Because we don’t want to go to hell with your little satan-worshipping friends, that’s why!
Product Info – Mommy, Why Don’t We Celebrate HalloweenBut Mommy, just where are those other parts of the world that worship the devil on the Satanic religious holiday of Halloween?
‘But why, Mommy?’ Sarah exclaimed. ‘What’s wrong with Halloween?’
‘In many parts of the world,’ Mom answered, ‘Halloween is a religious holiday – a holiday when people worship satan and honor evil. In fact, it is the biggest holiday on satan’s calendar, kind of like Christmas and Easter on our calendar.’
Sarah, you little twit, obviously we are talking about Iraq, Iran, and North Korea … and San Francisco. So, just shut your piehole and get back to thanking God that you’re so much better than the little devil-worshipping children in those countries.
Now, for your holiday pleasure, here’s a post largely comprised of recyled material, since old holiday posts, like last year’s Halloween candy, is a little stale, but still edible — and we’re thrifty, and don’t want anything to go to waste.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
Ha ha, by accepting my Halloween greeting you have invited demons to possess you, you silly people! If only you had read this message by Gary and Lisa Ruby, you would have known that Halloween is most evilest night of the year, and you wouldn’t have fallen for my ruse. And even though it’s too late
The trick-or-treat ritual was practiced by the Druids and their followers in medieval times.
Yeah, those Druids of c.1400 AD are well known for their trick-or-treating.
The Druids went from castle to castle doing exactly the same thing. They also demanded a ‘treat’, however, this demand was for a young woman who could be offered as a human sacrifice in a Satanic ritual.Since you’re going to hell anyway, this year you might try trick-or-treating for young women instead of candy – but if you get some, just don’t sacrifice them to Satan, okay?
But even treat-or-treating for candy shows your affiliation with Satan, per the Rubys — and if your church says differently, then you can know that its leaders are in the pay of the devil.
Satan’s agents, who represent themselves as Christians, do not want Christians to know that Halloween is about human sacrifice and they certainly do not want them to pray against it. That is the reason they do not mention the need to pray against ritual human sacrifice and instead, urge Christians to participate in a ritual that represents human sacrifice.
Since the trick-or-treat ritual looks cute on the surface, Christians who have not investigated this matter are entering into this annual custom for a little bit of “harmless fun.” In reality, the trick-or-treat ritual is a culturally and even church-sanctioned way for Satan to gain access to their lives and that of their children.Yup, every Tootsie Roll or Snickers that you give out tonight is actually a Bite o’ Beelzebub. Way to let Satan take over children, folks!
But what if you pass out those anti-Harry Potter comics? Surely they are a holy alternative to the devil’s snacks.
Sadly, nein (to almost steal a phrase).
Surely God is pleased when His people respond to Satan’s prized “trick-or-treat” phrase with some candy and a tract. Right?Yes, giving out those Jack Chick tracts is just as bad as sacrificing virgins to Lucifer. Believe it … or go to hell!
No. God will not prevent Satan from taking whatever ground Christians give him if we participate in his demon-infested ritual. When children come to the door saying, “Trick-or-Treat!” evil spirits have permission to access our lives if we respond to those words with a “treat” (even a tract) because to do so is to participate in the ritual. The very phrase, “trick-or-treat,” glorifies Satan. It is his phrase and it is uttered in his ritual.
{NOTE: About now we would repeat our last year’s recap of some of Jack’s tracts, but he keeps hiding the images to keep us from sharing them with you. But we can recommend some titles to you: Boo!, The Little Princess, The Devil’s Night, and our new favorite, The Trick, which is about how witches put razor blades and poison in holiday candy as part of their special assignment from Satan.]
But back to the Rubies, for a few more Halloween facts.
facts. facts.
Overcoming evil with good will not be accomplished by having a party and celebrating while followers of Satan literally sacrifice human beings on altars all over the world. [...]And getting bit by a serpent AND having to read one of those crummy religious tracts is more than any one person should have to bear.
