December 4, 2003 by s.z.

For a good time, check out Pandagon's List of the "20 Most Annoying Conservatives."  Most of our favorites made the list, including Ann, Bill, Rush, brother David, Bob N., and Jonah.  And it's really, really funny. We think that with a little more work, next year K.Lo, Derb, Michelle Malkin, and Kathleen Parker have a shot at earning this prestigious award.  8:11:28 PM

My Lawyer Said to Tell You That it Was the BANK Who Told Me to Go Doctor Shopping Rush Limbaugh, reading a Statement prepared by his lawyer Roy Black (the guy who defended William Kennedy Smith and Marv Albert): "We have been informed that this afternoon the Palm Beach State Attorney's Office will announce that it has seized the medical records of four doctors who treated Rush Limbaugh for serious medical conditions and the pain resulting from them. "In fact, what these records show is that Mr. Limbaugh suffered extreme pain and had legitimate reasons for taking pain medication. Unfortunately, because of Mr. Limbaugh's prominence and well-known political opinions, he is being subjected to an invasion of privacy no citizen of this republic should endure. "Let us make our position clear: Rush Limbaugh is not part of a drug ring. He was never a target of a drug investigation. He became addicted to a prescription drug during legitimate medical treatment. He has publicly admitted this problem and has successfully sought treatment which continues today. "We won't speculate on why the State Attorney's Office is handling Mr. Limbaugh's case the way it is. But what should be a responsible investigation is looking more and more like a fishing expedition."   Translation: "Since later today the Palm Beach State Attorney's office is going to announce that it seized the medical records of four doctors whom Rush sought drugs from, we are going to be forthcoming and tell you about it first.  Keep in mind that these doctors treated Rush for serious medical conditions and the PAIN resulting from them.  The records will show that Rush had a legitimate need for these drugs; after all, many people get overlapping prescriptions for Oxycontin, Lorcet, Norco, hydrocodone, Kadian, Xanax, and other medications during a five-month period.  Many people also see four different doctors for the same condition, and fail to tell each doctor that they are seeing the other physicians so they can get drugs from each of them.  "Let us make our position clear: Rush is not part of a drug ring, he just laundered money to buy drugs, and had his housekeeper purchase large quanities of drugs from legitimate illegal street drug dealers.  He was never the target of a drug investigation, he's just INVOLVED in a criminal investigation of a prescription drug ring.  He became addicted to a prescription pain-killer while undergoing legitimate medical treatment, during which he discovered how good the drugs made him feel about the sad sham his life had become.  He publically admitted his drug addiction, after being outed in the National Enquirer, and has sought treatment at a facility for the rich and highly intelligent.  "We won't speculate on why the State Attorney's Office is handling Rush's case this way, but we will mention Rush's prominence and well-known political opinions, and will imply that the State Attorney is trying to crucify Rush because he is a FAMOUS CONSERVATIVE.  No citizen of this republic should have his privacy invaded this way, except the ones whom Rush made fun of on his radio show.  "What should be a responsible investigation is looking like a fishing expedition, in that the State Attorney's Office keeps finding evidence that makes Rush look bad.  It should stop this blatant partisan persecution of a FAMOUS CONSERVATIVE right now." 8:06:52 PM

An Update The White House once again changed its account of a widely reported encounter between Air Force One and a British Airways jetliner during President Bush's secret trip to Baghdad last week. It was first stated that a British Airways pilot had spotted the President's plane in the air, and had radioed its pilot, asking what the story was, and then was very impressed and supportive when he found out it really was Air Force One. But British Airways said that checked, and none of their planes talked to Air Force One, like the WH communications director said. Yesterday, the White House said the conversation was between the British Airways pilot and the London control tower, and had just been overheard on Air Force One.  And it still showed that the Brits thought that George Bush was "the man" for risking his life to serve his men in Iraq some turkey.  But British Airways indicated to Associated Press that none of its pilots had made or overheard such an exchange with the control tower. Today White House spokesmodel Scott McClellan announced that actually, the exchange had been between Tony Blair and George Bush himself, and had been conducted via the special telepathic bond that the two men share (as depicted in the movie The Corsican Brothers).  Tony had looked up at the sky just then, thought, "Hey, that looks like Air Force One!"  And Bush had thought back at him, "Yes, it's me, Tony!  But don't say anything, or my people will make me go back home, 'cause this is really dangerous and stuff."  And Tony thought, "You are my hero, George.  I want to be just like you when I grow up. God speed, my friend!"  Scott indicated that this exchange demonstrated the special relationship between the United Kingdom and the USA.  He added that the White House had tried to conceal some of the details previously due to "security reasons," and made the reporters at the press conference promise not to tell Saddam Hussein about the President's super powers. (Thanks to Sadly, No! for inspiring this item.) 6:00:57 AM

