November 13, 2003 by s.z.

Give Ann Back Her Feeding Tube!  (Note for the record: I want heroic measures taken to keep me alive, and I demand the immediate arrest of anyone trying to remove my life support.)   11:59:37 PM

A Sean Hannity Moment And speaking of Hannity and Colmes, I'd now like to share with you today's "Sean Hannity Moment" from Sean Hannity Biography, a tribute written by a fan who has taken all the biographical crap that Sean has said on his radio shows and compiled it into one document: In high school he was known as a big mouth. He was constantly getting into debates with everyone. He says most of his classmates didn't think he would ever amount to much. When he was 17 he took a job working as a bartender until 4 am much to his father's chagrin. He would come home at 6am some nights after hanging out with his friends and his dad would always say, "This is not your flop house!". [snip] He had a strong catholic upbringing and even went to seminary school to become a Catholic priest, but eventually changed his path. He hasn't abandoned his faith saying the first thing he does every morning is pray and is a regular church goer. I hope you have enjoyed this Sean Hannity moment.  Tune in tomorrow for another important lesson from Sean Hannity. 6:13:32 AM

Dennis Miller Says Show Will Not be Fair and Balanced;  Fox Says Don Roger Not Pleased In this little piece in Newsday, Dennis Miller explains who he is (a jerk), and shares his new idea for his talk show (crushing people's heads with his fingers):  In his now-standard response to the question of personal politics, he explains: "I'm conservative on a couple of things - you should be able to keep one out of every two dollars you make, and I'd like us to pre-emptively croak bad guys before they come here and kill us. Other than that, I'm pretty liberal." He's also a "big Bush fan. He's my president and I'm proud of him. ... I don't want my guy to be neurotic about protecting us." At least for prospective guests of his new show, there's a pragmatic reason for knowing Miller's political stripe. The reason is, he's toying with the idea of a split screen, in which his face occupies one side and an interview subject the other half. Those he agrees with will fill their entire half of the screen. Those he does not agree with will be shrunk - steadily, presumably until their head becomes a dot, and then disappears from the screen altogether. As he puts it, "if you make a cogent point, I will blow you up a little ... I'll also have a dimmer." [snip] Miller promises comedy and invective, satire and assault. The show, he also explains, "will not be fair and balanced. If I disagree with someone, I can be unfair and unbalanced. ... In America, we're so interested in keeping things balanced that we've lost our minds." Miller's abrupt departure from Fox News, where he had provided weekly essays for Hannity & Colmes, also was a dangerous move - for Miller, that is. Fox has never been particularly shy about blasting defectors, and when Miller called late one afternoon last month to say he had accepted the CNBC offer, Fox executives were stunned. They quickly iced the last seven essays he was under contract to write (Miller says there were only three left), and neither party has spoken since. "Frankly, when we deal with talent we usually have better conversations before someone leaves," says Kevin Magee, Fox's vice president of programming. "I don't think he'll have as many viewers as he had on Hannity & Colmes, but we'll figure out some way to fill those three minutes and move on." Later that day, Magee sent Dennis a little Sicilian message -- something about fishes. 5:56:18 AM

Can YOU Solve the Case? Sleuth Along With Jonah! I accidentally deleted yesterday's report from Jonah, in which he explained that while part of the National Review cruise to the Panama Canal, Norman Podhoretz was murdered!  And the other NR speakers are the only suspects, since only they had keys to the room where Poddy was found by Kate O'Beirne, stabbed to death.  Norman was apparently planning to meet someone there, but whether it was Kate or someone else is as yet unknown.  But now Kate has been killed!  Who is killing the great neo-cons of America So, who do you think did it?   And who will be next?  Will anybody care?  Is the CIA behind it, or is that just what the White House WANTS you to think? Tune in tomorrow for another exciting chapter of AND THEN THERE WERE LESS. 4:42:39 AM

Rush "Totally Pumped, Super Psyched" Returning to Air Monday  Yes, that's what brother David Limbaugh told Matt Drudge today: MATT DRUDGE: It is Matt Drudge sitting in for Limbaugh here on the EIB Network. A celebration of freedom, of liberty, of the excitement of being alive, and speaking of that, let's go straight to our - what shall we call it? Our hotline? Our "very" hotline? Our "super" hotline? David Limbaugh, good afternoon, wherever you may be. [snip] DAVID LIMBAUGH: Okay. Well, I've got a real exciting announcement that I think we've all been waiting to hear since October 10th when Rush told us all, the public and the EIB audience about his problem and his determination to do something about it - and I want to tell you that everything continues to be on schedule and is going as planned. I'm happy to tell you, in fact, that Rush has successfully completed the first phase of his treatment, and he's going to be back at work and once again be behind the EIB Golden Microphone starting this Monday, November 17th.   [snip] He's obviously chomping at the bit to get back to doing what he does best, and that's getting back on the air so he can begin to dialogue with you and tell you these things himself. And as you can imagine, there are one or two other things that he probably will have on his mind that he'll want to share and talk about that are beyond the scope of this report that I'm giving here today. But in case anybody is wondering, Rush will be hosting all three hours right from the start. He plans to hit the ground running and do the full, five day a week schedule into the foreseeable future. He's all excited. He's totally pumped up and mindful of the challenges ahead, and he's super psyched and ready to get back. So your patience and your understanding and your sympathy and your trust are about to be rewarded, as Rush will be back starting this Monday. Well, I think my understanding and sympathy would be better rewarded if he announced that he was giving up all the things that contributed to his addiction, like celebrity and the radio show, and was devoting his life to feeding the poor.    But what do you suppose those "one or two other things" that he'll want to share with the world on Monday could be?  Any bets that they're more in the nature of "Hillary Clinton is running for President, and boy is she ugly," rather than, "I see now that I was wrong about so many things"? Oh, and is Matt Drudge the most annoying guy on the EIB who ISN'T actually Rush Limbaugh, or can somebody else claim that honor? 3:50:15 AM