The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, world-o-crap.com (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Swank o' the Day

It’s the weekend, so let’s get crazy with Swank, who still hasn’t recovered from Halloween (he never should have watched Satan’s Cheerleaders while drinking Old Dad and snorting Pixie Stix)
America’s Dem-nable Pit
If Dems sit upon America’s throne, we will have:
Abortion clinics on every corner.
Wow, that’s a lot of abortion clinics! In my town, we don’t have anything on every corner, except maybe rocks (it’s probably a zoning issue). So, if you’re in the construction business, it sounds like you’ll be getting a lot of business  if the Dems get their chance on the throne.   Just a little tip.
Same-gender ‘marriages’ blessed on every blissful boulevard.
In my town, none of our boulevards are particularly blissful, so I guess we won’t have to worry about same-gender marriage chapels springing up next to all of our abortion clinics.
Schools engineered for European secularism cloning.
We’ll be cloning Europeans in our schools? Cool!  Even if we have to do it secularly, it should make biology class a lot more interesting!
Condom machines under every lamppost.
My town does have a lot of lampposts, so I should probably invest in condom machine stocks now, before the boom.
Christmas symbols stored in underground caves in favor of “Season’s greetings” stamps on every envelope.
Underground Christmas caves? Okay, now the Pastor is just having us on.
Evangelicals judicially categorized as social nuisances, their publications and preaching examined by the state.
Can the judicial system officially categorize people as “social nuisances?” Because if so, I have some suggestions for the court to consider, starting with the columnist who wrote this:
The John Kerry idiot sentence reveals a blockhead typical to the Dem genre.

26 Responses to “Swank o’ the Day”

Crazy?
Stupid?
An elaborate put-on?
I really can’t tell anymore.
The John Kerry idiot sentence reveals a blockhead typical to the Dem genre.
An understanding inherent of comments blockheaded certainly Swank far expertly would have, clearly.
If we’re cloning Europeans, I’m sure it will be a bunch of Czechs. They do a lot of gay porn you know. Those damned Dems.
If married couples are all same sex, and all women have abortions, then cloning will be the only way to reproduce, won’t it?
Hmmm…condom machines under every lamppost? Well, if the heathans are going to be fornicating, at least they’ll do it safely!
Ahhh… watching these people froth at the mouth over the prospect of losing their lapdogs in government is actually kind of fun!
Actually that doesn’t sound all that horrible.
…Dogs and cats, Living together…
Abortion clinics on every corner, eh? Maybe they can conver some Starbucks…
You missed the best one!
Mosques given free reign for property acquisition and construction.
Yes, the Demoncrats will actually allow Muslims to buy property!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!
As long as the Swankster is published in Post Chronicle and talking about condoms, they’ll be condom ads in every article. The Swankster’s article has a content link (yes, it is sort of like the google, Mr. President)so in case you don’t know what, say, a condom is, an ad pops up, in this case one selling Durex “for as low as 10 cents each.” Now there’s a quality product.
His whole column is this odd combination of Jeremiah and Wal-Marts. Actually, somebody should tell Swank that his “Muslims encouraged to run for public office” has a pop-up for Muslim Matrimonials. Whatever ad agency set that up either has the most delightful sense of humor or is grossly incompetent.
ooh! I invented a word for the good pastor’s inimitable writing style – Swanktorum. What’re the votes on it?
JoeBuddha, everyone knows that latte-swilling Dems still need Starbucks. We’re simply going to make them dual-use coffee shops and abortion clinics. Coming November 8th the new RU-486 Coconut Mint Frappachino. It’s Swank-tastic!
So they’ll be Muslim owned properties on every corner featuring abortion clinics, lampposts with condom machines, underground Christmas lairs and John Kerry clones.
I can live with that.
I once worked at a Starbucks, and they’re more evil than anything the Swankster can make up.
“…The John Kerry idiot sentence reveals a blockhead typical to the Dem genre.”
Huh? C’mon Rush, don’t talk with your mouth full of Oxy’s…
My goodness. Won’t the poor Swankster be disappointed when the Democrats take Congress – and he is allowed to continue his worthless work just the same as before?
Still, you gotta give the man credit for one helluva imagination. Maybe he should be collaborating on those “Left Behind” books…
…We’ll be cloning Europeans in our schools?…
Neat. I’ve always wanted my own Fanny Ardant. To help with my work at the office of course.
“True. The President championed that which is blatantly illegal, that is, illegal residences remaining intact in the USA.”
So, we’re not going to tear down any illegal housing in the US? All vacant, rat-infested crack-houses can rejoice.
So, here it is a couple of days left and I have this beautiful, home-made anti-RNC cartoon and nowhere even mildly visible to post it. If anybody likes it, and feels compelled to put it on a page where more than 1 (one!) person will see it and comment, please feel free. Thanks.
Cartoon
Oh, and an un-doctored pic I took of the Capitol Bldg in January of 2006. It looks kind of relevant though.
capitol
Steal it. Post it. Enjoy it.
“I, for one, welcome our new christian overlords. I’d like to remind them that as a trusted blogging commentor, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground christmas caves.”
Evangelicals judicially categorized as social nuisances
He says that like it would be a bad thing.
If Dems sit upon America’s throne, we will have:
Abortion clinics on every corner.
We already do. They call them “Starbucks”. That coffee could retroactively abort people, it’s so bad!
Same-gender ‘marriages’ blessed on every blissful boulevard.
“blessed on every blissful boulevard”?
There’s alliteration, and then there’s putting your fingers up to your lips and going wubble wubble wubble with them while talking.
S’wank? Sure is!
Good Lord!! Glenn Greenwald at
http://tinyurl.com/y3rtxk
says that Bush and Co actually read right-wing blogs!! Not only that, they’re actually influenced by them!!
The likes of Powerline, Michelle Malkin and Little Green Footballs actually DO “Rule Our World”!!

