The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

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Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Farewell, Molly Ivins

Ever since the beginning of the Iraq War, I’ve suspected that the Grim Reaper was a Bush Pioneer, since the whole enterprise makes no sense except as a sort of war-profiteering boondoggle for Death, Brown & Root.
But if any further proof was needed that the Grim Reaper is a Republican, Molly Ivins has folded up the chess board and gone on to greener pastures. Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, last I looked, was still not lying in a plot of his native soil, pushing up crabgrass, or deadly nightshade, or poison ivy, or whatever it is that would actually be able to grow on top of his grave.

Selfishly, I was hoping Molly would linger with us long enough to see Bush leave office, in whatever way he eventually does — upright, feet-first, in handcuffs, under cover of night, in a tumbril, or hand-dipped in creosote and lightly dusted with marabou feathers. But I’m glad she lived long enough to see the Democrats take control of Congress and Dubya’s Presidency auger in like an incompetent cropduster. And, not incidentally, the bulk of her own words sweetly vindicated.

Farewell Molly and Godspeed. You’re the only thing from Texas I can truly say I’ll miss.

Posted by scott on Wednesday, January 31st, 2007 at 11:54 pm.
See Molly Ivins at her satirical best in a video called “The Dildo Diaries”…here:
Thank you, Scott.
It was beautiful, and truly worthy of the lady herself. I’m just a little too… verklempt. Molly was like a fairy gawdmutha to me — all the things that I would’ve wanted in a mother, if I’d had one.
And when it comes to things/people from Texas that you oughta miss:
Janis Joplin
Barbara Jordan
Stevie Ray Vaughan
Bill Hicks
Ann Richards
And now, the smartest woman who ever wielded a rapier-sharp pen, Molly Ivins.
Hey, they ain’t much to be proud of, those whack-jobs next door, but they’ve managed to fire-off a few good ones here and there.
Thank you, Scott. Everything I don’t know how to say.
Goddammit, though. We really needed her around longer. And wanted her. Much longer.
Someone say something funny quick, because as Molly used to say, you can laugh, you can cry, or you can throw up, and two of ‘em are bad for you.
If it helps, and I know it doesn’t much right now, Texas still has Jim Hightower.
Somewhere, out there in the ether, you made her laugh, I’d wager.
THAT’s the guy about whom she commented, “If his IQ gets any lower, we’re gonna have to start watering him twice a week.”
So many great lines… So much great writing… Such an amazing woman. I’m still in shock. Can’t admit that it’s really true yet.
Seems like we lost one of our anchors to reality, a link to what this country was supposed to be about.
This really, really sucks. When ya gotta go, ya gotta go, but there were so many other people who flat-out deserved to leave before Molly Ivins did. Any of us here could name several dozen of those bastards, who, when they pass shall remain unmourned, so I won’t… nnnggghhh–Kathleen Parker! Why is she still breathing, and Molly isn’t? It just isn’t fair! Nor is life, damnit. Gee, and the anti-depressants had just started working for me. Damn!
P.S. — Is that Death up there, from Bergman’s “The Seventh Seal?” Or is it Joe Lieberman?
I would miss Anna Nicole Smith. Or at least the old photos of her, let’s put it that way.
I am just heartbroken. Not only as a longtime fan who’s read practically every word she’s published… not just because Molly’s writing was spot-on, not just witty but exhorting us to fight like hell for what’s right…
That’s enough in itself. But the one time I got to meet and spend some time with Molly, she was warm, welcoming, and took as genuine an interest in me as I did in her. This doesn’t always happen, obviously, when someone famous meets someone who isn’t, but Molly Ivins was just the type of mensch I’d hoped she’d be.
May the memory of Molly Ivins endure as a blessing.
I met her at a book signing once and am grateful that I had the opportunity to say Thank you for all that you do. She was very gracious and sweet, and I adored her. As a fellow native Texan, I especially appreciated her love of our home state which she said she considered a “minor perversion.”
Loved her, loved her, loved her.Trying not to cry at work. It does seem unfair.
Not to harp on the Texas thing, but I would suggest you add John Henry Faulk to the list: He was something of a mentor to Moly Ivins and a successor to Will Rogers, who we would claim as our own if we could get away with it.(He lived in that little state to the north.)
Sorry about all the assholes. I hope Moly and the others made up for them a little.
just knew that there would be other fans of Molly here- been following her work since she had a column in The Nation, back in the depth of the Reagan Darkness. Her greatest gift to us was her unfailing heart for the fight; she didn’t scare worth a damn.
Brilliant, tough, good clear through to the bone- this world is so much poorer today.
But you know she wouldn’t want anyone to get despondent about this- “Cheer up, dear hearts” is what she always said.
It is a sad day in The Lone Star State. We have lost a good friend.
And if you don’t like Texas, you can kiss my ass.
[...] Fittingly, the blogosphere currently abounds with tributes to Ivins. This one is my favorite so far: Selfishly, I was hoping Molly would linger with us long enough to see Bush leave office, in whatever way he eventually does — upright, feet-first, in handcuffs, under cover of night, in a tumbril, or hand-dipped in creosote and lightly dusted with marabou feathers. But I’m glad she lived long enough to see the Democrats take control of Congress and Dubya’s Presidency auger in like an incompetent cropduster. And, not incidentally, the bulk of her own words sweetly vindicated. [...]
My favorite Molly Ivins line:
On the occasion of the passage of the Texas Sodomy Law, the two main sponsors gave each other a high five. The response? “Hey, stop that! It’s now illegal for a prick to touch an asshole in this state!”
So sorry to see her go. Truly one of the best ever. I don’t generally get worked up over people I didn’t personally know passing, but this just about broke my heart. No matter how down I’ve been about the current state of affairs, she could always make me laugh out loud and make me feel that as long as we keep our perspective, sense of humor, and never surrender, the bastards can’t beat us down.
Steve Earle – a tireless warrior in the battle against unjust imprisonment and capital punishment. He’s a good thing from Texas.
Marq, to go back to Molly’s infamous, “Some people just NEED killin’! debacle — the list is too long to even start.
But I’d wager that she’d have started HER personal list with GHWB, “carpetbagger extraordinaire.”
Here’s hoping that she’s out there in the ether, drinkin’ margaritas and sending flaming balls across the firmament, aimed right at GHWB & Biggus Dickus’ respective (if not respectable) heads.
Hey, just ’cause I’m an atheist doesn’t mean that there ain’t ghosts.
So, I shut off my computer for a few days, just to take a break from using it, and one of the first things I read is THIS?
Aw, crap. That’s all I can say. That, and I’m sorry to be so late in joining all of you in expressing my sorrow at losing a truly funny, truly brilliant woman.
Don’t any of YOU go leavin’ yet!
[...] Fittingly, the blogosphere currently abounds with tributes to Ivins. This one is my favorite so far: Selfishly, I was hoping Molly would linger with us long enough to see Bush leave office, in whatever way he eventually does — upright, feet-first, in handcuffs, under cover of night, in a tumbril, or hand-dipped in creosote and lightly dusted with marabou feathers. But I’m glad she lived long enough to see the Democrats take control of Congress and Dubya’s Presidency auger in like an incompetent cropduster. And, not incidentally, the bulk of her own words sweetly vindicated. [...]

