Kids, in today’s Storytime, Dr. Mike will address one of our society’s most pressing issues: the refusal of the meanies at UNCW to promote Dr. Mike to full professor status. See, since Dr. Mike is the best professor in the whole world, he assumed that he didn’t get the promotion just because he regularly writes columns about how everyone at UNCW (except him) sucks. However, it turns out that the meanies just think that he’s ”deficient in all areas.” Which Dr. Mike took to be code for:
And that resolve leads us to today’s real, actual, true-life stories, ripped directly from the day-to-day experiences of Dr. Mike. Follwing each story you will find several study questions– although you won’t be graded on your responses, you should do your best to answer them, since they will help you to prepare for your Wingnuts of Academia final exam.
So, kids, let’s all put on our listening caps and pay close attention to My Apology to UNC-Wilmington::By Mike S. Adams.(Remember, students, no cell phones, no political correctness, no gay marriage, no hippies, and no vaginas will be permitted during class.)
Anyway, on to story two:
Now, we go to our last little anecdote about how UNC students are all a bunch of uncouth, obnoxious, low-lifes who don’t deserve an upstanding Christian professor like Dr. Mike:
Anyway, while you consider these matters, I am going to do what I can to start a telethon, because the plight of university employees who don’t get promoted to full professor status is one of the most pathetic things I’ve ever encountered. I’m hoping to get a celebrity to sponsor the event — and if we all keep our fingers crossed, maybe Dr. Mike can be one of Jerry’s kids.
THE POWERS THAT BE AT UNCW ARE PUNISHING ME FOR MY PUBLIC CRITICISM OF THE UNCW DIVERSITY MOVEMENT.So, he’s decided to be a bigger asshole than usual, in an effort to demonstrate to his colleagues just how wrong they were to not promote him.
And that resolve leads us to today’s real, actual, true-life stories, ripped directly from the day-to-day experiences of Dr. Mike. Follwing each story you will find several study questions– although you won’t be graded on your responses, you should do your best to answer them, since they will help you to prepare for your Wingnuts of Academia final exam.
So, kids, let’s all put on our listening caps and pay close attention to My Apology to UNC-Wilmington::By Mike S. Adams.(Remember, students, no cell phones, no political correctness, no gay marriage, no hippies, and no vaginas will be permitted during class.)
Today, I begin my new career as a diversity proponent by telling you three stories – each one about a different UNCW student whose life was forever changed by the diversity movement at UNCW.Of course Dr. Mike is just kidding about what he said to “Ashley.” But do you believe that a student really did shout “f—k you” at the top of her lungs at Dr. Mike, twice even, just because he tapped his horn “as lightly as possible” after she and her boyfriend backed up traffic for several minutes while they made out? Okay, if you believe that part, do you believe that Dr. Mike actually did chase her down before she got inside the Cameron School of Business? And then what happened? Did he devastate her with a witty rejoinder, have her expelled for sassing an almost full professor, or did he shoot her with one of the many weapons he keeps in his car for just such an occasion?
The first story is of Ashley (not real name) – a girl I met the other day in the parking lot by the Cameron School of Business. When I first saw her, she was making out with her boyfriend in his Chevy Blazer right in front of the entrance to the parking lot. I waited until the line of cars behind me was eight deep before I even thought about tapping the horn lightly to let the young couple know they were holding up cars waiting to get in the rapidly filling lot.
Just before I hit the horn, she got out of the Blazer and started to walk away. After three steps, though, she decided to return to the Blazer for one last kiss. That’s when I tapped the horn as lightly as possible to let her know there were other people in the world besides her and her boyfriend.
But, apparently, Ashley didn’t like that little tap on the horn. After she slammed the door of the Blazer she shot me the middle finger and shouted “f—k you!” at the top of her lungs. But she wasn’t through. After taking a few steps, she stopped, turned around, and flipped me the bird again shouting “f—k you!” as loud as she could.
So, naturally, I did what any white heterosexual Christian male would do under the circumstances. I kept a close eye on her, parked as fast as possible, and chased her down before she got inside the Cameron School of Business. When I caught up to her, I thanked her for her contribution to diversity at UNCW. The cultural norms regarding consideration of others and use of profanity and crude hand gestures in public are all antiquated norms developed by an oppressive white Christian patriarchy. By rebelling against them, she was showing us that each individual must carve out her own way of doing things, regardless of the tradition of the dominant culture.
