Our apologies for the paucity of posts this past week. I’ve been dealing with the close of the sale on my grandfather’s house, and I’m pretty sure s.z. has been devoured by her foster pets, who have since broken up into smaller discussion groups tasked with creating action plans to deal with the electric can opener, the latch on the cat flap, and the TiVo.
In the meantime, former Paramount and Universal glamour girl Yvonne De Carlo has died at the age of 84. She emerged from bit part obscurity by virtue of her strong performances in classic films such as The Ten Commandments, For Whom the Bell Tolls, and Blazing Stewardesses, before achieving immortality in the role of Lily Munster, then finally sinking back into obscurity with a bit part in Satan’s Cheerleaders. So, in tribute to Yvonne, and because I’ve got a bad headache and really can’t come up with anything original, here’s a bit culled from the Satan: A Career Retrospective chapter of Better Living Through Bad Movies. Enjoy, and sorry for the deja vu.
Satan’s Cheerleaders (1977)
Directed by: Greydon Clark
Written by: Greydon Clark and Alvin L. Fast
Our movie opens with John Ireland leading a Take Back the Night March in his bathrobe. Then we cut to the beach, where a group of bikini-clad pom-pom girls from the local high school are performing cheers for the female P.E. teacher. Horrified by the frank sexuality of the girls’ routine, she urges them to replace the offending choreography with moves stolen from a minstrel show.
Suddenly, the movie delivers a shock: One of the cheerleaders—blonde and bland teen goddess Patti—is spotted sitting alone on the sand, staring out to sea. Fearing that she’s not feeling fresh, her friends rush to her aid, only to learn that Patti has been “thinking.”
“About what?” they ask, flabbergasted.
“I don’t know,” she replies.
Meanwhile, the high school custodian (Wilfred Brimley Lite) is attending John Ireland’s al fresco pajama party and satanic kegger. Wilfred pledges his soul to Satan, so those darn kids will finally quit annoying him and stop TPing the chain-link fence around the school.
The next day, Wilfred is pulling toilet paper off the chain-link fence and having second thoughts about that chalice of goat’s blood he drank last night (was it really the right thing to do?) On the bright side, the Lord of Darkness did apparently come through with a Ronco Rhinestone and Stud Setter, since Wilfred’s highly ornamented janitor’s uniform would likely be dismissed as wretched excess by Liberace.
Realizing he’s failed to give any of the characters a shred of distinguishing personality, director Greydon has the girls change into tight white t-shirts with their names emblazoned on the chest in block letters—exactly like the Mickey Mouse Club, except for the visible nipples. (And now that you’re picturing Cubby’s highbeams, we should probably point out this movie does contain a shower scene, and you do see breasts. But since they’re the sort of breasts you usually see only on very young girls, or very old men, it left us feeling kind of queasy.)
While the girls are showering, Wilfred sneaks in and curses their shorts and baby tees.
The cheerleaders pile into the PE teacher’s car and head off to an away game, followed by Wilfred, who has himself been cursed with a leisure suit the color of tomato bisque. Furiously rubbing his talisman (probably not what you’re thinking) he curses the PE coach’s Country Squire, causing it to come to a safe and complete stop. Wilfred picks up the stranded pep squad in his camper, and laughs maniacally as he reveals that they are now helpless, and completely in his power! Then he loses control of the pickup and stalls in a vacant lot. Fortunately for him, it’s a satanic vacant lot. As the girls emerge from the truck, Patti is suddenly overcome by an unnatural passion, and exposes her boobs to Albert Finney’s doorknocker from Scrooge. Then she lies down on a barbecue and has an orgasm, while Wilfred has a heart attack.
Teach and the cheerleaders get in Wilfred’s truck and drive until they see John Carradine, who is dressed in rags and wandering the roadside with a burlap sack, picking up discarded cans, bottles, and cameos in Jerry Warren movies. Now the filmmakers deliver another big shock, as we learn that John’s not actually in this film. Apparently, it was some sort of clerical error, or maybe the camera crew just caught him puttering around on his day off.
