December 16, 2003 by s.z.

The Magic Ends Too Soon We wrap up our Saddam Day (the most magical day of the year) coverage with a couple of words from Andrew Sullivan: I'M STILL REELING: We will all have our own memories of yesterday... Yes.  Yes, we will.  That's usually how it works.  (Unless we buy our memories from a Philip K. Dick novella or something.)  But OUR memories won't be as grand and brilliant and cool as Andrew's, for we didn't broaden the possibilities of liberty and restrain violent men and evil ideologies, like Andrew and his bestest buddy George Bush did.  But I'm sure that Andrew will let us share HIS memories over the course of the coming weeks and years, assuming he can ever take time away from his grueling schedule of cutting and pasting to write them down.  For even if he can give us just 25 original words a day, in the course of a year, that's, like, a zillion words, and well worth a donation of $50!  Or something like that.  Go read Sadly, No! for the truth.  I'm bitter 'cause I didn't get no Pornographic Stick Figure Captioning prize.  7:42:14 AM

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Society Beat: Saddam Edition While December 14, 2002 will be a Day Which Will Live in Ickiness for those on the right (or so says Rush Limbaugh, et. al.), it was a combination High Holy Day and Mardi Gras for the right.  Let's hear how Al D'Amato celebrated, per the NY Daily News: Positive Saddam fallout?: Former New York Sen. Alfonse D'Amato, 66, finally popped the question on Saturday to his longtime girlfriend, lawyer Katuria Smith, who's 38. The venue was a surprise birthday party for Smith at the Bridgeview Restaurant in D'Amato's hometown of Island Park, L.I. The real surprise was a diamond engagement ring atop the birthday cake. "She's a great young woman," an exuberant D'Amato told me yesterday. "My mom and pop love her."What about that age difference? "Love conquers all! How's that, baby?" D'Amato replied. "She captured me on the day that we captured Saddam Hussein!" Al too was found in a spider-hole, and checked for lice and other vermin before being taken away for DNA testing. From the same source we bring you The Most Ridiculous Item of Tomorrow: Ratty insult?: Everything was going so nicely at New York magazine's New York Awards lunch yesterday, and then Tina Fey got up at the Four Seasons restaurant to introduce honoree Al Franken. Fey, "Saturday Night Live" head writer and "Weekend Update" co-anchor, noted that "most of us see Bill O'Reilly or Ann Coulter on television and just kind of say, 'Eww! Gross!' and change the channel. Have you seen Ann Coulter in person? It's like when you see a rat." The audience in the Pool Room, including fellow awardees Caroline Kennedy, Tim Robbins and Kevin Kline, howled with laughter. A Fox News Channel rep for O'Reilly declined to comment and conservative pundit Coulter didn't respond to an E-mail. Well, expect Ann to remark that the only problem with serial bomber Eric Robert Rudolph is that he didn't blow up the "Saturday Night Live" studio (preferably while Al Sharpton was doing the show).  Bill will just have the daydream where he's Clint Eastwood (smoking a cigar, wearing a shawl), and Tina is Lee Van Cleef, and Bill shoot her right between the head, and then he doesn't invite her to his birthday party, causing her to break down in tears and beg for forgiveness.  And after that fantasy, Bill segues into the one where he tortures Saddam into telling where the weapons of mass destruction are, and then is able to trust the Bush Administration again with his head held high. 7:30:55 AM

