Lileks Has Just Been Replaced On The Web, As Well

Here’s a taste of Steve Don’t Eat it:

I knew I was in trouble as soon as I opened the jar, and heard no reassuring vacuum seal. I must admit that made me nervous, but what are the odds of a dusty jar of warm pig skin going bad, right?

Lifting the lid revealed a weird sour smell, something akin to mild vinegar and stale meat. I almost want to say it was like a freshly douched pork chop. But I won’t. Why? Because I’m a fucking gentleman.

As I attempted to fish out a “good one,” I couldn’t help notice the alarming skin texture. For all those times I wondered what it would be like to gnaw on my grandmother’s thigh, I was about to find out.

It’s like a cross between Lilek’s Gallery of Regrettable Food and a test of the Emergency Broadcast System.  Enjoy.

Posted by scott on Tuesday, May 8th, 2007 at 3:25 am.

7 Responses to “Lileks Has Just Been Replaced On The Web, As Well”

Great for dieters!

Left by BeginningToWonder on May 8th, 2007

[mmmppphhhh]
[mmmppphhhh]
[mmmppphhhh]
[mmmppphhhh]
BBBLLLLLAAAAARRRFFFFFF!!!11!
[hkkktph]
[ughktph'
[hktph]
[ulph]
ah.
.
Damn it, scott! You made me lose my pig-tongues-in-beef-blood-sausage sammich! Now, I’ll have to make another one!

Left by Marq on May 8th, 2007

Steve is a strong man. Been a fan of his for ages. I think he’s run out of alarming food for SDEI tho.

Left by billy pilgrim on May 8th, 2007

Laughed so hard chocolate breast milk came out of my nose…….

Left by trashfire on May 8th, 2007

i LOVE The Sneeze. Steve’s da man.

Left by Uncle Mike on May 8th, 2007

Steve really needs to find a less pedantic hobby.

Left by heydave on May 9th, 2007

This website makes me feel weird in ways that I didn’t realize existed.

Left by Yule Brawl on May 10th, 2007

October 23, 2003 by s.z.

Jesus Actor Struck by Lightning Actor Jim Caviezel has been struck by by lightning while playing Jesus in Mel Gibson's controversial film The Passion Of Christ. The lightning bolt hit Caviezel and the film's assistant director Jan Michelini while they were filming in a remote location a few hours from Rome. It was the second time Michelini had been hit by lightning during the shoot. Um, Dude, did you ever think that maybe this was a sign that God didn't WANT Mel Gibson making this movie?  I mean, if Fox can sue Al Fraken for using the words "Fair and Balanced," what could God do for unauthorized use of his Son? 8:05:33 PM

Note: Atrios has some interesting background info on that item about CB Radios and Reagan.  It turns out it was written by Instapundit.  Go to the Atrios entry called "Instafactless" for an amusing read. 7:38:08 AM

The REAL Meaning of Stuff First, from a piece from TechCentralStation.com (Convoy!), in which the author makes note of John Markoff's likening of weblogs to CB Radio in the 1970s -- and then goes on to defend CB Radio: Citizens' Band radio became popular because of widespread resistance to another example of regulatory overreach: the unpopular 55-mile-per-hour speed limit. Actually passed in 1974, but popularly identified with Jimmy Carter's "moral equivalent of war," speed limits were for the first time set not for reasons of safety, but for reasons of politics and social engineering. [snip] In fact, it's probably not too much of a stretch to say that this combination of resentment over Big Brother intrusiveness, coupled with the means of resisting those intrusions, laid the groundwork for the anti-government explosions of the 1980s. A lot of people used CB radio to evade the unpopular speed limit, and Carter wound up losing to Ronald Reagan, who preached individual freedom and deregulation. It's hard to know which way the causality runs here -- did CB make Reagan's election more likely, by fanning the flames of anti-bureaucratic sentiment? Or was it just an early indicator of that sentiment? Who knows?   So, did CB cause Reagan, or was it just a symptom of him?  Either way, C.W. McCall has much to answer for. And if the blogging fad is indeed like CB radio was in the '70s, then I think we should be alert to the fact that it could be bringing us (or be the harbinger of) the reincarnation of Reagan.  Keep watching the blogs, and stay out of the moors at the time of the full moon.    Next, from a NYT article (Few Viewers and Network Executives Scratch Their Heads) about how the Nelson ratings indicate that nobody is watching TV this season, with men between 18 and 24 showing a particularly big (20%) drop-off in viewership. The drop-off in these viewing figures tabulated by Nielsen Media Research is inexplicable to industry executives. "Frankly what we're seeing strains credulity," said Alan Wurtzel, the president of research for NBC. Executives are demanding an explanation from Nielsen for these discrepancies, which, if they continue, could leave the networks on the hook for hundreds of millions of dollars in so-called make-goods, free commercials to make up for falling short of guarantees to advertisers. Jack Loftus, the corporate spokesman for Nielsen, said the ratings company had assiduously checked its data and was confident the numbers were accurate. He said that while the drop in young men watching television was highly unusual, it was real. Mr. Loftus said Nielsen was examining several possibilities to explain the decline, including some unexpectedly high use of video games and DVD players by the young men now absent from television, and even the possibility that a certain number of the young men who are supposed to be in the sample may have been called to duty in Iraq by the National Guard. So, the fallout from the Iraqi war is all around us, and the most tragic victim so far might be the TV networks, who will now lose millions in revenues because the young men who should be home watching "Joe Millionaire" are off in Iraq.  War, what is it good for? Not selling Maxim Haircolor for Men, that's for sure! Well, there could be other factors causing the decline in TV watching besides the war, of course: One possible factor is more basic, Mr. Sternberg [a research executive in the advertising industry] said — the quality of the new shows. But the TV execs aren't buying that, because who WOULDN'T watch "Skin" or "Whoopi" if they weren't out of the country.  Or dead.  Or both! And lastly, an opinion piece by Arthur Bruzzonem (Masculinity Returns to Politics--Decline of the Democrat's Feminized Male) which, like the first item, was recommended by Town Hall: A televised election debate -- actually, the only televised debate during the recent California gubernatorial campaign -- captured a revealing picture of the American political male. A feminized Democrat, Cruz Bustamante, like a subservient husband beaten down for years, could only repeat annoyingly "Yes, Ariana," in response to attacks on his record by candidate Ariana Huffington. But macho man Schwartzenegger reacted without hesitation to the taunts of an aggressive Ariana Huffington. He counterattacked, smiling, enjoying the counterpunches, confident in his superiority. He had the unmistakable look of an alpha male. [snip] The recent victory of Arnold Schwartzenegger was a dramatic step. He epitomizes the defeminized male. Schwartzenegger dominated the world of muscle building, he dominated the Hollywood of action heroes, and now he dominated not one, but two feminized democrats, Gray Davis and Cruz Bustamante. Now he must deal with one of the Democrat's last red-blooded alpha males, California State Senate Speaker John Burton. Burton champions the causes of the poor; but he does it ruthlessly and viciously. At least he wears no masks. Nor does Howard Dean, the leading Democrat presidential candidate So, we are returning to brute politics, with a purity and directness that has been missing. Politicians have been triangulating, accommodating and appropriating. Let the battles surge; ideas against ideas, passion versus passion, and straight forward attack and counterattack. The world has become too dangerous for feminized males. It's a luxury our families and our nation can't afford. Our enemies are brutal and heartless. The time for feeling our enemies pain is long gone. Our enemy's aggression has rekindled the masculinity in our leaders, fortunately, for all of us. Yes, fortunately for us.  Because our enemies in California State politics are brutal and heartless, and they would rape our women and kill our children if we didn't have masuline leaders to keep them in check.  So, let us now return to the purity of brute politics, where the game is attack, counterattack, and then eat the livers of our defeated foes.    And thank heavens we now have an alpha male like Arnold (who has, after all, been an action hero several times in movies) to lead us and to push women's heads in toilets for us.  Hopefully we can see Arnold and Howard Dean in a Steel-Cage Match for the presidency--the winner gets to grope the loser's women, and give swirlies to any of them who get too mouthy. 5:29:28 AM

