WO'C Archive

Come On, You Guys Haven’t Given This War A Chance!

2011-11-20T20:34:00.000-08:00

Hugh “Ol’ Gunny” Hewitt standing watch at Firebase Borders, where the lead is hot, but the frappes are cold.
When General Petraeus Reports (Johnny Won’t Be Marching Home Again)

President Bush made an excellent speech this week

And my grandfather, according to his nurse, made an excellent doodie. I suspect these two events will wind up having an equal effect on the war in Iraq.

…laying out the case that al Qaeda in Iraq is a subsidiary of al Qaeda in Waziristan…

Although for tax purposes they’re incorporated in the Cayman Islands.

His central premise –a retreat in Iraq means a huge win for al Qaeda everywhere it organizes– was carefully constructed and reasoned and simply cannot be argued by the war’s critics, only ignored.

Well, our withdrawl wouldn’t exactly provide a big bump in business for al Qaeda in Iraq, now would it? And if some of those troops were diverted to Afghanistan, I don’t imagine that would really boost morale at the home office. Oops, sorry — I forgot that the president simply cannot be argued with, only ignored. The problem is, he will not be ignored! So either I engage his argument and he fakes a suicide attempt, or I ignore his speech, and get boiled lagomorph for dinner.

There is a certain panic in the anti-war leadership as they see the same data that pro-surge commentators do, and understand that the unmistakable momentum on the side of the coalition threatens to bolster support for victory in Iraq. Victory in Iraq –the creation of a stable, functioning representative government protected by a strong Iraqi military capable of and committed to the suppression of terrorism and sectarian violence– would be a vindication of the Bush Doctrine

Whereas the situation we have currently achieved in Iraq is a vindication of Let That Be Your Last Battlefield, that crappy Star Trek episode with Frank Gorshin as an alien with the complexion of a spectator pump who spends 50,000 years chasing another harlequin-faced dude around the galaxy because he stole Frank’s idea for the mock turtleneck. So Frank hijacks the Enterprise, but when he and the other Othello game piece get back home they find that all the Star Belly Sneetches and all the Plain Belly Sneetches have exterminated each other, leaving the two color-coordinated antagonists to chase each other through a lifeless, smoldering, irradiated landscape for all eternity. However, if George W. Bush was the captain, I have a feeling Hugh would find a way to spin this as a victory for Federation diplomacy.

…and although it would also be in the very best interests of the country as a whole, the left sees a political disaster in such an outcome, and has hence redoubled its efforts to tarnish not just the president who ordered the war, but also the generals who lead it, and the soldiers who fight it. In the service of this last objective, The New Republic was pleased to bring its readers the now infamous “Baghdad Diarist,” but that is just one of the more visible libels on the troops dressed up as “reporting” intended to be understood as a generally applicable view of the conduct of America’s military.

Don’t you hate these guys who think, just because they’re “on the ground” and “writing” about things they’ve “witnessed,” that they’re “reporting?” That’s not reporting, that’s libelling. Reporting doesn’t consist of some jerk wandering around a war-torn country, interviewing people, taking photos, and describing events. The real reporting takes place back in the states, when bloggers prove the reporter in Iraq doesn’t exist.

Of course the victory hasn’t been won, and of course the argument about the war isn’t going to vanish even if General Petraeus gives an optimistic report in mid-September. But that report will matter a great deal, and I hope the Administration takes steps to assure that the American people get to hear it without the filter of the MSM or a Democratically-controlled Senate or House panel doing its best to muffle the good news and amplify the bad news.

I hope that General Petraeus appears before a respectful audience interested in his report and gives his remarks prefaced by an appeal to the MSM to at least play, uninterrupted, the first five minutes of his talk.

Or better yet, just let him deliver it from the balcony of the Palazzo Venezia. That usually fires up the proles.

If he then provided an executive summary of what he thinks is the situation in Iraq, there is an excellent chance that the American people will be allowed to hear the key facts from the key military leader.

I hear Pinochet’s available.

I hope after that summary he proceeds to deliver a detailed speech which the responsible networks will carry live (and radio hosts will replay) and that he then takes an hour of questions, before appearing before any Senate or House panel (which he will of course make himself available for.) Even though the day is long, I hope he ends it with Brit Hume…

That seems a bit harsh. Couldn’t they just waterboard him instead?

…followed by Charlie Rose, and then appears on Meet The Press and Wolf Blitzer’s program the following Sunday, thus making himself available to the four best television interviewers working today. On the Monday following the Sunday shows, I hope he appears on the programs of Bill Bennett, Laura Ingraham, Rush Limbaugh, Dennis Prager, Sean Hannity, Michael Medved…

Here’s a tip: With that many clowns, you’re going to want to Armor-All the vinyl seats first, that way they can all pour out of the tiny car much more smoothly.

In the course of these talks, speeches, hearings and interviews, I hope General Petraeus does two key things.

That’s Gaius Julius Petraeus to you, pal.

First, I hope he communicates a realistic timetable for success in Iraq.

Using the Gregorian Calendar is just depressing people. He needs to start framing the debate in geologic time.

While he may commit to making quarterly reports, support for the war has to be informed by realism as to how long it will take to bring about victory.

Until an asteroid hits Iraq and causes terrorists to undergo a global extinction event?

Bluntly giving his best assessment of a timetable to victory will serve notice on the enemy that the military is prepared to go the distance

Even if the weak-kneed civilian leadership gives up on the war, the military will not be moved. Any future Democratic Administration would have to scurry around Iraq, popping each individual soldier out of his foxhole with a prybar.

…and it will also give the public a measuring stick not just for our effort their but for Congressional support for it as well. General Petraeus has been attacked by the anti-war fringe

If your fringed shawl is 30% shawl and 70% fringe, chances are it’s not really a fringed shawl, but a regular shawl that’s just really badly unraveling.

I also hope General Petraeus tells us how many foreign jihadists have been killed in Iraq in the months since the surge began.

Because as Hugh and the other hawks never tire of pointing out, there is no similarity between Iraq and Vietnam. And what better way to demonstrate that than by measuring the progress of the war with body counts?

I know the policy against giving body counts, and debated it on air with Tony Snow recently, but I hope the Pentagon will see that there is a huge difference between tallies of Viet Cong and North Vietnamese killed in the ’60s and the ’70s, and the number of international terrorists dispatched in Iraq in 2007.

In one case, the corpses were sort of yellowish, and in the other, they’re kind of brown.

The president made an excellent case in Charleston that we cannot allow al Qaeda to establish a base of operations in Iraq…

Um, Hugh? I hate to be the one to tell you this, but uh…

But that threat is still not real to many Americans. Why they refuse to believe the obvious is a problem

Hugh’s job used to be easy, but all these educated immigrants from India and Asia pouring into the U.S. have increased the average IQ, and decreased the National Gullibility Index. Damn you ICE!

…but the one measurement they may understand are the numbers of foreigners who travel to Iraq to make jihad against us. We can’t know that exact number, but we can establish a minimum of the number of them killed by our military before they ever had the chance to take jihad anywhere else.

Maybe, finally, the American people will wake up when they see the large numbers of dead jihadist toddlers, militant teddy bears, and terrorist binkies caught by our new body count system.

Every dead terrorist in Iraq represents a significant victory for American security (and every foreign jihadist there is there against the wishes of the lawful government of Iraq and must be considered a terrorist.)

Except the Shiite ones. And to be fair, the Sunni foreign jihadists are there with the express good wishes of the lawful government of Saudi Arabia. But I’m sure there’s some radical Baha’i terrorists we can all hate on together.

The numbers of these terrorists in the country and the number of them killed matter a great deal, as they communicate to the American public a sense of the scale of the threat we face in Iraq. Had we left when the Democrats wanted us to leave last year or early this year, those terrorists killed since the surge began would not only be alive…

But so would several hundred American soldiers. And several thousand Iraqi civilians. And where would we put them all? We’d have to send the kids down to the Piggly Wiggly for more ice, and Bob would have to put a leaf in the table.

…they would have greater training, greater ambitions, greater momentum, and a sense of mission that could carry many of them to the West. If the United States doesn’t fight them in Iraq, we will indeed be fighting them in the county or in the countries of our allies.

Well, we shouldn’t have offered to host Mesopotamian Civil War XII: Caliphate Smackdown! Yeah, it brings in the tourist dollar, but it’s going to screw up traffic in the downtown area for weeks.

General Petraeus and the officers and troops he commands have been winning huge victories for the American people as well as for Iraqis since January

Even though we’re told that the surge only started two weeks ago. Well, I’m sure the General has won many famous moral victories. And probably several huge pyrrhic ones too.

and the significance of those victories deserves to be spelled out for the public and broadcast by the MSM. If General Petraeus asks for five minutes and doesn’t get it from the networks, the outrage will be real and sustained.

Well. It’ll be sustained anyway.

If he does get those five minutes I hope he assembles the facts that Americans need to hear and which will confirm for them not just the excellence of their military and the skill and courage with which they fight, but also the significance of their mission and the necessity of the awful sacrifices made by so many men and women.

I recommend he open with a joke.

Posted by scott on Monday, July 30th, 2007 at 2:20 pm.

22 Responses to “Come On, You Guys Haven’t Given This War A Chance!”

If your fringed shawl is 30% shawl and 70% fringe, chances are it’s not really a fringed shawl, but a regular shawl that’s just really badly unraveling.
That about covers it, yep.
Some of these guys, you know they cannot possibly believe that staying in Iraq, or invading Iraq in the first place, makes us safer. Hugh? I’m pretty sure he believes everything he’s saying.

Left by D. Sidhe on July 30th, 2007

No, I see Cheney as more of an action flick, with Dick a la Steven Segal, and not just because they both share the same range of emoting and facial expression.
You know, “They laughed when Gerald Ford called appointing him ‘the worst mistake’ of his presidency. He’s been saddled by CIA stooges who needed constant hand-holding and threats, and he’s been flustered by his W. puppet whose strings just keep getting all tangled up. But worst of all, his insightful policies have been maliciously screwed up by incompetents every step of the way. Enough is enough.
“Now, after finishing sharpening his turkey carving knife he’s back and ready for revenge, in Cheney: Hard to Die.”
I for one can’t wait for the scene where Cheney snaps Mitt Romney’s elbows.

Left by arghous on July 30th, 2007

Oops. Sorry about that — had too many windows up. That was meant for the K-Lo thread.

Left by arghous on July 30th, 2007

Hey Hugh, SHOW US YOUR TITS!

Left by Goseph Gerbils on July 30th, 2007

Are you trying to give everyone nightmares, Goseph? Or just turn us all into bulimics for life?
[Now that I think about it, "Bulimics For Life" sounds like an anti-abortion group.]

Left by Bill S on July 30th, 2007

First, I hope he communicates a realistic timetable for success in Iraq.
[...] Bluntly giving his best assessment of a timetable to victory will serve notice on the enemy that the military is prepared to go the distance
B-b-but but giving any kind of timetable at all will embolden the enemy and tell them they just need to wait us out…right? Our Leader tells us that, over and over and over again.
Surely Hugh isn’t contradicting Our Leader? Say it isn’t so!

Left by Dorothy on July 30th, 2007

I am trying SO HARD to work how “General Petraeus” sounds like a character in one of the latter-day George Lucas screw-ups, AND sounds like “General Betray-us,” into a single joke.

Left by Happenstance on July 30th, 2007

The numbers of these terrorists in the country and the number of them killed matter a great deal
Does the emphasis on killing people bother anyone but me? I know that they’re not caucasians, but still, isn’t not killing people generally a goal of a civilized society? Settling differences with diplomacy, instead of invading hapless countries? Or did I just smoke too much grass in the 70s? (I suppose these questions aren’t necessarily related.)

Left by Rugosa on July 30th, 2007

Not just crappy propaganda, but really boring CP. ZZZZzzz… I doubt even his loyal audience got past the third paragraph. Ick.

Left by Kathy on July 30th, 2007

Does anyone with a functioning brain really believe anything this twit says? If this bit is an example of Hugh Spewit’s grip on logic, one wonders how he made it through law school – but it’s even harder to believe this guy is a high-dollar lawyer.

Left by kwark on July 30th, 2007

“While he may commit to making quarterly reports, support for the war has to be informed by realism as to how long it will take to bring about victory.”
Oh, why start now?
“General Petraeus and the officers and troops he commands have been winning huge victories for the American people as well as for Iraqis since January”
Hugh? We’ve been winning huge victories for the American people as well as the Iraqis for FOUR FUCKING YEARS!
This whole “the democrats aren’t letting the REAL information on Iraq come out!” schtick is pissing me off to no end.
The Republicans need to listen to Jesus for once and attend to the huge fucking supporting beam that’s sticking out of their eyeballs.
Every fucking day of this war the Bush administration has been assuring us that we’re no more then 8 months to a year away from victory.
Suppose I listen ONLY to the official white house line on the war, and ignore every other piece of reporting on the planet.
Here’s what I know:
They said there were weapons of mass destruction.
There weren’t.
They said it was mission accomplished.
It wasn’t.
They’ve made dozens of predictions about how close we are to wrapping things up, all of which have turned out to be wrong.
Why in the hell would we trust White House prediction about this war when they’ve been wrong EVERY DAMN TIME, and THEY ADMIT OUTRIGHT that they’ve been wrong.
This war is a huge failure when judged SOLELY on the standards that the White House has set.
They don’t need the help of the Democrats to look like incompetent fuckups.

Left by Christopher on July 30th, 2007

Does the emphasis on killing people bother anyone but me? I know that they’re not caucasians, but still, isn’t not killing people generally a goal of a civilized society?
Oh, yeah, it creeps me out how much these people seem to really, really enjoy watching/reading about/thinking about other people dying. After six years, though, it just no longer surprises me.

Left by Dorothy on July 30th, 2007

“On the Monday following the Sunday shows, I hope he appears on the programs of Bill Bennett, Laura Ingraham, Rush Limbaugh, Dennis Prager, Sean Hannity, Michael Medved…”
Yeah, no one would accuse him of being a partisan hack with a political agenda anymore after that…
“there is a huge difference between tallies of Viet Cong and North Vietnamese killed in the ’60s and the ’70s, and the number of international terrorists dispatched in Iraq in 2007″
Uhh…How? Sorry Hugh, I’m not calling you a liar necessarily. But if you’re going to make a claim like that you’re going to have to back it up with some hard facts if you want people to believe it.

Left by Gundamhead on July 30th, 2007

One of the Institutes, or sThink Tanks, has a group of “C” High School students ghostwriting up this pigslop. Then they send it out to their various pundits.

Left by Kathy on July 30th, 2007

“I hope, I hope, I hope…”
Crise, reading that I feel like I’m peering into the bedroom of a 14 year old whacking with a fury on the strength of his hopes.
Then the Rush-Co orgy and finally the climax and the after math where he assures himself that the General loves him/this war like no other before him, it is different, he swears.
And now that they will go and declare their love in the streets, woe be to those who dare to cross them and deny their love!
He should be writing pulp romance.

Left by kate on July 30th, 2007

There is a certain panic in the anti-war leadership as they see the same data that pro-surge commentators do, and understand that the unmistakable momentum on the side of the coalition threatens to bolster support for victory in Iraq.
What assholes like Hewitt fail to understand is that this is not a GAME to us. I would fucking well LOVE to believe that, against all common sense, the war is going to be won and peace and democracy will flower in Iraq. I’m not playing to WIN–something a loathsome apparatchik like Hewitt is incapable of understanding, because all he fucking cares about is his side being “right.” And you know, maugre the fact that it would make him even MORE insufferable, I wish like hell he were. Unfortunately, whenever I try to emulate his deranged, sunny optimism, my brain kicks in and I realize how fucked we are. I have to tell you, being reality-based is a great burden.

Left by GeoX on July 31st, 2007

Is that Stephen King’s evil twin?

Left by Edgar Allan Li Po on July 31st, 2007

…laying out the case that al Qaeda in Iraq is a subsidiary of al Qaeda in Waziristan…

…and don’t miss the grand opening of al Qaeda’s newest, faboo location, al Qaeda of East Paramus! The first 500 customers get a free novelty IED (1 per customer–I mean, how many do you freaking need? ).

There is a certain panic in the anti-war leadership … (blah blah blah)…would be a vindication of the Bush Doctrine

BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAA!!!1!!1!
*hee hee*
[ wipes tear from eye ]
…Oh, I’m sorry. I hope I didn’t spray anyone with spittle!
That Hugh–he so fonny!

leaving the two color-coordinated antagonists to chase each other through a lifeless, smoldering, irradiated landscape for all eternity.

…Or, get same-sex married. I mean, the world is already destroyed–what harm could it do? And you just know that it’s legal in that über-liberal Star Trek future!

…and although it would also be in the very best interests of the country as a whole

And if I had all of Bill Gates’ fortune, I’d be able to buy every WO’C reader a really huge ferris wheel, a mansion, and a yacht, but in spite of me really, really wanting all that money, somehow it hasn’t fallen into my lap. And, strangely enough, no matter how tightly Dumbya scrunches up his little face, or how often he flops to the ground as if he were boneless… well, you know.
Iraq.

Even though the day is long, I hope he ends it with Brit Hume…

Eeeeewwww!! Fagz! And with a uniform fetish, yet!

Using the Gregorian Calendar is just depressing people. He needs to start framing the debate in geologic time.

Ur just full of bon mots today, scott. Classic! Brah-veaux!

I also hope General Petraeus tells us how many foreign jihadists have been killed in Iraq in the months since the surge began.

Oh, free or four!
Hope, hope, hope–Hugh’s just fulla it, ain’t he? If you know what I mean, and I’ll bet you do!

[...] but I hope the Pentagon will see that there is a huge difference between tallies of Viet Cong and North Vietnamese killed in the ’60s and the ’70s, and the number of international terrorists dispatched in Iraq in 2007.

[ head explodes ]
Man, I don’t know how you manage to slog all the way through one of Hugh’s ‘orrible, ‘orrible so-called columns. Blek! Ptui! Ugh–it’s true! They do leave a crappy taste in yer mouth! It’s almost enough to drive one to… naah!
I’d do that anyway.

Left by Marq on July 31st, 2007

I didn’t think it was possible to write that much stupid in one essay. Hewitt is a master, I tell ya.

Left by Humbert Dinglepencker on July 31st, 2007

Reading this, I was struck by how much Hugetits sounds like a four year old describing his first roller coaster ride:

So we stood on line a lonnnnnnnnnnnnng time, for hours! and then we got to the front of the line and then we waited for the next train to come in the station and then we waited for the people who were in the train to get out and then they got out on the other side and then the gates swung open and then I got bumped on the head and then we climbed into the train and then grandpa had to help him in and then and then he pulled the seatbelt around me and then the bar came down in my lap and then the train started moving…
Ad infinitum. Ad nauseum.

Left by actor212 on July 31st, 2007

I’m pretty sure he believes everything he’s saying.
Well, D., say it again: it’s past time to wonder about the whole mental illness vs. paid liar stuff and hold them accountable, in the criminal sense, in the same way George Bush would execute a microencephalic–in a heartbeat. But look at the number of things one must believe to grant Sugar Tits Hewitt a modicum of honesty: he believed, serially, in Iraq’s possession of nuclear weapons, and the immanent threat of their use, Mission Accomplished and an End to Major Combat operations, no insurgency, an insurgency consisting of a few dead enders, an insurgency in its last throes, of fighting them Over There, not Over Here, the glories of the first Iraq vote, the glories of the second, of the third, of the rough draft of the Constitution, of the second draft, that Bush was the answer, that Rumsfeld was the answer, that Bremer was the answer, that Gen. Petraeus is Da Man, that Gen. Casey was, that Gen Sanchez was, that every major military expert who’s weighed in against our continued presence knows less than Hugh himself, that the Times, via Judy Miller, told the truth about WMDs, despite the absence of evidence, but lied about Abu Gharib, despite plenty, and that anyone who disagrees with him on any subject from environmentalism to estate taxes wants the US to lose and Americans to die just for the thrill of saying Neener Neener to his face. I’m sorry, but my severely demented mother would have seen through all this three years ago.

Left by Doghouse Riley on July 31st, 2007

There is a certain panic in the anti-war leadership as they [...] understand that the unmistakable momentum [blah blah] bolster support [blah] victory in Iraq.
You can sense that Hewitt yearns to use the words ‘Ghost-dance phase’, but he’s struggling against the temptation, for fear of the copyright royalties he would then have to cough up to Doghouse Riley.
but we can establish a minimum of the number of them killed by our military before they ever had the chance to take jihad anywhere else.
This is the argument he he is advising Petraeus to use: After a bombing raid, any corpse found in the vicinity of a weapon is a “dead terrorist [representing] a significant victory for American security”. Any corpses that aren’t armed are “foreigners who travel to Iraq [...] killed by our military before they ever had the chance to take jihad.”
I could make fun of that, but I’d feel dirty afterwards.

Left by Herr Doktor Bimler on July 31st, 2007

Cold Duck

2011-11-20T19:56:00.000-08:00

The LA Times has mercifully discontinued Mallard Fillmore, on the theory that anyone trolling the comics pages for hilarious hijinks and knee-slapping shenanigans are more likely to find them in the panels of Rex Morgan, M.D. Nevertheless, a commenter in this Sadly, No! thread pointed me to today’s edition of Bruce Tinsley’s long-running series: How Many Ways Can A Duck Suck?…

Well, THAT ought’a persuade Al Gore to STFU. Unless you happen to recall this post, in which we discussed Mr. Tinsley’s habit of getting arrested for driving under the influence. Granted, his caricatures are ugly, but you have to admit, the man draws what he knows:

As fellow Hoosier Doghouse Riley pointed out at the time, Mr. Tinsley wasn’t some innocent Joe who had a couple of beers with fellow conservative waterfowl fanciers, then fell afoul of an overzealous traffiic cop. He was a repeat, and, as it turns out, extremely enthusiastic offender:

Guy blows a .14 on a second arrest in four months and he’s free on $750 bail, plus it somehow takes a week for the news to get out. He’s got an angel somewhere. And he could now be looking at a Class D felony, and definitely some jail time. Should be interesting to watch. Plus the opportunity to say, “Mallard Fillmore, by convicted felon Bruce Tinsley” would almost make reading the thing worth it.

So while I’m happy that Mr. Tinsley is reducing his carbon footprint, I think it has less to do with ecological altruism, and more to do with the court dropping his drivers license into a document shredder. And Bruce? The “legislation forcing everyone to do what you do” is called Indiana Code 9-30-5. You might want to pay special attention to the section on license suspension, and mandatory jail time after second offense.

But by all means, get on your high horse about people who voluntarily ride a bike. I’m pretty sure they can’t cite you for cantering down the equestrian trail while slightly drunker than Lee Marvin in Cat Ballou.

Posted by scott on Sunday, July 29th, 2007 at 2:20 am.

34 Responses to “Cold Duck”

FRIST!!!
“I’m pretty sure they can’t cite you for cantering down the equestrian trail while slighter drunker than Lee Marvin in Cat Ballou.”
As shickled-titless as I am to see a ref to Cat Ballou, honeychild, don’t you KNOW that it’s now illegal in at least 20 states to ride yo’ plowhorse whilst innebriated?!?!? Same goes for lawnmowers, Li’l Rascals, and powered scooters of any build.
Granted, it took Louisiana ’til 2001 to actually outlaw drunnken horseriding on the thoroughfares and riddled-with-potholes-like-swiss-cheese roads of this state, but they finally got it DONE, by gum!
Tinsley — if only that motherfucker would finally wrap his car or bicycle around a fucking TREE. Then he wouldn’t have to make any more “stunning confessions” — THE WORLD WOULD FINALLY KNOW THAT HE’S A RAGING, SELF-LOATHING ALCOHOLIC HYPOCRITE ASSHOLE, and he wouldn’t be able to say or (sloppily “draw”) another fucking word about it!
He’s wasting my oxygen AND my funny pages with his dreadfully moronic bullshit, and I want to save the ozone layer by turning him into fertilizer, especially considering that he’s 90% bullshit already.

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on July 29th, 2007

Hee hee. Is Mallard “voluntarily” riding his widdle bike everywhere ‘cos he’s had two DUIs too? Inquiring minds want to know!