Pastor Ted's Evangelical Adventures

Caption this one yourself
It seems that all isn’t well in Colorado Springs.  The Denver Post has the lastest on the matter: Haggard steps down amid gay affair inquiry.  (And no, this inquiry doesn’t seem to have anything to do with Ann Coulter getting probed.)
Ted Haggard, one of the most prominent evangelical pastors in the nation, resigned today as president of the National Association of Evangelicals amid allegations that he carried on a three-year sexual relationship with a male prostitute.
Haggard, founder of the 14,000-member New Life Church, has denied the accusations but said in a statement released by the church today that he could “not continue to minister under the cloud created by accusations made on Denver talk radio this morning.” [...]
The former prostitute, Mike Jones, 49, of Denver, went public with the accusations on Tuesday, saying he felt compelled to do so because he believes Haggard, a strong opponent of same-sex unions, has been hypocritical. Haggard is married with five children.
Hey, Ted was just participating in an out-reach program!

The article has some other interesting details, such as that Haggard allegedly used the name “Art” in his dealings with Jones.  But I think we should stop focusing on the negative.  So, here are a couiple of passages from a very informative Harpers’ piece entitled Soldiers of Christ:
Pastor Ted, who talks to President George W. Bush or his advisers every Monday, is a handsome forty-eight-year-old Indianan, most comfortable in denim.
I’m sure he mentioned all that in his Rentboy.com profile.
The press tends to regard [James "Pooch Killer"] Dobson as the most powerful evangelical Christian in America, but Pastor Ted is at least his equal. Whereas Dobson plays the part of national scold, promising to destroy politicians who defy the Bible, Pastor Ted quietly guides those politicians through the ritual of acquiescence required to save face. He doesn’t strut, like Dobson; he gushes. When Bush invited him to the Oval Office to discuss policy with seven other chieftains of the Christian right in late 2003, Pastor Ted regaled his whole congregation with the story via email. “Well, on Monday I was in the World Prayer Center”—New Life’s high-tech, twenty-four-hour-a-day prayer chapel —”and my cell phone rang.” It was a presidential aide; “the President,” says Pastor Ted, wanted him on hand for the signing of the Partial-Birth Abortion Ban Act. Pastor Ted was on a plane the next morning and in the President’s office the following afternoon. “It was incredible,” wrote Pastor Ted. He left it to the press to note that Dobson wasn’t there.
Coincidentally, Jeff Gannon has also had way more access to the White House than Dobson.  Just an interesting factoid.

