July 12, 2004 by s.z.

Perfect Game Family Circus Today's Cartoon  (See it here): Billy is wearing a red baseball shirt (his number is 51), and a baseball hat; he is also holding a mitt and a baseball.  He's apparently going to play, or has just finished playing, baseball.  Keane is good at making these things clear. Daddy, who looks hungover, is wearing a blue shirt and blue socks; he's sitting on an aqua-colored hassock.  Daddy regards his eldest son with a look of mild suffering. Billy says, "Randy Johnson pitched a perfect game at 40, so I have 33 years to go." Analysis and Prediction: This is another blatantly political cartoon.   Daddy represents Democratic "blue" America.  The red-clad Billy represents a member of the Bush clan -- one who will be our 51st President in 2038.  (In order for our 51st President to take office in 33 years, no President can serve more than one term until then -- so Keane is saying the George Bush will lose in November.) But who is this member of the Bush dynasty who has 33 years to perfect his game?  The Bush twins don't seem too interested in politics, but who knows what might happen in a few decades.  Maybe by 2038 there will be Presidential job sharing, and Jenna and Barbara will take turns at the desk in the oval office -- while also keeping up their hectic partying schedule. But since the future Bush President is represented by the male Billy, it's more like that President #52 will be Jeb's son, George Prescott Bush, who is already being promoted as Bush: The Next Generation.  But he will probably have been President long before 2038 -- I see him taking office circa 2025, when he's a youthfulish 49.  So, I'm guessing that President 51 will be Neil Bush -- in 33 years, he will have had plenty of time to finish finding willing women waiting outside his hotel room, and to instead find Jesus, and carry on the family legacy.  All that Chinese money won't hurt his camapaign either.  You can see why Daddy looks pained, though. Okay, I'm tired -- you tell me what it means. 8:59:19 AM

Carnival of the Wingnuts, Part II  6.  Matt James "is the editor of Useless Knowledge Magazine."  Here he is with a piece he submitted to Mens News Daily, which is just as valuable as his own mag, and which pays its contributers equally well.  I read an article about how the British rejected a ban on spanking kids. They decided to allow moderate spanking of kids instead. I guess the rest of Europe has a ban on all forms of physical punishment, such as spanking. When I was a kid, I got spanked. I was raised on a farm and my father used a rubber hose from a milking machine to spank us kids. Let me tell you folks, it was like a whip and it stung. I think that was what made me tough. You learn to take a little physical pain. You also learn discipline. That is the point of spanking.  So, the point of spanking is to make kids tough, through inuring them to physical pain, and to teach them discipline, by showing them that they'll get hit when you are mad at them.  Got it. I remember my grandma spanking me once and she did it with so little force, that I laughed. It didn't hurt, so I just laughed. You have to make it hurt a little or else it does no good. This is why I am not sure these so called "moderate spankings" are any good. Liberals don't understand this. Of course liberals don't understand contact sports like football either. I am engaged and about to get married. I hope to have kids someday and so I am starting to think about these sorts of things. I know I won't use a rubber hose to spank my kids like my father did, but I will find something. Kids have got to learn discipline and a little toughness. I can only hope and pray that Matt's fiancee reads his column and rethinks her plan to marry this guy -- or at least gets her tubes tied before the wedding.  Matt should not be a parent. I think liberal parents should be spanked. They are making the world a wimpier place and the kids are running around wild without discipline. Matt, unless you're a big wimp, you will follow through on your words and spank some liberal parents.  If you're arrested for assault and sent to jail for a couple of years, it will teach you discipline and toughness -- and it will keep you from breeding for a while.  So, it's a win-win solution. 7.  David E. introduces us to Jerry Brooks, "a former congressional candidate in Oregon's 3rd Congressional District. He's now active with the Washington State Young Republicans."  Here's a bit from his most recent column: Rep. Johnson’s “concern” over this year’s election stems from sour grapes left over from the 2000 election in Florida which many Democrats, especially black Democrats, are still bemoaning. You know, if you bemoan your leftover sour grapes vigorously enough, you get champagne. And here's an excerpt from a piece Jerry wrote last month: Disgust is one of the many descriptive adjectives I felt when I read the psychotic, venomous diatribe calling Ronald Reagan the greatest liar of the 20th century, which was written by a guy named Mike. [...] For any supposed civilized human being to spew the kind of noxious rhetoric towards any deceased president regardless of political party is macabre, sinister and porcine. You do have to admit that Jerry has a way with descriptive adjectives! 8.  