Pearl Harbor for the Christmas Warriors

As s.z. mentioned below, World O’ Crap was recently favored with a visit by Bob Marley, the fearless Christmas Crusader and offspring of a mesalliance between a Jamaican reggae artist and the co-proprietor of a Victorian counting house. Bob posted his comments in a forgotten two week-old thread, which must have been fun since he had the place to himself, and could stay up as late as he wanted, make prank phone calls, and dance around in his underwear to old Bob Seger songs.

And why not? Much like the Democratic Party in the afterglow of the midterm elections, Bob is riding high. He, his brother Alfalfa, and the other guys in the He-Man Happy Holiday Haters’ Club have brought mighty Wal*Mart to its knees, and are about to bomb our educational system back to a pre-Madelyn Murray O’Hair state of grace.

From their impregnable base at www.savingchristmasinmass.com, they labor ceaselessly to ensure that this season we all enjoy a more, shall we say, Cathaginian Peace on Earth; and as they roll on unopposed to…

Oops.

Seems the juggernaut may have hit a bit of a snag. It appears that Bob forgot to renew his domain name.

Domain Name: savingchristmasinmass.com
Registrant
————————————————————
Name: Admin -
Organization: Maltuzi Holdings
Email: admin@maltuzi.com
Address: 800 West El Camino Real Suite 180
City, Province, Post Code: Mountain View, CA, 94040
Country: US
Phone: 650-814-6730

Creation Date: 11/27/06
Expiration Date: 11/27/07
Domain Status:

Maltuzi Holdings appear to be consummate cyber-squatters.  As one dissatisfied customer wrote:

If you came here looking for Maltuzi Holdings, you’re probably wondering what the hell is going on with your domain name.

Maltuzi Holdings picks up domains that others forget to pay for, buy domains that are misspellings of popular domains, and try to plant links to these domains in weblogs and forums. If they are contacted they play stupid better than any other company I’ve ever tried to deal with. Dont even bother trying to talk to them, it’s a waste of time.

Apparently, these guys are professional name-nappers. They lie in wait untill a domain name is free and then grab it–usually on the day the original registratione expires. They also excel in mass-registering deliberately mispelled domains in an effort to steal traffic.

Ordinarily, I’d feel bad for Bob and the rest of his Crusader Rabbits, especially since he probably directed people to his website when (or if) he appeared on Fox News. But since he feels that Christmas belongs in commercial establishments, then surely he also believes that commerce belongs in Christmas, and as any visitor to the new savingchristmasinmass.com can see, it’s fiercely dedicated to the sale of merchandise with a traditional Christmas theme, such as cards, ornaments, and office supplies. Not to mention its many Yuletide links to airline travel, used cars, casino gambling, ringtones, and dating services for Jewish singles.

So I say to Bob, don’t despair! Don’t look upon this as a setback in your campaign, but as yet another way to touch people with the true meaning of Christmas. Yesterday, it was Wal*Mart. Today, the schools. And tomorrow, Real Estate Training and Pet Supplies!

Onward, Christian Soldiers! (Or, more specifically, Onward Those Who Support Our Christian Soldiers, But Feel That They Themselves Can Best Contribute To Our Ultimate Victory In The War On Christmas By Creating Websites And Then Forgetting About Them, But Making Up For It By Posting Comments In A Moribund Thread On Some Obscure Blog.)

Posted by scott on Wednesday, November 29th, 2006 at 6:58 pm.

Lucky for Marley that Maltuzi grabbed his domain name. I had a friend who let his registry expire; some outfit grabbed it the next day and put up a porn site, and told him he could have his domain name back for an ungodly fee, paid in advance. (He ended up changing his domain name instead, cheaper but a huge hassle.) Imagine Marley having to explain THAT to all his religious zealout buddies!

Left by trashfire on November 29th, 2006

That reminds me to make sure my domain name is renewed. I think that’s coming up again soon. Although it seems unlikely it would be replaced with a porn site. Believe me, no one would notice the difference, though possibly in a couple years someone might email to ask why there’s more pictures and where the turkey thing went. (Don’t ask.)
Poor Mr Marley. Some Scrooge has humbugged his monopoly on Baby Jesus. That didn’t come out quite right, but I kinda like it.
Bob, look at it this way: you’re just supporting the free market, and to do otherwise makes you a pinko commie who, really, should be over here celebrating the holidays with us liberals as we socialistically try to provide for demi-Hitler-kittens and kids who otherwise would be stuck with a Talking Jesus doll.
Join us, Bob! Be one with our causes! Or choose your own cause! We’re liberals! We don’t care! All we ask is respect, all we offer is respect. Join us!
*Singing* Du passe faisons table rase… Foules, esclaves, debout, debout! Le monde va changer a base! Nous ne sommes rien soyons tout! C’est la lutte finale, groupon-nous. Et demain L’Internationale sera le genre humane!…
(Correcting my French is entirely respectful. Have at it.)

Left by D. Sidhe on November 29th, 2006

Good Lord, I’m being moderated? What on earth made you guys wait this long?

Left by D. Sidhe on November 29th, 2006

It was the French. WordPress took exception to your provincial accent.

