Druids

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May 8, 2006 by scott

Next Up — Geechy Guy!

Thanks to all who contributed their doppleganger drivel. The deft evocation of right wing tropes and stylings prove that Wo’C commenters lead the world in the field of Wingnut Studies, and we are hereby awarding all contestants a Ph.D which we’re pretty sure is just slightly less legitimate than the doctorate awarded to the Scrawcrow at the end of The Wizard of Oz, and slightly more than the one awarded to Mike Adams.

The only problem is that the quality of the entries was a little too good, making it very difficult to cull the herd. So we’ve doubled the number of finalists to 6, and without further ado, we proudly present them for your delectation:

First up in the Junior Spokesmodel Competition — Tara the anti-social social worker channels Michelle Malkin:

Mr. Jose Garcia, a Mexican and therefore presumably an illegal immigrant and potential terrorist, was spotted at the Quaker party to celebrate the deaths of American soldiers. To prove they were celebrating the deaths of Amercian soldiers, here’s a picture of Mr. Garcia smiling.

Mr. Garcia lives at 123 NotAWingnut Street in Podunk, Idaho. His phone number is 555-5555. His email is SaveMeFromWingnuts @Heeelp.com. He started wearing a bulletproof vest after seeing me, but there’s a gun shop at 225 KillEmAll Street that sells armor-piercing ammo.

I do not condone death threats.

Next up: John of What Culture War also feels the Maglalang Magic!

I’d like to try my hand at a Malkin blog entry, except please try and imagine where the links go yourselves. It isn’t tough.

MOONBAT ILLEGALS MARCH

More unhinged moonbats:

(pasted text about one specific illegal immigrant who said something unsavory)

Don’t forget about this. Or that guy who said this.

Allah Pundit gets it:

Holy fuck, do I hate these illegal aliens.
More here. BigJim has posted some pics of illegals. LaShawn Barber agrees, and gets it.

More here.

Wonder if the MSM will cover this? I’m not holding my breath.

By the way, click here to see those Muslim cartoon from a few months ago.

LaShawn Barber still gets it.

WaPo. Reuters. Sports Illustrated. CNN. Pottery Barn.

Reader Janet is fed up:
�
I advocate the killing of all illegals, and I’m not kidding.
�

Let’s see if the MSM advocates the killing of all illegals. I’m not holding my breath.

PREVIOUS
Moonbats on parade
Look at these moonbats
Illegal moonbats
Illegals: “We exist”
Look at me make a big show about disagreeing with President Bush
Goodnight, Moonbat
I’m not holding my breath

Our third contestant Mark feels his E.D. has reached the point where he can take on a Ph.D. I think it would go a little something�like this:

Dear Dr. Mike

Why do you hate women so much?

Dolores

First of all, Dolores, did you ever realize your name rhymes with clitoris? When you become a prostitute, you could probably work that.
Second, since you obviously hate men, what kind of hooker are you going to be? Are there that many lesbians willing to pay you to perform the "vagina monologues" on them?

THis reminds me of the time I tried to poison one of my colleagues--I mean--when one of my leftist colleagues accused me of trying to poison her. She was one of those man hating feminazis who never shaved (she could grow a better mustache than me!) who, though she was "supposedly married," was undoubtedly really a butch lesbian who regularly had her lesbian students over and they would eat each other's pussies and strap on enormous dildos and

Oh, I'm sorry, where was I? Oh, be sure to get Ben Shapiro's Porn Generation, where he disects how porn ruins peoples' lives, especially that lesbian porn, with that hot, hot, lesbian sex, which drives me so fucking crazy that I can't take

[Townhall editor: Please submit your non-vagina related questions to askdrmike@townhall.com. Questions should be brief and to the point and contain no references to any parts of the female anatomy.]

And speaking of Dr. Professor Mike's BFF, the Bishop of Best Western, Doug Piles pulls the 4×4 around, tosses in the doe estrus, .30-.06, and the styling mousse, and sets off to bag hisself a ten-point metaphor:

Would Jesus, if the Big Guy could hop into a gyroscope or other kick-ass space vehicle and pop down to ther green 'n' blue to �check out� the state of the world and not get a faceful of lesbo-feminist armpit hair for his troubles, like Liberals? No. He�d make like Vanilla Ice and exit stage left, pausing only to Christ-slap a few girly-manical, testosterone-deprived, metrosexual, mascara-laden focus-group Ted Kennedy wannabes mano-a-mano and maybe pick up a pound or two of antelope jerky for the return trip. It�s like I said to Ted �the Nuge� Nuggent when we were punching hammerhead sharks in the cojones before chapel, JC never mentions socialist healthcare or Brokeback Mountaineering once during the Old Testament. It�s enough to make you rip the head off a bear to hear the furry buttock�d WHY-men of the bra-burning left jabber like a flock of costive hyenas about peace and love when you know the chances of them giving you a �piece� of �love� is about the same as Archie Bunker giving Paula Abdul a hickey. And that�s my clash point, as I haven�t said for a while.

