October 19, 2003, by s.z.

"It's Red Magic: All the Fascinating Flavor Tricks You Can Work With Heinz Ketchup." Here's the executive summary of the Ketchup Cake Experiment: it's not as bad as you might think.  The recipe was easy (one bowl, no whipping of egg whites, no wrapping bacon around wieners).  The recipe seemed like actual home economists (albeit, home economists in the pay of the ketchup Mafia) thought it out, and not just crazy old Aunt Jenny.  (There was enough liquid so that the batter wasn't too thick, and there was NO GRAVY MADE FROM WORCHESTERSHIRE SAUCE AND WATER).  No trauma at all involved in preparing this one, with the exception of the unsettling orange color of the batter.  Here's the recipe, in case you want to know what I went through: Spice Nut Cake 2-1/2 cups sifted flour 1-1/4 cups sugar 1-1/2 teaspoons baking soda 1/2 teaspoon baking power 1/2 teaspoon salt 1 teaspoon nutmeat 2/3 cup shortening 2/3 cup Heinz Tomato Ketchup 2/3 cup milk 3 eggs 1/3 cup milk 1/2 cup finely chopped walnuts Grated rind of 1 lemon Heat oven to 350 degrees.  Sift first 6 ingredients into mixing bowl.  Add shortening, ketchup, and 2/3 cup milk; beat 300 strokes with spoon or 2 minutes at medium speed.  Add eggs and 1/3 cup milk; beat 2 minutes longer.  Fold in nuts and lemon rind.  Spread batter evenly in 2 greased and floured layer pans (9" by 2").  Bake 30-35 minutes.  Frost with butter cream or cream cheese frosting. And this is what it looks like when it's done: And what does it taste like?  It's nice and moist, but not brick-like (unlike, say, Pineapple Parfait cake).  It tastes kind of like applesauce cake, with a hint of nutmeg and lemon . . . and a weird, unpleasant after taste.  I attribute that to the ketchup.  But if you put enough cream cheese frosting on it, eat it quick, and then have a glass of water, it's not bad.  It's nothing you'd want to make if you had other ingredients to work with, but after the apocalypse, when all we have left is ketchup, then you could make this cake and probably be relatively happy to have it. And you could serve it to those with undiscriminating palates, or people who were around in the days when the cookbook came out, and so presumably grew up on this kind of thing.  In fact, my parents came over this evening and I gave them  slices.  They thought it was fine.  And they LIKED the idea of making cake with ketchup -- my mother said, "It's basically like carrot cake, but with the advantage that it's a lot easier to pour in some ketchup than it is to grate a bunch of carrots."  So, apparently Heinz knew what they were doing back in 1957: using the miracle of processed food to save consumers from having to use real foods in their cooking. Anyway, despite it's weird aftertaste, I have to say this experiment was the most successful one in the Regrettable Food Project so far.  I might even make it again -- if I could leave out the ketchup. Project concluded.  Lesson learned: Giant anthropomorphic tomatoes are much more trustworthy than small town busybodies with Spry fetishes.  So, next time you're having marriage problems, bypass Aunt Jenny and ask Comrade Tomato Head for advice. 10:56:40 PM     O'Reilly Declares Media Unfair Because Not Everybody Likes Him; Guesses He'll Eat Some Worms Bill O'Reilly uses his column this week (Media Bias) to denounce more people who have mortally insulted him by not properly worshipping him (while he has traditionally used "The Most Ridiculous Item of the Day" for this kind of thing, he's apparently needs a larger scope as his enemies increase in number). Bill says that until a few months ago, he thought the national media was pretty well-balanced.  But lately he has come to the shocking conclusion that it isn't.  And what was it that finally removed the scales from Bill's eyes, and demonstrated to him the elite media's slant towards the far left?  The fact that they take Al Franken's side over Bill's! But I've now learned the hard way that liberal bias is a way of life for many media organizations. Over the past few months I have been slimed, smeared, and pilloried primarily by leftists who do not approve of my commentary. I am not whining, I'm reporting. Sure, Bill,  Whatever you say.  Tell us more about your horrific treatment. In my case the attacks are very personal but also designed to advance the far-left agenda. Item: When my new book "Who's Looking Out for You?" hit number one on the New York Times bestseller list, it was described as an "attack" vehicle. In reality the book is a primer for everyday Americans on how to achieve success and stability. Well, let's look at what it covers, per the Publisher's Weekly review, which you found "very positive": The tough talking no-spin anchor of The O'Reilly Factor offers his many fans another no-holds-barred excoriation of the usual suspects - but also, surprisingly, some others. In his latest, the bestselling author (The No Spin Zone) scrutinizes the forces at play in the lives of ordinary Americans, seeking to answer the question in the title. His conclusion: not the U.S. government; not the media; not the Catholic bishops ("elderly white men who have spent their lives playing politics and currying favor with the conservative zealots in the Vatican"). Other offenders include "antipolice minority 'leaders'"; Hollywood moguls who put profit before public morality; lawyers eager to make a buck on the back of taxpayers and the justice system itself - and the list goes on. You know, even though you're just trying to help people achieve success and stablity by pointing out all the shortcomings you see in the media, the government, Catholic bishops, minority leaders, Hollywood, lawyers, etc., some people (like, say, minority leaders, Hollywood moguls, lawyers, etc.) might consider this an attack.  And you use the book to say nasty things about the Clintons, Ted Kennedy; John Kerry, Bill Moyers, etc., don't you, Bill?  