P. Amy MacKinnon, in a Christian Science Monitor column, gives us another one of those, "I USED to be a Democrat, but I support George Bush now, because I'm tired of thinking; and besides, he's so macho!" pieces.
P. Amy starts by recalling her childhood days, when she would enjoy working-class Democratic family dinner conversations around the old oak dining table. And, brainwashed by her upbringing, she used to question whether George's "intellect, interest, and experience were commensurate with the demands of being the leader of the free world." But that's all over now. Presumably P. Amy's family won't be inviting her to Thanksgiving dinner next year, 'cause she's breaking with tradition and voting for George. What happened? Well:
But then Sept. 11 happened. Our nation needed the strength of a leader, and I wondered where we'd find one.Oddly enough, like Amy, I too used to question whether George's intellect, interest, and experience were commensurate with the demands of being the leader of the free world. But after he was in place, I was willing to give him a chance to prove his stuff. And then Sept. 11 happened, and he was reading a picture book to a grade-school class, and he stuck around there for a while, hanging out with the second-graders. Then he was nowhere to be seen for the rest of the day, since he was crisscrossing the country on Air Force One. But even then, I was inclined to cut him some slack, because it was a chaotic time and maybe his people did pick him up and throw him on the plane and refuse to let him be our leader because his life was so valuable.
It wasn't until the president stood with firefighters and rescue workers at ground zero that I began to wonder if perhaps I'd misjudged him. Previously wooden while delivering prepared speeches, the man who shouted into the bullhorn from where the World Trade Center had stood demanded to be heard. And I listened - the whole world listened.
But then, when people started making those unflattering comparisons between George and Rudy Giuliani, there were all those White House lies about how Air Force One had been the target of one of the hijacked planes, and so manly George was fighting terrorists in the skies. And that's when I got mad and vowed I would NEVER vote for George, because it steams my hams when things like terrorist threats are used for political advantage and personal aggrandizement. And nothing I've seen since, not even George's ability to read prepared speeches less woodenly than he used to, has changed my mind.
And that's MY personal story, P. Amy. But back to you:
Bush isn't timid about disappointing a nation. . .Well, I'll give her that!
. . . used to instant gratification. He has reminded us repeatedly that the war on terror will be long, and people will die in the process. Many on both sides have died already. Yet Bush was resolute when he began by defending America in Afghanistan following Sept. 11. He then brought the fight to Iraq at a time when experts around the world were convinced Saddam Hussein had chemical and biological weapons and was actively pursuing a nuclear arsenal.Well, he's stood in front of "Mission Accomplished" banners and declared an end to major operations, but yeah, in the midst of that, he did mention that people would die. But hey, they're just anonymous, faceless statistics whose funerals he never attends, so it's not like they actually count.
And yes, he did "bring the fight to Iraq" (because we couldn't bring it to a vanished Osama). And yes, some experts DID think that Saddam had WMDs and would launch nuclear attacks to kill us in our sleep if we didn't stop him and his "we didn't actually say imminent but read our lips" threat. But of course, there were also OTHER experts who said that Saddam didn't currently have any WMDS and posed no real threat to the U.S. So, it's to George's credit that he listened to the people who were wrong, but were telling him what he wanted to hear. Right, P. Amy?
Oh, and P. Amy applauds George for getting us vengeance for all those other terrorist acts that no other President had the cohones to do something about, even though those previous attacks weren't committed by Iraq or any other nation, and declaring war on concepts like "terrorism" wasn't seen as a viable plan before 9/11 (and some may still question it now).
And there's also the oil:
The forward-thinking, big-picture scenario demanded the US protect itself from enemies gaining control of America's access to oil because oil still controls America.Coincidentally, right before I read P. Amy's piece, I saw this editorial, also in the Christian Science Monitor:
Last week, the Bush administration laid out an easy target for its Democratic rivals by proposing a set of complicated standards to nudge the industry toward making vehicles with better fuel economy, while also trying to slow down the increasing weight of larger and larger vehicles, such as the Hummer.
