The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

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Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Today’s Academy Award Nominees, Tomorrow’s Downloadable Porn

My friend Laura, with whom I’ve worked on a few bad movies, has developed the bizarre habit of sitting through every film nominated for an Academy Award, regardless of category. Needless to say, this is a very self-destructive pastime, sort of like signing up for a week at the Bataan Death March Dude Ranch. But as she stoically sucks up Andorra’s official entry in the Best Foreign Film category, the lavish Basque language musical, Goats A’Poppin!, she distracts herself by predicting the inevitable porn versions of each year’s most honored motion pictures. This season’s crop includes such distinguished films from the San Fernando Valley as:

Little Miss Slutshine

The Pursuit of Happypenis


Pam’s Labia Rinse

Notes on A Sanchez

An Inconvenient Poot

The Queef

Butt Pirates of the Caribbean:  Dead Man’s Muffiny Chest

Half Nelson…All Man


The Breastige

The Curse of the Golden Shower

Plus films that fit the porn paradigm without any change in title required:

Little Children
Happy Feet

Any other suggestions…?

Posted by scott on Wednesday, January 31st, 2007 at 1:42 am.
Notes on A Sanchez
Good one, but ewww! That’s one I don’t think I’d rent.
Letters From Ima Screama
I went to last year for some ideas:
Mrs. Henderson Puts Out
Sexron: The Hardest Guys in the Room
Good Night, and Good Fuck
My Hairy Prone Companion
My favorite of all time: “Yank My Doodle! (It’s a Dandy)”
Yes, there was really a porn flick with that name.
Then there was the gay porno flick called “The Rear Admiral” – yes, that one was real, too.
My all-time favorite real porn titles were, Genital Hospital and For Your Thighs Only.
Never used it (although an actor adopted the character name), but should’ve:
[i]Rambone: First Buttsex Two Parts[/i]
Worst Concept For Porn Parody:
[i]The Texas A!!hole Massacre[/i]; runners-up [i]The Camp Cuddly Pines Power Tool Massacre[/i] and [i]The Texas Dildo Masquerade[/i]
Current Box-Office & Coming (ha HA!) Soon:
[i]Epic Nooky
The Deflowered
Smokin’ Asses
Night At The Cheapest Shooting Location We Could Find Where There Were No Cops Around
Alpha Doggiestyle*
Freedom F!!!ers
The Last Pimp Of Scotland
Porn’s Labyrinth
Live Free & F!!! Hard[/i]
*Okay, not too proud of that one. (Should I be proud of any of them?)
…wait, shouldn’t that be [i]Fappy Heet?[/i] Or perhaps just [i]Fappy Meat.[/i]
…Stupid HTML.
(BTW, those Texas Chainsaw Massacre parody titles are real, not ones I made up.)
I always liked Edward Penishands myself.
I’m not usually that good at this, but Letters from Iwo Jisma comes to mind…
Thank you. I’ll be here all week.
The Pursuit of Happypenis
Wouldn’t The Pursuit of a Penis suffice?
(There’s an old joke about Charles de Gaulle’s wife being asked what she valued most in life, responding in English to the consternation of her audience, and being told, “Madame, it is pronounced ‘appyness.”)
Gang-bangs of New York
Drilling Miss Daisy
Another real title of which Anon’s reference to Edward Penishands reminded me involves a monster portrayed by a guy in a Boris Karloff mask with way-oversized rubber hands that he puts to good use: Spankenstein.
…Hmmm. I guess there IS one form of spanking I don’t want to see outlawed after all.
Oh, what a coincidence:
How about “Swiving Miss Daisy”? It’s a little archaic, but that adds to its charm.
You missed a golden opportunity for some man-on-man film action:
An Inconvenient Pouf
Might I suggest an animated feature: “The Loin King”.
Perhaps also the dramas “Howard’s Rear End”, or “Pulp Friction”.
Lassie Come Home

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