The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, world-o-crap.com (2006 to 2010).

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Friday, January 21, 2011

May 2, 2006 by scott

Hugh Hewitt (Hugh Beaumont without the dangerous sexuality) points us to a National Review Online piece by Colorado Representative and anti-immigrant messiah Tom Tancredo. It’s a delightful thought experiment in which the congressman imagines how sweet life would be if he could have just one goddamn day without illegal aliens! Is that so much to ask?
What would a day without illegal aliens really be like? Let's try to imagine it…if illegal aliens all took the day off and were truly invisible for one day, there would be some plusses along with the mild inconveniences.
Hospital emergency rooms across the southwest would have about 20-percent fewer patients, and there would be 183,000 fewer people in Colorado without health insurance.
Hear, hear! It really burns my toast when I think about these parasites clinging to the roof of a jitney all the way from El Salvador, and then waltzing across a couple hundred miles of slightly irradiated Nevada desert so they can leech off our plentiful, free, and well-supplied emergency rooms. That only encourages the other 32% of Colorado residents without health insurance to do the same! Which proves that the biggest problem posed by illegal immigration isn’t one of security or economics — it’s that brown people give white people ideas.
Fortunately, Rep. Tancredo has a strategy, first revealed in his 2003 vote on HR 1298, a bill to establish a five-year program, authorizing $3 billion each year to prevent and treat HIV, AIDS, Tuberculosis, and Malaria in highly infected countries, namely Africa. His plan is simple: vote NO on crap like this (starting, of course, with the overseas programs, which can be used as a sort of laboratory to test new theories of health care, sort of like the fine work done by the Tuskeegee Syphilis Study). As the Congressman’s thought experiment on the "Day-Without-an-Immigrant Boycott" demonstrates, removing people removes their problems, i.e., dead people don't clog up our hospitals demanding treatment. (Well, they clog up the morgue, but that's usually in the basement.)
Youth gangs would see their membership drop by 50 percent in many states
Well, maybe the Sharks, but not the Jets!
and in Phoenix, child-molestation cases would drop by 34 percent
68% if it turns out the local diocese is staffed by illegal immigrants.
Colorado taxpayers would save almost $3,000,000 in one day if illegals do not access any public services, because illegal aliens cost the state over $1 billion annually according to the best estimates
Representative Tancredo doesn't cite his source, but an anonymous Hill staffer implies it was Jim "Scooter" Pye, a Denver-area businessman who is known for giving the best estimates on vinyl-siding your home. Other Washington insiders dispute this, claiming the figures were provided by Todd Mackey of Boulder Aamco, who frequently supplies Congress with estimates on transmission maintenance and repair. But the staffer remains unpersuaded, remarking that Mackey "gives good estimates, but not the best estimates."
In Durango, Colorado, and the Four Corners area and the surrounding Indian reservations, the methamphetamine epidemic would slow for one day, as the 90 percent of that drug now being brought in from Mexico was held in Albuquerque and Farmington a few hours longer
When nearby San Bernardino became the methamphetamine capital of the West a few years ago, the incidents of murder and assault skyrocketed. So if you're not going to interdict the drugs, just delay them for a few hours, there’s some question if this is really such a swell idea. I'm no expert, but I can't see the upside of making a paranoid, jittery, heavily armed meth addict, you know, impatient.
According to the sheriff of La Plata County, Colorado, meth is now being brought in by ordinary illegal aliens as well as professional drug dealers.
Far be it from me to quibble with the sheriff of La Plata County, but I can't help wondering just what percentage of "ordinary illegal aliens" is smuggling crystal meth across the border. 50%? 10%? 1%? I don't mean to cavil, but it does seem like an odd thing to carry on your back across the sunbaked wastelands when a bottle of water and a Power Bar would probably come in a little more handy, so you'd think the sheriff could at least get off his khaki twilled butt and call Scooter Pye for a best estimate.
Colorado's jails and prisons would have 10-percent fewer inmates, and Denver and many other towns would not need to build so many new jails to accommodate the overcrowding.
Good point. Of course, over 20% of Colorado's prison population is incarcerated for non-violent drug offenses, so if the "Day-Without-a-Wingnut Boycott" had been held when Congressman Tancredo voted to criminalize needle exchange and medical marijuana, the remaining inmates would really have some extra leg-room.
Our highway patrol and county sheriffs would have about far fewer DUI arrests
This would also be true if Dick Cheney would just stop driving through town. By the way, some nickpickers might complain that using the words "about far fewer" as a statistic doesn't really buttress your argument; but like the Congressman, we are not slaves to mindless precision, and think he was right to hedge his figures. Well, he was about right.
...and there would be a dramatic decline in rollovers of vanloads of illegal aliens on I-70 and other highways.
As was conclusively proven by last year's "Day-Without-A-Suzuki-Samurai Boycott."
and auto theft [would decrease] by 40 percent.
In our humble opinion, a more effective means of handling this would be a "Day-Without-a-Nicholas Cage"
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21 Responses to “A Day Without Wingnuts”