David also points us to this piece by Judson Cox, our favorite Young Conservative: I had an idea: we would buy advertisement, showing the 9-11 footage as we explained the issue.  The 9-11 Families for A Secure America helped Sen. Shubert buy $25,000 worth of advertisement to get their message to North Carolinians.  The ads show the planes hitting the Towers, as Peter Gadiel explains why his organization is endorsing Sen. Shubert.  Shock waves rippled across the country!  The Associated Press ran a story on the ads in hundreds of newspapers, Hannity and Colmes did a segment on them on Fox News and Rush Limbaugh mentioned them.  The liberals where aghast!  NC papers called us liars!  Easley, terrified at the aspect of having his corrupt policies revealed, sent out his representatives to claim that the problem had been fixed, and how dare we capitalize on this tragedy!   We didn’t capitalize on a tragedy, we got the issue covered in the only way we could.  9-11 belongs to us all – it was a horrendous attack that affected the entire nation.  The liberals want 9-11 forgotten.  How dare we point out the policies and the politicians that made us vulnerable!  We dared; we won one against the liberal media and the Democrats and, God willing, we will kick the bums out of office. Just because Judson and Sen. Fern Shubert (who is running for governor) used footage of the planes hitting the Towers as part of a partisan political ad, it doesn't mean that they are capitalizing on the tragedy; no, they're just exploiting it.  And anyway, it belongs to them as much as to the New Yorkers who lost family members in the attack, so nyah, nyah!  And in the end, Judson and his cohorts dared and won one against the liberal media and the Democrats, and God willing, they will kick the bums out of office -- evebn though I'm pretty sure George Bush is running as a Republican, and the media is not an elected position. 9.  Reader Alex points us to this item at Pharyngula; it discusses a recent column by Cheri Yecke, "former commissioner of education for Minnesota" and apparently a noted local crackpot. Cheri Yecke has another editorial in today's Pioneer Press. It's an incredible piece of work. It seems the obesity epidemic in America is all the fault of liberals. How? Because the crime epidemic, caused by those damn liberals setting all the psychopaths free, means the children can't play in the playgrounds that the damn liberals keep demanding we spend more money on, and we don't need playgrounds anyway, because when Cheri was a little girl, she could play kick-the-can in the street. And she liked it.  Ms. Yecke sounds like a wingnut the St. Paul area can be pround of -- she's every bit the match of a nationally-known pundit like Amber Pawlik or Judson Cox.  But she's still no Justin Darr. Anway, that's CotW for this week.  Feel free to submit any of your favorite wingnuts for consideration for next week's showcase.   7:47:56 AM

Carnival of the Wingnuts: Part 1 Searching the globe to bring you the cream (as it were) of the nut crop. 1.  First, here's the Renew America team of husband-and-wife realtors, Peter and Helen Evans,informing us that the real beneficiary of gay marriage is "big government," which apparently wants all women to be single mothers on welfare, and all gays to be married.  And then we will all become slaves of Landru -- until Captain Kirk reveals that Landru is a just a computer, and causes it to self-destruct. Whether through laziness or ambition or a simple recognition of obvious short-term incentives, a growing number of women have chosen to "marry the government" and accept the tantalizing offer of housing, training, child-support, health care, food stamps and day-care. Given the option of the sometimes unreliable support of a merely human, perhaps absent husband, this may seem a reasonable choice. If we allow marriage to become just another contract between consenting adults, subject to government regulation, we will have lost of the last, non-governmental, independent unit of society. By our default, the only social unity remaining will obviously be big government. The winner in this scuffle will be the Leviathan-in-waiting. Then we will begin in earnest the fatal slide into socialist slavery. Wow, they do make marrying the government sound tantalizing!  If only I weren't too lazy to have three or four kids in exchange for that Section 8 housing and those sweet, sweet foodstamps, I would have invited the Evanses to be my bridesmaids.   However, I wonder why nobody has used it as one of their gay marriage "slippery slope" arguments: "If it becomes legal for a man to marry another man, then what's to stop a man from marrying the Federal government?  Or what about the marriage of a man, the Federal government, the state government, and the French government?  You could even see a man marrying a puppy, his mother, the Department of Agriculture, and Halliburton.  The depravity will have no checks whatsoever!  And then we'll all end up as socialist slaves and/or concubines." 2.  Now, here's Vincent Fiore.  