Anyway, on to story two:
I kicked Eric out of one of my classes the other day for bring a cell phone into a test. He ran down to the office to put the cell phone on the secretary’s desk in our main office and then ran back to get seated before I passed out the exam. But, unfortunately, after the test was over Eric found out his cell phone had been accidentally locked in the secretary’s filing cabinet. That’s when Eric showed us that he has a unique perspective on the laws of trespassing and intentional destruction of personal property.Okay, what elements of THIS story do you think are true? Did Dr. Mike kick Eric out of his class? Did the secretary “accidentally” lock Eric’s phone in a filing cabinet? Did Eric really try to break the lock on said cabinet? Is it true that Eric likes fornicating outside the confines of marriage? If so, how does Dr. Mike know?
Without hesitation, Eric began pulling on the file cabinet door in an effort to break the lock and recapture his cell phone. He knows that the laws he was breaking were written by white Christian men who probably owned slaves. Not only that but he was ten minutes overdue to call his girlfriend. If he didn’t call her soon, he knew he wouldn’t get any action later on that night. Eric likes to fornicate outside the confines of marriage in order to contribute to the diversity movement’s emphasis on sexual freedom. Since he’s white and he isn’t gay, his ability to celebrate diversity is somewhat limited.
Now, we go to our last little anecdote about how UNC students are all a bunch of uncouth, obnoxious, low-lifes who don’t deserve an upstanding Christian professor like Dr. Mike:
What parts of this story strike you as possibly embellished or totally fabricated? Maybe Mrs. Dr. Mike really did “run across” the profile of a girl whom the Dr. Mikes know used to be a very conservative Christian from a rural area (it’s possible that she was seeking Jonah Goldberg’s Myspace profile, and accidentally found the one of a girl she used to teach in Sunday School class). But it seems like quite a coincidence that Mrs. Dr. Mike would also run across the slut’s comments in various chat rooms, plus all the photos of the hussy flaunting her large, firm, escaping breasts. So, we must ask ourselves: is Mrs. Mike stalking the foul-mouthed little former Christian skank, or does Mrs. Mike just hang out in chat rooms and photo sites devoted to unprincipled debauchery (possibly “Good Christians Looking for Sluts, ” or maybe “Professors’ Wives Hoping to Go Wild”)? We must also ask ourselves if Dr. Mike actually has a wife anymore?And, finally, there is Chastity (definitely not real name). She came to UNCW last year as a very conservative Christian girl from a rural area. But, this year, her life has taken a different turn. My wife ran across her profile on the Internet and found pictures of her smoking pot out of a water bong. She had also posted comments (in chat rooms) littered with the f-word and every other imaginable form of profanity. And she posted pictures of herself – always holding a beer bottle or a shot glass – with her breasts falling out of her shirt.
After just one year at UNCW this nice conservative Christian girl has turned into a pot-smoking, foul-mouthed, drunken slut. And that’s cause for celebration at the Diversity Office where kids are encouraged to discard their parents’ values in exchange for the philosophy of moral relativism.
Anyway, while you consider these matters, I am going to do what I can to start a telethon, because the plight of university employees who don’t get promoted to full professor status is one of the most pathetic things I’ve ever encountered. I’m hoping to get a celebrity to sponsor the event — and if we all keep our fingers crossed, maybe Dr. Mike can be one of Jerry’s kids.
27 Responses to “Storytime, With Dr. Mike”
Wow. Honestly, I’m in awe of the UNCW full professorship committee. It must have taken quite a while to turn their original assessment (“No fucking way are we going to commit ourselves to dealing with that unmitigated prick for the rest of our professional lives”) into the somewhat less offensive, and definitely less actionable, “Deficient in all areas.”
I was unaware that diversity offices concerned themselves with girls spouting profanity or with the feelings of filing cabinets, so you can’t say that reading this jerk isn’t educational.
I was unaware that diversity offices concerned themselves with girls spouting profanity or with the feelings of filing cabinets, so you can’t say that reading this jerk isn’t educational.
I’m guessing the real reason they haven’t given him the position he wants is that he clearly has no grasp of ethics, as demonstrated if nothing else by his constant, chronic lying in print.