Left by scott on November 29th, 2006

No, it wasn’t just the French, or the accent (although it sounded pretty good to me). It was the sentiment. “Foules, esclaves, debout, debout!” WordPress well knows that such an idea will immediately provoke the scrutiny of the NSA.

Left by Clif on November 29th, 2006

On Some Obscure Blog
ah, far from it. I read this first thing in the AM and several times during the day. I sing it’s praises far and wide, even unto the Great White North (and no, not to any of our great white wingnuts, to actual decent folk)

Left by preznit giv me turkee on November 29th, 2006

War on Christmas rule of thumb: If you really care one way or another whether people say “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holidays”, you are a dork. If you are actually willing to take the time to make a website about it and organize a boycott, you are a mega-dork. That settles it.

Left by Cheerio Ya'll on November 29th, 2006

The whole point of whining if someone wishes them “Happy Holidays” is that the Christmas Warriors don’t want to be treated merely equally with others. If they’re not getting BETTER treatement (their holiday acknowledged, everyone else’s snubbed), it’s a “war” on them.
So instead of “Merry Christmas,” I suggest using the greeting they really want: “You poor, persecuted VICTIM!”

Left by Tara the anti-social social worker on November 29th, 2006

Well, all I can say is if my Target (located in the HEAVILY Jewish neighborhood bordering on West Hollywood) doesn’t start wishing ME and everyone else a “Happy Hanukkah”, I’m gonna declare that there is a War on Hanukkah!

Left by maryc on November 29th, 2006

[...] Original post by scott Tags: Christian Dating [...]

Left by Christian Dating News » Pearl Harbor for the Christmas Warriors on November 30th, 2006

I don’t have anything to add, Scott, I just wanted to let you know that as I was driving home this afternoon I started singing “Implants and Underpants” right out of the blue.

Left by Doghouse Riley on November 30th, 2006

Wow, I’m glad my domain name is self-renewing.

Left by Johnny M on November 30th, 2006

I can imagine ol’ Bob there is Googling his name again and coming across this eruption of interest, and grinding his teeth for the ridicule he’s too chicken to come in and face in real time…
Onward, Christmas molarrrrrrrrs…

Left by actor212 on November 30th, 2006

OK, it was a stretch for a lame joke, but you gotta admit the set up was pretty good.

Left by actor212 on November 30th, 2006

I wish someone would rerun Saturday Night Live’s skit about the night before Xmas and how Santa got food poisoning so his wife called their friend Hanukkah Harry to distribute the gifts.

Left by Serge on November 30th, 2006

As a classicist I must protest: It’s “Carthaginian”, not “Cathaginian.”

Left by Basharov on November 30th, 2006

Surrender, Marley!
We of the Massachusetts website “StopXmas.com” declare victory over Marley and his ilk! After all, if a commander can’t get the support and supply chain right, his soldiers will lose every battle!
No Christmas in MA this year, Marley. Happy Holidays!
(Bwaaa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!)

Left by Sandra Claus on November 30th, 2006

They found a new site. It is:
http://www.savingchristmasinmass.homestead.com/
Wow, check these fools out!

Left by WOX on November 30th, 2006

Gotta love these guys. From their list of Scrooge Stores: “Bed Bath & Beyond hung up the phone on us.” Waaah!

Left by Dr. BDH on November 30th, 2006

That’s nothing! This is what they write about Kohl’s:
“We don’t know what they are doing, there are 17 trees for sale and only one is called a Christmas Tree, the one that is upside down!!! That is completely disrespectful.
Instead of “symbolic” pointing to Heaven, the tree now points to HELL. We are finished with Kohl’s, for the rest of our lives, we will never shop at Kohl’s, the ANTI-CHRIST.”
It really has it all: capitals, insane outrage over something trivial and even entire paragraphs underlined. I think Marley’s been dragging his chains way too long a time.

Left by Sandra Claus on November 30th, 2006

Um. Okay, I’m gonna rescind my offer to Bob to join us liberals in our causes. ‘Cause, from the looks of his site, he’s going to be the guy standing in the middle of the protest with his sign backwards, yelling “Two Four Five Eight, Please Do Not Discriminate!”
We have enough problems, really.

Left by D. Sidhe on November 30th, 2006

Damn, I hate these lunatics. I have this really cool blinking lighted sign with retro style lettering that says “merry Christmas” and I don’t want to put it up because I don’t want any of my wingnut neighbors to take it as an invite to stop by for crazy talk. I’m going to go buy the “happy holidays” and “season’s greetings” signs instead just to piss them off. lol

Left by Carpathian on December 1st, 2006

If you put the Happy Holidays up *with* the Merry Christmas, it might keep them away anyway. Consider “peace on earth”, too. They don’t seem to be into that one.

Left by D. Sidhe on December 1st, 2006

Yeah, good point. I was extremely torn about buying Merry Christmas over Happy Holidays in the first place just because of this nonsense, but the MC is bigger and the script style is more stylin’. If I put up a peace sign and a HH too they’ll know they can’t claim me for their army of unnecessary seasonal confrontation.

