No Rest for the Wicked
NEED YOU AGAIN [Kathryn Jean Lopez]
Another NRO Store line we want you to have: Corner-specific mugs and things. The question: What do you want them to say? Some starters: I Wake Up with The Corner...Cornerite and Proud...I Was Quoted in The Corner and all I got was this lousy t-shirt ...LEGACY...LEGACY...LEGACY...LEEEEEEEEGGGGGG...Break the Star Trek Ban.
Send your suggestions TODAY and we'll get it rolling for you.
My suggestions: "The Corner: Dunce Cap Implied." Or "Down in the Corner, Full of deceit, Jonah and the idiot kids are playing, Pay your nickel, Join the elite." (Apologies to CCR.)
But I'm sure you can come up with something better.
8:48:03 AM
comment []
Info You Won't Get from Goldberg or Lileks, Like My Choice of Cold Medication
And while I'm thanking people, I'd like to thank all of you for not pointing out all of my misspellings, grammatical mistakes, and other assorted errors, which are worse this week than usual, because I am still suffering from the virus my mother brought back from West Virginia (and gave to me instead of typically West Virginian memento, like, um, a low per capita income). It's been nearly a week, and I still am taking cold medication every 6-8 hours. Today I bought TheraFlu, reasoning that since it's expensive, it probably works better than the store-brand Pseudoephedrine and Triprolidine Hydrochloride I've been taking -- plus, I have a cough now, and need something to heavily medicate it so I can get some sleep.
Anyway, while the various cold symptoms are bad enough, even worse is learning that Jonah Goldberg and James Lileks ALSO have colds right now. Jonah went on that National Review Death Cruise to Panama (with a baby) and came back with a cold. James Lileks went to Las Vegas (with a small girl child) and came back with a cold. My mother went to West Virginia to visit some children (my nephews, all boys), and now I have a cold. Life just isn't fair. If I have to suffer with a stuffed-up nose, headache, and sore throat, I should have AT LEAST got to travel first. Without babies, though.
P.S. The last time I watched "Hannity & Whos-it," Colmes had a bad case of laryngitis, apparently from a cold. And then Rush was being investigated for money laundering, Scott Peterson was ordered to stand trial for murdering his wife, and Michael Jackson was arrested for child molestation. I know this all means something!
6:48:30 AM
comment []
Our Favorite Person in Philadelphia
We want to thank Jim of the Rittenhouse Review for his very kind mention of this blog, and for his suggestion that Tom of TBOGG and I host a Sunday morning "week in review" TV show -- I guess we'd have to wear paper bags over our heads to protect our anonymity, but I'd do it, as long as we weren't on Fox. ("Stay tuned to Fox News for 'Week in Review With Two Liberals With Bags Over Their Heads.' Part of Fox's once-a-week-at-six-AM committment to bringing you fair and balanced coverage of the issues.")
If we did get such a show, I'd invite Mr. Rittenhouse to be a regular guest. This week he could explain Tina Brown's latest Washington Post piece. While I haven't read it, based on his fine deconstruction of Tina's work, I'd say it has something to do with the new business wisdom being that people are hungering for tangible ventables, and that power is a hologram. And that the Force has power over weak minds. Something like that.
Anyway, thanks, Jim!
6:22:51 AM
comment []
But At Least Boston Wasn't Invaded by Communists. Or Terrorists.
F.B.I. Used Killers as Informants, Report Says
A report issued yesterday by the House Committee on Government Reform gave the fullest accounting to date of the F.B.I.'s use of murderers as informants in Boston for three decades and its protection of them even to the point of allowing innocent men to be sentenced to death.
The Federal Bureau of Investigation's policy "must be considered one of the greatest failures in the history of federal law enforcement" and had "disastrous consequences," the report said.
[snip]
The F.B.I.'s policy of using murderers grew out of a belated effort by Director J. Edgar Hoover to go after the Mafia, which Mr. Hoover had earlier denied even existed, the report said. So in the early 1960's the bureau began recruiting underworld informers in its new campaign.
The report focuses heavily on one episode, the 1965 murder of Edward Deegan, a small-time hoodlum, who was killed by Jimmy Flemmi and Joseph Barboza, who had just been recruited by an F.B.I. agent in Boston, H. Paul Rico.
The F.B.I. knew the two men were the killers because it had been using an unauthorized wiretap at the headquarters of the New England Mafia in Providence, R.I., and had heard Mr. Flemmi ask the Mafia boss, Raymond Patriarca, for permission to kill Mr. Deegan. A few days later Mr. Deegan was shot to death.