Failing that, I’d like to believe he doesn’t exist, simply for my own comfort. Diversity and all, sure, but am I expected to embrace assholes?
Failing that, I’d like to believe he doesn’t exist, simply for my own comfort. Diversity and all, sure, but am I expected to embrace assholes?
I can never think of anything clever to say in response to one of Mikey’s columns. I just left speechless by his tireless dedication to proving he’s the biggest prick on the planet.
I love how everything of which he does not approve is part of the “diversity” movement. Because his “values” are so culturally predominant that anything that doesn’t fit them is obviously minority-thinking.
Also, back in my day, the little freshman girls who went insane as soon as they got to college, their complete loss of boundaries was due less to the “permissive” nature of college and more due to the fact that they’d been completely repressed their entire lives. First opportunity to release a little bit of steam, and the whole pressure cooker blew. If you don’t get your first taste of freedom until you’re 18, you’re going to have serious problems adjusting. We didn’t have to take any freshman psyche to figure out what was up with those kind of chickies, back when I was in college.
I’m almost tempted to think that the whole cell phone incident was autobiographical, too. His excuse for not checking in w/Mrs. Prof. Dr. Mike. Though, really, how the hell did “Eric” know that his cell was in that filing cabinet? And, is it possible to fornicate withIN the confines of marriage? I guess only if you happen to marry one of those sluts that actually moves or something, instead of just thinking of England.
Also, back in my day, the little freshman girls who went insane as soon as they got to college, their complete loss of boundaries was due less to the “permissive” nature of college and more due to the fact that they’d been completely repressed their entire lives. First opportunity to release a little bit of steam, and the whole pressure cooker blew. If you don’t get your first taste of freedom until you’re 18, you’re going to have serious problems adjusting. We didn’t have to take any freshman psyche to figure out what was up with those kind of chickies, back when I was in college.
I’m almost tempted to think that the whole cell phone incident was autobiographical, too. His excuse for not checking in w/Mrs. Prof. Dr. Mike. Though, really, how the hell did “Eric” know that his cell was in that filing cabinet? And, is it possible to fornicate withIN the confines of marriage? I guess only if you happen to marry one of those sluts that actually moves or something, instead of just thinking of England.
I checked Dr. M. on ratemyprofessor.com. The five students who rated him do indeed seem to think he’s a good teacher, even the student who’s under the impression that Dr. M. is female. They also seem impressed with the easiness of his course. That might have something to do with the deficiency in the teaching area. Those diversity nuts on the committee probably like to see evaluations that read “challenging material,” or “I really learned a lot.” “I got an f on the second test and still got a b in the course,” maybe not so much.
this is obviously a hoax, since it was written by just plain Mike S. Adams. No Dr or PhD. the real one would have listed those at least 2 or 3 times to remind us he qualified, damn it, for the job
I’m hoping to get a celebrity to sponsor the event — and if we all keep our fingers crossed, maybe Dr. Mike can be one of Jerry’s kids.
Liberace, maybe? Yeah, I know he’s dead and all, but I still think he’d be a good choice.
Liberace, maybe? Yeah, I know he’s dead and all, but I still think he’d be a good choice.
Here in Detroit, we have a columnist named Mitch Albom, who has gained national notoriety with a series of treacly books about dead people, or people about to die. He recently got into trouble when he wrote a column indicating he was at a certain sporting event, and ran into a few athletes from a local university who were attending the same event.
Problem is, those athletes didn’t attend.
He mailed it in, and is no poorer for it. His new book is on the best-seller list, and his brand of feel-good, sanctimonious bs is a big hit. I suspect “Dr.” Mike is from the same school of journamalism, where the real truth can be ascertained by making up shit about who you ran into and what reality really is.
It’s a living.
Problem is, those athletes didn’t attend.
He mailed it in, and is no poorer for it. His new book is on the best-seller list, and his brand of feel-good, sanctimonious bs is a big hit. I suspect “Dr.” Mike is from the same school of journamalism, where the real truth can be ascertained by making up shit about who you ran into and what reality really is.
It’s a living.