Left by Carpathian on December 1st, 2006

[...] Read more: here [...]

Left by Pearl Harbor for the Christmas Warriors :: Newstack on December 2nd, 2006

“That’s nothing! This is what they write about Kohl’s:
“We don’t know what they are doing, there are 17 trees for sale and only one is called a Christmas Tree, the one that is upside down!!! That is completely disrespectful.
Instead of “symbolic” pointing to Heaven, the tree now points to HELL. We are finished with Kohl’s, for the rest of our lives, we will never shop at Kohl’s, the ANTI-CHRIST.”
I once worked for Kohl’s, and while I can’t vouch for their anti-Christfulness or not, I can tell you they don’t give a flying f@ck whether or not you have a Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy Channukah or a wonderful Pagan solstice. Like every other business entity in the universe, they need to make a lot of money during this season to stay afloat, and will do or say anything that helps attain that goal. These idiots can’t see the forest for the trees, and hopefully a well placed branch will bring some Social Darwinism into their otherwise pathetic, myopic lives.
Other than that, Merry Christmas!

Left by mmm...lemonheads on December 2nd, 2006

The Latest War on Christmas Casualty Report

It seems that Bob “These Are the Chains I Forged at Wal-Mart” Marley, the guy who almost single-handedly saved Christmas in MA, Googled himself and found Scott’s post “Have a Coke and a Heil.”  So, he honored this humble blog with some classified war reporting, which we feel compelled to share with a wider audience.  
Take for instance this important WOC manifesto: 

To all you cool-aid drinking secular progressives, I can understand your disappointment, you fought so long and so hard, notwithstanding, we have unraveled in weeks what it has taken years for you to achieve. When we are finished with the stores, the schools are next.

Zounds, despite his inability to spell, this Bob has foiled our carefully laid plan, which we have worked on for decades, to force Wal-Mart to commercialize some other religious winter holidays.  And Bob now has us on the run, for in this country you gotta take the stores. Then when you get the stores, you get the schools. Then when you get the schools, you get the power.  And when you get the power, you get the women. 
Or something like that.
Anyway, Bob also reveals another of his side’s secret plans with this comment:

One more thing, we will be on the Fox News Network tomorrow asking all Christians to crusade with us and knock the seculars’ back into corn-“flake” land where they came from.
Again, Merry Christmas to all

Wow, I wasn’t expecting some kind of Christmas crusade.
[Just then, to the flare of trumpets, in bursts in Cardinal Cratchit.  His empassioned speech goes a little something like this.]

NOBODY was expecting a Christmas Crusade!  Our chief weapon is stupidity…stupidity and bullying…Our two weapons are stupidity and bullying…and a ruthless sense of victimization.  Our three weapons are stupidity, bullying, and a ruthless sense of victimization…and an almost fanatical devotion to being on Fox News.   Our four…no… Amongst our weapons…. Amongst our weaponry…are such elements as stupidity, bullying…. I’ll come in again.

And so on.  But I imagine that Scott may have more to say to his new friend Bob (who is not to be confused with the new kitten Bob, whose only cause is liberating turkeys into cat gullets) — and if so, it will be both informative and full of seasonal cheer.
But speaking of Fox News, Bill O’Reilly is back from his Harvest Celebration vacation, and has already announced his victory over the forces of O.J. Simpson and retail stores, and his martyrdom at the hands of book reviewers and mental health professionals.

While on vacation last week, I cheered the Simpson victory from afar and the return of Christmas to most retail stores in America. Both are big wins for Americans, who believe this country stands for what’s right and promotes positive things like Christmas — a federal holiday that encourages good will toward all people.
Now I knew when I returned to work that the far left secular forces in America would not take kindly to those two victories and to the fact that my book “Culture Warrior” is a huge success. And I was correct. The print press clippings over Thanksgiving show stepped up attacks on me by fanatical SP columnists from coast to coast.
Many of these loons are still denying there is a Christmas controversy –even though one is before the Supreme Court right now.

“Controversy.”  “War.”  They are basically the same thing — and, per Bill, you are a loon or a liar if you think otherwise. 
Anyway, tune in tomorrow when we will be discussing little Ben Shapiro’s latest column on the Controversy on Terror (preview: it will remind you of Annie Jacobsen).  See you then!

Posted by s.z. on Wednesday, November 29th, 2006 at 6:27 am.

And when you get the power, you get the women.
Which power would get me the most female groupies? Clinging to walls and shooting sticky stuff out of my wrists? Or that healing factor that causes you to have broad shoulders and wear no shirt?

Left by Serge on November 29th, 2006

I mentioned this “War on Christmas” stuff at the family Thanksgiving dinner gathering (after the meal so that all were easily overtaken if they tried to escape) and, even from the more conservative folks, there was so much eye rolling that I thought I was seeing a massive simultaneous gran mal event. Maybe it was the stuffing.