[snip]
Under the current loopholes that allow SUVs to be labeled light trucks, the nation has the lowest fuel-economy average for new vehicles in 22 years.
The heart of the problem is that most Japanese automakers are better than GM and Ford in fuel efficiency. If Congress or the Bush administration pushes the US industry too hard, it will cost jobs and, perhaps, result in fewer campaign donations to the industry's friends in Washington.
[snip]
Nothing could move the United States toward greater energy independence and less reliance on Middle East oil than using the election campaign to stir up public demand for tougher rules on fuel efficiency.
But hey, it makes us feel like a tough, powerful nation when we invade other countries to ensure we'll have the oil we want. And isn't that what we really want in a President -- somebody who will reduce the world to simple black-and-white concepts, like "We're good and they're evil" and "right makes might"? And besides, if we all conserve fuel by driving compact cars instead of 5-ton SUVs, then the terrorists have won.
Back to P. Amy for her big finale:
So in November, I'll break with tradition and vote for a Republican. I'll place my trust, fears, and future in the hands of a man who has shown the world what it means to lead a nation. It's a tradition of leadership that began with Washington and Lincoln, continued with FDR, and has been resurrected by Bush.I'll let you guys deal with this. I'm bitter.
5:08:46 PM
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First Lady Makes Shocking Admission!
While appearing on "Meet the Press" Sunday, Laura Bush made some interesting comments:
The first lady also said that the "Roses are red, violets are blue" poem she read at a National Book Festival gala in October was not actually written by her husband even though it has been attributed to him. She did not say who wrote the poem.So, who DID tell Laura that he missed her while she was overseas, and called her his "lump in the bed"???
My guess: Jacques Chirac. All that hand kissing inevitably leads to adultery.
Or maybe her secret lover is Karl Rove -- after all, he did read a children's Christmas book for her White House program while her husband was off doing other things.
And just what is George off doing? I think this part of the interview says it all:
When she first learned of the stealth visit, she wanted to accompany her husband, but knew he did not plan to invite her.
"I was very anxious at first when he first started talking about it," she said. But by the time he and National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice drove off from the Bush ranch toward the airport, the day before Thanksgiving, her fears had subsided.
Yup. Laura wants to go to Iraq to serve turkey to the boys, but SHE isn't invited. But she still frets about her husband's safety . . .until she looks out the window and sees him driving off with Condi! So Laura thinks, "Well, he can just DIE for all I care -- both him and that little hussy of a National Security Adviser. While they're making out in Air Force One, I'm gonna spend some time with a man who knows how to write poetry!"
I don't think any one of us blames her.
4:02:13 AM
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Curing Winter Blues the Sequel Way -- As Endorsed by Dr. Phil!
It's Monday. Your precious vacation days are dwindling down to a meager few, and soon, so very soon, you will be back at work or school!
In mourning yet? Good. Because I want to present another installment of the Subliminal Cinema chapter we call "Coping with Grief: The Five Stages of Bad Sequels." We're now up to the third stage of the grieving process: bargaining. This is where you tell the universe, "If you will just bring my cat Whiskers back from the grave, I will do anything! I'll even watch that sappy sequel to the Keanu Reeves movie about the bus!"
Well, you made that deal, and now you're stuck with it Enjoy!
Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997)
Directed by Jan de Bont
Written by Jan de Bont (story) and Randall McCormick
As this sequel begins, Sandra Bullock explains to DMV driving tester Tim Conway that she broke up with her "Speed 1" boyfriend because he gave her pepper spray and she thought it was perfume. Yes, Sandra is still plucky and perky and spunky, but she really should see the Wizard about a brain.
While Sandra chatters on to Tim about her new beau (who is not into dangerous stuff, like her last guy), her driving endangers the lives of everyone in her path. She smashes her way into a dangerous high-speed chase being conducted by LAPD SWAT officer Jason Patric, only to learn that her safe, cozy boyfriend is…Jason!