Left by Marq on July 29th, 2007

Mallard-hunters can converge on Duck And Cover (http://duckcover.blogspot.com/), where we tear Tinsley’s “works” apart with relish on a daily basis. (Immature and pointless? Mayhap. But it beats expensive therapy.)
There, it was revealed that Tinsley had a biking-related letter published in USAToday two days before the above-mentioned strip. Here’s the full-letter quote from the USAToday website:
Bruce Tinsley – Indianapolis
Hats off to USA TODAY for its great cycling coverage. As the cartoonist who created the Mallard Fillmore cartoon, I get most of my ideas for my cartoon while riding my bike.
Next to politics, cycling is my passion, and its great to see cycling getting some great play in the newspaper.
But I was disappointed in USA TODAY’s selection of the “coolest frames,” which ran in a breakout box with the article “High-end pedals to the metal.” I ride a Roark, a custom-built bike designed by a little aerospace company in Brownsburg, Ind. The company took the “Best Titanium Bicycle” award at the North American Handmade Bicycle show in 2006 and beat out lots of the more expensive bikes named in the article.
If people are going to invest in a bike, the custom frames are the way to go.
Holy shit, he publicized up his strip in a completely unrelated letter. L-O-S-E-R.
Also, no one at D&C could come up with a single example of “Greens” who want to force people to bike through legislation. Most soaks that pathetic and beyond help see big pink elephants; Tinsley sees little Green men, probing his anus with legislation.

Left by Happenstance on July 29th, 2007

Does anybody else have the messed-up margin thing again?

Left by Bill S on July 29th, 2007

It’s still a better comic than “Day by Day” or “Faithmouse”.

Left by Gundamhead on July 29th, 2007

wow, maybe he draws everyone in a thuggish manner because that’s what he looks (and thinks) like (not to dis thugs, mind you). It’s been said that all art is self portrait. After seeing his mug it seems pretty clear.

Left by Donna on July 29th, 2007

hell, most recent legislation involving bicycles has been the mandatory helmet laws, which in many cases discourages bicycle riding so insurance companies can have an out in not paying for long term brain trauma cases. as in “your honor, the claimant was breaking the law by not wearing the required helmet, therefore we don’t have to honor his claim”
and good luck on getting most state transportation departments to use federal funds on bicycle infrastructure without major delays and skimming of the top.

Left by preznit giv me turkee on July 29th, 2007

“I get most of my ideas for my cartoon while riding my bike,” he sez?
Shit, it looks like he draws the fucking thing while he’s riding his precious, “custom framed” bike, too! Does he get his ideas before or after he collides with the Scottish policeman? Hell.

Left by Marq on July 29th, 2007

Holy shit, he publicized up his strip in a completely unrelated letter. L-O-S-E-R.
He also plugged this Roark company. Angling for a free bike frame, I’m guessing. Too bad USAToday cut his lavish praise for a locally-formulated hangover remedy. He could’ve really used a supply of that.
it looks like he draws the fucking thing while he’s riding his precious, “custom framed” bike, too!
Nah. He “draws” it by tracing Opus from old Bloom Counties. For dialogue, free-form haranguing, to taste.

Left by FlipYrWhig on July 29th, 2007

Guess he feels that his titanium bike frame and love of pedal power will assist in repairing his newly created image as an ignorant drunk.
Ironic that he uses a stereotype so often foisted on the ‘liberuals’ in an effort to publicly redeem himself.

Left by kate on July 29th, 2007

newly created in his mind, its always been apparent that he’s an ignorant ass with every strip he writes. — just want to make clear I didn’t think his stupidity is a new thing.

Left by kate on July 29th, 2007

He hasn’t lowered his carbon footprint. He’s just replaced his car emissions with more beer farts.
At least he doesn’t live here Up Nort’ where the drunks drive their CO2 monster snowmobiles from bar to bar in the winter after they lose their auto licenses.

Left by Helena Handbag on July 29th, 2007

Boy gives a bad name to ducks.

Left by Heydave on July 29th, 2007

Heydave, for a second I read that as “Boy gives a bad name to DRUNKS.”
Which is true too.
He also gives hacks a bad name.

Left by Bill S on July 29th, 2007

Mallard Fillmore, by Dullard Swillmore.

Left by Mentis Fugit on July 29th, 2007

Gundamhead: Not to mention The Leftersons (has there ever been a funny right-wing comic). I’ll admit there are times when I’m forced to admit that I to agree with the duck, but he’s too damn smug about it to see it as a way to set up common ground. As for Faithmouse, Lacey seems like a pretty nice guy, but with some of his comics (since Timothy is supposed to represent the worst of him) I wonder if he’s got a few screws loose.

Left by Yaoi Huntress Earth on July 29th, 2007

As for Faithmouse, Lacey seems like a pretty nice guy, but with some of his comics (since Timothy is supposed to represent the worst of him) I wonder if he’s got a few screws loose.
All true.
Yours sincerely,
Mr. Faithmouse
Loose screws on display at THE FAITHMOUSE REQUEST THREAD at PoE.

Left by Dan Lacey on July 30th, 2007

No more local news about that DUI, or none that I’ve seen, but assuming that Indianapolis dateline in the USAT letter is right he’s migrated about 45 miles from the scene of the crime since. (Brownsburg, in the western suburbs, was once a pastoral stop on my own youthful cycling trips; now it’s one large strip mall, thanks to our refusal to let the Greens dictate land use.) I trust he took the bus.

Left by Doghouse Riley on July 30th, 2007

See, I tend to find Faithmouse and the like at least unintentionally silly. Or I can tell where the joke is and see how it just wasn’t funny.
Most of the time, I have no idea where the joke is in Mallard Fillmore. None. Whatsoever. It gives me hope, really — if I fail at my current profession and my backup profession, I can be a right wing cartoonist. Apparently drawing and joke telling skills aren’t required.

Left by Vivek on July 30th, 2007

Exactly Vivek, but I think that goes for most of the comics I see in my local paper. Bad drawing, stupid lines and captions and a reliance on worn out cliches depending on old ignorances and prejudices. I skip the funnies most mornings as they simply make me want to crawl back in bed and wake up in another, intelligent universe.
By the way, for how long will we have to endure Drunkmore’s sneering, Bowryesque mug?

Left by kate on July 30th, 2007

Kate: I agree, most comic strips are crap with a few rare exceptions like Get Fuzzy and the now defunct Liberty Meadows. It makes me wonder how it got so bad.

Left by Yaoi Huntress Earth on July 30th, 2007

He does look like Texas Governor Rick Perry’s evil.. er.. more evil twin.

Left by norbizness on July 30th, 2007

Or Dan Ackroyd in Trading Places.

Left by D. Sidhe on July 30th, 2007

You wonder where he gets the dialog for Mallard?
That’s easy. He just uses one of Rushbo’s talking points (probably listening while he weaves down the road).
It’s not funny, of course, but it does serve an ideological purpose. Because Rushbo’s talking points are just so much more convincing when coming out of the mouth of a cartoon duck.

Left by Satan luvvs Repugs on July 30th, 2007

If Tinsley gets his ideas while pedaling about, that explains a lot. Maybe it’d help if we chipped in an bought him a seat.
Certainly newspaper strips have declined lately; at some point, every fool who could scrawl semi-consistently decided they were qualified. (Irony! Aaron McGruder’s Boondocks was so vastly improved upon when the concept taken out of his exclusive control and given to a Hollywood committee of writers and artists that he actually abandoned his loathsome, heavily-xeroxed strip.) But some don’t totally stink the place up.
Here’s what I LIKE: Zits, Tina’s Groove, Sherman’s Lagoon, Pooch Cafe, Non Sequitur, Mutts, Monty, Lio, Get Fuzzy, Doonesbury, Dilbert, Candorville.
Then there’s the stuff I read every day just to wince at/snark on: Sally Forth, Luann, Garfield, For Better Or For Worse, Born Loser, Blondie.
But the best stuff? Online. Not perfect, but better than the junk in the local fishwrap. Wapsi Square, Dr. McNinja, C’est la Vie, Lackadaisycats, Bob The Angry Flower, Perry Bible Fellowship, Maakies, Red Meat, Gone With The Blastwave, Girly.
And Sinfest. Man I love Sinfest. This is what the religious-nut artists should be looking at; the strip is quite pro-religion–even preachy, in that it usually has a message–but it’s delivered with style, grace, and beauty, rather than a sledgehammer. OH YEH AND IT’S TEH FUNNAY.
I’ll also flog Comics Curmudgeon too, it’s a nice blog for throwing rocks at daily crapstrips. Just DON’T MENTION MALLARD FILLMORE. You’ll get banned. Trust me on this.
If you don’t know any of the strips I’ve listed, Google and treat yourself. I’m always open to new stuff. What do YOU like?

Left by Happenstance on July 30th, 2007

I totally dig Perry Bible Fellowship, the artist is quite good. If you’re into angry reviews try this link: http://badwebcomics.blogspot.com/2007/06/ctrlaltdel.html The guy does a great review of bad webcomics.

Left by Yaoi Huntress Earth on July 30th, 2007

Your Funky Winterbean parody? I laughed. “Let me cry, Daddy”? I almost threw up so hard I turned inside out.
Oh my God–that is SO bookmarked, now that I’ve cleaned up. Thank you, YHE!
…Now I just have to wait until he rips up a webcomic I like, and I can get all hurt and pissy.

Left by Happenstance on July 30th, 2007

Thanks Happenstance, none of the good comics you listed are published in my local firestarter.
I will though, google the others.
The Boston Globe runs some good comics, but lo, I am poor and do not buy the Globe at this time, in fact I refuse to buy the other , someone else does and I end up looking to see who just got bagged or if there’s a rapist loose again. Or I want to suffer some bad effort at humor and art.

Left by kate on July 30th, 2007

All of the print-funnies I listed can be found online for free as well, and most will be at one or more of these sites:
http://seattlepi.nwsource.com
http://www.comics.com
http://www.gocomics.com
http://www.uclick.com
http://www.ucomics.com
(The webcomics all have individual homepages, natch.)

Left by Happenstance on July 31st, 2007

“Because Rushbo’s talking points are so much more convincing when coming out of the mouth of a cartoon duck”
Well, relatively speaking…that’s probably true.

Left by Bill S on July 31st, 2007

Dude, Sinfest was so 1998.
I think the only webcomics I’ve read recently are PBF and Diesel Sweeties. I used to read Penny Arcade, Scary Go Round, and a bunch of others, though.

Left by Vivek on July 31st, 2007

Mallard Fillmore, by Dullard Swillmore.
Left by Mentis Fugit
OK, that made me laugh.

Left by actor212 on July 31st, 2007

The difference between me and “Greens” is I don’t want legislation forcing everyone to do what I do
It’s the difference between him and MADD, too.

Left by tigrismus on July 31st, 2007

oh my crap. give the guy a break, just because he did a bicycle comic doesn’t mean it has to be connected to his drinking and driving. people should lay off. Mallard’s a H E R O

Left by Sasha on December 2nd, 2009

How To Pitch Movies…If You’re A Right Wing Hack

2011-11-20T19:50:00.000-08:00

Recently, Kathryn Jean Lopez escaped from the Bedlam-like confines of The Corner and wandered into Townhall, where she was immediately mistaken for the Kommissar of Kultur, leading to a series of rib-tickling monkeyshines straight out of the 1949 Danny Kaye vehicle, The Inspector General.

For most of its history, Hollywood has been a liberal enterprise

Yep. For more information, see Neil Gabler’s groundbreaking book, Joseph Breen, Secret Hippie.

…with occasional exceptions like “The Passion of the Christ.”

Which wasn’t actually made by Hollywood, thus proving that the exception proves the rule to the, uh…exception.

And it’s also been too darn predictable. Hollywood needs to make more movies that don’t use its typical formula. One outside-the-box example is the raunchy summer comedy “Knocked Up” – its adolescent humor is infused with a conservative message.

I don’t approve of raunchy comedies, even in warm weather, but filmmaker Judd Apatow deserves kudos for his courageous decision to reject the weary old Hollywood formula in favor of the bold, risky, untried tack of “Boy meets Girl. Boy loses Girl. Boy gets Girl in the end.” For viewers who sit through Knocked Up, expecting a romantic comedy, the experience is no doubt similar to the shock felt by the audiences who saw the first screening of Un chien andalou, or Nijinsky’s masturbating ruminant in the 1912 premiere of L’Apres-midi d’um faune.

If I were issuing grants to filmmakers for non-formulaic productions, there would be two genres I’d look to fund. First, we could really use inspiring war stories…

To thine own porn be true.

…taking place not just on the battlefield, but also on the airwaves or anywhere a major conflict impacts our way of life.

Exactly! It’d be like Audie Murphy’s autobiography, To Hell and Back, or Guadalcanal Diary, or The Thin Red Line, except it would be about Hugh Hewitt (affectionately known to his interns as “Gunny”) fighting the Battle of Fallujah from his besieged studio in the Empire State Building. Can’t you just see Hugh, grimy, unshaven, crazed with grief and rage as he verbally mows down enemy strawmen while bellowing to his troops, “C’mon you candy-asses, get back in the war! And get me a no-foam double vanilla latte and a raspberry danish!” Call it, To Zabars and Back, or, The Sands of St. Croix.

There have been some attempts, which I applaud, but we need more. We’re at war. Pop culture should reflect that.

Yeah. Except pop culture is, sort of by definition, popular culture. When the country is united behind a war, films depicting it will attract audiences. When a war is unpopular, however, you’re more likely to see it celebrated in noticably unpopular culture — like the National Review, or Townhall.

Secondly, I’d support the “Feminism Does Not Speak for Me” project — as feminism does not speak for me, and I’m not the only American woman who would say that.

While I, on the other hand, support the “I Support Tautology Because I Support Tautology” project because I support the Tautology project. And I’m not the only American who would say that. Especially if they’d recently sustained a head wound.
And anyway, unlike “Boy Meets Girl,” the old “Feminism does not speak for me” formula is much more commercially viable, because, let’s face it, women flock to those movies. Especially during seasonably warm temperatures, when they just want to turn off the brain, kick off their shoes, and watch a didactic flick dramatizing the heroic efforts of reactionary political action committees to roll back gains in reproductive rights and gender equality.

For you major-motion-picture types, here are some ideas. Enjoy them. And have no worries, I won’t ask for royalties.

Ohhh, to have the Diet Sprite and Junior Mint concession for these blockbusters.

SOLDIERS’ ANGEL. With a son deployed in Iraq and a daughter who’s helped the rebuilding efforts in Afghanistan and Iraq, D.C. mom and Hill vet Barbara Ledeen spends her off hours talking to and advocating for young men, some of whom lost limbs to enemy IEDs. In a culture where sacrifice is slim and protest often casual (including the antiwar protests she encounters outside medical centers where our wounded are being cared for), Ledeen’s encounters are heartbreaking, startling and inspiring.

This is a very strong pitch, but I think K-Lo needs to stress the project’s potential as a tentpole summer comedy. For instance, there’s the whole Tracy and Hepburn-like back and forth as Barbara, the “Soldier’s Angel,” spends her off-hours advocating for service personnel maimed in Iraq, while her husband Michael spends his time at the office advocating for the invasion of Iran (“and faster, please!”). It’s like Adam’s Rib, except with more amputees. Then there’s our B story, where daughter Simone takes a job with the Coalition Provisional Authority and promptly loses 9 billion dollars! From there it’s a non-stop gigglefest as Simone goes through one desperate, hare-brained scheme after another to keep her parents from finding out (I see it as a cross between the 1967 Jim Hutton laugher Who’s Minding The Mint? and the later episodes of Here’s Lucy.

POWER TO THE PEOPLE! I’ve stolen the title from radio-talk show host Laura Ingraham’s upcoming book (Regnery), so she might want royalties. A group of media conservatives helps kill a bad bill against all odds. With the power of the White House pushing an amnesty-for-illegal-immigrants bill, a dramatic debate ensues, with name-calling, broken friendships and eventually some redemption. The White House loses big, but it’s a victory for law-abiding Americans who let themselves be heard via phone and e-mail, against the backdrop of heart-wrenching stories and the need for law and order.

The drama just drips from every word of this synopsis, creating an ever-widening pool that obstructs foot traffic and eventually draws a rebuke from OSHA. At last, Hollywood tells the stories of Real American Bigots the way they were meant to be told: Up on the big screen! 30 feet tall! Via phone and email.

CHENEY. He was White House chief of staff. He was secretary of defense. They thought his career was over. And then he became one of the most hated and feared politicians in the land, one heartbeat away from the presidency. But that was only the beginning. After months of the politicos’ eyeing the field, Dick Cheney surprised them all by storming in late in the race and taking the Republican nomination for president in 2008.

But then, at the last second, Aragorn shows up with Isildur’s sword and an army of the Sleepless Dead, and it looks like the tide is turning. Only Cheney slays Theoden, and then he tells Eowyn, “No man can kill me!” and then she stabs him right in the face and pulls off her helmet, and her hair still looks great, and she says, “I am no man!” And then everybody goes to Mordor, and Gollum falls in the lava with the One Ring, and then the black tower with the big flaming eye that kinda looks like a vagina falls over in slow motion, and the eye is glancing back and forth like it’s going, “WTF, dude?” And then some eagles pick up the Hobbits and everybody goes to Gondor to party, and Aragorn takes the Republican nomination for King.

You get the idea. There are a lot of stories out there. No need for us to be seeing the same movie. Or worse than that: an Al Gore production.

Yes, let’s not wallow in that fey, Oscar-winning shit. Now, some people may ask (like Roy. Repeatedly.) why the purveyors of wingnut welfare don’t pour some of the same resources they’ve used to build up phony think tanks, astroturf advocacy groups, magazines, websites, and Fox News into producing their own films. Well, I think there are two reasons.
First, unlike the cost of keeping Jonah in Yoo Hoos and Little Debbie’s Pecan Spinwheels, making a movie is actually expensive, requiring anywhere from 10 to 60 million dollars for a respectable product, let alone the additional millions for prints and advertising. And while the men and women who fund the conservo-calliope are happy to tell Hollywood which mouth to put their money in, when it comes to their own pockets, they don’t seem terribly anxious to wager on whether audiences will flock to see the uplifting prison drama, Scooter Libby: The Lambshank Redemption.
Secondly, these same financiers spent 30 years building the world’s loudest megaphone, and since the dawn of the Clinton Administration they have been shouting through it unceasingly until now the major news media spend most of their time quivering in a corner like a whipped hound. They expected a return on investment, and they got it. And they see no reason why, if they turn that same megaphone on Hollywood, they can’t bellow the movie industry into obedience as well. That way, Hollywood will start devoting most of its resources to turning out right wing propaganda disguised as “entertainment,” while the news media promotes right wing talking points — no matter how transparently untrue – in the interest of “balance.”
So, anticipating the day when Bill O’Reilly’s hectoring drives Sumner Redstone into an overdue grave, and the Liberty Film Festival becomes the new Cannes, feel free to pitch your ideas for conservative movies in the comments. And K-Lo says it’s okay to steal the titles right wing books, even if they haven’t yet been published or even remaindered and mulched yet.
h/t to reader Patrick

Posted by scott on Friday, July 27th, 2007 at 6:19 pm.

53 Responses to “How To Pitch Movies…If You’re A Right Wing Hack”

Um. I think I’m more interested in seeing The Ninja’s movie. No, scratch that. I am definitely more interested in seeing the Ninja’s movie.
What the hell is wrong with people like her? She actually thinks a gripping and suspenseful movie could be made about rightwing pundits talking on the radio and tv in order to bring down the “amnesty immigration” bill?
I wanna slap her. Hard. Very hard. And then make a movie about it.

Left by maryc on July 27th, 2007

Well, that’d be a really short movie, maryc. Unless you’re filming ALL the people who wanna slap her. Then it’ll be longer than “Shoah”.

Left by Bill S on July 27th, 2007

I’m with mary. I can’t even read the rest of her shit.
I got here:”And it’s also been too darn predictable”, and slapping her moved to the very top of my list. If you’ve not been paying attention to Miss Lopez, and why would you?, it will still not surprise you too much to learn that the woman who is too polite and mannerly to use “damn” in a sentence yesterday, once again, equated consensual same sex love with animal rape. She’s too genteel to use obscene words, but by god, calling an entire group of people animals, that’s just rational, adult debate.

Left by D. Sidhe on July 27th, 2007

A movie about Cheney! Wow! It could be called “The Mad Puppetmaster”. Or “Bunker Beast”. Or “How to (Earn? Steal?) a Billion Dollars Without Even Trying”

Left by Kathy on July 27th, 2007

The movie thing? It’s been tried. “The Green Berets,” 1968, starring, produced by, and largely funded by John Wayne. Not many people can afford to do what John Wayne did–make a movie as a tribute to the soldiers and as a propaganda piece to celebrate their cause. Didn’t help, apparently, as that’s the same year the popular tide really turned against the war.
But hey, maybe this time it’ll work. Maybe if Jonah asks his mom for an advance on his allowance…

Left by trashfire on July 27th, 2007

She’s like a black hole of stupid. Eventually she & her drooling friends will collapse upon themselves and create a portal to another universe. Don’t Go There!

Left by Kathy on July 27th, 2007

Or a romantic comedy about the Cheneys, “Kiss My Dick!”

Left by Bill S on July 27th, 2007

Fred Thomas (Thompson?) could play Cheney.

Left by Kathy on July 27th, 2007

Its so insufferably hot in here that if a winger gave me a free ticket and money for popcorn and drinks, I’d bring my MP3 player and take a nice nap in a dark, air conditioned space.
yes, its pretty damn hot here right now.
That aside, Bill your analysis is spot on. How soon before they wingers start calling for concentration camp building to boost the construction industry? Or are they already proposing that?

Left by kate on July 27th, 2007

K-Lo had some good ideas for movies. Here are some more:
Macaca and Me A coming of age tale about a California teenager discovering his Confederate identity.
Run, Fredo, Run Can Alberto Gonzalez get to the hospital before anyone with integrity finds out?
That’s all I got for now.

Left by Mark S. on July 27th, 2007

Dick Cheney surprised them all by storming in late in the race and taking the Republican nomination for president in 2008
Er, she does realize that Cheney’s current popularity is about that of Joe Stalin in Russia? Granted, Cheney hasn’t murdered several million Americans, but neither has Cheney been successful in his war.

Left by Rich on July 27th, 2007

“The Boys of the 101st” is an edge-of-your-seat thriller about those tireless kids on the front lines of Fauxtography analysis.
There are the usual war-movie stock characters: the brainy writer guy who’s working on a novel about the fearsome threat posed by an DhimmiCRAP fifth column out to destabilize the U.S. government (set, of course, in the Star Trek milieu); the kid from Brooklyn; the Judeo-Christian kid who wears a yarmulke under his helmet; the black kid whose eyes are finally opened to the reality that Liberals are the true racists and have been all along; the hardbitten topkick who runs the blog where they all comment.
Jamil Hussein, Green Helmet Guy, Islamic Rage Boy and Scott Thomas Beauchamp hatch a plot to spread the malicious lie that all is not puppies and kitties in Iraq, using letters and doctored photos from fake soldiers. In a race against time reminiscent of the climax of War Games, Our Kids of the Fightin’ One-Oh-One need to do a last-second kerning analysis of a document purporting to prove that Cheney is, in reality, the Evil Terminator.
How does it end? Well, let’s just say that when you leave the theater, there will be a tear in your eye and a lump in your throat–a lump that’s chock-full of love for this great country of ours.
As a bonus, there are plenty of opportunities for product placement–think Cheetos and Mountain Dew Code Red.

Left by Doc Washboard on July 28th, 2007

I dunno: Wasn’t that Cheney movie made already? Except, I thought he had knives for fingers, or something like that…

Left by JoeBuddha on July 28th, 2007

Okay, for the record? While I would watch the Ninja’s movie, I wouldn’t watch any of K-Lo’s suggestions. There’s bad, and then there’s *boring*. And then there’s bad and boring. And when you go a step beyond that? You get “Soldier’s Angel”.