Teach and the cheerleaders seek out the local sheriff (John Ireland), who goes by the name “B.L. Bubb” (get it?). The guileless girls don’t yet realize the full significance of this strange name, but they’re pretty sure it means he used to be on “The Dukes of Hazzard.”
While Sheriff John goes to check on their story about a dead satanic custodian near a giant doorknocker, the unspeakably sinister Yvonne De Carlo shows up dressed like Howdy Doody. When the Sheriff finds Wilfred napping on the barbecue, he beats his oddly spangled disciple to a pulp, then gives him a piggyback ride. Unsure how to react to this, Wilfred decides to die again.
Back at the Sheriff’s house, the girls sense that Something Is Not Right. They try thinking, but once again, it makes them feel unfresh. Then they overhear Sheriff John’s plan to sacrifice a “pure maiden” (yeah, right) and they run away.
Meanwhile, Patti is muttering mumbo-jumbo in the living room and going all satanic on Yvonne’s ass (apparently, flashing her knockers at a knocker has endowed her with the ability to browbeat washed-up contract players).
The girls are recaptured, then promptly escape again, giving us yet another chance to enjoy long scenes of them jiggling over hill and dale. Gathering a posse of demonic hicks and bumpkins, Sheriff John puts on his pajamas and hunts down the fleeing pep squad. Yvonne helps by pulling out the Satan Home Game and saying a prayer for her Audi. (Well, that’s what it sounded like–I suppose she could have been facing a satanic altar and saying “Howdy,” but that would seem to undercut the moment.)
Catching up to the Semi-Naked Prey, Sheriff John dresses them in graduation gowns and brings them to the consecrated barbecue. But it turns out that Patti is now going steady with Lucifer. As she shouts some more nonsense, Wilfred rises from the dead again and stabs Sheriff John in the bladder with a trowel. The demonic “Hee Haw” extras bow down and worship Patti as the Devil’s intern.
Cut to a football game. The cheerleaders, now sponsored by Satan, are hopping around and shaking their pom-poms, when one of the players is felled by an injury. But Beelzebub has endowed his Bride with the power to repair groin pulls, and she commands the player to rise, and the team to win! So, for those of you dreading the coming of the Anti-Christ, you can relax. The Horned Beast doesn’t have time to engulf the world in darkness, since he’s busy fixing high school football games.
Satan’s Cheerleaders: not just a shocking expose of how football imperils innocent groins, but also a Betty Freidan-inspired call for female empowerment through Satanism and shower scenes.
Our director, Greydon Clark, is also responsible for Angel’s Revenge, another movie about skimpily dressed women who jiggle and giggle their way through a battle with the forces of evil (represented by cast members Arthur Godfrey and Alan Hale, Jr.). So, we might consider Graydon the John Milton of ‘70s cinema, showing the armies of God battling the legions of Lucifer, with sexy results. It’s just that his heavenly hosts have Farrah hair and wear skin-tight t-shirts, while his hellish battalions are composed of inept janitors, John Ireland, and Lily Munster. In fact, the Satan of these films would most likely have the motto “Better to reign in hell than to serve lunch specials at TGI Fridays.”
And speaking of rain, Anton LaVey, founder of The Church of Satan, was a technical advisor on The Devil’s Rain (which is why those melting sherbet scenes seemed so authentic). However, he was touring with Bread when it came time to film Satan’s Cheerleaders, so the moviemakers had to rely on a copy of The Devil’s Cliff Notes and the instruction manual from a Weber grill for their info about Satanism. And while a cursory knowledge of the occult leads us to believe that real devil worshippers don’t actually wear rhinestone-studded leisure suits (except to the Academy Awards), what about the rest of the film’s demonic theology? Do Satanists really sacrifice virgins, pray to doorknockers, and impersonate Howdy Doody?
To find out, we interviewed Anton LaVey (via Ouija board, since he’s passed over and is with Satan now). At least we think it was Anton LaVey we were talking to—it may have been Anton Chekhov, or possibly Lyndon LaRouche. Anyway, it was somebody with a funny name. Here is a transcript of our interview (send $29 to Dateline if you want a transcript of our séance with Dick Cheney):
Q: Mr. LaVey, when we tried researching Satanism on the Internet, we read that Satanists kidnap children for rituals, and eat at least 3000 babies a year. Is this true?