"I don’t even know you!" she rages, upset that he was an action hero behind her back. But Jason pulls out tickets to a Caribbean cruise and we cut to…
…The Love Boat, where Gopher is showing Sandra and Jason to their cabin. They’re interrupted by the cruise’s designated actor, Willem Dafoe, who demands that his golf balls be found now. When Jason and Sandra go up on deck, Jason notes that there is a golf tournament on TV but Willem isn’t watching it! Willem is no golfer! Jason has cracked the case!
Willem, of course, is a super-villain, and in requisite super-villain fashion, he has a pet that he talks to. But all the good pets were taken, so Willem’s stuck with pet leeches, which he keeps in his bathtub. Also, his golf balls are bombs and he has a fiber optic converter! Clearly he is up to no good.
Jason and Sandra go to the dining room, where we meet our Poseidon Adventure supporting cast members: the Fat Busters Conventioneers (pinch-hitting for Shelley Winters); and some jewelers, who brought along a billion-dollar diamond collection in an effort to score with Kate Winslet. Willem’s plan is to blow up a few golf balls, steal the diamonds, and crash the ship into a cliff.
At the first sign of trouble, Jason is champing at the bit to do brave stuff. He informs the incompetent ship’s officers that Willem is controlling the boat with his ThinkPad, and suggests they shoot him (Willem, I mean—although shooting Jason would have been my suggestion). But Willem is one step ahead of them, and has left his cabin! He taunts them via video camera, saying something about their fathers being hamsters.
Sandra, who thought she was the hero of this film, goes looking for her own people to save. She locates the fat folks, who are trapped in their room and stripping so they can use their clothing to block the fumes coming from the vents. Sandra knows she has to hurry, because we don’t want to see this go any further!
Meanwhile, Jason remembers that in Speed 1, Keanu Reeves shot a hostage to prevent a kidnapping, so Jason comes up with the idea of sinking the ship to keep it from crashing, thereby proving the law of diminishing returns.
Willem’s laptop computer, HAL, tells him Jason has thwarted Evil Plan A, so he switches to Plan B—crashing the ship into an oil tanker. Willem, who is fed up with Sandra’s whining, takes her hostage and flees on a speedboat that was somehow just there.
Jason manages to avert the collision (it involves holding his breath for a long time), but now they are headed for St. Maarten's harbor! The rogue ocean liner plows into the town, smashing the pier, the boardwalk, some condos, and a telephone booth. It seems that ocean liners demolishing towns must be pretty common in these parts because nobody pays much attention until the ship actually taps them on the shoulder and says, "boo!" The Love Boat hits a church and finally comes to a halt since, as we all know, cruise ships can only be stopped by crucifixes. So, the movie is over, right? Alas, no, because Jason still has to rescue Sandra, who is trying to sneak off the set to go make Hope Floats.
Jason hijacks a cigarette boat from some Jamaican guy and his date, and they head off in hot pursuit of Willem, who has abandoned his speedboat for a seaplane. Willem’s plane gets impaled on an oil tanker, he laughs maniacally (Top of the world, ma!), and the tanker and the plane blow up real good.
Jason and Sandra, who fell out of the plane before it exploded, sink into the ocean. Jamaican Guy, who is apparently there to explain the action to the less intelligent audience members, says "I hope they can hold their breaths a long time. Don’t run out of air!" Jamaican Girlfriend adds, "Me thinks they’re dead." Me wish they were. Instead, they find Willem’s bag of diamonds, Jason gives Sandra an engagement ring, and they kiss. The End.
Except we’re now back in the car with Sandra and Tim Conway, and it’s cruelly apparent that this movie has more false climaxes than a Long Island housewife.
Stage of grief: Bargaining.
In fact, this movie exists solely due to haggling and the barter system: a star agrees to do a crappy sequel to a successful action movie in exchange for the studio financing a project with great personal meaning to the star, which is a nice way of saying that it’s self-indulgent offal that most moviegoers wouldn’t touch with an asbestos glove. Ironically, it turns out that nobody wanted to see the crappy sequel either, which goes to show why negotiating with the forces of the universe is always a tricky proposition. You have no way of knowing what cards they hold, you don’t speak their language, and you can’t figure out their currency without one of those little conversion charts.
