January 18, 2004 by s.z.

State of the Union Preview With the nation at war and his re-election campaign under way, President Bush huddled with top aides at Camp David this weekend, polishing the State of the Union address he'll deliver Tuesday night to a joint session of Congress. Well, I read what the Wash Post, Atlanta Journal-Constitution, and NY Times said that the speech will cover, per "insiders" and "Karl Rove."  And then I stole a draft copy of the SOTU from Camp David.  It goes something like this: 1.  We are still fighting a war -- a war against terrorism!  And that's why we have a deficit, not because the White House spends like a drunken sailor.  After all, we're meeting the tests of time.  Our name is the Bush Administration; look on us, ye mighty and despair!   2.  The Invasion of Iraq has made the world safer.  A nasty, evil Middle Eastern dictator has surrendered his chemical and biological weapons, weapons which could have been used to kill you, your woman, and your children, if not for President Bush. Have any of the Democratic candidates done anything similar for you? 3.  Okay, there were no WMDs in Iraq, but as noted above, we have a NEW justification for Invasion of Iraq: to intimidate Libya into disarming.  That was the plan all along.  Really. 4.  It's good that we unseated Hussein.  GOOD!  Remember how happy everybody was when he was captured -- captured in a spider hole!  The Iraqi people are now free!  They have schools and hospitals now.  And no more rape rooms!  5.  Okay, the U.S. death toll in Iraq is up to 500 (so far).  But remember how happy we all were when we captured Saddam!  And after all, the President didn't kill those people, so you can't hold the death toll against HIM.  If only the U.N. had provided the troops which he had asked for, then THEY would have died instead of Americans.  So, if anyone is to blame for these deaths (other than al-Qaeda, of course), blame the treacherous U.N. nations (who will be helping us with the Iraq rebuilding effort, BTW -- thanks, guys).   Besides, the occupation of Iraq will end on July 1; thus, if you try really hard, you can believe that everybody will be home by then, and no more Americans will ever die in Iraq.  6.  Remember the Cold War?  And the 100-Years War?  They were really long, weren't they?  Well, the War Against Evildoers may take a "generational commitment." 7.  But forget that and look over here -- Permanent tax cuts!  8.  The Democratic candidates all say that they care about uninsured people.  But nobody cares more than President Bush, who has a plan too: it's called "Faith Based Insurance," in that you pray that you never get sick.  Not good enough for you, Ms. Sneering Pelosi?  Then how about a tax credits plan?  Tax credits!  Doesn't that sound much better than anything the Democrats could dream up? 9.  Ever wish you could day trade with your social security account?  Well, reelect Bush in 2004, and that dream can come true!  See how forward-looking he is.  Much more forward-looking than the Democratic candidates, who are backward-looking -- always talking about WMDs and deficits and old stuff like that. 10.  Sure, the economy has lost about 2.3 million jobs since Bush took office, but it's not HIS fault -- you should blame Osama, Enron, and Martha Stewart!  After all, Bush's tax cut (which rewarded the rich for "growing" the economy) WORKED, as witnessed by the fact that you see very few rich people in unemployment lines. 11.  The politics of failure have failed.  We must make them work again. 12.  Woo hoo, PERMANENT TAX CUTS! Anyway, that's what my purloined text says (there were also some doodles of missiles hitting the a house labled "Iowa Caucus,"and some pornographic stick figures labled "Karen Hughes becoming a lesbian," but I couldn't reproduce those in a family blog).  But I guess we'll find out just how acurate this outline is as we listen to the speech on Tuesday.  Well, I actually recommend watching it on TV -- if the pornographic stick figures make it in, you'll want to be able to see them. 4:01:40 AM

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Happy National Sanctity of Human Life Day! A day where we "reaffirm our commitment to respecting the life and dignity of every human being."  Well, actually a day when we all gather in our homes and churches to remember that the President "encourages adoption and supports abstinence education, crisis pregnancy programs, parental notification laws, and other measures to help us continue to build a culture of life."  Like the one he built in Texas, where 120 prisoners were executed while he was Governor. 1:38:28 AM

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Prove Your Patriotism! Remember when young Ben Shapiro wrote: So, I offer the following challenge. I will describe two non-profit, non-partisan, pro-troops charities below. Both liberals and conservatives should donate to these charities.  After donating, send me an e-mail with your name, the amount you donated, and whether you are pro-war or anti-war.  After the charities verify each donation, I will tally up the total amount donated by each side.  Let's find out if anti-war liberals are really as patriotic as they suggest. We never did learn the results of that challenge, did we?  (Possibly because Oliver North used the money sent by gullible readers to buy Ben a hooker.) But that doesn't matter, for I am offering the ULTIMATE challenge to decide the patriotism of everyone in the universe.  It's very simple: donate some money to Jim of The Rittenhouse Review.  If you do, you're patriotic.  If you don't, then Ben Shapiro gets to sleep with your wife.  How much would you pay for daily doses of intelligent, witty, compelling, instructive, and entertaining prose?  $100? $500 $1,000,000?  But wait--  don't answer yet!  You also get the Daily Terror Alert Status: information which could SAVE YOUR LIFE!  NOW how much would you pay?  If you're like me (and I know I am*), you don't have Rush Limbaugh-style "walking around money" (and you never have to worry about being busted by the feds for making multiple withdrawals of just under $10,000 from your checking account).  But we can help too.  If we each donated just $10 or $25 or so it would add up, and we could show "Professional Blogger" Andrew Sullivan what we really care about (and it's not supplying him with a paid assistant to read his letters).  As Jim notes, this is "proverbial 11th hour," and the rent's due and stuff.  So, you can feel good about your donation, knowing that he won't blow it on booze and George Bush action figures. I don't know if Jim's idea of being able to blog full-time is feasible (I suspect that Sullivan is able to do it because he has incriminating photos of somebody high up in the RNC), but I wish him well in this dream.  I keep hearing the TV pundits talking about the power of this new phenomenon called "web logs," and I think that if some group or individual wanted to influence the leftward-leaning blogosphere (for good, and not for evil) they should consider providing major funding for Rittenhouse Review. But even if that doesn't happen, we can show Ben Shapiro who the REAL patriots are by donating the price of a couple movie tickets to support excellence in blogging.   And in conclusion, remember the words of Betty White: "If you've read even one word of Rittenhouse Review and don't contribute, you're a thief.  A common thief!"* * Thanks to Joel Hodgson, and The Simpsons. 12:48:48 AM