The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

September 26, 2003 by Scott

by Scott C., WO'C's Children of the Night Correspondent 

     When best-selling author Ann Coulter arrived at Charles Coughlin College in Lynchville, Illinois, Ceci Lawrence was shocked."  She looked so different from her photos," the 22-year old co-ed marveled."  She had these long, bony fingers, and her skin was all stretched and thin like rice paper, and I remember thinking during her speech: she looks like a talking kite."  It was then that Ceci and several of her sorority sisters resolved to do something for their distinguished visitor.

"We decided to have a blood drive," Ceci said, "So that Ann could renew the unholy forces which animate her flesh by bathing in the blood of the innocent.  Let’s face it—she travels all the time and that’s got to play havoc with any sort of rigorous beauty regimen.  After all, the average human body only contains six quarts of blood, so you can imagine how many virgins it would take to fill up even one of those crappy little tubs at the Ramada Inn.  I mean, come on—she can’t just keep dropping by and draining Ben Shapiro for a pint—he’s starting to look bleached."

Finding a sufficient number of uncontaminated maidens, even on the campus of a conservative bible college, proved to be a chore.  "Yeah," observed Ceci.  "It was a lot of work, but it was worth it.  Ann is my role model."

Ceci explained that she began college as a Speech Communications major.  "I wanted to be on TV, so I was studying to be a spokesmodel.  My dad wanted me to be a lawyer, but that was like way too much work, thank you very much.  But then I saw Ann on Fox News, and realized that you could be a lawyer even if you didn’t practice law, or go to court, or know anything about the constitution.  And even better, people would like. . .pay you to go on TV and say bitchy stuff about people!  It’s like somebody saying, ‘Hey! Spreading rumors that all the smart girls are lesbians and then locking yourself in your dorm room and masturbating to Whittaker Chamber’s Witness is actually a job.  We’ll pay you for that!’  My god! Having Fox News in your life is like having a rich boyfriend who’s too Episcopalian to demand a handjob! Anywat. . . The very next day I switched my major, and next year after I graduate, I hope to follow in Ann’s footsteps and attend the Barbizon School of Law."

Asked if the arduous, daylong blood drive was worth it, Ceci was unequivocal.  "Absolutely!  For one thing, Ann and I have become very friendly as a result.  And for another, I’m pretty sure that if she’d gone one more day without blood she would have started killing my roommates."

And how does Ann Coulter herself feel about this outpouring of admiration and blood?  The blanched and hollow-eyed pundit flashed an enthusiastic thumbs-up as she lowered her emaciated carcass into a hip-bath brimming with virgin gore.  "Ahh," she said, splashing the ruddy, life-giving fluid over her bony chest, "This is the life.  Or the undeath, anyway."
Ann's Humble Beginnings
Born in the Hungary in 1560 as Elizabeth Bathory, the conservative sensation changed her name to Countess Marya Zaleska upon first coming to the United States in 1936.  She later opted for the more Anglo-sounding Ann Coulter because, in her words, "I wanted my very name to announce my patriotic devotion to America," and because, "The FBI was closing in."

Asked whether soaking in the blood of virgins might alienate the GOP’s fundamentalist Christian base, Coulter waved a bone-white hand and uttered a dismissive, "Pah!"

She added knowingly, "Look how enthusiastically the base has supported President Bush’s tax cuts for the wealthy.  To me, that’s a clear sign that the Heartland has given those of us in the upper echelons of society the go-ahead to live off the blood of our social inferiors.  The way I like to think of it is: red states are red corpuscle states, brimming with life and vitality.  While the blue states are blood cells depleted of oxygen, the same way the Democrat party is depleted of ideas and morality.  If American values and ideals are to survive, we must confront our political opponents, rip out their throats with our sharp incisors, and feed upon the warm blood flowing from their ruptured arteries."

As a tired Ceci poured the last bucketful of blood into her idol’s copper bath, she paused to reflect on the day’s labors.  "I’ve learned more from Ann in one day than I think I’ve learned from all my professors over the past four years.  I’ve learned that liberals are traitors who want to destroy the nuclear family.  I’ve learned that plasma is an excellent humectant.  And I’ve learned which girls are really virgins, and which are letting the snake into the garden, if you know what I mean, because if Ann bathes in the blood of an soiled woman, she starts to smoke and shriek like a banshee.  It’s kind of like when you drop a piece of magnesium in water.  Except for the shrieking."

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