The F.B.I. was so intent on protecting its new informants, the report said, that it passed up a chance to try Mr. Patriarca for his involvement in the killing. Instead, four men who had nothing to do with the killing were tried and convicted, with two sentenced to death and two to life in prison. Two of the men later died in prison, and two had their sentences commuted and were freed after serving 30 years behind bars.
Mr. Hoover was kept fully informed about this murder and the wrongful convictions, the report said.
Yeah, J. Edgar truly was one of the "heroes of the Cold War," like Ann Coulter wrote. Reportedly, when Richard Nixon, one of Ann's other "heroes," heard the news of Hoover's death, he exclaimed, "Jesus Christ! That old cocksucker!" which seems a more appropriate epitaph than the one Ann gave him.
Anyway, I'm sure that Hoover thought that the "greater good" was being served by letting four innocent men be convicted of the crime in order to protect their informant, who could tell the Bureau prevent even worse crimes. I don't think he did, though.
To me, that's why it's scary to give individuals too much power, and to let them, in secret, decide what the "greater good" is for the rest of us-- we can lose the basic principles that America was founded on. John Ashcroft, I'm talkin' to you!
6:00:26 AM
comment []
Helping the Unfortunate
And speaking of being helpful, War Liberal is trying to find ex-judge Roy Moore a job by scouring the want-ads in the local papers. His lastest lead for Roy: they need waitresses and dancers at the "Babes Lounge."
Mac's quest sounds like a worthy endeavor; helping those terminated for stupidity find suitable work is truly a Christian undertaking. So, I checked out Monster.com for all listings which mention God: you know, positions where the job duties would include acknowledging God, making laws based on God, and/or playing God. Surprisingly, a nation-wide search for "God" turned up quite a few leads.
It seems that there are dozens of openings with the "Family Christian Store" chain ("Family Christian Stores, building a world-class business with people who are passionately crazy about the ministry opportunities we offer! We work together as partners who belong to God.") There aren't any positions in Alabama, but maybe Roy could relocate to NC, or TX, or another nearby state and be a "Store Manager Trainee." While Roy doesn't have the requisite "3-5 years of multi-unit retail management experience" in the "Specialty, Hobby, Crafts, DIY or General Merchandise" areas, I figure all his time spent on the Ten Commandments Monument stuff should count for "hobby" AND "crafts." But since Manager Trainees "Must possess strong problem-solving skills and conflict management ability," I guess Roy really wouldn't be right for the job.
There were also a couple of openings in Godfather's Pizza franchises, some positions in various Christian pyramid schemes ("We are initiating a new business program called Building God's Way, a faith based approach, to gain market share in the Christian School and Church construction market"), and one as a band instrument buyer in "God's country" (which is apparently Portland, OR). While they don't sound that promising, Roy should keep them in mind if nothing opens up in the demagoguery field.
I couldn't find any openings for "Chief Judge," but there was a position titled "Be the Judge!" which sounded right up Roy's alley; alas, it turned out to be some kind of commissioned salesman thing.
So, all in all, I think Roy had better apply for the dancer job at the "Babes Lounge." I turn this job search back over to War Liberal.
4:20:23 AM
comment []
Or Maybe a Derb Line of Leather Fetish Gear?
Our hero and role-model TBOGG alerts us to the fact that the NRO Corner's Jonah needs our help once again:
HELP [ Jonah Goldberg]
The suits want me to come up with some ideas for Jonah and/or Cosmo related merchandise. I find this prospect equal parts flattering and weird. I really don't want people wearing my mug on their clothes -- at least not prominently. What I really need are two things: tasteful, clever, and reasonable ideas (a Cosmo blimp, for example, is not reasonable), and short quotes from me that people think might make for good fodder for coffee cups, t-shirts etc. I've been looking thrrough the couple lists of "Jonah quotes" on the web and all of them are just too long to work. This is all very odd, I know. But if you have ideas or nominations, please send them along.
Okay, Jonah, we have a few ideas. First, we looked over several (well, two) of your recent pieces, and we found some memorable quotes in this one: Sessions with Jonah. While we particularly liked the section on which National Review editor would be eaten first if you all crashed in the Andes (you said it wouldn't be you, because "I'm huge, and deadly when cornered"), we found another quote in this same article that seems to capture a truth that many of your readers can relate to. We suggest pairing it with a Simpsons image, because we all know how much you like "The Simpsons." So, imagine the following on an XXXL Beefy T-Shirt:
"So yes, sometimes I miss human contact —
except when I see the horror on small children's
faces when they see me emerge from my hovel,
blinking into the sunlight —
but I don't lack for human interaction."
