February 8, 2004 by s.z.

Very Interesting, But Stupid: Weekend Edition

1.  We start our celebration of the wild world of the wacky with Amber Pawlik, who was watching the Super Bowl and "almost fell over dead when Janet Jackson decided to expose her breast on stage."  Presumably, it was just like the Vagina Monologues, in that it almost turned Amber into a lesbian.  So, did Amber pick herself up off the floor, turn off the TV, and phone Kathleen Parker, so the two could whine about how the world was going to hell in a handbasket?  Not exactly.

That goes by and a little later another friend walks through the door. “Janet Jackson showed her breast during halftime,” I told him. He offered that in exchange for doing the dishes that I would try to find the image online.

This was at most one half hour after it happened. I figured it was pretty quick to have a new picture of Janet up on the internet but there had to be some website out there dedicated to it. It is, afterall, Janet with part of her breast exposed. I looked and looked. Superbowl.com had recent pictures of the halftime show, but no picture of Janet’s exposed breast. Finally I asked myself, “What site would have up-to-the-minute, latebreaking, racy, gossipy news?”

Ladies and gentleman, I found it. The only site that had this latebreaking story within, literally minutes: The Drudge Report.

This inspired me to discuss something that is distinctly absent from our culture: investigative reporting.

“News” is supposed to be just that: new. Those in the industry should pride themselves on one thing: getting the story before everyone else does. What do our current newspapers pride themselves on? Propaganda.

So, the lesson Amber derived from the Great Booby Incident of Ought-Four?  That the mainstream media is falling down on the job because they just don't get you those photos of celebrity breasts in a timely fashion -- which is a real issue for women, who frequently need such photos to bribe men to do the dishes. 

Oh, and Amber also bemoans the loss of "newsies," who, in bygone days, used to perform the vital function of alerting the world to major boobical incidents.

I have to say this is the most original take on the Super Bowl show I've read today, and while not the stupidest, it comes close.

2.  And speaking of Amber, her bestest friend Sadly, No! covers her latest column, which asks the question that's on everyone's mind: which is more evil, "the Ayatollah thugs of Iran" or the "Western media?"  I think you know the answer to that one.

3.  And speaking of Sadly, No!, he also updates us on what old friend (well, 15-year-old friend) Kyle Williams thought of the Super Bowl half-time show: mainly, that for all its sluts and nipples and such, it didn't bring Kyle happiness.  "To what end will this take us?"  Um, to "porn on demand" and the adoption of homosexuality, in a search for "some kind of contentment," per Kyle.  Dr. No! deals the ramifications.

4.  Oh, and while Amber's only gripe with the half-time show was that it took an hour or so for the media to provide her with downloads of Janet's breast, OTHER PEOPLE recognized that this is a matter of grave import.  Even national security is involved! 

Our friend Dave E. tipped us off to Terri Carlin's class action lawsuit, in which Ms. Carlin seeks relief for herself and the approximately 80 million other people who saw the boob, and as a result, "were caused to suffer outrage, anger, embarrassment, and serious injury."  (The "serious injury" was presumably one of those 4-hour erections the Super Bowl advertisers warned us about.) 

But worst of all, the lewd dancing and exposed breast "defamed" Terri and the members of her class, and they "have suffered injuries and damages to their reputations as Americans."  Indeed, this nasty behavior harmed "the standing and credibility of Americans in the world," and Janet, Justin, CBS, MTV, the NFL, and several other 3-letter organizations should have to regain America's loss of standing by paying everyone a few booby bucks. 

Personally, I think this is a matter is so serious is shouldn't be handled in the civil court, but in the FBI/Homeland Security Patriot Act courts.  Janet's boob of mass attraction is obviously dangerous, and is perhaps a biological terror weapon.  I think John Ashcroft will have to investigate this one personally!

5.  The fine folks at the Young America Foundation continue to send me emails alerting me to such programs as a Young Activists conference at the Jesse Helms center, designed to teach me how to blackmail my school into sponsoring campus speakers (it includes free food, so if you're in Jesse's neighborhood, you might want to attend). 

But what if my fictitious school is but a poor agricultural college which can't afford the $20,000 (plus expenses) that Ann demands?  Well, there's a plan for that too: The Grassroots Lecture Program, which features generic and factory-second speakers!

The Grassroots Lecture Program is a new breakthrough program designed to offer student groups with minimal funding an opportunity to sponsor dynamic conservative speakers. Oftentimes, new student groups wishing to host conservative speakers face a Catch-22. The school refuses to give new organizations significant funding because they haven't hosted a speaker before, but the group cannot demonstrate that they can be effective until they receive funding. The Grassroots Lecture Program removes this roadblock by recruiting speakers who require little or no honoraria and have proven to be effective proponents of conservative ideas.  

And who are some of these budget speakers?

For starters, the illustrious Sally Pipes.  Sally Pipes!  She's a member of the Federalist society.  She's a board member for the Independent Women's Forum (you know, where Daneille Crittenden and Meghan Cox Gurdon sometimes hang out.  She's "an internationally recognized public policy leader," even if YOU'VE never heard of her.  And she writes columns for MensNewsDaily about Stepford Feminists, so she's apparently last-year's Amber Pawlik.  But she doesn't appear to be Daniel Pipes' wife, proving Amber's theory about women who damage their goods in their twenties.

But the main reason I wanted to tell you about this economy speaker program is that, for little or no cost, your university could hear from Hugo Gurdon. the shadowy figure behind Meghan, and kiddies Hecuba, Zirconium, Claris, and Nice (pronounced the French way).  His bio says he speaks on "Environmental Public Policy, but I bet if you asked him nicely during the Q&A session, you could get him to tell charming but moralistic stories about his flighty wife and feral children.  All in all, I'd think it would be very interesting to hear from Hugo.  Although probably stupid too.

4:48:48 AM