November 5, 2003 by s.z.

Democrat Senator Zell Miller Slams Dem Intel Memo as 'First Cousin' to Treason Hey, did I call it or what?  All without the benefit of Ann Coulter 11:40:40 PM

Anti-Bush Plot Revealed!  Terror Efforts Compromised!  Politics in War Time!  And They Would Have Gotten Away With it, If it Hadn't Been for Sean Hannity! Well, the more hysteric-prone elements of right are beside themselves in rightous anger about a memo  that somebody gave to Sean Hannity.  Somehow Newsmax got the full text: Dem Intel Committee Memo Reveals Anti-Bush Plot.  When you have anonymous sources giving documents to Hannity, and Newsmax is getting scoops, something is not right. The memo outlines how Democrats could use intelligence provided to Senate Select Committee on Intelligence to reveal "the misleading, if not flagrantly dishonest, methods and motives of senior administration officials who made the case for unilateral preemptive war."  Vice Chairman Jay Rockefeller said "The draft memo leaked to the press today was written by staff and was likely taken from a waste basket or through unauthorized computer access. The draft memo was not approved nor was it shared with any member of the Senate Intelligence Committe, or anyone else." And that seems quite possible to me: some staffer, trying to show everyone how clever he or she could be, came up with some ideas of how the pre-war intelligence could be used to make "the other guys" look bad.  Not a good thing to do, and I would hope that whoever wrote this memo is removed from SSCI -- as is whoever was stupid enough to throw something like this in the trash, or to leave it on an unsecured computer where somebody with a crush on Sean Hannity could find it.  (Congressional staffers are the WORST about following routine security measures to protect classified information, and it comes back to bite them in incidents like this.)  While this memo is embarassing to the Democrats, especially SSCI members, it is also embarassing to SSCI Chairman Pat Roberts, since it portrays him as somebody who could be used ("we can pull the majority along until we decide to pull the trigger").  Already the fine folks at Lucianne are calling for his resignation. While interviewing Roberts today (Political Agenda Behind Iraq Intel Probe?), Hannity did all he could to make it a big deal: HANNITY: Senator, I've got to be honest. It seems that these people that wrote this did not learn a thing from 9/11. It doesn't matter, as you point out, what your interim report is going to say. They already have a plan. They are already going to attack it, and then they're going to launch an independent investigation, regardless of what the conclusion is here. He asks Roberts if he plans to subpoena computers and documents to see if Rockefeller is telling the truth about this being a memo written by a staffer, and that the copy Hannity got came from a garbage can or somebody's computer.  Roberts says it's not important how the document became public (no, of course not, because if some Republican staffer is scouring the SSCI trash, it won't look too good).  But Hannity still wants to get into the matter of who wrote it--a staffer . . or somebody else!  (Somebody at Lucianne already has the mastermind identified as Hillary Clinton.) HANNITY: But do you believe it's from a staffer or do you believe this goes much higher up? Because the reading of it, in my mind, clearly, this is not a staffer Roberts says Rockefeller's staff is preparing a report on it, and he's going to wait for that.  Hannity (who apparently sees himself as both Woodward AND Bernstein), wants to emphasize that this is BAD: HANNITY: Senator, we are at war. I cannot believe that the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence has so politicized things. This is what this document is about, attacking the president. Not looking for an honest answer to honest questions, but politicizing the war while the commander in chief is leading our men and women and putting them in harm's way. I can think of nothing more repugnant than what I read here in this memo. Yes, it IS the most repugnant thing ever.  Already Lucianne's people are calling it WAY worse that the Plume affair, because,even though nothing has actually been leaked and no information has been used improperly (since the White House has failed, as yet, to turn it over to the Committee), the Democrats THOUGHT about politicizing intelligence.  And they aren't the only ones calling this the worst thing ever!  Here's Mewsmax, with: Intel Chair Roberts: Dem Memo May Have Compromised Terror War   Committee Chairman Pat Roberts, R-Ks., said late Tuesday that Democrat members of his panel may have compromised the global war on terrorism. Referring to a memo revealing the Democratic plot obtained Tuesday afternoon by radio host Sean Hannity, Roberts told the Fox News Channel that the document may have "all sorts of repercussions for intelligence agencies all throughout the world and certainly does a disservice in regards to the war against terrorism." So, Roberts didn't actually say that the Dems have have compromised the war on terrorism.  He said that the memo did it a "disservice," meaning that it probably made the French laugh at us, assuming that they heard about it, which might make it harder for us to feel superior to them when we want to.  Actually, so far Roberts has seemed to be handling things well, mentioning the need to be bi-partisan, even though he does have some moments of indignation at how the other side talked about using him. So for real bluster we go to Senator Jon Kyl of Arizona (per NRO Cornerite John J. Miller (KYL ATTACKS ):  "This strategy memo lays bare what we've started to see for some time: an orchestrated effort by Democrats at a time of war to improperly use an intelligence investigation as a weapon against President Bush. The memo completely shreds Democrats' claims of bipartisanship in this investigation and falsely attributes ugly motives to the President, members of his administration, and fellow members of Congress. It has reached conclusions about this investigation before it's even been concluded. The Senate should examine whether its rules have been violated by this memo. It is, for example, improper under Senate rules to impugn the motives of fellow Senators. Fox News has more quotes from outraged Republicans (GOP Slams Dems for Politicizing Iraq Intel): "There's no question this is totally politics," Sen. Trent Lott (search), R-Miss., told Fox News. "For the Democrats to come out with this blatantly political document … is totally irresponsible and it really has damaged, for now at least, the relationship between Republicans and Democrats on the intelligence committee and to do the job we need to do." But John Kyd is still the best at this kind of thing: "I never saw the kind of blatant partisan politics that has apparently emerged as revealed in this memo," Sen. John Kyl.  R-Ariz., said on the Senate floor. "It is a disgusting possibility that members of the Senate would try to politicize intelligence, especially at a time of war ... it is reprehensible." And some Democrats are mad too, as they should be.  It really is wrong.  But since apparently it was just one person saying what they COULD do (if they ever got pre-war intelligence which revealed the country was mislead into going to war), I don't think it's that big a deal, in the scheme of things (like when you compare it to the Plame matter).  But the day is still young.  I bet you'll hear the Democratic Party accused of treason before nightfall.  And that's even before Ann Coutler weighs in! 1:05:57 PM

