What IS the secret of Law and Order's continued popularity after more than fifteen years on the air? Simple. It takes the most lurid crimes from the more tabloidy newspapers ("They don't get any more ripped from the headlines than this," as the NBC promos exclaim), and solves them in less than 60 minutes. And usually the criminal is somebody rich and famous. For example, last Wednesday's "Law & Order" ep solved the "Great White" Fire case. Yeah, it turns out that Jack Russell's long lost daughter did it. She souped-up the pyrotechnics in an effort to help her father make it back to the big time, so he'd pay some attention to her. Sure, we don't find this out until the last 2 minutes of the episode, after the Great White frontman has been arrested and tried for several counts of murder--it's not until we're waiting for the jury to come back with the verdict that McCoy gets the idea to pressure the girl's mom into admitting why she's so sure that the girl wasn't sleeping with the faded rock star. The mother breaks down and admits that the girl is Russell's daughter, and the girl confesses that SHE did; she did it and she's GLAD! This kind of thing happens all the time on L&O, but apparently it's not at all career damaging to try the wrong people for murder week after week. That's the "Law & Order twist," which is rather like the old "Perry Mason twist" in which the person on trial for the crime is never guilty, no matter how strongly the evidence points to them, because the real murderer is always the last person you would suspect, like the baliff or Abraham Lincoln. But in this case, it was the main prosecution witness, who, as I mentioned previously, turned out to be the lead singer's long, lost daughter. I hope the police were watching and arrested her without delay. The L & O frachise consists of three seperate but equally important series: First, "Law & Order: Original Recipe" ("In the Criminal Justice System the people are represented by two separate, yet equally important groups. The police who investigate crime and the District Attorneys who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories."). Then came "L & O: Special Victims Unit," which handles sex crimes (stockbrokers found murdered while wearing S&M fetish outfits; transsexual teens who kill to protect their secret; drug-addicted rape victims who are found to have human bones in their purses, etc.). The latest entry is "Law & Order: Criminal Intent," which features Robert D'Onofrio as Detective Goren, a modern-day Sherlock Holmes who is a font of esoteric knowledge and can get even the most clever criminals to confess by cocking his head and being annoying. In case you aren't an avid L&O viewer, here are some other "ripped from the headlines" episodes from the franchise, to demonstrate what other crimes they've solved recently: L&O: During the law part, a bounty hunter who had been pursuing Revlon heir Andrew Luster is found shot to death in a sleazy motel. The cops determine that Jayson Blair did it because the Bounty Hunter figured out Blair was fabricating his stories and was going to blow the whistle on him. During the Order portion, Blair claims that affirmative action made him do it. He eventually accepts a plea deal when the prosecution threatens to subpoena his white mistress, which would prove that affirmative action DIDN'T make him do it because, um, well, it just would. L&O: CI. A different Jason Blair's white mistress is murdered. Goren intuits that she used to be the mistress of the NYT's Chief Editor, and she was helping Blair fabricate stories. And Goren soon deduces that Blair's FATHER killed the girl, but he really meant to assassinate Blair for letting down the cause of black journalists. L&O. A dead girl is found in dead in Phil Spector's house. Phil did it. We learn that Phil is actually Beach Boy Brian Wilson, and entirely dependent on his scummy psychiatrist. L&O Twist: the shrink somehow got Spector/Wilson to kill the girl, as she was going to sue him for sleeping with her. L&O: SVU. Elizabeth Smart was kidnapped by that weird Raelian sect, so she could be the surrogate mother of a cloned baby. Another girl is killed. The cult leader did it. L&O. Law part: A stock broker is found murdered. Turns out he's engaged to Martha Stewart's daughter. Turns out Martha was sleeping with him -- and she killed him because was going to turn her in for insider trading. Order: Martha says that hot flashes made her do it. She takes a plea deal when McCoy threatens to tell everyone that she uses commercial cake mixes. So, you can see the general formula: the writers take a hot case from the NY Post, change it enough that they can use the disclaimer "This story does not depict actual person or event," and include at least one death. It's a murder mystery that teaches you about the criminal justice system while also supplying you with 100% of the RDA of gossip