Left by Randall on July 28th, 2007

Well, since I’m really tired, and I just took an Ambien pill* (just *one*, D.! Just! One!), I’ll come back later with whatever twisted crap I dream up in my dreamy dreams!
.
.
.
.
.
*Yes, I am tired. Exhausted, in fact. But. I. Am. Not. Sleepy!!!11!

Left by Marq on July 28th, 2007

I’m sorry, I can’t think of anything. The suggestions so far are great though! Especially “The Boys of the 101st”. Damn that’s good stuff! And the sad part is I can almost see them pitching something like that. Keep em’ coming!

Left by Gundamhead on July 28th, 2007

but it’s a victory for law-abiding Americans who let themselves be heard via phone and e-mail,
Hey! Was this an extremely clever dig at warrantless wiretapping? Wow, I have to give that Corey Feldman-looking woman some credit here! Maybe this was a coded message to people like us to let us know that she’s working on subverting the noise machine from the inside! You go, comrade!
Oh, she’s just an clueless idiot? *Sigh* Yeah, I figured.

Left by Edgar Allan Li Po on July 28th, 2007

“Pre-Born to Kill”
The ghosts of all 40 million gruesomely murdered womb babies come back to wreak their bloody revenge on the greedy abortion doctors who killed them for no reason other than greed and evil, and possibly made stew with their innocent little patriotic bodies. Then they ostentatiously forgive the mothers who killed them, causing them all to repent and immediately get to work pumping out a tide of shiny white babies to drive back the Muslim hordes. Then they spread out across the land to take all the jobs Americans don’t want to do, shaming the illegal aliens into fleeing back to their home countries. And in a thrilling CGI-enhanced multimedia musical spectacular finale, everyone gets a pony! And Iran falls into the molten center of the Earth or something.

Left by Penh on July 28th, 2007

Penh, that reminds me of a movie I actually did see, I think on “The 700 Club”, but maybe it was some other conservative program. It was a thriller depicting a little girl whose mother leaves her alone in a house. A sinister figure wearing a surgical mask repeated tries to break in through windows, brandishing a scalpal, chasing the frightened girl and trying to kill her as she screams for help. Her mother reappears and hugs her, then exits and allows the killer to continue chasing the kid.
Apparently it was supposed to be an allegory on abortion.
Wait…is “on” the correct word in that sentence? Or is it grammatically incorrect? That’s gonna drive me crazy the rest of the day.
Anyway, I can’t remember the title of that film, but I’m wondering if anybody else saw it. It was so long ago, maybe I just imagined it. A part of me sorta hopes so.

Left by Bill S on July 28th, 2007

Seeing as how the K-Los of the planet have been reduced to gathering in cyberspace searching for the mystical e-chord that’ll return us all to the first Reagan administration, thereby rescuing their sorry asses (“Master, save us! We’ve grown progressively stupider, just as you taught us!”), I’m not sure critique is even theoretically possible anymore. It’s like trying to figure out snake handling, sati, or the Bravo schedule. Still, I think it should be pointed out that the “liberal enterprise for most of its history” was more-or-less established by Birth of a Nation and Intolerance, neither of which could rightly be described as “liberal”, even making adjustments for later advancements in medical science; that the Hayes Office dictated content from the beginning of Talkies through the mid-1960s; and that beginning around 1975 Hollywood has spent most of its time trying to figure out what mode of transportation the theatre-going public would like to see blow up next. Unless you count as “liberal” the ongoing hallucination that keeps us in Robin Williams vehicles.
And while I agree that Mr. Edroso’s “make your own goddam movies” sweeps the field, I still prefer the opposite tack: let the reactionary wing of the Catholic Church take over, again, and let’s see how long the 91% God-fearing US of A puts up with a steady diet of Andy Hardy Defeats the Taliban.

Left by Doghouse Riley on July 28th, 2007

Dick Cheney surprised them all by storming in late in the race and taking the Republican nomination for president in 2008
Silly, K-lo. Cheney will surprise them all by storming in late in the race and canceling presidential elections in 2008. He will declare a national emergency, shoot W in the face, and–to the cheers of grateful wingnuts–set himself up as president for life…
And then in a shocking plot twist, Cheney rips his face off, revealing that he is none other than VINCE FOSTER. He turns power over to his dark mistress, Hitlery, and the anguished screams of Republicans echo eternally through this new hell on earth!
Ha! It’s a horror movie, K-lo–didn’t you watch the trailers?

Left by Dorothy on July 28th, 2007

“Secondly, I’d support the “Feminism Does Not Speak for Me” project”
em, seems there’s a wee flaw in your logic dear. If you feel that feminism doesn’t speak for you, shouldn’t you be home taking care of your babies and/or making more of them while creating a wonderful, chintz filled home for your husband?

Left by Donna on July 28th, 2007

No, since her other slogan is, “Sex Does Not Interest Me.”

Left by Dr. BDH on July 28th, 2007

My conservative movie pitch would be, “Star Wars minus 1: Return of Ron.” President Butch and Vice President Chance have been reduced to living on canned goods in Chance’s bunker while legions of deluded “Americans,” some of whom can’t even speak English, protest continuously against the war in Iraq and “illegal” surveillance. VP aide Moped Lurchy has been cast into a deep hole by the mob, Congoleum Reese is being prevented from disembarking from her plane after a failed attempt to persuade Saudi Arabia to invade Iran, and the offices of Wolf News are on fire. All looks bleak until the brilliant doctor-pundit, Chasmo Crumphauler, breaks into the vault holding the remains of Best American Ever Ron Reagan, reanimates him to the tune of, “Who Let the Dogs Out?” and sends him off to seek and destroy the leaders of the rebellion. Lots of blood and severed body parts later, Reagan, Lurchy and Reese rescue the beleagured unitary executive and his non-executive right-hand man, and lawnorder is restored. Potential sequel is hinted at in final scene, as missiles from North Korea are detected hurtling toward Utah.

Left by Dr. BDH on July 28th, 2007

CHENEY. He was White House chief of staff. He was secretary of defense. They thought his career was over. And then he became one of the most hated and feared politicians in the land, one heartbeat away from the presidency
Doesn’t this sound like a pitch for another bad vampire movie or another Highlander film?
Two thousand years ago he was a Roman Senator. Then he took the form of a Lithuanian Count, and then that of a Spanish Conquistador. He Has Always Been. He is the Cheney. In the End There Can Be only One.

Left by sjk on July 28th, 2007

Do you know that “Left Behind” was made into 3 movies- straight to DVD. My Husband who loves cheesy SciFi, bought the package of all 3 (at Wallmart I think). “Oh NOOOO!” I moaned. “You won’t like it” I warned him. Well, he watched the first movie, and part of the 2nd (with myself writhing in agony whilst trying to concentrate on my lapop). wonder why Ms. Grogan doesn’t mention these movies?

Left by Kathy on July 28th, 2007

How about this:
From the beginning it was a story marked by the miraculous. It was a miracle a six-year-old boy survived the storm at sea and floated safely in an inner tube for two days and nights toward shore; a miracle that when he tired and began to slip, the dolphins who surrounded him like a contingent of angels pushed him upward; a miracle that a fisherman saw him bobbing in the shark-infested waters and scooped him aboard on the morning of Nov. 25, 1999, the day celebrated in America, the country his mother died bringing him to, as Thanksgiving.
Whoops, that wasn’t a movie pitch, that was a Peggy Noonan column. My bad.

Left by The Kenosha Kid on July 28th, 2007

Maybe Pegs should become a screenwriter. Her grip on reality is tenuous anyway. She’s turning into the Norma Desmond of wingnuts. Actually, a remake of “Sunset Boulevard”, with Nooners as Norma and Jonah Who Swallowed The Whale as Joe would almost be entertaining.

Left by Bill S on July 28th, 2007

Granted, Cheney hasn’t murdered several million Americans
He’s only got a few 100,000, but he’s dealing with a smaller population.

Left by WTF on July 28th, 2007

The sequel run to Dorothy’s flick is that once Hillary settles in, national healthcare is installed, corporations are so taxed they have to cut CEO’s salaries and they are relegated to crumbling McMansions in isolated suburban tracts, gasoline is illegal and they are forced to form farming communes amongst eachother in order to live.
All the while the Old Time Religion crumbles as people shun superstition and a new world of rationalist humanist enlightenment dawns in the nation. Scientific development flourishes, green house gases are controlled as people live in cities close to their workplaces, teachers are among the highest paid and respected and colleges are free, communities spring up where people know their neighbors and enjoy free creative concerts on the lawns of well maintained, accessible city parks. People are healthier, saner and peace reigns.
And so the Great Oppression of Repressive Thought continues.

Left by kate on July 29th, 2007

Hollywood has spent most of its time trying to figure out what mode of transportation the theatre-going public would like to see blow up next.
Talking robot cars and jet fighters!
As soon as they do the Transformers sequel where we get to find out that their god is a giant aircraft carrier under siege by their devil, the giant transforming cruise ship, I believe we will have reached the very pinnacle of exploding vehicle art that Hollywood can offer us. Then, I dunno, I guess they move onto vehicle sex and murder a la Fatal Attraction or even, dare I say it, The Fugitive. (“I was framed! By the two-doored Volkswagen convertible! I’m innocent, I swear!”)

Left by D. Sidhe on July 29th, 2007

“I wanna slap her. Hard. Very hard. And then make a movie about it.” — MaryC
Honey, I bet that Larry Flynt would back that movie ALLLLL THE WAY TO THE SCREEN, instead of straight to DVD. For the political content, of course. Not just the beating-the-stupid-bitch-down “girl fight.” Really. I promise.
And Trashfire, correct me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t John Wayne another “hero” who never actually SERVED in the military, despite all of his chest-beating republicunt war-mongering at fundraisers for Reagan, et al?
Kate: Halliburton, Blackwater and Bechtel have been building remote, privately-run “prisons” (with no occupants, thus far…) to potentially hold “enemy combatants” — as, apparently, they don’t plan on taking AMERICANS to Gitmo, once they completely usurp the Constitution and declare Cheney Emperor For Life.
Rich: Regarding Cheney’s body count thus far: 3,400+ (not including the rescuers who are dying of lung cancer, etc., from the toxic fumes & waste at “Ground Zero”) on 9/11; pushing 4,000 American soldiers & Marines in Iraq; oh, and there’s the matter of THIRTEEN HUNDRED PLUS DURING KATRINA AND RITA — whilst Dumbya & his favorite fellatist, John McFonda, laughed it up at the “ranch.”
Stalin could’ve learned a lot from Cheney.
And while most of the ideas here are gut-injury-inducing funny, Dr. DBH has my vote. His shit is SICK, and that’s just the way that I like it. As if y’all didn’t know…
And SJK, don’t insult the horribly bad Highlander movies by associating them with Darth Cheney, Cyborg Of Doom. At least the LAST Highlander movie featured the glorious behind of one Adrian Paul (of the TV MacLeods), which incited my roommate and I into slobbering all over ourselves… I never got the appeal of Christopher Lambert’s mangled Belgian/brain-injured accent or his “acting,” but that Adrian Paul could be my houseboy ANYDAY.
Hmmmm… Adrian Paullllllll… mmmmmm…
Welp, better shaddup. Don’t wanna further damage ye old laptop with drool.
What?
Pay no attention to the buzzing sound behind the curtain. Nothing to see here, just move along now!

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on July 29th, 2007

I must ask: does KLo REALLY think that Laura Ingraham invented the phrase “power to the people?” ‘Cause that’s sure what it sounds like.

Left by GeoX on July 29th, 2007

Look at how illiterate that hermaphrodite unibrowed neanderthal is — do you think that she’s ever read ANYTHING that wasn’t spoon-fed to her by her “church” and her “parents” and every other half-literate right-wing batshit-crazy motherfucker in this country?
Puh-huh-leaze.
She probably thinks that “Say it loud, I’m Black And I’m Proud” originated with “EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS.”
Fucking igmocunt.

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on July 29th, 2007

[ OT interlude... ]
Argh! What’s that itchy pain on my back? Zits?
Hmm… it’s awfully pointy… Oh, NOES!!1!
It’d a dorsal fin!!11!
[ looks at teevee schedule ]
Yep. It’s what I thought.
It’s Shark Week.

Left by Marq on July 29th, 2007

“It’s a dorsal fin.”
I swear to Cthulhu that I proofread these damned things!
Honest!

Left by Marq on July 29th, 2007

Also kind of misses the point that popular culture by it’s very nature tends to be subversive and against everything that the rest of ‘normal’ society applauds.
Basically a clueless loon writing for a bunch of equally clueless loons, methinks,
Steve

Left by Steve on July 29th, 2007

Yeah, Marq, but they’ve only got eight new shows this year and most of them appear to be, as usual, Shark Attack Week. Is it just me? I want to see sharks. Not humans. If I want to see Blood In The Water Week, I’ll flip to the Science Fiction Channel.
They will, though, be reshowing last year’s Perfect Shark, which is hosted by Mike DeGruy. Yummy…. They don’t, unfortunately, seem to be offering Sharks: Size Matters, which also stars Mr DeGruy and a batch of small sharks.
Mind you, I’ve got both of those on DVD, last week was DSC’s semi-annual DVD sale. Five bucks a pop and all the adorable shirtless underwater photographer you can stand.

Left by D. Sidhe on July 29th, 2007

I think there’s a lot of potential in a show combining Cheney! and Shark Week. The scenes of Dick Cheney munching on innocent beachgoers would certainly take terror to a new level.
And I think they already made the Cheney movie as “The Final Countdown: Damien, Omen III.”
How about this proposal: , with K-Lo and Jonah as the world’s stupidest, most repulsive married couple. They set out to have a baby but are constantly thwarted by evil liberals trying to sneak in and force them to take contraceptives and have abortions, because any spawn of theirs would be so stupid it would single-handedly cause the human race to devolve. In the end, it is revealed that the Lopez-Goldbergs are incapable of reproducing because they don’t know how to have sex and believe babies are brought by storks. Thus humanity is saved!

Left by sophronia on July 29th, 2007

Oops, the comment somehow deleted the title of my conservative opus, which is “Stop! Or My Wife Will Gestate!”
Yeah, it’s too early in the morning. Sorry.

Left by sophronia on July 29th, 2007

D., I was always kinda partial to television’s shark scientist hunk, Rocky Strong–I mean, is that a gay pr0n name, or what? Plus, he’s certifiably insane, which continues my habit of being attracted to psychopaths. Remember a few years ago when–in the middle of the damned ocean–he was swtanding on a floating *whale corpse* while literally dozens of feeding great whites gnawed around the edges, only a few feet away. Actually, I don’t know how much danger you’d be in if you fell into the water under those circumstances. The sharks were all jostling each other to get into position to feed on whale blubber, but they weren’t biting each other. Given a choice of whale or stoopid human, 90% of ‘em would go for the former. You’d probably be in greater danger of being sandpapered to death between them as the squirmed about, trying to gain a good biting position up against the whale, or drown as their rolling bodies forced you under the waves.

Left by Marq on July 29th, 2007

sophronia, they probably also can’t reproduce because last I knew, a mule is sterile, no matter how many jackasses you put before it.

Left by kate on July 29th, 2007

Yikes, Kate. Mean, but funny as hell.
Marq, I just watched Rocky again in “Sharks in a Desert Sea”, and I gotta say, he really doesn’t do it for me. But he probably suffers by comparison to Mike, who turned up after that, and David Attenborough, who’s on now for RoboShark. Later, there will be more DeGruy, in the form of Ten Deadliest Sharks, and Dive to Shark Volcano. He’s shirtless in part of the former, I don’t recall him being shirtless in the latter, but I’ll be on a different channel by then anyway, watching The Nature of Things with David Suzuki (who has also appeared shirtless in recent weeks).
Either way, yum. Give me the smart guys, you can keep the whackos with the pornstar names. And that includes all those nutjobs on the survival shows they keep advertising. Man….

Left by D. Sidhe on July 29th, 2007

While this would work better as a reality show then a movie, I couldn’t resist sharing this idea…
A Woman’s Place: A group of anti-feminist female neo-con pundits are sent to live in the middle east where women have no rights what so ever. Watch as these women walk on eggshells to avoid talking, running or even showing the tiniest bit of flesh in public. Or when they learn that witholding sex from their temporary husbands (no rich sheiks for these girls) will not work like Phylis Schefily told them because frankly, those kind of men don’t like being told no by some uppity woman. (Kinda like the book, “Princess” in reality show form) Any that aren’t killed or commit suicide will go on to the next round.

Left by Yaoi Huntress Earth on July 29th, 2007

I’m actually watching Dr Strong sitting on a whale carcass right now. And enthusing about a great white’s claspers. Nutjob.
I wonder if there’s a niche for someone to liveblog Shark Week….

Left by D. Sidhe on July 29th, 2007

The other problem with KJlo’s movie ideas, we’ve effing lived them for the last 7 years.Why on earth does she think we’d actually go pay $8.50+ to see advertisements and a movie of the things we’ve already lived through and with? That’d like being raped and wanting to see it portrayed by Jodi Foster, damned talented, but do we need to see our immediate past history on the big screen? The right can’t be allowed to run away from this regime.

Left by Dee Loralei on July 30th, 2007

I doubt that anybody with any discernable talent-even if that talent is only self-promotion-would want anything to do with any of the movie ideas put forth by K. Lo-west Common Denominator.

Left by Bill S on July 30th, 2007

Jesus Christ. She’s actually arguing that Hollywood doesn’t make enough inspiring war films and anti-feminist movies. Has she ever been to a cinema?

Left by Ginger Yellow on July 30th, 2007

Ginger Yellow: Good point. But when it comes to neo-cons, no matter how inspiring the war film is, they don’t want to see war for what it truely is: dark, violent, and bloody where the good guys do get hurt. That’s why they were bitching when they tried to show Saving Private Ryan uncensored on non-cable a few years ago.

Left by Yaoi Huntress Earth on July 30th, 2007

“A Woman’s Place: A group of anti-feminist female neo-con pundits are sent to live in the middle east where women have no rights what so ever. Watch as these women walk on eggshells to avoid talking, running or even showing the tiniest bit of flesh in public. Or when they learn that witholding sex from their temporary husbands (no rich sheiks for these girls) will not work like Phylis Schefily told them because frankly, those kind of men don’t like being told no by some uppity woman. (Kinda like the book, “Princess” in reality show form) Any that aren’t killed or commit suicide will go on to the next round.
Left by Yaoi Huntress Earth on July 29th, 2007″
If there is a God(ess). Let those misogynist, reaction creeps put their money where their mouths are. Won’t be bitching about teh Feminazis!!11! after living in the world they’ve been trying to force other women to live in I’ll bet.

Left by Gundamhead on July 30th, 2007

I’d sure pay to see that reality show come true.

Left by Yaoi Huntress Earth on July 31st, 2007

*wiping a tear*
Well-played, sir…well played.

Left by actor212 on July 31st, 2007

Here’s another idea for a movie I’m sure they’ll love…
Chickenhawks: What happens when two Young Republicans are tricked into enlisting into the war in Iraq? Watch as they try to get along with the lower class and minorities they’ve always tried looked down on? What will they do when they discover that God and Allah are more similar than they thought? And will their rich parents be able to get them out?

Left by Yaoi Huntress Earth on July 31st, 2007

Friday Beast Blogging — Grokkin’ On Sunshine Edition

2011-11-20T19:48:00.000-08:00

Riley can’t believe — simply cannot believe – that Moondoggie is lying in her sun patch. Nevertheless, she remains confident that if she just STARES at him long enough without blinking…

…she can wish him into the cornfield.
Later, however, amends are made through an eagerly offered, and grudgingly accepted tongue bath. Fellas, take note.

“Oh all right, if you must, I suppose I can put up with it…”

Posted by scott on Friday, July 27th, 2007 at 2:01 pm.

16 Responses to “Friday Beast Blogging — Grokkin’ On Sunshine Edition”

I do notice that, in the second photo, Riley has the curled paw of pleasure going.
It could be that she’s still going for the feathers, but I don’t think so!

Left by Doodle Bean on July 27th, 2007

When my husband is out of town (quite a bit) my cat Peanut sleeps on his pillow, over which I place a towel. When Peter is home, and sleeping in ‘his’ spot, Peanut sits and staaares at him. And stares. And stares! Peter isn’t intimidated, tho, and eventually Peanut stalks off to sleep in the guest room.

Left by Kathy on July 27th, 2007

Dang it, every time you post a picture of these two darlings together, I want to run out and get another cat to keep Kitty Cheese company. Kitty Cheese looks so much like Moondoggie, it’s easy to slip into rosy fantasies of my rather thorny cat playing happily with a feline friend. The reality of bringing in a gato nuevo would probably be bloodshed and sleepless nights, alas.

Left by Candy on July 27th, 2007

I love your cats. I love everybody’s cats.
I’m probably not coping too well with the cat thing at this moment, though. I spent some time in IRC the other day with the friend of a friend, who wanted to know how old Cypress is, and then went on about how well, she’s old, and really, she’s going to die soon anyway no matter what you do, so it’s really mean to take her in and get her tests to see if she’s got a liver problem, you should just be nice to her in the time you have left. “I’m not trying to be insensitive,” says this person, and I wonder how much worse that conversation could have been if she *was* trying to be insensitive.
So I’m doing a certain amount of screaming. But she’s honestly not that old, for God’s sakes, and she’s not acting sick or in pain. She’s not even especially unhappy except when I’m trying to give her pills. But I can feel her damned ribs and her spine, and she’s eating when I manage to give her something she likes but she’s not really eating enough of anything, and the vet thinks we should get her a liver biopsy, which I admit seems like a horrible thing to do to her, but I’m not really interested in watching her starve to death either, or putting her down before we establish that there really is something wrong with her. I can’t even imagine just letting her die if all this is is that I can’t pick out food she wants or if a whole appetite stimulant pill as opposed to a half one will help. (Really, she wouldn’t even notice the difference, she hates me over a half pill, she’d be just as happy to hate me over a whole one.)
So, fuck the woman, she’s going back to the vet tomorrow, and we’re going to get a referral to the cat clinic. The vet actually does like her, and I sincerely doubt they get any financial incentives from sending us to another, more specialized vet, so if he thinks this is a good idea, I’m inclined to trust him.
But I still don’t want her being miserable, and I hate having to decide this. She deserves way better than she’s getting out of us.
So right now I can’t even look at your babies without crying. Hell, right now I probably couldn’t look at the famous Sadly, No! attack kitties without crying.
But they’re beautiful, and thank you for sharing them with us.

Left by D. Sidhe on July 27th, 2007

Also, I’m sorry for dumping all of that on you guys. Don’t feel like you have to respond to any of it, I just needed to say it to people who don’t know my cat and probably won’t be upset by my saying it.

Left by D. Sidhe on July 27th, 2007

My Black was 13 years old and had Feline Aids. He escaped one night and landed in the Kitty Klink; came down with Kennel cough as a result, and was sooo sick. I fed him with a syringe, spent $1000 at the vet, and then found his kidneys were shot. So for 2 years I gave him saline water under the skin every other day, every day in hot weather. He was fat, sleek and happy till the end. After he died I told myself it was for the best he went quickly and all that. But my husband told me I was crying in my sleep, sobbing “I’ve lost my kitty!”. Five years later I still tear up remembering my dear Black Cat. So keep your kitty with you as long as she is happy, don’t let others tell you what is kind!

Left by Kathy on July 27th, 2007

What Kathy said, D.
(sending healthy kitty vibes to you!)

Left by maryc on July 27th, 2007

WHAM!!
Oh, fuck, D.–I’m so sorry!
It’s really, really upsetting when a beloved pet is undergoing a significant degeneration in its health. My current labrador is in very good health, and probably has something like a decade ahead of him, but the previous one went slowly and horribly. It was so emotionally draining that my dad wasn’t open to getting a new dog for over 3 1/2 years–and we’d always gotten a new dog fairly soon after the previous one died, but he’d been particularly attached to the previous dog, so it was like losing a part of himself. Plus, dad was home alone with the dog when the heartwrenching decision had to be made–I was in Washington, D.C. for an extended visit with my then-boyfriend. I wanted to go home to say goodbye, but he was really suffering at that point, and delaying his being put to sleep would have been cruel.
There’s no need to rush to euthanize. But, if and when the time comes, it’s a mercy. You’ll know when that is.
Uh oh. Here’s somebody looking for some breakfast!