The Harpers’ piece also tells the fascinating story of Pastor Ted’s rise to the top o’ the Colorado Springs spirtual heap – here’s some of that saga
He was always on the lookout for spies. At the time, Colorado Springs was a small city split between the Air Force and the New Age, and the latter, Pastor Ted believed, worked for the devil. Pastor Ted soon began upsetting the devil’s plans. He staked out gay bars, inviting men to come to his church;
Say no more, say no more! 
his whole congregation pitched itself into invisible battles with demonic forces, sometimes in front of public buildings. One day, while he was working in his garage, a woman who said she’d been sent by a witches’ coven tried to stab Pastor Ted with a five-inch knife she pulled from a leg sheath; Pastor Ted wrestled the blade out of her hand. He let that story get around. He called the evil forces that dominated Colorado Springs—and every other metropolitan area in the country—”Control.”
Sometimes, he says, Control would call him late on Saturday night, threatening to kill him. “Any more impertinence out of you, Ted Haggard,” he claims Control once told him, “and there will be unrelenting pandemonium in this city.” No kidding!
You can now see why why George Bush or his advisors seek guidance from Pastor Ted every Monday. 
Oh, and I found this footnote also highly instructive:
3.  The life of the gay man, in the evangelical imagination, seems to be an endless succession of orgasms, interrupted only by jocular episodes of male bonhomie. The gay man promises Christian men a guilt-free existence, the garden before Eve. As such, he is not just tempting but temptation embodied; “the Enemy,” to whom Linda often refers.
So, I think we can see how we’ve misjudged Pastor Ted: he wasn’t having a three-year affair with a male prostitute, he was just wrestling with temptation.

UPDATE:
Pastor Ted has now admitted to buying meth from Jones, and getting a mssage from him (“Haggard drew a silent stare from his wife when he told the gathered reporters that he received a massage from Jones”), but says there was no sex.  Jones has failed a polygraph question about having sex with Pastor Ted, but stands behind his allegations, and will be repolygraphed again later.

So, Monday’s chat with the White House should be interesting.


54 Responses to “Pastor Ted’s Evangelical Adventures”

Creepy. Several years ago, the hotel I worked at at the time had a regular guest who looked an awful lot like Pastor Ted there. Used to check in with the name “Art Grant”. For obvious reasons, we all sort of assumed it was fake.
If that is him, he liked Lagerfeld Photo cologne, was tidy to the point of odd, and tipped well. Also, he seemed to be some kind of fruit-collecting klepto or something. Each time he stayed with us for about a week, and every day of each visit, he would add another piece of fruit to the selection on his coffee table. Sunday apple, Monday orange, Tuesday banana… It went like that. One day there was a starfruit. I never did figure out what the deal was, but used to plot to bring in a watermelon.
Always kinda liked him, whoever he was. But then, you can get some weird ideas about people by just cleaning their hotel rooms. Wow, I hope it wasn’t him.
If he tipped well, it probably wasn’t. Fundies are reputed to be stingy in that regard.
Ted just participating in an out-reach program
Wouldn’t that be more of a reach-around program?
Here’s a little something from Pastor Ted’s book “Dog Training, Fly Fishing, & Sharing Christ in the 21st Century” ( really, that’s the title)
“I want good friends who are a delight . . . I don’t want surprises, scandals, or secrets”One out of two isn’t bad, and, as Mick Jagger so eloquently put it “You can’t always get what you want/ But you get what you neeeeed.”
So, basically, if you call the voices in your head “Superman” and “Lex Luthor” you’re a candidate for the insane asylum, but if you call them “god” and “satan” you’re a wise man who deserves access to the uper echelons of power.
The things god and Satan say to you don’t even have to be noticably different from the things other schizophrenics hear.
Sometimes this country really pisses me off.
Hmmmm, “an endless succession of orgasms.” Where do I sign up?
Caption:”Show me your ‘O Face’”
So, I think we can see how we’ve misjudged Pastor Ted: he wasn’t having a three-year affair with a male prostitute, he was just wrestling with temptation.
Spartan Style, I’m sure
Each time he stayed with us for about a week, and every day of each visit, he would add another piece of fruit to the selection on his coffee table. Sunday apple, Monday orange, Tuesday banana… It went like that. One day there was a starfruit. I never did figure out what the deal was
there’s a chat room that I hang out in that often devolves into raunchy talk, and for a while there was one guy in there who kept talking of ravishing one of the other guy’s “starfruit” with his “fireplug.” Draw your own conclusions.
Caption: “…and I said, ‘JEEEESUS, Mike, keep doin’ that and I ain’t gonna strut like Dobson, I’m gonna GUSH!”
Starfruit and fireplugs, not a natural combination to my mind. On the other hand, Ay, Carambola!
And this…
One day, while he was working in his garage, a woman who said she’d been sent by a witches’ coven tried to stab Pastor Ted with a five-inch knife she pulled from a leg sheath

