TownHall All-Stars
Yes, it's Wednesday, our favorite day of the week because it's when all the best TownHall columnists come out to play. The common threads this time are that Howard Dean is the enemy of all that is good and decent in this world; and that George Bush and Karl Rove are on the side of the illegal aliens, proving they hate America. And check out the bonus column by Pat Boone, who is apparently, like Paul Harvey, still alive.
Michelle's 8-week-old baby just got his social security card (which includes a standard warning about improper use). Michelle is outraged that the government would threaten Michelle's innocent baby when Mexican illegal aliens who pay into pension plans will get money when they retire, all thanks to "Mr. Brilliant, Karl Rove." This opens the way for Osama to get a pension, thus proving that Karl Rove in the pay of al Qaeda. Giving money to scam artists will simply result in more fraud -- not only by Mexican agricultural workers, but also by Middle Easterners such as Youssef Hmimssa, who provided fake Social Security numbers and fraudulent drivers' licenses to members of an accused terrorist cell in Detroit. "If you have the right connection, you can get anything," he testified before the Senate last fall. The door is now open for all illegal aliens to collect retirement benefits using bogus Social Security cards. What's next: survivors' benefits for the families of the 19 Sept. 11 hijackers?
Howard Dean SAYS he's on the side of farmers, but he supports the inheritance tax, which forces the sale of family farms when hard working farmers like Richard Mellon Scaife die; it also spells an end to family owned media empires. So, Dean is actually NOT for the little guy. The death tax is a one-way ticket for private property. It drives it away from individuals and families and into the hands of big government and large, publicly traded companies. By opposing repeal of the death tax, Dean puts the interests of big business over family business.
The people of Iowa and New Hampshire are like John Belushi in Animal House. If John Kerry got the presidency, he'd probably just sit in the Oval Office shooting TVs, like Elvis. But Jonah wants Dean to get the nomination, probably because then the election would like when Homer Simpson ran against Steve Martin for garbage collector. And, most significant, at a moment when national security is of monumental importance, Dean has adopted a "do the opposite of George" foreign policy. If Bush is for it, Dean must be against it. It's almost like Dean's the anti-matter universe version of George Bush - like in the "Star Trek" where Captain Kirk is evil and Spock wears a goatee.
[Note: Jonah must have read our TH recap from a few of weeks ago in which we claimed that he was from the evil Star Trek universe, for not only did he steal our dorky analogy, but he has also shaved his goatee.]
Because Kathleen has lived in the Bible Belt for most of her life, she can knowledgeably insult Southerners for their tackiness and lack of deep religious convictions. She excoriates Howard Dean for being a phony who is trying to pander to trailer trash and lowlifes, when he should just admit that rich, tasteful people are the only ones who matter. From the boys in pickup trucks with Confederate flag stickers to the Bible-thumping Jesus bloc, one wonders what's next? Beauty queens, golfers and deer hunters? Look for Dean in camo, teeing off at Myrtle Beach with Miss South Carolina while tailgating on venison stew. Better make it an SUV, Bubba.
As alert WOC Tim Lambert reader pointed out, Walter's story from last week about the guy who left his Winnebago on cruise control, crashed, and then won a big time law suit, is just an urban legend. But the fact that Walter fell for it just proves that he was right about people lacking a sense of personal responsibility. None of these cases, and many others, differs in principle from the Merv Grazinski urban legend. What's common to all of them is the absolution or the attempt at absolution from personal responsibility. Are people to be held responsible for their actions?
So, should Walter be fired for his lack of fact-checking? Um, no. Because that's not the point he was trying to make.
Ben heard that the Dean meet-ups were a good place to meet chicks, but even they wouldn't sleep with him, which means they're all lesbos. So, he's going to blame Dean for the entries in the Moveon.org ad contest, since Dean probably submitted them all himself under various fake names, while hogging all the chicks for himself. Ben also wishes you to note that he can make just as many pop culture references as Jonah. The Dean voter is a new breed. He/she/both/none of the above combines the leftism of Lisa Simpson with the paranoia of Elliot Carlin. The Dean supporter mixes the pacifism of Jeannette Rankin with the smoldering hatred of Ted Kaczynski.
Canadians can't contribute to American presidential campaigns, but they ARE probably donating money to MoveOn.org, which is anti-Bush. So in effect, Wesley Clark is being bankrolled by al Qaeda. Americans, of course, have the right to contribute to an election effort to defeat an American president during wartime. But if it is not yet against the law, then it should be made soon to bar even a single foreign dollar from influencing an American presidential election -- whether directly or indirectly. Should Osama bin Laden be permitted to buy television advertising intended to defeat President Bush in the election?
And of course, it should be against Canadian law for an American president to influence their country. We hope that their legislators and Tony can get together and brainstorm some ideas of how to make this all work. If Congress can limit or bar Americans from contributing to presidential election campaigns, surely it has the authority to bar foreigners -- particularly supporters of the enemy in time of war. Keep in mind, last year's campaign finance law also barred issue advertising by Americans 60 days before an election. What would be an appropriate cut-off date for permitting terrorism supporting Saudi Princes or multi-billionaire international currency manipulators from buying advertising intended to manipulate American public opinion and bring down a president?
Well, it is wartime, as Tony keeps reminding us, so I think we should play it safe and just shut down the media completely until after the election, to prevent the evil foreigners from influencing us. Because I heard a rumor the other day that even FOX NEWS might have foreign money behind it!
Bush wants to grant amnesty to Mexican illegal aliens who have jobs. This proves that he and Karl Rove are in the pay of Osama bin Laden, just like Michelle Malkin said. After 3,000 Americans were murdered on a single day, common sense should have dictated that political pandering would finally take a back seat—if only marginally—to the most serious of security concerns.
Afghanistan has a constitution now, and so Howard Dean is wrong about everything, and is a big baby who sticks his head in gravy. (Thanks to Elizabeth for reminding me of that fine, old taunt.) What Dean wants, he wants now, this very minute, and if that thing is ironclad guarantees of safety, and if President Bush doesn't deliver said guarantees, waaaaah!
Now, here's a TownHall bonus! It's Pat Boone, writing for the allied "60-Plus Association." Pat tells us stories from the golden age of white people, such as that when HE was a skinny young pop idol, they added "under God" to the Pledge of Allegiance, and they liked it that way! And since 86% of Americans say that God is a VIP, then the people who worry that it might not be constitutional for public school teachers to lead children in a pledge that acknowledges God, should just move back to the USSR, because the Constitution is not about inalienable rights, it's about majority rule! While they’re certainly entitled to their views, maybe it’s time to tell the 14 percent to “shut up” and get over it. While the Constitution guarantees their right to hold and express whatever views they wish, the Constitution also guarantees majority rule. We have rights too, even if a minority of Americans objects.
And that concludes today's TownHall Recap. Yes, TownHall -- where the village idiot is king!
2:54:04 AM | 
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