Today’s Academy Award Nominees, Tomorrow’s Downloadable Porn

My friend Laura, with whom I’ve worked on a few bad movies, has developed the bizarre habit of sitting through every film nominated for an Academy Award, regardless of category. Needless to say, this is a very self-destructive pastime, sort of like signing up for a week at the Bataan Death March Dude Ranch. But as she stoically sucks up Andorra’s official entry in the Best Foreign Film category, the lavish Basque language musical, Goats A’Poppin!, she distracts herself by predicting the inevitable porn versions of each year’s most honored motion pictures. This season’s crop includes such distinguished films from the San Fernando Valley as:

Little Miss Slutshine

The Pursuit of Happypenis


Pam’s Labia Rinse

Notes on A Sanchez

An Inconvenient Poot

The Queef

Butt Pirates of the Caribbean:  Dead Man’s Muffiny Chest

Half Nelson…All Man


The Breastige

The Curse of the Golden Shower

Plus films that fit the porn paradigm without any change in title required:

Little Children
Happy Feet

Any other suggestions…?

Posted by scott on Wednesday, January 31st, 2007 at 1:42 am.
Notes on A Sanchez
Good one, but ewww! That’s one I don’t think I’d rent.
Letters From Ima Screama
I went to last year for some ideas:
Mrs. Henderson Puts Out
Sexron: The Hardest Guys in the Room
Good Night, and Good Fuck
My Hairy Prone Companion
My favorite of all time: “Yank My Doodle! (It’s a Dandy)”
Yes, there was really a porn flick with that name.
Then there was the gay porno flick called “The Rear Admiral” – yes, that one was real, too.
My all-time favorite real porn titles were, Genital Hospital and For Your Thighs Only.
Never used it (although an actor adopted the character name), but should’ve:
[i]Rambone: First Buttsex Two Parts[/i]
Worst Concept For Porn Parody:
[i]The Texas A!!hole Massacre[/i]; runners-up [i]The Camp Cuddly Pines Power Tool Massacre[/i] and [i]The Texas Dildo Masquerade[/i]
Current Box-Office & Coming (ha HA!) Soon:
[i]Epic Nooky
The Deflowered
Smokin’ Asses
Night At The Cheapest Shooting Location We Could Find Where There Were No Cops Around
Alpha Doggiestyle*
Freedom F!!!ers
The Last Pimp Of Scotland
Porn’s Labyrinth
Live Free & F!!! Hard[/i]
*Okay, not too proud of that one. (Should I be proud of any of them?)
…wait, shouldn’t that be [i]Fappy Heet?[/i] Or perhaps just [i]Fappy Meat.[/i]
…Stupid HTML.
(BTW, those Texas Chainsaw Massacre parody titles are real, not ones I made up.)
I always liked Edward Penishands myself.
I’m not usually that good at this, but Letters from Iwo Jisma comes to mind…
Thank you. I’ll be here all week.
The Pursuit of Happypenis
Wouldn’t The Pursuit of a Penis suffice?
(There’s an old joke about Charles de Gaulle’s wife being asked what she valued most in life, responding in English to the consternation of her audience, and being told, “Madame, it is pronounced ‘appyness.”)
Gang-bangs of New York
Drilling Miss Daisy
Another real title of which Anon’s reference to Edward Penishands reminded me involves a monster portrayed by a guy in a Boris Karloff mask with way-oversized rubber hands that he puts to good use: Spankenstein.
…Hmmm. I guess there IS one form of spanking I don’t want to see outlawed after all.
Oh, what a coincidence:
How about “Swiving Miss Daisy”? It’s a little archaic, but that adds to its charm.
You missed a golden opportunity for some man-on-man film action:
An Inconvenient Pouf
Might I suggest an animated feature: “The Loin King”.
Perhaps also the dramas “Howard’s Rear End”, or “Pulp Friction”.
Lassie Come Home

D'Souza: The Tequila Strikes Back!

Like a fishmonger trying to pull a fast one, Dinesh D’Souza attempts to pass off yesterday’s scrod as fresh by wrapping it in today’s newspaper.  In the Sunday Washington Post, he essentially spews the same piece he published last week in the LA Times, and which we gingerly poked with a stick here.  But he covers up the rancid flavor by heavily salting the corpse with tears of self-pity:
In the pages of Esquire, Mark Warren charges that I “hate America” and have “taken to heart” Osama bin Laden’s view of the United States. (Warren also challenged me to a fight and threatened to put me in the hospital.) In his New York Times review of my book last week, Alan Wolfe calls my work “a national disgrace . . . either self-delusional or dishonest.” I am “a childish thinker” with “no sense of shame,” he argues. “D’Souza writes like a lover spurned; despite all his efforts to reach out to Bin Laden, the man insists on joining forces with the Satanists.”
“…and then, and then he made fun of the leopard skin rug in my office, and then he shoved me head first into a trash can behind the cafeteria, and then him and some other guys pulled my pants off, and they threw ‘em onto the roof of the natatorium, and I had to get the custodian, and then when he was pulling my pants down with one of those poles they use to open the windows in the gym, my pants turned inside out, and my puffer fell out of my pocket and somebody stepped on it!”
And in my recent appearance on Comedy Central’s “The Colbert Report,” I had to fend off the insistent host. “But you agree with the Islamic radicals, don’t you?” Stephen Colbert asked again and again.
My, that does sound like a low blow.  Or it did, until I rewatched the segment on Crooks and Liars (the exchange starts at about :05:00):
COLBERT:  And you have the courage to say that, right?  That you agree with some of the things that these radical extremists are against in America.
D’SOUZA:  I’m more concerned –
COLBERT:  Are you — Do you agree with that statement?
D’SOUZA:  Well, no, I’m…I’m…
COLBERT:  Do you agree with that statement?
D’SOUZA:  I agree with it.