Left by Thorlac on November 29th, 2006

Merry Christmas, Bob. Although it’s still November, so maybe a little early for the “Merry Christmassing”, unless you’re just trying to irritate us, which seems fruitless based on last year where we all wished each other Merry Christmas on, you know, Christmas, but also, I believe, other holidays as appropriate. For example, we wished each other Happy Groundhog Day back in February. You know, any excuse for a little good will.
Interestingly, though this site collects a variety of heathens and religious folk of all types, we seem to get along very well. That may have less to do with “cool-aid” drinking and more to do with not using cheerful greetings as bludgeons against each other. We’re funny that way. But, if you think your God wants you to go around turning salutations regarding his birthday into sarcastic verbal weapons, have at it.
Personally, I hope you have a Merry Christmas. And, as a pagan, I hope you have a pleasant Yule. For that matter, I hope all of December is pretty decent for you, because the alternative seems to be wishing you a happy 25th and a crummy 21st, an okay 24th and a depressing 16th-23rd, etc, which seems petty. I’m hoping to have a quite nice Christmas as well, undoubtedly in ways you’d be horrified by, but no matter, you already wished me a Merry Christmas and you can’t take it back just because you now realize you don’t approve of how I do it.
Incidentally, WalMart can say whatever it wants to whoever it wants, I don’t recall actually doing any hard work to make them stop. Perhaps that was the folks at Sadly, No!. It’d fit in with their philosophy. But please be aware that your holiday is so widely celebrated because those of us who are not Christians celebrate it too. Notably, we buy gifts and decorations and party goods. Quite a lot of it, in fact. I assume you support this or you’d make sure you were only wishing “Merry Christmas” to Christians.
The thing is, WalMart might do better sales among non-Christians if it recognizes their existence. Presumably WalMart puzzled that out at some point, which lead to their policy of, well, recognizing the existence of other people. Why give us, the seething non-Christian masses, the credit for a marketing decision by stores? It’s a little silly, really. I guess by the end of the year we’ll know if a larger target market is better than a smaller one. I would assume WalMart will make its decisions next year based on that, because, let’s face it, the company is perfectly willing to make its fulltime employees get foodstamps to supplement their wages; this is a company that pays attention to the bottom line above all else.
But personally, I tend to think that Christmas and the other holidays of winter should be celebrated in some way that brings joy to many people. A banner in the WalMart may not be the ideal way to go on that, but to each his own, I suppose.
So Merry Christmas, Bob. And happy holidays.

Left by D. Sidhe on November 29th, 2006

Since Wal-Mart and other retailers start promoting end-of-the-year indebtedness before Thanksgiving, I always thought they were only boosting their sales pitch by lumping together all the November-December holidays together. If they’re dropping Happy Holidays in favor of Merry Christmas, what will the New Years’ Eve celebrants have to say about this in a year of two? Bill better look into this War on New Years!

Left by Dr. BDH on November 29th, 2006

this site collects a variety of heathens and religious folk of all types
And let’s not forget the atheists among us who can’t wait to set up the Christmas Tree, and to watch the Charlie Brown Christmas special, and Olive the Other Reindeer.

Left by Serge on November 29th, 2006

Generalissimo Marley,
Apologies for interrupting that endless Davey and Goliath tape loop in your head, sir, but I thought you should be made aware of the fact that while it’s possible to pull off such an illustrious campaign as yours against Wal*Mart, the reason is they don’t give a shit about anything except sales, and Wal*Mart is particularly vulnerable to the inbred mouth-breather demo that is Fox News stock in trade. (You’ll forgive the rough language, sir, but it is wartime.) Before attacking the education establishment, sir, you might want to consider that it will be fairly clear to the enemy that the Generalissimo and his troops have never had any use for its products, rendering a boycott useless.

Left by Doghouse Riley on November 29th, 2006

Great blog! You’re right about O’Reilly. He is a lunatic who just makes stuff up as he goes along.

Left by PoliticalCritic on November 29th, 2006

“Heathens” is here derived from “godless heathens”, used in this context ironically. I would absolutely never forget y’all, I have a housefull of atheists. My other categories are “pagans” and “one-godders” (Yes, that includes our Muslim and Jewish friends.)’
I still don’t have a category for Buddhists. Suggestions, anyone? And do you agnostics mind being lumped in with the heathens?
And Doghouse, it is time once again to note that I love you.

Left by D. Sidhe on November 29th, 2006

Psst, s.z., Bob sounds much like old Japanese saying “All your base belong to us”
I wonder if he knows about the “war on Jesus statuettes on SUV dashboards”? That’s still in the planning stages.

Left by actor212 on November 29th, 2006

Pagans, as in “People Against Goodness And Normalcy” according to 1988′s movie Dragnet? Let’s skip the goat dance and move straight on to the virgin Connie Swayle.

Left by Serge on November 29th, 2006

Out of curiosity, S.Z. and Scott, have you guys considered declaring your blog the official front of the War on Christmas? You’ve got the acronym already, after all. Maybe some flashy “WoC” merchandise, a temporary banner, a flash Whack-A-Mole game with Bill O’Reilly and John Gibson….

