Thanks to all who contributed their doppleganger drivel. The deft evocation of right wing tropes and stylings prove that Wo’C commenters lead the world in the field of Wingnut Studies, and we are hereby awarding all contestants a Ph.D which we’re pretty sure is just slightly less legitimate than the doctorate awarded to the Scrawcrow at the end of The Wizard of Oz, and slightly more than the one awarded to Mike Adams.
The only problem is that the quality of the entries was a little too good, making it very difficult to cull the herd. So we’ve doubled the number of finalists to 6, and without further ado, we proudly present them for your delectation:
First up in the Junior Spokesmodel Competition — Tara the anti-social social worker channels Michelle Malkin:
Mr. Jose Garcia, a Mexican and therefore presumably an illegal immigrant and potential terrorist, was spotted at the Quaker party to celebrate the deaths of American soldiers. To prove they were celebrating the deaths of Amercian soldiers, here’s a picture of Mr. Garcia smiling.
Mr. Garcia lives at 123 NotAWingnut Street in Podunk, Idaho. His phone number is 555-5555. His email is SaveMeFromWingnuts @Heeelp.com. He started wearing a bulletproof vest after seeing me, but there’s a gun shop at 225 KillEmAll Street that sells armor-piercing ammo.
Reader Janet is fed up:
I advocate the killing of all illegals, and I’m not kidding.
Let’s see if the MSM advocates the killing of all illegals. I’m not holding my breath.
Moonbats on parade
Look at these moonbats
Illegals: “We exist”
Look at me make a big show about disagreeing with President Bush
I’m not holding my breath
Our third contestant Mark feels his E.D. has reached the point where he can take on a Ph.D. I think it would go a little something�like this:
Dear Dr. Mike
Why do you hate women so much?
First of all, Dolores, did you ever realize your name rhymes with clitoris? When you become a prostitute, you could probably work that.
Second, since you obviously hate men, what kind of hooker are you going to be? Are there that many lesbians willing to pay you to perform the "vagina monologues" on them?
THis reminds me of the time I tried to poison one of my colleagues--I mean--when one of my leftist colleagues accused me of trying to poison her. She was one of those man hating feminazis who never shaved (she could grow a better mustache than me!) who, though she was "supposedly married," was undoubtedly really a butch lesbian who regularly had her lesbian students over and they would eat each other's pussies and strap on enormous dildos and
Oh, I'm sorry, where was I? Oh, be sure to get Ben Shapiro's Porn Generation, where he disects how porn ruins peoples' lives, especially that lesbian porn, with that hot, hot, lesbian sex, which drives me so fucking crazy that I can't take
[Townhall editor: Please submit your non-vagina related questions to firstname.lastname@example.org. Questions should be brief and to the point and contain no references to any parts of the female anatomy.]
And speaking of Dr. Professor Mike's BFF, the Bishop of Best Western, Doug Piles pulls the 4×4 around, tosses in the doe estrus, .30-.06, and the styling mousse, and sets off to bag hisself a ten-point metaphor:
Would Jesus, if the Big Guy could hop into a gyroscope or other kick-ass space vehicle and pop down to ther green 'n' blue to �check out� the state of the world and not get a faceful of lesbo-feminist armpit hair for his troubles, like Liberals? No. He�d make like Vanilla Ice and exit stage left, pausing only to Christ-slap a few girly-manical, testosterone-deprived, metrosexual, mascara-laden focus-group Ted Kennedy wannabes mano-a-mano and maybe pick up a pound or two of antelope jerky for the return trip. It�s like I said to Ted �the Nuge� Nuggent when we were punching hammerhead sharks in the cojones before chapel, JC never mentions socialist healthcare or Brokeback Mountaineering once during the Old Testament. It�s enough to make you rip the head off a bear to hear the furry buttock�d WHY-men of the bra-burning left jabber like a flock of costive hyenas about peace and love when you know the chances of them giving you a �piece� of �love� is about the same as Archie Bunker giving Paula Abdul a hickey. And that�s my clash point, as I haven�t said for a while.