Giving any kind of treat when someone knocks at your door on Halloween night is participating in Halloween. Just because you add a tract to the treat (or give only a tract) does not sanctify this Halloween activity. Giving a tract while you engage in the ritual that Satan takes very seriously (the trick-or-treating ritual is a satanic ritual no matter how cute it looks or how much fun it is) will not give your or your child automatic protection from evil spirit contact. You are sinning and thereby breaking God’s protective hedge. The serpent will bite you and your children, tract or no tract.
And here’s part of Gary and Lisa’s rebuttal of a Christianity Today article which claims that Halloween is just innocent fun.
Christianity Today Exhorts Christians to Celebrate Halloween With GustoWho knew that Druids still exist, and they are still sacrificing humans every October 31? Well, Scott C. knew, because he watched the movie. Especially at this time of year you should read his expose, if you value your soul! (Oh, and also on this most dangerous of nights you should watch out for Christopher Lamberts!)
Samhain was (and continues to be) celebrated by the Druids and requires human sacrifice. Halloween is the modern term for this satanic highday that hides behind a seemingly innocuous front of fun and games that serves to divert attention from its true purpose: worldwide human sacrifice.
Anyway, the Rubys also heap scorn on the author of the Christianity Today piece for quoting ”an author of occult-themed novels (C.S. Lewis).” I guess they don’t approve of books that feature magic wardrobes, white witches, talking lions, and other occult themes taken from Christianity
In any case, the Rubys do know their Satanic stuff, having inadvertently belonged to the dark lord’s church for ten years. It’s all explained on the ”About Gary and Lisa Ruby” page.
Gary and I became Christians in 1982 … Gary and I began attending what appeared to be an independent, fundamental, Bible-believing Baptist church … We remained in this establishment for over ten years. … We later learned that it was founded and run by followers of Satan who were posing as Christians and even attended a Christian college in preparation for the “ministry.” After we left their establishment, we found ourselves being forced to deal with the evil spirits they sent on assignment to harass our family.
Yes, evil spirits are everywhere, just waiting for you to celebrate Halloween or to join a Baptist church or something, so they can harass you. No wonder you keep losing socks, and why the new fall TV shows all suck!
But the Lord is now commanding the Rubys to warn others about the snares that Satan has set for the unwary in the “Left Behind” books, the Terri Schiavo case, and rock music. I suggest you pay them heed.
Oh, and if you don’t want to be infested by demons, I suggest that you give me all your Kit Kats, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, and Mars bars, and that you spend the night worrying about all the young women being sacrificed by Druids and witches. In return, I will give you the links to a whole bunch of Jack Chick tracts.
Posted by s.z. on Tuesday, October 31st, 2006 at 5:17 am.
54 Responses to “Stashing the Nation Near Hell’s Lip”
Finally, Lisa and Gary have given Democrats a wedge issue that will split the Republican Party asunder: Halloween. Seems like Gary and Lisa have updated their site by going after Focus on the Family.
“Americancatholic.org and Focus on the Family: Halloween Can Be Redeemed.” So it is not only Druids that Christians have to worry about. It is Dobson and the Pope.
I say Dems place an initiative on the ballot, something to do with sacrificing virgins and worshipping Michael Moore and trick-or-treating, maybe a Defense of Satan sort of Bill, and that will split the Party right down the – well, they don’t have a middle or a left – so they will have to be split down whatever Republicans can be split down. I guess asunder is okay. And then Druids ( who from Lisa and Gary’s sense of history seem to be composed of members of Monty Python’s Flying Circus)can take over the House of Representatives, impeach George Bush and install Ernest Borgnine.
Left by tomg on October 31st, 2006
The Druids went from castle to castle
They say that like they think it was some kind of castle subdivision.
Left by Realist on October 31st, 2006
I’d say that this tract was compiled after rigorous research — mostly involving cribbing things from other extreme religious tracts. Somebody get these people a history book. Or just hit them over the head with it.
