Desperately Seeking Conservatives
On a day when everybody is talking about marriage, it's nice that young Judson "Cloned Pandas of Mass Destruction" Cox takes up the concerns of us singles.
Yes, it's tough to be conservative and therefore unable to find love during the Super Bowl Half-time show like everyone else. And if you found the show offensive, then it follows that you don't like "the club scene," popular music, or breasts, and therefore you will never find a mate, and will die alone and unloved.
I'm starting to wonder if Judson is really serious in his search for love, because why would he expect to find his ideal woman (one who is offended by everything except national defense) by using pick-up lines?
But yes, politics ARE sexy if you are Ann Coulter, since for her it's like S&M, except that she doesn't have to be in the same room with the people she's trying to humilate, dominate, and hurt. But sadly, nobody in (or out of ) politics finds Ann sexy. Well, except for Judson, Ben Shapiro, and a few other pimply virgins who don't know what the adam's apple means (or who pretend they don't, so they don't have to confront what attraction to Ann means about them.)
There are also environmental challenges preventing conservatives from meeting. To begin with, if you are in college, you are pretty much up a certain malodorous creek without a paddle. Not only are most college students liberal, the atmosphere on campus tends to keep conservatives closeted for fear of retribution. You can join the College Republicans, but these groups are often smaller than a Sunday school class in Manhattan.
Okay, now I'm sure that Judson is just playing games with us, since he attends Liberty University, which should be chock o'block with comely Young Conservatives, College Republicans, and Young Abstainers Who Object to Breasts.
If you're not married by age 22, you can pretty much forget it.
That guy who plays the lead in Mel Gibson's A Fistful of Jesus* chose a career in the entertanment field, and HE got struck by lightening. That must prove something.
But it is true that conservative political groups are usually made up of old, boring, ugly, married people. Take the Republican Party, for example.
That happened to a conservative friend of mine. She was a junior in college, and knew that her time to find a husband was running out. So, she married some guy whom she picked up a a half-time show by asking him what he thought about national defense (he thought it was nice). Sure, he was a liberal, but she believed that her love could change him. But she soon found out that while she was out delivering Avon, he was giving her hard earned money to Communists! He was also encouraging their twin toddlers to have premarital sex, use drugs, follow pagan religions, and become homosexuals!
She was shocked, as you might imagine. But when she learned he had aborted their other children without her knowledge or consent, it was the last straw! She had no choice but to have an affair with a married conservative who TOOK from the commies, instead of giving (he took both money and prostitutes). And soon she was bearing his child, without the knowledge or consent of her husband. I don't know what her married lover encourged his children to do, but their cousins are known for their alcohol and drug excesses. And that man's name is . . . Neil Bush. And now you know the REST of the story.
Anyway, Judson goes on to explain that some people do stupid stuff to meet other single conservatives, like getting hooked up by the Sean Hannity radio show.
Thirty years ago, the feminists succeeded in their aim of aborting all the male conservatives and John Wayne clones, leaving young female conservatives no eligible mates except for Judson. Damn that Gloria Steinem!
How odd. When I checked out the online conservative matchmaking sites, I was shocked to find that there are so many (learning of the existence of the Ann Coulter Dating Club was, all by itself, enough to floor me). I wonder why Judson couldn't find them.
Okay, now we see the purpose of this column: Judson is shilling for RepublicanConnections. No wonder he played up the difficulty of finding love during the Super Bowl Half-time show.
I visited the site. At this point it just consists of the home page (a lame graphic of an elephant and a blurb that sounds suspiciously like Judson's paragraph about what a hardworking, moral, family oriented people the conservatives are), an application page, and a legal disclaimer which informs you of the scads of things for which RepublicanConnections is not responsible (including "personal injury or death, resulting from anyone's use of the Website or the Service").
Anyway, the questionnaire used to come up RC profile only asks six questions (gender, age, Political Party, religion and/or Denomination, Profession or Education Level, and "About Me"). Of those, you are only required to answer the first two. So, it's entirely possible for a liberal (gasp!) to slip through the service's rigorous screening. Thus, you might fall in love and marry someone you met at the site, only to realize years later (after he donated all your money to the Communist Party and aborted your children) that he was actually a liberal. And so you'd kill him and then be sentenced to death yourself, but RepublicanConnections would NOT be liable, since they said in their disclaimer that they wouldn't be.