A: No, of course not! In fact, the ninth of my “Eleven Satanic Rules of the Earth” is “Do not harm little children.” Modern Satanists are not like the ones you see in horror movies, always sacrificing goats and terrorizing Mia Farrows. Besides, babies are too fatty for today’s active Satanist. After a busy night of reading from the Satanic Bible, ritual magick, and a nice orgy, we usually have something light, like a salad, followed by some baby-flavored Jell-O. Q: Is it also untrue that there’s a massive ritual network, which kidnaps virgins and makes them participate in weird sexual ceremonies—all headed up by the British royal family?
A: Well, that’s true, but it has nothing to do with us!
Q: Many coaches and players thank God for their sports victories; shouldn’t they be blaming Satan for their losses?
A: Yes. Because the stadium, gym, or arena is the real playing field of the ultimate battle of good or evil. Every time one of God’s teams wins a game, the Almighty wins. However, when these teams lose (due to the evil machinations of the devil), then Satan comes that much closer to ruling over the Earth. And, while Lucifer doesn’t actually have any teams, since athletes are too pious, humble, and pure to have anything to do with him, Satan does own the league officials, the refs, and, as you saw in the movie, the cheerleaders. So, it’s pretty balanced. Q: Wow, we never realized that sporting events were so cosmically important!
Why else would men spend so many Sundays watching them? I’ll let you in on a little secret: the Battle of Armageddon, the combat that decides the ultimate fate of the planet, will be Super Bowl XXXVI. Buy your commercial spots now!
Posted by scott on Thursday, January 11th, 2007 at 2:49 am.
In the meantime, former Paramount and Universal glamour girl Yvonne De Carlo has died at the age of 84. She emerged from bit part obscurity by virtue of her strong performances in classic films such as The Ten Commandments, For Whom the Bell Tolls, and Blazing Stewardesses, before achieving immortality in the role of Lily Munster, then finally sinking back into obscurity with a bit part in Satan’s Cheerleaders. So, in tribute to Yvonne, and because I’ve got a bad headache and really can’t come up with anything original, here’s a bit culled from the Satan: A Career Retrospective chapter of Better Living Through Bad Movies. Enjoy, and sorry for the deja vu.
Satan’s Cheerleaders (1977)
Directed by: Greydon Clark
Written by: Greydon Clark and Alvin L. Fast
Our movie opens with John Ireland leading a Take Back the Night March in his bathrobe. Then we cut to the beach, where a group of bikini-clad pom-pom girls from the local high school are performing cheers for the female P.E. teacher. Horrified by the frank sexuality of the girls’ routine, she urges them to replace the offending choreography with moves stolen from a minstrel show.
Suddenly, the movie delivers a shock: One of the cheerleaders—blonde and bland teen goddess Patti—is spotted sitting alone on the sand, staring out to sea. Fearing that she’s not feeling fresh, her friends rush to her aid, only to learn that Patti has been “thinking.”
“About what?” they ask, flabbergasted.
“I don’t know,” she replies.
Meanwhile, the high school custodian (Wilfred Brimley Lite) is attending John Ireland’s al fresco pajama party and satanic kegger. Wilfred pledges his soul to Satan, so those darn kids will finally quit annoying him and stop TPing the chain-link fence around the school.
The next day, Wilfred is pulling toilet paper off the chain-link fence and having second thoughts about that chalice of goat’s blood he drank last night (was it really the right thing to do?) On the bright side, the Lord of Darkness did apparently come through with a Ronco Rhinestone and Stud Setter, since Wilfred’s highly ornamented janitor’s uniform would likely be dismissed as wretched excess by Liberace.
Realizing he’s failed to give any of the characters a shred of distinguishing personality, director Greydon has the girls change into tight white t-shirts with their names emblazoned on the chest in block letters—exactly like the Mickey Mouse Club, except for the visible nipples. (And now that you’re picturing Cubby’s highbeams, we should probably point out this movie does contain a shower scene, and you do see breasts. But since they’re the sort of breasts you usually see only on very young girls, or very old men, it left us feeling kind of queasy.)