Left by Zeno on October 31st, 2006
[...] S.Z. explains how trick-or-treating is really part of Satan’s master plot to take sole possession of your kids’ groins. Read the whole thing. [...]
Left by Sadly, No! » More Halloween Fun on October 31st, 2006
Wow.
Somebody needs to review their meds. Seriously.
I THINK I may have seen an actual fact or two during that tirade that may have inadvertently snuck in, but I haven’t seen such a steaming pile since the last Dubya speech.
Also, their reasoned argument seems to be mainly on the order of what one college roommate once deemed, “Proof by Blatant Assertion”. Truly amazing.
Left by JoeBuddha on October 31st, 2006
It must really suck to be the child of someone who believes that stuff. All the other kids are going to get to dress up and eat unhealthly amounts of candy, while the ChickTract kids have to go to church. Then when the ChikTract kids tel the other kids that Halloween is evi, they’re just going to get made fun of. Poor ChickTract kids.
Left by chris on October 31st, 2006
Somebody should check their house for carbon monoxide poisoning. Soon.
Left by Uncle Mike on October 31st, 2006
I will agree that handing out religious tracts for Halloween should earn you a place in Hell.
Feel free to drop by my home tonight if you’re in the neighborhood. Peanut allergies? UNICEF? Diabetes? Let me know, and I’ve got special baggies for you. And in keeping with the You’re All Going To Hell, You Yoga-Tolerant Depraved Trick-Or-Treating Multiculturalist Sons Of Bitches theme, each baggie contains an orange, red, yellow, green, purple, or black crane with a bat pattern on it.
Man, I miss the days before these whackjobs managed to convince everybody that trick or treating was satanic and razor-blade filled and better off done at Wal*Mart or the mall.
Why do you hate the children, you overstarched Christians? Oh, sure, you’re all pro-embryo, but the minute they’re born, the poor little bastards can’t even beg a stranger for a packet of M&Ms without a lecture on the evils of materialism and how the Satanists will do anything to get you. I know the point of Halloween is to scare the kiddies, but I think I always assumed it should be the sort of harmless scare from which they can recover, kind of the difference between “You’ll grow hair on your palms” and “You’ll get AIDS and go blind!” My pumpkin and my spider webs may provide a momentary thrill of creepiness, but it doesn’t leave anyone traumatized for life and terrified to ever set foot inside a haunted house again in case it might actually be a stealth “Hell House”. Why do you people hate the children?
I’m deeply in love with the castle-suburb concept, btw. With henges in every lawn, no doubt.
Left by D. Sidhe on October 31st, 2006
Christ, how did these people get an internets connection? How’d they get electricity? How is it they don’t imagine either of those is Satanic?
And what’s the deal with Druids? In reality we know almost nothing about them–all our info comes from the Romans, and much of that is suspect. We are generally in agreement, though, that 1) they were pretty much wiped out by the Middle Ages and 2) prior to that they did not avail themselves of the Gregorian calendar.
Left by Doghouse Riley on October 31st, 2006
Luckily for Christians, they can still celebrate Christmas and Easter, which are free of all Pagan influence.
Left by HemlockEcho on October 31st, 2006
In ancient times, hundreds of years before the dawn of history.
There lived a strange race of people…the Druids. No one knows who they were, or what they were doing, but their legacy remains, hewn into the living rock of…
Stonehenge!
Left by Brian Schlosser, lurker on October 31st, 2006
Sheeeeeit.
I’m going to have to watch “The Wicker Man” (the old, proper version) tonight just to piss off the Rubys.
Left by Pere Ubu on October 31st, 2006
Er, could anybody recommend any good neighborhoods where they gave out young women last year?
Left by gjdodger on October 31st, 2006
[...] Pagans tend to get a little defensive around Samhain; as the holiday has become more popular for adults, conservative Christians have become increasingly shrill about the Satanic overtones of the holiday. Much of their so-called history on the subject is unsourced and frankly ludicrous. Here are some sites that offer more informative views: [...]