Phallic Symbols for Your Dining Pleasure While I did say that the project was concluded at the completion of Ketchup Cake, what I mean was the EXPERIMENT was concluded.  The Regrettable Food Project will continue until we've found fame and fortune and a book deal, or died of food poisoning.  Speaking of which, SOMEBODY (you know who you are) sent me a recipe for marshmallow/Cool-Whip/creme de cacao/sauerkraut pie -- I will keep this one in mind for the future.  The distant future, when we all have personal robots, jet cars, and food pills to meet all our nutritional needs. But before we get to the candidates for next Regrettable Food Experiment, I want to share with you some dishes that come from actual cookbooks instead of advertising booklets.  They are really disturbing. First, something taken from Better Homes and Gardens: Famous Food From Famous Places, a 1964 effort, taking us common folks to fine restaurants all over the country, and giving us some recipes to try at home so we can PRETEND to that we are dining at Antoine's or the 1964 World's Fair.  So, here's Sugarbush Bombe, as served at New York's Tower Suite restaurant (i.e., by a hooker dressed up in a French maid costume).  The, um, "bombe" is actually a custardy pudding made with gelatin, egg yolks, ground hazelnuts, and maple syrup, topped with fake maple leaves.  I have no idea what the rolled-up condom at the base is -- it's not mentioned in the recipe. This next dish comes from Betty Crocker's Cookbook for Boys and Girls, a primer from 1957 designed to teach kids the joys of constructing fruit Carmen Mirandas (complete with raisin eyes, a cherry mouth, and a flamboyant hat) to float on the top of their bowl of cereal. But the salad below sends all the wrong mesages to kids, if you ask me: Anyway, I don't want to make Sugarbush Bombe, because I don't have a bombe pan and I don't feel like grinding up hazel nuts.  So, instead I propose something from another recipe in the Better Homes and Gardens book: Potato Salad from Disneyland's Main Street USA!  It's just potato salad, but it's from Disneyland! And while Candle Salad is easy to make (stand a banana on a pineapple slice; top with a cherry), I don't WANNA eat it.  So, instead from the Betty Crocker book for kids, I suggest Three Men in a Boat.  It has hollowed-out baked potatoes for the boat, Kraft cheese slices for the sails, and three men for the little lady. Get your votes in by Saturday afternoon, and you can help decide history.  1:54:35 AM