Belatedly informed that the fancy-schmancy-Nancy Boy poodles running this contest are trying to emasculate his clash point with a cat�s cradle of red tape, Doug remarks:

Oh, there were rules, eh? Well Jesus kicking liberal ass is always news as my friend Kathy Ireland said after we gutted thirty marmosets yesterday. Nude!

And what would a compendium of Wingnut greats be without the owl droppings of Fox News hooter Neil Cavuto. Simon Waugh tells us how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie center:

�You might think that what brought my Irish mother and my Italian father together was the fact that they were both immigrants and that they were both Catholics, but there was something else that made them stick to each other.
And that something else was oil.
Whether it was holy oil or olive oil it was sacred to them both.
Oil was life.
It softened the pasta and fried to a crisp the potatoes and unidentifiable animal parts that fed us
And if it hadn�t been for the oil, I probably would never have been born.

Today millions of immigrants claim that they are the oil that lubricates the US economy. And in the past few days they have tried to stop that flow of �oil� just like OPEC did in the 70�s.
Jimmy Carter of course caved to the blackmail, and restricted our freedom of choice and the country fell into recession. That�s what happens when Democrat�s try to wield executive power.
But Reagan stood up to the oil cartel and turned the crisis into a victory. His stance killed the sales of fuel efficient cars from the Europeans and the Japanese and restored jobs to American auto workers.

As the son of immigrants I think I can claim a bit more knowledge about this subject than the average Liberal whose typical lineage is communist euro-trash of the type we Americans cast off in the War of Independence.

These days we are facing another War of Independence�independence from illegal immigrants who, with their ridiculous low-riding pimpmobiles are illegally consuming the oil that legal patriotic citizens need to support the oil industry that helps pay for the War On Terror.

So when you hear these immigrants claiming that they want to be Americans, don�t believe a word of it.
If they really wanted to be Americans they should first learn English and then get a real job instead of sponging off the generosity of this great nation and siphoning billions of dollars back to their Stalinist leaders like Hugo Chavez.

But how do we fight this illegal immigrant army?

We remove the reason they come here in the first place which is of course welfare and all the other social programs that the liberals won�t let George Bush reform.
Then we round up the illegals and force them to compensate for all the money and oil they�ve stolen by making them build a 300 foot high border wall supervised by Halliburton/Bechtel.
Then we form a new agency called The Illegal Agency which will mandate that all the liberals who let the illegal immigrants cross the border escort them back, supervised by experienced contractors such as BlackWater and Custer-Battles.
Once we�ve secured our borders and are safe behind their walls America will no longer be exploited by foreigners and we can return to the real business of America�the business of freedom.

And that�s just common sense.”

And finally, David E. brings us perilously close to uncovering the origins of Pastor Swank�s Muppety syntax. Can we handle the truth? Let�s find out:

HOMO NUPS LEAD TO SUFFERING

Readers of papers such as the New York Times learned today that competing ballots measures conflict with voters in Colorado on whether to allow the homo nups. I say unto them that they must vote to prevent it. No one can claim they cannot do their part to defeat the homosexual agendaists: do or do not � there is no try.

Named must your fear be before banish it you can. We have no reason to fear God, except when he is wroth, and believe me that wroth he is at the thought of sweaty, crusty mansex. I know that the homo agenda can be tempting, with its musical comedies and high-quality fabrics, but resist it you must. Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will.

Size matters not. That is, the size of your commitment to fight the homo nups. If you do not, that is why you fail. We cannot allow homo nups to happen, for then the dark side clouds everything. Impossible to see the future is. Already know that which you need, to shove the hot throbbing truth down the throats of the homo. Always in motion is the future. This fight we can win. Must win. Bad feeling I have about this.

The nups have even appearing on the Sopranos, with a homo mobster and they said they would �pay for therapy� instead of killing him. So in summaration, you must confront Colorado. Only then, a Christian will you be.

And those are our finalists. Now it’s up to you, the gimlet-eyed Wo’C reader to crown the winner of the First Annual Write Like a Wingnut Competition (made possible by a grant from the Mobil Corporation). Please vote for your favorite mock screed in the comments, and we’ll announce the winner on Wednesday.

Posted by scott on Monday, May 8th, 2006 at 3:28 pm.

John has my vote for his Malkin screed. It is terrifying in its plausibility.

Left by Ted on May 8th, 2006

I think Ortho-Bob IS Doug Giles! Thus, he earns my vote.