Basically, it’s the kind of bargaining inexperienced tourists do in Tijuana. They wind up buying the used Sandra Bullock, even though the seller tells them that he’s out of the Keanu Reeves upgrade and they’ll have to take the cheaper Jason Patric--but they’ll still come out ahead if they get the Willem Dafoe option (the same supervillainry as the national Dennis Hopper brand, with only half the sudden, unmotivated bouts of overacting). And the filmmakers walk off, smugly thinking that they did okay. But when they get their movie home, they discover that the high-mileage Sandra Bullock only had her perkiness spray-painted on, that the Jason Patric was just wood in the shape of a leading man, and that they really got rooked when they traded in their bus for the cruise ship.
At this point, unsurprisingly, depression sets in. Which leads inevitably to a dispirited, life-draining prequel from George Lucas . . .
3:05:27 AM
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100 Points Gets You a Visit to ReaganRanch ("The Dopiest Place on Earth!")
I was just checking my Young America Foundation "100 Club" newsletter for December (yes, I'm behind in my college conservative activism, but my GOP Team Leader duties have kept me busy this month). And it turns out that I could earn lots of club points if I get my school to book loony right-wing black speakers for Black History Month, and alleged women speakers for Women's History Month. Here are the details:
Challenge the Left's Indoctrination During Black History and Women's History Months
The spring semester is almost here and that means the Left will begin their annual drive to further indoctrinate students during Black History Month (February) and Women's History Month (March). Typically, the Left schedules several speakers to promote their skewed view of America.
However, you can make a dramatic impact by hosting a Foundation speaker to bring balance to your campus. Conservative activists have been very successful in previous years in providing alternative viewpoints during these months.
20 POINTS You will earn 20 bonus points If you host speakers including Ward Connerly, Reginald Jones, Deroy Murdock, and Star Parker during Black History Month. You will also qualify for the same bonus by hosting leaders such as Ann Coulter, Bay Buchanan, and Phyllis Schlafly during Women's History Month in March. These bonuses can catapult you past 100 points if you are hoping to attend the Club 100 Reagan Ranch Retreat. To book one of these speakers, please call me at 1-800-USA-1776.
Since Ann Coulter charges $20,000 to speak to college audiences, you'd think that I'd earn more than 10 points (good for a remaindered copy of Phyllis Schlafly's Feminist Fantasies) for getting her a gig to present her unskewed view of America on my campus. So, I think I will refrain from staging sit-ins at my fictitious university in order to force the administration to book Phyllis until the Club actually makes it worth my while (I want 10% of what the speakers get paid, NO copies of their books, plus my own 6-figure Scaife Foundation grant for Aiding the Cause of Evil).
Oh, but there is something that I can do; I can let you all know about how you can aid the cause by scamming free T-shirts:
Free Call 1-800-USA-1776 to request a FREE Club100 t-shirt.I'm not sure if you need to give them any secret passwords or anything, but if you still need gift for somebody you don't like very much, you might want to try calling.
2:31:26 AM
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WE Would Have Taken the Liberal Side, But Nobody Asked Us
The Wash Post's Gene Weingarten, unable to get any liberal takers, personally engages in a civil debate with Ann Coulter:
Me: You must be tired of hearing other people try to define you and demonize you, and I wanted to give you an opportunity to explain yourself politically. In your own words, would you say that you are most like the Wicked Witch of the West, Medusa or Erzsebet Bathory, the 17th-century Transylvanian countess who butchered 500 maidservants and bathed in their blood?
Which proves that Gene (whom we have had a crush on ever since he replied to an email we sent him) has done his research on Ann. Of course, Wo'C correspondent Scott C. broke the story about Ann's bathing practices a couple of months ago in the Pulitizer-ignored expose Ann Coulter's Beauty Secret, but we still recommend Gene's piece, if only for the nice photo of Ann.
12:22:42 AM
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