Hmmm. I taught college for 7 years and never knew anything near as much about my students than Professuah “hurmph, hurmph,hurmph” Adams claims he does. And I wouldn’t dream of looking them up on the internet (icky!), or involve my wife (icky + 1!).
But then, I don’t believe these students are anything but fictional characters he can fictionally beat up and act fictionally morally superior while bemoaning his fictional persecution.
Did I mention that I think he makes all this shit up?
“Deficient in all areas”. Indeed.
But then, I don’t believe these students are anything but fictional characters he can fictionally beat up and act fictionally morally superior while bemoaning his fictional persecution.
Did I mention that I think he makes all this shit up?
“Deficient in all areas”. Indeed.
“Deficient in all areas” What a great slogan! How it must have stung!
Perhaps you could have an auction for Dr. Mike, like PBS. I have some ‘vintage’ stuff in my garage that Goodwill wouldn’t take. I’d be happy to donate it.
I imagine Dr. Mike looks like Pres. Bush, only a foot shorter, with really, really narrow shoulders, and his head is always cocked sideways, and he has a totally lame combover. And he blinks a lot. And had awful breath.
He overhears storys about students in the school cafeteria line, and daydreams about what HE’D do in the circumstance. After a while he thinks his fantasies actually happened.
Perhaps you could have an auction for Dr. Mike, like PBS. I have some ‘vintage’ stuff in my garage that Goodwill wouldn’t take. I’d be happy to donate it.
I imagine Dr. Mike looks like Pres. Bush, only a foot shorter, with really, really narrow shoulders, and his head is always cocked sideways, and he has a totally lame combover. And he blinks a lot. And had awful breath.
He overhears storys about students in the school cafeteria line, and daydreams about what HE’D do in the circumstance. After a while he thinks his fantasies actually happened.
So, um, what does all this have to do with the diversity movement?
…My wife ran across her profile on the Internet…
More likely his wife stumbled across Mike’s open browser after he had been doing a little ‘research’ into some of his naughty, naughty Xristian coeds.
More likely his wife stumbled across Mike’s open browser after he had been doing a little ‘research’ into some of his naughty, naughty Xristian coeds.
If Dr. Mike would like to either post a link to his CV or drop his pants, then we could all judge for ourselves if he was “deficient in all areas.”
I was going to say it’s all true because it’s true in Dr. Mike’s mind and we know that phenomenologically all that is known is what is present to a person’s mind, but then he threw in the crap about his wife Googling each student’s name and them both rifling through the students’ postings on the Internets tubes and well, it’s not called folie a’ deux when only one person’s hallucinating, is it?
Oh Silly Dr. Mike. He thinks he was denied promotion because he was an obnoxious pain in the ass. From the looks of it, he was denied promotion because he is a terrorist. In fact, we have his written confession:
“Until just recently, the UNCW administration was trying to deprive me of both a) my right to appeal their decision to deny my promotion to full professor and, b) my right to a written explanation of that decision. Now, the leader of our local communist dictatorship has given me a written explanation although I am told by university officials that I have no right to use it in an appeal. In fact, here at UNC-We Hate Due Process, I can’t appeal the decision with any documents at all. There is no appellate process whatsoever.”
Denied due process.No right to appeal. Documents that he can’t use in his own defense. Sounds like he’s a terrorist to me. You know, Dr, Mike, 9-11 changed everything, including rank and tenure decisions. The terrorists hate us for our refereed publications.
The upside of this, though, is that now since he is a terrorist, we can waterboard him. Wait – I have to think: suspension of habeus corpus vs. the right to waterboard Dr. Mike. Can I get back to you on that? Right now I’m leaning toward waterboarding him. If you throw in electrodes to his genitals, its a done deal.
“Until just recently, the UNCW administration was trying to deprive me of both a) my right to appeal their decision to deny my promotion to full professor and, b) my right to a written explanation of that decision. Now, the leader of our local communist dictatorship has given me a written explanation although I am told by university officials that I have no right to use it in an appeal. In fact, here at UNC-We Hate Due Process, I can’t appeal the decision with any documents at all. There is no appellate process whatsoever.”
Denied due process.No right to appeal. Documents that he can’t use in his own defense. Sounds like he’s a terrorist to me. You know, Dr, Mike, 9-11 changed everything, including rank and tenure decisions. The terrorists hate us for our refereed publications.