Personally, I’d be a little more outraged at Colbert’s impertinent suggestion that D’Souza concurs with Islamic radicals if D’Souza hadn’t, you know, said he agreed with them.  (I know the right wing depends on Good Ol’ American Historical Amnesia about things like Vietnam and Watergate, but I think Dinesh is pushing the load capacity of the Memory Hole when he expects us to forget things that happened 10 days ago.  Which were captured on tape.  And posted on the interwebs.)  And perhaps other wingnuts should take a lesson from Dinesh’s experience:  If you go on a comedy program where the host plays a blowhard conservative who pretends to agree with your ridiculous premise while taking it to its logical conclusion, then maybe you shouldn’t be so shocked when he doesn’t sit back like the Sunday talking head hosts and let you fill the room with your stale outrage like carbon monoxide in Thelma Todd’s garage.  Better yet, maybe you shouldn’t go on comedy programs at all, if you’re only going to get tweaked when you realize a week later that they were making fun of you.
Why the onslaught? Just this: In my book, published this month,
…and available on remainder tables everywhere…
I argue that the American left bears a measure of responsibility for the volcano of anger from the Muslim world that produced the 9/11 attacks.
Dinesh goes on to regurgitate his charges from last week about how during the Carter and Clinton years (and he’s right about how memory can play tricks on you — I’d forgotten their terms were consecutive, having some fuzzy hallucination of another couple of guys shoehorned in the middle there), America dressed all slutty, and danced suggestively at the roadhouse, and so we kinda had it coming when a group of men who firmly believe in traditional values decided to teach us a lesson on top of the pinball machine.
The reaction I’m eliciting is not entirely new to me. As a college student in the early 1980s, I edited the politically incorrect Dartmouth Review and was frequently accosted by left-wing students and faculty. They called me names back then, too.
Names like, “Distort D’news.”  Via Media Matters:
As an undergraduate in the early 1980s at Dartmouth College, D’Souza gained national notoriety as co-founder and editor of the conservative newspaper The Dartmouth Review. During D’Souza’s tenure as editor of the Review, according to a September 22, 1995, article in The Washington Post, “[T]he off-campus newspaper [The Dartmouth Review] published an interview with a former leader of the Ku Klux Klan, using a mock photograph of a black man hanging from a campus tree, and ‘outed’ at least two gay students.”
Oh Dinesh, you puckish iconoclast.  Way to stick it to the man!
But the personal attacks have reached new heights with “The Enemy at Home.” So much so, in fact, that I feel compelled to explain why I wrote this book, what it does and doesn’t say and why I think it prompts people to threaten me with hospitalization.
Ah, he’s going to do his own Shorter Dinesh D’Souza.  Excellent.
First, and I feel silly having to say it: I don’t hate America.
…I just hate 60 percent of the people who live in it.
Immediately following 9/11, there was a wondrous moment of national unity in which the American tribe came together. “Why do they hate us?” some wondered, but no one wanted to comprehend the enemy — only to annihilate him. And I shared this view.
…Still do, in fact.  Well, at least about the Enemy at Home.  Which just happens to be the title of my new book, now 50% off, and available from a table in the back of Borders, next to the pile of discounted 2007 cat calendars.
But five years later, that unity has dissolved amid a furious national debate over the war in Iraq and the war on terrorism.
Some people have realized that these are two separate things, thanks to that meddling national debate, and despite our efforts to conflate them.  Even worse, they’ve realized that the failure of the former has hamstrung the latter, and my wondrous national unity is melting, melting…what a world, what a world…
I thought it was time to go back and reconsider 9/11; in so doing, I concluded that the prevailing conservative and liberal theories explaining Muslim rage were wrong.
…because if I can pin 9/11 on the liberals, then that will mean they’ve inflicted a more serious wound on the body politic than George W. Bush has with his septic war in Iraq.  And all those sneering attacks from the right wing on people who tried, shortly after 9/11, to grasp the terrorists’ motives, who tried to understand “why they hate us” never happened, understand?  They are no longer operative.  Because now that we know that the terrorists don’t hate us, they just hate the Blue States, it’s okay to muse about their motives and even to publically approve of them.  Amazing the distance we’ve traveled in just a little over 6 years, isn’t it?  As another immigrant and noted foreign policy thinker, Yakov Smirnoff, famously observed, “What a country!”
Contrary to the common liberal view, I don’t believe that the 9/11 attacks were payback for U.S. foreign policy. Bin Laden isn’t upset because there are U.S. troops in Mecca, as liberals are fond of saying. (There are no U.S. troops in Mecca.)
Well, you got me there, Dinesh.  Still, I can’t help wishing that I had a passing knowledge of recent history, because something about that statement sounds kinda hair-spllitting and evasive…
Marking the end of an era, the United States will soon withdraw about 7,000 U.S. military personnel from Saudi Arabia and terminate a significant military presence there that lasted more than a decade, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld announced Tuesday.
Many Saudis resent the presence of U.S. forces in the nation that is home to Islam’s two holiest sites, Mecca and Medina, and some–including Osama bin Laden–had used this as a justification for terrorism.
But it’s not like when Reagan Clinton withdrew from Lebanon after the Marine Barracks bombing in 1983, or when Clinton pulled out of Mogadishu in 1993 (damn he gets around).  George Bush only yanked our forces out of Saudia Arabia because he’d been ordered to by a bunch of inbred, muumuu-wearing religious fanatics he occasionally likes to hold hands with.  So it’s not like there was anything pussified about it.
He isn’t upset because Washington is allied with despotic regimes in the region. Israel aside, what other regimes are there in the Middle East?
Who could possibly be upset by our hopping into bed with despotic regimes?  That’s as crazy as your wife getting mad when she finds you in bed with a hooker; it’s not your fault she was out of town for the weekend.  Love the one you’re with, man.
Contrary to President Bush’s view, they don’t hate us for our freedom, either. Rather, they hate us for how we use our freedom.
Because freedom is like the “Sword Thrusting Will Turner” action figure from Pirates of the Caribbean.  Once you take it out of the plastic, it completely loses its collectibility.

When Planned Parenthood International opens clinics in non-Western countries and dispenses contraceptives to unmarried girls, many see it as an assault on prevailing religious and traditional values.
And when Western NGOs object to female circumcision, they might just as well be flushing a Koran down the toilet.  It’s a simple equation, liberals: you’re either with us, or you’re with the foreign clitorises.
When human rights groups use their interpretation of international law to pressure non-Western countries to overturn laws against abortion or to liberalize laws regarding homosexuality, the traditional sensibilities of many of the world’s people are violated.
“Violated” is too mild a word.  Can you imagine how traumatized it makes people with traditional values feel when you cook up some loony “penumbra” or “emanation” from international law that prevents them from stoning a raped woman for adultery, or burying homosexuals alive?  That’s the kind hurt that just doesn’t go away, you heartless bastards.
One radical sheik even told a European television station a few years ago that although Europe is more decadent than America, the United States is the more vital target because it is U.S. culture — not Swedish culture or French culture — that is spreading throughout the world.
To sum up:  If Sweden made better action movies, we wouldn’t be in this mess.
What would motivate Muslims in faraway countries to volunteer for martyrdom? The fact that Palestinians don’t have a state? I don’t think so.
Neither do I.  As long as you don’t count all those Palestinians suicide bombers over the years.
Even as the cultural left accuses Bush of imperialism in invading Iraq, it deflects attention from its own cultural imperialism aimed at secularizing Muslim society and undermining its patriarchal and traditional values.
Sure, we’ve lost over 3,000 American troops in Iraq, and roughly 600,000 people have died there as a result of George Bush’s invasion, but you people made Dukes of Hazzard!
And anyone who would undermine the patriarchy probably has the effrontery to walk around with an intact clitoris.
All my arguments can be disputed, but they are neither extreme nor absurd. So why has “The Enemy at Home” been so intemperately excoriated? I can imagine only two reasons. The first is given by James Wolcott himself. I am not, as he says, an unqualified right-wing hack. Rather, I am a scholar at the Hoover Institution at Stanford University, so Wolcott fears that I will be taken seriously.
Of all the fears that may awaken James Wolcott in the wee dark hours of the morning, I have a feeling this particular one ranks just below, “going birdwatching and getting pecked to death by Marshmallow Peeps.”
The second reason can be gleaned from the common theme in the reviews: that mine is a dangerous book. But if a book says things that are obviously untrue and can be disproved, then it is not dangerous — it is merely fiction and should be ignored. A book is dangerous only if it exposes something in the culture that some people are eager to keep hidden.
A third possibility is that a man who thinks that having his name on the voice mail menu at the Hoover Institution makes him a “scholar,” also thinks that critics who call a book bullshit do so because it’s dangerous, and not because it’s, you know, bullshit.