Left by Thudfactor » Samhain on October 31st, 2006
Wow, “The Trick” just completely ate its own logic snake. “By not believing in Satan you’ve done exactly what Satan wants you to do.” WTF?
Great post.
Left by Brando on October 31st, 2006
followers of Satan literally sacrifice human beings on altars all over the world
Literally? Damn liberal media NEVER covers the really important stories.
And I built my suburban stonehenge with Castlewall blocks from the Home Depot.
Left by tigrismus on October 31st, 2006
Castlemania! Just another excuse the sharpen the broadsword and wait for passersby at the moat edge.
And here I thought the evening would be uneventful…
Left by heydave on October 31st, 2006
Wow. Just…Wow. So these are the folks that represent the republican base. Scared of just about everything. Muslims and terrorists and mexicans and gays simply aren’t enough. Now they’re scared of Halloween, satan and evil spirits. Damn, how do they get up the courage to walk out the front door.
But wait!! Let’s look at this critically for a minute. These peeps, the Rubies, seem to know a great deal about satan. What he thinks, what he wants, his plans for victory, his friends, wants, needs, desires. I don’t know jack diddly about satan. Or evil spirits. Neither, for that matter, does anybody else I know. So the only valid conclusion here is Gary and Lisa spend a lot of time in conversation (or worse, *shudder*) with satan. They get him a cuppa, sit down, chat, he loosens up ’cause y’know he’s like that around friends, starts jokin around, and before you know it he’s tellin ‘em his secret plans. How he can get little children to offer human sacrifices without even knowing it!! Sorry, but it’s pretty clear that Gary’s the devil and Lisa’s the …uh, the OTHER devil…
mikey
Left by mikey on October 31st, 2006
this year you might try trick-or-treating for young women instead of candy – but if you get some, just don’t sacrifice them to Satan, okay?
Time to re-read your review of The Devil’s Rain, which I recently caught late on AMC while pulling yet another telecommute all-nighter for my boss and it’s as bad as I remembered (‘it’ being the movie of course, not my boss.)
Left by Serge on October 31st, 2006
Wow!
Now, I was raised fundy and we didn’t celebrate Halloween because it was “materialistic” and all the “evil” overtones of Halloween were frowned upon.
But this Satan scheme is a new one. Particularly because of this:
“Gary and I became Christians in 1982 … Gary and I began attending what appeared to be an independent, fundamental, Bible-believing Baptist church … We remained in this establishment for over ten years. … We later learned that it was founded and run by followers of Satan who were posing as Christians and even attended a Christian college in preparation for the “ministry.” ”
I mean, if Satan’s posse can pose as fundy Christan’s, how do you tell them apart?
Having (mis)spent my youth as a fundy, I can guess what actually happened. They became so fanatical the church leaders had a “talk” with them(read: you Rubies are turning into rabid assholes)which prompted the Rubies to leave that “heretical” church. Where ever they are now, you can bet another blow-up is bound to happen.
Left by King Spirula on October 31st, 2006
I’d just like you all to know that I’m a Christian who’s posing as a follower of Satan. – - – or something like that.
Left by punkinsmom on October 31st, 2006
“In many parts of the world,’ Mom answered, ‘Halloween is a religious holiday – a holiday when people worship satan and honor evil.”
Ooh, I hope she means Canada!
Left by Sniper on October 31st, 2006
Only a generation ago America had special places for the Rubys to go to share their stories with others. Then Reagan closed the Mental Institutions.
Left by owlbear1 on October 31st, 2006
sheesh…..”Rubys”
I don’t think these folks are anything like precious.
Left by King Spirula on October 31st, 2006
Damn gjdodger, you beat me to it.
If you do find that nice’n'castly ‘hood, would you be so kind as to share the adress?
