January 21, 2004 by s.z.

Give Us This Day Our Daily TownHall It's Wednesday, when the supermarkets announce their specials, and TownHall brings out its best pundits.  I wonder if the two are connected. Michelle Malkin Michelle is super pissed because Gwyneth Paltrow dissed "super-patriotic" Americans. Gwyneth Paltrow, the fashionable blond actress who once chopped off her hair to look exactly like ex-boyfriend Brad Pitt and who showed up at the Oscars a few years ago in a transparent Goth-meets-Heidi costume, has some nerve calling anybody "weird."  Yet, there she was in the pages of Britain’s Glamour magazine last week, declaring that America is "too weird." Now, if Gwynnie had been referring to the bizarre spectacles of Michael Jackson gyrating atop his SUV, Britney Spears stumbling down the wedding aisle, and Howard Dean going ape-wild in Iowa, she might have had a point. But that’s not who she had in mind.  No, she had people like MICHELLE in mind.  And how DARE Gwynnie imply that Michelle is weirder than Howard Dean, just because Michelle thinks that the Fox News blondes are good roles models for girls, and that most illegal aliens are terrorists. How utterly scary that there are so many of us unenlightened heathens who actually believe the words of the U.S. Constitution (as opposed to Norman Lear and the ACLU’s talking points). Yeah, because the U.S. Constitution says its okay for people to say "We're number one, and the rest of the world doesn't matter."  But only only the Norman Lear version permits actors to say they think those other people are weird. Mike Adams Soon Mike will have his College Republican club back, and then he will RULE THE WORLD.  As ruler, he will make speakers like Ann Coulter lower their college speaking fees from $20,000 to $5000, so they'll be three times cheaper than Mollie Ivins, although only 1/16th as pretty.  No word yet on what Ann thinks of all this. Take a moment to imagine what it will be like when we implement this new strategy. Every time a tax-and-spend liberal (like Molly Ivins or RFK, Jr.) hits up your local university for a $15,000+ plug for the DNC, the university will have to fund three different conservative speakers offering a contrary point of view. What better way to celebrate diversity? Yes, because a triple scoop of Ann is about as diverse as you can get. Brent Bozell As Ezra at Pandagon points out, in his TownHall piece of yesterday Dennis Prager claimed that the fate of civilization depends on John Kerry not using  the f-word.  But Brent also feels that the F-word has the ability to sink civilization, and he says that we must also wash out Hollywood's mouth, because Bono used the foulest of the foul words and we didn't fine him or kill him or anything. The health of our culture depends on the strength and the passion of the resistance to Hollywood's culture-rotting reflexes. Hollywood's a spoiled child. It needs a severe scolding. Give this industry an inch of the notion that free speech protects cursing over the public airwaves, and they will take a mile. On the other hand, give this child a good mouthful of soap, and the potty language will stop.  Thomas Sowell Thomas recounts the lessons of Iowa, which are that Dean is immature, Kerry only has an AIR of dignity, and Judge Pickering sent his kids to an integrated school, so he COULDN'T be a bigot. But, for those who see politics as being about the fate of this country, rather than the careers of candidates, the story out of Iowa is much more sobering. How did Howard Dean become the early front-runner in the first place? And what does that say about the current attitudes and future prospects of America?  And even more important, what does it say about the free market and kidney sales? Ben Shapiro Ben beats up Howard Dean for being a "lily-white guy from a lily-white state."  Takes one to know one, Ben. Dean wants to be the real-life Bulworth -- a man who can be, as Halle Berry so tastefully puts it, "my nigga."  And Ben wants to be Pippin in The Return of the King.  Can we deny either man his dream? Oh, and check out Sadly, No!'s demonstration proving that Ben really can't read minds, even though he tries really, really hard and pretends that he's Spock doing a mindmeld.  Plus, bonus Nedra! Jonah Goldberg Jonah explains what "Jump the Shark" means.  Increasingly Jonah reminds me of Ted Olsen (the Police Squad! one, not the Solicitor General).  Allow me to demonstrate:   Olsen: [Attempting to hold a cat underwater]  "So you see Katie, fish have gills to extract oxygen from water. But air breathing species have lungs which are equipped only to accept oxygen in it's natural state. And that's why most mammals must live on land."  And next week Olsen will explain to Katie why women can't play professional football. Dean has spent the better part of a year running as the candidate of rage. With his bulging neck and slightly mirrored eyes, he looks like the Hulk in that interim stage in between man and monster, you know right before he rips his clothes and turns green.  Kathleen Parker Kathleen discusses the "new science of sex selection" and decides that people should just shut up and be happy with whatever they get, because if we want something and then don't get it, we aren't ready to be parents.  And besides, life without surprises and unplanned pregnancies, would be boring.  So just get out there and have sex! In every case, I suspect, a degree of narcissism creeps into the romantic equation that results in our little darlings. Father wants a son just like Dad; Mother wants a daughter just like Mom. Me? I just want someone who'll visit me in the nursing home.  Fat chance, sister! Walter e. Williams To improve black education, we don't need more teachers, smaller class sizes, or even electricity, because  the students at Dunbar High School, a black public school in 1899, did just fine!  The cruelest hoax of it all is the fraud perpetrated on black students and their parents. This was forcefully brought home to me over the holidays in a conversation with an in-law who boasted about how his son, a senior, was on his school's honor roll at one of Philadelphia's inner-city high schools. While it was not thrilling, honesty compelled me to inform him that the average black high school graduate has an academic achievement level on par with that of an average white seventh-grader. His son's A's and B's would probably translate into C's, D's and F's at most other high schools.   And honesty compels me to ask: Walter, did you just make up those stats to put down your bragging in-law? Bill Murchison The Democratic candidates just aren't SERIOUS (meaning Republican)enough. The notion of Dean as leader of the free world is like unto the notion of Michael Jackson as pope.  And the notion of Bush as leader of the free world is like unto the notion of Greg Marmalard from Animal House as leader of the free world, but Bush won fair and square... hey, no he didn't!  Damned preppies! So, TownHall.  Not just for breakfast anymore. 5:49:37 AM