Dennis Miller: This is Your Brain on Conservatism You know, I used to think that Dennis Miller was funny, smart and interesting.  But I lost track of him, and then the next thing I know, he's on the Fox News Channel all the time.  And he's not funny, not smart, and only interesting as a case study of a life gone horribly wrong.  What the hell happened to him?  I do recall him being a sports commentator, and getting fired--and now he's looney.  Just like how Rush was a sports commentator, got pressured to resign, and is now a drug addict.  How many times are we going to let this happen before we outlaw ESPN??? And speaking of the judicial system, here are the highlights of Dennis' latest column or monologue or whatever it is he does for "Hannity & Colmes" (Malvo's Insanity Defense is Nuts): We’re about to enter the morass of the D.C. sniper trial, a trial in which one of the snipers, John Lee Malvo, told an interrogator that he shot a sixth grader in the chest to see how the chief of police would react on the nightly news. Now he’s going to plead insanity. Well you know something? That’s just not good enough, pal.    Why does insanity always get you off the hook?  It’s like a “Get Out Of Reality Free Card.” All you have to do is say you were a little cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, and all of a sudden caring people with zero regard for the victim’s loved ones will convert some of their Delta miles and fly in to attend an anti-death penalty candlelight-vigil in your honor. All of a sudden people are feeling sorry for you, because you killed someone, because you were crazy! Of course you were crazy! That’s the point!      Lawyers have to start passing on guys like this. When a guy admits to shooting a sixth grader on a playground as a goof, you have to walk away. . . . I say we let the surviving family members decide what should be done to him. It’s their cataclysmic loss, simply let it be their decision. Who could possibly argue with that? And if that was the case, I’m pretty sure John Lee Malvo wouldn’t last too long after the final verdict is rendered. As a matter of fact, maybe this is the case where we install a hair-trigger derringer in the judge’s gavel and as Malvo is standing to be sentenced the judge can close the case and even the score in one fell swoop. Got that?    Scary, huh?  Miller's remodeling of the criminal justice system has lawyers deciding that defendants who appear really guilty (to the lawyers) get no defense; the victims' family members in charge of sentencing; and judges doing the executions.  Even Judge Dredd offered you a better shot at justice than Dennis.  (And speaking of Judge Dredd, I'll post Scott's hilarious deconstruction of the Sylvester Stallone movie later this week, for your legal edification.)  While Miller probably meant this to be funny, you know, it's just not.  It reminds me of what our local coot writes in his daily Letters to the Editor, which he hand carries to the local paper so the post office won't steal them.  (Admittedly, the coot's letters are a longer,  and usually cite Bible verses to explain why anybody who doesn't love Bush is going to hell, but they are as judgemental and irrational as Dennis's piece, and give you that same feeling that you should pity the writer for his shabby life.) And Dennis, who used to be smart, must know that the insanity defense does NOT "always get you off the hook" -- less than one percent of defendents use it, and only 25% of them are aquitted (and in 80% of those cases, it's because the prosecution agreed it was appropiate, and agreed to a plea deal before trial began).  And those defendants that are aquitted on a "not guilty by reason of defense" verdict end up spending, on the aveage, at least as much time, or more, locked up than those found guilty.  Well, Denis does know it, since he has his Kumbaya advocates for mentally-ill criminals just seeking to get the death penalty taken off the table, not trying to free anyone.  And I would posit that all Malvo's defense team realistically is hoping for is to get their their youthful client sent away for life instead of executed.  So, all of Dennis's outrage is over the fact that a teenage boy who has been in the total control of a psycho for the past several years might get life in prison instead of the death penalty.  Well, actually, I don't think Dennis really cares what happens to Malvo: he just wanted to use the phrase "cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs" in public, sound like he's doing something for the families of crimes victims (many of whom, by the way, don't want to see anybody fry), and make fun of compassion.  Sad, really. Bottom line: Dennis demands that the public feel no sympathy for anyone who has done bad things, even if there might be mitigating factors involved.   Dennis, FYI, striking out at the Dittoheads this way is not a good move for somebody who's thinking about running for State office as a Republican.  Sure, you can claim that you were not thinking straight when you wrote what you did, but I doubt they're gonna buy it.  1:48:29 AM

October 19, 2003, by s.z.