Posted by scott on Sunday, January 28th, 2007 at 5:05 pm.
32 responses to "D'Souza: The Tequila Strikes Back!"
His whole silly “chickens coming home to roost” bullshit reminds me of that asshole Colorado professor that was famous for a few minutes after 9-11 for calling the victims little Eichmanns. Dinesh:
Planned Parenthood:Islam::Hitler:European Jewry
D’Souza, like so many other of his right wing pundit pack, illustrate in crystal clarity the degrees to which class priviledge can elevate a mediocre mind in this society.
Seeing him on the Colbert bit it was clear he’s merely projected his schoolyard experiences to the big field. There! I wrote a book and you’re in it and its all your fault! There! Hey! Stop grabbing my book bag! Don’t push me down…I…I…I can write in sentences you know!”
Yeah, he showed us didn’t he? Tough guy he is.
So glad that you attacked this little turd and his whiny, self-important crap. And his book is not dangerous in the slightest, unless “dangerous” has suddenly become a synonym for “disgusting.”
Two things:
1. Why do these rightwingers go on Colbert’s show and then wonder that it didn’t go well and they weren’t treated with respect, etc? Do they watch the show at all? Do they really think they can think on their feet faster than a professional comedian who’s dealt with hecklers his entire careers?
2. Why does DD think he can say wildly insulting things about liberals without them getting upset about it? “I just said you were responsible for 3000 deaths, what is the big deal? That is no reason for you to be rude to me! Geez, you liberals! You really are responsible for all those deaths, though. What? What did I say?”
Those are good questions, jpj, and I don’t have the answers to them. But I have a question of my own: Is this sentence:
Bin Laden isn’t upset because there are U.S. troops in Mecca, as liberals are fond of saying. (There are no U.S. troops in Mecca.)
the most rhetorically bankrupt statement ever written in an opinion column for a major newspaper, not counting obvious candidates such as the WSJ or Jonah Goldberg? Actually, this sentence contains so many logical fallacies that I am willing to bet that Dinesh snuck into Jonah’s office while Jonah was in a Cheetos daze and stole it. It’s got Jonah written all over it: Here’s an argument no one has ever made, which I refute with a non-sequitur, and therefore show that my opponents are irrational. It almost has a strange beauty in itself.
Here’s an argument no one has ever made, which I refute with a non-sequitur, and therefore show that my opponents are irrational. It almost has a strange beauty in itself.
I thought exactly the same thing, Mark. It’s almost like a Zen koan. Coined in bad faith. And a drunken stupor. By the world’s most obnoxious monk.
To sum up: If Sweden made better action movies, we wouldn’t be in this mess.
Not enough explosions in The Seventh Seal for you? Philistines. Go back to Philistinia.
That was brilliant, Scott.
This is my favorite bit from you:
Of all the fears that may awaken James Wolcott in the wee dark hours of the morning, I have a feeling this particular one ranks just below, “going birdwatching and getting pecked to death by Marshmallow Peeps.”
And this is my favorite bit from nutjob D’Souza:
The second reason can be gleaned from the common theme in the reviews: that mine is a dangerous book.
I believe the appropriate response to that goes like: I slap at mosquitoes, too, asshole, whether they’re carrying malaria or are just annoying.
Dishwater D’Stupid’s claims to “dangerousness” are utterly ridiculous, primarily because, to be “dangerous,” someone, somewhere would have to take his “argument” seriously enough to take action, based on it. To date, this would be exactly no one, not even Dipstick himself. Ding-dong’s book is about as “dangerous” as a deflated balloon being kept in the deepest recesses of a sock drawer, buried under dozens of pairs of socks. And, even that is more dangerous–a child could choke on the balloon if she found it in there, or it could ruin a pair of socks when its latex broke down and it stained them. Yes, that’s our Dum-dum–less dangerous than a stain.
Doodah D-Souse writes: “I am a scholar at the Hoover Institution at Stanford University,”
He is the very model
of a modern major scholar
At the Hoover Institution
of the Stanford University
His scholarship is on his sleeve
and fraught with mediocrity…
Take it away, Bill S!
Also, he polished up the handle so carefully
That now he is an author at Regnery!
(I know. But Random House didn’t fit and I’ve been up forever.)
I continue to believe, for the record, that conservatives are stuck in some kind of time warp in which all punditry and political speech is declaimed at whistlestop tours. Because they sure don’t seem to understand, ever, that what they say will be made note of, and that when they lie about it six weeks later, someone out there has that record. It’s genuinely baffling. They’ll stand and lie about never having said that, despite the fact that they should know damned well it went out on the radio or TV or they wrote it themselves to be published in a magazine or paper. And it’s not just guys like Trent Lott and Dick Cheney, it’s people like Rush Limbaugh and Bill O’Reilly. Shouldn’t they understand the nature of their business? How is it possible they’re always so outraged when Media Matters *quotes them accurately*? And how in the face of that do they have the sheer idiocy to continue to deny it?
I have this thing I do when people call to talk us into changing our phone service: I insist we do not have a phone. This always leads to a great deal of confusion on their part and amusement on mine, but the thing is, I’m not Rush Limbaugh. I don’t actually *believe* we have no phone. I *know* I’m lying. And, incidentally, if they announce that this call may be recorded blahblahblah, I just hang up. But again, it’s not my job. Even a politician should know–or at least assume–that everything he says in a public place will be recorded. But Bill-O damned well ought to *know* it so deep it’s instinctual.
And, just so you know, Dinesh, we’re also crushing Canada’s uniqueness with our freaky pop culture–ask about movies and TV, if you want a rant. We’re even exporting homophobes and creationists and gun nuts, which seems like the height of bad manners, and they still haven’t shown any interest in blowing us up. (And don’t say they couldn’t–they’ve got a way bigger budget and far more natural and industrial resources than Al Qaeda does.)
It might be worth asking what we’re doing or not doing to Canada, and France, and England, and Mexico, and India, for that matter, that is *different* from the assorted terrorists and insurgents.
Unless of course this new “figure out what’s motivating the terrorists” thing is just a con designed to enlist fanatical murderers in your cause of scaring the liberals into staying quiet while you guys decide whose rights to strip away next.
So it is liberal Americas pusing its liberal values that they hate us for? Well then are they hating us in Iraq for bringing democracy? So then we should leave so they will stop hating us? Hey DD did you just advocate us leaving Iraq? But then again you say that will embolden the terrorists if we leave? Make up your mind. Youare not dangerous, you are pathetic. As soon as the right is done with you then you will be dropped like a bad habit. This guy is the next Ann Coutler (the republicans were in bed with her as long as it was usefeul but when her real crazines came out they got away from her, leaving her the bitter old maid seh is). I used to believe in listenning to the right (and even had some common opinions and if not at least I heard their facts and ideas) but idiots like this made me have to choose, between being a thinking rational person, or a mindless cog of a irrational machine. And also their facts were made up junk, I mean when you got to make up facts and put out all the lies they did, how good can your arguiument be. Are they are any conservatice institues not chalked full it nuts who cannot get a real job (for obvious reasons). I mean if these guys had to put their book through something like peer review (like sceintists or historians) they woudl never get published!
If anyone from Stanford is reading this:
D’Souza has just given us Cal alumni another reason to laugh at the Junior University.
Sever your ties with Hoover, or remain a laughingstock.
Chris Vosburg, if I might…
He is the very model
of a modern major scholar,