Left by Marq on July 28th, 2007

I’ve got a migraine right now you could grind wheat on, but I wanted to say thanks.
I worry about whether the point comes that the vet just thinks it’s too much trouble to keep her alive even if she’s not unhappy, and she’s not. She still curls up with me and purrs, she still enjoys the catnip. She just isn’t that interested in eating anymore.
I assume that it’s not common practice to put cats to sleep just because they’re hard to feed, but I honestly don’t know. Like I said, my vet likes her, despite the fact that she is not a friendly cat. I’m not sure I will know when the time comes, but it’s easier if I can trust that the vet will.
Anyway, we got a referral to the specialist cat clinic, and she’s not lost more weight in the last week, though the vet says he doesn’t want to increase the appetite stimulant because it will probably just sedate her, and obviously she’s not going to eat while she’s asleep.
We took the other cat in for her distemper and her checkup, and he says she’s lost a pound and a half in the last six months too, she’s actually at fifteen, and we’re pretty good with that, though he’d like to see her lose another three to five, which should be fun with me leaving Meow Mix out for the other one.
I might have to build a little box with a hole just big enough for Cypress to get in and put her food in there.

Left by D. Sidhe on July 28th, 2007

D., dear heart, you have all of my love and sympathy in Cypress’s time of need. Don’t let any asshole tell you what YOU know needs to be done, when and if, and that you shouldn’t do everything possible to save your baby.
Couple months ago, a moron here at L’Hotel du Fucktards killed Smudge, the first feral kitten that I ever trapped & neutered, and the one that I had to nurse back to health after he got an infection. He was my baby — still came to me every time that I called him, let me pick him up and pet him when I brought the precious kitty grub, etc.
Then last week, THIS SAME FUCKING MORON (engine block death, allegedly, like Smudge’s allegedly was) killed his sister, the badass and supremely dangerous Tommie Two-Toes (she had a brown spot over two of her toes, with white mittens on all four feet), but at least THIS TIME, the LandSkanky called me and TOLD ME ABOUT IT, and let me bury Tommie myself, instead of keeping it from me for FIVE FUCKING DAYS and throwing the body into the dumpster like they did Smudge.
Then my friend Kathy did the most thoughtful thing for me — she made a watercolor print of one of my favorite photos of the two of them, and printed it on canvas and framed it for me. I still can’t look at it without tears in my eyes, but it was one of the most thoughtful things that anyone’s done for me in a long time.
So you hang onto Cypress as long as you can, darlin’ heart. And anybody who wants to fuck with that, send those morons to ME. See how easy for them to tell ME to kill a cat that I love. I’ll be waiting with my tire-tool and baseball bat. You fight for that cat, because Cypress is every bit as much your family as any biped will ever be.
And Scott, I love the hell out of your cats — you can just see the personality that emanates from those spoiled-rotten chirren. Do they even know how good that they’ve got it?

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on July 29th, 2007

I’m so very sorry that you’re going through this with Cypress. I lost my Faridah Peeples a year ago, and it was a long slow process as she got ill and then worse. Her doctor, who had known her for nearly 17 years, said I should enjoy her as much as I could and she would let me know when she was ready to go. And she did. I send good thoughts to you both.

Left by thepoliticalcat on July 30th, 2007

I really appreciate this. Not just letting me vent, which I can’t really do in front of my partner who also loves Cypress, but you guys are also, oddly, giving me some hope.
Cypress has an appointment at the specialist cat clinic next week, they’re calling for her files and will talk to her vet to see what he thinks might be the next step. I described what was going on, and they pretty much didn’t see anything that seemed like a serious problem (She’s an older cat who’s not eating much in the summer and weighs ten pounds, which they seem to feel is not a bad weight for a cat, and the only blood test result that looks at all funny is slightly elevated liver enzymes. They pretty much have me pegged as a paranoid type.), but they’ll see what they can find anyway.
Meanwhile, we’re finding foods she’s actually happy to eat, although Dick Van Patten is a freak who puts whole peas in the salmon chowder. What the hell?
Annti, no details because I can’t really stand to think about it, but you have my sympathies, even if I haven’t been able to think of anything useful to say about it.

Left by D. Sidhe on July 30th, 2007

Thank you, baby. I know what you mean.
If I had your e-mail, once this whole Cypress thing is healed and she is well on her way to returning to her sleek, spoiled-rotten, sapphic simpatico with the universe, I’d tell you about something even worse than what they did to my babies, and how it resulted in another tiny death, and me stranded with EIGHT FUCKING CATS to get homes for, or to find a safe barn to let them hunt barn-rats around.
“People” suck. Animals rule. That’s my whole approach to the planet.

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on August 1st, 2007

You do have my email, Annti. I’m the dsidhe in your mass mailing list. Also, my email is on my blog’s profile page and, uh, on all of my other webpages too. Even the ones I’m officially pretending aren’t mine but which are pretty obvious to anyone who knows me.
Don’t tell me anything horrible for a while, though, okay? I’m still trying to cope with Cypress, the housemate, and the goddamned zombies, which are really starting to get to me. You know, it’s been, um, days since I’ve slept…

Left by D. Sidhe on August 1st, 2007

I know, I know, I was trying to spare you the horror stories, y’know?
Like I said, once Cypress pulls through — and you can read it out-loud to the zombies and skeer those mofos off ONCE AND FOR ALL!!!!!!
XOXOXO

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on August 1st, 2007

I know. But you’d be surprised how many people have felt this is the perfect time to tell me shit because, hey, I’m already miserable! It’s the same logic that makes people make popcorn when I have a migraine.

Left by D. Sidhe on August 2nd, 2007

You May Kiss The Homophobe

2011-11-20T19:47:00.000-08:00

Longtime Wo’C companion Bill S. was crazy enough to read World Net Daily’s take on I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, and kind enough to send us his considered, and considerably snarky, thoughts. Take it away, Bill!
The recent Adam Sandler-Kevin James comedy I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry opened last weekend, finishing #1 at the box office. I haven’t seen it, but judging from the trailer, it appeares to be an innocuous, if stupid movie that combines two very old plot devices: the Marriage of Convenience (which I can trace as far back as 1936′s Libeled Lady, but it might be older) and the Straight Guy Pretending To Be Gay (which goes at least as far back as 1959′s Pillow Talk. The irony is not lost on me). It doesn’t look teribly promising, but I have a friend who’s a Sandler fan so I might end up seeing it (I survived Wild Hogs, so don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll survive this). There’s a good reason to go see it-according to Dr. Ted Beahr of WorldNutDaily, it’s (clutch your pearls, folks) “1 of the most anti-Christian films of the year”
“I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry” stars Adam Sandler, Kevin James and Jessica Biel in one of the most blatant politically correct, anti-Christian movies of the year. Well, considering the negative stereotyping of Asian Americans, I don’t know how blatantly P.C. it is. Promoting itself as a comedy about two straight fireman who get married in order to receive better pension benefits, the movie is nothing more than anti-Christian, pro-homosexual propaganda that attacks the traditional, Judeo-Christian moral values of American Culture. Which I’m guessing include denying gay couples pension benefits. Chuck (Adam Sandler) and Larry (Kevin James) are two New York firemen who have been friends forever. When Larry saves Chuck’s life, Chuck says he is indebted to Larry and will do anything for him. Wow, what an affront to traditionial values! Larry, a widower, has two children of which he is the sole provider. Because of a flaw in the system, if something were to happen to Larry, his children would not receive any of his pension benefits. Only Larry’s “spouse” may receive the benfits. Can somebody please tell me why wingnuts are so free with the scare quotes? So, after seeing a newspaper article about same-sex marriages and pension benefits, Laary asks Chuck, who has a well-known reputation as a ladies man, to marry him. Their arrangement is nothing more than a ruse at first-that is, of course, until the fraud department decides to look into their domestic partnership. And then it stops being a ruse and they fall in love, like the couple in Green Card. Oh, wait… Chuck and Larry rush off to Canada to get married so that their partnership looks legitamite, and Chuck moves in with Larry and his kids. Soon,the two hire themselves a lawyer, Alex McDonough (Jessica Biel)
From the looks of her, she graduated from the David E. Kelly Sexy Attorney school. This, of course, proves to be the biggest test of their “marriage” because Chuck is attracted to Alex. As reports of their “marriage” surface, Chuck and Larry find themselves at the center of a whirlwind of public opinion. Who’s the “top” and who’s the “bottom”? After seeing Bulletproof, I think I can guess. On one hand, they are the objects of sexual ridicule from their fellow firemen. Representing tradition American morality. On the other hand, they are the heroes of the homosexual “community”. Representing what causes Ted’s boxers to bunch into a gigatic wad. And again with the superfluous scare quotes. There are moments in the first half of the movie that provide some laugh-out-loud physical comedy and some funny situations. Now I HAVE to see this movie-just to find out what Dr. Teddy thinks is “laugh-out-loud funny”. With that said, “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry” is not a comedy. It’s a bleak meditation of the soul, reminiscent of Bergman. Sandahl Bergman. There are several sequences throughout the movie when no one in the audience was laughing for several minutes at a time. The movie quickly moves away from anything resembling entertainment and turns into a boring, perverted, anti-Christian political platform for homosexual activist. Maybe they’d be laughing harder if they were seated close enough to Baehr to watch his foaming-at-the-mouth reaction to the goings-on. The content of this movie is abhorrent. That’s a strong statement coming from a writer for WorldNetDaily. Apart from the homosexual subject matter, the other strong sexual content is out of control. Keep in mind, this guy considers a mere REFERENCE to homosexuals to be “strong sexual content”. Sandler’s character, Chuck, is a womanizing sexual deviant. From implied group sex with five women who appear from his room… I wonder if Adam Sandler had a hand in writing the screenplay? …to receiving mail that includes pornography magazines as well as sexual toys, Chuck is clearly a pervert. Because any straight guy who sleeps with women and likes looking at sexy pictures of them is obviously perverted. Also, in one scene, Larry tries to get effeminate young son to become interested in the nude photos in Chuck’s porn magazines, and the son runs away. Which means the kid is clearly NOT a pervert. Good! Oh, wait, that implies he’s gay. The only Non-perverts are heterosexual men who have zero interest in looking at women. The excessive homosexual content is just more is just more psychological conditioning from the neo-Marxist, anti-Christian politically correct philosophers of our day… UM…”neo-Marxist”? I’m sorry. I just…WHAT. THE. FUCK. DOES. THAT. MEAN? (I wish I had a more clever response to that but…seriously, WTF?) Some of these opinion leaders even support lenient prison sentences for pedophiles who abuse children Wow, that’s one shocking indictment he’s pulled out of his ass. (unless, of course, the pedophile happens to be a Christian leader or white male clergyman) Who, I take it, Baehr thinks should be the ones to get leniency. Who exactly are these “opinion leaders” who say this? Do they hang out with those people Mike Adams writes about? If he can find one real “opinion leader”(whatever that is) who made that statement, I’ll watch Billy Madison 10 times in a rown. If he can find two or more, I’ll thow in 10 viewings of The Waterboy. From multiple manly New York firemen who “come out of the closet”… An unexpected twist in a movie whose plot centers around the premise that there are gay firemen. …to a young boy who is incredibly effeminate and would rather tap dance and be in musicals than play baseball… Sounds like the nephew in Ugly Betty. I love that show! …to making Christians look like stereotypical bigots who use hate speech… An image Ted Baehr’s certainly doing his best to dispel in this review. “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry” is aimed not at entertainment, but rather at the philosophical destruction of every virtue and the promotion of every vice. Tap-dancing children are destroying America! John Adams, the second president of the United States… Has as much to do with a silly Adam Sandler comedy as John Wayne had to do with Brokeback Mountain. As long as we’re polling dead people for their opinion of current movies, can we maybe ask Gene Siskel or Joel Siegal? In my latest book, “The Culture-Wise Family”… Available where fine books are sold. Buy one of those instead. Of course, the answer to the humanist worldview and pagan immorality of movies like this is the Gospel of Jesus Christ.The Gospel of Jesus Christ preaches the kind of love that does not delight in evils like sexual promiscuity, adultry, greed, envy and murder. The kind of love that equates homosexuality with murder. That’s quite a selling point. MOVIEGUIDE is dedicated to redeeming values of Hollywood by informing parents about today’s movies and entertainment by showing media executives and artists that family-friendly and even Christian-friendly movies do best at the box office year in and year out. Which explains why I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry opened at #1.

Posted by scott on Thursday, July 26th, 2007 at 9:43 pm.

54 Responses to “You May Kiss The Homophobe”

OMG, I know of this guy! A local alternative weekly interviewed him and his ‘Golden Rotten Banana’ or something awards. Apparently, Jesus Camp made unfair comparisons of fundamentalist Christian sleepover camps to kid-recruiting ‘Islamo-fascists’ (despite someone running one of the camps saying she wanted to do something similar to those creeps) and Will Ferrell insults red state values.
He fumed that no one would ever make a movie like that about Muslim race car drivers, who happen to be rich and powerful, donchaknow. This made me think two things: some folks are just sticking stereotypes they are not allowed to say about Jewish people on any old group, and Omani Nights: The Legend of Mustafa Bin Wadi will be my shot at ‘feel-good movie of the summer’.

Left by a clockwork grapefruit on July 26th, 2007

the Straight Guy Pretending To Be Gay (which goes at least as far back as 1959’s Pillow Talk
and back past that to Bringing Up Baby (1938).

Left by julia on July 26th, 2007

Oh yeah-I forgot that one:
“Because I just went GAY all of a sudden!”
Thanks, julia.

Left by Bill S on July 26th, 2007

PC Anti-Christian? WTF is that?
They’re so worried about what people do or shouldn’t do with their genitals here’s my PC wayt to refer of Anti-Christians: “Evangenitals”.
Notice I added the quotation marks!
Is that PC enough?

Left by pessullivan on July 26th, 2007

“There are several sequences throughout the movie when no one in the audience was laughing for several minutes at a time.”
What? People weren’t laughing during an ADAM SANDLER movie?! THAT CAN’T BE POSSIBLE!

Left by Bill the Splut on July 26th, 2007

DID Jesus say anything about gays at all? Other than turning the other cheek I mean.

Left by Kathy on July 26th, 2007

“From multiple manly New York firemen who “come out of the closet”…”
“…to a young boy who is incredibly effeminate and would rather tap dance and be in musicals than play baseball…
…to making Christians look like stereotypical bigots who use hate speech…”
Never never! My eyes! My ears! How can they?! Portray manly men as gay — or even potentially gay and femmy boys and bigot Christians. Where do those screenwriters get this stuff? From Mars surely.
And Kathy, are you saying Jesus was gay, turning his cheeks to the boys? I surely wish more at the WingNut Daily would follow Jesus’ example for cryin’ out loud.

Left by kate on July 27th, 2007

Wow, awesome takedown Bill! My favorite line:
It’s a bleak meditation of the soul, reminiscent of Bergman. Sandahl Bergman.
I laughed out loud at that one. Then I looked up who Sandahl Bergman is and laughed again.

Left by Mark S. on July 27th, 2007

I thought the movie (which I haven’t seen yet) was really about the inequities of inheritance laws and the holes in the social welfare safety net.

Left by Bullwinkle on July 27th, 2007

I thought the movie (which I haven’t seen yet) was really about the inequities of inheritance laws, the holes in the social welfare safety net, and the desperate steps people need to care for their children. I know of elderly couples who are living together IN SIN (according to their deeply held religious beliefs), but won’t get married because their social security benefits would be reduced.

Left by Bullwinkle on July 27th, 2007

Owww, oww, owwww. Jesus, my head hurts.
I’ll say it again: Blaming this kind of crap on the gays is like blaming Amos and Andy on the blacks, or blaming Emeril on the lobsters.
Is there anything more cravenly homophobic than “See, queers don’t need extra legal privileges, they’ve already got it so good straights are pretending to be them to get in on the perks!”
This season’s “Disclosure”. And, my prediction, equally funny.

Left by D. Sidhe on July 27th, 2007

If you need more Ted Baehr in your life, you can go to his website where he’ll try to convince you to pony up $40 to see his archives. You can look at his recent reviews for free, and learn that Harry Potter is satanic:
occult context with no God-centered theology, plus some anthropocentric, neo-Pelagian, false religious talk about choosing the good within you with no appeal to God or Jesus Christ, who is the only Way, Truth and Life blah, blah, blah
Ugh, I realize fundies are stupid, but do they have to be this fucking stupid? I mean, can they ever turn off their inner Ned Flanders for two seconds? Do they watch Star Trek and wonder if all Vulcans go to hell because they do not accept an earthling carpenter as their personal savior? I’d hate to read Ted’s review of Star Wars. He’d probably say that Luke’s trust in the Force is neo-paganistic, “with no appeal to God or Jesus Christ, who is the only Way, Truth and Life.” He’d probably end his review the same way he ended his Harry Potter one: “But, there is a Force above all Forces who can solve this problems and banish the Dark Side. And, that Force is Jesus Christ. May the Christ be with you.”

Left by Mark S. on July 27th, 2007

Frankly, I’m disappointed. I was sure Medved was going to be the one to lead this crusade. Now that guy can do homophobic rants and moronic, nonsensical film analysis
like nobodies business. This Dr. Ted Beahr character is a real boor. He just can’t compare.

Left by Gundamhead on July 27th, 2007

Michael Medved was unavailable, as he was at the special salon he goes to for moustache mainenance. Each grey hair is hand-plucked with a specially designed set of tweezers used for particularly stubborn hairs that take root so far they’re attached his brain. It can take a few days to recuperate.
I wonder what Ted Baehr thought of “Little Nicky.”
On second thought, I don’t.

Left by Bill S on July 27th, 2007

The “Marriage of Convenience” plot device does go back much further. I’ve seen it in a Harold Lloyd short (Spooked Spooks or some such) from about 1921 or so, and I’m certain it was used beforehand as well. The Lloyd film was based on the old-even-then premise of “young person has to get married by a certain date to get inheritance”.
And WTF is indeed a perfect reaction to his “Neo Marxist” comment? Gay Marriage is a plot to redistribute wealth through wedding presents or something??

Left by Woodrowfan on July 27th, 2007

You missed a few snarks —
“The Gospel of Jesus Christ preaches the kind of love that does not delight in evils like sexual promiscuity, adultery, greed, envy and murder.” [Which is why it has no place in a Christian nation like America!]
‘“I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry” is aimed not at entertainment, but rather at the philosophical destruction of every virtue and the promotion of every vice.’ [Aquinas, put down that flamethrower !]

Left by H-Bob on July 27th, 2007

Re “Neo-Marxists”: Believe it or not, there actually is a political movement called neo-Marxism. As memory serves, they believe that Marx was wrong about everything and that communism can never work. Which makes them Marxists how, exactly? I was never really sure on that point.
The philosophy is basically socialism lite. Not exactly the hardcore Commie platform that Beahr was envisioning. My guess is that he figured that since the prefix “neo-” is often used to indicate something bad (neoconservative), then adding it to Marxism (which is bad to begin with) makes it worse. After all, we’ve got neo-Nazis, why not neo-Commies?

Left by Drew Johnston on July 27th, 2007

Well, I haven’t seen this little gem either, but judging by this review on AICN, I’m betting that it’s hardly “innocuous.” Money quote from Massawyrm’s review:

It’s not the sheer obviousness of the agenda that’s offensive. It is its seeming lack of sincerity about it. It’s an incredibly shallow and pathetic attempt that feels more like Dude, this may be our last chance to make gay jokes …like ever. So we’ve gotta use them all. Every last one. And the result is some nuclear option gay joke extravaganza that feels obligated to utter the phrase Not that there’s anything wrong with that after every single one-liner.

In other words, it’s faux gay agenda. Yecch. No thanx. Not, of course, that I was longing for a “hot” sex scene between Adam Sandler and Kevin James, though this would help me prove that there is no God.

Left by Marq on July 27th, 2007

“It’s a bleak meditation of the soul, reminiscent of Bergman. Sandahl Bergman.”
That is some smooth snark. That’s like Billy Dee Williams snark. Thanks for this article, sir, you should be a weekly contributor on WoC!

Left by Toyboat on July 27th, 2007

That’s pretty much what I expected, Marq. And, glad you’re home. I know some of those doctors are freaking adorable and all, but try to stay out of the hospital for a while, okay? I’ll come over there and make Jell-O for you if it’ll help.

Left by D. Sidhe on July 27th, 2007

Not, of course, that I was longing for a “hot” sex scene between Adam Sandler and Kevin James, though this would help me prove that there is no God.
Left by Marq on July 27th, 2007
That’s beautiful, Marq. I laughed/snorted and now I can breathe again, and the way my allergies are right now, this is akin to a miracle. Thanks!

Left by Candy on July 27th, 2007

I’ll bet the Sandahl Bergman Wikipedia page got a whole lot of hits today.

Left by pc loadletter on July 27th, 2007

“Larry, a widower, has two children of which he is the sole provider.”
Uhhh… Provider to whom? Is this a synonym for procurer?
Sounds pretty bad to me. Dunno why you’re being mean to someone who objects to a movie like that.
Oh, I get it. It’s the pronoun. Chosen by reviewer, not the movie. I agree, there’s pretty much nothing you wouldn’t expect of somebody who sees children as things.

Left by Porlock Junior on July 28th, 2007

Good catch, Porlock-I don’t know how I missed that.

Left by Bill S on July 28th, 2007

Well, Sidhe, there was this one doc in teh ER, facing away from me doing computer work, whose scrubs were unusually form-fitting, and who had the most amazing, swirly ass.
[eyes bottle of sleeping pills....]

Left by Marq on July 28th, 2007

I’ll bet the Sandahl Bergman Wikipedia page got a whole lot of hits today.
Well some of us are less iggerunt as a result.
I also looked up teddy bear – beg pardon, Ted Baerh – and found this in the Wiki article:
A March 2004 article by Marshall Allen in Christianity Today claimed that Baehr’s public relations company, “Kairos Marketing”, accepted payment for consulting and promotional activities on behalf of six movies that were positively reviewed in Movieguide. Though Kairos is not officially part of Good News Communications, the non-profit that supports the CFTVC and publishes Movieguide, Kairos does donate to Good News Communications. The article quotes David Gushee, an ethicist at Union University in Tennessee as saying that accepting money to promote movies and publishing reviews of those movies in a magazine that “presents itself as a Hollywood watchdog,” is a conflict of interest.
[...]
Further rebuttal from CFTVC advisory board member Jane Chastain in World Net Daily countered that the Christianity Today article was a slanderous “hatchet job,” noting that the Protestant Film Office, the ideological predecessor to Beahr’s organizations, was routinely paid for consultations by Hollywood Studios that needed its stamp of approval.
Oh, that’s okay then – it’s not corruption if you could get away with it once upon a time.

Left by Mentis Fugit on July 28th, 2007

I agree to the point that Adam Sandler is an abomination

Left by sjk on July 28th, 2007

As the boyfriend of a gay (upstate) New York fireman, may I just say that I have no plans to see this movie. It’s a movie with Adam Sandler in it, so I’ve already seen it several times before.