"It's Red Magic: All the Fascinating Flavor Tricks You Can Work With Heinz Ketchup." Here's the executive summary of the Ketchup Cake Experiment: it's not as bad as you might think.  The recipe was easy (one bowl, no whipping of egg whites, no wrapping bacon around wieners).  The recipe seemed like actual home economists (albeit, home economists in the pay of the ketchup Mafia) thought it out, and not just crazy old Aunt Jenny.  (There was enough liquid so that the batter wasn't too thick, and there was NO GRAVY MADE FROM WORCHESTERSHIRE SAUCE AND WATER).  No trauma at all involved in preparing this one, with the exception of the unsettling orange color of the batter.  Here's the recipe, in case you want to know what I went through: Spice Nut Cake 2-1/2 cups sifted flour 1-1/4 cups sugar 1-1/2 teaspoons baking soda 1/2 teaspoon baking power 1/2 teaspoon salt 1 teaspoon nutmeat 2/3 cup shortening 2/3 cup Heinz Tomato Ketchup 2/3 cup milk 3 eggs 1/3 cup milk 1/2 cup finely chopped walnuts Grated rind of 1 lemon Heat oven to 350 degrees.  Sift first 6 ingredients into mixing bowl.  Add shortening, ketchup, and 2/3 cup milk; beat 300 strokes with spoon or 2 minutes at medium speed.  Add eggs and 1/3 cup milk; beat 2 minutes longer.  Fold in nuts and lemon rind.  Spread batter evenly in 2 greased and floured layer pans (9" by 2").  Bake 30-35 minutes.  Frost with butter cream or cream cheese frosting. And this is what it looks like when it's done: And what does it taste like?  It's nice and moist, but not brick-like (unlike, say, Pineapple Parfait cake).  It tastes kind of like applesauce cake, with a hint of nutmeg and lemon . . . and a weird, unpleasant after taste.  I attribute that to the ketchup.  But if you put enough cream cheese frosting on it, eat it quick, and then have a glass of water, it's not bad.  It's nothing you'd want to make if you had other ingredients to work with, but after the apocalypse, when all we have left is ketchup, then you could make this cake and probably be relatively happy to have it. And you could serve it to those with undiscriminating palates, or people who were around in the days when the cookbook came out, and so presumably grew up on this kind of thing.  In fact, my parents came over this evening and I gave them  slices.  They thought it was fine.  And they LIKED the idea of making cake with ketchup -- my mother said, "It's basically like carrot cake, but with the advantage that it's a lot easier to pour in some ketchup than it is to grate a bunch of carrots."  So, apparently Heinz knew what they were doing back in 1957: using the miracle of processed food to save consumers from having to use real foods in their cooking. Anyway, despite it's weird aftertaste, I have to say this experiment was the most successful one in the Regrettable Food Project so far.  I might even make it again -- if I could leave out the ketchup. Project concluded.  Lesson learned: Giant anthropomorphic tomatoes are much more trustworthy than small town busybodies with Spry fetishes.  So, next time you're having marriage problems, bypass Aunt Jenny and ask Comrade Tomato Head for advice. 10:56:40 PM     O'Reilly Declares Media Unfair Because Not Everybody Likes Him; Guesses He'll Eat Some Worms Bill O'Reilly uses his column this week (Media Bias) to denounce more people who have mortally insulted him by not properly worshipping him (while he has traditionally used "The Most Ridiculous Item of the Day" for this kind of thing, he's apparently needs a larger scope as his enemies increase in number). Bill says that until a few months ago, he thought the national media was pretty well-balanced.  But lately he has come to the shocking conclusion that it isn't.  And what was it that finally removed the scales from Bill's eyes, and demonstrated to him the elite media's slant towards the far left?  The fact that they take Al Franken's side over Bill's! But I've now learned the hard way that liberal bias is a way of life for many media organizations. Over the past few months I have been slimed, smeared, and pilloried primarily by leftists who do not approve of my commentary. I am not whining, I'm reporting. Sure, Bill,  Whatever you say.  Tell us more about your horrific treatment. In my case the attacks are very personal but also designed to advance the far-left agenda. Item: When my new book "Who's Looking Out for You?" hit number one on the New York Times bestseller list, it was described as an "attack" vehicle. In reality the book is a primer for everyday Americans on how to achieve success and stability. Well, let's look at what it covers, per the Publisher's Weekly review, which you found "very positive": The tough talking no-spin anchor of The O'Reilly Factor offers his many fans another no-holds-barred excoriation of the usual suspects - but also, surprisingly, some others. In his latest, the bestselling author (The No Spin Zone) scrutinizes the forces at play in the lives of ordinary Americans, seeking to answer the question in the title. His conclusion: not the U.S. government; not the media; not the Catholic bishops ("elderly white men who have spent their lives playing politics and currying favor with the conservative zealots in the Vatican"). Other offenders include "antipolice minority 'leaders'"; Hollywood moguls who put profit before public morality; lawyers eager to make a buck on the back of taxpayers and the justice system itself - and the list goes on. You know, even though you're just trying to help people achieve success and stablity by pointing out all the shortcomings you see in the media, the government, Catholic bishops, minority leaders, Hollywood, lawyers, etc., some people (like, say, minority leaders, Hollywood moguls, lawyers, etc.) might consider this an attack.  And you use the book to say nasty things about the Clintons, Ted Kennedy; John Kerry, Bill Moyers, etc., don't you, Bill?  So, maybe the NYT just misunderstood, and didn't realize that you only attack because you love.   Item: In the past ten years only two people have had three number one non-fiction bestsellers on the Times list: Washington Post reporter Bob Woodward and your humble correspondent. Yet somehow the Times has not gotten around to reviewing any of my books while tomes by the liberal "satirists" are given major exposure. This does appear to show bias on the part of the NYT.  Maybe it's liberal biasis, and maybe it's just literary biasis, in that they don't like your books..  Item: People Magazine assigned a man who loathes me (I know, I know it's hard to believe) to review "Who's Looking Out for You?" Newsflash - he didn't like it. Bill, why doesn't he like you?  Was it because you called him names, maybe?  You know, if you are going to personally ridicule reviewers on your show, you really can't expect them to like your books.  This isn't liberal bias, it's "How to Win Enemies and Alienate People."  And I have to say that this is the first time I heard anyone accuse People Magazine of being part of the elite media. Item: A National Public Radio interviewer insisted on reading that People Magazine review on the air during her chat with me. When I strongly suggested she read the very positive review in Publisher's Weekly magazine as well, she refused. Bill, let's tell the story truthfully, okay?  She wanted to read the portion of the review where the reviewer talks about you calling him a "pinhead" on your show because he wrote a bad review of your previous book.  She thought that this showed an unfortunate inability on your part to cope with criticism, and a propensity to try to punish those who disagree with you.  But you got up and walked out of the interview before she could read it.  I guess that showed her that you CAN TOO handle criticism gracefully. Item: Matt Lauer on The Today Show sat there smirking as one of the far-left "satirists" defamed me. When my publicist called The Today Show asking for a chance to respond, the program turned me down. Okay, Matt Lauer found Al Fraken amusing, and The Today Show thinks Al is a better guest than you.  Bias?  Sure.  But I don't know if it's liberal biasis.  Maybe it's just that they find satire more entertaining than pompous polemics.  Or maybe it's just good taste. The assault from the left is directly because of the unprecedented success of the Fox Newschannel. LOL.  Yes, everybody is saying mean things about you because they're just jealous of you and your mighty Fox News.  Just like the other kids didn't invite you to their birthday parties because they were jealous of how smart and talented and handsome you were.  You keep believing that, Bill.  My name is no longer Bill O'Reilly, it's "gasbag," "bully," "liar," and "blowhard." Those descriptions are not confined to opinion pieces but are routinely used in hard news stories as well. Really?  Let's check it out.  Using Google's news search (which covers over 4500 news sources, and goes back a month) I searched for "Bill O'Reilly" and "gasbag."  I got just one hit (other than direct quotes from Al Franken, which were always sourced as such): in Newsweek's entertainment section, in an intro to an interview with Rapper Ludacris: Ludacris sold 7 million albums, starred in “2 Fast, 2 Furious” and was Pepsi’s spokesman until conservative gasbag Bill O’Reilly complained the rapper was too lewd to shill the all-American beverage, and the company dropped him The search for "Bill O'Reilly" and "bully" also turned up only one hit (other than Al Franken quotes): a personal essay in the Chicago Sun-Time about the Book Festival, and about hearing Al Franken speak: (I never tire of hearing the story of his confrontation with that bully Bill O'Reilly.) And a search for "Bill O'Reilly" and "blowhard" revealed only hit: also theChicago Sun Times, in a music review covering Ludacris's new CD: Sure, Ludacris plays the bling card, but his enthusiasm is so shamelessly infectious that it's hard to take any of it too seriously (except, of course, for the frequent shots at Fox News Channel blowhard Bill O'Reilly, with whom Ludacris feuded earlier this year). Oh, and then there was this: Nevertheless, like an increasing number of Americans, I'll take the quasi-conservative blowhard O'Reilly over the moribund leftist cadavers at CNN, despite his purple pen. But that's from a disparaging review of Franken's book, at World Net Daily -- so hardly elite OR media.  So, after learning that these descriptions were NOT used routinely, and were NOT used in hard news stories, I didn't bother to look for "Bill O'Reilly" and "liar."  But then, Bill considered Janet Maslin's review of Al's book "character assasination" against him, so I guess he's just a little, um, extra-sensitive about the media talking to his enemies.   Bill, you have to accept that not everybody is going to like you (especially since you don't put forth any effort to be likeable).  And it doesn't help your cause when you keep getting into feuds with satirists and rappers and other people who are more likeable and better with words than you are.  And not everybody is going to agree with you -- the real world isn't like your show, where you can shout down or de-mike anybody whose opinions you don't like.  The fact that some people don't like you, and some people don't agree with you  isn't evidence of "liberal bias."  Just like the fact that many media outlets make fun of William Shatner's "singing" isn't evidence of anti-Canadian bias.   Dude, accept it: it's JUST YOU.  But life goes on, okay?  If you can't handle a little rejection, show biz isn't the right place for you.  And some therapy wouldn't hurt either.  This isn't an attack -- I'm just trying to help you achieve success and stability. 5:30:12 AM