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State of the Union Stuff We Didn't Predict While the speech pretty much followed our stolen outline, there were a few surprises.  These are my favorites: *Already, the Kay report identified dozens of weapons of mass destruction-related program activities and significant amounts of equipment that Iraq concealed from the United Nations.  Had we failed to act, the dictator's weapons of mass destruction programs would continue to this day. So, while we may have failed to find any WMDs in Iraq, we did locate hidden stuff which sorta looks like it could be used for weapons, if you squint.  Had we failed to act, those menacing rusty tubes, that vial from the scientist's fridge, the drawings of missiles, and the other junk would have continue to exist to this very day! *So tonight I propose a series of measures called Jobs for the 21st Century. This program will provide extra help to middle- and high-school students who fall behind in reading and math, expand Advanced Placement programs in low-income schools, invite math and science professionals from the private sector to teach part-time in our high schools. I propose larger Pell Grants for students who prepare for college with demanding courses in high school. (APPLAUSE) I propose increasing our support for America's fine community colleges, so they can. . . . (APPLAUSE) I do so so they can train workers for industries that are creating the most new jobs. And what industries have created the most new jobs in the past few months?  Yes, the service industries.  So, we should send our young people to Community College to learn how to be nursing home attendants or Walmart clerks, and then they will get jobs.  Sure, they will get low paying jobs, but the President never promised you a 21st Century Rose Garden. *Unless you act, the death tax will eventually come back to life.   Seeking BRAINS! *The use of performance-enhancing drugs like steroids in baseball, football and other sports is dangerous and it sends the wrong message: that there are shortcuts to accomplishment and that performance is more important than character. So tonight I call on team owners, union representatives, coaches and players ...and Governors...                    to take the lead, to send the right signal, to get tough and to get rid of steroids now.   Because steroid abuse is one our country's most pressing problems.  Won't somebody PLEASE think of the children? *Each year, about 3 million teenagers contract sexually transmitted diseases that can harm them or kill them or prevent them from ever becoming parents. In my budget, I propose a grassroots campaign to help inform families about these medical risks. We will double federal funding for abstinence programs so schools can teach this fact of life: Abstinence for young people is the only certain way to avoid sexually transmitted diseases.  Hey, sexually transmitted diseases don't just target people whom we think are too young to be having sex. They're kinda equal opportunity shameful blights.  So, if abstinence is the only way for young people to avoid them, then it's the only way for everybody.  I say that federally funded Abstinence Programs for Middle-Aged People should take the place of tax cuts for multi-national corporations.  We have to get the message out: Just say no to Thai hookers when they knock on your hotel door, or you will catch herpes!  Neil Bush, the aim here is not to punish you, but to send you this message: We love you, and we don't want to lose you.   *If judges insist on forcing their arbitrary will upon the people, the only alternative left to the people would be the constitutional process. Our nation must defend the sanctity of marriage.   I.e., "I hope it never comes to the point where I have to do actually do something about the gay marriage issue, but since the religious right is a much more important part of my constituency than the Log Cabin Republicans, I'll be forced to support the non-sinners.  But if that happens, you should blame the judges, not me, because they insisted on looking at the law instead of the will of the people of Massachusetts -- who might favor same-sex marriage for all anyone knows, but that's not the point.  The point is, I am NOT obsessed with thoughts of  "rape rooms" and "sex slaves" and stuff like that, because I DO get lots of good, clean, heterosexual lovin' from Laura.  Now, get off my back, Concerned Women of America." *So tonight, I propose a four-year, $300 million Prisoner Re-Entry Initiative to expand job training and placement services, to provide transitional housing and to help newly released prisoners get mentoring, including from faith-based groups.   Hey, maybe faith-based mentoring of prisoners is one of those 21st Century jobs for which we should be training our young people.  Along with Faith-Based Malpractice-Suit Busters, and Faith-Based School Drug Testers. *Last month a girl in Lincoln, Rhode Island, sent me a letter. It began, "Dear George W. Bush, if there is anything you know I, Ashley Pearson, age 2" -- "age 10, can do to help anyone, please send me a letter and tell me what I can do to save our country."  And John Ashscroft wrote her back, saying, "Ashley, you seem like a fine, young American.  You can save our country by reporting on anyone in your neighborhood, school, or family who seems like they might be aiding possible terrorists, plotting to aid possible terrorists, or who might own flight simulator games or almanacs.  Thank you for your interest in the Young People Against Evildoers Club." She added this P.S.: "If you can send a letter to the troops, please put, 'Ashley Pearson believes in you.'" (APPLAUSE) Tonight, Ashley, your message to our troops has just been conveyed. And yes, you have some duties yourself: Study hard in school. Listen to your mom and dad. Help someone in need. And when you and your friends see a man or woman in uniform, say, "Thank you."    "Say, 'Thank You.'" Anyway, those were my favorite parts.  I kept waiting for the word about how we had evidence that Mars trying to buy uranium on the moon, so we'd have to invade it, but he must be saving that for the radio address.