Rick Moran, the proprietor of Right Wing Nuthouse, is a swinging stag straight out of Playboy After Dark; cool, confident, debonair, desired by women and respected by men. An alpha male with his pick of the pride; a smooth, seductive, irresistible Casanova who won’t abide the company of any dame who fails to meet his exacting standards of pulchritude, even if her presence in his home is brief, and due solely to her guest starring role in a TV action show he obsessively summarizes for his website:
[T]here is something extra special crummy about the performance of Jeanane Garofalo as FBI Agent Janis Gold. I mean really now, are we going to have to put up with Garafolo’s character much longer? Can’t one of Dubaku’s thugs break into FBI headquarters and put us all out of our misery by kidnapping her or simply accidentally discharging his weapon in her general direction? Perhaps my views are colored both by her execreable politics as well as a face even a Pizza Hut owner couldn’t love.
I sympathize, Rick. It must be frustrating; there you are in the middle of 24, watching Jack Bauer torture some crucially important and totally reliable national security data out of a dusky-hued day player, feeling the old rubber hose in your pants finally start to rise…then bam! You see some bespectacled leftist and suddenly you know how that “air dancer” at the used car dealership feels when someone turns off the compressor for the night.
Now, as it happens I’ve seen Janine Garofalo at a number of smaller venues over the past 10 - 15 years, and it never dawned on me that it would be impossible to find her attractive without owning a Pizza Hut, or at least holding a controlling interest in any of the better known nationally franchised fast-casual Italian fare concepts. So I’m thinking it must be her off-screen convictions that deliver the poison pill to the penis, and I agree with Rick that it’s unfair to put women with unarousing political opinions on TV, because sooner or later a man just gets bored with masturbating exclusively to Bo Derek, Patricia Heaton, and Kirk Cameron.
But every time she opens her mouth, I am pulled out of the show and realize that there are few actresses on planet earth who are so bad they actually make you wonder who they slept with to get the part. In Garofalo’s case, we should probably send a sympathy card to whoever that was.
Rick Moran caught in a pensive moment as he mentally composes sympathy cards to Janine Garofalo’s sex partners.
As far as other actresses who should never have been let near a film camera, who could forget the all-time worst performance in movie history – any movie that featured Sharon Tate.
Good point, Rick. Fortunately her career was cut short when she and her unborn child were murdered by the Manson Family. Otherwise, who knows how many performances she might be torturing you with? And when I say “torture,” I don’t mean in a good, stiffy-inducing way.
Tate had a rack that could drop a moose but that didn’t mean she could emote.
Sharon Tate’s is a tragic story, sure, but she’s best remembered today for her moose-killing tits.
Valley of the Dolls – so campy a train wreck that it’s actually fun to watch – featured Miss Tate in various stages of undress that didn’t hide anything. Too bad they couldn’t have hid her inability to act from the world.
Poor Rick. Why can’t his whacking material include Oscar-caliber performances. Is that so much to ask?!
Then there was the statue-like performance of Sofia Coppola in Godfather Part III. No, not statuesque. For a woman to be described thusly, they should have some kind of shape. Unfortunately, Sofia’s rather lumpen body type didn’t cut it. Not even low cut dresses that managed successfully to take our attention away from her face (where her gigantic schnoz threatened to steal the scenes) could salvage what even Andy Garcia couldn’t accomplish; getting a wooden indian to talk back to you.
Where do these Hollywood radicals get off casting Sophie the Boner Slayer in a movie Rick might watch?! Check out the incriminating photos!
Lumpen Body Type Body Type That Cuts It
Finally, there was the performance by Jane Fonda in Barbarella.
Right. The one where she’s nude. What a strange coincidence you picked that movie…
Not a bad actress later in her career, her turn as the futurustic sex goddess was so lifeless you almost wanted to call 911 and have them shock some animation into her performance.
Okay, but I’d recommend you zip up before the paramedics arrive.
A truly classic bad movie in the most awful sense of the genre, the pre-Hanoi Fonda was in a couple of these sex clunkers that passed for soft porn back in the 1960’s. Then, of course, after her betrayal of our POW’s, Jane became a Hollywood star, worthy of Oscar consideration for her turn as a prostitute in Klute. Same Jane, same no-talent, except now she was taken seriously for her “courage” in “speaking out” against the Viet Nam war.
That’s a very cogent point, Rick. Except Jane Fonda went to Hanoi in July, 1972. She won her Oscar for Klute (1971) in April of ‘72.
Don’t ya just love Hollywood?
I kinda do, Rick. But then, maybe I’m just less choosy than you; letting Hollywood off easy because I don’t demand that prime time TV shows, camp classics, and horrifically murdered, but racktastic actresses provide not only entertainment, but also solitary orgasms grunted out on the living room sofa.
Posted by scott on Friday, February 6th, 2009 at 12:05 am