October 18, 2003 by s.z.

Fresh, Tasty Links! Okay, I added some more favorite blogs to my Navigator Links section (and if you realized how hard adding links is for me, what with having to use CODE and stuff, you'd realize what a high honor I have bestowed on these favored few).  I also clarified that the part of the Lileks site I like is the Institute of Official Cheer, with all the cool, old stuff and the funny commentary.  I know some people like "The Daily Bleat," but it doesn't really float my boat, maybe because I'm not raising a small insect of my own, and because I have enough petty stuff going on in my own life that I don't need to hear about anybody else's.  But that's just me. I'm sure I forgot to include many, many fine blogs, and I'll try to add them the next time I dare to fiddle with the Navigator Links again (and it may not be for a while, because having to write in secret computer language scares, me, since I'm afraid I'll make the whole blog disappear in a puff of smoke).  But for now, I have Ketchup Cake to prepare and my cat to retrieve from the little neighbor girl who stole him (okay, the cat is a slut, willing to purr for anybody who pays attention to him, but I still should get him back). 7:40:31 PM

Oh, and it seems that President Bush has a new nickname: Beefman! So, tell World o' Crap (one of America's leading online news services) what you think Beefman's most notable super power is.  We'll share the results with Congress, the President, and key members of his administration, providing they read this blog.  3:54:56 PM

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Urgent National Online Poll! Hey, if you want to make your voice heard about how the liberal media is so unfair to Rush in particular and conservatives in general, go here: Rush Poll NewsMax.com, one of America's leading online news services, is conducting an urgent national online poll. NewsMax will provide the results of this poll to major media, Congress, the President, and key members of the administration. Additionally, NewsMax's results will be shared with every major radio talk show host in America. NewsMax reports have been cited by national major media, including Fox News, CNN and MSNBC. Don't miss this opportunity to let your voice be heard! Many media outlets and national leaders are interested in your opinion. Oh, and Media Outlets and National Leaders: here are my opinions.  I do support Rush -- as I support all drug addicts -- in that I hope he gets the treatment he needs.  And yes, despite my already low opinion of him before, I do think less of him, knowing that he tried to bully recent miscarriage victims out of their pain meds.  And has the media been fair to him?  Well, more fair than he's been to other people with similar problems.    Feel free to come to me anytime you want to know more of what I think. 3:47:02 PM

Blink Your Way to Success And here's my favorite tip from TownHall's Neil Cavuto, and his important piece on how you surly, teenaged, minimum-wage-earning service workers can become sucessful like Neil, and more importantly, give him better service: Smile While You Work -- Blink fast. Slow blinkers tend to be slow people, period. They respond slowly, react slowly and think slowly. Fast blinkers do none of these. I hope this idea changes your life as much as it did mine. 12:45:31 AM

So, thanks to the last-minute ballot stuffing by Ted (Ted, H. J.  said that to tell you thanks, and that there'll be some extra Heinz bottles in your Christmas stocking this year), tomorrow I'll be buying some ketchup, walnuts, and some green cream cheese so I can make Spice Nut Cake.         But I wanted to do something for you Dr. Pepper fans, so here's a cake recipe you can call your own: Choco-Devil Cake   (It's one of Satan's favorites--he loves the combo of buttermilk and boiling Dr Pepper) 1/2 cup butter 2-1/2 cups brown sugar 3 eggs 3 ounces unsweetened chocolate, melted, 1/2 cup buttermilk 2-1/4 teaspoons soda 1/2 teaspoon salt 2-1/4 cups cake flour 2 teaspoons vanilla 1 cup boiling Dr. Pepper. Cream butter, add brown sugar gradually creaming until well blended.  Add eggs, one at a time, blending well after each addition.  Add chocolate, slightly cooled.  Add 1 teaspoon soda to buttermilk and 1-1/3 teaspoons soda and the salt to flour.  Add flour and buttermilk alternatively.  Add vanilla; mix in Dr. Pepper.  Pour batter into 3 greased and floured 8-inch round pans.  Bake at 375 degrees F 25-30 minutes.  Cool on rack and frost with your favorite frosting. P.S.  The image is courtesy of the Dr Pepper Museum in Waco, TX.  The Free Enterprise Institute was created in 1997 for the purpose of educating Texas school children and adults about the economic system that underlies American life. The Dr Pepper Museum and Free Enterprise Institute is dedicated to being the finest museum in the world devoted to telling the story of the soft drink industry and to using this industry as a practical model of the free enterprise system. And I'm sure they suceed admirably, and feel certain their tours have taught many a Texas schoolchild about the American dream, and how carbonated beverages defeated communism.  If you're near Waco and want to learn about free enterprise and pop, I suggest you pay them a visit. 12:24:57 AM

October 12, 2003 by s.z.