Left by Simba B. on July 29th, 2007

“I’ll say it again: Blaming this kind of crap on the gays is like blaming Amos and Andy on the blacks, or blaming Emeril on the lobsters.
Is there anything more cravenly homophobic than ‘See, queers don’t need extra legal privileges, they’ve already got it so good straights are pretending to be them to get in on the perks!’”
D. Sidhe and her zombies have been reading my mind again. There’s got to be a way to configure my tinfoil hat to keep them outta there, dammit!!!
The first thing that I thought, upon seeing the first mega-promotion using-bumpers-of-Sandler-And-Closet-Queen-James to introduce shows on NBC, when I saw the first clips of that nightmare of a “movie” — “FLAMING FUCKING HOMOPHOBIC HYPOCRITIC MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!!”
First of all Adam Sandler is SO fucking insecure, the only “emotion” that he can “play” when “acting” (cough!-HACK!-cough!) is UNBRIDLED RAGE, and his sensitivity over his “sexual prowess” is so pronounced, he should have his forehead tattooed with the phrase, “I HAVEA TEENY TINKY-WINKY AND I WANT YOU TO LOVE IT!!!”
Secondly, if Kevin James isn’t as queer as a three dollar bill, then I’m an anorexic, 100% hetero, 200-IQ astronaut supermodel ballerina with 100,000 shares of AT&T. PRE-Ma-Bell Split/Reconcilliation.
So let’s look at the irony/hypocrisy/projectile-vomit-inducing-homophobic-overcompensation here, please.
At least Cary Grant was capable of ACTING like a 100% hetero on FILM, dammit. Acting, PERIOD. While Rock Hudson never had his skills onscreen, he at LEAST carried on the myth in the publicity stills and interviews.
Where has all of the artfulness of film gone?
When I saw this clusterfuck hit the widespread commercial rotation, all that it screamed to me was, “THE HOMOPHOBIC HATERS OF WHITE-BREAD MIDDLE-AMERICA ARE GONNA FUCKING LOOOOOOOOVE THIS CLICHE’ HOMOPHOBIC SCHLOCK HORSESHIT EXCUSE FOR A ‘MOVIE’!!!!!!!!”
And judging from the box office returns thus far, I was, as usual, right. They didn’t make this shit to appeal to gay couples, they sure as hell didn’t make this shit to perform the legendary (BUT STILL AS FAKE AS THOSE BILL GATES WILL DONATE A DOLLAR FOR EVERY TIME THAT YOU FORWARD THIS E-MAIL SPAMS) teh gay function of “RECRUITING,” and they sure as FUCK didn’t make this piece of shit to appeal to WOMEN. Except maybe for the world’s most confused potential fag-hags who haven’t escaped suburbia yet.
Bill, I’m quite proud of your scathing and witty take-down of this piece of shit AND the movie he blathered (and mutilated the English language) about. A little more venom next time, please. I know that you were holding back on this one, trying to stay above the fray, being all arty-intellectual about it, but next time, honey, just for me, would you really RIP THESE FLAMING FUCKING MORONS A NEW ASSHOLE FOR ME?!?!??!? I’ll even ship you my four-way drop-forged tire-tool to you, if you’ll give it the good ol’ college try.
Good stuff. More bloodshed next time, please. That is all.
And Mentis, m’dear, EXCELLENT catch on the payola scumsuckers. Seems like an excellent start on a lovely expose’ on the “christian-approval indulgence-selling” market, dontcha think? (hint-hint-work-on-this-for-the-blog-or-I’ll-teach-yer-cat-to-aim-for-the-nads-under-the-blankie)

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on July 29th, 2007

You know, Annti, I kinda want to see what kind of kid you and Lewis Black would produce. I suspect we’d all be sucked into the black hole of furiously profane snark if you two ever shook hands, though.

Left by D. Sidhe on July 29th, 2007

I wasn’t holding. It’s just that bad movies and hack comedians don’t bother me that much. As I said, I’ll probably end up seeing it because a friend of mine wants to. I’m not inclined to mock friends for their cheezeball tastes since I could just as easily be mocked for mine. (I actually LIKED “Pillow Talk”. Any movie with Thelma Ritter can’t be all bad.) Giving this film credit for some kind of agenda is ludicrous-nobody involved in it is bright enough, or ambitious enough, to have an agenda of ANY kind.
Which was kinda my point in making fun of Ted Baehr. This guy is actually fuming with moral outrage and indignation over a FUCKING ADAM SANDLER movie. I mean, sheesh! Who does that? Only an unstable head case would get worked up into an over-the-top rant about something so mediocre and triv…
Um, yeah, that’s it exactly, I was just, um, holding back. That’s all.
[tiptoes cautiously away...]

Left by Bill S on July 29th, 2007

Oh, it’s clearly not a deliberate homophobic agenda. I’m sure most everyone involved knows gay people they like. It’s just an unexamined personality flaw. I’m sure Carlos Mencia thinks he likes a broad assortment of people he routinely perpetuates stereotypes about, too. Most homophobia, like most sexism, seems to be subconscious.

Left by D. Sidhe on July 29th, 2007

Exactly, D. Of course, there’s exactly ZERO motivation for me to PAY to be insulted for 90 minutes. Hell, I can get that for free–and with a bonus severe beating, as well. The damned trailer for this was a plenty big enough insult for me! And I’m not even saying that humorists need to be all PC wlking-on-eggshells over gay issues or anything. I still laugh at Monty Python gags that could be construed as very anti-gay. But there are a couple of significant differences. They were friends of their collegue Graham “Bisexual” Chapman, and the times were much, much more homophobic in general. I think it’s really kind of a big waste of time to get all pissy over some slight that wasn’t recognized as one at the time. 20/20 hindsight is easy.

Left by Marq on July 30th, 2007

When it comes to bad movies, sometimes I’ll find myself re-writing the script in my head, imagining much better it’d be if I’d have written it.

Left by Bill S on July 30th, 2007

Oh, and I was gonna let this go, ’cause, really, I don’t wanna know…Kevin James is gay? Really? I have never, ever imagined that at all. (But then again…why would I want to?) But I don’t have the most reliable “gaydar” in the world. (How reliable is YOURS?)I actually thought the friend I alluded to earlier might be gay, until I met his girlfriend. No couple that argues that much in front of people could possibly be faking it.

Left by Bill S on July 30th, 2007

Ooh…(removes foot from mouth)
That thing I said-”How reliable is YOURS?” was a low blow (no pun intended). I completely forgot about your own, um, history in that regard. I’m sorry about that. I feel like such an ass now.

Left by Bill S on July 30th, 2007

“The excessive homosexual content is just more is just more psychological conditioning from the neo-Marxist, anti-Christian politically correct philosophers of our day…”
So philosophers are making movies now? Awesome. “From the makers of ‘Lectures on the History of Moral Philosophy’ and ‘An Introduction to Philosophical Logic’, Universal Pictures presents: ‘Bad Boys 3′”.

Left by Ginger Yellow on July 30th, 2007

Yes, Bill, you are an ass.

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on July 30th, 2007

You don’t know the half of it. I gave bunch of people I work with the link to this site when scott put this little essay of mine up. Two of them weren’t at at work today, but the one who had trouble differentiating between the instances where I was quoting Ted Baehr, and the instances where I was mocking him. Which means either his reading comprehension skills are bad, or I’m one shitty writer. In any case, I had to convince him I wasn’t some psycho-religeous nut with a multiple personality disorder.
And tomorrow, I’m gonna have to do that with two more people, assuming they don’t flee away from me as soon as they see me.
And, I really am sorry for saying something so thoughtlessly stupid. I haven’t been able to think of anything else since I posted that comment this morning. I haven’t felt this awful since I stood behind somebody, whispering impatiently under my breath, “C’mon, move faster dammit, you’re holding up the..” and THEN noticed the OXYGEN TANK she was carrying.
Yes, I am an ass. (But not all the time, I hope. And not more frequently than anybody else.)

Left by Bill S on July 30th, 2007

Oh, and, in Movie News That Sucks, Ingmar Bergman passed away today.
Also, today is the 60th birthday of Arnold Schwarznegger.

Left by Bill S on July 30th, 2007

I haven’t noticed your assishness lately, Bill, but I’m probably not the target audience for that sort of thing, so to speak.
And actually, my gaydar is appalling. I complimented a lovely woman in the market the other day, only to realize suddenly that she A) thought I was hitting on her (which I wasn’t necessarily) and B) assumed I was Satan for doing so. Good Lord, what a fuss.
Really, Bill, I’m less insulted by your arguing with me on the subject of becoming incensed over idiotic movies than I am by your dismissal of headcases. In fact, I believe I shall have to sulk. I will, however, vote for poor reading comprehension, because it seemed perfectly clear to me who was saying what, and I’m even a headcase.

Left by D. Sidhe on July 30th, 2007

D., sweetheart, Bill was referring, with the snappish gaydar rip, to the incessant and annoyingly recurring pattern of me winding-up with bisexual men who basically parasite off of women (whom they actually loathe and belittle for not having penises) whilst they sneak off to suck dick, etc.
I try very hard not to be a hypocrite, so I can’t, honestly, tell a bisexual guy that I “can’t” date him because he likes the occasional cock. Unfortunately, bisexual men, in my experiences, generally PREFER the cocks to the cunts, and I’m always the one who winds-up paying the price, in every single possible permutation of the concept.
Hence my year-long (thus far) permanently self-imposed spinsterhood. Keeps my life SO much simpler and I never have to sleep on the wet spot, nor do I have to FEED IT.
And Bill knows all of this, and for some reason, my encouragement of his essay/critique (whilst begging for more vehemence and bloodshed), instead of engendering glee and devilish entertainment in Bill’s head, incited a very mean back-handed bitch-slap in my face for having attempted to bolster his accomplishment with kudos.
THAT, m’dear, is the subtext, the supratext, and the guts of the whole matter, and that is why I agreed wholeheartedly with Bill’s describing of himself as an ass. It fit him to a tee at that particular juncture.

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on July 30th, 2007

All that remains is the question of how much groveling will be required on my part. Days, weeks, months, years?
Or would a “plaster cast” from Henry Rollins* be sufficient? Because I’m willing go that extra mile if need be.
*or another celeb of your choice.

Left by Bill S on July 31st, 2007

Rollins, eh? I dunno, he was hit-on by his mom’s many one-night stand douchebags when he was seven and eight years old, so he’s really sensitive about people who want to get near the “danger zone” unless it’s some big-titted H’wood-type chick. Not that I’m not touched & honored by the proposal, but I don’t see it as being practical or really doable.
Now, CLOOOOOOOOOOOOONEYYYYYYYYY… I only hope that my bi-dar is going off prematurely on that one, ’cause I would dearly LOVE to have a Cynthia Plaster-Caster-quality copy of his Kentuckian love machine. Hell, even Craig Ferguson… Tall Scots do something for me, even if they ARE friends with that republicunt midget Drew Carey.
OOOH!!! Larry Fishbourne. Lou Reed. (not so tall, but what the hell, he put out for Cynthia, why wouldn’t he put out for me?!??!!?) Seal. (Put a ball-gag on Heidi while you’re at it.) My ex-Boy (THE Boy of the Rants, back in the day, not Dullard McDumbass, the freakazoid el penito that I evicted last year ’cause he wouldn’t take his fucking meds, but he WOULD steal my checks) would make a LOVELY model, and would brag about having done it.
And even though he’s a proud redneck republicunt, Trace Adkins, the only redneck motherfucker from Louisiana that I would EVER wanna CLIMB, that long-legged mofo him. DeNiro — not so tall, but DeNIRO!!! William Peterson from CSI. Adam Savage from “Mythbusters”. (He’s a goofy giggly geek and I love him.)
That gorgeous, lovely-voiced astronomist who hosts “NOVA Science Now” (he’s got three names, and none of them will come to mind now that the sleeping pills are kicking-in). Lenny Kravitz. Axl Rose. Every male on the cast of “WEEDS” (Showtime, which I miss SO fucking dearly!!!).I wish that Gregory Hines were still alive… *sigh* MIKHAIL BARISHNIKOV!!!!!! (It ain’t ALL “dance belt,” by damn!!!) Peter Weller. Michael Nesmith & Peter Tork. David Duchovny. Or even just a still photo of the Red Speedos, since I still have never seen that episode.
Gee, am I hormonal much today? What’s sick is, my HOMICIDAL HAMSTER got her first period today (at 2 years old) and she’s ON *MY* CYCLE!!!!! Small world. Even smaller apartment.
Grovelling, plaster-casting, gifts (see my blogger profile over to my blog) and cash will help.
But yeah, that was a low blow, Bill. I appreciate that you knew it as soon as you posted it, but I would never assail your inherent psyche or personality flaws/damage that would cause YOU to perpetually get set-up to be a PATSY and to be FUCKED-OVER COMPLETELY by EVERYBODY IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE (should that apply to you) that leads you to pieces of shit bisexual male whores like Dullard McDumbass, The Crack Whore Who Tried To Kill Me Whie I Was On The Phone With My Nannie And She Died Of Cancer 14 Months Later, and The Boy of those old days of yore, back when I had teeth and a life and a stage upon which to vent.
Granted, you don’t blather on about your personal problems or relationships (or lack thereof), so maybe my bald-open obnoxiously-honest scab-picking sore-peeling way of life is too much for you sometimes.
Adjust your tray table accordingly and prepare for takeoff.

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on August 1st, 2007

That would be Neil DeGrasse Tyson. My God, he’s a doll. Annti, you have stunning taste in men. Not so much DeNiro, mind you.
And I’m absolutely not getting between you and Bill, and my views on bisexual men shall go unexamined.

Left by D. Sidhe on August 1st, 2007

Yesss! Neil DeGrasse Tyson. No relation to MIKE Tyson, I trust? Nah, couldn’t be — Mike doesn’t have 2 brain cells to rub together. Nothing sexier than a brilliant man, is there? And a physicist… *sigh*
But no DeNiro? Woman, get hold of yerself!

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on August 1st, 2007

He must not be tall enough for her.
But I’m 5’4″, so everyone’s tall to me.

Left by Bill S on August 2nd, 2007

So I guess that she wouldn’t go for the Taxi Driver poster in my bedroom or the t-shirt with the same mohawk + guns pose on it… heh…

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on August 3rd, 2007

Hope’s dashed like shattered teenage dreams
Boys living next door are never what they seem
A walk in the park can become a bad dream
People are staring and following me
This is my only escape from it all
Watching a film or a face on the wall
Robert DeNiro’s waiting, talking Italian…(repeat 3x)
I don’t need a boy, I’ve got a man of steel
Don’t come any closer, I don’t wanna feel
You’re breathing, you’re touching, but nothing’s for free
I never want this to happen to me
Don’t try to change me, you’re wasting your time
Now I’ve got something much better in mind-
Robert DeNiro’s waiting, talking Italian…
[sorry, couldn't resist.]

Left by Bill S on August 3rd, 2007

Okay, now you are gonna have to enlighten me on this one, son…

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on August 4th, 2007

It’s just an pop song from the ’80′s by Bananarama (shut up, you like Axel Rose-a boy who looks like he hasn’t had a shower since 1987. Not the kind that involves soap and water in any case). I misquoted the first line-it’s actually “Hope’s dashed TO THE FLOOR like shattered teenage dreams.”
And you really can’t figure out what the lyrics-which could apply to my life (if not yours)actually mean? Think haaaard.
Oh, and watch this, it’s funny. (I promise I’m not pranking you.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S_xH7q-rNUY

Left by Bill S on August 4th, 2007

As I have been mentioned in this blog, I would enjoy the opportunity to respond.
I am Dr. Ted Baehr, founder of the Christian Film & Television Commission and of http://www.movieguide.org
To quote:
“Maybe they’d be laughing harder if they were seated close enough to Baehr to watch his foaming-at-the-mouth reaction to the goings-on.”
I was hardly foaming-at-the-mouth, to use your own words. Simply that I took serious offense to the anti-Biblical content of the movie, as any good Christian should.
“Because any straight guy who sleeps with women and likes looking at sexy pictures of them is obviously perverted.”
This is also true, according to the Bible.
“The excessive homosexual content is just more is just more psychological conditioning from the neo-Marxist, anti-Christian politically correct philosophers of our day…”
It is true. America is under attack from the pro-Communist, Socialist, crazy loony Left. It is only through the providence of Jesus Christ our Lord that President George W. Bush has managed to do such an excellent job of leading our great nation, with so much treachery afoot in America today.
“Some of these opinion leaders even support lenient prison sentences for pedophiles who abuse children”
As an evangelical Christian American, I’m not afraid to point a finger at Catholicism’s Papalcy in this regard.
“unless, of course, the pedophile happens to be a Christian leader or white male clergyman”
Oh, come now! That’s only about 85% of cases.
“…to making Christians look like stereotypical bigots who use hate speech…”
We aren’t. We don’t use hate speech; simply quotes from our Bible that promote the extermination of pagans, ‘homoes’, Communists, terrorists, Liberals, and all false religions.
“I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry” is aimed not at entertainment, but rather at the philosophical destruction of every virtue and the promotion of every vice.”
In fact, America SHOULD have a special police force which sees to the promotion of virtue, and the prevention of vice! We would be first in the world to do so, and it would work brilliantly.
“…John Wayne had to do with Brokeback Mountain.”
I will have you know that my father, the late great “Tex” Avery, would almost certainly have been given either (or both!) roles in “Brokeback Mountain” were he still alive today!
“In my latest book, “The Culture-Wise Family”…”
Please, buy my book. Every page has easy-to-read large-print words suitable for low-intelligence readers in the Southern United States, whom I call my “darlin’ demographic”.
“Of course, the answer to the humanist worldview and pagan immorality of movies like this is the Gospel of Jesus Christ.”
Absolutely! Only by following literally these doctored texts from thousands of years ago, can we make decisions better structured than any given to us by “Science”.
MOVIEGUIDE is dedicated to redeeming values of Hollywood by informing parents about today’s movies, and making huge amounts of money in the process. That’s what I’m in this for. Was it not obvious?

Left by Dr. Ted Baehr on May 5th, 2008

some genuinely superb info , Gladiola I observed this.

Left by Yoko Preiss on February 5th, 2011

The Hollywood Report With MaryC

2011-11-20T19:43:00.000-08:00

Dateline: Fairfax Avenue! Club: Largo! Why: Patton Oswalt and Friends! Who: John Hodgman!
How: First of all, unlike my close encounter with “Daily Show Funny Woman”, Samantha Bee, we didn’t actually meet “Daily Show Funny Guest John Hodgman”; we just happened to be standing behind him in line to get into the “Patton Oswalt and Friends” show last night. Just so you know.
Anyway, he looks exactly like he does on TV, although I don’t know if he sounds the same. As an added treat, who do you think walked into Largo after we were all seated and waiting for our various drinks and things to arrive, and sat at John Hodgman’s table? Justin Long! Yes, that’s right! It was PC and Mac, out together for a night of comedy and really long waits for dinner and drinks.
So. There you have it. If you come to Hollywood and want to see stars, don’t get a map, get yourself down to Largo on Fairfax Ave. on Mondays for Comedy Night!
And if you can’t go to Largo for possible John Hodgman spottings, you can always read his fabulously funny, Areas of My Expertise, or you can go to John Hodgman’s blog: good evening. While there, be sure to follow his link to Jane Epenson’s (former writer on Buffy: The Vampire Slayer and producer of the Sci-Fi series Battlestar Galatica) blog. Her newest post is about “punchline abuse”–the overused laugh lines sitcom writers beat to death like “That went well” and “Awk-ward!”

Posted by Maryc on Tuesday, July 24th, 2007 at 1:35 pm.

17 Responses to “The Hollywood Report With MaryC”

So when Hodgman ordered drinks, did he have to reboot while Long sat there sipping patiently?

Left by actor212 on July 24th, 2007

I think his official title is “The Daily Show’s Resident Expert”.

Left by catnmus on July 24th, 2007

Gosh, he’s cute. I have to say, I like the commercials, because I think they’re both dolls. Feel free to mock me.
Get the book on tape, if you can. (In addition to the hardcopy.) Jonathan Coulton does nice music for it.

Left by D. Sidhe on July 24th, 2007

I would never mock you for that, D. Sidhe. Unless you were writing slash fiction about them.

Left by Bill S on July 24th, 2007

No…. But mostly because I’ve had writer’s block for months, since the clusters got worse. Otherwise, you’d pretty much have no choice but to mock me.

Left by D. Sidhe on July 24th, 2007

(And, you know, it hurt me physically to have to admit that I have not done that.)

Left by D. Sidhe on July 24th, 2007

can’t you blame it on the zombies?

Left by preznit giv me turkee on July 24th, 2007

You know, I haven’t slashed the zombies either. I mean, eew. Even for me, eew.
Bigfeet, yes. Zombies, no. Was that not what you were getting at?

Left by D. Sidhe on July 25th, 2007

Well, Zombies might not be all that studly, but I wouldn’t kick them out of bed. There’s no accounting for personal tastes, I suppose.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HTQMkojCqAA
Or were you talking about the other kind of zombies?

Left by Bill S on July 25th, 2007

If mine looked like that, I wouldn’t be trying to turn them into Bigfeet.

Left by D. Sidhe on July 25th, 2007

Well, I’d do Justin Long, hoping that his name was eponymous. (slut schtick complete, he eases on down teh road)

Left by Marq on July 25th, 2007

Marq, I hear you about Justin Long. He’s just so adorable. I wanted to put him in my pocket and take him home.

Left by maryc on July 25th, 2007

He’s one or the other, Marq. Can’t be both.

Left by Goseph Gerbils on July 25th, 2007

That took me a few seconds to get, Goseph.
Marq should have said “surname”.
But I’ll add my name to those who find him cute.

Left by Bill S on July 26th, 2007

Surely the only appropriate YouTube zombies video in a thread with Jonathan Coulton is Re: Your Brains.
Anyway, Hodgman rocks. You can find a few of his Little Gray Books lectures on t’internet. They’re arguably even better than The Areas Of My Expertise.

Left by Ginger Yellow on July 26th, 2007

I gotta say, I prefer the WoW video to that.

Left by D. Sidhe on July 26th, 2007

Late to comment, but I was with the WO’Cers at this auspicious event, and I must report that exactly 3 days after standing behind Mr. PC in line, I came down with a virus. Not that I’m blaming anyone, it just seems a little… suspicious.
Love,
Apparently A Smug Mac Person

Left by elizabeth on July 29th, 2007

Dr. Mike Denounces His Imaginary Friends To The Inquisition

2011-11-20T19:41:00.000-08:00

When we last left Apollo and Hyacinthus (Once, in the heat of a summer afternoon, the lovers stripped naked, sleeked themselves with olive oil, and tried their hand at discus throw…)– oops, sorry, I mean Doug Giles and Professor Dr. Mike Adams, Pastor Doug had just delivered a sermon on squelching sassy secularists, which was either an attempt to set a Guiness Book record for alliteration, or simply a case of product placement, with Doug’s being the first Townhall column to be sponsored by the Letter “S.”
Meanwhile, Dr. Mike, though neither a clergyman nor theologian, has divined that fighting secularism is pointless, if the alternative is people wandering around worshipping God in their own idiosyncratic fashion, rather than receiving the Holy Spirit in the top-down, gravity-fed method favored by traditional faiths and enema nurses.

…or DO I?

Last summer, I was sitting by the pool with a friend I will call Scott.

I really wish you wouldn’t.

We were at a wedding in Dallas and were staying at the Crescent Hotel on the same floor with the Phoenix Suns. We spent most of our time at the pool, which had nothing to do with the fact that Steve Nash’s wife also spent most of her time there in a bikini.

Considering this is the gynophobic Dr. Mike reporting, that’s probably the only accurate statement in the piece. Unless she was flipping through a book of Tom of Finland etchings and he was in a good position to peek over her shoulder.

Fortunately, though, our conversation did eventually center on issues of personal morality and ethics.

I hear ya, man. Whenever I’ve hung out by the pool on a hot summer day with a bunch of other dudes, drinking beer and leering at chicks in skimpy swimwear, the cat-calls, wolf whistles, and raunchy boasts always turn to discussions of Thomas Aquinas. You can set your watch by it.

Scott told me he had raised his kids in the church and believed in God although he had not been to church regularly in a number of years.

Which means, of course, that he was LYING! Saying you believe in God but don’t attend church is like calling yourself a bodybuilder but never going to the gym!

He said he felt no guilt over his absence from church. After all, it was a weekend business that kept him from attending. And, besides that, he said he was leading a “moral life” without going to church.

Immediately, I asked myself the crucial question:

“Why is my life a hollow lie?”

“How does one know he lives a moral life if he does not ever attend church?”

Exactly! By the same reasoning, why should I trust your opinion that orangutans exist if you never go to the zoo?

I also thought about some other people I had known who thought their lives were moral either without church or without God altogether.

Or to be more precise, I also thought up some other fictional, morally inferior friends who would help me to make a point without having to get my brow sweaty with reasoning or my hands filthy with facts.