He churns out books that justify the wingnut welfare dollar.
At the Hoover Institution
of the Stanford University,

He parries slings and arrows cast by liberal diversity.
He decries in tones refined (he won’t resort to thuggery)
Enemies at home who love abortion and love buggery.
His scholarship is on his sleeve
and fraught with mediocrity…

He’s so dangerous he might be forced to drink hemlock like Socrates!
“Alan, nobody likes a sarcastic wimp.”
-tabloid source’s advice to Alan Alda on the old SCTV network show
Let’s see if we’re within spitting distance of the truth here: somebody at Random House was foolish enough to contract for this thing under the Random House imprint instead of any of hundreds of others they have available. Did they imagine they were getting a scholarly Ann Coulter? Did they have him confused with Deepak Chopra? We will probably never know.
But now they’re stuck with A-list promotion, and somebody books him on Colbert. I can only assume the booker had never met D’Souza in person, or else was fired by cell phone about one minute into the interview. Here’s a guy whose only combat experience is lobbing long-range artillery at cardboard targets and suddenly he’s in the tiger cage with the fastest gun in the business. And he’s not just depantsed, he winds up admitting he agrees with Osama bin-Laden. Wow. Were there reports of mass aorta explosions at Random House that day?
Because if there weren’t our time would be better spent trying to find out who’s actually bankrolling the Madame Nhu of the Naughts and his chocolate-coated turd of a book. In the interim, at least we know whose Op-Ed pages are available to other media conglomerates in need, don’t we? Okay, okay, like we didn’t know before.
Thanks, Flip, for rescuing my clumsy metering, and well done!
I argue that the American left bears a measure of responsibility for the volcano of anger from the Muslim world that produced the 9/11 attacks.
He’s right, of course: we let those numbskull neo-cons run rampant instead of locking them up and throwing away the key…
Proof that D’Souza is exactly the right wing hack he protests being is his constant conflating of some vague concept of a cultural left with a political left (aside from the issue of whether there even is a cultural left as he characterizes it). In fact, D’Souza’s entire schtick is just extreme religious fundamentalism vs. the reality of American secular life, and I hate to break it to him, but the majority of this country, i.e. the “enemy” at home, has yet to embrace his theocratic ideal. In fact, , a majority of even his fellow Catholics supports “cultural leftism” like contraception, legal abortion, and stem-cell research—in other words, most Catholics are a lot more like Nancy Pelosi than Dinesh D’Souza.
Or take D’Souza’s ludicrous assertion that it’s the cultural left that is the bad angel whispering in Congress’s ear Cut off the funding. Block the increase in troops. Shut down Guantanamo Bay. Lose the war on terrorism — and blame Bush. With this crap, it’s clear that the “enemy” isn’t secularism, or a liberal culture at all. Like his soul-mate Ann Coulter, D’Souza’s enemy is simply anyone whose politics he disagrees with.
What strikes me about D’Souza is that he adds up apples and still concludes oranges. Actually, he is adding up apples and concluding, not even oranges or any other kind of fruit. He is concluding 1967 Impala.
“And what is that? It is that the far left [that's me] seems to hate Bush nearly as much as it hates bin Laden.”
check. The key word, for me, is nearly, but I’ll concede the basic point. But then I tend to hate mass murderers whose names begin with B.
“Bin Laden may want sharia, or Islamic law, in Baghdad, they reason, but Bush wants sharia in Boston.”
Well, maybe Leviticus, particularly that stoning stuff.So check. Suspension of Habeus Corpus, anybody? Torture?
“Indeed, leftists routinely portray Bush’s war on terrorism as a battle of competing fundamentalisms, Islamic vs. Christian.”
Well, if we are talking about Bush’s War on Terrorism as opposed to a sane, competent president’s fight against terrorists. Something about appealing to a higher father and talking to God? So, Check.
“It is Bush, more than bin Laden, they say, who threatens abortion rights and same-sex marriage and the entire social liberal agenda in the United States.”
Well, last I looked, it was Bush and not bin Laden who went around appointing Supreme Court Judges. So, gotta check on this.
“So leftist activists such as Michael Moore and Howard Zinn and Cindy Sheehan seem willing to let the enemy win in Iraq so they can use that defeat in 2008 to rout Bush — their enemy at home.” 1967 Impala. How the hell did he get here? Last I heard, Bush can’t even run in 2008. Oh, and the War on Terror and the War on Iraq equation. Nice one, Dipshit. The whole article ends not with a bang but in a non sequitur.
You know what I love about Sword Thrusting Will Turner? Not only does he have KungFuGrip,which allows him to “grip” his “sword”….and not only does his other hand have “partner hip handling” action”…he’s also got quite the package!(Oh, look at the pic again and you’ll see what I mean)
And, I quote:
“Squeeze Will’s legs together for a sword-jabbing attack!”
I’ll bet!
I wonder what happens when you spread his legs apart?
What would motivate Muslims in faraway countries to volunteer for martyrdom? The fact that Palestinians don’t have a state? I don’t think so.
So in his world it doesn’t make sense to die so that your people have their own state, but it does make sense to die for Janet Jackson’s booby.
I am not, as he says, an unqualified right-wing hack. Rather, I am a scholar at the Hoover Institution at Stanford University
There’s a difference? Who knew?
Even professors start out as adjunct or assistant professors, in time may get to be associate professors, and then, with luck, become full professors and then emeritus professors.
So I’m absolutely POSITIVE that Hoover’s personnel department has a job description known simply as “Scholar.” Suuuuuure they do.
“In the pages of Esquire, Mark Warren charges that I “hate America” and have “taken to heart” Osama bin Laden’s view of the United States. (Warren also challenged me to a fight and threatened to put me in the hospital.)”
Mark Warren ain’t the only one who’d like to pound on this ratfaced, cowardly putz. Is there a sign-up sheet somewhere?
Liberals hate his book because “it’s dangerous”? Dangerous like a big pile of dog s***t in the middle of a sidewalk.
Scott writes: “A third possibility is that a man who thinks that having his name on the voice mail menu at the Hoover Institution makes him a “scholar,” also thinks that critics who call a book bullshit do so because it’s dangerous, and not because it’s, you know, bullshit. ”
There’s a certain familial similarity between this defense and the one that sniffs, hey, they laughed at Columbus too, and look how right he turned out to be.
Yes, as Carl Sagan reminded us, “they laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
Immediately following 9/11, there was a wondrous moment of national unity in which the American tribe came together. “Why do they hate us?” some wondered, but no one wanted to comprehend the enemy — only to annihilate him. And I shared this view.
Wrong. There were in fact many of us who said, “Wait–let’s figure out what makes these guys tick so we can handle them better!” or “Sure, Bin Laden’s a nutcase, but how did he manage to manipulate 20 guys into killing themselves for him, not to mention all the folks who helped them out? Let’s make sure we don’t accidently give Bin Laden more ammunition to use against us!” And we were villified for “rationalizing the attack” and “making excuses for the terrorists” and “blaming America!” And I’m sure Dinesh shared that view, too.
Does Dinesh not remember liberals and Democrats being accused of wanting to offer “therapy” to the terrorists instead of just bombing them into oblivion? Did he miss the arguments about “they hate us for our freedoms, so shut up about foreign policy already”? Now, all of a sudden, Dinesh wants to do the therapy and figure out why people in the Middle East hate America.
And Lo and Behold! It’s the liberals! See, if they’d let us ask these critical questions 5 years ago, we could have had invaded Hollywood instead of Iraq.
I think one important issue that isn’t really being addressed is that our cultural exports are a part of our national grand strategy for global hegemony. During the Cold War, conservative as well as liberal presidents, administrations, and congresses advocated the diffusion of American culture across the world. The whole point was that we wanted to propagandize and show the world just how throughly thrilling the American experience was.
He’s basically repudiating 50 years of across-the-aisle political posturing and Cold War strategy.
He isn’t just in bed with the terrorists, but the communists as well. What a wonderfully contrived straw-man he has become – it’s like he’s trying.
The thing D’Souza’s not putting together, if he’s trying to argue that “Radical Islam” only hates western liberals for their supposed moral degeneracy, but not conservatives (which WOULD be mostly true if not for that pesky theological business about how claiming Jesus is half-a-god is blasphemy because the god of Abraham [Ibrahim] clearly states “you shall have no other god before me”…sorry dudes they hate you too) is what some of us have been saying for years…Radical Islam and Conservative Christianity have more in common with one another than than either of them has with the values of democracy, freedom, justice, equality or just the plain old fucking golden rule. Oh and BTW the average muslim on the street, since most bougie conservative honkies have never met one, is just a regular schlub like everybody else whose too busy trying to make ends meet to think too much about the big picture, so he just goes along with everybody else in his society. Sound familiar?
As an Indian, I’m completely and utterly disgraced by the likes of Dinesh D’Souza. He’s basically a White ass-kisser who looks down on his own race/people. This man has no self-respect and never spares an opportunity to take a dig at his own fellow Indians, Indian government, Hindu religion….anything and everything that must please his White masters….fucking toad.
Whatever India might be today; poor, third-world, etc. etc. we don’t need certification from the likes of Dinesh D’Souza. OK you made your own life better by moving to US, and calling yourself an American…all the power to you.
Mr. D’Souza don’t ever fuck with real, patriotic Indians – we’d be only too happy to knock your teeth down. As had happened with certain members of Australian cricket team when they tried to bully Harbhajan Singh…a hot-blooded Sikh. Wimps and sell-outs like Dinesh D’Souza certainly don’t represent authentic Indians.
And one more thing, Mr. D’Souza…fuck you. Go and kiss some more White ass.

