September 30, 2005 by s.z.

Judy Goes Free After Scooter Assures Her That Judge Roberts Promised That Scooter Will Never See the Inside of Jail Cell -- And So She Agrees to Testify, Since Martyrdom Was Making Her Hands Chappy Well, that's what I got from this story:  N.Y. Times Reporter Released From Jail.  Oh, and I think somebody might have bought a mob hit on Novak, and that Karl Rove sold out DeLay in order to save his own skin.  7:18:23 AM

'Ann Coulter Breaks Her Silence' While I was under the impression that Ann hadn't kept her trap shut for more than five minutes since she learned that there was money to made in being a right-wing harpy, NewsMax, which sells Ann's books at discount prices, says different.  Here's are some highlights from the piece which broke the news about Ann breaking wind her silence: Ann Coulter Breaks Her Silence In what she described as her "first interview" for the paperback edition of her blockbuster bestseller, "How to Talk to a Liberal (If You Must)," conservative icon and author Ann Coulter says she is breaking a long silence to take on the liberal establishment, which is trying to fool people once again in the wake of Katrina and other controversies. She explained that because "liberals are still speaking out on public issues" and spreading falsehoods, she had no alternative but to fire back. Translation: "Because I need to sell this new edition of my book, and since I have a shtick which appeals to people with psycho-sexual disorders but no other marketable job skills, I have no alternative but to be more of a media whore than I usually am." With liberals alive and dangerous in America, Ann Coulter, like the action doll that was made in her image a few years ago, is fighting back. Really?  Well, let's review just what that "action doll" can do: "The Ann Coulter figure is dressed in a single piece black dress, black high heels and gold earrings" She "says 14 different phrases when you press her button." The doll can spout recorded phrases, and is dressed like a slut -- so, it's just like the real Ann!  However, it doesn't "fight back," even when it has a book to push.  (It is, however, "articulated," which. while not the same thing as being"articulate," still makes it a more qualified guest for "Hannity and Whosit" than the real Ann.) Ann, in her vintage and humorous style, says her new edition contains "tons of new recipes" and "doctored photos from my private collection." I guess NewsMax is using the eBay definition of "vintage": old, worn out, and basically trash.  I do, however, believe that she's telling the truth about the book containing doctored photos.  And while we're on that topic, take a look at the headshot that Ann uses at AnnCoulter.com: Now, compare it with a photo of Ann taken last year while she was giving a speech: Are they even of the same person???   Yeah, the first photo stops at the neck, so we can't compare Adam's apples, but I think these pictures lends credence to my theory that the real Ann Coulter -- the one that went to law school and who used to be a little girl --  was replaced by one of those reptilian "V" aliens about 15 years ago. But back to NewsMax: As for her next major book due out next year, we asked Coulter to let us in on the secret and tell us what it's all about. "Entre nous, what's the new book about? When will it be finished and available?" we asked innocently. Her answer: "I was going to tell you, but then you started with that entre nous business. You know how I hate anything French." Ha ha.  That Ann is a regular Henny Youngman!  (Except that, despite being dead for several years, he's still funnier) But the big news is that Ann has a new book coming out -- I guess Crown Forum has adopted the motto, "No publishing house ever went broke underestimating the taste of American conservatives."  Per Amazon, "Untiitled #2 by Ann Coulter," will be released on June 6th.  While no cover photo is available, Amazon does invite everyone to "share your own customer image" of this book -- which sounds like an invitation for those wacky Farksters to get to work, doesn't it? And while we would never suggest making cruel photoshopped images of Ann and posting them online, we do want offer Ann some possible titles for her new tome.  My suggestion isNecrophilia: Or, Help! Mom! Joe McCarthy is Under My Bed and He's as Horny as Hell!  If she doesn't like that one, there's also Suckitude: The Complete Idiot's Guide to Blaming the Clenis for Everything.  However, you probably have some better titles  I inviteyou to submit your contributions for our reading amusement (as do Ann and her publisher, I would imagine). But while Ann refused to tell NewsMax anything about her new book (which is still being written by a kidnapped 6th grader as we speak, so it's not like really could share any details with them), they do have some teasers about their "special" Ann Coulter issue of NewsMax Mag.  But since we don't want you to have to use your hard-earned money to buy this publication (if you do, you'll get NewsMax spam for the rest of your life), we'll give you our informed guesses about what it says. NewsMax Magazine’s special Ann Coulter issue is not for the faint of heart. Or for pregnant women, people with back problems, or the literate. In "Coulter's Fight" you'll find out: [...] That Hillary Clinton is no socialist – but has evolved beyond Marxism. Hillary has evolved beyond all political theories, and is now a being of pure energy.  Either than, or she's one of those brains in a jar, as seen in that episode of Star Trek.  (You know, the one where the brains would bet several quatlos on Captain Kirk while he wore the skimpy outfit and fought in the arena --it was also the one where he had to teach an alien babe about that thing called kissing). The inside story on why she defends anti-communist Sen. Joe McCarthy, long reviled by the establishment media and academia – and by many conservatives. She does it because Michelle Malkin already had dibs on defending internment camps, and it was the next most wingnutty thing she could think of. Why she is pro-life and a Christian. Because she thinks that it sells in the sticks.  