Well, that little jab should get the conservatives to cough up $20 a month, even though the service doesn't tell you many members they currently have (my guess: just Judson), doesn't let you look at any member profiles, and doesn't explain what you get for your money (except for a chance to submit your profile).
As you might recall, a couple of weeks ago Judson was moaning about having to get up early and drive to his crappy job, where they made him do tiring and/or boring stuff all day in exchange for just enough money to pay the morgage on his crappy house and put gasoline in his crappy car. So, I guess he decided that being an entrepeneur (AND humantiarian) was actually the way to the riches promised by the free market, and he quit the job at Walmart and put together a (crappy) conservative dating service.
Thanks for the thought, Judson. And I in turn hope that you make back the $50 you invested in setting up this dating scam, and get at least one date out of it, even if it's with Rush Limbaugh.
*Check out TBOGG's list of titles for Mel's movie. I think my favorite is "Crouching Jesus, Hidden Agenda."
And while you're there, scroll up and check out The Bold and the Beautiful Bush Slogan contest (as suggested by Ben Shapiro). I'm still working on mine, but I'm leaning towards a variation of the slogan Mayor Quimby used in the race against Sideshow Bob. You know the one: "Vote Quimby: If you were running for mayor, he'd vote for you." And of course, that made me think of the analogy Peggy Noonen used in the Wash Post chat (and her last column) to explain why people liked Bush, even though he was an idiot.
So, my slogan idea is: "Vote Bush: If your house was on fire, he'd stand outside and direct traffic."
The Wall Street Journal's "Opinion Journal" presents Mary Ann Glendon, "Learned Hand Professor of Law at Harvard," giving us some technical legally stuff in a piece entitled:
But since YOU presumably didn't attend Hollywood Upstairs School of Law too, let me rephrase professor some of Glendon's law jargon into regular English for you.
President Bush's endorsement of a plan to write discrimination into the Constitution should be welcomed by all Americans who are concerned about equality, and don't want homosexuals to get any. And if you don't welcome it, then you're probably a Commie.
The President had to support the ammendment because a few judges and San Francisco officials forced him into it by making the fundies threaten to not vote for him unless he did.
The gays have everything: nice houses, fashion sense, and that "Will and Grace" TV show -- and now they want to take away the only thing that poor, disabled, elderly children of MA have going for them: the fact that they can get married and the homosexuals can't.
Gay marriage isn't about equal rights, it's about giving gays SPECIAL rights -- the special rights we give to married people. Sure, that's the whole point, but, um, WE won't be special if they get to be special too. And it wouldn't be fair if they got the benefits of marriage, but don't have to deal with the disadvantages: children.
We give special rights to married people because they usually have kids. Gays don't have kids, and so deserve no special rights. But letting gays get married would mean that if they did have kids, then those kids would have two parents who are married to each other. And that discriminates against OUR kids, who will be taught in school that those other families are just as good as ours -- and if we say they aren't, everybody will say WE'RE the jerks, calling us homophobes and such, and it's our children who will suffer. Won't somebody PLEASE think of the children?
Gay marriage is religious discrimination, in that if our religion says that gays will burn in hell, then the government should back us up on this by not giving them rights. Because if same sex marriages are legal, then ministers will be forced to teach their congregations that Jesus was gay, or they will be sued for slander. I swear it's true -- I read it in a law book, or got a forwarded email about it or something. Besides, they allow gay marriages in Canada, and look what happened to them! Yes, everyone has to worship Satan, under penalty of death. I'm pretty sure that's true.
We want to live, work, and raise our children in a country that discriminates against some of its citizens, and these rogue judges aren't respecting that. In a democracy, they should have to do what we say. "The customer is always right. That's what everyone likes about us." -- Homer J. Simpson
The important thing is: whether one is against, or undecided about same-sex marriage, our President is supporting an amendment to the Constitution to outlaw it, and there is nothing you can do about it.