Man, Neil Bush must be kicking himself he didn’t try that explanation.
What? Lex Luthor isn’t really having telepathic conversations with me?
He might be. He is a genius after all.
And he used to hang with Gorilla Grodd.
But nobody in the white house cares what he thinks unless he uses the telepathic voice modulator and calls himself the king of kings.
>>He called the evil forces that dominated Colorado Springs—and every other metropolitan area in the country—”Control.”
Control? Doubtful. Sounds more like KAOS.
Caption: “Pastor Ted in the last throes of an endless succession of orgasms.”
New Life’s high-tech, twenty-four-hour-a-day prayer chapel
Backs up. Reads that again, slowly.
No sir, it still doesn’t make sense. WTF is a high-tech prayer chapel – are there video screens on the wall? “Get me a Hail Mary, stat!”
One day, while he was working in his garage, a woman who said she’d been sent by a witches’ coven tried to stab Pastor Ted with a five-inch knife she pulled from a leg sheath
‘Control,’ what is the meaning of this sinister presence that bursts into my man-cave to stick me with an unsheathed five-incher?
One day, while he was working in his garage, a woman who said she’d been sent by a witches’ coven tried to stab Pastor Ted with a five-inch knife she pulled from a leg sheath
Just curious: has anyone ever checked out this story with local police? Shouldn’t there have been some investigation into who sent this woman to kill someone?
Caption: “Shazam!!!”
Pardon the tangent, but “Indianans”? Isn’t Harper’s, like, a periodical? As in, “has time to proofread”?
If he tipped well, it probably wasn’t. Fundies are reputed to be stingy in that regard.
The ole’ if-ten-percent-is-good-enough-for-God-it’s-good-enough-for-you crowd.
Caption: “Mr. President! Over here! Just back up, I’m ready for you.”
Sure does have a purty mouth….
One day, while he was working in his garage, a woman who said she’d been sent by a witches’ coven tried to stab Pastor Ted with a five-inch knife she pulled from a leg sheath
Just curious: has anyone ever checked out this story with local police? Shouldn’t there have been some investigation into who sent this woman to kill someone?
It’s in the same police file as William Schnoebelen’s baby sacrifices.
Bringing polygraphs into it was a pretty stupid thing to do. They’re notoriously innacurate, and even if he passes the next one all he’ll have is conflicting polygraphs.
Pastor Ted is claiming he threw away the meth after buying it, but doesn’t remember where. I bet he gave it to the witch.
This is getting quite good. Pass the popcorn.
Who Cares What You Think: The Movie
Am I a bad man if I love the schadenfreude?
“Hey, Ted was just participating in an out-reach program”
Don’t you mean “reach around” program?
Gus, very bad indeed. You might need to be punished….
A high tech church involves big screens, laser shows, rock-esque music, fog machines, and sound systems that’ll wake up the heathens down the block. Laser shows, I hear you ask. But why on earth? And how? Today’s congregations are easily distracted, especially if your megachurch has, for example, its own Starbucks on premises, and allegedly virginal T&A doesn’t cut it anymore. Crosses and halos are popular, and it gives a hell of a goose to the faith healing segments. Beatific glows and such. I’m not kidding, and for all I know they’re playing freaking laser tag during them now.
When I went to church last, it was with my last partner, who spent *months* trying to find a ministry that didn’t involve screaming and strobe. God must be astounded, even with the omniscience.
Nope, Gus. Not in the least. You’re only bad man if, say, you take glee in the suffering of Parkinson’s victims, or suggest that dead Iraqis were asking for it, or tell your national audience that poor people are just lazy. Sneering up: perfectly acceptable. Sneering down: bullying.
Doghouse, what the hell *do* we call you people, anyway?
And Hemlock Echo, ten percent my aunt fanny. Those jerks don’t tip at all in hotels, not even the concierge staff.
Doghouse, what the hell *do* we call you people, anyway?
Present day Indiana was originally settled by a wave of Irish whores who went west hoping to retire from sex work and get into the then-burgeoning hosiery business. Thus, the earliest inhabitants were called “Hoosiers.”
Jeez, it just keeps getting better and better. DeLay, Cunningham, Foley, Ney, Haggard. I’m beginning to wonder if there really IS a God after all, and He HATES hypocrites just like the Bible says.
Yesterday:

Interviewer: Do you know Mike Jones? Haggard: No, I do not know Mike Jones.

I: Do you…have you ever done drugs?
H: I have never done drugs, ever. Not even in high school.

I: Why would he pick you out of everyone?
H: I have no idea, I have no idea. He says he saw me on TV.

H:…if somebody has an accusation, we have a system to investigate that, and we will do that, and, erm, and we trust that that will happen. We’re not hesitant at all with an independent group asking the questions, of…what’d you say his name was?
I: Mike.
H:…Mike, and, erm, hearing him, and then investigating it and deciding what I should, what should be done with me.
By the way, one of the four pastors tasked with investigating Haggard once launched jihad against Pokemon.
Jeez, it just keeps getting better and better. DeLay, Cunningham, Foley, Ney, Haggard. I’m beginning to wonder if there really IS a God after all, and He HATES hypocrites just like the Bible says.
Not to mention Weldon, Sherwood, Renzi, Porter, Buchanan, Sweeney, Shays, Menendez and Burns. Indeed, such a wealth of blessings would surely indicate the existence of a wise and wonderful God. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/11/01/AR2006110103146.html
There are conflicting versions of the origin of “Hoosier”, but scott’s has the advantage of also explaining our native cuisine.
As for tipping, I’m reminded of how the bowl representative, in pre-BCS days, explained everyone’s lack of enthusiasm for booking BYU: “Their fans travel with a copy of the Ten Commandments and a $20 bill, and they don’t break either.”
An endless succession of orgasms???!!. Wow, I wish I was a man so I could be a gay man.
My cat launched jihad against Pokemon last night, but I think it had more to do with which box of CGCs were on the bottom of the stack.
Hoosiers it is, then, I suppose, but I’m faintly bitter about that as a Seattleite and a “The Other Washingtonian”.
It could be worse, I suppose. I could live in Boise.
Schadenfreude, schadenfreude, all the world go round!
What I’m waiting for, m’loves, is for the Bethany World-Eating Corporate Conglomerate Hand-Waving, Speaking-In-Tongues, Batshit-Crazy Fanatical Non-Denominational Empire to go down in fucking FLAAAAAAAMMMMESSSSS,FOUR fucking MEGA-CHURCHES all over the greater Baton Rouge area.
Pastor Ted started the whole Bethany Empire. Larry trained, as it were, at Pastor Ted’s knee.
They are the most bigoted, recidivist, homophobic, sexist, neanderthal klan meeting of wall-to-wall scenery-chewing MONGOLOID FUCKTARDS in Louisiana, and that’s INCLUDING the State Legislature.
They posted three giant 60-foot steel crosses at the I-10 @ Seigen Avenue (the location of their 20-acre compound) with SPOTLIGHTS, so that people of all cultures and beliefs (or non-beliefs) can be assaulted and INSULTED 365 days a fucking YEAR with their eminent domain attitude about white-flight suburbanite “christianity” taking over the world, starting at the trailer parks. And don’t think that they haven’t had a huge hand in keeping the Renaissance Park (FEMA trailer park in Baker) people in the custody and “protection” of fucking Bethany stepford cunts.
I can’t fucking waaaaaaaitttt for the fucking fallout locally. I’m going to enjoy it so.
Granted, Pastor Ted’s favorite boy having almost as much White House access as JimmyJeff GuckertGannon would be the ultimate cherry on top, but I’m trying not to be too greedy.
SIEGEN Avenue.
“Pastor” Larry STOCKSTILL is the one running Bethany neck-and-neck with the Crystal Cathedral, Heritage U.S.A. and WAL-MART for evil corporate hegemony and horniness/greed.
Loathe the smug little flamer. Absofuckinglutely loathe him, and have for 20 years.
Whenever I hear “Crystal Catherdral”, for some reason the phrase “crystal meth” pops into my head.
I have no idea why.