Vincent really resents Kerry/Edwards' hair, looks, and favorable media attention. Indeed, that will go miles upon miles on the campaign trail, as the Kerry/Edwards ticket will impress upon lonely and bored women, single or otherwise, that not since the baby boomer ticket of Clinton/Gore in 1992 have the potential occupants of the White House looked so good. And as is the case in an open society, I'm sure a few men will feel all goosey about John Edwards as well. After all, Democrats have always been proud to boast that they are the preeminent "party of inclusiveness." So, while Kerry and Edwards may be rich, good-looking, and powerful, the only people who will vote for them are lonely, bored women and gay men.  Therefore, Vincent doesn't have to feel threatened by them anymore.   3.  Justin Darr  "is a freelance writer from the Philadelphia area where he lives with his wife, Erin, twin children Brandon and Brittany, three mice, two cats, and a spoiled dog named Xena. .. Justin is an expert in political philosophy, western world history, and the development of American society. "  In this column, Justin rails on Kerry for objecting to the Bush campaign's anti-Kerry ad featuring the Nazi images -- because after all, Bush was just using part of an ad made by a Kerry supporter.  Or if not a Kerry supporter, at least somebody who didn't like Bush President Bush's tactic of using the Left's goofiness against itself should be used far beyond the Presidential race.  Would it not be justice to go to the next PETA rally and hand out anti-partial birth abortion comic books to their children in the same way they handed out anti-meat comics to kids going to the movies?  This time, however, instead of showing the kids drawings of their mothers holding bloody knives over puppies, "Leftist Mom" would be holding an ice pick, a pair of forceps, and a vacuum cleaner.  We could even, just for fun, toss in a little ditty saying "Mom won't let you eat meat because meat makes you strong … And if you are big and strong, how would mom hold you down to suck the brains out of your head?  Better be a good boy, or your mom might decide that you violate her civil rights and have you killed!"  Yeah, that would be so cool!  And if some PETA members throw fake blood on people wearing fur coats, then we should kill their kids and throw the blood on the activists' pro-animal rights T-shirts!  And since the left is all in this together, we don't even need to make sure the kids we kill are the children of PETA members -- any kids from San Francisco will work.  And then we pay back Whoopi Goldberg for making those rude plays on President Bush's name -- we call John Edwards' five-year-old daughter "an ugly skank bitch."  That will teach Whoopi a thing or two!  [UPDATE: Justin is also the hottest new conservative writer on the web.  We are very sorry we forgot to mention this before -- we attribute it to having read so many wingnuts today that they all started to blur together.  Thanks to Seb of Sadly, No! for reminding us of Justin's status, and of the fact that he discovered Justin first.] 4.  No Carnival of the Wingnuts would be complete without Sadly, No!'s sweetheart, Amber Pawlik.  Remember how Emily the Intern deemed Dodgeball a conservative movie because its plot stipulated that only one team could win the big dodgeball contest?  Well, here's Amber to tell us that Anchorman is a stinkin' liberal movie.  She'll explain how she knows this.  Patriotic Americans should boycott the movie Anchorman. Marketed as nothing but a run-of-the-mill comedy, the movie ends with a snide Bush-bashing comment. The snide comment comes at the end when the dumb stooge of the movie, played by Steven Carell, is said to have become an advisor to the Bush administration. And because the closing credits of American Graffiti inform us that Ron Howard's character became an insurance agent in Modesto, then this proves that it's a conservative movie.  Well, it's a conservative movie if you like Ron Howard and insurance agents, and a liberal movie if you hate Modesto.   It seems Democrats have found a sly way around campaign finance reform: using Hollywood. With the success of Fahrenheit 9/11, filmmakers are growing bolder in making controversial and political comments in their films. Yes, in the three weeks or so since Farenheit 9/11 was released to popular and critical acclaim, Hollywood went out and made Anchorman as another vehicle for political commentary. While Michael Moore marketed his movie accurately and all people who went to see it knew what to expect, Anchorman is not marketed as anything but a regular movie. Unassuming Americans will shell out $9 a piece for a film that tramples on their values. We should send a clear message to the entertainment industry: mixing dirty politics with regular entertainment will make you lose profits. I really feel for those unassuming Americans, so modest and retiring that they don't dare to read film reviews.  I would join Amber's boycott, except that I never pay $9 for movie tickets, since I always attend bargain matinees. 5.  And here's a snippet of Kerry Marsala's latest column; I've provided it so that you can translate it into English, if you're so inclined. Let's face it in America still today- tea and cookies, along with nurturing and caring for our own families, still beats a sour staunch fisted, self-seeking portrayal of womanhood for most voters.  I think that Kerry means that America likes its women submissive, its cookies served with tea, and its Hillary Clintons not at all, but I can't be sure. End of Part one ... the most shocking wingnuts still to come! 6:12:01 AM