Law & Order: Treachery and Dirty Tricks Division

Wow, the Scooter trial has gone all “Law & Order” on us even faster than I thought it would! As the NY Times headline writer put it, “At the Libby Trial, Hints of Intrigue and Betrayal.” For it seems that Scooter’s lawyers are claiming that “White House aides had sacrificed him to protect Karl Rove” and that said aides “deliberately set … Mr. Libby up to be a scapegoat.”

Of course, the defense hasn’t yet explained how these nefarious officials forced Scooter to lie to FBI and DOJ investigators, but I’m sure that will come out in day two or so.

As you may recall, in our L&O scenario, we had the character based on Scooter being shot in the court house before he could testify against Dick Cheney — but with real life giving us such a cracker jack opening scene, our plot seems too tame now. And, given L&O’s recent penchant for ripping from at least two different headlines for each episode, our story probably isn’t complicated (or lurid) enough to get aired.

So, your challenge is to come up with your own plot for “Law and Order” — you need to start out with the Plame case and trial of Scooter Libby. but then you need to mix in some other recent news item for that special L&O twist. Here are a couple of examples.

1. Scooter/Brittany Spears dropping her baby and later showing off her lack of undies. Plotline: Somebody leaks the name of an undercover terrorism expert to the press, thus killing Jack Bauer and forcing everyone to sit through 24 hours of Jack’s funeral. A senior White House Official lies to the intestigators about it, and is prosecuted. But that case is crowded off the front page when a pop starlet feeds some hungry crocodiles while holding her baby, and accidentally drops it into a croc’s mouth. And she isn’t wearing any panties.

In a surprise legal move, Jack McCoy tries the two cases together. When she takes the stand, the starlet reveals that her baby was fathered by Karl Rove’s, which is why Scooter was sacrificed — he was ordered to leak stuff about Plame and then lie about it to deflect attention from her pregnancy. She takes a plea deal in exchange for her testimonty that she dropped the child on purpose, at Rove’s command, to get rid of the incriminating child. The undies were stolen by Russian spies who wanted to bring the affair out into the open, but after one of them was poisoned by a plutonium pellet that the RNC slipped into his tea, the other one agrees to testify in exchange for Judith Regan’s old job at Harper-Collins.

2. Scooter/ the case of those kidnapped boys found in Missouri, one who had been missing for four years.

Plotline: During one of his radio segments, an obnoxious news personality based on Bill O’Reilly blows the cover of a CIA employee working in North Korea. The agent is captured and killed only minutes before she was to bring out Kim’s secret nuclear strategy, so Bill is tried for treason, and executed. Everybody at the D.A’s office is happy. Even the defense seems glad.

But wait, there’s more!