One was an atheist I dated in college when I was also an atheist.

Doug recanted and joined the church when he realized the Christian dudes were getting all the good Headship, while he was stuck with a pair of passive purple four-balls.

When asked about God she would frankly tell people “I don’t believe in all that s**t. But if there is a God, I will be saved because of my willingness to help others in need.” To her credit, she did help others in need. In fact, she gave her friend $400 when she became pregnant unexpectedly and “needed” an abortion.

Interestingly, my atheist girlfriend claimed to have been a victim of moral wrongdoing when her friend refused to pay her back after the abortion.

Well, abortion is a gateway drug, and as we all know, it’s just one small step from murdering your baby to defaulting on your credit card debt.

It would be years later – after I converted to Christianity – that I realized why her friend never paid her back. She was doing everything she could to forget about the abortion. And she resented my girlfriend for funding the biggest mistake of her life.

That’s why Ken Lay bitterly resented the Enron shareholders who gave him their money to steal.

From time to time, I also think of one of my former colleagues at UNC-Wilmington. Shortly after I overcame atheism and joined a church I asked her what her religious affiliation was.

“Because I don’t like to just come out and ask a woman what her cup size is. I like to break the ice with a little general chit-chat first before I hit her with a personal question.”

She said “I’m not anything.” She added that she lived her life according to the principle of helping others.
Like my former girlfriend, she was staunchly pro-choice. She was also a big advocate for gay rights. She was involved extensively in helping young people “come to terms” with their sexuality. She even believed that minors should be allowed to have sex changes if that is what they wanted.

She even thought that underaged gays who had abortions should be allowed to harvest the genitals of their dead fetuses for use in their own sex change surgery. And I am totally not making that up!

This notion of giving both emotional and monetary support to a neighbor only with regard to the recipient’s will is precisely why man needs church to lead a moral life.

‘Cause what happens you loan some chippie a double sawbuck to get her plumbing flushed and she don’t pay the vig? Well, the reverand, he’s gonna go down there and make her cough up for the collection plate, know what I’m sayin’?

I am tempted to ask some of these indiscriminant do-gooders

Nothing worse than a charity that refuses to discriminate.

…whether they would loan Charles Manson a knife under the principle of always helping a fellow human in need. But, instead, I will take a few moments to quote Jesus of Nazareth who said it best as recorded in the Gospel of Matthew

“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and Prophets.”

Two things are important, here. First, the commandment to love God comes before the commandment to love our neighbors.

“So even though I’m an asshole, I’m off on a technicality! YES!”

Second, the two great commandments are “like” one another but they are not one and the same.

I’m pretty sure that’s why they numbered them.

I am writing this column for Scott because I have just learned of his most recent attempt to help a fellow human being in need. Just a few years after he spent $30,000 on his daughter’s wedding, I am told he has written a check to her for about $3000. It seems his daughter has decided that she has become more “liberated” and “independent” and, thus, is in “need” of a divorce from her husband. And, of course, she “needed” a loan to pay the lawyer’s retainer.

Is it Godly and right to fund the wedding of two people in love? Is it also right to fund a divorce based solely on the personal needs of one party?

I don’t mind you loading the question, but I urge you to check the inspection certificate, because I’m pretty sure you’ve seriously exceeded the maximum load capacity.

I would argue that without reading the Word of God and attending church these questions cannot be seriously resolved.

Do you have to go to church in order to decide that this divorce (hell, any divorce) is the fault of the woman? Can’t we just take it for granted that whenever a marriage breaks up, it’s because the spoiled bitch got her ass all “liberated” and “independent?” I mean, we don’t need church for that, Dr. Mike, that’s what we’ve got you for.

I hope Scott will join me at Port City Church this Sunday in Wilmington. I also hope he knows I love him regardless of his decision.

…to squirt charcoal lighter fluid all over his daughter’s bra and throw it on the barbecue. Some day he’ll realize that the love between a father and his child is fine, but it’s nothing compared to the love between Dr. Mike and his sock puppets, because the latter has that soupçon of Old Testament-style wrath that keeps the fictional chicks on their toes.

Finally, I hope every churchgoer will join me in asking five friends to church this Sunday. We all need to take the time to reach out to others and help them walk with God.

Personally, I not only have a hard time believing that Dr. Mike walks with God, I suspect that if God sees him first, He crosses the street.

Life is full of uncertainty but without God two things really are certain: We will make a mess of our lives, and we will help others do the same.

And this is the one area in which Dr. Mike’s help could be described as indiscriminate. So only hang out with imaginary people; that way, when you screw up their lives, or expose their private matters in print, they won’t be able to sue you. Now if you’ll pardon Dr. Mike, he’s got a bowling date with Bunbury, George Glass, and Harvey the Rabbit.
P.S. Is it even worth noting that while Dr. Mike “loves” and forgives his male friend, and begs “Scott” to accompany him to Sunday service, none of the women he mentions (i.e., the abortion-funding, home-wrecking vago-heretics who are underwriting cutlery for Charles Manson when they’re not buying a divorce on credit) seem to merit a similar invitation to Port City Church?

Posted by scott on Monday, July 23rd, 2007 at 6:29 pm.

68 Responses to “Dr. Mike Denounces His Imaginary Friends To The Inquisition”

And I’m sure “Scott” appreciates the passive-aggressive tone, the broadcasting of his family troubles, and the multitude of little strawmen you’ve scattered around the text for him like you’re the frigging Blair Witch. Boy, you’re lucky he’s fictional or Scott might just kick your ass
Mary, is it okay if I just sort of sit here quietly and idolize Scott for a few minutes?
No shit, Dr Mike, I know some pretty friggin’ unlikely people (the neighbor who is mad at Bush for liberating the Iraqis after they took down the Towers, for example). I mean, hell, I *am* some unlikely people. But even I know how to put together a more realistic anecdote than that. The fucking *zombies* aren’t even buying this crap.

Left by D. Sidhe on July 23rd, 2007

Wow. How does this guy remain so consistant in his assholery?
“Is it Godly and right to fund the wedding of two people in love? Is it also right to fund a divorce based soley on the personal needs of one party?”
I guess that depends on who the people are. If I was Mikey’s father-in-law, then, “NO!” and “YesYesYesYesYes!!!!”
And it’s amazing how Mikey has those mind-reading powers, and knows exactly what a woman who had an abortion is thinking. Especially since his total lack of empathy for women makes him unable to hear the word “vagina” without wigging out.
I HATE this guy. Truly fucking hate him. That’s not something I’m all that proud of. I try my hardest to NOT hate anybody. The list of people I truly feel that way about is pretty short.
I’m guessing the list of people HE hates is pretty long.
I’m also guessing the list of people who hate him is even longer.

Left by Bill S on July 23rd, 2007

I’m also guessing the list of people who hate him is even longer.
Add one more.

Left by fluffybunnyfeet on July 23rd, 2007

Great post, I’ll be passing this along and then re-reading it again as I’m pretty sure I’ll laugh just as hard as the first time I read it. Oh yeah, I still have the mental image of god crossing the street to avoid this numbnut. Ha-ha-ha

Left by Colleen on July 23rd, 2007

Oh, and I just realized: he equated woman who have abortions, gay teens, and transgendered persons with Charles Manson.
ASSHOLE!
Show of hands-how many people are skeptical that he was ever really an atheist?

Left by Bill S on July 23rd, 2007

Personally, I not only have a hard time believing that Dr. Mike walks with God, I suspect that if God sees him first, He crosses the street. and suddenly needs to check His watch very, very closely in order to avoid eye contact.

Left by Rugosa on July 23rd, 2007

Bill S:
Of course he wasn’t an atheist. However, there seems to be a meme among born-agains who want to preach to the masses, along the lines of “I used to be an atheist but I got better”. Sometimes it’s not atheism they recovered from; sometimes it’s drug abuse or teh gay, but the important thing is they got better.
Except, of course, their descriptions of their lives before they got better rarely match those of people who really are atheists, or drug users, or gay.

Left by Randall on July 23rd, 2007

And that’s a really serious burn, Rugosa, what with God being omniscient and all, so he doesn’t ever actually have to look at his watch. It’s so transparent a ploy that it’s grievously insulting!
(And God has even less need to check the time if he doesn’t exist.)

Left by Zeno on July 23rd, 2007

Yeah, there’s really no comparison between Dr. Mike and Doug Giles. Doug is a comically un-self-aware lunatic, to be sure, but I would categorize him as mostly harmless. Dr. Mike, on the other hand, is just one of the biggest assholes around. As far as his columns go, this one is actually comparatively mild, but he’s still one of the world’s worst people.

Left by GeoX on July 23rd, 2007

Really? To be honest, he seems like the kind of shallow little dick who would have owned a copy of The Satanic Bible in high school in the vain hopes of impressing, um, girls. Probably girls. No, definitely girls.
I would argue more that it’s not so much he was an atheist and he’s “overcome” it (Btw, Dr Mike, they have creams and stuff for that now) but that he *still* doesn’t really believe in God–or at least not in any kind of God who will do anything to him when he dies.
My money’s on waffling agnostic since his mom stopped making him go to church, just trying to be part of something that lets him feel better about hating people who aren’t as good as he is.

Left by D. Sidhe on July 23rd, 2007

(D’oh. My comment was in reply to Bill and Randall.)

Left by D. Sidhe on July 23rd, 2007

Randall, by “got better” do you mean “became a huge dickhead”?

Left by Bill S on July 23rd, 2007

Dr. Professor Mike, PhD, strikes me as someone who changes his staunchly-held opinions to match whatever is “in” this week.
Anything to be cool.

Left by Dorothy on July 23rd, 2007

Harvey the Rabbit
technically, Harvey was a pooka*.
*“P O O K A – Pooka – from old
Celtic mythology – a fairy spirit in animal form – always very large. The
pooka appears here and there – now and
then – to this one – and that one – a
benign but mischievous creature – very
fond of rumpots, crackpots, and how are
you, Mr. Wilson?”

Left by preznit giv me turkee on July 23rd, 2007

Oh, I suspect Dr. Mike’s atheist girlfriend was very real.
Not only that… it appears she may be the very key to understanding all that sits at the nexus of this man we call Dr. Mike.
Richard Bartholomew recognized as much a few years ago:
This conversion narrative is actually quite commonplace: the most pious Christian becomes the bitterest atheist, or vice versa, and the most dogmatic Marxist becomes the most strident neo-con. Of course, although Adams gives us the triggers for his conversion, we are left to guess at the underlying psychological aspects: however, his post-conversion fear and loathing of feminists and his assertions of masculinity are suggestive. In a January 2005 article, Adams tells us that he announced his atheism publicly in 1992, which would be four years after getting rid of his Bible. He had an unhappy break with his atheist girlfriend the very next day, although this was “my first step on the road to freedom”.
And here Mike spins his yarn, bookending it with those hints at the truth:
I still remember the night I publicly declared my atheism. It was April 3rd, 1992…
…”Are you really an atheist” he asked. He assured me he didn’t mean to pry and that he was merely concerned. He didn’t have to tell me that. His reaction gave him away. It was a reaction he could not have possibly faked.
That law student, whose name I have forgotten, made no effort to convert me on the spot. But he did plead with me to pick up a copy of Mere Christianity…
Years later, I read Mere Christianity and it did have a great effect upon me. But, recently, I was thinking about what really drove me to read the book. How could I have remembered the title of a book I heard only once? After all, it was many years before at the end of a long night of drinking in a bar in Mississippi.
The answer is simple. The advice was given to me by someone who sincerely considered the matter to be urgent. And that sense of urgency was conveyed without a trace of anger. It was just a matter of one human being communicating his concern for another without being pushy and holier-than-thou.
…
When my relationship with my atheist girlfriend ended on April 4th, 1992, I thought it was the end of the world. I didn’t know I had just taken my first step on the road to freedom. I certainly didn’t believe in divine intervention. But I do now.
You see… His girlfriend broke up with him.
A profound sense of fatigue, a feeling of emptiness followed. Luckily he was able to interpret this trauma correctly: It was the Lord Himself, reaching down His hand to save Dr. Mike from that depraved, feminist succubus and her man-eating vagina dentata.
He never even really liked her anyways. Pfft. Her and her “liberated” atheistic sexuality. Not. Even. At. All.

Left by Dan on July 23rd, 2007

Real Scott: You abso-fuggin-lutely THE man (maybe even the man & a half) both for reading these morons’ crap, & then ripping it to shreds to put in the litter box!! Very little for me to add, though I must question Dr. Dipshit’s statement that the Suns were in Big D “last summer,” unless the team travels together during the off-season to get group travel discounts. Not that you’d find me (or anyone w/ a lick of sense) in Dallas at any time, but the summer? NFW! (Just to be absolutely fair to him [why, Bouff, why, he's not fair to common sense or anything else] his idea of “summer” may be whenever he’s not poisoning young minds @ East Podunk State Teachers College, & may have no connection to actual seasons or any other empirical reality. (Why should his take on the seasons be any different?)

Left by M. Bouffant on July 23rd, 2007

“How does one know he lives a moral life if he does not ever attend church?”
How does one know he follows a healthy life-style if he never consults a gypsy tarot-reader?
How does one know if he is driving in the right direction if he doesn’t sacrifice a cock to Asklepios?

Left by Herr Doktor Bimler on July 23rd, 2007

I kind of effed up the italics up there.
Dr. Mike quote ends “… I certainly didn’t believe in divine intervention. But I do now.”

Left by Dan on July 23rd, 2007

Preznit, I always had the impression that Harvey was a tulpa. I could be wrong about that. It struck me as a sort of parable about creating your own reality and inviting others to join you there, a surreal enticement to a semi-utopian vision where we cast off the things that are unimportant and learn to enjoy our birthright of idealism and imagination that most of us eventually shed for functioning, normal adulthood.
Or, it might be my young schizophrenic hallucinations and my personal lust for vindication, but whenever I watched it I always had the feeling that Harvey was obviously real, and that someday he was going to get them.

Left by D. Sidhe on July 23rd, 2007

“It must feel like hobbling around with a fleshy sack of Clackers.
Ahhhhhhhh, you never lose a taste for the classics… heh heh heh…
(Although, in my day, they were called “Click-Clackers” — but you know how us Suth’ners are all poetic-like as shee-yutt, just ask Tennessee Williams.)
“…indiscriminant do-gooders…”
As an atheist, a very pro-abortion heathen, and a very specific do-gooder, I’m getting the vibe that I need to have a very severe conversation with “Dr.” Mike’s kneecaps, using my four-way tire-tool as an interpreter.
“This notion of giving both emotional and monetary support to a neighbor only with regard to the recipient’s will is precisely why man needs church to lead a moral life.”
Yeah, ’cause, y’know, before you HELP people, you need to JUDGE THEM and decide, as your gawd’s/invisible sky-friend’s Amway Agent On Earth, whether they A) “Deserve” such help, B) if what they “need” this money for is WORTHY of your precious lucre, and if so, will it enhance YOUR brownie-points towards “Heaven”/”Valhalla”/”name-your-mormon-planet-here” in giving it, and C) is this bitch going to hit you up for even MORE money once you finally get a job?!?!?!
After all, that’s the general thought process that brought such brilliant, expedient, and thoroughly unbiased “help” to the victims of Hurricanes Katrina & Rita, right?
Y’know, after Dumbya got off of vacation and actually stopped pretending that he wasn’t GRINNING HIS ASS OFF THROUGH EVERY FUCKING “BRIEFING” THAT HE LATER CLAIMED TO HAVE NEVER HAD WHILE PEOPLE WERE DYING IN THE STREETS AND IN THEIR HOMES ALL OVER THE FUCKING GULF COAST!!!!!!
*ahem*
“Do you have to go to church in order to decide that this divorce (hell, any divorce) is the fault of the woman? Can’t we just take it for granted that whenever a marriage breaks up, it’s because the spoiled bitch got her ass all “liberated” and “independent?” I mean, we don’t need church for that, Dr. Mike, that’s what we’ve got you for.”
Dangling participles aside, Mary, I must also submit my desire to express platonic-crush-like admiration for Scott on a level which might worry you if you didn’t already know that I’m an ornery old spinster who has no designs to plunder your man-treasure-chest whatsoever.
“Personally, I not only have a hard time believing that Dr. Mike walks with God, I suspect that if God sees him first, He crosses the street.”
Scott, darling, you have got to print, frame, and BRONZE that motherfucker, ’cause you can use it on SOOOOOOOOO many fucking bible-banging fucktards, oh, the possibilities are ENDLESS!!!
I wonder if Tammy Faye’s already been cremated, or if there’ll be a stone on which to inscribe it…
And in re: the P.S., no, it’s beyond farce to note that he only “loves” and “begs” his MALE imaginary friends by now, dear. Rather gilding the lily.
And Bill, darling, fear not. You are not shaving-off your innate goodness by hating this pud-thucker, you are merely showing the gut-true reaction of a moral and semi-sane person when shown an example of the sickest forms of discriminatory (and quite relevatory) passive-aggressive hatred and ignorance allowable by law in this country. In other words, if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, and looks like it wants to FUCK that duck, then you should probably take a hearty swing at it with a baseball bat. Your reaction is not only purely natural, but to be lauded, as further proof that 27 years of Reaganomics have not shredded your moral fibre one bit.
“I would argue more that it’s not so much he was an atheist and he’s “overcome” it (Btw, Dr Mike, they have creams and stuff for that now) but that he *still* doesn’t really believe in God–or at least not in any kind of God who will do anything to him when he dies.”
BWUAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!!
Great insight, D. Heh. And if there was anybody who deserved to have Harvey (a very old, crotchety, not so much whimsical as SADISTIC pooka, who would torment “Dr.” Mike into a very swift and severe suicide), Mike’s the guy.

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on July 24th, 2007

Someone, somewhere (sorry I can’t remember who) once said that the churchies were probably LESS moral than the average person. They only do good (or talk about doing good) because they think they will get rewarded for it in heaven, rather than from empathy or anything. They always talk about how others can’t have morality without religion because it is literally true for them. They simply cannot understand someone can be a good person purely through kindness, empathy, and basic humanity rather than through the fear O’ God.
In fact they seem to truly loath genuinely moral, but non-religious people. As if to say “You think yer so great, but you goin’ ta Hell! Haw Haw Haw!” They’d just be pathetic if they weren’t so loud and obnoxious about it.

Left by Gundamhead on July 24th, 2007

after I converted to Christianity
Ah yes, “Christianity.” That’s my favorite single, homogeneous religion. I’m glad that Christians share all their views in a mild, humble way, and never succumb to, say, irreparable schisms over key doctrinal questions. Or, just as a for-instance, decades of continuous slaughter and atrocities against one another.
“How does one know he lives a moral life if he does not ever attend church?”
Um, _which_ church, Mike? The one with the gay bishop? (You know the one I mean. No, the other one. No, the other other one.) You get the feeling that, for Mike Adams, the One True Church is the one with the biggest parking lot and the nicest seats.

Left by FlipYrWhig on July 24th, 2007

Dr. Mike is truly amazing.At least all of my imaginary friends think so. His brilliant verbal ripostes, his elegant witticisms leave me floored. Dr. Mike is no coward. He bravely battles against children, teenagers, the homeless. So secure in his masculinity is he that he does not need to prove it by protecting (or at least leaving alone) the weak and vulnerable. No! The brave Dr. Mike wades in, boots and fists flying.
(the Christian Hartsockpuppet trademark is registered to Henry Crun)

Left by Christian Hartsockpuppet on July 24th, 2007

“I am tempted to ask some of these indiscriminate do-gooders whether they would loan Charles Manson a knife under the principle of always helping a fellow human in needs.”
Go ahead and give in to that temptation, Mike. Ask them! That way, when they call you on your bullshit question and tell you to fuck off for being such a smug, obstuse jackass, you can congratulate yourself for having proven again that liberals are the REALLY intolerant ones.

Left by Bill S on July 24th, 2007

“Last summer, I was sitting by the pool with a friend I will call Scott.”
The one, I think, we have forgotten in all of this is Scott (the imaginary one, not the one who day after day delves through this drivel for our delectation – sorry, too much Doug Giles). The only thing I can think of that is worse than being one of Dr. Mike’s imaginary friends is being one of Dr. Mike’s imaginary students and having to sit through one of his imaginary classes.
And I gotta go with GeoX: Doug Giles, amusing nitwit who when he walks over to where you are hanging out and having a drink with friends, you don’t really mind because – on some level – its like watching an infomercial on colonics made easy at 3 in the morning. When he walks away, you sort of go “Holy Shit, he is so fucking weird.” Mike Adams – a complete and utter sanctimonious shithead.

Left by tomg on July 24th, 2007

I am tempted to ask Dr. Mikey if he would give Eric Rudoplh the materials for bomb, and directions to the nearest Planned Parenthood of gay disco.
My guess is that he would, then follow, from a safe distance to watch, seated in a spot where he couldn’t be seen, the better to beat off without being interrupted. Then curse his look for finishing before the bomb went off.

Left by Bill S on July 24th, 2007

“luck”, not “look”. I ruined my own joke.

Left by Bill S on July 24th, 2007

“Planned Parenthood OR gay disco.”
danm tyops!

Left by Bill S on July 24th, 2007

“How does one know he lives a moral life if he does not ever attend church?”
If one single question more plainly betrays the hamstrung soul of the weak, frightened, authoritarian drone out of his own mouth…

Left by Mentis Fugit on July 24th, 2007

You know, granted the only thing we really know about her are that she was a thug who dated her professor as an undergraduate (funny how people pick partners who confirm their prejudices, innit?), I’m really starting to feel sorry for Mrs. Prof. Dr. Mike.

Left by julia on July 24th, 2007

To her credit, she did help others in need. In fact, she gave her friend $400 when she became pregnant unexpectedly and “needed” an abortion.
Interestingly, my atheist girlfriend claimed to have been a victim of moral wrongdoing when her friend refused to pay her back after the abortion.

Next, on a very special episode of Blossom…

Left by Doc Washboard on July 24th, 2007

How much you wanna bet his atheist girlfriend was a cabdriver?
“How does one know he lives a moral life if he does not ever attend church?”
You know who doesn’t attend church, Mikey? George W. Bush. You know who does? Hillary Clinton.
And I guess fucking your students is the “christian” thing to do in the Adams Family.

Left by R.Porrofatto on July 24th, 2007

“I am tempted to ask some of these indiscriminant do-gooders whether they would loan Charles Manson a knife under the principle of always helping a fellow human in need.”
Well, Charlie never really killed anyone himself so that’s kind of a bad analogy.
Maybe it should be “loan Laura Bush your car keys”?

Left by Jason on July 24th, 2007

Now, Scott…many’s been the night where I was sitting on Venice Beach or South Beach or even some portions of the Hamptons in my Speedos, watching the girls and thinking that my epistemeology was such that it would take an act of God for me to “know” her well…

Left by actor212 on July 24th, 2007

Well, your problem may start with the Speedos, actor212. Maybe it’s the not-exactly-committed-to-men-in-the-first-place thing, but I find them a genuine turnoff, and men wearing them seem to find my hysterical laughter a genuine turnoff.

Left by D. Sidhe on July 24th, 2007

Hmph!
SOME of us can pull off the banana hammock!

Left by actor212 on July 24th, 2007

And others require my assistance in pulling it off.

Left by Bill S on July 24th, 2007

I could never wear anything else. Stuff gets bunched up in the baggies and it hurts.

Left by actor212 on July 24th, 2007

Ooh! How on earth did I miss all that projection going on in the “daughter’s grown independent and wants to divorce her husband” crap?
Can it be that Mrs. Adams has finally seem her husband for the miserable, creepy, unpleasant, antisocial twerp he is and is contemplating ditching his sorry ass?
(And how come it’s selfish to want to end a marriage that isn’t working, but it’s not selfish to keep somebody tied to you when you know they’re unhappy?)

Left by Bill S on July 24th, 2007

Things I learned from Dr. Mike’s column:
1. Whether to lend your daughter money for a divorce is such an intractable ethical dilemma that can only be resolved by going to church.
2. Helping other people is a waste of time because they might not use your assistance in a good way.
3. Dr. Mike is the biggest cocksucking asshole in the world.
Granted, I didn’t learn #3 in this column, but it helped to reinforce something I already knew.