Jesus, think what these people would be like without the humanizing effect of Christianity.
No way, dudes. Illegal immigrants are all thieving crack ho’s who should be shot on sight. If we just had a law that would empower white people to demand green cards from any brown people they see, and then shoot the lousy pro-terrorist wetbacks when they can’t produce one, America would be a safer, cleaner, more decent, and more family values friendly environment for our children. And for the love of Christ, will no one think of the children? At long last, have you no decency, sir?
How about a congress without Tancredo?
“�and there would be a dramatic decline in rollovers of vanloads of illegal aliens on I-70 and other highways.”
Yeah, I imagine that decline would be pretty dramatic. Along with the dramatic decline of illegal aliens spitting on the sidewalk, etc. Kinda follows from the “no illegals” premise, don’t it?
But Tommy Boy has given me an idea- it’s not just the illegals, it’s the fucking *people*. A people-less United States would have ZERO operating meth labs. ZERO rapes. ZERO fucking idiotic congressmen pretending that “a whole lot” is the sort of hard number we ought to be basing our domestic policies on…
“I’ll show you assholes what a day without immigrants looks like!!” –Crazy Horse to Gen George A. Custer at Little Big Horn, July 1876.
So, any bets on him being the 2008 Republican Vice-Presidential candidate??
I’d be interested in knowing about the stats on Mexican meth smugglers myself. You see, I come from Kansas (aka The Meth Capital of America) and it’s always been my understanding that most of that stuff is American-made.
All I’m saying is that if we got rid of all the middle-aged white men in middle America, the meth epidemic would vanish overnight.
I wonder how Senator Tancredo would feel if all Italian immigrants and their ancestors were said to have links to crime, through ethnic association via the Mafia? He really should shut his big mouth and celebrate the great ethnic diversity this country has always harbored.
To quote my favorite Italian American: “It’s not getting any better out there…you will have to come to terms with stupidity…and make it work for you”
(F.Zappa)
We are trying Frank, it just keeps getting harder every day.
Correction:
That would be desendants…(as Senator Tancredo) not ancestors.
You know, I was already walking that fine line betweendisgustedly amused and outright fucking misanthropic, and then Doghouse’s and Woodrowfan’s comments pushed me over the edge.
I’m gonna go spend the rest of the day lying down and imagining a people-less world. No crime at all! None of those damned poor people making us feel guilty about not keeping them from dying!
I have a feeling the salamanders and giraffes would approve, anyway.
PS: Can I whine that I don’t like the new font color? You know how I am. And still no preview.
“Jesus, think what these people would be like without the humanizing effect of Christianity.”
Doghouse, I must inform you that the humanizing aspects of Christianity are optional with certain xtians. This depending on whimsy and offense taken.
Poor, brown people are offensive, so those certain xtians shift into wrathful, punishing God mode as suits their prejudices and hatred.
Hee hee! What’s that ya say, a day without immygrints? Well, I kin grant yore wish mister ’cause I’m Immigranty, the immigrant sprite!
And meth continues to be provided to Southern California by the whitest trash of the Inland Empire, not the immygrints.
Hee hee! What�s that ya say, a day without immygrints?
Hey, a Coily ref. That’s something you don’t see every day without immigrants.
Yes, people who fear deportment by the government love to go to the government for help.
Drew,
Actually the majority of the meth consumed in the U.S is, indeed made in Mexico. Small time meth labs in this country account for a small percentage of meth.
I took a class in deportment once, but it didn’t help much—I still slouch!
“Hee hee! What�s that ya say, a day without immygrints? Well, I kin grant yore wish mister �cause I�m Immigranty, the immigrant sprite!”
GOP LunkHead–”Hey! My house hasn’t been cleaned and my lawn and garden look like crap!”
~(whistle whistle) No Immygrants!
GOP LunkHead–”Hey! A bunch of fine young men and women who serve in our armed forces protecting our Country and each other just disappeared!
~(whistle whistle) No Immygrants!
All I�m saying is that if we got rid of all the middle-aged white men in middle America, the meth epidemic would vanish overnight.
And the barnyard-animal-fucking epidemic.
Gus,
Actually the majority of the meth consumed in the U.S is, indeed made in Mexico. Small time meth labs in this country account for a small percentage of meth.
I understand that this dynamic has been changing in the past decade- do you have a cite for your statement?
Thanks.
Wonder if the dynamic of that changed since pharmacies in the US have started limiting the amount of Sudafed they sell.

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