The upside of this, though, is that now since he is a terrorist, we can waterboard him. Wait – I have to think: suspension of habeus corpus vs. the right to waterboard Dr. Mike. Can I get back to you on that? Right now I’m leaning toward waterboarding him. If you throw in electrodes to his genitals, its a done deal.
1. I’m shocked to learn that Dr. Professor Mike, Ph.D isn’t tenured. I figured that was the only reason he still had a job.
2. Public rudeness did exist back in the good ol’ days when white Christian males ran everything, and in roughly the same percentage as today. I’m willing to sign an affidavit to that effect.
3. My contribution to Spot the Howler: I’ve got no personal knowledge of UNC-W, but in every campus I’ve ever been on parking is at a premium, especially the sort of permit parking a Professor Doctor would be using, and it’s used by people who are, by and large, all on the same schedule. So I’m guessing you wouldn’t get the opportunity to back up eight cars before someone timidly tapped a horn at you. But fictional or no, it is nice to see the old Dr. Mike m.o. still operates–don’t confront the nasty bird-flipper right there (where her boyfriend might have gotten involved); wait a couple minutes and sneak up on her from behind.
2. Public rudeness did exist back in the good ol’ days when white Christian males ran everything, and in roughly the same percentage as today. I’m willing to sign an affidavit to that effect.
3. My contribution to Spot the Howler: I’ve got no personal knowledge of UNC-W, but in every campus I’ve ever been on parking is at a premium, especially the sort of permit parking a Professor Doctor would be using, and it’s used by people who are, by and large, all on the same schedule. So I’m guessing you wouldn’t get the opportunity to back up eight cars before someone timidly tapped a horn at you. But fictional or no, it is nice to see the old Dr. Mike m.o. still operates–don’t confront the nasty bird-flipper right there (where her boyfriend might have gotten involved); wait a couple minutes and sneak up on her from behind.
Actually,Doghouse, Dr. Mike is already tenured. His complaint is that he wasn’t promoted to full professor. Generally speaking,among full-time, tenure-track there are three ranks:assistant, associate and full. At most 2nd – 3rd primarily teaching institutions like the University of Fantasy Island where Dr. Mike lives and the College for the Utterly Befuddled where I teach, full professor is what you get kicked up to along toward the end of your career. It means a little more money( which is always nice), but getting it is kind of like spending a year at the proctologists.
Promotion decisions are often very arbitrary, as are tenure decisions. The “deficient in all areas” is really pretty harsh and, considering that he is already tenured and had to be pretty competent to get there, it probably is not fair. In fact, it is academese for “will you just leave everybody the fuck alone and stop making our lives miserable in the halls with your utter bullshit.”
To me, what is disingenuous about his rant ( in addition to all of it), is that he knows most people aren’t aware of just how few fulls in a department there are ( we have 2 out of 17), so it looks like he is being “persecuted.” It’s actually the equivalent of claiming you weren’t elected high school homecoming King because of your political beliefs.
Promotion decisions are often very arbitrary, as are tenure decisions. The “deficient in all areas” is really pretty harsh and, considering that he is already tenured and had to be pretty competent to get there, it probably is not fair. In fact, it is academese for “will you just leave everybody the fuck alone and stop making our lives miserable in the halls with your utter bullshit.”
To me, what is disingenuous about his rant ( in addition to all of it), is that he knows most people aren’t aware of just how few fulls in a department there are ( we have 2 out of 17), so it looks like he is being “persecuted.” It’s actually the equivalent of claiming you weren’t elected high school homecoming King because of your political beliefs.
tomg above seems spot on, in my experience.
Dr Professor Mike might try to leverage his wingnuttery into some wingnut welfare, and call it a grant – kind of hard to turn someone down for full professor when they are bringing in bigtime dough for the university, even if they are a prick (actually, it seems to even help, if what I’ve seen is any indication).
Dr Professor Mike might try to leverage his wingnuttery into some wingnut welfare, and call it a grant – kind of hard to turn someone down for full professor when they are bringing in bigtime dough for the university, even if they are a prick (actually, it seems to even help, if what I’ve seen is any indication).
After just one year at UNCW this nice conservative Christian girl has turned into a pot-smoking, foul-mouthed, drunken slut.No shit.