and titillation! But anyway, since L&O is the only thing NBC is airing these days, they are going to run out of stories to rip from the headlines, even if they do some of these stories more than once (next time, that girl in Phil Spector's house can be killed by Robert Blake, because Blake and Spector swapped murders). So, I've come up with a few ideas that I hope to pitch to Dick Wolf. So, Dick, if you like any of them, give me a call and we'll work something out. L&O. Law: The Staten Island ferry boat crashes into the pier; several people are killed. The boat's captain attempts suicide before he can be questioned; later, his doctors won't let the police near him, claiming he's too traumatized to talk to the authorities. After the usual threats and roughings up, the cops get the other crew members to admit that the captain, who seemed increasingly unstable in the days prior to the crash, deliberately steered the boat into the pier. He is charged with several counts of second degree murder. Order: On the stand, the captain claims that he steered the boat into the terminal to avoid a "dirty bomb" that he saw in the harbor's water. He says he was listening to righ-wing pundit Anne Colson on the radio while piloting, and she mentioned that there was just such a bomb in NY harbor 6 months. Her story played on his fears of terrorism, already inflamed by AM talk radio, causing him to have a break with reality and to see imaginary dirty bombs. He emotionally testifies that when he realized that there was NEVER WAS a dirty bomb in New York harbor, despite what Anne had said, he was so overcome with remorse that he tried to kill himself. His doctors agree that his mental state made him a loaded weapon, and Colson pulled the triggle with her irresponsible, fear-mongering and all her talk about the dangers posed by swarthy males. McCoy charges Colson with "reckless endangerment," "lying," and "being really stupid," the jury finds her guilty, and she gets 20 years in Sing-Sing. L&O: CI. Thrush Limburger, a famous radio personality who recently got out of drug rehab, is found murdered. His associates say that his ideological opponents probably did it -- they were really cruel in their comments when he admitted having a drug problem a couple of months ago, and so just very likely to kill him for being on top again. Or maybe his former housekeeper did it, because he was going to testify against her in her upcoming narcotics trafficking trial in exchange for the charges being dropped against him. Or maybe it was terrorists. Further investigation reveals that a former protegee was trying to assume the Limburger's role as "the voice of the conservative movement," and so the protegee becomes the #1 suspect. But Shawn Hammity finally reveals his alibi (he was shooting heroin with bisexual hookers), and he is cleared. However, Goren notes that the victim had a mortar and pestle in kitchen and deduces that he was back on OxyContin -- and that if this came out it would embarrass all the right-wing pundits who had crowed about how his triumph over drugs showed that only weak-willed, morally bankrupt, poor people can't overcome addiction. Goren learns that failed standup comic Tennis Hiller has just been given his own conservative talk show. Gore figures that the pundits told Hiller that if he wanted to join their group, he would have to "take care of" Limburger. Goren gets Hiller to confess by simply letting him rant until he offers up everything thought in his head. Hiller says that he was led astray by conservatism, and is really sorry now. L&O: SVU. The body of college boy/conservative pundit Ban Stiletto is found in a seamy hotel -- his head had been bashed in with a copy of the book Yellercide: How the Liberals Gave Old Yeller Rabies. There was evidence that he'd recently had sex. The hotel manager says Stiletto was with a thin, blonde woman when he registered, but she stayed in the shadows so he didn't get a good look at her. By going through Ban's papers, the detectives learn that he'd had an online romance with somebody he'd met through a computer dating service. This mystery woman shared his right-wing views, but was even more extreme than he was; she encouraged him to abandon reason, and just give in to the hate. He fell deeply in love with her, and repeatedly try to get her to meet him. She finally agreed, and arranged a tryst for the night he was killed. DNA evidence finally comes back from the lab, and it shows that this was Ben's first sexual experience (they have very sophisticated DNA tests on SVU), and that his partner was actually . . .a man! The detectives are stymied.until they get the lab tech to blow up the photo on the jacket of Yellercide, and see that the blonde author has an Adam's apple! They interview Nan Cotton Mather, and she finally breaks down and admits that she was Ben's mystery woman, and had been with him that night. Everything