Well, that's why she pretends to be both, but there is no evidence whatsoever that she's actually a practising Christian -- and since she once said "My only regret with Timothy McVeigh is that he did not go to the New York Times building," you can hardly call her pro-life either. How she’d deal with the anti-American U.S. media. See above. Her devastating response to Hollywood’s claims that it is not biased. "Is too! Is too!  Is too -- to infinity!" Her surprising picks for favorite and least favorite cities in America. Least favorite:  New York City, because it's full of liberals.  Of course, Ann resides there several months of the year, but that's only because she forced to, because it has the best booze. Favorite: Aspen, Colorado, because it exemplifies real America.  It's the smack dab in the heartland, and is populated by the kind of Bush-loving, moral-living, simple folks with whom Ann feels most comfortable. An inside look at her personal life.    She mates and then she kills. Anyway, it sounds like a great Ann feature (Ann's mom says that it's "the best article ever written about her daughter!"), so check it out, if you happen to see a copy at the recycling center. But NewsMax isn't done with Ann, giving us another piece about Ann breaking her silence the very next day.  So, here are a few nuggets from "Ann Coulter: Never Compliment a Democrat": Best-selling author and conservative pundit Ann Coulter told Alan Colmes on the "Hannity and Colmes" show on Fox News last night that she meant it when she wrote in her book"How to Talk to a Liberal - If You Must," now out in paperback, that the rules for talking to a liberal forbid complimenting, showing graciousness to, or flattering a Democrat. Well, to be fair, Ann's rules forbid showing graciousness to anyone. Colmes then told Coulter that Pat Tillman, the former pro football player turned Army Ranger who was killed in Afghanistan, was pro-John Kerry and against the war in Iraq. "You were quoted in the San Fransisco Chronicle yesterday" Colmes continued, "saying that Tillman 'was virtuous and pure, as only an American male can be.' I wonder if you still would say those things," knowing he was a Democrat? "No, but I don't believe it," she said. "I think you got that from one of those documents that Mary Mapes (the producer of the bogus CBS News story on George W. Bush's Guard service) handed in to Dan Rather." As we've seen countless times before, when Ann is confronted with something that she either doesn't know or doesn't want to admit, she simply says that she doesn't believe it.  I imagine a scene from Ann's grade school days going a little something like this: Teacher: Ann, who killed Abraham Lincoln? Ann: Um, President Rosevelt?  He was a Democrat, so it's just the kind of thing he would do. Teacher: No, it was John Wilkes Booth.  You didn't do your reading last night, did you? Ann:  Did so!  I just don't believe that Booth killed Lincoln! Teacher: Well, he did -- as you would know, if you had been prepared. Ann:  I still don't think he did it.  I bet you just read that in a commie history books that was written by Karl Marx or something. You didn't see Booth do it, and you're just saying that he was the killer because you're a fellow traveler, and because you are a traitor!  And anyway, if Booth did kill Lincoln, he probably had a good reason, like that Lincoln was going to raise taxes or legalize abortion or something.  But I still don't accept that he did it.  So, there! Teacher:  Ann, what a silly, childish response!  We don't act that way now that we're in the fifth grade.  So, grow up, or you're never going to get anywhere in life. Media Matters has the full exchange between Ann and Colmes, if you want to read Ann in all of her ineptitude. But back to NewsMax: Today on Fox News' "Dayside" program, Coulter commented on Tom Delay's indictment by a Texas grand jury, saying it is pure politics by prosecutor Ronnie Earle and is a perfect example of the need for her book: liberals want Republicans outlawed, and they "would like to put us all in Guantanamo." Well, I know I would like to put Ann in Guantanamo, if only because she sounded so envious of the detainees (she claimed they had it better than passengers on commercial airlines, and noted that the prisoners were fed "orange-glazed chicken, fresh fruit crepe, steamed peas and mushrooms, and rice pilaf," while all that America West passengers got was a bag of peanuts.  So, put her in Gitmo -- it might teach her a thing or two, and heaven knows, she could use a good meal. Bonus:  here's a summary of Ann's column for this week: "Karl Rove is a stupid jerk who does everything wrong -- why won't he call me?  Katherine Harris is 'magificent'  -- she's just as shrill and creepy as me.  Ronald Reagan was the greatest President ever -- he used to talk to GE employees.  I'm pretty sure that he is my real father.  Oh, and Al Gore is wuss, George H.W. Bush is a wimp, and everybody hates gay marriage.  The Clenis!" And speaking of Ronald Reagan's vestal virgins, here's a quote from this week's column by Peggy Noonan: Now and then anchors remind you that you've swum with smarter porpoises. I know Peggy is a loon, but it's not very nice of the the news anchors to keep reminding Peggy of that she used to swim with smarter sea mammals -- after all, it's been over five years since she cavorted with the dolphins who saved Elian. BTW, Peggy has a new book coming out too.  It's called John Paul the Great: Remembering a Spiritual Father, and it will be released in November.  I think it's about how the Pope was Peggy's real dad. 4:01:41 AM