Left by Thorlac on May 8th, 2006

“crusty mansex”????
I vote for David E, so long as he promises to never, ever write anything like that ever again. I have lost my appetite for a week.

Left by BeginningToWonder on May 8th, 2006

I think everybody stepped over the line here, except me, so free-market forces and common sense says I win.
But in the true spirit of manufactured democracy AND the premise of this competition I shallin the guise of one those angry bed-wetting pro-terrorist anti family america-hating flip-flopping “progressives” like Kos or Atrios cast my votes ( I get to have more than one because I’m a finalist) for….
JOHN! who so perfectly captured Malkin’s style of writing and the depth and breadth of her “reporting”.
But if there’s any chance of a “quintessential phrase” award I’d nominate Tara for…
“To prove they were celebrating the deaths of Amercian soldiers, here�s a picture of Mr. Garcia smiling.”
Perfect Malkin!
Doug Piles for…
“And that�s my clash point, as I haven�t said for a while.” Spot on!
And David E. for just being a bit weird…
“I know that the homo agenda can be tempting, with its musical comedies and high-quality fabrics, but resist it you must.”
Too damn funny!

Left by Simon Waugh on May 8th, 2006

Fake!Swank by David E. That’s some swanky crazy going on there.

Left by chris on May 8th, 2006

Tara, Tara, Tara! (According to my Diebold handbook, that counts as 3 votes.)

Left by Bride of Acheron on May 8th, 2006

Simon’s piece is eerily realistic. And it can double as a Lou Dobbs parody.
He gets my vote, though Tara manages second in a photo-finish. (If you can get Malkin to post Simon’s phone number and address you could win this thing.)
You should all be proud, though. Or ashamed. Or adjust your medications.

Left by D. Sidhe on May 8th, 2006

I’ts me again. Sorry but I’m just needy.
Thanks D.Sidhe, for the vote. “I appreciate you”.
Actually someone named Smith who simply linked to his own site in the comments of the intial competition announcemnet does a really scary job of wingnut chanelling.
I was planning on increasing my odds by also doing John Gibson who I think is more fundamentally nutty than Cavuto, but I couldn’t afford the likely therapy afterwards.
I’d just like to mention in all sincerity I don’t know how the hell WO’C stays sane.

Left by Simon Waugh on May 8th, 2006

I cast my vote for Simon. May his oil continue to soften and crisp.

Left by A cranny mint on May 8th, 2006

I win. Although I wasn’t among the finalists, I win. To paraphrase Dark Helmut: Evil always wins because good is dumb.

Left by The Devil's Advocate on May 8th, 2006

Doug Piles (“It�s like I said to Ted �the Nuge� Nuggent when we were punching hammerhead sharks in the cojones before chapel”) and Mark (“Oh, sorry, where was I?”). Both so breathless… thereby fully capturing the heavy-breathing wingnut ambiance. Actually, they’re all good!

Left by Temperance on May 8th, 2006

Doug Piles and his Woozle named Peanut.

Left by Bill the Splut on May 8th, 2006

David E., that’s Swank.

Left by sj on May 8th, 2006

I’m honored (and thoroughly frightened) to be in the company of such unhinged wingnuttery.

Left by Tara the anti-social social worker on May 8th, 2006

I vote for John’s Malkin impression. I might have voted for ‘Doug Piles’ but I think cut-n-pasting an actual Doug Giles column is against the rules.

Left by The Kenosha Kid on May 8th, 2006

Count my vote for Simon’s Neil Cavuto, in honor of striking that perfect note of thin-veneer-of-ordinary-crackpotism-masking-roiling-pit-of-satanic-bile. I’d have voted for Doug, but the furry buttocks part made me vomit. Great work by all the contestants, though!

Left by sophronia on May 9th, 2006

Simon says: Simon wins.

Left by J on May 9th, 2006

It’s an honor just to be nominated. You like me, you really like me! But if you don’t vote for me, I’ll invade your homes, kill your women and baptize your pets…oh wait, are we still writing like a wingnut?

Left by David E. on May 9th, 2006

All the entries were great, but I gotta go with Simon. He had that real Faux News opening. Simon’s triple gambit of oil and immigrants and Catholic parents could have been about sending immigrants to Iraq, Cheney, gay marriage, about a father fighting in World War II, Dominos pizza stock options, school vouchers, – really anything at all – and then, in true Fox fashion, it goes further and further out there with ever more tenuous connections to sanity, and then there is the complete snap. Still, just before Cavuto’s head floats off into the upper stratosphere over wingnuttia, we get the perfect Cavuto line: “And that�s just common sense.”

Left by tomg on May 9th, 2006

I suppose it’s too late to resuscitate my feeble, albeit short, attempts at Groganesque? Well, then, lock and load and go for Doug Piles, and stop yer girly-man whining!