BEFORE we finish up with Spry, I thought we could recount another story from "Aunt Jenny's Favorite Recipes, Sins, and Scandals."  This one is about Aunt Jenny herself, and her husband Cal.  We call it

Sprys of Our Lives

 

Yes, this is Jenny and Cal on their honeymoon, c. 1910.  Jenny, as you can from the photo, was an attractive young woman back then, while Cal was Charlie Chaplin.  It was obviously a passionate relationship, since Jenny has her hand on Cal's crotch, even with the photographer right there.  But somewhere the magic went out of this relationship.  Let's hear both of their accounts of what went wrong, and answer the question: Can This Marriage Be Saved.

Cal's Story

When I first met Jenny, I was a travelin' salesman.  She was a farmer's daughter.  You've heard the story a thousand times before.  Anyways, after a shotgun marriage we set up housekeepin' in Littleton.  Everything was okay when we first started out.  I'd spend a week on the road, supplyin' Spry to various emporiums and feed stores around the state, and then I'd come home and Jenny would welcome me with something hot . . . and it wouldn't be Halibut With Cheese Sauce!  She was a lusty wench, my Jenny, and if she'd had her way, I never would have left the bedroom while I was home.  But you know, a man just needs a break sometimes, and there ARE other things to do besides foolin' around -- like listenin' to "Little Orphan Annie" on the radio, and collectin' rocks, and, you know, fun stuff.

So, after I come home once and just wanted to eat a decent dinner in peace and then do some whittlin', Jenny started a bawlin' and told me that I loved Spry more than her.  Which is just plan silly, 'cause I just supply the stuff to merchants--I don't care for it at all, personally.  But then, I been to the factory, and that can set a body against the stuff, if he don't care for the smell of whale blubber.  But I do like bein' on the road, where a man can just, you know, think.  And not have to please a woman all the time.

Anyways, when I went to bed that night, it was to find Jenny covered in a light coat of Triple-Creamed Spry.  And I have to admit, it was mighty fine.  Jenny was all soft and creamy, and smooth and white--or maybe that was just the Spry.  Anyway, it was good for both of us.  But that was the start of Jenny's fixation.

When I came home the next week, it was to find the kitchen full of pies.  Apple pie.  Prune pie.  Mellowscotch pie (Jennie may CLAIM that I said the fillin's as smooth as a kitten's ear, but what I really said was "Jenny, no matter how tender the crust is, you can NOT use a kitten as fillin'--what would the neighbors say!"). 

It was nice at first.  Lots of food.  Jenny not botherin' me, so's I had time to play checkers with Fred Cooper the mailman, or to work on my bottle-top collection.  But after I while, I get to feelin' frisky, and I asked Jenny if maybe she wanted to get greased up and play "Travelin' Salesman and Spry-Coated French Prostitute," but she said that she had some fryin' to do...and that became the pattern of our lives.  Her preparin' metric tons of food we never ate and pretendin' I was as excited about it as her, and me findin' comfort somewhere else -- at the picture shows, watching cowboy movies.

Jenny's Story

I met Cal when I was 17.  He looked so dashin' then, what with his black mustache and his sideburns.  I thought he was just like an Arab Sheik from one of those naughty books I read under the covers when everybody was asleep.

We fell madly in love, and after a whirlwind courtship of a couple of weeks, we up an' married.  I thought that after we were hitched, Cal would quit his travelin job and find something here in town, 'cause he'd want to spend more time with me.  But no, he seemed to LIKE gettin' away from me.  And what was I supposed to do all week while he was gone?  I joined all the ladies societies.  I crocheted doilies until they was there layers deep in the parlor.  I meddled in the lives of my friends and neighbors.  But these activities couldn't fill the void in my heart.  Well, the meddlin' was okay, but I don't much care for crochetin'.

And even worse, when Cal did come home, he never wanted to do his marital duty.  He claimed to be "too tired," or "too busy," or "in the middle of an excitin' Orphan Annie adventure."  And after while, it got to makin' me feel undesirable as a woman.

There was one night when I coated me up with the shortenin', and Cal seemed pretty excited.  That was right nice for me too.  And that week, while Cal was away, I read the Spry can and learned it could be used for other things.  Like cookin'.  So, I tried one of the receipts on the can (Blackberry Tuckaway, it was), and it turned out mighty good.  In fact, Fred Cooper came by with the mail right after I took the cobbler out of the oven, and he said somethin' sure smelled good.  So, I offered him some, and he said that it was the best he's ever had.  And I felt, you know, WOMANLY again.  

So, while Cal was off, doin' whatever he did, I would cook.  Pies, cakes, french fries, meat -- all the stuff men like.  And sure enough, the menfolk in town would all stop by my kitchen.  And I'd feed them, and they'd rave about my tender fried chicken thighs and my moist dumplings, and I'd feel good.  And after while, the women in town started noticin' that their men were hangin' around my kitchen, and so they started comin' by, claimin' they wanted my cake receipts or help with their biscuits, but I knew the bitches were just jealous.  So, I'd always mess up the recipes, so they couldn't duplicate my cookin', and their men would keep comin' by to see me.

Yup, I was ready to offer a hot meal to any man in town: Jed Hopkins, the one-eyed farm hand, Lou Braegger, the town drunk, and those hobos who love my Magic Meat Pie.  And their words of praise would make me tingle -- even Grandpa Briggs, up at the Old Soldiers Home, and he's gotta be 80 if he's a day.  But when I felt something stirrin' inside when little Elmer told me he wished his Mom would make cookie but SHE said they were too much work, I knew I needed help and told Cal we needed to see a therapist.

The Therapist's Story

After hearing both Cal and Jenny talk, it became obvious that had radically different ideas about what marriage entailed -- and over the years, they had never talked about this.  Jenny, a highly sexed woman, needed to feel desired.  And when Cal couldn't give her the physical intimicies she wanted, she sublimated her sexual desires into cooking.  And when her cuisine brought her attention from other men, she didn't need Cal anymore. 