As I recall (it was a long time ago), becoming a pot-smoking, foul-mouthed, drunken slut was why I (a conservative Christian girl) wanted to go to college.
Word of advice from one public-college academic to another: maybe Mike Adams could possibly consider writing one book in his supposed field of expertise. Perhaps he could work it in between his firearms purchases and his solitary crusade against horny sluts and their barely contained bosoms.
After just one year at UNCW this nice conservative Christian girl has turned into a pot-smoking, foul-mouthed, drunken slut.
I can’t understand why Dr. Mike has so much trouble getting along with other people. Seriously, Dr. Mike is really starting to scare me. I wouldn’t be surprised if in six months we are reading about the cops finding a bunch of dismembered corpses in Dr. Mike’s basement.
I can’t understand why Dr. Mike has so much trouble getting along with other people. Seriously, Dr. Mike is really starting to scare me. I wouldn’t be surprised if in six months we are reading about the cops finding a bunch of dismembered corpses in Dr. Mike’s basement.
And I know I bring this up almost everytime s.z. has a post about him, but Dr. Mike is just such a prick. He is just a black hole of bitterness and resentment, and he is so emotionally immature. People like Swank and Grogan don’t bother me too much, because though they are misguided, I can see a human being underneath. Dr. Mike is just an eight year old boy who wants revenge on everyone who ever slighted him.
I’ll bet those stupid ‘diversity enforcers’ at Dr. Mike’s university are really, really sorry they gave him tenure at all.
Because if one tenth of the shit he claims he does and says actually happened, his ass would have been fired YEARS ago if he were not tenured.
He sounds like a sociopath.
Because if one tenth of the shit he claims he does and says actually happened, his ass would have been fired YEARS ago if he were not tenured.
He sounds like a sociopath.
This is a completely nerdy thing to say, but Dr Mike really reminds me of this guy in one of my gaming groups. This person can’t distinguish “in-character” from “out-of-character” and will viciously go after the character of anyone whom he percieves to be slighting him — unless they are more powerful than he is, in which case he will focus his anger on someone he can easily kill. His entire purpose in the game seems to be accumulating titles, and if anyone in the game is more powerful or prestigious than him, he complains. At length.
Of course, our GMs have the sense to tell him to shut it or leave the goddamn game. The people at UNCW, unfortunately, have to make do with “deficient in all areas”.
I mention this every time Dr Mike comes up, but he’s the only wingnut who actually makes me want to hit him. Other wingnuts make me angry, but not in a “grrr, I hate you” sort of way. I’m angry with what they SAY — after all, I’ve never met them. Dr Mike is just such a collosal asshole that I actually hate him PERSONALLY.
Of course, our GMs have the sense to tell him to shut it or leave the goddamn game. The people at UNCW, unfortunately, have to make do with “deficient in all areas”.
I mention this every time Dr Mike comes up, but he’s the only wingnut who actually makes me want to hit him. Other wingnuts make me angry, but not in a “grrr, I hate you” sort of way. I’m angry with what they SAY — after all, I’ve never met them. Dr Mike is just such a collosal asshole that I actually hate him PERSONALLY.
Let’s see, what’s true… Well, I think it’s quite possible Dr. Prof. Mike stalked a coed across campus and got the finger and an invitation to “fuck off,” and it’s not entirely outside the realm of possiblity his wife looks for slutty pot-smoking college girls online. I also imagine a guy who knows his cell phone is in a certain drawer might pull the handle to see if it’s accessible. Finally, I think it’s highly likely he is actually deficient in all areas.
Do I win?
Do I win?
I think Mrs. Dr. Prof. Mike PhD found out about him chasing a coed around campus (who probably did tell him to fuck off) and started looking for her online … given his past history with students.
The kid with the cellphone sounds like a mis-remembered episode of “Saved by the Bell: The College Years”
The kid with the cellphone sounds like a mis-remembered episode of “Saved by the Bell: The College Years”
“The ‘deficient in all areas’ is really pretty harshYou obviously haven’t had much experience with the “Work Hard and Suck Up Until I Get Tenure” professor archetype. Getting tenure is not easy, but competency is not always a pre-requisite.
and, considering that he is already tenured
and had to be pretty competent to get there,
it probably is not fair.”
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