Left by D. Sidhe on November 29th, 2006

Please, it’s “Kool-Aid”. With a “k”
On a related subject, it’s not “King Vitamin”, it’s “King Vitaman“. It has a second “a”.
I can’t tell you how often I see that one.
As for O’Reilly: Apparently Real Americans hate Native Americans and their heathen rituals.
Although I imagine most Native Americans practice Christmas, it’s kind of funny to me that a tradition brought in and enforced by immigrants is more “American” then traditions created by actual Americans.
I guess Bill eould agree that the Day of the Dead is more patriotic then Halloween, too.

Left by Christopher on November 29th, 2006

These guys are a bunch of morons. If anybody wants to fight a REAL war on Christmas, that is, the economic propaganda festival that the Christmas Nazis are fully buying into, visit our site at http://www.stopxmas.com. Happy Holidays all!

Left by Botch U. Lism on November 29th, 2006

Please, it’s “Kool-Aid”. With a “k”
True, but it wasn’t Kool-Aid mixed with cyanide that the good Rev. Jim Jones and his followers used to reach Heaven; it was grape “Flavor-Aid.”
Is that stuff around anymore?
[Quick Google search]
Why yes, yes it is.

Left by Basharov on November 29th, 2006

But, um, sir, what if we *like* Christmas as an ecumenical consumerist holiday of goodwill and gift scarves and stripey candy and ponies? Frankly, there’s no way to turn back the clock and make you people stop stealing my holiday, so I figure the best solution is to strip it of all exclusionary meaning and put all celebrants back on an equal footing. And, really, consumerism is more or less the only way to do that. It’s what it’s halfway to already, and it’s what Americans, at least, do by default.
(Believe me, if Americans by default went to drunken pear-bobbing rather than shopping, I’d be pushing that to replace the sectarianism. But we really only have a couple of choices, and, knowing my fellow citizens, we probably actually only have the one. Hell, we’d turn April Fool’s Day into a consumerist orgy if someone could just work out the cards.)

Left by D. Sidhe on November 29th, 2006

So, if I want a deep spiritual experience around the birth of Christ, I should lookl for it at….Wal-mart?!

Left by Tara the anti-social social worker on November 29th, 2006

Yes, O’Reilly, let’s celebrate “a federal holiday that encourages good will toward all people” by calling other people “fanatical”, “loons” and “liars”. That’ll get ‘em back into the Xian fold!

Left by millsapian87 on November 30th, 2006

The thing that I don’t get is, how bad are the schools in Lynnfield? For those of you who don’t know MA, Lynnfield is an affluent Republican town, these “boys” are pushing 50 and on top of being a little “off” they’re more than a little functionally illiterate. I know Republican town = no taxes, but a lot of athletes and so on live up there, you’d think they’d have better schools.
Otherwise, good on them for attacking the secularism of the malls. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that after my visit to Santa I was mugged in the parking lot by an entity that look suspiciously like a menorah wielding Grinch. And there wasn’t a single caroller to come to my aid. I’m just saying.

Left by Carpathian on December 1st, 2006

[...] Read more: here [...]

Left by The Latest War On Christmas Casualty Report :: Newstack on December 2nd, 2006

The 2007 GOP Pin-Up Calendar

You can buy it here, and it’s only $25! And, as Ken Mehlman told me in an email, “A longstanding tradition in the homes of our Party’s most loyal members, the 2007 RNC Calendar helps you show your continued support for our cause.” So, I know that you too will want to buy several copies for fear of being branded one of the most disloyal Party members, and being sent to the gulag.

Plus, it’s a nice visual depiction of the raison d’être of the Republican Party: covering up fears about one’s manliness. Here’s Mr. August to demonstrate my thesis:


Another man might have allowed himself to consider the niggling suspicion that the white Marlborough Man cowboy hat was a tad over the top, and that people might get the impression that he was over-compensating for something – but only Dick “Dick” Cheney would dare to combine said hat with a giant soft-focus phallic symbol. And that’s why he’s our Vice President.

While this is a great photo, the other month’s shots are also impressive. So impressive, in fact, that we want to use them for our next ”Caption This” contest, which we are going to start today.

So, if you think you’re man enough, caption THIS!


Best answer wins a digital copy of the June centerfold.

Posted by s.z. on Wednesday, November 29th, 2006 at 4:45 am.

“President Bush Pretends He Can Read.”

Left by D. Sidhe on November 29th, 2006

“On only his third try George correctly decides which object he should be talking into.”

Left by darkell on November 29th, 2006

You mean this is not a calendar you cooked up? ASs Hank McCoy would say, oh my stars and garters…

Left by Serge on November 29th, 2006

“Hmm. Muh ahglasses taste kinda salty.”

Left by Santos L. Halper on November 29th, 2006

Sorry to interrupt the caption contest, but is Bush copping a feel in October?

Left by Steve M. on November 29th, 2006

“Hi. I’m Rula Lenska. Alberto VO-5 Boingy Boingy Spray® keeps my locks sprightly, and only slightly smelling of dead flounder. I also spritz it around my naughties, as it relaxes the kinkiness of pubic hair, allowing me to comb and part it! Get yours at CVS Pharmacy and other fine retailers!”

Left by Marq on November 29th, 2006

Ah think ah saw that perfesser fella on Gilligan’s Island in this pose once. Looks smart. That guy built a radio out of a coconut!