While the girls are showering, Wilfred sneaks in and curses their shorts and baby tees.
The cheerleaders pile into the PE teacher’s car and head off to an away game, followed by Wilfred, who has himself been cursed with a leisure suit the color of tomato bisque. Furiously rubbing his talisman (probably not what you’re thinking) he curses the PE coach’s Country Squire, causing it to come to a safe and complete stop. Wilfred picks up the stranded pep squad in his camper, and laughs maniacally as he reveals that they are now helpless, and completely in his power! Then he loses control of the pickup and stalls in a vacant lot. Fortunately for him, it’s a satanic vacant lot. As the girls emerge from the truck, Patti is suddenly overcome by an unnatural passion, and exposes her boobs to Albert Finney’s doorknocker from Scrooge. Then she lies down on a barbecue and has an orgasm, while Wilfred has a heart attack.
Teach and the cheerleaders get in Wilfred’s truck and drive until they see John Carradine, who is dressed in rags and wandering the roadside with a burlap sack, picking up discarded cans, bottles, and cameos in Jerry Warren movies. Now the filmmakers deliver another big shock, as we learn that John’s not actually in this film. Apparently, it was some sort of clerical error, or maybe the camera crew just caught him puttering around on his day off.
Teach and the cheerleaders seek out the local sheriff (John Ireland), who goes by the name “B.L. Bubb” (get it?). The guileless girls don’t yet realize the full significance of this strange name, but they’re pretty sure it means he used to be on “The Dukes of Hazzard.”
While Sheriff John goes to check on their story about a dead satanic custodian near a giant doorknocker, the unspeakably sinister Yvonne De Carlo shows up dressed like Howdy Doody. When the Sheriff finds Wilfred napping on the barbecue, he beats his oddly spangled disciple to a pulp, then gives him a piggyback ride. Unsure how to react to this, Wilfred decides to die again.
Back at the Sheriff’s house, the girls sense that Something Is Not Right. They try thinking, but once again, it makes them feel unfresh. Then they overhear Sheriff John’s plan to sacrifice a “pure maiden” (yeah, right) and they run away.
Meanwhile, Patti is muttering mumbo-jumbo in the living room and going all satanic on Yvonne’s ass (apparently, flashing her knockers at a knocker has endowed her with the ability to browbeat washed-up contract players).
The girls are recaptured, then promptly escape again, giving us yet another chance to enjoy long scenes of them jiggling over hill and dale. Gathering a posse of demonic hicks and bumpkins, Sheriff John puts on his pajamas and hunts down the fleeing pep squad. Yvonne helps by pulling out the Satan Home Game and saying a prayer for her Audi. (Well, that’s what it sounded like–I suppose she could have been facing a satanic altar and saying “Howdy,” but that would seem to undercut the moment.)
Catching up to the Semi-Naked Prey, Sheriff John dresses them in graduation gowns and brings them to the consecrated barbecue. But it turns out that Patti is now going steady with Lucifer. As she shouts some more nonsense, Wilfred rises from the dead again and stabs Sheriff John in the bladder with a trowel. The demonic “Hee Haw” extras bow down and worship Patti as the Devil’s intern.
Cut to a football game. The cheerleaders, now sponsored by Satan, are hopping around and shaking their pom-poms, when one of the players is felled by an injury. But Beelzebub has endowed his Bride with the power to repair groin pulls, and she commands the player to rise, and the team to win! So, for those of you dreading the coming of the Anti-Christ, you can relax. The Horned Beast doesn’t have time to engulf the world in darkness, since he’s busy fixing high school football games.
Satan’s Cheerleaders: not just a shocking expose of how football imperils innocent groins, but also a Betty Freidan-inspired call for female empowerment through Satanism and shower scenes.
Our director, Greydon Clark, is also responsible for Angel’s Revenge, another movie about skimpily dressed women who jiggle and giggle their way through a battle with the forces of evil (represented by cast members Arthur Godfrey and Alan Hale, Jr.). So, we might consider Graydon the John Milton of ‘70s cinema, showing the armies of God battling the legions of Lucifer, with sexy results. It’s just that his heavenly hosts have Farrah hair and wear skin-tight t-shirts, while his hellish battalions are composed of inept janitors, John Ireland, and Lily Munster. In fact, the Satan of these films would most likely have the motto “Better to reign in hell than to serve lunch specials at TGI Fridays.”