Left by Mark S. on July 24th, 2007

I suspect Dr. Mike read a snyopsis of “The Screwtape Letters” (C.S. Lewis), and is trying to plagarize them- badly! A friend gave me the book when I mentioned casually (didn’t announce) I was athiest. I read it, was not saved. For you folk who love a good, a really good laugh, read Peter DeVries “The Macker Plaza”. It is the story of an Athiest preacher with his athiest flock, who occasionally ‘stray’ into believing in God. And then, there is a drought!

Left by Kathy on July 24th, 2007

“The Mackeral Plaza” (the reverend’s name is Mackeral, a play on the phrase “Mackeral Slapper”, I think.
Note how DrMike make do-gooding looke evil: money for abortions! money for divorices! His imaginary do-gooder friends never give money to the homeless or Second Harvest. Tho I’m sure he’d sneer at that too.

Left by Kathy on July 24th, 2007

Now, I’ll preface this by saying, if I’m wrong, I apologize for making a false accusation. But re-reading that story of the atheist girlfriend who helped pay for an abortion, I got this feeling that it was the GIRLFRIEND who got the abortion, and Dr. Mike was the one who paid for it.
See, for me, that detail about wanting the money back, sounds like something HE’D be pissed about. Then add the speculation, years later, that, “Ahh, she’s probably totally guilt-ridden for doing it!” Sounds like sour grapes to me.
I COULD be wrong about that, of course. But am I out of line for thinking this?

Left by Bill S on July 24th, 2007

But am I out of line for thinking this?
you’d be out of line for not thinking it

Left by preznit giv me turkee on July 24th, 2007

(And how come it’s selfish to want to end a marriage that isn’t working, but it’s not selfish to keep somebody tied to you when you know they’re unhappy?)
I have no idea. Seems incredibly selfish to me.
Kathy, I’m guessing that his friends who give money to the homeless while in his company are sneered at with “They’re just gonna buy drugs or booze”. (To which my reply is always, “Good!” None of the homeless are twenty bucks away from a job or a home or medical care, for God’s sakes. But they may be twenty bucks away from not caring for a while, and if that’s the least I can do, I’m good with that.)
Bill, I have to say I actually wondered if it was some other woman who gave Mike’s girlfriend money for an abortion because she didn’t want to end up trapped with a new baby and Dr Mike. The rest of it, clearly, is made up, but I could see that happening.

Left by D. Sidhe on July 24th, 2007

Very little for me to add, though I must question Dr. Dipshit’s statement that the Suns were in Big D “last summer,” unless the team travels together during the off-season to get group travel discounts. Not that you’d find me (or anyone w/ a lick of sense) in Dallas at any time, but the summer? NFW!
Coincidently, I was in Phoenix last week and am now back in Dallas. The Dallas high was only 5 degrees above Phoenix’s overnight low. Just saying. (And that “dry heat” BS? Yeah, a dry 115 is still way, way worse than a humid 90. Trust me.)
None of the homeless are twenty bucks away from a job or a home or medical care, for God’s sakes. But they may be twenty bucks away from not caring for a while, and if that’s the least I can do, I’m good with that.
D., that’s one of the most profound statements I’ve heard in a long time. Is it OK if I just bask in it, for a while?

Left by Dorothy on July 24th, 2007

Feel free to adopt it as a personal philosophy and use it on people who throw that argument your way. In my experience, half of the time people say that, they’re just trying to avoid feeling guilty about walking past people. Drives me nuts.

Left by D. Sidhe on July 25th, 2007

If you help others with an expectation of a reward, it leads to bondage. The path to freedom is found in the performance of right action without the least attachment to the fruits thereof. Just read Chapter 18 of the Bhagavad Gita if you don’t believe me.
Is the point of going to church just to find out if we are moral enough, sort of like the folks sitting on the Group W bench in “Alice’s Restaurant?” Sorry, I find the issue to be a distraction for the above reasons. So I think I’ll just sit home and meditate instead.

Left by trashfire on July 25th, 2007

Was Dr. Mike an atheist? That really would give us, atheists, a bad, bad name!

Left by Rebuscado on July 25th, 2007

So many unresolved developmental issues, so many repressed desires, the id bubbling just beneath the surface, the complete loss of perspective and the retreat into a world of fantasy …. Dr. Mike is a psychoanalyst’s dream (or nightmare, depending upon your outlook).

Left by Henry Crun & sockpuppet on July 25th, 2007

So if you regret what you brought with your loan, you don’t have to pay it back? Awesome.

Left by Hysterical Woman on July 25th, 2007

Y’know, I keep discovering new stupid each time I re-read this thing.
He tells us it cost $400 for a woman to get an abortion.
Then he makes a point of mentioning how much a friend spent on his daughter’s wedding and subsequent divorce ($33,000, but I bet he’s rounding off. Or making it up. Whatevs.)
Now, just think-that woman saved herself at least $32,600 (not counting the additional 17 years of additional expenses.)
So Mike’s column made a persuasive argument in favor of abortion.
Or at least a good argument for remaining childless. (Every column he writes is an argument for HIM remaing childless. )

Left by Bill S on July 25th, 2007

Or for retroactive abortion, Bill.
HysWom,
In some sects of the Baptist cult, there is a mechanism that calls for debt forgiveness every seven years, in the Year of the Sabbatical. (Deuteronomy, I think, but Baptists never were fussy about which Testament they crib from)
Bono neatly turned this into a world-wide call for Third World debt forgiveness in the year 2000, as a year of Jubilee, based on Matthew 18.

Left by actor212 on July 25th, 2007

Ooh..I just noticed my redundant use of “additional”. It’s a good thing nobody PAYS me to write.
Also…I wasn’t saying I believed kids are a waste of money-if that’s how you feel, then you probably wouldn’t make a very good parent. (Of course most people who feel that way have the good sense not to have kids. The ones lacking that amount of sense…well, I’m guessing their kids are emotionally fucked-up.)

Left by Bill S on July 25th, 2007

Har! Sermon on teh mount!

Left by Marq on July 25th, 2007

That would be about right, Bill. On the plus side, it’s made me not be remotely interested in having kids.
Marq, I think we’re gonna chalk that up to the drugs and move on. You’d better be getting some decent drugs, though.
At least you didn’t make the joke about Doug.

Left by D. Sidhe on July 25th, 2007

And they fired Ward Churchill?

Left by Marq on July 25th, 2007

Do *not* get me started on Ward Churchill. You’re in no condition for it.

Left by D. Sidhe on July 25th, 2007

“Personally, I not only have a hard time believing that Dr. Mike walks with God, I suspect that if God sees him first, He crosses the street”
this reminds me of an old Steve Bell cartoon from the eighties. Ronald Reagan dressed as a cowboy is riding around the desert with Nancy and he says something like (bad paraphrase) “I like to come out here, get away from everything for a while and get closer to God” and a big speech bubble comes out of the clouds saying “aargh get away from me you fucking nutter”.
thats why i never thought much of God. have you seen his friends?

Left by ichomobothogogus on July 26th, 2007

Yeah, it were but a shabby joke, D. Don’t take it as my defending or endorsing W.C. His very name seems to drive teh wingnutz gonzo berserk (and, yes, many lefties, too)! I just thought Dr. Professor Myke wouldn’t appreciate being compared to him.

Left by Marq on July 26th, 2007

Mike suffers in comparison to just about anybody.

Left by Bill S on July 26th, 2007

Oh, and Scott-which one is Apollo, and which one is Hyacinthus?

Left by Bill S on July 26th, 2007

Actually, I *like* Ward Churchill, and own his books. Have for years and years. Nothing he said was even remotely as objectionable as anything Dinesh D’Souza has said on the subject, certainly nowhere near approaching the kind of crap that gets said at the wingnut sites which are currently doing happydances that he got fired. So fuck them, and I’ll keep buying his books.

Left by D. Sidhe on July 26th, 2007

To clarify, neither did I condemn W.C. Having only read the cherry-picked statements the mass media had reported years back, I suspected that they were trying to gin up a “lefties as just as bad as righties” meme. Good to know.

Left by Marq on July 26th, 2007

Bill S., I think they both saw themselves as Apollo, which might be why they aren’t “friends” anymore.

Left by Hysterical Woman on July 26th, 2007

“How does one know he lives a moral life if he does not ever attend church?”
Well for some reason this quote came to mind:
“When you pray, you are not to be like the hypocrites; for they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and on the street corners so that they may be seen by men. Truly I say to you, they have their reward in full”
when god sees this clown he crosses the street and then pretends to be on his cell.

Left by Professor Fate on July 26th, 2007

Gawd, am I ever sick of fascist, Christianist crackers like Doktor Mike ALWAYS trying to turn God into his personal accomplice in dickdom.
I agree – I just bet God does cross the street when he smells that puddin’ head waddling down False Witness Boulevard.
BTW what a damn, good post. I hope Herr A-hole enjoys it.

Left by TF-MA on July 28th, 2007

Hey, has anybody sent this column to Steve Nash yet? I think he’d appreciate knowing this pervert was ogling his wife. The Suns do make a trip to Charlotte every year; he could make a side trip to the University of North Carolina at Buttfuck to discuss the matter with the Not So Good Doctor.

Left by gjdodger on July 30th, 2007

Friday Beast Blogging — Splay Lady Splay Edition

2011-11-20T01:30:00.000-08:00

Moondoggie…

“Like the view, baby? You should’a seen it before she hauled me off to the vet.”
And Riley…

“That’s odd…Suddenly, I’m sensing porn…”

Posted by scott on Friday, July 20th, 2007 at 9:21 pm.

15 Responses to “Friday Beast Blogging — Splay Lady Splay Edition”

Such beautiful cats… and they know it.

Left by D. Sidhe on July 20th, 2007

And I thought that my Boy Cat was a slut… Moondoggie almost makes him look demure…
The Friday catblogging over at my place is not so fun, no so sweet.

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on July 21st, 2007

Moondoggie and Riley look remarkably like my own beasts Bop and Rocco. Are they moonlighting? How much are you paying them!

Left by Donna on July 21st, 2007

Hilarious…thanks for the laugh and for pics of gorgeous cats.

Left by Gappy on July 21st, 2007

That’s odd…Suddenly, I’m sensing porn…”
but is it kitty porn? ya got to be careful about that

Left by preznit giv me turkee on July 21st, 2007

What, no lolcats captions?

Left by trenchcoat on July 21st, 2007

Perhaps Riley senses the hamsters w/in.

Left by M. Bouffant on July 21st, 2007

Moondoggie is not a cat. He is a Don Martin cartoon incarnate.

Left by Herr Doktor Bimler on July 21st, 2007

More like a feline melding of Martin & Lewis.
And there are only hamsters within if it’s a Compaq hard drive…

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on July 21st, 2007

I have a feeling that they’d insert hamsters the olde fashioned way… down the gullet!

Left by Marq on July 21st, 2007

:::smacks Marq upside the head:::
Hamsters INSIDE THE COMPUTER, dink.

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on July 22nd, 2007

whew, that’s a relief, no Coultergeist pictures for me today (touch wood)

Left by preznit giv me turkee on July 22nd, 2007

preznit, never again use “Coultergeist” and “touch wood” in the same sentence.
And apropos of nothing here, but it was just so bizzarre I wanna share:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gFGit_tZDqs
You’ll see more assholes in 7 minutes than a proctologist sees in a year.

Left by Bill S on July 22nd, 2007

So beautiful cats !

Left by Titi on July 24th, 2007

Indeed! And we ladies can all learn a few things from our shameless role model, Moondoggie. I plan to assume that very same position at bedtime, just to see what happens. (As if I don’t already know. Heh.)

Left by Mrs. Tarquin Biscuitbarrel on July 24th, 2007

Baby Got Brokeback

2011-11-20T01:28:00.000-08:00

Longtime readers will remember the days when tough, streetwise preacher Doug Giles (think Pat Boone in The Cross and the Switchblade) and student-diddling academic Dr. Professor Mike Adams (think Mary Kay LeTourneau with a whinier voice. And a smaller penis) were the Damon and Pythias of third tier wingnuts. Back then, these two would routinely leave their emasculating spouses and seek refuge up on Brokeback Mountain, where they would reclaim their manliness by breathing deep of each other’s unshowered muskiness and then shooting some lethargic ruminants in a petting zoo.

We don’t know what happened to sunder this bond, once so tight and seamless they were practically conjoined, but it may have had something to do with that chronic erectile dysfunction Dr. Professor Mike is always complaining about. Nevertheless, Doug and Dr. Mike both have columns in Townhall, and although their subjects are superficially different, there is a spiritual oneness to them, an increasing unity of soul and purpose so striking that you can almost see the two of them crawling toward each other, gut-shot, but flirty, like Gregory Peck and Jennifer Jones at the end of Duel in the Sun.

What has occasioned this renewed confluence of manly essence? Well, it seems that lately, both Doug and Dr. Professor Mike have decided to go out of their way to be jerks. But which of these earnest young swains will be the first to drop the mask and bare his true feelings? That’s where you come in. For this week, you are judge and jury of the First Annual Doug Giles/Dr. Professor Mike S. Adams Pro-Am Gran Prix Invitational Jerk-Off!
Let’s begin with Doug, shall we?

For the last 40 years, there has been a belligerent, systematic secularization of the United States by the liberal thought cops.

Last 40 years? Don’t be such a pussy, Doug! You ask me, the systematic secularization got belligerant before there even was a United States, when Massachusetts Governor William Phipps started outlawing spectral evidence in witch trials.

A myopic Cyclops can see this.

Although, like Doug, the Cyclops wouldn’t have any depth perception.

Of the many mental things the secularist suffers from…

Remember when “secularism,” like homosexuality, was classified as a psychiatric disorder by the APA? Those were the days. It made things so much easier when we had to have my Grandma committed because of her complaints about our Christmas tree still being up in March. Nana kept bitching about some mythical ”fire hazard,” never realizing the real hazard was the Lake of Eternal Fire she was going to find her withered ass roasting in if she didn’t stop trying to secularize our living room!

…two primary pains motivate [the secularist] to work against the universe: 1) a repulsion towards God and 2) a massive American History memory loss.

Just curious, but can you actually be repulsed toward something? Maybe he meant “revulsion,” but I don’t want to put words in Doug’s mouth, primarily because it looks like he’s already got at least one foot in there, and I’d probably need a ramrod.

Being saddled with these sicknesses, instead of seeking healing or having an exorcism…

“I always thought I genuinely concerned about maintaining civil rights and guaranteeing religious freedom for all by supporting the Constitutional separation of church and state. Turns out, I was just infested with demons.”

…they have chosen rather to create a new United States of Sassy Secularists in which the traditionalist is kicked to the curb and their novel material girls get to govern.

But what are the definitive signs that we’ve transitioned from the United States of America to The United States of Sassy Secularism? One, I suppose, would be when Congress replaces the clergy-led opening prayer with a ritual call to tax the churches, and instead of “Amen,” the Invocation would end with all the distinguished members murmuring, “Kiss my grits!”

To accomplish the creation of the USSS, they have become busy monkeys…

See, they’re monkeys because the secularists believe in evolution. See how Doug’s prose operates on several levels at once?

…trying to level authorities, rewrite records, become judge and jury of all things everywhere, homogenize cultures, pimp style over substance and deify power while they prop up the “victims of the system” to drive their imagined American magic bus.

Personally, I think “victims of the system” should be allowed to “die” and “reduce the surplus population.” But if you’re one of these granny dress-wearing, Annie Greensprings-sippers who insists on wearing flowers in your hair when you go to San Francisco, and you’re forced to take imaginary public transportation, then I would urge you to avoid hallucinating buses between the hours of 7 and 9 AM, because it’s almost impossible to get a magic seat.
At least, I think that’s what Doug is saying. As a former pusher, he clearly has access to better drugs than I do (and he gets the employee discount, to boot.)

On Planet Secularity where truth is dead, muscle-power becomes the operative standard of speech. The results are cultic conformity and group bullying.

Which, as we all know, is exactly the opposite of the kind of thing you find in a theocracy.

The chief orgasmic goal of the secular sellers of societal swill…

…is alliteration?

…is to create a rock-solid environment of political correctness—with the intended end being the cowing of people who might rustle their feathers by not parroting their already tried (and been found wanting) opinions.

Wait. The ultimate goal of people who want to preserve the separation of church and state is to steal feathers from parrots?

They can’t allow people to speak and free think, because the realist and the truth dealer would pee on their little party.

Later, when Doug was busted for dealing truth, the amount found on him was far below the threshold for trafficking, and he was let go with a warning. He did, however, get a ticket for public urination.

Therefore, the person who champions a traditional view of truth (not propaganda), who stands for the historical record (not the hysterical read) and who believes that biblically based, previously proven and transcendent standards should continue to serve as an external pattern to govern our nation’s character will endure more scorn than Ted Nugent, Rush Limbaugh and me crashing Rosie’s “Lesbians Only” plus size pool party.

Oh I wouldn’t feel so scorned and despised, Doug. Between Rush’s pendulous man-boobs and your plucked and moussed metrosexuality, you two could probably pass for a couple at most lesbian only pool parties, especially if you arrived late, after everyone was already hammered on margaritas.

The faithful traditionalist who loves God and the way this nation was originally constituted will stand up against this hijacking of our nation by the secularists.

Even now, they’re planning to catch James Madison after Sixth Period and Snicker-snag on him behind the gym.

The traditionalist who’s worth his salt will not put on ButtSmacker lip balm and kiss the chunky backside of the secularists when they jam it in his face for an acquiescing smooch. No sir. No way. Not now. Not ever.

Well, as defiant last words go, it’s not exactly Nathan Hale’s, “I regret that I have but one life to give for my country,” but it’s nice that Doug cares enough about his impending martyrdom to plan ahead.
Next up: Dr. Professor Mike.

Posted by scott on Thursday, July 19th, 2007 at 4:01 pm.

59 Responses to “Baby Got Brokeback”

Oh, my sweet Lordy-Gordy. The saddest thing about this guy is that he actually THINKS he’s funny. But he’s not.
No sir. No way. Not now. Not ever.
And you’re telling me Mikey’s got a similarly themed column?
What sort of drugs alleviate this?
Or would a few minutes of gay porn work?
‘Cause sometimes I think that would help Dougie. It certainly couldn’t warp him any further.

Left by Bill S on July 19th, 2007

‘Among the many mental things the secularist suffers from…’
What delightful prose.
‘The chief orgasmic goal of the secular sellers of societal swill…’
And nattering nabobs of negativity, natch.
I skimmed the article, and I’m unable to find any hint of research or actual data. Seriously, I know that they call it “opinion” for a reason, but this isn’t even opinion. It’s just a mishmash of loosely relevant conjecture and vilification. It’s information-free, cookie-cutter “opinion” that he clearly pounded out in 30 minutes after watching The View for a couple minutes.
It isn’t even funny in the “look, let’s point and laugh” way that his frantic assertions of manhood are. If he’s being paid for this, I will present that as absolute and final proof against the existence of a benevolent deity.
Group question: is that “material girls” non sequitur a mangled reference to the “Breck Girl” slur on John Edwards? That’s all I can think of.

Left by Djur on July 19th, 2007

I love the last sentence:
Rather, the hardy traditionalist, while humming the words to Twisted Sister’s hit song, “We’re Not Gonna Take It,” will continue to speak out, work hard and self sacrifice in order to preserve classic traditional America values.
Dee Snider’s words are as true today as they were in his time.

Left by Mark S. on July 19th, 2007

I did some editing for Dr. Mike as it seems his quit last wednesday as he got tired of not getting reimbursed for the Butt Smacker Lip Balm Dr. Mike is so fond of having him wear.
*********
belligerent, systematic secularization
A myopic Cyclops can see this.
Of the many mental things
to work against the universe:
Being saddled with
or having an exorcism…
Sassy Secularists in which the traditionalist is kicked
novel material girls get to govern.
they have become busy monkeys…
level authorities, rewrite records,
pimp style
power while they prop
drive their imagined American magic bus.
Planet Secularity
where truth is dead
cultic conformity and group bullying
chief orgasmic goal
a rock-solid environment
the intended end
being the cowing
people
who might rustle their feathers
parroting their already tried
can’t allow people to speak and free think
pee on their little party.
the person who
champions
stands
believes
proven and transcendent
serve as an external pattern
plus size pool party
faithful traditionalist
originally constituted
hijacking
worth his salt
put on ButtSmacker lip balm
kiss the chunky backside
jam it in his face
acquiescing smooch

Left by kate on July 19th, 2007

The chief orgasmic goal of the secular sellers of societal swill is to create a rock-solid environment of political correctness—with the intended end being the cowing of people who might rustle their feathers by not parroting their already tried (and been found wanting) opinions.
As is the norm, Bingo invokes “politically correct” incorrectly–to indicate an ultraliberal nightmare where a white boy can no longer have any fun doing things to others.
Naturally, whenever it’s socially acceptable (and that’s what Bingo really means) to force everyone else to tolerate his assorted abuses, Bingo was and will be silent on Teh Horrors Of Political Correctness.

Left by Happenstance on July 19th, 2007

they prop up the “victims of the system” to drive their imagined American magic bus.
I thought the victims were supposed to be propped up against the parapets, to give the impression to the marauding Arabs that Fort Zinderneuf is still well-garrisoned. Mr Giles has no respect for tradition.

Left by Herr Doktor Bimler on July 19th, 2007

And I just want to say that if I were writing an article about “Orgasmic secrets of the secular sellers of societal swill”, then it would provide many suggestions — involving skin-tight black leather cat-suits, and one of those hand-held airport metal-detector wands. But “a rock-solid environment of political correctness” would not be on the list.

Left by Herr Doktor Bimler on July 19th, 2007

kate, not to nitpick, but it’s Doug Giles, not Dr. Mike. It’s an easy mistake, as their brands of assholery are hard to tell apart to the untrained eye.

Left by Bill S on July 19th, 2007

Lots of simplistic, hateful, blamestormed, demagoguery cut with no self-examination what-so-ever. That’s some pure stuff he’s selling from his street corner

Left by stupidBaby on July 19th, 2007

The stupid! It buuurrrrrnnnnnnsssss!

Left by Doodle Bean on July 19th, 2007

“Orgasmic secrets of the secular sellers of societal swill”
That is the title of my latest work starring Jenna Jameson and introducing Atlas Pam as the naive and reluctent yet spunky member of the dominatrixes against islamo-terror, Out on DVD this fall.
I AM SO GONNA SUE!

Left by ec1009 on July 19th, 2007

this was one of my fav’s
“Because it is in the Bible doesn’t mean it has God’s stamp of approval, it is what there was to deal with.”
excuse me? what was that? not gods word?
bwa ha ha ha.
the obviously still havent found the door to the echo chamber over at townhall

Left by fraser on July 19th, 2007

“Orgasmic secrets of the secular sellers of societal swill”
I hear thats also the title of ‘randy ray comforts’ debut xxx movie – but with bananas.
better get to the lawyers office quickly

Left by fraser on July 19th, 2007

See how Doug’s prose operates on several levels at once?
Lackwitted, cretinous, and incoherent all at the same time!!!1!
Such versatility and range.

Left by Mentis Fugit on July 19th, 2007

I don’t know if there’s some way of nominating crap for your lovely site but personally I think people getting excited about Larry Flynt exposing a few Republicans is pretty crap

Left by Cruella on July 19th, 2007

(Phil Ken Sebben voice) Self-prrrrrrrrrrrromotion!

Left by Happenstance on July 19th, 2007

Giles. Didn’t he used to be on the radio in California a couple of years back? Turned out he enlisted in the Marines, touted that his patriotic credentials but opted out just before Desert Storm.

Left by Robert on July 19th, 2007

Thanks for the correction Bill, yes distinguishing any wingnut from another can be quite a task for uninitiated. Like choosing ‘daisy’ from ‘butternut’ at the paint chip booth, hell, when on the wall, the effect is pretty much the same.

Left by kate on July 19th, 2007

“Gut-shot, but flirty” would be a good name for a rock band.