Left by David E. on November 29th, 2006

“Yes Congressman Foley, you make me horny.”

Left by Matt-Man on November 29th, 2006

“Mr. President, you have a phone call…” from the Chief of Police in Buenas Aires.

Left by Dr. BDH on November 29th, 2006

And darkell takes the lead…

Left by D. Sidhe on November 29th, 2006

“mmm, licorice”

Left by preznit giv me turkee on November 29th, 2006

“OK. I switched the phone and the glasses. Does that look better?”

Left by eggy on November 29th, 2006

Proving his criticis wrong, Bush demonstrates for the camera that he can chew on his glasses AND hold a phone to his ear at the same time

Left by David on November 29th, 2006

“Now, now, yer sayin’ that Ah kin git three medium pizzers for $5 each? With one toppin’? That sounds lahk a thumpin’ good deal…what kinda toppins’ kin Ah git?”

Left by actor212 on November 29th, 2006

Mr. Bush apparently thought that he was “on hold” for more than an hour before one of his aides told him that the antique device was for display purposes only.

Left by BeginningToWonder on November 29th, 2006

Presidunce Bush then hung up the glasses and placed the phone over his eyes.

Left by richard on November 29th, 2006

Presidentialating is Hard work

Left by Pixie on November 29th, 2006

“…and so the President, fixing his steely gaze upon objects, unseen, ‘stayed the course’ for the entirety of his seventeen-hours on hold with Dell.”

Left by K on November 29th, 2006

January 20, 2009. Just after the inauguration of President Hillary Clinton, the folly in legalizing warrantless wiretapping suddenly strikes former President Bush.

Left by autonomousgerm on November 29th, 2006

“Legacy, legacy, need a legacy… my left nut for a legacy… hmmm… This is a tough one. Boy. Legacy, legacy — oh, wait, I’ve got it! Get the president of Subaru on the line!”

Left by trashfire on November 29th, 2006

“Hey Condi…what’re you wearing?”

Left by realchesherkat on November 29th, 2006

“Hmm… Harriet was right when she said I should part my hair down the middle to match my 18th century policies. It works for me. I’ll have to ask her what she’d think if I grew a handlebar moustache.”

Left by arghous on November 29th, 2006

“What do you mean by ‘I’ll give you something to suck on’, Dick?”
“‘Exactly’? I still don’t get it.”
“What do you mean by ‘You will’?”

Left by tooloweven4me on November 29th, 2006

“So, you say all yer money’s locked up in a Nigerian bank? And you need a ‘Merican partner to get it out? And I can get a cut of it? Sounds good to me. Here’s my bank account number…”

Left by RobW on November 29th, 2006

“mmm..yes, Dick…mm hmm…I see…can do…I will read it…yes, I will read it…”
meanwhile, in the head….
“…what IS that over there?… what the HELL is that thing over there….as soon as Dick quits talking I am gonna go over there and see what is over in those bushes”

Left by redrabbit on November 29th, 2006

“Whut’s that Laura? A half-billion dollars isn’t a good price for a lieberry? But… But… But… It’s in Peotone! It’s teh Peotone Public Lieberry!!1! Well, um… ‘cos we kin privatize it!
“Hello?
“Hello?”

Left by Marq on November 30th, 2006

Dang- Mommy tole me not tuh clean muh ears out with muh glasses no more- taste lahk
ay-uss…
kinda good, though.

Left by Dalton Periphery on November 30th, 2006

“OK, Jeff, I took off my tie, now you take off your shirt…”

Left by marc on November 30th, 2006

Now first of all, I don’t think dick’s hat is bad in and of itself. If it had, y’know, LIVED a little, had a couple of good creases and bends, had a little dirt on it, some smudges and stuff,it wouldn’t look like a movie prop. And then it might look a little more like it belonged where it is. Now, it looks like it doesn’t even fit.
As for the caption, I was going to riff on the whole “On hold waiting for the Dell service technician” but somebody got there first so I’ll just go now…
mikey

Left by mikey on November 30th, 2006

singing to himself:
“Master of the house
Doling out the charm
Ready with a handshake
And an open palm”

Left by paul on November 30th, 2006

I might need to get one of these calendars. You never know when a good emetic could come in handy.

Left by Clifford the BRD on December 2nd, 2006

A soft sadness descended on the President as he realized that eyeglasses weren’t much good for picking and eating boogers.

Left by montag on December 2nd, 2006

“Hello? Geico?”

Left by Tengrain on December 3rd, 2006

Damn, E.T. made this whole thing look so easy.
Or…or:
Uh-huh, civil etc…Maliki, I’m gonna have to call you back, my 2 o’clock shiny thing wielding magician just came in.

Left by Damien on December 3rd, 2006

GW reflects back on his missing Air National Guard days as he listens to Jenna describe her and Barbara’s Argentine vacation.

Left by Keith on December 4th, 2006

Did I clean my ear with this? Sure tastes like it

Left by Pete Smith on December 4th, 2006

(voice on phone) “…well Sir, as outlined in the report the troop levels are insufficient to sustain that…”
(Bush thinks) “…and if I flick my wrist just like this (heh heh) I can hit Condi on the back of the head, then all the guys can tell me how great a shot I am…”

Left by me on December 4th, 2006

“I wonder if anyone else can smell that one.”

