February 21, 2004 by s.z.

The New Town Hall Review We haven't done a summary of the TownHall columns for a while.  So, let's do one right now! Rich Tucker Rich deplores all that political correctness on campus, and longs for the good old days when everybody loved it when frat boys wore black face, and when it was a requirement that garage mechanics teach their apprentices about the beauties of the female form through girlie photos. And in any event, shouldn't Wellington get to see all there is to see in a typical garage before he agrees to work there?  Better to get used to the naked pictures now than after he’s hired on full time.  Edwin Feulner The reason our kids isn't learning is that the teachers who are supposed to educationalize them use jargon that nobody conceptulates, and that creates adverse consequences.  Then you wake up at the high school level and find out that the illiteracy level of our children are appalling. All this jargon is specifically designed to be confusing. “It reinforces the divide between schools and families,” education consultant Anne Henderson told The Washington Post. “Parents are like, ‘What in the world does all this mean?’”   Doug Giles You should just read the Sadly, No! deconstruction of this column.  But here's mine anyway: Doug's daughters, whom he sends to school to become "alpha females" in the 3 R's, are witnesses to "things from fellow students that single sailors on leave in Borneo don’t see and hear" (presumably, algebra and lesbian threesomes).  And if that wasn't bad enough, the girls were also exposed to "'It’s Okay to Be Gay' propaganda presented by high school students." Doug is mad as hell that "the innocence you work your butts off trying to provide your kids is being eroded" by the public schools.  (Back in my day, kids worked their butts off to provide their OWN innocence -- but kids today are too lazy to get OFF their butts, and expect to be handed innocence on silver platter.) Doug recommends that you meet your children's teachers, principals, and counselors, and tell each them that you do NOT want your kids to be okay with gayness.  And if that doesn't work, send your children to the more innocent clime of Borneo, to hang out with single sailors on shore leave. Teachers and kids can’t talk about Jesus Christ, Moses or Biblical ethics -- at least not in a positive, plausible sense -- in the classroom.  But it’s just fine to talk about Timmy and Tommy, the Testicle Twins?   Kathleen Parker John Edwards is dreamy!  He's just like Bush, but smart -- and way nicer than that stuck-up hippie, John Kerry.  You Democrats should all vote for him! Kerry may have the statesman's DNA and the veteran's resume, but Edwards has the common touch at a time when change is rustling the kudzu. Compared to both Kerry and Bush, Edwards is like a bright shiny penny: no tarnish, no lengthy voting record to defend, no smoke.  William F. Buckley The Iraqis are unacquainted with democracy, and so we need to instruct them (through military force if necessary) not to vote for Howard Dean.  What then happened was a slide in Democratic public opinion from exhilarated, enthusiastic endorsement, in the direction of Mr. McEntee's judgment that Dr. Dean was, well, nuts. Democratic revaluation began to set in, and Governor Dean moved from overwhelming favorite to bedraggled third place. That kind of corrective renewal bolsters faith in the tactical achievements of democratic practice. How can these be understood in Iraq, let alone appreciated and absorbed? The 20th century lunacy of one-man one-vote is a heavier potion of democratic elixir than the Iraqis can swallow. But can they be brought to understand that?  Robert Novak Bush is not going to dump Cheney, even though Cheney is the one who outed Valerie Plame.  Bill Frist wants the job of VP, but his plan to eliminate Cheney by mailing him ricin was foiled by an intern. The most constant variant of these reports has Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist replacing Cheney. Frist had no part in stirring up such speculation, but one of his financial backers in his home state of Tennessee is responsible for helping to spread the rumor.  Neil Cavuto Whenever Neil hears a politician rail against tax cuts, he shows them a dollar bill and asks them how much of that dollar bill the average American worker should get.  As I'm folding the dollar by a third, or half or more, I continue making my point.  "Is this enough? Maybe a little more? More still? What do you think?"  The politicians are dumbfounded at the fact that Neil has a dollar, and never answer.   It's a telling demonstration that any kid could understand, but politicians loathe.  And they loathe it because of its simplicity.  So do me a favor, and ask your congressman or senator, "How much of my money do you think is fair to take?"  Or do ME a favor and ask Neil how much of that dollar he'd just blow on hookers and drugs if he was allowed to keep it. Richer Americans, those horrible tax dodgers, as some liberals will attest, well, they don't seem to dodge much. They fork over much more. When all is said and done, they pay closer to 55 percent of what they make when you throw in all those taxes.  Of course, that still leaves them several million more dollars than YOU have, but that's not the point.  The point is that Neil can fold a dollar. Mona Charen Instead of reforming foster care, bring back orphanages! A variety of sports teams, music education and cultural enrichment can be provided to the children, as well as regular classes (though it may be overoptimistic to think that the education would be any better than it is at other government schools).   And that's TownHall for this weekend.  And here are the lessons you should have learned from it: You can entertain children and politicians for hours by folding a simple dollar bill.  Demand that colleges stop disapproving of black face and Playboy centerfolds.  Jargon bad; John Kerry and orphanages good.  And just say no to being okay with gayness.  11:51:26 PM

