The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

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Sunday, February 20, 2011


As Scott pointed out yesterday, the Whine on Christmas has already begun.

In fact, just today I got an email from the American Family Association asking me to boycott BestBuy until the chain stops being respectful of all the holidays celebrated this season, and honor only the one true winter holiday: ExploitingWorkersForJesusDay.

In this email, the AFA brags how it brought Wal-Mart to its knees (thus trying to steal the glory from that guy and his brother in MA who really forced the Mom-And-Pop megalith to capitulate to the Baby Jesus), and asks us to send a message to the BestBuy board along the lines of “You got a nice little electronics chain there; it’d be a shame if it got buried under an avalanche of whiny form emails.”

Also, the Liberty Counsel has announced that they’ve started their Fourth Annual “Friend or Foe” campaign (“We pledge to be the ‘Friend’ to those entities which do not censor Christmas and a ‘Foe’ to those that do”). This year, they even have buttons (“I heart Christmas” and “I helped to commercialize save Christmas”) to compete with the AFA button featuring the Virgin Green Goblin and the Holy Snowball.

Yeah, it’s beginning to look a lot like stupidity.But despite all the annoying attempts to make me feel like smacking somebody, I still love the season. It’s nice to have a time when we can give in to our inclination towards generosity, kindness, and compassion.Along those lines, I got a call last night from the woman who runs that well meaning but inept shoestring animal rescue group that I mentioned before. She said that the animal shelter in her county (the poor, rural, stupid, George Bush-esque county next to mine) had incarcerated some very tiny kittens that had been separated from their mother, and were going to die, since the lone shelter worker couldn’t give them the care they needed (unfortunately, she knew that I had experience in handraising orphan kittens, because I had told her that I did). I said that I would drive out there this morning, and I would pay the fees and take the babies home with me and care for them, if they were still available, and then we’d worrry about finding them homes later. Well, it turns out that they had already died, but I did see cages full of dogs and cats all mewing and barking for attention, many of which were probably going to be put to sleep this weekend because they’ve had their week in the shelter and nobody wants them. (I know I don’t have to tell you guys this, but PLEASE heed the works of Bob Barker, and spay and neuter your pets).I did sign up to take an older female kitten that was still alive and unspoken for — she will now be given shots, treated for ear mites, and spayed if she is big enough, and I can take her home Monday or Tuesday. (Hey, Bix and Kit were neutered on Friday, so I guess I can handle a new kitten now.) She has a black Hitler mustache under her nose, so I’m thinking of naming her Bill O’Reilly. (Just a joke, Bill — I would never do that to a defenseless kitten.)I am thinking about also taking home an unattractive but very friendly adult cat who was picked up as a stray after she kept trying to get inside a warm house that wasn’t hers — she won’t be available for adoption until Tuesday, so if she is still there Tuesday, I’ll probably take her.

Anyway, I was thinking that that would be my one act of charity for the season, but then I heard about Anntichrist S. Coulter’s campaign to get treatment for her friend Lee, and decided that it wasn’t enough to be kind to the animals, that I should also try to be kind to some deserving humans this year. So, instead of buying some new gewgaws or technotoys for my spoiled, undeserving nieces and nephews, I will get them each a good book or something from the dollar store, and will donate to Lee’s fund, once it is all set up. If you can do something similar (or, even better, give to Lee’s fund AND buy crap for my undeserving nieces and nephews), that would be great. The link to the blog for Lee is here: For Lee

So, maybe you too should boycott every store that doesn’t treat you like the god that you are, and save some of that “It’s Christmas, damn it!” dough for worthy causes, like Lee, and unattractive adult cats.