Okay, I don’t quite follow the three crosses.
They stand for Christ and the two random criminals that were crucified beside him, right?
So, like, why the reverence for the other two guys? They weren’t the sons of important people/deities, and they were never socially important, so why memorialise them?
It just seems to go against everything Christianity stands for.
so does anyone know if Haggard’s replacement Ross Parsley is any kin to Rod “male pubic hair” Parsley?
I’m not sure that Pastor Ted should be impeached.
He only sucked, but never swallowed.
I could almost understand two crosses, one of the guys was repentant and Jesus promised him he’d go to heaven, but the other guy was in fact something of an asshole who taunted Jesus and probably didn’t go to heaven. It’s kind of like venerating Judas, really.
I mean, sure, you need Darth Vader for Luke to be anything other than a whiny little dork, but that doesn’t mean the Rebellion invites him to the party later.
“Pastor Ted . . . is a handsome forty-eight-year-old Indianan, most comfortable in denim.”
The same could be said about self-snuffed Indianan gay serial killer Herb Baumeister. There is more than a resemblance.
Methinks closets are unhealthy places. Also this would-be Rocky Mountain Ayatollah airing his fake alibi in front of his wife and kids on camera is as narcissistic as his fantasy that he’d never be caught.
Also his dear, darlin’ culture warrior brethren abandoned him like parsley on a plate – lie down with dogs, Ted and I’m not talking about Mr. Jones.
Schadenfreude? I roll in it, I bathe in it, I high dive into it, I brush my teeth with it – the ones I haven’t yet grinded into powder.
What other reaction can there be after having this crowd of fake, moralizing, smirking, lyin’, provoking, cheating, blasphemous hypocrites rub their shit into our faces since ’95.
Next on Nightline:
*sob* Forgive me Lawrd, for I have sinned!
…airing his fake alibi in front of his wife and kids on camera is as narcissistic as his fantasy that he’d never be caught.
Man. If he hadn’t been in complete pathological denial he’s at least have had plausible cover story prepared. One of the kids in the back seat could probably have whipped up a more believable lie on the spot than what their dad wants us to swallow.
(I was going to rephrase the end of that sentence, but then thought, Naaah.)
Shouldn’t that be ” an out-reach program” (rather than “out-reach”)?
*******************************
There once was a pastor named Ted,
On jism and meth was he fed.
He wife screamed, “Hey! Haggard!
You mean you’re a faggard?
Down primrose path was I led!”

All of those “endless orgasms” and “jocular expressions of male bonhomie” sound an awful lot like het life here at Casa Biscuitbarrel. Right after we’ve tossed the sheets around pretty good, the phone rings, and the manly Mr. Biscuitbarrel answers. A member of his rotisserie baseball league is on the line. Or perhaps it’s his best friend. Or our oldest son at college. Hilarity ensues.
Perhaps by coincidence…
“Control” is the name William S Burroughs sometimes used to refer to the mind control systems deployed against humans to induce them towards self-destruction, including homosexuality and drug addiction.
I still prefer “KAOS”.
“Missed ‘em by that much”.
One day, while he was working in his garage, a woman who said she’d been sent by a witches’ coven tried to stab Pastor Ted with a five-inch knife she pulled from a leg sheath
No shit? Wow. That very same thing just happened to me on Thursday. Well, she got a way so I’m not certain it was a five-inch knife, but it was pretty good sized when she pulled it out of that leg-sheath (yeah, I know, not something you can just pick up at walmart). Fortunately I had my compact, parkerized model S SuperSoaker ™ and was able to hold her off until she broke off and ran.
You mean it’s never happened to you?
mikey
Caption: “What a friend I have in Jeebus! OoooOOOooOOhhHHHhhhhHHHhhhh!!1!1″
Caption: “Hoosier daddy?”
Caption: “If only you weren’t invisible!”
Oh, and here’s the official soundtrack for Reverend Ted’s Orgasmic snapshot (iTunes required, I believe. and broadband)