And speaking of rain, Anton LaVey, founder of The Church of Satan, was a technical advisor on The Devil’s Rain (which is why those melting sherbet scenes seemed so authentic). However, he was touring with Bread when it came time to film Satan’s Cheerleaders, so the moviemakers had to rely on a copy of The Devil’s Cliff Notes and the instruction manual from a Weber grill for their info about Satanism. And while a cursory knowledge of the occult leads us to believe that real devil worshippers don’t actually wear rhinestone-studded leisure suits (except to the Academy Awards), what about the rest of the film’s demonic theology? Do Satanists really sacrifice virgins, pray to doorknockers, and impersonate Howdy Doody?
To find out, we interviewed Anton LaVey (via Ouija board, since he’s passed over and is with Satan now). At least we think it was Anton LaVey we were talking to—it may have been Anton Chekhov, or possibly Lyndon LaRouche. Anyway, it was somebody with a funny name. Here is a transcript of our interview (send $29 to Dateline if you want a transcript of our séance with Dick Cheney):
Q: Mr. LaVey, when we tried researching Satanism on the Internet, we read that Satanists kidnap children for rituals, and eat at least 3000 babies a year. Is this true?
A: No, of course not! In fact, the ninth of my “Eleven Satanic Rules of the Earth” is “Do not harm little children.” Modern Satanists are not like the ones you see in horror movies, always sacrificing goats and terrorizing Mia Farrows. Besides, babies are too fatty for today’s active Satanist. After a busy night of reading from the Satanic Bible, ritual magick, and a nice orgy, we usually have something light, like a salad, followed by some baby-flavored Jell-O. Q: Is it also untrue that there’s a massive ritual network, which kidnaps virgins and makes them participate in weird sexual ceremonies—all headed up by the British royal family?
A: Well, that’s true, but it has nothing to do with us!
Q: Many coaches and players thank God for their sports victories; shouldn’t they be blaming Satan for their losses?
A: Yes. Because the stadium, gym, or arena is the real playing field of the ultimate battle of good or evil. Every time one of God’s teams wins a game, the Almighty wins. However, when these teams lose (due to the evil machinations of the devil), then Satan comes that much closer to ruling over the Earth. And, while Lucifer doesn’t actually have any teams, since athletes are too pious, humble, and pure to have anything to do with him, Satan does own the league officials, the refs, and, as you saw in the movie, the cheerleaders. So, it’s pretty balanced. Q: Wow, we never realized that sporting events were so cosmically important!
Why else would men spend so many Sundays watching them? I’ll let you in on a little secret: the Battle of Armageddon, the combat that decides the ultimate fate of the planet, will be Super Bowl XXXVI. Buy your commercial spots now!
Posted by scott on Thursday, January 11th, 2007 at 2:49 am.
5 responses to "Lilies For Lily"
Damn, too bad about Lilly Munster. Actually, I didn’t know she was still alive. Still, bummer. She was quite a hottie in the 40s and 50s.
Who wants to do some smoking and drinking with me on the 19th? It’s my forty fucking eighth bday and I have some killer.
Who wants to do some smoking and drinking with me on the 19th? It’s my forty fucking eighth bday and I have some killer.
Me! Me! Me! I’ll be there, at least in spirit! And I’ll bet s.z. has something especially tantalizing for your day. Just you wait and see….
Me too. Where?
renton, wa
Scott writes: Fearing that she’s not feeling fresh, her friends rush to her aid, only to learn that Patti has been “thinking.”
“About what?” they ask, flabbergasted.
“I don’t know,” she replies.
Yeah, you could almost hear the gears grinding. As Curly once said to Moe, “I’m tryna think, but nuttin’s happ’nin’!”
“About what?” they ask, flabbergasted.
“I don’t know,” she replies.
Yeah, you could almost hear the gears grinding. As Curly once said to Moe, “I’m tryna think, but nuttin’s happ’nin’!”
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