23 Responses to “Fa-La-La-La-La”

Man, you don’t see the Jews, Muslims, or Kwaza-celebrators acting like a bunch of spoiled brats over this crap. I wonder why that is?
I continue to be amazed at your patience and generosity, S.Z.
And to the jackasses at Liberty, please be aware that when I caught your press release I elected to go to Best Buy, rather than Fry’s, to buy my copy of Harvey Birdman 2, and a couple of cartoon sets and fishy computer games for the older of the young relatives. You people can’t spend your budget on something to help people or make people happy rather than something to tear the nation apart, screw y’all.
S.Z., you rawk like all hell. I can’t tell you how touched that I am that you included Lee in your big-as-all-outdoors heart and your blog.
Thank you. And I mean that from the bottom of my charred, gnarled, shrivelled lump of coal that I call a heart.
And can I mention often enough how much D.Sidhe rawks as well? Those cranes were one of the most wonderful surprises that I’ve ever gotten, ranked right up there with S.Z.’s autographed copy of “Better Living Through Bad Movies.”
Honestly, this is one of those times of the year that I’m grateful to be an atheist, ’cause thix x-mas thit gives me the hives. And I’m staying as far as Wally World as possible, mostly ’cause I can’t drive yet, but still — I was going to order something off of their website for my great-nephew Damien (I shit y’all not, and I had nothing to do with that naming!!!), but then I decided to go with the frenchmen at Tar-jay.
And yes, I’ll be blogwhoring my wide, white, gelatinous tattooed fanny off the minute that I can drag Susan (the woman who has basically adopted Lee and given her a home) to the damned bank. I’m probably going to have to kidnap her from work to get it done, but by damn, we’re going to get it done!!!
Thank y’all so much, as always.
Even when I’m a terrible commenter and flake out for months at a time, y’all still treat me like family (okay, not like MY family, but how S.Z. treats her growing menagerie family). I hope y’all know how much that means to me.
Love y’all.
Before I forget. I also apperciate what you did for those animals.
A question to those groups like Liberty Counsel…if they’re really so hell bent on getting into heaven (pun intended), why pour so much money into defending the commercialism of Christmas rather than directing budgets towards helping a suffering innocent? Does loudly trumpeting the battle cry of Christmas earn more “god points” than some little old thing like saving a person’s life?
I’m pretty sure Anntichrist and s.z. looking better in God’s eyes (if you believe that kind of thing) with their genuine compassion than those who think the only way to heaven is with a bullhorn shouting “Merry Christmas” and a shirt covered in “I heart Christmas” pins.
Hmmm, might there be some kittens under the Xmas trees of your nieces and nephews? Perhaps right next to colorfully wrapped copies of “Better Living Through Bad Movies”? Yeah! I picked up a new kitten this week also from my local shelter and named him Kingfish. Of course Sapphire wasted no time fitting right into her role as the dominatrix in his life, though I think that when he gets to be full-sized (and tutored!) it will be Payback Time. Thanks for the tip about where to shop this year, s.z., though I hardly needed any more reason to avoid Walmart. And Annti, I am very happy to contribute to the fund for your friend. I wish her and you all the best.
You da man. So to speak.
And if the cat’s got that attribute, do upload a picture to
She can be famous!
[...] ranked right up there with S.Z.’s autographed copy of “Better Living Through Bad Movies.”
OK, I realize that saying this is admitting to not getting The Book as of yet, and that this makes me a bad, bad, bad person. Granted. I am an asshole. Or bastard, if one prefers (see scott’s Batman part 4 thread above). But, how does one obtain an autographed copy of Better Living Thru Bad Movies? Are there any left, ‘cos I’d love to obtain one of those rather than the generic book all by its self? [should there be a question mark there, or a period? I just don't remember all that much from high school English, other than the difference between to, two, and too. And their and there. And crap like that]. I was seriously considering getting several copies (um, 3), with some earmarked for x-mess giving and one for me, but it was looking as if my so-called budget would only allow for two, and I was having a hell of a time deciding which friend would luck out and get it. No, I could not give both copies to my friends–I get one, and that’s not negotiable! Not. Negotiable.
And, so, as is often the case when I make plans for something nice, WHAM, I found myself in Hospital. It’s bad enough to end up there when you have some procedure planned, as was the case with Annti. But it really, really sucks when you go to bed, everything seems fine, and you wake up in the ER, and in piss-poor condition, too. Gawd, I hate the ER. [spit! patooie!!]

So, of course, I made the mistake of admitting to my nephrologist that I have a lovely, detailed, near-foolproof suicide plan, and that I had been kicking the idea around about utilizing it. While they didn’t quite put me in the psyche ward, I did get a nice session talking to a psychiatrist, with a promise to seek one out on the outside, as WELL as a therapist or therapists. Also, a yummy prescription for anti-depressants [which conflicted nicely with the shit I'm already taking for a variety of things, so we stopped those in a hurry. I'm getting a prescription for something else on Monday].
So, all this shit is not only taking up more of my precious blo-reading time, it’s taking up more of my extremely limited funding. Not happy about that. Really, really not happy. At the moment, everything looks like a steady slide downhill from here. Perhaps the new happy pills will level my attitude, but I dunno. I’m so used to being this way that I really don’t know how I’ll end up dealing with it if the Cloud O’ Gloom™ lifts at any point in the future.
So, therapy. Wheeeeee! I fucking HATE therapy. But, on the other hand, I do like love to complain. Bet they’ll get right sick of that pretty quick. Heh.
So, don’t worry too much about me–I’m considering it, but the outcome of suicide [my ego ceases to exist] is a truly rotten factor–hell, I’d consider hell a better outcome. See? Atheism saves lives! If things get much worse for me, it’s gonna start to look a lot more appealing, though. So, we shall see. And, perhaps the therapists can get me to convince myself to become a happy-go-lucky naif or some such. Then, I’ll be really irritating.