Left by Awesome calender on December 4th, 2006

“Away from their natural habitat and presented with the artifacts of homo sapiens, these majestic simians can appear almost human at moments.”

Left by Joe on December 4th, 2006

“Ah likes talkin’ on the phone. Ah cun day-dream alls ah wonts and don’t have to preten’ tuh be payin’ attenshun.”

Left by LastDem on December 4th, 2006

March Caption:
“I’m thinkin’, see? I’m the thinker President. These glasses prove that I read, then I take off the glasses and I think about what I’ve read. And what I’m `a thinkin’ then tells me what I believe. So my thinkin’ tells my gut what to believe, then my gut tells the American people what I believe. Well, OK, my mouth tells them. But it’s not that hard to understand when you understand the process. Of thinkin’.”

Left by Rodney Allen on December 4th, 2006

Why is this guy going on and on about Iraq? God it’s boring. What’s that out there, it doesn’t look familiar. Maybe I am in Washington. Yes, I must be. When this guy is done talking I am going to go on the Google and have a look at my ranch. Ya, the ranch, no one calls me there, I dig for bugs, Barney never talks about Iraq…ya, the ranch. Oh damn, now this guy is going on about North Korea. Oh wait, it’s not a guy, it’s that woman.

Left by Nick on December 4th, 2006

Rodney-
You nailed it! First he’s the Decider, now he’s the Thinker. That makes sense, if you’re thinking…I mean, think about it…I think thinking is something to think about thoughtfully, don’t you think?

Left by Lisa on December 4th, 2006

“Hey Pickles! This is what thinking looks like.”

Left by Tara on December 4th, 2006

Can I get Katherine Harris in a bikini? Or that shot of her on a horse?
How about Mean Jean on all fours?

Left by Biggus Diggus on December 4th, 2006

“If you would like to make a call, please hang up and try again…”

Left by RedStateLib on December 4th, 2006

“Yes Mr. President. Riding your bike without falling off IS worthy of a “Mission Accompished” banner. I’ll send a Fox News reporter and a banner right over”!

Left by Rude and Blue on December 4th, 2006

Hey, Pickles! This is what thinking looks like.

Left by Tara on December 4th, 2006

I had ribs for lunch.
Stay classy Iraq.

Left by James Johnson on December 4th, 2006

“Hello, Operator? I need you to connect me to the Internets! I’m trying to reach the Google.”

Left by Pile on December 4th, 2006

Thinkin’ hurts, better bite on somethin.

Left by Bob on December 4th, 2006

Hmmm. Condi’s wearin’ a thong… Niiiice…

Left by Stuart Studebaker on December 4th, 2006

“Now where did I put that fart joke book…?”

Left by Tony on December 4th, 2006

“Big Mac…large fries………….small Coke.”

Left by tbob on December 4th, 2006

Thinkin bout stuff.

Left by Bat Guano on December 4th, 2006

[...] Link [...]

Left by GIGANTIC DWARF » Blog Archive » GOP Calendar on December 4th, 2006

When I bite the arm of some eyeglasses I’ve never been seen wearin’, it makes muh look all integellent. Heh heh heh.

Left by rail on December 4th, 2006

bush’s newest plan against wire tapping before your 30. abstain from speaking.

Left by rasta on December 4th, 2006

“You say a plane just hit the second tow… – wait, i got somethin’ stuck in my teeth”.

Left by peter on December 4th, 2006

I sure do wish I coulda had the hat. Dick looks all Cowboy-like. Maybe if I bite down real hard…that’s it.

Left by Dave Clements on December 4th, 2006

am i a top, or bottom?

Left by j on December 4th, 2006

How hard can it be? I told you them butt pyramid videos are gittin old! I need FRESH wankin’ material!

Left by smirkh8r on December 4th, 2006

What time did you say Sesame Street was on?

Left by Al on December 4th, 2006

hmmm…where are my damned glasses?

Left by normanx on December 4th, 2006

What month is Reagan’s corpse?

Left by Bleu Demon on December 4th, 2006

“This business about graceful exit just simply has no realism to it at all.”

Left by Brett on December 4th, 2006

I’m a little teapot, short and stout…

Left by Kevin on December 4th, 2006

The president takes a moment to review all his options before a key decision. Ultimately, spaghettios would win the day.

Left by Americahater on December 4th, 2006

President Bush puts warrantless wiretapping to good use by listening in on a conversation between Nancy Pelosi and Rahm Emanuel discussing the democratic strategy, which meets the Bush Administration’s criteria for a terrorism plot.

Left by Libflopper on December 4th, 2006

Knowing what to say was much easier when I had that transmitter strapped to my back during the debates with John Kerry. Where did I leave that thing?

Left by Mark on December 4th, 2006

March is appropriate for Bush, since he’s crazier than a March hare.

Left by jurassicpork on December 4th, 2006

HHHMMMM…Old “Dead Eye” Dick Cheney just invited me to go hunting…. Ya know, with a face full of buckshot from a “hunting accident”, I may just get that surge in popularity I have been lookin’ for…..