-- Jonah Goldberg
Or maybe, as TBOGG suggested, something making reference to your mother, to whom you owe everything (well, her and Linda Tripp). I loved your old Mothers' Day piece which began, "When I was in first grade, my mom used to draw a whale on my brown paper lunch bag — a reference to the fact that my name is Jonah." I think that quote, along with one of Lucianne's whales, printed on a brown paper bag would make an adorable retro lunch tote for your many NRO fans, particularly the ones who keep asking for more James Lilkes'-like stories about your dog, your baby, and all the fascinating details of your daily routine. I know K.Lo would buy a gross of them!
And speaking of Mothers' Day (and also going back to your "classic" era), how about a card for that holiday with this on the front cover:
"I know my mother did the right thing."--Jonah Goldberg
Inside, it would say: "Mother, for passing on to me your political astuteness, your right-wing ideology, and your money, I thank you this day. And I don't mind saying it slowly and clearly for the tape recorder!"
I also liked this phrase you came up with to describe how you helped Mom in those heady Monica-tape days : "Cute little boy sidekick of the vast right-wing conspirator." I think you should use it, along with your photo, for a line of baby wear, similiar to the one Bill O'Reilly put just in time for Christmas. Or maybe you could copy O'Reilly by putting this phrase on a doormat. Anyway, I suggest looking at all the Fox stuff and taking notes.
And our other friend John Derbyshire is also hard at work in The Corner, having his readers assemble their favorite quotes that can be used on his line of NRO merchandise:
DERB QUOTES [John Derbyshire]
Many thanks to all. I now have a vast file of Derb quotes. Definitely enough for a talking doll--I shall contact the manufacturers.
Some favorites, each mentioned many times over:
*** Journalists are scum.
*** Is this any way for free people to live?
*** Cry Havoc! And let slip the appropriate dogs.
*** I don't see how you can ever have enough nukes.
*** I do have some opinions that aren’t very respectable.
*** Like any honest reactionary, I loathe the _New York Times_.
*** For most people, college education is a waste of time and money.
*** The ducks aren't ever going to line up. The ducks are trying to kill you.
*** American society is increasingly a conspiracy of the smart against the dumb.
*** Marriage is one of those things that works best when people don't think about it too much.
*** The Middle East contains three hundred million people, and most of them are crazy as coots.
*** Carve into your mind in great stone letters: This nation is the hope, and the conscience, of the world.
*** Let's face it, in the great 20th-century struggle between the state and the individual, the state has won, game, set, and match.
*** The fact is that political stupidity is a special kind of stupidity, not well correlated with intelligence, or with other varieties of stupidity.
*** Wherever there is a jackboot stomping on a human face there will be a well-heeled Western liberal to explain that the face does, after all, enjoy free health care and 100 percent literacy.
*** I want to live among people who can read, write, give correct change and name the capital of their state. Beyond that, I think education is a luxury that people should pay for themselves.
*** Stereotypes are, in fact, merely one aspect of the mind's ability to make generalizations, without which science and mathematics, not to mention much of everyday life, would be impossible.
*** This is life. People stumble and grope blindly hither and thither, wondering if they did the right thing, occasionally knocking something over and hoping no-one noticed, striving for illusory goals, addled with guilt and insecurity.
*** Look at our fool diplomats, poring over their treaties and resolutions and communiqués, while young men with burning eyes slip silently into our cities with boxes, canisters, cargoes, vials, and suitcases curiously heavy. Look at this proud tower! And feel its foundations tremble.
*** Does it not occur to you...that by purging all sacred images, references, and words from our public life, you are leaving us with nothing but a cold temple presided over by the Goddess of Reason -- that counterfeit deity who, as history has proved time and time and time again, inspires no affection, retains no loyalties, soothes no grief, justifies no sacrifice, gives no comfort, extends no charity, displays no pity, and offers no hope, except to the tiny cliques of fanatical ideologues who tend her cold blue flame?
While these are all great, and would make groovy phrases coming from the guts of one of those talking action figures (the Derb doll and the Ann doll would make a fabulous couple), I think a couple of these quotes could be on other items. For instance, the one about the ducks trying to kill you could be used on a poster for a child's room, with an illustration from Beatrix Potter.
Or how about a this for a mouse pad:
"I don't see how you can ever have enough nukes." --John Derbyshire
Anyway, just some ideas for you guys to discuss with Kathryn and the suits. I wish you much success in merchandizing your cults of personality, and in exemplifying all that is hip, cool, and youthful about the conservative movement.
3:17:38 AM
No comments:
Post a Comment