email s.z or me your address, and we’ll get you a signed copy.
Marq, darlin’, I’m so sorry that you’re going through so much hell, and I do truly hope that you feel better soon.
But no, you don’t get off easy. Nope. If I have to survive all of my badly-clusterfucked attempts (that would make the Keystone Kops look like CSI), you’re stuck here, too.
No, it’s not fair, but neither is life. You’re stuck here with us, like it or not. And don’t make me get all yenta on your ass, ’cause I’m running in Full Yenta Mode these days, and while I could never catch you at a full run, I can throw a four-way tire-tool like a fucking boomerang.
Never fuck with a woman who carries her own tire tool.
So there are your orders. Git goin’. And report back here soon, or we’ll send out a posse that will make Lust In The Dust look like a fucking Susan Powter-Does-Disney cartoon!!!
Ranty Aunty Annti
You can borrow my stickynote, Marq. It says, “You are irrationally depressed. Doing anything about it would be, by definition, irrational.” It’s helped for the last three years of substandard medication, if you can imagine.
Anyway, if you off yourself, Sadly, No! will be that much closer to suck. Your presence helps tip the balance away from “infested with trolls” to “Sure, there’s trolls, but that’s not the point.”
(This view might conflict with the troll-baiting mission statement of Sadly, No! but I don’t care. Trolls annoy me.)

Would some cranes help? Send me your address (hdsidhe at gmail), and, um, then wait a couple weeks until I can get to the post office. (My partner left for Hawaii today, I don’t drive, and I’m too lazy to bother with the busses with boxes.)
Yes, I’m serious. I don’t know why I always have to tell people that, but I do.
Marq – I’ve found that medication helps lift the Cloud o’ Gloom ™ just far enough so I can really enjoy being depressed. Like now – I’m unemployed, eating pizza I can’t afford to buy and drinking beer that I shouldn’t be drinking what with my meds and all at 3 AM – and I don’t give a flying f**k! oh, and listening to a nice steady rain, one of my favorite things. So you see, it’s not all suicidal thoughts and self-loathing.
D. Sidhe – that saying is going on my fridge.
Thanx, Annti and D. Sidhe. I appreciate the good thoughts. I don’t think I’m in any great danger of snuffing myself right now, but I am going through some pretty astonishing mood swings. and if you bottom out and try (with any degree of competence), well, that’s it. Game over, man. And my plan is really well thought out. It’s really very “good” and foolproof. And, most importantly, once it’s put into action, there’s no way in hell anyone could stop it… not even me. So, obviously, it’s not something I could do as a “cry for help” or anysuch. I’d post it, but it’s really pretty bleak and depressing, and I don’t think many of us here need any additional depressing. So, I’ll skip the details for now, suffice to say that it’s as close to 100% effective as I could think of, and I’ve been plotting this for years at this point. Assuming I could manage to do a couple of things, it’s practically guaranteed to work.
As it stands, I’m planning on sticking around through my birthday next month since it’s a “powers of eleven” one, and I irrationally enjoy those for some reason. Then, I wanna do my usual New Year’s Eve celebration, featuring me and the best bottle of champagne I can scrape money up for. I lurves me the bubbly, oh yes. After that, things become a bit more nebulous, though I kindawanna see the rest of “Lost” and “Spider-man 3,” which brings us up to May. By then, I’m sure there’ll be something new I’m looking forward to. And, as I said, perhaps the therapists can get me to talk myself out of this, though I suppose they can’t accomplish much if I don’t set up the initial appointment. Feh.
Oh, and scott, thanks for the lovely offer! Though it seems to be a gratis offer, I simply must pay for it–you and Shari worked hard on that tome, and i just wouldn’t feel right just taking one. If you insist, I shall have to buy maybe a couple via your Amazon link (so you get that extra pittance) to use a fine gifts this holiday Christmas season.
In any event, I’ve been hovering here since about 8pm, and I need to get up at 9am for anti-neuropathy meds (fun!), so I gotta log off and go to sleep. G’night, everyone!