Left by rdca on December 4th, 2006

Go to the website and order a negative quantity and your credit card will be reimbursed money! Try it!!

Left by Bob on December 4th, 2006

Hey Dick, I’m wearing that thong you sent me for Christmas last year!

Left by Ray on December 4th, 2006

“Now, now, yer sayin’ that Ah kin git three medium pizzers for $5 each? With one toppin’? That sounds lahk a thumpin’ good deal…what kinda toppins’ kin Ah git?”
Left by actor212 on November 29th, 2006
Actor212 For The WIN!!!

Left by xPTCx on December 4th, 2006

“Gotta go, I think I see some brush that needs clearing.”

Left by B Brigham on December 4th, 2006

Yes Mother, I’m listening.

Left by WJM on December 4th, 2006

“Hello and welcome to the automated response system of HOT MILITARY STUD .COM. For Jeff Gannon press 1…”

Left by Hollywood Markvs on December 4th, 2006

I’ll show them that I am a serious thinker with this photograph…

Left by tab on December 4th, 2006

“I will NOT go back to being Janice Lester!”

Left by B Brigham on December 4th, 2006

The photographer, after having spent the better part of 3 hours removing the frames end piece from the inside of the presidents nose, finaly used the “stunt hands” to hold the props and get the picture he needed for the calander…

Left by slacker on December 4th, 2006

[...] That’s Vice President Dick Cheney, pardners, looking all manly and traditional values-y, and NOTHING, I repeat, nothing, like some 5-deferment-taking pussy from the Vietnam era, in the 2007 RNC calendar. [...]

Left by Suburban Guerrilla » on December 4th, 2006

Why am I so fuckin’ dumb??

Left by Tom on December 4th, 2006

President Bush: Talks on Phones…Bites on Glasses…Does other smart people stuff!
This needs made into an action figure PRONTO.

Left by datcracka on December 5th, 2006

“My, these glasses taste good in my mouth…. I wonder if I could sniff ‘em.
I need something to help me when I speak with mother…
Fucking Photographer. “

Left by Yo, E Rocks! on December 5th, 2006

God, is that you…I need to talk to you about the war you told me to start.

Left by r on December 5th, 2006

“Hello, Dick? Just got off the phone with Nancy Pelosi and she suggested we request to be buried face down when we die…I don’t understand what she means by that?
Oh, I see, that DOES make sense. So we can see where we’re going.”

Left by BlueVelvet on December 5th, 2006

Hmm. I wonder what that there squirrel is doing? He’s just sitting there by that fence. And what’s up with the white hat? Must be compensating for something. What a strange squirrel. Oh wait. That ain’t no squirrel. That’s Dick.

Left by squirrel on December 5th, 2006

i guess with the coming year the republicans will need something to remind them of the happier times when bush was king and the world was all loving stars and smiles for the leader of the right wing world. missing are pictures of rove, rumsfeld, santorum and on and on. i can see them sitting at home staring longingly at these images.

Left by willie on December 5th, 2006

Wow, You really can order negative quantities! I think I just found my get rich quick scheme.

Left by Dan on December 5th, 2006

Always thinking: In the western white house, glasses double as toothpicks.

Left by boil on December 5th, 2006

“Man, they don’t make straws in glasses as big as they did… I’ll stay the course and suck harder. “

Left by me on December 5th, 2006

errrrrkk….squeeeeeeeee…crackle….whistle………squeee………buzz. ‘Heh, heh, Dick Cheney’s got a recording of C3PO on his answering machine. I never knew he was such a fan. Geez, this is taking a long time, let me check the number. Let’s see Dick Cheney (f) 555-1212. Yep, f for fone, I got the right number. Well, I guess I had better wait, no sense cuttin’ and runnin’ now, I’ve got 2 hours invested in this call.

Left by Nick on December 5th, 2006

Voice On Phone: “… and thank you for calling ‘Fart Joke Of The Day.’ Your number will be billed $3.6 billion, as is customary for recorded joke hotlines. Call again tomorrow for another hilarious fart joke! pFffFtt!”
The Decider-In-Chief: “Ah-heh. Ah-heh-heh-heh! He, y’know, blew one! Doggies, if that ain’t HI-larious! Jeeee-HOsephat! Heh! Ah-heh-heh-heh! SquEEeeEE-alllll!!”
Subcaption: “The defecit, explained.”

Left by Marq on December 6th, 2006

“Wait a minute. Ah’m the Decider, an ah’ll decide if we’re winnin’ in Iraq or not.”

Left by CliffHanger1 on December 6th, 2006

obama’s middle name is Hussien, umm.

Left by mr t on December 12th, 2006

[...] SZ tells us where we can pick up our very own GOP 2007 calender. [...]

Left by Political Kicks » Blog Archive » Get your GOP Calendar right here on December 14th, 2006

[...] SZ tells us where we can pick up our very own GOP 2007 calender. [...]

Left by Political Kicks » Blog Archive » Get you GOP Calendar right here on December 14th, 2006