Jenny pretended to others that Cal too raved over her Swiss Steak and admired her Silver Sauce, but the truth was that Cal couldn't interest himself in her cooking anymore than he could have a normal sexual relationship with a woman.  Cal really WAS like a little boy, like Jenny said once.  While he was capable of being aroused by a woman (their limited sexual experimentation was what led to their ill-advised marriage, after Jenny's father found out about it), he was basically not interested in sex, preferring to spend his time on his own, more juvenile pursuits, like movies and collecting things.  He saw Jenny as a mother figure (her white hair and matronly frame -- even though she was just in her 40's -- did make this almost inevitable), and while he didn't want to sleep with her, he did want to feel like she cared for him.  It hurt him that her only interest was cooking, and she didn't want to share any of his activities with him.

I advised Cal to fake some enthusiasm for her cooking, speculating that even false praise from Cal would be enough to get her to reciprocate interest in Cal's life and go to a Red Ryder movie with him occasionally.  I got a card from Jenny later, showing Cal with an incredibly fake expression of glee on his face while Jenny sets a strawberry shortcake the size of a hubcap before him.  But she seemed to have taken his admiration as genuine, as she said to me, "Here's Calvin gloatin' over one of my strawberry shortcakes.  My, but he IS fond of 'em." So, I guess my advice to Cal worked, and was able to feel somewhat included in his wife's life, at little cost to him.

And I told Jenny to have an affair with Fred the mailman.  It would help her to avoid going to excesses with her cooking, and would also allow her to take some of the pressure off Cal, so they could continue to maintain their sham of a marriage.  Which I thought they should do, for the sake of the Spry.

1:09:11 AM   

October 11, 2003 by s.z.

Ketchup Vs. Dr. Pepper: The Polls are Now Open I suppose it's time to choose our next experiment for the Regrettable Food Project (modeled after the very popular "Julie/Julia Project," except instead of preparing dishes from the pages of Julia Childs' Mastering the Art of French Cooking, we choose recipes from the pages of James Lileks' Gallery of Regrettable Food). This week I thought maybe we'd broaden our corporate sponship bids beyond Spry by going after lucrative Heinz and Pepsi Products endorsements.  So, your nominees are: A.  Something from the 1965 classic, "Cookin' With Dr. Pepper" (a dropped consonant is always a sign of good eatin', so you know that these recipes, which literally range from soup to nuts, are chock full of yummy Dr. Peppery appeal).  As the intro tells us, "We invite you to be adventurous--and try this novel approach to mealtime versatility: Mate Swapping Potlucks".  Well, actually, putting Dr. Pepper in everything.  "Young homemakers will especially welcome these new ideas.  They are excitingly original--and backed by our test kitchens' promise of perfect results every time."  Well, I can buy that these ideas are "original"-- I haven't seen anybody else put Dr. Pepper in Chocolate Cake, Potato Salad, or Shrimp Dip before.  But "Perfect results every time"?  Since I haven't had perfect results even ONCE, I just don't know . . .But I guess since they made a PROMISE, I can sue them if I have another Magic Meat Pie experience. For our recipe from this booklet, I propose something simple: Festive Meat Loaf.  It's your basic meat loaf (ground beef, bread crumbs, chopped onion, a cup of Dr. Pepper), but inside is a special surprise: 5 whole hard-boiled eggs! or B.  How about something from "57 Prize-Winning Recipes from H.J. Heinz," which came out in 1957.  (I assume that if they were updating it for 2003, you'd only get 3 Prize-Winning Recipes, but each one would contain 10 cups of ketchup.)  This recipe book is featured on pages 101-108 of Regrettable Food, in the chapter entitled "Submit to the Power of Ketchup."  (It's the one with the woman speculatively eyeing the chef with the giant tomato head, and the fey guy in the Harlequin costume putting ketchup in the spinach so it will appeal to men.) From this booklet, I suggest Spice Nut Cake (page 108 in your Lileks handbook).  It's your basic spice cake, with the addition of 2/3 cup Heinz Ketchup.  You top it with green cream cheese frosting, for that festive look. So, vote for your choice!  We'll announce the winner in a couple of days, and prepare it right here in this blog for your enjoyment.  Or something. 11:54:33 PM

Bill O'Reilly Seeks Help of Followers; Afraid of Crucifix-Wielding Bjork For today's Most Ridiculous Item of the Day Bill O'Reilly announced that he was going to be on "The Tonight Show" on October 15th (hey, no lawsuits--Bill said it, not us), and urged his audience to get tickets for it, if they could. Bill added: I'm encouraging this because of the Bjork factor. I appeared on The Tonight Show along with the singer and the crowd well, was a bit different. In fact when I walked out, they all whipped out crosses! So it might be nice to have some Factor people there just for moral support. While we are not here to judge anyone for their unconventional life-style, we urge all Non-Factor People attending the "Tonight Show" taping on the 15th to pack plenty of holy water and wolfwane, just as a precaution.  2:12:12 AM

Ann Coulter Names Another Traitor In response to those persistant, illiterate requests to out somebody who was actually a traitor, not just a guy who published a newspaper who printed stuff she didn't like, Ann named the religious fundementalist who made the following statement to one of his associates, whose screed the cleric had just read: "I read your book.  When you get through, you say, "You say, 'If I could just get a nuclear device inside Foggy Bottom, I think that's the answer' and you say, 'We've got to blow that thing up." When informed that the speaker was Reverend Pat Robertson , Ann said, quote, "Nevermind."  1:51:28 AM