Dear Marq, I know that place very, very well having experienced it from, as one might say, both sides of the couch. Buffalo Gal is spot on about meds – no pill makes the world right again, but they can help you cope with it. I take Effexor and find that it works well for me, but they are developing new meds all the time, and everyone is different. And finding the right therapist can take some exhaustive searching but is worth it. Oh, and I think those cranes sound wonderful! Here’s wishing you all the best, Marq, and much love, BTW.
I do insist. I’m just like that; it’s my stubborn side, I get it from my father. Please email me your address.
Obey the Scott! Send him your email address NOW! See, we are hoping to use your testimonial to the healing effects of our book as part of our marketing plan for when we take the book to a major publisher. (Marq says: “I thought that the world was a dark, bleak place until I read ‘Better Living Through Bad Moves,’ with its summaries of horrible movies such as ‘Water World’ and ‘Red Dawn.’ Now I realize that there is good in everyone and everthing, and each day I wake up with a smile on my face and the goal of punching out Kevin Costner.”
Seriously, we really hope that you get feeling better. You’ve had some good advice from the commenters here. I don’t have any to add, but I would like to say that you MUST stick around for your birthday, because I know that Ann Coulter is planning on giving you an especially lovely photo of herself for the occasion.
Well, I got a bag fulla anti-depressant samples today, a whole month’s supply, not too shabby (hi, Buffalo Gal!). Sadly, this is the second try already–the first ones had bad side effects or drug interaction (I practically don’t eat food anymore). So, hopefully this new stuff will deign to let me walk, ‘cos that other stuff was questionable in that regard.
I also just remembered something in the future that I kinda want to attend (assuming I can afford tickets–which I should–I get a wee bit of “mad money” toward the beginning of the year, and yes, that is another reason to live). They’re holding Yearly Kos ’07 practically in my back yard! So, I can commute and not concern myself with hotel expenses. Sadly, this means no liquor! Drat. Well, if I get drunk, I’l probably wind up hitting on our Grand Overlord and Poobah, Kos, and that’d be darned embarrassing. Especially if his wife’s around.
Hey–if I go, maybe I could be the not-exactly-live correspondent for WO’C or Sadly, Nein! And, I mean “not-exactly-live” as in I don’t own a laptop; that weren’t a suicide reference. Feh, S,N! will probably get Dan Someone to report for them, with his superior writing and joke-crafting skills. Damn his eyes (with me, as the late Marty Feldman said, “Too late!”)!
I need some larfs. I should go see “Borat,” except I doubt that will make me think any better of my fellow Americans.
Thanks, everyone, and an e-mail headed your way later tonight, scott.

It probably won’t cheer you up, but it took me two years and more than ten meds and med combinations to find antidepressants that worked, and it’s still not great, but at the moment okay enough to not make me want to go see a shrink to get it fixed. I loathe shrinks and am just trying to talk my neurologist into Cymbalta for the migraines (and not incidentally the depression).
The no booze thing is important, most antidepressants can damage your liver anyway, and apparently booze just makes it worse.
Good luck with it, Marq, and remember it takes a few weeks to start working, so no Vince Foster shit, okay?
In Defense Of Shrinks: After 25 years in the business, I am fully cognizant of how many really bad mental health workers (psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers, therapists, counselors, etc. ad nauseum) are out there and I also know how bad the bad ones can be. But two things to remember are 1) there are also many really good ones, and some very good ones who do wonderful work; and 2) even some of the bad ones manage to help people sometimes. That point #2 took me awhile to figure out. When I was new to the business, I was quite the purist and tended to be impressed/disdainful about where someone studied or what methods they used. It didn’t take too long, thankfully, to knock me off my high horse. Because the essence of psychotherapy is interpersonal, the key is to find someone you can feel comfortable relating to, someone to trust. Not an easy task, I know, but it’s worth it.
I really love the fact that you are so kind and caring to the little babies out there :) I used to volunteer at an animal shelter, but I had to quit after a week because I kept bringing everything home. It was really shocking how people just throw their animals away like they are garbage. I couldn’t imagine this world without my kitties and puppies, they’re all so unique and I’m glad I got the chance to give them the love they deserve. :) Thanks again for all you do!!!
Woot‽ I knew there was a reason I should read the fine-print on the anti-deoressant package!!1! Damnit, alcohol is one of the few reasons I have left to live!1!! Not the hangovers, mind you, but the alcohol. Damn, damn, damn!!
Coming in kinda late, but I’ll suggest a name for the kitten: Godwin (a real conversation stopper).

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