Ann Coulter Blogs! And Pundits! Wow, now that TBOGG found her a mate, Ann has come through with that blog which was announced some six months ago.  Well, it's not CoulterGeist (TM), or hosted by Human Events Online.  But it IS a blog.  Of sorts. In today's entry, Ann copies an entire NYT article just so she can mention that Jimmy Carter said "final solution."  Yes, Ann is like the 452nd person in the blog world to point this out (and to ask, "What would people say if BUSH had said this?"), but she's new and I guess we should cut her some slack.  And since she's a novice, I suppose she can be forgiven for not knowing about linking, or about intellectual property rights, copyright law, and "fair use" restrictions.  Wait, she's purportedly a lawyer!  Okay, then somebody should alert the NY Times to the fact that Ann is stealing their material. And that concludes our report on Ann Coulter, Blogger. However, Ann also has a new column out today.  It's about how hot she is for Ben Shapiro, and how he's welcome in HER Orthodox Synagogue anytime too! Well, not really.  Sorry, Ben.  It's actually about evil judges.  Here's a complete paragraph-by paragraph summary: Supreme Court Opinions Not Private Enough Contrary to popular opinion, not that many abortion doctors have been murdered by anti-abortion activists -- and it's a real shame. The Constitution never mentions the word "abortions," so they can't be constitutional! How come the right to "privacy" won't protect Ann's right to manufacture methamphetamines? The entire courtroom laughed at the right-to-choose lawyer, so he never should have won that case -- because court spectators have a better grasp of the law than judges do. Even though the entire nation was "shocked" by the Roe Vs. Wade ruling, nobody burned down the Supreme Court building -- although they should have. Instead, opponents waited for 20 long years for conservative presidents to stack the Supreme Court. But Roe Vs Wade was upheld, all thanks to that bitch Sandra Day O'Connor, that shyster Anthony Kennedy, and the enigmatic (and possibly robotic) David Souter.  Eight months later, the first abortion doctor was murdered.  It was the fault of these judges--if only they had ruled the way Reagan wanted them to, nobody would have been forced to kill the doctor. And the conservatives went back to wait for another conservative President to stack the courts again.  Only to be foiled by the evil Democrats, who even blocked Miguel Estrada, an immigrant from Honduras!  (Those bastards!) Having literally gotten away with murder for a quarter century, the court is getting wilder and wilder, deferring to "international law" and issuing nutty pronouncements more appropriate to a NAMBLA newsletter  In the past few years, federal courts have proclaimed a right to sodomy (not in the Constitution), a right to partial-birth abortion (not in the Constitution), a right not to have a Democratic governor recalled (not in the Constitution), a right not to gaze upon the Ten Commandments in an Alabama courthouse (not in the Constitution), a ban on the words "under God" in the Pledge of Allegiance (not in the Constitution), and a ban on voluntary student prayers at high-school football games (not in the Constitution). These "rights" are all bogus, because Ann relies on a very strict interpretation of the Constitution: to whit, you only have a right to life as it existed in 1777. It's stupid for conservatives to try to pass a "no gay marriage" amendment, since the Supremes have already shown that they won't play by the Constitution we have. Liberals cheat, in that in exchange for not murdering the man who raped your daughter, you are supposed to get a ban on gay marriages -- and now they're taking that back! Only in a "weird parallel universe" would Americans actually vote to protect the rights of those holding minority views.  Therefore, judges are undemocratic. What if the Supreme Court finds a constitutional right to cannibalism? How about fascism? Does the nation respond by passing a constitutional amendment clearly articulating that there is no right to cannibalism or fascism in the Constitution?   Let's pretend that they already did find a right to cannibalism, so we can take action and get rid of them before the "no gay marriage" amendment comes before them.  Maybe the conservative president and the conservative congress should just disband the Supreme Court or something.  That would sure be sweet, wouldn't it? But even if we can't do that, we sure don't have to listen to judges from stinking Massachusetts. After all, Ms. Marshall, the MA Chief Justice is an immigrant (it's BAD when their judges are immigrants, but GOOD when our judges are).   AND she's married to a NY Times columnist (and therefore, a Commie), who obviously got her job through the Vast NYT Secular Conspiracy. And while Marshall would rather be married to another woman than to a NYT columnist, why should the rest of us have to suffer? Ms. Marshall has as much right to proclaim a right to gay marriage from the Massachusetts Supreme Court as I do to proclaim it from my column. The Massachusetts legislature ought to ignore the court's frivolous ruling – and cut the justices' salaries if they try it again.   The End. Or, we should just kill all the lawyers, as Ann has been itching to do all throughout the column.  Well, we shouldn't kill HER, of course, since she didn't actually learn anything in law school -- but we should kill all those other lawyers who go along with that "case law" and "living document" crap.  You know, the lawyers who actually know stuff. And I do think the Massachusetts legislature should take Ann's advice and ignore her column --  and cut her salary if she writes anything this stupid again. 4:14:11 AM