So, maybe the NYT just misunderstood, and didn't realize that you only attack because you love.   Item: In the past ten years only two people have had three number one non-fiction bestsellers on the Times list: Washington Post reporter Bob Woodward and your humble correspondent. Yet somehow the Times has not gotten around to reviewing any of my books while tomes by the liberal "satirists" are given major exposure. This does appear to show bias on the part of the NYT.  Maybe it's liberal biasis, and maybe it's just literary biasis, in that they don't like your books..  Item: People Magazine assigned a man who loathes me (I know, I know it's hard to believe) to review "Who's Looking Out for You?" Newsflash - he didn't like it. Bill, why doesn't he like you?  Was it because you called him names, maybe?  You know, if you are going to personally ridicule reviewers on your show, you really can't expect them to like your books.  This isn't liberal bias, it's "How to Win Enemies and Alienate People."  And I have to say that this is the first time I heard anyone accuse People Magazine of being part of the elite media. Item: A National Public Radio interviewer insisted on reading that People Magazine review on the air during her chat with me. When I strongly suggested she read the very positive review in Publisher's Weekly magazine as well, she refused. Bill, let's tell the story truthfully, okay?  She wanted to read the portion of the review where the reviewer talks about you calling him a "pinhead" on your show because he wrote a bad review of your previous book.  She thought that this showed an unfortunate inability on your part to cope with criticism, and a propensity to try to punish those who disagree with you.  But you got up and walked out of the interview before she could read it.  I guess that showed her that you CAN TOO handle criticism gracefully. Item: Matt Lauer on The Today Show sat there smirking as one of the far-left "satirists" defamed me. When my publicist called The Today Show asking for a chance to respond, the program turned me down. Okay, Matt Lauer found Al Fraken amusing, and The Today Show thinks Al is a better guest than you.  Bias?  Sure.  But I don't know if it's liberal biasis.  Maybe it's just that they find satire more entertaining than pompous polemics.  Or maybe it's just good taste. The assault from the left is directly because of the unprecedented success of the Fox Newschannel. LOL.  Yes, everybody is saying mean things about you because they're just jealous of you and your mighty Fox News.  Just like the other kids didn't invite you to their birthday parties because they were jealous of how smart and talented and handsome you were.  You keep believing that, Bill.  My name is no longer Bill O'Reilly, it's "gasbag," "bully," "liar," and "blowhard." Those descriptions are not confined to opinion pieces but are routinely used in hard news stories as well. Really?  Let's check it out.  Using Google's news search (which covers over 4500 news sources, and goes back a month) I searched for "Bill O'Reilly" and "gasbag."  I got just one hit (other than direct quotes from Al Franken, which were always sourced as such): in Newsweek's entertainment section, in an intro to an interview with Rapper Ludacris: Ludacris sold 7 million albums, starred in “2 Fast, 2 Furious” and was Pepsi’s spokesman until conservative gasbag Bill O’Reilly complained the rapper was too lewd to shill the all-American beverage, and the company dropped him The search for "Bill O'Reilly" and "bully" also turned up only one hit (other than Al Franken quotes): a personal essay in the Chicago Sun-Time about the Book Festival, and about hearing Al Franken speak: (I never tire of hearing the story of his confrontation with that bully Bill O'Reilly.) And a search for "Bill O'Reilly" and "blowhard" revealed only hit: also theChicago Sun Times, in a music review covering Ludacris's new CD: Sure, Ludacris plays the bling card, but his enthusiasm is so shamelessly infectious that it's hard to take any of it too seriously (except, of course, for the frequent shots at Fox News Channel blowhard Bill O'Reilly, with whom Ludacris feuded earlier this year). Oh, and then there was this: Nevertheless, like an increasing number of Americans, I'll take the quasi-conservative blowhard O'Reilly over the moribund leftist cadavers at CNN, despite his purple pen. But that's from a disparaging review of Franken's book, at World Net Daily -- so hardly elite OR media.  So, after learning that these descriptions were NOT used routinely, and were NOT used in hard news stories, I didn't bother to look for "Bill O'Reilly" and "liar."  But then, Bill considered Janet Maslin's review of Al's book "character assasination" against him, so I guess he's just a little, um, extra-sensitive about the media talking to his enemies.   Bill, you have to accept that not everybody is going to like you (especially since you don't put forth any effort to be likeable).  And it doesn't help your cause when you keep getting into feuds with satirists and rappers and other people who are more likeable and better with words than you are.  And not everybody is going to agree with you -- the real world isn't like your show, where you can shout down or de-mike anybody whose opinions you don't like.  The fact that some people don't like you, and some people don't agree with you  isn't evidence of "liberal bias."  Just like the fact that many media outlets make fun of William Shatner's "singing" isn't evidence of anti-Canadian bias.   Dude, accept it: it's JUST YOU.  But life goes on, okay?  If you can't handle a little rejection, show biz isn't the right place for you.  And some therapy wouldn't hurt either.  This isn't an attack -- I'm just trying to help you achieve success and stability. 5:30:12 AM