had gone well . . . at FIRST! Since he was really, really inexperienced, he didn't realize that she wasn't like other women, and they performed various sex acts on each other. But after they were done and Nan was dressing, it finally dawned on Ben that women don't have penises, and he freaked out. Nan hit him with her book to get him to stop shrieking, but she didn't know that his skull was like an eggshell. The killing was an accident. She says that if only Ben could have accepted his latent homosexuality, they could have been very happy together. She blames society for being so intolerant of those whose only crime is love. L&O. Law: Two joggers out for an early morning run on Wiltshire Avenue stumble upon the body of a middle-aged, white man -- he has been shot between the head. The police soon determine that the victim was noted satirist Hal Franklin. A google search shows that Hal has been threatned a zillion times by Bully O'Liar, who hosts a talk show on the Lox News Channel. Franklin had written a book exposing O'Liar as a prevaricator, and this infuriated O'Liar. The police question O'Liar, who admits he shot Franklin but claims that it was justified homicide, as Franklin had insulted his honor -- and the code of the old west says that a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. So, he called up Franklin, arranged to meet him at dawn on the street corner. Then O'Liar donned his serape, stuck a cigar in his mouth, and used his six-shooter to gun down Franklin like the dog he was. Order: The defense pleads not guilty by reason of insanity. O'Liar fires his attorneys and defends himself. However, when he repeatedly asks witnesses, "You would agree that Franklin deserved to die --he was a defamer, somebody who is debasing our whole society--so you would say that he had to die, wouldn't you? Well, WOULDN'T YOU?" he is rebuked by the judge. O'Liar tells the judge to shut up, and threatens to cut his mike unless the judge zips his lip and realizes that this is O'Liar's show, and people have to listen to HIM here The judge has O'Liar bound and gagged, tells him he isn't competent to conduct his own defense, and reinstates O'Liar's former counsel. They ask Jack McCoy to come with them to see O'Liar in Bellevue; O'Liar is in the middle of an impassioned debate with his shoes, which apparently will not agree that they think Bully's soap and comb are plotting against him. McCoy agrees that O'Liar is unfit to stand trial, and that he should remain in Bellevue indefinitely. Serena makes some self-righteous quip, and Jack fires her. And those are just a few ideas off the top of my head. I think I could come up with enough for a whole, new series for the franchise if anybody is interested; I would call it "Law and Order: Right and Left". I will be waiting for Wolf's people to contact me. 8:58:57 AM  |
CNBC, I'm Outta Here!
Satan, Dark Lord of the Netherworld, was contacted at his corporate headquarters. He indicated that this he was instrumental in brokering the CNBC contract for Miller, who had previously signed over his soul in exhange for another shot a TV talk show. 4:09:32 AM |
Newbie Blues The NRO Corner Teame (The Corner) has weighed in on StalkerGate, and the consensus of opinion seems to be "Well, we don't much care for Atrios, but Luskin should have know better than to threaten to sue him, since it will just give Atrios more attention than WE get; plus, it was wrong to do because now we all look stupid by association." But Jonah Goldberg offered some sympathy for Don:
Yeah, I feel for Luskin too, new to the web as he is. I guess the whole internet thing passed him by until this summer, when he finally learned how to use a computer. (Or maybe he just couldn't afford one until recently, since his investment strategies never worked out.) And since the big, noisy, scary world of the internet was all quite overwhelming to him, he made the typical newbie mistake of threatening to sue a blogger whose readers said mean things about him. Well, the typical newbie troll mistake. But usually these kids don't hire lawyers when they've been cyberslapped by somebody-- they just slink away, change their screen names,and find a new Star Trek board on which to share with their small circle of admirers the truth about why Picard113 is a stupid jerk. And maybe Luskin will, like many former trolls, eventually discover girls and give up on his obsession with Krugman. I think Jonah can be a mentor to young Luskin in this respect by sharing with him more strories about transgendered poets who said they wanted to dildo him, but ended up breaking his heart when he realized they were just using him to increase their traffic numbers. Speaking of which, I think this is the one: B.C. on Gender: My Obsession with Riki Anne Wilch -- Scroll down to "Vogon Poetry." Do it for Jonah. 2:08:48 AM |
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