Dr. Mike is Like a Storm Raging Within

TorgoKitty is still sick. He keeps fooling me by looking like he’s all better (which he demonstrates by attacking my foot, climbing up my leg, and then demanding food), but then he has another bout of bad diarrhea, resulting in the need to both bathe him and to move to a new, unsoiled house.

Today I did all the home remedies, and fed him only chicken baby food, and although we haven’t had any incidents since this morning, he just doesn’t seem to be his usual evil self. So, tomorrow it’s back to the vet (he was just there a couple of weeks ago for his last kitten shots).

So, that said, let’s pay a short visit our old friend Dr. Professor Mike Adams, Ph.D., who tells us that he is Preparing for Pelosi by buying more guns. (Not to shoot her, you silly goose, but because he fears that a Democrat-controlled Congress will ban products made by Springfield Armory, and he needs to stock up on their find products so he can kill hitchhikers without any help from the federal government.)

(This column was paid for by the Springfield Armory, which wishes to remind you that guns are the only friends that money can buy.)

Anyway, I liked this bit from Dr. Mike’s little infomercial:

First and foremost, I plan to stock up on 13-round magazines for my main home and car defense weapon – the .45 ACP XD by Springfield. These magazines will be almost as rare as a feminist orgasm if the Democrats take over.

If Dr. Mike knows as much about guns as he does about female orgasms, including feminist orgasms, I believe I’d think twice about purchasing whatever ammo he is pushing.
But this was my favorite part:

Before the recent poll numbers indicating a possible change in leadership – in both the House and Senate – I was focusing strictly on gun purchases designed to improve my versatility as a hunter. Since people often call from around the country to invite me hunting I always have to be prepared to take anything from the smallest squirrel to the largest grizzly bear. Now, I’m thinking a lot more about tactical and self-defense models.

I have a hard time believing that people from all around the country frequently call Dr. Mike and invite him to go shooting grizzly bears with them. Sure, there was that time when Doug Giles did invite him to go shoot some deer at the petting zoo, and maybe one of his other friends let him help as the friend shot an itty bitty squirrel that was menacing the neighborhood — but until I see some proof, I’m going to have to believe that these invitations to go grizzly bear hunting are about as real as Dr. Mike’s correspondents, his real-life adventures, and his devastating ripostes to the liberal hippies he is always encountering.

But maybe that’s just me.






Posted by s.z. on Thursday, October 19th, 2006 at 1:27 am

Can Dr. Mike even find his own penis?

Left by Mark S. on October 19th, 2006

Sorry, that wasn’t the most erudite comment I ever left, but man, if ever there were a case of short man’s syndrome . . .

Left by Mark S. on October 19th, 2006

Yeah, I’m really scared about old Dr. Four-Eyes Poindexter McWitherspoon, Ph.D., stocking up on guns to show those meanie Democrats what a big man he totally isn’t. Yeah, I pretty much haven’t stopped yawning since I heard. I mean, even if he threatens me, all I have to do is recite a Vagina Monologue to reduce him to sniveling at my feet. What a guy.

Left by sophronia on October 19th, 2006

So if someone tries to carjack him, he will “almost” shoot them before he gives them his car, his wallet and his gun?

Left by merlallen on October 19th, 2006

Dude’s textbook compensation for certain, you know…
inequities. I’m guessing there’s a giant truck or SUV in the driveway, as well.

Left by mmm...lemonheads on October 19th, 2006

And why do I have no trouble at all believing that, for Dr. Mike, a female orgasm is a very rare experience indeed.

Left by BeginningToWonder on October 19th, 2006

Isn’t that strange… Just yesterday I told a friend that if the GOP (Groping Old Perverts) won, I mean stole, the election I would head out to the gun shop and arm myself to the teeth…

Left by Marion in Savannah on October 19th, 2006

You may wonder “what is a Feminist Orgasim?” I thought I had one once, but it turned out to be the Loma Prieta earthquake. Darn!

Left by Kathy on October 19th, 2006

I think the “Feminist Orgasm” might be one of those that you can have without the aid of any man at all……

Left by BeginningToWonder on October 19th, 2006

These magazines will be almost as rare as a feminist orgasm if the Democrats take over.
I don’t know about Dr. Mikey, but I plan on scoring a lot of feminist poon after November 8th…

Left by actor212 on October 19th, 2006

Mikry, Mikey, Mikey…don’t you realize that the people who want to go “hunting” with you are hoping you’ll be the victim of an “accident”?
Either that, or those “hunting” trips are like those “fishing” trips Jack and Ennis took. In which case, you don’t need a gun. (I was going to make a joke about needing a Magnum, but then I remembered, it’s Dr. Mike.)

Left by Bill S on October 19th, 2006

Obvious response: Send him quail hunting with Cheney.
Less obvious: This inspired me again to look at the poster for “Red Dawn”–now it’s obvious that Jennifer Grey’s using the rifle butt to give herself a feminist orgasm.
Least obvious: Why is Frank Zappa gone now that we really, really need him?

Left by trashfire on October 19th, 2006

Self-defense models? What, does Dr. Mike foresee bands of murderous liberals roving his neighborhood? Or is he planning on fighting the Feds? Either way, I’m now more convinced than ever that Adams is some sort of real-life Walter Mitty. Sorry, Dr. Mike, I’m still not scared of you.

Left by Drew Johnston on October 19th, 2006

Man, most guys at his age with his problem just buy a sports car, hair plugs and a subscription to the Spice Channel and let it go at that.

Left by Woodrowfan on October 19th, 2006

We need to nuke Dr. Mike from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.

Left by Marq on October 20th, 2006

Well, OK, but if he’s relying on a handgun for protection he hasn’t a hope. Doesn’t he realise that on the morning on November 8 his house will be surrounded by liberal feminist snipers with left-wing European-styled rifles? Headshots out to 600 yards, those girls. His only hope is to stay indoors (and under some large sturdy piece of furniture) until further notice. Hide now, Doctor Mike! Save yourself!

Left by ajay on October 20th, 2006

“Since people often call from around the country to invite me hunting I always have to be prepared to take anything from the smallest squirrel to the largest grizzly bear.”
Snicker.

Left by g on October 20th, 2006