Left by Basharov on July 19th, 2007

On Planet Secularity where truth is dead, muscle-power becomes the operative standard of speech.
As compensation, we get nice uniforms and neurodisruptor© ray-guns. Our Interstellar Invasion Forces are the envy of the rest of the Federation of Worlds. Hail Mongo!

Left by Herr Doktor Bimler on July 19th, 2007

“Of the many mental things the secularist suffers from…”
My personal mental thing is rational thought, & it especially suffers after reading crap like that.

Left by M. Bouffant on July 19th, 2007

First Annual Doug Giles/Dr. Professor Mike S. Adams Pro-Am Gran Prix Invitational Jerk-Off!
shouldn’t that be “First Annual Doug Giles/Dr. Professor Mike S. Adams PhD Pro-Am Gran Pricks Invitational Jerk-Off?”

Left by preznit giv me turkee on July 19th, 2007

Cruella,
Personally, I think assholes like you need to go to hell.
Porn may be disgusting shit but it’s the price we pay for freedom of speech.
Yay! You mad motherfuckerflynt.

Left by Marco on July 19th, 2007

I am very excited about what Mr. Flynt has to say about the various politicians he has info on. I hopehopehopehope Lieberman is one of them. I just *love* a good sex-scandal. Who amongst us does not?

Left by Kathy on July 19th, 2007

Kathy.
Honey.
One favor?
Please please PUH-HUH-HUH-LEEEEEEAAAZE don’t EVER use the words “Joe Lieberman” and SEX in the same paragraph or thought/concept ever ever EVER again!!!!!!!
As if Doug weren’t enough to have me puking up my toenails from his sheer, pud-floggingly-crazy, outright ABUSE of the English language — you had to put THAT picture INTO MY HEAD!!!!!!
Don’t mind me, I’ll just be over in the corner, chewing on my hair, dunking myself into the clorox vat, y’know, the usual.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{SHUDDER!!!!!!}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on July 19th, 2007

Matter of fact, after viewing the ABORTION of a “column” above, I’m pretty well convinced that the reason that Giles’ sickening excuse for “prose” is THAT fucking DEMENTED is that he’s grasping his teeny peeny with thumb and forefinger and yanking it for all its worth (which ain’t much) WHILE HE’S TYPING WITH THE OTHER HAND.
How else could anybody construct such NIGHTMARE CLUSTERFUCKS of ABYSMAL EXCUSES FOR “LOGIC” AS HIS — and still spell most of the words correctly?!??!?!

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on July 19th, 2007

Cruella
well at least Flynt is completely open about himself. We know what his deal is.
and whats wrong with exposing hypocrisy?
You may not like the messenger, which is fair enough. But does that lessen the message?
We need to remember the context that Mr Flynt makes these statements. Conservatives have often taken him to task for what he does, hes just pointing out that his accusers are no better than him.
If his underlying message is “im sparkly clean and your a dirty sinner” then you might be able to complain about what he does in the context of this issue.
However im guessing that his message is more of the “im a dirty sinner, but youre a dirty sinning hypocrite” variety
Gotta love the self promotion tho

Left by fraser on July 19th, 2007

Annti: I was imagining Lieberman in diapers. Visualise that!

Left by Kathy on July 19th, 2007

First,
an increasing unity of soul and purpose so striking that you can almost see the two of them crawling toward each other, gut-shot, but flirty, like Gregory Peck and Jennifer Jones at the end of Duel in the Sun.
deserves to be in the next Bartlett’s, and if it were up to me the entire Internet thing would close down this weekend except for this piece.
Buttsmacking aside, has anyone checked on the Clash Church site lately? I’d been remiss. Doug’s rebranded again; the place looks like a dating service ad. He’s back selling his artwork up front (it has come and gone from the site like a fever chart; when he was still Doug Giles, Bad Motorscooter ex-drug dealer who spoke the teen’s lingo, it was the apparent source of his claim to having become a successful entrepreneur between finding the Lord and starting his pastorin’ gig. When he was rebranded as the Baddest Lesbian in Miami he hid it behind his back real quick for a while.) And now it includes not just the infamous Jesus Revealed Himself to Me, and Truth Be Told, He Could Use a Good Bikini Waxing (sorry, sold) but also male and female nudes. Which is, y’know, fine by me but I wouldn’t send my slacking teens within a mile of him.
And he’s still shockin’ the Flock in Conference Room C at the Exit 45 Motel in Aventura, which is a mite peculiar seeing as how over the past five years every licensed beggar in my neck of the woods has built himself a tax-free mini-mall.

Left by Doghouse Riley on July 20th, 2007

Jesus Revealed Himself to Me, and Truth Be Told, He Could Use a Good Bikini Waxing
Speaking of Bartletts…
And speaking of Pastor Doug’s magnum opus, “Savior mit Schwartzwald und bratwurst,” I can only quote the MST3K version of Manos The Hands of Fate:
“Thy rod and thy staff discomfort me…”

Left by scott on July 20th, 2007

Sweet Zombie Jesus! From LGFWatch…
http://tinyurl.com/35ulcj
CSPAN-2 @ 8:18AM
Sen. James Inhofe, R-Oklahoma
“…and these joint security stations, where our troops, instead of coming back to the Green Zone, will stay over there, and bed down with the Iraqi security forces, and develop intimate relations with them, and learn to love each other….”
We had to rewind the DVR a couple of times to make sure he said this. We’re not sure most Americans want our brave men and women bedding down with the Iraqi security forces. Hopefully, some “journalist” will ask him to explain.

Left by Happenstance on July 20th, 2007

Oh, Kathy, NOBODY wants to visualize that. ;(

Left by Bill S on July 20th, 2007

“secular sellers of societal swill…”
He sounds like he is channeling Spiro Agnew.

Left by tomg on July 20th, 2007

The saddest thing about this guy is that he actually THINKS he’s funny. But he’s not.
Maybe not in the exact way he intended, but come on now! The sheer earnest effort he puts into it, combined with the gawdawful results…how is this not comedy gold?

Left by Edgar Allan Li Po on July 20th, 2007

They can’t allow people to speak and free think
Has Giles been taking writing lessons from Pastor Swank?

Left by Rugosa on July 20th, 2007

en. James Inhofe, R-Oklahoma
“…and these joint security stations, where our troops, instead of coming back to the Green Zone, will stay over there, and bed down with the Iraqi security forces, and develop intimate relations with them, and learn to love each other….”
but will they be able to go to the bathroom together?

Left by preznit giv me turkee on July 20th, 2007

Columns like this frustrate me. I read them (well, not this one, but I could have) and I am convinced of the error of my secular ways. I WANT to do what Doug wants me to do. Um, at least I THINK I do. But I can’t tell what that is. I want to follow his prescription. But he fails to offer one. I want to leave my wicked buttsmacking ways behind, but he gives me no guidance.
Indeed, the sentences (in many cases) make sense, but they don’t go together to form a coherent essay. It doesn’t educate, it doesn’t inform, it doesn’t instruct. I’m still an orgasmic secular purveyor of perversion, because he couldn’t find a way to say what I should do.
Dammit…
mikey

Left by mikey on July 20th, 2007

Y’know, Kathy, you have a perverse sadistic streak that I don’t think that I like very much.
And coming from me, you KNOW that it’s bad.

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on July 20th, 2007

I prefer to think of Joe Liebermann as a furry, maybe in a big crotchless bunny suit, mistaking a biker bar during a Hell’s Angels’ reunion for a leather bar….

Left by Woodrowfan on July 20th, 2007

I’m continually baffled by the fact that guys like Giles seem to think that the Americas didn’t exist until they rose out of the ocean to meet Columbus like some kind of reverse Atlantis.
I mean, to me, I sort of think that Native American traditions constitute American tradition as much if not moreso then white Christian ones.
It’s not like the existence of Native Americans is a big secret or something.

Left by Christopher on July 20th, 2007

Ugh. I totally forgot who Mary Kay LeTourneau was, and clicked on the link. Okay…this screwy bitch can get legally married and raise two kids…but I’M the fucking threat to traditional families if I wanna do the same thing? ‘Scuse me, I gotta go barf.

Left by Bill S on July 20th, 2007

This is all about the First Amendment. Let’s not follow the gov’t down the path of censorship. After all, censorship is becoming America’s favorite past-time. The US gov’t (and their corporate friends), already detain protesters, ban books like “America Deceived” from Amazon and Wikipedia, shut down Imus and fire 21-year tenured, BYU physics professor Steven Jones because he proved explosives, thermite in particular, took down the WTC buildings. Free Speech forever.
Last link (before Stark County District Library caves to pressure and drops the title):
http://www.iuniverse.com/bookstore/book_detail.asp?&isbn=0-595-38523-0

Left by Paul D on July 21st, 2007

Paul, I don’t find Imus to fall in as a martyr of free speech. Free speech has nothing to do with people who traditionally have had more privilege and access using said access to continue to oppress those unlike themselves (female, non-het, non-white).
I’m tired of such people hiding their bigotry behind the flag, sorry, it don’t wash.

Left by kate on July 21st, 2007

Wow, Pastor Artist Doug has a novel way of cribbing from Salvador Dali, doesn’t he!
And what’s with the twisty sausagey fingers on Jesus (unless that’s what Scott meant by “bratwurst”)? As a fellow artist, I surmise that Doug went for plentiful pubic hair so he could, sort of, opt out of the Divine Endowment problem by resorting to one midsize blob amongst the foliage – but then he got frustrated and decided to give poor Jesus ten, count ‘em, 10 long thick appendages. The twisting, twining effect may be an hommage to the Matthias Grunewald crucifixion, come to think of it. Ol’ Doug sure knows his wacky Western Tradition of Torment, right enough.

Left by Li'l Innocent on July 21st, 2007

Kate — psst! Don’t feed the concern trolls… It only encourages them…

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on July 21st, 2007

And “Woodrowfan,” you need to go take those images back to LGF, where they belong. If ever there was a gang-bang of sexually-frustrated freaks, that’s them.

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on July 21st, 2007

Largely, what mikey said–with the significant difference that I have absolutely zero desire to do what Dougy G. wants, even in jest.
Jeepers, that was about the most incoherent DG has ever been, and it’s not like comprehensibility has ever been his strong suit! Lame-o pop culture references are his rather pathetic signature florish, and so, to answer the question about the “material girls” reference, it’s probably an early Madonna allusion. Really sad, though not as much as the alliteration.
And what IS it with these ignorant goddamned so-called “christians” who seem to think that the separation of church and state is some diabolical creation of the twentieth century? Are they actually that dense? It certainly points out a failing of home schooling. Not liking it, they simply *wish* it away! I have half a mind to let these morons get rid of it… then they’d be sorry!
But not half as sorry as me!

Left by Marq on July 22nd, 2007

Oh, and going by the “quality” of Dougy G.’s entry, I’m ~~absolutely dreading~~ anticipating with great curiosity Dr. Professor Mike’s column!
Or, not.

Left by Marq on July 22nd, 2007

Well, Marq, considering it’s been three days since this post went up, scott must be less than easger to suffer through it himself. Unless he did and he’s still trying to recover. Is it possible Mikey wrote something so jaw-droppingly stupid scott needed a few days to regain his strength?

Left by Bill S on July 22nd, 2007

eager, not “easger”. danm tyops.

Left by Bill S on July 22nd, 2007

Please do not write anything like this again. The tears are still running down my cheeks and my sides are aching. Bravo!

Left by Candymarl on July 22nd, 2007

When I think about it, it’s not that the “big, bad seclarists” hate God. It’s just that society is sick of the Aryan Jesus the Neo-Cons and their types have been hiding behind all these years. The kind of god that loves war and ignorance, but hates sex and logic. The one that only stops hating certain people (Blacks, Irish, etc) just because it’s no longer profitable for his televangelists. Screams about the sanctity of life but then tells the kid to go fuck themself after they’re no longer a fetus. Holds a grudge just because two naked idiots made a mistake millions of years ago. Or cares more about a self-rightous, bloody apocalypse than what is going on now. That is the God society, deep down, is sick of and would be better off without.

Left by Yaoi Huntress Earth on July 22nd, 2007

Is it possible Mikey wrote something so jaw-droppingly stupid scott needed a few days to regain his strength?
Yes.

Left by D. Sidhe on July 23rd, 2007

Oh please, please never again associate the phrase, “jaw-droppingly” and Doug Giles. Please! And, don’t get any “funny ideas” about attaching it to Dr. Professor Mike Adams, either!

Left by Marq on July 26th, 2007

How… does every”body” like my ‘neW” KaYe GrOgA”n’ “{“writing”}” “style?”

Left by Marq on July 26th, 2007

“Stone-cold sober,” my wide, white, gelatinous, tattooed ass, Marq.

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on July 26th, 2007

Um, I didn’t say that anywhere in this thread, Annti….

Left by Marq on July 27th, 2007

Yeahhhh, but you said it RECENTLY, before your most recent re-visit to the hospital. So nyeh, it still counts.
How ya feelin’, anyway, babe?

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on July 29th, 2007

I feel what’s termed “OK for me,” which would be fairly shitty for most, but is OK for me. My pulled back muscle is fading, so that’s nice. There are other neck and back pains, but they aren’t my main pains at teh moment. As far as “stone-cold sober” goes, I haven’t had a drink in months. Of course, I haven’t really had much oportunity to drink, unless I wanted to buy something at teh grocery store and sit around the house alone, drinking. I actually view drinking as more of a social thing, so I don’t tend to do that. I’m hoping that there’s some tomfoolery involving open bars at the YearlyKos, since I’m closeby and going. It’ll be like an oversized Drinking Liberally. (if any politicians are reading this, I can be plied with liquor!)

Left by Marq on July 29th, 2007

Michael Fumento Recommends Googling Michael Fumento At Least 3 Times A Day

2011-11-20T01:26:00.000-08:00

Reasonable conservative Jon Swift takes a look at the arguments of certain prominent commentators and political figures who ask, Do We Need Another Terrorist Attack? The facile answer is no, of course not, what an asinine thing to say. But that’s only because for most of the country, the trauma of 9/11 was largely negative, yielding only loss and despair. If, however, you are one of the lucky few for whom the experience served to vindicate your belief in a clash of civilizations (or at least a dust-up featuring the United States and Europe versus some fanatics in a cave), or gave you carte blanche to rule without fear of criticism, or to start optional wars from which you and your friends would derive a certain, shal we say, “profiteering dividend,” then you might feel toward America the way a husband feels toward an insufficiently obedient spouse: the sting of the first slap is starting to wear off, and if she doesn’t shut her yap, you might be forced — more in sadness than in anger – to dole out a shiner.

As readers will recall, Michael Fumento is one such conservative Cassandra. He’s been shouting himself hoarse lately over America’s inability to sustain the peak state of terror achieved on 9/11, and desperately trying to hammer his words into a kind of inspirational verbal cockring that would allow us all to remain rigid with fear for up to four hours. And he’s not choosy or squeamish about picking potential allies in the Holy War Against Holy War. Unlike other conservatives who want to lay waste the soul-sapping smut factory of Hollywood, Michael wants to recruit it to spread the Good News of war without end, and feels the best way to start would be with a terrorist bombing of a movie theater (for boffo irony), followed by a slew of films featuring “Islamist” villains.

Oddly, Mr. Fumento objects to the respectful attention paid his views, and recently graced the pages of Mr. Swift’s blog with the same sort of elegant rebuttal he earlier favored us with here at World O’ Crap. The entire exchange is worth reading, but this was my favorite part:

MR. FUMENTO: Finally, maybe you want to tell your readers about how Hollywood changed Tom Clancy’s “The Sum of All Fears” so that Islamist terrorists became neo-Nazis? Why? Because the Islamist front group the Council on American-Islamic Relations (CAIR)demanded it. Take a bit of time and read about it, rather than getting all your information from a World o’ Crap.

MR. SWIFT: It is certainly distressing that the movie “The Sum of All Fears” decided to defame neo-Nazis instead of Islamist terrorists after pressure by CAIR. Why don’t neo-Nazis have their own advocacy group? Perhaps you can start one.

Now that’s a reasonable conservative.

Posted by scott on Wednesday, July 18th, 2007 at 1:33 pm.

29 Responses to “Michael Fumento Recommends Googling Michael Fumento At Least 3 Times A Day”

Unlike Mr Swift, since I’m no conservative, I let Fumento have it, both barrels.

Left by actor212 on July 18th, 2007

Okay, speaking of movies, Scott, you’re hysterically funny. So’s Mr. Swift. A dozen commenters or more here make me laugh out loud. Norbizness, Roy, TBogg, Tom Burka, the list goes on…so why does every Hollywood comedy look like “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry”? Hah?
By the way, it’s interesting, in a way that Mr. Fumento himself is not, that he objects to the suggestion he seeks more portrayals of “Muslim villains” rather than “Islamic terrorists” by name-checking Clancy’s 1991 novel, in which the bad guys are anti-Peace process Palestinians, or in other words…Muslim villains, not anti-Western jihadists. There’s some German commies and an American Sioux turned terrorist as well. And we all know what kind of lobby they have.

Left by Doghouse Riley on July 18th, 2007

That was hilarious. Thank you, Mr Swift.
Really, all CAIR could have done was hold some press conferences and boycott. If the country wanted Muslim extremist bad guys, they sure as hell could have had them if the free market made it worthwhile. Mind you, the country seems to dig neo-Nazi bad guys a great deal, too, based on the programming of The History Channel, the Biography Channel, and the National Geographic Channel as well as Discovery People or whatever the hell that thing is.
So it’s not like CAIR used its evil Muslim mojo to stop a major motion picture from using whatever bad guys it wanted. The studio decided, presumably based on the projected bottom line, that they could get more people to come see it if it was neo-Nazis.
Remind me why the wingnuts get all squirmy when the free market subjects their views to market forces?

Left by D. Sidhe on July 18th, 2007

Doghouse, my prediction is that Mr Fumento will bitch about Chuck and Larry demonstrates that the homos get all the *good* legal perks, when even the straights are pretending to be them to get in on it, and clearly the only reason the homos want in on marriage is because they’re mean and selfish and stuff.

Left by D. Sidhe on July 18th, 2007

Fumento writes:
I objected to the lack of Islamist terrorists; hardly the same thing as “Muslim villains.”
Because there are so many Hollywood movies where the terrorists are the heroes.
And you’re about as conservative as Arianna Huffington and David Brock.
I’m beginning to wonder if Fumento isn’t the intellectual giant I had mistaken him for.

Left by Mark S. on July 18th, 2007

a kind of inspirational verbal cockring that would allow us all to remain rigid with fear for up to four hours
Bad Scott. Sick twisted Scott. No biscuit.

Left by Herr Doktor Bimler on July 18th, 2007

He used the “aptly named World O’ Crap” line AGAIN! Yeah, ya’ really zinged Scott with that one, boy. I mean, who could have for-seen that someone would twist that name into something insulting!? You’ve become a laughing stock! Better rename this blog right, before you get humiliated even more.
Also someone should tell this guy how ridiculous patrolling around the internet looking for anyone who might be saying bad stuff about his writing makes him look.

Left by Gundamhead on July 18th, 2007

Mark S,
Try reading Fumento as satire –it’s hilarious.
And Gundamhead,
Also someone should tell this guy how ridiculous patrolling around the internet looking for anyone who might be saying bad stuff about his writing makes him look.
I think Mr. Swift did that to our poor “Mike”, but I don’t think Mike got it!
Oh well, more laughs for us!

Left by Doodle Bean on July 18th, 2007

Scott, I’ve got some biscuits. The line nearly caused one of those unfortunate Tab-on-the-keyboard situations, and I really needed that today.
(Anyone who’s been following the saga of my cat, the vet has mostly ruled out the big nasty shit and it might just be as basic as: You stupid bipeds suck at picking out food. Just so you know.)

Left by D. Sidhe on July 18th, 2007

Today’s World O’Carp (isn’t the new name better? Un-insultable) gave me the first good laugh I’ve had in a week. Then Swift’s column was priceless…We should give Furmento a great big Thank You.

Left by Kathy on July 18th, 2007

Left by Mike Fumento on July 19th, 2007

OK, scott, now you’ve done it.Now you’ve crossed a line:

Michael Fumento… desperately trying to hammer his words into a kind of inspirational verbal cockring that would allow us all to remain rigid with fear for up to four hours.

[inhales deeply]
GGAAAAAA-AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH-AAAAAAAHHHHHH-HHHHHHHHHH!!!tehnationaldefecit!!1!
[tearing gobs of my own brain out]
Ow! Ooh! Oofa!
Damnit, scott. When you least expect it, buddy!

Left by Marq on July 19th, 2007

Rats.
Herr Doktor beat me to it… uh, not the most elegant phraseology, ~~but~~ I admit.
(ah, shit,)
And, then I had ti follow Fumento.
Rats.

Left by Marq on July 19th, 2007

You guys think you are all so clever. You had better watch out, these defamatory posts are legally actionable. If you do not desist from dragging my good name through the mud, I will be forced to take legal action. You have been warned.
oooh, looks like someone’s been googling his name compulsively. I suppose it’s easier on the tissue box than other compulsive behaviors

Left by preznit giv me turkee on July 19th, 2007

Warning: If you remain rigid with fear for longer than four hours, consult a physician immediately!!
Was that threat actually from Fume-boy? I may have to drag his name through some mud myself.

Left by M. Bouffant on July 19th, 2007

If the burden of proof is on the fuming one to prove he isn’t an idiot then we have nothing to worry about.

Left by a cranny mint on July 19th, 2007

I had a Fimento sandwich at 7-11 yesterday. It tasted TERRIBLE.

Left by norbizness on July 19th, 2007

You guys think you are all so clever. You had better watch out, these defamatory posts are legally actionable. If you do not desist from dragging my good name through the mud, I will be forced to take legal action. You have been warned.
Just so you all know, that is not Michael Fumento, but a very dry imitation. Kind of like the figures at the hollywood wax museum. They kinda look like the celebrity, but there is just something off about them, you just can\’t quite put your finger on it…something you can almost see, or touch, or hear, but not something you can see, or touch, or hear…

Left by Maryc on July 19th, 2007

Left by actor212 on July 19th, 2007

Actually Scott, you had me at the very beginning with the whole “reasonable conservative” thing. Cracked me right up!!

Left by BeginningToWonder on July 19th, 2007

You know, there’s always something uniquely refreshing about a Michael Fumento takedown. Everything just goes better with it. fu-Mentos — The fresh-maker!

Left by FlipYrWhig on July 19th, 2007

The IMPORTANT thing, people, is that Hollywood “bad guys” aren’t always English, anymore. I can’t stress this enough, people.
(PS–the combination of your and Swift’s writings on the singular Mr Fumento have been epic and hilarious in the extreme.

Left by Britisher on July 19th, 2007

Well, I kind of figured it was Faux Fumento. I mean, nothing quite says “You’re defaming me by suggesting I compulsively Google myself” like, uh, compulsively Googling yourself so you can make legal threats whenever your name is used in vain. Call me an optimist, but it seemed pretty likely he wasn’t *that* dumb. (Is that defamatory?)

Left by D. Sidhe on July 19th, 2007

I know it’s a cliche but that exchange between Fumento and Swift is the definition of bringing a knife to a gunfight.

Left by TomMil on July 19th, 2007

Funmento:
But- but I *didn’t* drag your *good* name, I deliberately changed it so as not to offend you.

Left by Kathy on July 19th, 2007

TomMil: More like bringing a banana to a gun fight.

Left by Kathy on July 19th, 2007

Or, do I mean like bringing a banana to a knife fight? Isn’t that more visually interesting?

Left by Kathy on July 19th, 2007

The IMPORTANT thing, people, is that Hollywood “bad guys” aren’t always English, anymore. I can’t stress this enough, people.
Left by Britisher
Don’t move. We ain’t done with your kind yet, Brit…we’ll git back to ya!

Left by actor212 on July 22nd, 2007

Michael, as Perry Mason pointed out in an episode where someone was making the same kind of threat you just made, truth is a defense against libel and slander in American law.
You really don’t want to go to court and have all the things said about you that you object to are TRUE!

Left by The Dark Avenger on July 22nd, 2007