Belatedly informed that the fancy-schmancy-Nancy Boy poodles running this contest are trying to emasculate his clash point with a cat�s cradle of red tape, Doug remarks:
Oh, there were rules, eh? Well Jesus kicking liberal ass is always news as my friend Kathy Ireland said after we gutted thirty marmosets yesterday. Nude!
And what would a compendium of Wingnut greats be without the owl droppings of Fox News hooter Neil Cavuto. Simon Waugh tells us how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie center:
�You might think that what brought my Irish mother and my Italian father together was the fact that they were both immigrants and that they were both Catholics, but there was something else that made them stick to each other.
And that something else was oil.
Whether it was holy oil or olive oil it was sacred to them both.
Oil was life.
It softened the pasta and fried to a crisp the potatoes and unidentifiable animal parts that fed us
And if it hadn�t been for the oil, I probably would never have been born.
Today millions of immigrants claim that they are the oil that lubricates the US economy. And in the past few days they have tried to stop that flow of �oil� just like OPEC did in the 70�s.
Jimmy Carter of course caved to the blackmail, and restricted our freedom of choice and the country fell into recession. That�s what happens when Democrat�s try to wield executive power.
But Reagan stood up to the oil cartel and turned the crisis into a victory. His stance killed the sales of fuel efficient cars from the Europeans and the Japanese and restored jobs to American auto workers.
As the son of immigrants I think I can claim a bit more knowledge about this subject than the average Liberal whose typical lineage is communist euro-trash of the type we Americans cast off in the War of Independence.
These days we are facing another War of Independence�independence from illegal immigrants who, with their ridiculous low-riding pimpmobiles are illegally consuming the oil that legal patriotic citizens need to support the oil industry that helps pay for the War On Terror.
So when you hear these immigrants claiming that they want to be Americans, don�t believe a word of it.
If they really wanted to be Americans they should first learn English and then get a real job instead of sponging off the generosity of this great nation and siphoning billions of dollars back to their Stalinist leaders like Hugo Chavez.
But how do we fight this illegal immigrant army?
We remove the reason they come here in the first place which is of course welfare and all the other social programs that the liberals won�t let George Bush reform.
Then we round up the illegals and force them to compensate for all the money and oil they�ve stolen by making them build a 300 foot high border wall supervised by Halliburton/Bechtel.
Then we form a new agency called The Illegal Agency which will mandate that all the liberals who let the illegal immigrants cross the border escort them back, supervised by experienced contractors such as BlackWater and Custer-Battles.
Once we�ve secured our borders and are safe behind their walls America will no longer be exploited by foreigners and we can return to the real business of America�the business of freedom.
And that�s just common sense.”
And finally, David E. brings us perilously close to uncovering the origins of Pastor Swank�s Muppety syntax. Can we handle the truth? Let�s find out:
HOMO NUPS LEAD TO SUFFERING
Readers of papers such as the New York Times learned today that competing ballots measures conflict with voters in Colorado on whether to allow the homo nups. I say unto them that they must vote to prevent it. No one can claim they cannot do their part to defeat the homosexual agendaists: do or do not � there is no try.
Named must your fear be before banish it you can. We have no reason to fear God, except when he is wroth, and believe me that wroth he is at the thought of sweaty, crusty mansex. I know that the homo agenda can be tempting, with its musical comedies and high-quality fabrics, but resist it you must. Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will.
Size matters not. That is, the size of your commitment to fight the homo nups. If you do not, that is why you fail. We cannot allow homo nups to happen, for then the dark side clouds everything. Impossible to see the future is. Already know that which you need, to shove the hot throbbing truth down the throats of the homo. Always in motion is the future. This fight we can win. Must win. Bad feeling I have about this.
The nups have even appearing on the Sopranos, with a homo mobster and they said they would �pay for therapy� instead of killing him. So in summaration, you must confront Colorado. Only then, a Christian will you be.
And those are our finalists. Now it’s up to you, the gimlet-eyed Wo’C reader to crown the winner of the First Annual Write Like a Wingnut Competition (made possible by a grant from the Mobil Corporation). Please vote for your favorite mock screed in the comments, and we’ll announce the winner on Wednesday.
Posted by scott on Monday, May 8th, 2006 at 3:28 pm.