It seems that the leak came from the White House, which offers up a senior advisor as a scapegoat. He stays mum until, in an emotional scene in the last act, he testifies that Karl Rove kidnapped him 30 years ago, and he was not only psychologically unable to escape, he also had to do Karl’s dirty work, because he was so afraid of Karl, who used secret “Manchurian Candidate” brainwashing techniques on him. The advisor claims that Karl is a North Korean mole. Then Karl takes the stand, and says that he was only following the orders of his secret master, Reverend Moon. He blurts out that his next assignment was to have been the murder of Tom Cruise for claiming to the new Jesus Christ. It all ends with the revelation that George W. Bush, like LonelyGirl15, is just an actor following a script. So, everybody wants their money back, and Jack McCoy files a class action suit on their behalf.

And so on.

Now, make up your own scenarios. Here are some recent headlines for you to work with.
Duke prosecutor accused of hiding DNA evidence
Houston Chronicle - 51 minutes ago
By JOSEPH NEFF and BENJAMIN NIOLET. RALEIGH, NC – When embattled Durham District Attorney Mike Nifong took his seat at the defense table at the NC State Bar on Wednesday, the role-reversal became complete: The hunter is now the hunted.

Military Develops Non-Lethal Ray Gun
CBS News - 8 hours ago
(AP) The military’s new weapon is a ray gun that shoots a beam that makes people feel as if they will catch fire. The technology is supposed to be harmless – a non-lethal way to get enemies to drop their weapons.
After decades, arrest made in slayings
Houston Chronicle - 34 minutes ago
By EMILY WAGSTER PETTUS and ALLEN G. BREED. AP. JACKSON, Miss. – For four decades, Thomas Moore dreamed of exacting revenge on the reputed Ku Klux Klansman he believed had kidnapped his younger brother and another teen, beaten them and drowned them in
Obama Rips Fox News Over Madrassa Story
Boston - 7 hours ago
WASHINGTON — With a staffer declaring, “We will not be swift-boated,” Sen. Barack Obama fought back Wednesday against an allegation that he was educated at a radical Islamic school as a child in Indonesia.
Panama’s Noriega to be Released from US Prison in September
Voice of America - 9 hours ago
By Lisa Ferdinando. The defense attorney for Manuel Noriega says the former Panamanian dictator is to be released from a Miami prison in September.
I bet you can come up with some great plots based on those stories (plus l’affaire Scooter). Or, you can find your own headlines to rip from. Just be creative! Bonus points for killing off Districk Attorney Arthur Branch.

Posted by s.z. on Thursday, January 25th, 2007 at 3:49 am.
15 responses to "Law & Order: Treachery and Dirty Tricks Division"