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The Worst Day of Our Lives And what could Rush "I take Full Responsibility for My Actions, But the Bank Made Me Launder Money" Limbaugh have to say about Saddam's capture?  Well, mostly a lot of crap: Rush RUSH: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to clear something up here. Many of you may have heard a rumor over the weekend that Saddam Hussein had been found in a hole near Tikrit. It is true, the EIB Network can confirm for you today that these rumors that you've been hearing in the mainstream press are in fact true. It is absolutely incredible, he's been living like the Unabomber, he looks like the Unabomber, he looks like somebody that would endorse Howard Dean. It's just incredible. And we just finished a press conference with the president, thanks to the president for wrapping it up two minutes before the program began. Do not think that that's an accident, ladies and gentlemen, do not think that's a coincidence, the president starts a press conference at 11:15 and ends it at 12:04 and you think, wow, how lucky we all are? No, my friends, no luck here.  Grandiosity: one of the symptoms of the abuse of a certain class of drugs (along with "euphoria, incoherent thoughts, hostility, disorientation, hallucinations, and suicidal thoughts").  Just FYI. Now, back to Rush, explaining how he's not gloating because Saddam's capture ruined the lives of everyone on the left: Folks, can you imagine, poor old Gore, last week he comes out - is this guy's timing just not exquisite, guy comes out last week and endorses Howard Dean, the whole reason he endorses Howard Dean is because our Iraq policy is stupid, our Iraq policy is failing and the only guy out there who's making sense about it is Howard Dean and less than a week later we got the news. Gore hasn't been heard from, he hasn't been seen. He probably moved into the hole that Saddam vacated. This stuff can't get any better and I'm going to share with you as the program unfolds today - we've had several spies, ladies and gentlemen, logging on to various Democrat websites and chat rooms. You will not believe what's being said. This is the worst day of their lives. I'm not gloating. This is a gloat-free zone. We're not gloating here. We're not lauding anything, we are sharing joy. Do not confuse sharing joy with gloating. We're not gloating. We're simply doing in-depth political analysis here, ladies and gentlemen. Of course you're not gloating, Rush.  That would mean that you abandoned all that good stuff you learned in rehab (just because the crowds just didn't find it appealing), and were back to your old ways and old vices.  So, let's look at some of that in-depth political analysis: Angry White Liberals (also titled "Average Democrats Spew Hatred on Kook Websites," per Rush's home page)  (But first -- you know how Rod Dreher said he was "surfing the blogosphere for hours now, gathering commentary for publication in a Saddam-capture blog roundup for my newspaper"?  Could it be that his "newspaper" is RUSH?) Okay, now the in-depth analysis: A few months ago, after laughably claiming that they don't own the mainstream media and accepting that no one wanted to listen to liberals on the radio, the Democrats came up with the delusion that the Internet would be their answer. Well, I have since taken to trolling on websites like DemocratUnderground.com, Democrats.org and Buzzflash.com to see what the un-elected party kooks are saying. It's almost like a parody written by comedy writers - but it's not. [snip] Here's a blog from Democrats.org which attempts to explain "Why do the lower income folks support Republicans?" by citing "the average Joe Six-Pack" as an uneducated, racist, miserable, drug-addled, drunk-driving Wal-Mart employee who hates life and - get this - is perpetually angry! "With so many groups to blame, it's hard to pin it all down, but as right-wing radio tells him, that all his anger can be conflated into a general disdain for liberals. They're a catch-all group for everything that's wrong in America." Lance Collins. That concludes Rush's analysis of that item.  (Well, if you listen to the audio file, Rush does admit that he found the post at Beast, er, Best of the Web  -- so his spy didn't have to actually get dirty by GOING to a liberal site.  And Rush does actually read the post.  So, EXTREME in-depth analysis.)  Our own shallow analysis indicates that Lance didn't say anything about "Joe Six-Pack" being "drug-addled."  Instead, Lance mentioned that "Joe" has had "numerous jobs because of lack of education, unreliability, failed drug tests, missing work, etc."   I guess this struck a little too close to home for Rush, because he too has failed drug tests, and there's nothing wrong with that!  And when Lance mentions Joe's lack of education and unspectacular job history, why, it's Rush's life story, and the reason why HE turned to right-wing talk radio (and made it his career).  Except that it's really not, because Rush has never been "drug-addled."  Stupid liberal! Anyway, Rush discusses three or four more extreme and/or wacky reader comments from "Buzz Flash" and "DemocratUnderground" (while a bit extreme and a tad wacky, these comments are NOTHING like the horrors to be found at Free Republic or Lucianne.com).  Rush's conclusion?  "Anything good for America is bad for Democrats."  So, thanks, Rush.  And best of luck regarding that next stint in rehab. 6:13:07 AM

