Coming Attractions As you know, there is a Presidential election coming up, and several people want the job as our nation's CEO. Just how do you, the little person, decide who would make the best President? Well, four out of five pundits recommend "character" to their readers who chew gum and are registered voters looking for a candidate to vote for. But just how do you ascertain this "character" crap? Easy enough -- you go by what I tell you. And what makes me an expert on judging character? A book. Yes, I am the proud possessor of a copy of the 1945 tome Character Reading for Fun and Popularity. So, in the days and weeks and months (probably days though; I have a short attention span), we will assess the characters of the Presidential hopefuls using such methods as "First Appearances," "The Face," "Mannerisms and Gestures," "Heredity and Environment," "Color Preferences," "Numbers," and "The Stars." (If someone could get me detailed photos their heads, we could also try phrenology, but I'll go ahead with the other methods while waiting for the head bump info.) So, tune in soon to read a report of what their hair teaches us about the characters of George Bush, John Kerry, John Edwards, Howard Dean, and the rest. And, if all goes according to plan, I will have fun and become popular. 5:37:38 AM  |
The Horror Begins . . . As Roger Ailes pointed out a couple of days ago, Ed Koch is now missing from the National Review Bermuda Triangle Cruise speaker line-up. What happened? Did the NR people figure out that Ed is a Democrat, and expel him? (Which, as Roger points out, seems to be an act of blatant discrimination which could make a nice lawsuit.) Is he dead, and the RNC is trying to keep it quiet until after the election, since Ed was endorsing their guy? Or did he just read your ideas of what could happen to the group of speakers once they were on the high seas and decide to bail out, since he didn't want to be abducted by aliens, sodomized, or eaten? (He did kind of like the idea of being a fey pirate, though.) Somebody needs to find out, and the elite media isn't doing the job! And that's where I come in, possibly. If somebody will sponsor my way on this cruise, I'd not only find out what happend to Ed, I'd report on the whole shebang, even though it sounds scary. REALLY scary -- for THIS is what they have planned up for the participants:
So, I'd not only have to listen to the likes of William F. Buckley and William Bennett, I'd also have to eat with them, socialize with them, and "enjoy personal interaction" (i.e., have sex) with them, at great risk to my physical and mental well being. Look at this photo from the last NR cruise (you know, the one where Jonah Goldberg killed all his fellow speakers while pretending to be the detective, just like in The Murder of Roger Ackroyd), and you'll see what I mean.  Rich Lowry Working as Ship's Gigolo And more. But sponsor me, and you could have live reporting of events like these from this upcoming cruise. I'd even accept a berth in the "Window Suite" section (as they colorfully call steerage), so it would cost $3,999, plus air fare. Think it over, and get back to me. And be on the lookout for the missing Ed Koch -- if he's really been eaten, we should probably alert somebody. 4:43:14 AM |
The World O'Crap Book Club Everybody else has a book club. Oprah has one. "The Today Show" has one. Even Kelly Ripa has one. ("Fun, frivolous, fast and fiction, that's what Reading With Ripa is all about.") But when I saw that Sean Hannity had one I said to myself, "Damn, what a crappy book club! Say, that gives me an idea. . . ! " And so, welcome to the World O'Crap Book Club -- featuring crappy books that we haven't read, and which we encourage you not to read either. 1. Our first recommendation also happens to be Sean's most recent selection -- we doubt he's read it either. From Inside the Front Flap:
So, "activist judges" won't let school children learn not to commit murder, thus leading to "the rampant violence, the multiple addictions, the moral decadence of the media, the stealing and lying that have been revealed in corporate America," and those Gay Days at DisneyWorld. And then the judges have the nerve to say that Roy Moore is the jerk! Teach these hijackers a lesson by quietly practising the Ten Commandments in your own daily life, and donating the price of this book to the poor -- THAT will teach them! 2. Our next book is not a Sean Hannity selection, but presumably only because it's too close in theme to Sean's upcoming book, Deliver Us From Evil: How Bush is Your Only Salvation from Terrorists, and How Liberals Worship Satan. But this one came out first, and so it's our recomendation for this week: The Enemy Within: Saving America from the Liberal Assault on Our Schools, Faith, and Militaryby Michael Savage
So, another fair and nuanced discussion of the current American scene. But hey, don't take it from me: let's hear from some Amazon customer reviewers:
[The author of this review thoughtfully included his work email address, so you'll know he has a job. But Novell management might want to check what this guy is doing on company time.]
Say, a nationalized, government-sponsored coffee shop which forces liberals to smell Michael Savage! Sounds like a winning idea to me. One last Amazon review:
3. And speaking of books you can't take your eyes off (for fear that they will trash your house and make off with your valuables) . . . Our next book is one which we mentioned before it was published, but never read. We still haven't read it, but wish to prove that it actually exists, since some folks thought the whole thing was a parody. Well, it probably is, but it's also #6 on Amazon's Best Sellers list.
So beware, beware! As Booklist says, "Dr. Laura gets back into the battle of the sexes in this new offering, which will bring Marabel Morgan's Total Woman (1975) to the minds of readers of a certain age. Schlessinger doesn't advise women to greet their husband in saran wrap, as Morgan did, but she does tell women to shape up, literally and figuratively." So, since there's no saran wrap involved, I really can't recommend this book. But these Amazon customer reviewers can:
Yup, you just can't trust those athletically-inclined female -- they're all lesbians, and therefore anti-men. So, even though Dr. Laura blames women for everthing wrong in marriages today, she's one of THEM, and not to be trusted. In fact, all women are evil, pretty much. Sounds like good advice advice from a guy who knows, presumably because his wife ran off with another woman. So, there you have it -- the first selections in the World O'Crap Book Club. We get a percentage from Amazon for every book you don't buy, so start not reading! 3:10:40 AM |
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