Left by Ole on October 31st, 2006
Halloween is about human sacrifice
Oddly enough, so is Easter. Or half-human sacrifice, at least.
I was hoping to go for the The Man with Two Brains castle chic, but I couldn’t afford all the door repairs.
Left by arghous on October 31st, 2006
Wait a sec’… Druids used to go from castle to castle asking for virgins? They must have used huge pillowcases or extra-strength plastic pumpkin baskets. Also, I was always under the impression that castles were rather far away from each other. That’s what I get for listening to godless historians and archeologists, I guess.
Left by Sniper on October 31st, 2006
Sniper: That’s why they dressed up as Superman or Power Rangers – it gave them the strength to carry all the virgins they collected.*
*alternate response: if you get them young enough, it’s not hard to put them in a pillowcase. [Sorry, couldn't resist.]
Left by HemlockEcho on October 31st, 2006
Note to King Spirula–
The “Satan worshippers” in that church were most likely druidic shape shifters who could change at will into ministers, then back again. Their cover probably got blown when they tried to pretend their scrye mirrors were collection plates (sort of the way medieval Wiccan women might cover one end of their magic wands with straw to make them look like brooms.)
Friggin Celtophobes don’t realize that Christianity might not have survived past the fifth century were it not for the Irish and the Scots. Happy Samhain, everybody!
Left by trashfire on October 31st, 2006
Mikey and Left: You both make some excellent points. Especally about fundies secretly hating kids. Look at some of them who want to bring back child-beating, force them to see a religious snuff film (Passion of the Christ), or the mind-fucking of Brio magazine (the now defunct “Holly and These Ivy Halls” comics were worth the price of admission alone).
Left by Yaoi Huntress Earth on October 31st, 2006
Well, c’mon. Christianity is founded on human sacrifice AND cannibalism.
Left by dAVE on October 31st, 2006
I, for one will begin the sacrifice rituals shortly, as dusk is approaching. I’ve always been a sacrifice-ritual-before-the-candy kind of guy. Then the Smarties.
Left by mmm...lemonheads on October 31st, 2006
Rubies: The Druids went from castle to castle
Realist: They say that like they think it was some kind of castle subdivision.
Subdivision, no. But perhaps a gated community?
(ducking)
Left by FlipYrWhig on October 31st, 2006
Oh, sweet lordy-gordy. If ignorance is bliss, how come these people are such mean-spirited assholes?
http://www.loc.gov/folklife/halloween.html
Oh, and correct me if I’m wrong, but, did they even HAVE castles in the time of the druids? I know pumpkins weren’t a common vegatable in that part of the world at that time. Of course, if Jack Chick didn’t just make shit up, he’d never get anything written, would he? I think the funniest part of “The Trick”(and there’s A LOT to make fun of)is the way the parents are so baffled by the change in their kids’ behavior. Let’s see: They went out trick-or-treating, and one of their friends was murdered, and they nearly died themselves. All of this happened A YEAR AGO, and the killer still hasn’t been found. The only clue they have is that it was somebody in the neighborhood-somebody the kids knew and trusted. Gee, I can’t imagine why they’d be screaming and crying everytime their parents try to drag them to church-they just learned how evel seemingly nice people can be. But what’s the parents conclusion? The kids are possessed!!!!
They’re almost as fucked up as the parents in Charlie Brown’s neighborhood. I mean, they all have a rock set aside to give to one kid, and they all pick the same kid. That was no coincidence-that was planned in advance. They think it’s funny to gang up on a 9 year old and ruin his holiday. Assholes.
Left by Bill S on October 31st, 2006
Just thought I’d point out that my youngest son attends a Jewish day school, most of whose students whoop it up on same way at Halloween. He said today that the ONLY teachers who gave him homework for tonight were in Bible and Rabbinics.
So he’s coming home from trick or treating with his best friend, to do his homework.