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Lies, Damned Lies, and Sean Hannity Now, let's check in with Hannity and Nonentity.  Why, it seems that Sean is asking Al D'Amato and Geraldine Ferraro how the Democratic candidates can be stupid enough to stay in the race, now that 59% of Americans say that we should have gone to war with Iraq.  (Well, it's actually it was 62% on Sunday -- that 3% increase is the big news which Sean is trying to exploit; but we should give him a break, because he was born too early for for Bush's "No Sean Left Behind" program, which would ensure that all Fox hosts learn reading and math.) Anyway, while that Gallup poll also found that Saddam's capture "had virtually no effect on the public's perceptions about the Iraqi war or whether Bush deserved re-election," and  "'does not look like a seismic event, despite the banner headlines,'" per Frank Newport, head of the Gallup Poll, let's see what Sean has to say.  Take it away, Sean SEAN HANNITY, CO-HOST: We get right to our top story about the news and the political news of the week with our guests, former New York Senator Al D'Amato, former vice presidential nominee Geraldine Ferraro. Good to see you both. Thanks for being here. Happy holidays. Happy holidays to everybody. After months of bashing the president by your party on the issue of the war, things have -- the bleeding has stopped. Public opinion has turned around. Fifty-nine percent of Americans now this week in a Gallup poll say that, all in all, do you think the situation in Iraq was worth going to war over or not? Fifty-nine percent of Americans get it, that we had to do it. They support the president. It was the right thing to do. GERALDINE FERRARO, FORMER VICE PRESIDENTIAL NOMINEE: Well, I have to tell you, if we were going to win based upon things going miserably in Iraq, I don't think that that's a criteria for any election. But I have to tell you, though, people might have said that doing -- that they were behind -- that doing the Iraq war was a good thing and what was accomplished was good. I think the follow-up question is, what do you think about how we're now maintaining the peace? HANNITY: You're starting your polling --- You're starting your own polling company? Jane, you miserable slut.  We're just here to talk about that one poll question that Sean wants to talk about, even if it's meaningless and he got it wrong anyway.  And don't you forget it!   And who cares what Geraldine has to say anyway.  Let's just talk to Al from now on, and hear what he has to say about peace through war: HANNITY: And with the economy showing unprecedented growth for the best growth we've seen in 20 years. And now this poll on Iraq, the Republicans -- how do the Democrats make the case that we need, to quote one candidate, regime change in America? D'AMATO: Well, they're going to point to Iraq and they're going to say look how much it's cost us. They're going to say that we've lost our influence worldwide, that some of our traditional allies, the French, the Germans, et cetera, have broken with us.  And they're going to -- as Geraldine has indicated, that there are three million fewer jobs. The job picture is going to change. The stability in Iraq is going to be difficult to achieve, because every terrorist group throughout the world is flocking to Iraq, and the Republicans are going to say better to take them on there, and remember the Cole and remember the World Trade Center and remember a country that was afraid to take on the totalitarian regimes  . . .FERRARO:  I mean, the economy, thank God, is moving. And people are now going to hopefully get back to work.  But the issue, there are several issues that I can't let go by without making a comment about what Senator D'Amato said.   For one thing, one of the wonderful things that we now have is instead of the huge budget surpluses that President Clinton left us with, we now have these huge deficits that we're going to be facing into the future.  And I have to tell you as a grandmother, I worry about the fact that my grandchildren are going to be paying for all the spending, including military spending, that has gone on and the tax cuts that have come through.  Now that's No. 1. But let me also say something else. I have never heard anybody until tonight say that one of the reasons that we're in Iraq -- and it seems to me that that's what you're saying -- is that this would be a perfect center to get all the terrorists in there. That isn't why we went there.  . . .D'AMATO: I do make the point that it has now become that battleground against terrorism throughout the world. That may not have been our initial reason for going in. FERRARO: We're still the only ones fighting that battle. D'AMATO: And let me tell you something. Those allies who failed to join us will regret it. They're making a mistake. Better to take them on now, beat Al Qaeda, beat the other, the Fedayeen, the other terrorists. And I'd rather take them on there than here. COLMES: Senator, I've got to ask you a question. How can you say we've liberated 50 million people in Iraq when, at the same time, you're saying Iraq is now the center of terrorism? Terrorists have gone there. American soldiers are dying every day.  How can you say that at the same time?  Hey, good for you, Alan!  And I think the Republicans could use Al's point as a slogan in the upcoming election: "Vote for George.  He invited the terrorists to Iraq so they wouldn't come to YOUR house."  And actually, Geraldine is sounding pretty good too.  I vote that she get all of Lieberman's money and supporters! 4:07:07 AM

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Burn the Not-Ecstatic-Enough Witch! Well, all of our favorite talking heads (or yelling head, in the case of Bill O'Reilly; or talking-out-of-his-butt, in the case of Rush Limbaugh) were back to work after a momentous weekend.  Let's check in with them and see what they had to say. First, here's Bill, looking out for the nation with his famous Talking Points Memo; lets skip to the last part, where he disposes of the problem of what to do with Saddam, and then gives us a preview of what St. Peter will be asking at the Pearly Gates:  It is vital Saddam tell the truth about those questions and every measure, every measure should be taken to ensure that he does.  After he tells U.S. intelligence what he knows, Saddam should be returned to Iraq to be tried for crimes against humanity.  Let them deal with him.  If they cannot or will not, then send him to the world court in The Hague.   I suspect Saddam will cut a deal: no execution in return for full disclosure.  I would make that deal.  The important thing is this guy never tastes freedom again.  Killing him should not be such a great priority for the USA.  If the Iraqis want to kill them, that's their deal.  Finally, Talking Points asks all Americans to be honest with themselves.  Are you happy today?  Are you glad Saddam has been caught and America has achieved another great victory?  If not, that says a lot about you. Um, doesn't it sound like Bill is advocating torture in the first pagraph?  Gee, I can hardly wait for Ann Coulter to weigh in with the wacko-extremist view. And in the second paragraph, Bill is flat-out saying that the U.S. should offer Saddam a deal (no death penalty in exchange for full disclosure), and then tell him, "Well, WE won't kill you, but you committed crimes in another jurisdiction, and you don't have a deal with them.  Hope they hang you, sucker!"  Just like on that "Law and Order" ep.  Saddam had better hire Shambala Green ASAP! And as for Bill's question for measuring worth your your soul: well, I was glad that Saddam was caught, but undoubtedly not glad enough to suit Bill (since I still won't be voting for Bush come 2004).   And I don't consider Saddam's capture "another great victory" for America (Come on -- it's not like we took Normandy Beach today!)  So, I guess this means that I'm going to hell.  Oh, well, at least I'll have some non-human pod people from outer space to keep me company. 2:39:12 AM