January 3, 2004 by s.z.

When a Stranger Calls the Fever Swamp, Part 1 By Mumsy Cox Gorgon (from an idea supplied by Scott, with additional sugestions from Dr. BDH and Sadly, No!  Dedicated to TBOGG) "Darlings, I have a special treat for you today." "Oh, goodie, Mumsy," squeals Florence enthusiastically.  "Do we get to write more letters to NPR, complaining about how their foul language has caused severe emotional distress to us gently reared children?" "More potatoes to play with, instead of dolls?" chimes in Eglantine with what sounds suspiciously like cynicism.  I attributed this new lack of gratitude to the influence of Gnat, her imaginary friend.  Gnat seems to be sadly world weary and jejune for an imaginary child of her young years.  Someday I must ask a mental health expert, like Charles Krauthammer, if I should be worried that Eglantine says Gnat is going to bomb Target and blame it on al Qaeda. But Hyacinth distracts me from my concerns about Eglantine's possibly psychosis.  "Is the treat more rice, Mumsy?  The rice we had for lunch was ever so tasty, as was the rice we had for dinner last night.  And I think it's just super that we never get to eat meat or dessert, like you and Father do, after you put us to bed and have your own private meals." "Hyacinth, you know that for Daddy, dining with children is like being John Ashcroft in a museum full of classic statues of nudes. He can scarcely speak, so great is the degree of his aesthetic suffering.  I suspect that's why he hasn't returned home since leaving for work Monday morning -- because you children have such dreadful table manners.  And the way you insist on TALKING to him when you have nothing sensible to say about the upswing of the economy!  You know how annoying he finds that."  I glared at the children for a bit, so they'd realize that it was all their fault that their father didn't love them.  Then I smiled, and told them of the surprise I'd lined up for them.  "Children, the treat is that I'm going to the office to look for Daddy, while you children stay here with a baby-sitter.  Since the local teens all seem suspiciously liberal to me and might warp your value systems by discussing the outside world, I have arranged for one of my colleagues from NRO to stay with you while I'm gone.  He can talk about math and medieval philosophy for hours, so you lucky youngsters are in for quite a delightful evening's entertainment!  Plus, he only charges $1 an hour, in an effort to undermine the economic base which allows illegal alien baby-sitters to flourish in this country." At this point, I noticed what sounded like somebody kicking down the door with steel-tipped boots.  "Darlings, I think that must be Mr. Derbyshire now.  Florence, will you let him in?" Florence ran happily to open the door, and John tramped in, wearing a T-shirt with his photo on it and the saying, "Pop Culture Is Filth."  "Meghan, what the hell is wrong with your doorbell?" he snapped as he entered our spacious yet structurally unsound living room. "I was standing out there for at least 15 minutes!" "John, please spare my children your sailor talk," I murmured for his ears only.  "They have heard nothing stronger than a 'oh, pshaw' throughout the course of their young lives, and I will not have them sullied now." He apologized for his breach of ethics, and complimented me on my home, which he said reminded him of the rotting stately manors found back in his native Britain.   I thanked him, and replied, "And I really like your shirt!  I'm certainly not jealous that Kathryn didn't feel that I deserved a product line, since that kind of thing can be so tacky.  Not that YOURS is, of course; and I'm sure Jonah was misinformed when he said that it's made in Indonesian sweat shops." John smiled thinly, and asked me if there was anything he should know before I left to find the husband who deserted me.  I informed him that my husband considers me a thinking man's crumpet, and would never desert me, but I could understand why he might need a week of peace and quiet away from the children, who could be, despite being reared in the best Victorian tradition, rather childish.  I told him that there was rice for the children's dinner in the pantry, and that there was a short in the wiring in the kitchen, so he should have one of the children turn on the lights, just in case.  I then asked Florence and Englantine to be good helpers to Derb, and got out of the house while the getting was good.  As I race-walked down the sidewalk I heard John ask the children how a gay couple would consumate their marriage, and Eglantine shriek, "Derb, Hyacinth is bleeding!"  I jumped in the car and didn't look back. [To be continued] 5:33:15 PM

Coming Attraction: Later Today: Mumsy Cox Gorgon's kids (Florence, Eglantine, Hyacinth, and little Andaluce) get a babysitter: John Derbyshire.  It should be a fun-filled romp for the whole family.  (Not for YOUR whole family, of course, because you're a competent parent and won't let your kids read such trash -- but we think her family might enjoy it.).  Stay tuned. 3:13:48 AM

Maybe Ben Shapiro Can Mentor Him WorldNetDaily's 15-year-old pundit Kyle Williams, who had been home-schooled up until this year, is dropping out of public school after one semester.  Here are the highlights from his report: I won't be returning to the government schooling system. Why? Because I'm a failure. I've fallen short of the bar, and I'm nothing short of a disappointment to society. [snip] I guess I'm just anti-social, but I've failed to accept the social experience of getting drunk, the buzz of smoking marijuana or getting high from cold medicine, and I am fruitless in the social event of impregnating teenage girls. [snip] I've refused to agree with sex education and other "health day" instructions on the part of education bureaucrats. It must be ridiculous for me to find the entire sex-education idea completely unnecessary. That's quite a 9th grade curriculum they have in Oklahoma.  I wonder if a student has to take Marijuana Buzz, NyQuil High, and Teenage Girl Impregnation in the same semester, because that seems like quite a heavy load for a freshman.  But I get the feeling that Kyle didn't even TRY, and that's what makes his dropping out so tragic. In any case, Kyle is probably right about sex education being completely unnecessary for him.  [snicker] 3:09:44 AM

What if the Mafia Ran Congress? I think it would go a little something like this: After nearly a quarter-century as one of the most conservative Democrats in Congress, Texas Rep. Ralph Hall switched parties to become a Republican and said he expects support from the White House. "I've known (President Bush) since he was a young boy. He's a Godly man. He's a Texan and he was the governor and he's our friend," Hall told The Associated Press Friday. [snip] "I think I can get re-elected much easier if I run as a Republican," Hall said. He told The Associated Press that he's always said that if being a Democrat hurt his district, he would switch or resign. He said GOP leaders had recently refused to place money for his district in a spending bill and "the only reason I was given was I was a Democrat." Nice Congressional district you have here, Mr. Hall -- be a real shame if it didn't get any Federal money, wouldn't it?  Don Bush -- he's a Godly man -- is worried about you, and about how maybe your kids will all starve when they don't get any of those Federal Hot Lunch funds.  Yeah, he and the boys all think that your re-election would be a lot easier if you were a Republican.  As in, you might be alive when those ballots get counted.  You have until the January 2, the last day to file to get your name on the Texas primary ballot, to think it over.  Make the wrong decision, and you'll be sleeping with the empty pork barrels. 2:25:44 AM