Left by Mrs. Tarquin Biscuitbarrel on October 31st, 2006
Thanks mmmmm…..lemonhead
“I, for one will begin the sacrifice rituals shortly, as dusk is approaching”
I almost forgot. My wife asked me to pick up some milk, eggs and a virgin on the way home from work tonight.
Left by tomg on October 31st, 2006
Anybody else think the whole “virgin sacrifice” idea came about as a trick men came up with to get laid?
Left by Bill S on October 31st, 2006
Can’t have a henge for each house in the castle subdivision. Has to be henge, moat, henge, moat, henge, moat, so it seems there is differentiation. And OF COURSE it’s a gated community. The difference is in the crenelated battlements. But anyone who thinks that someone who commands a whole castle is going to just hand over their virgins to the first dirty hippy who shows up saying “I’m a druid, motherfucker, turn over the unsullied chicks” is seriously delusional.
Left by Reba on October 31st, 2006
I did makeup duty for a children’s theater production of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe in high school. We invited a bunch of local groups to come see the show, and one church declined the offer because of the “occult themes”.
Absolutely true story.
Every time I hear Christians talk about ancient religions, I laugh my ass off because they say EXACTLY the same things those ancient religions said about Christianity.
Left by Jack of None on November 1st, 2006
This entire thread has made me laugh until I cried. You people are all brilliant. Thanks, I needed it.
Left by D. Sidhe on November 1st, 2006
I know that compliment was directed at everybody, but I’m still pretending you were only talking about me.
Left by Bill S on November 1st, 2006
I thought she meant me.
Left by merlallen on November 1st, 2006
We all grovel for D. Sidhe’s compliments. I happily count myself among the “we.”
Left by Mrs. Tarquin Biscuitbarrel on November 1st, 2006
“I’m a druid, motherfucker, turn over the unsullied chicks”
That’s a keeper!
Left by King Spirula on November 1st, 2006
I know pumpkins weren’t a common vegatable in that part of the world at that time.
Heh. Jack-o-lanterns were originally made with turnips, but pumpkins were used some years after the discovery of the New World, as they’re more candle-friendly, so to speak.
Left by The Dark Avenger on November 1st, 2006
Zoning, castles, etc:
Most castles were in clusters at the end of dead end streets in gated communities, and Druids would show up to cull the virgins and put them in sacks. That’s where the term “cul de sac” came from. Don’t you morons know history?
Left by trashfire on November 1st, 2006
Hey, that makes as much sense as anything the Rubys said.
Left by Bill S on November 1st, 2006
My kid wore another kid’s costume headpiece one year, and his hair became infested with demons! It was a real hassle, but with the aid of a bottle of R.I.D. and a fine tooth comb, we got rid of the pesky little bastards.
Left by Candy on November 1st, 2006
Turnips are also a bitch to carve. We tried it one year. Actually, I think there may have been a rutabaga and maybe even a jicama in there. These days, we stick to potatoes and daikon. Onions, otoh, are for lazy bastards.
Left by D. Sidhe on November 1st, 2006
BTW, take the title of the post, make one small-yet-homonymic adjustment, and you’ve got “‘Staching the Nation: Near Hell’s Lip,” which could work nicely for a piece on, say, Michael Medved or John Stossel.
Left by FlipYrWhig on November 2nd, 2006
You know why the Druids died out? Because walking ‘castle to castle’ will wear you the heck out.. They don’t usually put those real close together. Heck, I doubt if the Druids could hit more than one or two of them up for treats in a single night.
Left by Pope Impious XXIII on November 2nd, 2006
Dang, and I traded my daughter a bunch of Bite o’ Beelzebubs for peanut butter cups.
Left by Ted on November 2nd, 2006
“What did you fet for Halloween. Charlie Marq?”
[loohs in sack]
“I got a hospital stay.”
[the beagle laughs uncontrollably]
Left by Marq on November 3rd, 2006
AAUUGGHHH!!! “get.” Damnit.
Left by Marq on November 4th, 2006
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