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Goodbye "Bennifer"Hello "Satann"! By Scott C., our reporter in Hell As fans of Satan know, this has been a busy couple of weeks for His Royal Badness. First, he changed his Hip Hop name from "Beelzebub" to "P. Belial" for no apparent reason, then insisted that MTV and his record label officially refer to him as "The Power of Darkness." "I figure if Michael Jackson—and don’t get me wrong, he’s a man I deeply admire—can contractually oblige Viacom to call him The King of Pop, then I oughta be entitled to my own honorific. So," he said, addressing the crowd of scribbling reporters, "I’d like all you pathetic wretches to address me The Wicked One, Prince of the Power of the Air, and Accuser of Our Brethren. I’d also really like to be known as Ruler of the Darkness of This World, but apparently FOX News has copyrighted that one for Sean Hannity." Then came the Super Bowl Half Time Show. Satan wowed the crowd with a crotch-grabbing performance backed by his band, The Tower of Power of Darkness Horns, but later came in for criticism when he offered Janet Jackson a luscious Granny Smith to bare her breast on national TV. But the biggest shock to fans came with this week’s announcement that Lucifer had apparently dropped Longtime Companion Saddam Hussein. This suspicion was confirmed when the Son of Perdition announced his engagement to pundit Ann Coulter. "Listen, the reason I’m 10,000 years old and never been married isn’t because I’m gay. It’s because my standards are incredibly high. C’mon, man, I’m the Father of All Lies! I can’t just hook up with some half-assed prevaricator like Mickey Kaus or Mark Steyn. I’m the Father of All Lies! I need someone special, someone who can lie like Jenna Bush on the floor of Club Deep after her seventeenth Raspberry Grenade. And I’ll be honest, I’d just about given up on ever finding my soulless mate…until I read Ann’s latest column. I tell you, when I saw her flinging lies about a crippled veteran like a Rwandan Mountain Gorilla pitching feces at a crowd of zoo patrons, I was aroused. When she came back the next week and answered her critics by telling even bigger lies, my lack of god! I was sportin’ the kind of wood that made my khakis tent like a whole friggin’ Boy Scout Jamboree!" The engagement is the first for longtime bachelor Ann Coulter, but friends insist that the two are in love. "He’s all over her," said Fox News personality Bill O’Reilly, who describes Satan as "a friend of the program," and who has often hosted the two at his Manhattan townhouse. "He’s always stuffing her hand down his slacks and saying things like, ‘idle manhands are the devil’s playthings.’ Meanwhile, she calls him her ‘little horn.’ Stuff like that. They’re a very affectionate couple. It’s really cute or really nauseating, depending on how drunk I am." But the course of true love is not without a bump or two. Satan admitted that there was some grumbling in his family when Ann declined to convert. "Naturally, I expected her to worship me and offer me her soul, and my anti-pope, Anton LeVay had set up some Pre-Cana courses for us to take, but it turns out that Ann spent her twenties ‘damaging her soul’ as you might say, so there wasn’t much equity left. Still, she’s an unholy creature who slakes her thirst with the blood of the innocent (see Ann Coulter's Beauty Secret), so it’s not like I’m marrying out of the faith." Although there have been the usual stresses and strains that afflict every wedding, there has been joy and laughter and plagues as well. "When Bob Novak showed up at the wedding chapel, the ushers said, ‘Are you on the Bride or the Groom’s side? He said, well, the Bride invited me, but I’ve always been on the Groom’s side.’ We laughed and laughed." In traditional Vegas ceremony, they were married by Ernest Borgnine, pastor of the First Church of Ram-Faced Has-Beens.   12:12:43 AM

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"How Satan and Darwin undermined the church"  Shorter Jerry Falwell:  Refusing to believe that the Earth was created in six days led to Darwinism, gay marriage, and the triumph of Satan. Jerry refers us to Answers in Genesis, which is dedicated to promoting a literal belief in the Book of Genesis.  Jerry says: I believe this organization is developing into one of the most important Christian ministries in the world. They are now building a massive Creation Museum near the Cincinnati International Airport, which will skillfully address the issues of Genesis and further defend the foundations of the Bible. Because our nation is sadly lacking in airport Creationist museums.  Per the "Answers in Genesis" site, the museum will counter secular natural history museums which "proclaim an evolutionary, humanistic worldview. For example, they will typically place dinosaurs on an evolutionary timeline millions of years before man."  But when you add up the time periods mentioned in the Bible, you learn that the Earth was created "only thousands of years ago (perhaps only 6000!), not millions of years. Thus, if the Bible is right (and it is!), dinosaurs must have lived within the past thousands of years."  And co-existed with humans, as depicted in "The Flintstones."  You don't get info like that at other museums! The Creation Museum will cost $25 million.  Since it's being built as the money comes in, there is no projected opening date.  But it does look cool from the illustration: Anyway, something to look forward to exploring the next time you are stranded at the Cincinatti airport -- assuming the group has raised $25 million by then. 12:01:24 AM