Being There For Rush I'm not going to poke fun of Rush Limbaugh and his drug addiction problem.  I am, however, going to poke fun of Dittoheads and THEIR addiction problem. I actually made this decision early this morning, while I was skimming through the top threads on Lucianne Goldberg's site.  There I saw an opinion piece which Lucianne had posted (along with an approving comment) about how those mean people should stop dumping on Rush in his time of trouble, and how Rush should just take the time he needed to get treatment and not worry about the political ramifications.  You'd think that Lucianne's people would approve of a message like this -- and a couple of them did, only to be stridently denounced by everybody else.  The majority said that the writer of the original article was obviously a Hitleryite, because otherwise she wouldn't be so eager to tell Rush what to do.  And most people there said that the author of the op-ed piece AND the Luccianners who liked it must be liberals, because otherwise they wouldn't dream of thinking that Rush even HAD a drug problem.  Most posters claimed that the stories about Rush were started by snitches (obviously being directed by the evil Democrats) who made false reports to the skanky National Inquirer, in an effort to destroy Rush.  One poster said that Rush's radio show had "raised him," and as a long time listener he would know if Rush had been on drugs for the past four years -- and since Rush still sounded as sharp and sensible as ever, Rush obviously WAS NOT abusing drugs, and only a Clinton-lover would say he was.  I'd provide you with the link and give you some exact quotes, but as of this afternoon that article and the comments thread associated with it were nowhere to be found at Lucianne.com.  One might conclude that somebody thought there was something to hide.  Actually, I can fully comprehend the pain and confusion the Dittoheads must be experiencing now, and think it's understandable that they would scramble to come up with explanations that will allow them to come to terms with Rush's confession this afternoon, while still maintaining their faith in his divinity.  Right-wing pundits will have to do some similiar scrambling in order to counteract any suggestion that the announcement that the "voice of conservatism" is a drug addict has somehow tarnished their cause.  Having done some more web surfing this evening, I think I have a fair idea of most of the rationalizations and justifications that the Dittoheads are using to make everything make sense again.  I have listed them below.  I suggest that all conservative pundits pick whichever ones they like best, and make free use of them in the days to come: 1.  Rush is not a hypocrite, because while he advocated locking up those who abuse illegal drugs, he never said anything about LEGAL drugs.  Oxycontin is LEGAL. 2.  While it IS illegal to buy Oxycontin outside of prescribed channels, Rush wouldn't have had to resort to this method if it weren't for the government's persecution of pain-medicating doctors.  When the DEA won't allow doctors to prescribe for their patients the incredibly massive doses of painkillers they need, we force these sufferers to send their housekeepers out in the streets for them.  3.  But the above only refers to legal drugs that only became illegal due to uncompassionate and misguided laws, not to drugs that are INTRINSICALLY illegal, such as crack. 4.  Rush Limbaugh did not take drugs to get high, like those drug users he always subjected to such scorn; no, he used drugs to cope with his crippling pain. 5.  While Rush's doctor had stopped writing him prescriptions for painkillers, and so apparently thought that Rush's pain wasn't all that severe, Rush couldn't have been using drugs just to "feel good," because prescribed opiates are MORAL and so do not give the pill popper any pleasure, unlike illegal opiates, such as heroin. 6.  And speaking of Rush's doctor, isn't it HIS fault that Rush became addicted to drugs?  Shouldn't he have been, like, doing blood tests or something and have KNOWN that Rush was illicitly getting Oxycontin, and then FORCED him to stop taking them? 7.  Rush said he chose to treat his back pain with prescribed medication instead of further operations -- and while the medication wasn't prescribed for HIM, his maid's husband did have a prescription for it.  Anyway, it was still a medical decision, and so we again blame his doctor for giving him such bad advice. 8.  Rush has taken the responsible, noble step of admitting that he has a problem and seeking help for it, and we should all admire him for that. 9.  While it's true that he only admitted his problem because he had gotten caught, he did undergo quick-fix rehabs twice before, which shows that he was TRYING to quit.  And the fact that he failed twice before does not show a lack of character on his part, it only shows how addictive drugs can be, and now powerless people are once in their grasp, and how we should have compassion for these unfortunates. 10.  But only the ones addicted to legal drugs. 11.  While 30 days is only enough time to detox and not enough time to establish any lasting behavioral changes, Rush can come out in 30 days and say he's cured because Jesus can heal any of us in an instant. 12.  And while Rush was taking Oxycontin only to deal with his crippling back pain, and so will presumably be in crippling pain again once he stops the drugs, if he isn't crippled when he gets out (and is back to playing golf), it's due to Jesus again. 13.  And since Rush was a productive member of society while using the drugs he needed to cope with the pain, let none dare label him an "addict."  If he can function so admirably (once he has the drugs he needs to keep him from being disabled by pain), then what was so wrong with him doing what he did to get the chemical help he needed?  If it hadn't been for that National Inquirer snitch, no one would have known that Rush was even using drugs -- so the SNITCH is the bad guy. 14.  The above rationalizations only apply to Rush.  Other people, using Non-Legal drugs to manage their pain, do not get to use this excuse, and we applaud the snitches that turn THEM in.  Because while scientists have just announced that emotional pain is registered by the same brain receptors as physical pain, and psychiatrists have said that many drug addicts use drugs and alcohol to self-medicate their emotional pain, those other drug addicts do not know the emotional pain of being a rich, famous, powerful white man, and presumably don't have physical pain either, and so they are not allowed to self-medicate.  Only Rush has truly experienced pain. 15.  The fact that Rush was able to do his radio show, to send forth such brilliant bon mots and profound wisdom to a needy world, while addicted to an opiate goes to show just what a great guy he is.  We should worship him all the more because of his addiction. 16.  But kids, YOU should just say no to drugs.  Rush said that he is no role model.  Well, not in being a drug addict, he means.  But you should emulate his hardworking, self-made, up-from-middle-class sucesss story in every other way, of course. 17.  Although Rush also said that takes full responsibility for his problem, that just indicates the kind of stand-up, courageous guy he is.  As pundits and Dittoheads, it is our job to prove that Rush isn't fully responsible for his problem, while also showing how his own addiction is in no way at odds with the harsh anti-drug stance he has always shown on his show.  And we willingly accept this mission, because we know that Rush has always been there, in his mansion, high on the Oxycontin he made his maid procure for him, for us. 1:09:10 AM