Military Develops Non-Lethal Ray Gun
CBS News – 8 hours ago

So, they’ve developed a peaceful deathray?
(AP) The military’s new weapon is a ray gun that shoots a beam that makes people feel as if they will catch fire. The technology is supposed to be harmless
Oh, I think someone needs to ask Crow T Robot how “harmless” that really is, even though it is pretty funny.
24 hours of Jack Bauer’s funeral? Have mercy.
Valerie Wilson goes to Aruba to get away from the horror of being outed as a CIA agent. She disappears, and FOX news only mentions it a couple of times…Jack McCoy prosecutes BillO for the murder of Valerie. BillO breaks down on the stand and admits Karl Rove and VP Cheney made him “do it”. But he won’t say what “It” is.
The solution to the murder is:
BillO. In the Shower. With the Falafel.
Can the new ray gun be used at the same time as waterboarding? I bet we’re going to find out. This administration is full of sick fucks who’d think that was ultracool.
Interior, police car. Back-seat two-shot of cops drinking coffee and discussing upcoming Big Game. “Whaddya you, nuts? He’s gonna throw for 400 yards against the best defense in the NFL?” Reply interrupted by
Radio cackle. Disturbance at the Gramercy Park Hotel. Hey, that’s right around the corner. Hit lights and screamer.
Interior, hotel hallway. Manager explaining something about screams. Cops have manager unlock door, burst in. All quiet, nothing out of place, until they look in bathroom, find young woman hanging from shower-curtain rod. Manager explains they have to make shower fixtures extra strong to avoid lawsuits. Cops simultaneously turn and look at him.
Dum-dum. Titles. Commercial.
Driver’s license says girl was 18 and from Terre Haute, Indiana (it’s always Terre Haute, Indiana). ME says she was manually strangled first, positive for Ecstasy and had sexual intercourse, consensual, shortly before death. Hair found stuck to bottom of her foot sent to lab for DNA test, likely African-American. Grief-stricken Parents had no idea she was in New York, thought she was at school in Chicago. No boyfriends they know of. Certainly not African-American. “She was very busy with her studies”.
College roomate reveals she hung out at Chicago Bombers practices, thinks she had a boyfriend but doesn’t know who. “Great,” says Fontana,”an African-American professional football player. We’ve narrowed it down to 75% of the team.” “Don’t forget the coach,” says Green.
By happy coincidence, Big Game being played at the Meadowlands this year. Interviews with the team turn up nothing. Bombers coach Randall “Jelly” DuPree says everybody made bed check the night of the murder. Lab gets a DNA match–it’s the coach of the opposing team! They’re both African Americans! Things look bad for him when it turns out he had a rape beef in college hushed up by the university. But opposing coach insists he didn’t know the girl, and his whereabouts are accounted for for the entire night in question. Fontana and Green begin to smell a set-up.
Then Van Buren tells them that inexplicably popular cornpone radio personality Hank “Hacksaw” Hawkins (simulcast on MSNBC) has revealed secret details about the case on that morning’s show. Hacksaw won’t reveal his sources, but tells the detectives they should take another look at DuPree. Fontana and Green re-interview the team, break the coach’s alibi, and get him to admit having sex with the girl that night. “But she was alive when I left her.”
Poring over reams of evidence late at night, McCoy realizes that there’s nothing anywhere about DuPree’s football career before college. Checking further he finds that there’s nothing anywhere about DuPree at all before 1978. The next day whoever is his assistant this week gets a visit from an old law school classmate, now working for the Feds, who warns her darkly that her boss ought to drop the investigation of DuPree because of some unspecified federal interest.
Then Hacksaw fails to turn up for his morning show, and he’s fished out of the Hudson. ME Rodgers finds a bus-station locker key hidden in a secret compartment in his oversized belt buckle. Rushing to the station the cops retrieve a folder which proves that DuPree, under the cover of coaching a professional football team, was actually a CIA agent who was involved in shipping uranium to Iraq without Saddam’s knowledge and leaving a trail of obviously phony bills of lading as a casus belli. This is the case that Federal prosecutor Mike Murphy was working on, and he was just about to file charges against Vice-Presidential advisor Frank “Muggles” Henderson. It turns out that the feds had tracked Henderson to the hotel that night, and watched him leave again, right around the time of the murder. McCoy is livid. Murphy says, “Maybe you better calm down, Jack. And maybe you ought to ask your boss what he knows about Hank Hawkins.”
Hawkins turns out to have been a Republican operative with ties to the crooked voting machine company which gamed the election of inexplicably popular conepone Manhattan DA Arthur Branch. Fontana and Green come to arrest him. He asks to be allowed to use the bathroom first. Door closes. Gunshot. “Created by Dick Wolfe” says the graphic, leaving us to wonder until next week whether Riley gets the bonus points.
…Valerie Wilson is found, alive and well, tho incoherent, at a truck stop in Nevada. She claims she was kidnapped by Scientologists who tried to brainwash her into having Tom Cruise’s child. Then she changes her story, says it was Moonies who took her. Or maybe aliens.
Kathy writes: “Valerie Wilson goes to Aruba to get away from the horror of being outed as a CIA agent. ”
Close: the Wilsons have moved from Washington to Santa Fe, New Mexico.
Kathy writes: “Valerie Wilson is found, alive and well, tho incoherent, at a truck stop in Nevada.”
Military Develops Non-Lethal Ray Gun
I’ve seen enough Looney Tunes to know that targets of this weapon learns to start carrying large mirrors. Acme makes the best ones, I hear.
Careening through the streets of a suburb near the campus of a major university, an attractive slightly overweight Afro American female drives a van mounted with appears to be a satelite dish, chasing a band of underwear clad middleaged white males and one skinny white woman through the early morning hours. Screams of fright and pain come from the pursued as residents stand about in disbelief and amusement. Said 18 year old Riley “NuTop Dawg” Wilkerson,” Like I was comin’ in from this party over across town in the Heights( PeteyWheatstraw Heights) when I hear all this screamin’ and sh…uh stuff so I grabs my piece and my boy Newton ( 19 yr. old Newton ” Lil Cut N’ Slash “Thomas )says “What the F…uh goin’ on ?” and then we sees other folks in the ‘hood comin’outside or lookin’through theys windows up the street at these crazy crackers runnin’ down the street. Me and my boy look at each and we figure let’s jack they … remind them it’s a new day what they grandfolks used to do back in the day ain’t happenin’ now. I notice other fellas thinkin’ likewise even my uncle Clyde comes out with his sawed off callin’ ‘em all kinda cracker bastards and stuff, he used to be in the Black Panthers, when we see the van that’s chasing ‘em. Like it ain’t tryin’to run ‘em over or anything like that,but it’s keepin’ ‘em movin’ ya know? Then we hear this sound like those microwaves be makin’ in the movies when somebody stuffs a monster or somethin’ in one, and the crac… white peoples were screamin’ and jumpin’like theys were in one them Three Stooges movies. Mrs. Dexta is lookin’ at the driver and she recognizes her she goes” Ain’t that Reverend Mosely mannish ass daughter Rachel?” And I kinda remember Rachel ’cause you know back in tenth grade we was kind of tight and all, and we went to the prom party over at Biggy Mitch’s house,and you know things got slippery and wet,if you understand what I’m sayin’ so when they circle the block again I see it’s her so does Newton and his girl April(Jackson 18) who just woke her passed out self up.” The said Rachel Mosely,currently employed as a dancer at the Deep Nastee Club, was hired to provide entertainment at an event held in the Doodie & Woody Shoodie Memorial Science Hall and Jerky Kitchens on the campus of Passiton University where several rightwing commentators debated whether Galileo’s liberal agenda ruined the image of science as a reliable truthfinder “Moses and Jesus didn’t say anything about a round Earth” was their topic. A Drunken insult and ethnic slur caused Rachel who in the vernacular “is two degrees past thick” in a rage found the prototype of the US Army’s Heat Beam Emitter in its camoflage as a cable news truck. Further details are forthcoming.
S.Z., how on earth could I compete with yours?!??!
I hardly ever watch L&O anymore, except for SVU (when you’ve got crushes on both of the stars, whaddayagonnado?), so I’m probably too far out of touch with the plot formulae to pull it off anyway.
But as for that “ray gun” — whatever happened to that thing that they tested on the protest crowds in Miami over the FTAA? It was a microwave/subsonic-sound broadcaster, like a remote-microwave broadcaster for commercial radio (MARTI), except that the signal was concentrated, in order to produce heart flutters and possibly even STOPPING the hearts/causing major migraines/possible strokes in MASS GROUPS — how come we haven’t heard about THAT evil-ass weapon in years? Did they give up on it or are they using it and, as usual, denying that it exists?
the Scooter trial has gone all “Law & Order” on us
Isn’t that one of those shows about heroic government employees protecting the public? Sorry, I’m too old to watch cartoons.
(Scene: Darkened bedroom in Kennebunkport, late night. Babs and George asleep. Phone rings on night table, Babs answers it, George keeps sleeping.)
VOICE: (thick Hispanic accent) I’m out.
BABS: (Annoyed)Who is this?
VOICE: You don’ recognize my voice, huh Babs?
BABS:, I’m sorry, I–
VOICE: You forget all those hot nights out in the hammock in the jungle, while that skeenny husban’ of yours is out doin’ fools errands for the CIA?
BABS: (shaky) Manny, that was a long time ago, it’s high time we both–
MANNY: So you didn’ hear I got out.
MANNY: I gotta see you again. I spent the whole time theenkin’ bout holding you in my–
BABS: (whispered, angrily) Why on earth would I see you?
MANNY: (softly) Come on, Babs. Nobody ever asked how come you and George had four smart kids and one who’s a fuckeen idiot?
BABS: (near tears) Don’t go digging up–
MANNY: How long are people gonna believe your man set me up just for trying to take back my coke connections from Ollie fuckeen North?
BABS: I can’t–I can’t–
MANNY: Look, I’m just tryin to help you. There’s still one guy connected to the White House who knows about all thees.
BABS: (Dabbing her eyes) Scooter.
MANNY: Damn fuckeen right. Two if you count hees boss, but I got so much sheet on heem that–
BABS: Enough. What do you want from me?
MANNY: (coyly) So you agree we gotta do sometheen. I got a plan, Babs, but I really got to ‘splain eet een person. It’s gonna take both of us to feex. Meet me at the lobster place where we had deener the night our leetle Dubya got hees DUI, tomorrow at nine.
BABS: God, I wish I–
MANNY: Wear something nice.
(Phone goes dead with a loud click.)
GEORGE: (sleepily) Who was that?
BABS: Wrong number.
GEORGE: (rolling over, too soft for Babs to hear) Got that right. (Smiles as he drifts back to sleep.)
Yeah, but Realist… Jayne Mansfield’s daughter is PURRRDY. So is the guy, Christopher Meloni.
Hey, a girl needs entertainment, whaddaya gonna do?
Besides, they’re both that “maverick” typecast, as in, they don’t “go by the books” to catch the rapists/child-molesters, etc. — it’s a cute mythology, as far from reality as it may be. After all, if anybody really gave a fuck about kids in this country, instead of just TALKING about kids all of the fucking time, then these lowlifes wouldn’t be out in public as it is.