Two Minute Town Hall Or Clown Hall, as Roger Ailes so memorably calls it. Not as good as yesterday's.  They need to breed Michelle Malkin with Brent Bozell to create a new race of conservative pundits who will never fail to amuse me with their stupidity. Larry Elder Pretty much what the title says it is: Michael Jackson and the Race Card.  Which Michael should be banned from playing, now that he's "whiter than an Idaho picket fence."  (BTW, in Idaho, they don't make their fences out of pickets, white or otherwise.)  Jesse Jackson, not having enough in his "In" box, also weighed in. "It seems that the excessive zealotry has almost taken away the focus of how serious this situation is," said Jesse. "Michael has been condemned without a trial." Excessive zealotry? Did Jesse also chastise the media for their "excessive zealotry" in the case of Martha Stewart, Scott Peterson, Robert Blake or Kennedy cousin Michael Skakel?   Thomas Sowell There is no "national crisis" regarding a lack of affordable housing.  There's plenty of cheap housing in Texas, for example.  And there is actually lots of vacant land available for building in California -- it's just kept vacant by law, since it's in national parks and such.  Instead of whining about a lack of affordable housing, people should just live in Texas and commute to Silicon Valley, or should build condos in Yosemite. It is precisely in the places that have been most dominated by liberals for the longest times that housing costs and other costs of living have been driven up to levels that force many people out of town and even out of state. New York and California are losing more of their native-born populations than any other states and only influxes of immigrants help conceal that fact in gross statistics.  And these immigrants don't need affordable housing -- well, they do, but if we'd just let them sell their organs, they'd be able to pay for outrageously expensive housing without federal assistance.  George Will The story of the woman trampled by the Wal-Mart bargain shoppers reveals a profound truth about . . .something.   Anyway, George mentions P.G. Wodehouse, Saturnalia, Cromwell, and Enron, so presumably he had a point in there somewhere. Perhaps, as liberals like to say, the "root cause" of modern Christmas discontents is the ruinous success of Puritanism -- ruinous, that is, to Puritanism.  Robert Novak Bob still isn't over that Reagans movie.  The fact that the Hollywood liberals treat "beloved conservative icons" this way reflects "the party's overall mood of emotional contempt for President Bush."  Favorable newspaper reviews this week were written by critics who measured only the film's production values and were insensitive to the personal assault on a political leader revered in this country.  See, the extent to which movies hurt the feelings of revered political leaders should be the main factor considered by all reviewers. Suzanne Fields Suzanne read that NY Times article I posted about on Saturday (the one about how many singles are giving up on the "Dating Industrial Complex" and just living their lives).  From it she it deduces that women are really bummed out about not having manly men to call their own, and women's lib is to blame. It's not very hip to consider the plight of single women who yearn for something so old-fashioned as men, all male and very virile. The plight of homosexual men and women who can't get a marriage license will no doubt occupy us through next year's elections and beyond.  [snip] Women of a certain age without mates decry as loud as ever the pickings as poor and sad, and most of them blame the iron law of unintended consequences, applied to women's liberation.  Well, we women of a certain age actually blame gay marriage for our plight.  That, and the fact that all the really virile, studly men of a certain age are busy blogging about how they'd love to go to Iraq and kill infidels -- but they're, you know, too busy with the blogging to actually fight.  Or to mate with actual women. Marvin Olasky Marvin asks "How will liberty be preserved when many liberals favor socialistic approaches and some small but ardent religious groups demand theocratic approaches of various kinds?"  The answer: group sex!  Oh, and all the small, ardent religious groups should band together and smite the Commie liberals who want to keep church and state separate.  Christianity (in terms of more than nominal identification) is a minority religion in America, a faction powerless to dominate others. That realization should free non-Christians from fear of religious domination, and it should push Christians to work alongside other groups that also oppose the truly aggressive force of our age, secular liberalism.   Author-theologian Francis Schaeffer emphasized the importance of falling neither into separatism nor into easy alliance. Instead, he urged Christians to think through co-belligerency, working in coalition with other groups against a common enemy, while retaining independence. Sometimes we may find strange bedfellows.  Mike Adams Mike wishes to make a personal announcement: While I was doing my research something strange happened. I guess you could say I had an epiphany. After all these years of thinking I was just a white male heterosexual Protestant Republican, I realized I was wrong. I'm really a lesbian trapped inside a man's body.  [snip] So now you know my secret. If the university tries to fire me for my conservative views, I will reveal my Lesbian In a Man's Body Orientation (LIMBO). Then I will argue that my conservative views are caused by my gender identity confusion.  Well, I knew his views were caused by some kind of psychological disconnect, but I never dreamed he'd be so frank about it.  Of course, no university would fire him for his conservative views, so he didn't need to out himself in an attempt to play the "LIMBO" card -- but I believe they could terminate him for stupidity.  This column won't help in THAT battle, Mike. And that concludes today's Town Hall Roundup.  No Clowns were harmed in the making of this recap. 2:38:39 AM