Left by heydave on May 9th, 2006

Doug Piles gets my vote.

Left by CLD on May 9th, 2006

I think I need help rather than prizes. It’s worryingly easy to start spouting this stuff and I’m worried I might not get to the end of this email before a horrid transformation takes place, my chin begins to cleft, my hair develops a manful oiliness and… Sweet Jesus, where did all the buffalo viscera appear from?

Left by Ortho-Bob (aka Doug Piles) on May 9th, 2006

David E. has out-Swanked Swank. “Give him the $10,000!” /homer

Left by Charlotte Smith on May 9th, 2006

David E!

Left by The Green Knight on May 9th, 2006

Simon Waugh beats out David E. by a nose. Both were great, but David channeled the Pastor when he was obviously under the influence of Yoda…. That’s just common sense.

Left by Marion G. Paquin on May 9th, 2006

Simon Waugh.
Any family that realized the error of naming a boy “Evelyn” deserves a second chance.

Left by actor212 on May 9th, 2006

Simon Waugh Says:
May 8th, 2006 at 7:02 pm
I was planning on increasing my odds by also doing John Gibson who I think is more fundamentally nutty than Cavuto, but I couldn�t afford the likely therapy afterwards.
You know, Simon, there are some images I can live without…

Left by actor212 on May 9th, 2006

Do I win something if the candidate I voted for wins?

Left by BeginningToWonder on May 9th, 2006

SIMON!! SIMON!! SIMON!!

Left by radicalpurple on May 9th, 2006

Simon! It was so creepily real.

Left by Kathy on May 9th, 2006

My piles are bothering me, so I’ll have to go with Doug.

Left by kall on May 9th, 2006

Simon!

Left by not_over_it on May 9th, 2006

Gosh, now I’m glad I DIDN”T enter this thing-there’s no way I could have come up with anything as good as these. Eeny, meeny, miny…the GILES PARODY.
The rest are tied for second place.

Left by Bill S on May 9th, 2006

Tara has that vindictive air of Ms. Maglalang/Malkin down pat (and I don’t mean Pat Robertson). So few words needed to capture the mean-spiritedness of our flavorite would-be immigrant-slayer.
It frightens me how thoroughly we can capture the “souls” of these people (if that’s what we’re grasping here). All of the entrants are great, by the way. It’s a multi-faceted photo-montage finish!
Ed

Left by Ed Drone on May 9th, 2006

One vote for Tara and Jesse.
Of course, now that she’ll have to move, the prize mug might get stashed in some box that won’t be opened for months…

Left by arghous on May 9th, 2006

Hmm…hard to choose, loved both Simon and Tara’s (and everyone else’s, too), but after watching Lou Dobbs tonight and reading Simon’s comments about holy pasta oil, I’m gonna have to go with… Simon!

Left by Elderta on May 9th, 2006

Waugh
Oil is more slippery than blood.

Left by Canid on May 9th, 2006

These were all enjoyable, but I could just hear so clearly that nasally Neil Cavuto running out of breath at the end of every sentence in Simon’s piece I vote for it.
I especially like the sober delivery of an oxymoronic statement as if it really were “common sense”:
Once we�ve secured our borders and are safe behind their walls America will no longer be exploited by foreigners and we can return to the real business of America�the business of freedom.

Left by Fantod on May 10th, 2006

Doug Giles guy! Doug Giles guy!

Left by Tim on May 10th, 2006

Tara!

Left by Georgina on May 10th, 2006

3rd place? What the hell do I like to you people, Ralph Nader? This is unacceptable. I needed a SHOWER after writing that. I demand a recount, s.z.! (You’ll find more votes for me in an envelope with $100 and a MST3K DVD – no questions asked. Don’t tell the others.)

Left by David E. on May 10th, 2006

I very tardily (and tard-ly) vote for John’s Malkin impression. This is all very weird, since I just found the new site, and was just about to post my own summary of Malkin’s writing:
Moonbat unhinged tin-foil hat unhinged unhinged moonbat unhinged tin-foil hat moonbat I hate Mexicans. Moonbat unhinged unhinged moonbat tin-foil hat tin-foil hat moonbat unhinged moonbat tin-foil hat I hate Arabs. Democrats are evil and moonbat moonbat tin-foil hat unhinged moonbat tin-foil hat unhinged. Moonbat moonbat boy, I wish I were white moonbat unhinged tin-foil hat moonbat.
John does a much better job.

Left by Jerry on May 10th, 2006

Tara! It was just so creepy.
Thwy’re all wonderful in a really horrible way. Great distraction from my day, but now I have to go try to scrub myself clean in the bathroom sink at work.

Left by Jessicat on May 10th, 2006