Porn Update: Per an A.P. story dated yesterday,  there really IS a New Reality TV Show to find Porn Star, like Dave Berg said.  However, it's going to be called "Can YOU Be a Pornstar?", not "Who Wants to be a Porn Star?" And it's going to be on pay-per-view, not network TV.  And since Jenna Jameson allegedly wouldn't host it, they had to settle for former California gubernatorial candidate Mary Carey, along with fellow adult-film stars Tabitha Stevens and Ginger Lynn. So, maybe Dave was right about how our world is becoming totally pornified.  Or not.  But at least this news demonstrates that there is still honest work available to people who lose California state elections.   And maybe, just maybe, there will be a place for Arnold if his current job doesn't work out for him. 7:56:34 AM

Here's our Alambama news for the day, just for Scott: President Bush was in Birmingham yesterday, raising money (he reportedly took in $1.85 million).  Per the official transcript of his remarks (Bush-Cheney 2004 Luncheon), he said stuff like "I came to this office to solve problems, instead of passing them on to future presidents and future generations" and "I will continue to advance our agenda of compassionate conservatism."  He also said the following: As my strong supporters, you've got to know that I know I've got a job to do. And so when you start laying the grassroots organization, and you go to your coffee shops and your houses of worship and your farm implementation dealership, you tell them the President is doing the job. I just have to ask (since he's said it about five times now during this little expedition to the South), where the heck did Bush get the idea that farm implement dealerships are the present-day salons where people get together to discuss politics and exhange witty bon mots?  I live in an area where the majority of people make their living from farming, but I guarantee you that if you went over to the John Deere shop and ran up to whoever was there (which would probably just be old Mitch Olson, the salesman, and maybe my brother-in-law Glenn, looking for a new clutch for his old model 298-A) and told them "The President is doing the job!" they would look at you blankly while they tried to figure out what you were talking about (Your prize bull was doing his part to ensure there'd be calves in the spring?  Your new laxative was effective? LaDwight, the bank president, was in the restoom?)  And then Mitch would try to sell you a riding lawnmower or something, while Glenn asked you if you'd ever considered replacing the President with artificial insemination. But maybe things are different in Mississippi and Alambama.  I'll have to task Scott to hang out at the local combine store and found out.  7:31:01 AM

Operation Enduring Sequels Well, it's good news from Iraq again.  School are open.  Electricity has been restored.  No helicopters got shot down today (that we know of) .  And yet, many soldiers say they don't think fighting this war has been all that worthwhile.  They indicate that their morale is low and they are getting out of the military as soon as their current obligation is complete.  Reservists (who only joined up for some badly-need extra money, in exhange for one weekend a month drilling and two weeks a summer painting  jeeps) are reportedly becoming discouraged as the date of their release keeps getting pushed backward.  Replacements for weary soldiers (who have been in combat conditions for nearly a year) are badly needed.  But some army recruiters report that they are finding it difficult to sign up people because of fears -- often parental -- that they might be assigned to Iraq and die and stuff.  Experts warn that it's way too soon to leave the Iraqis on their own with only the admonition of "try and keep things democratic and non-terrorist now that we're gone."  After all, it's our responsibility to maintain order in the country under the "you broke it, you bought it" policy that was clearly indicated by the sign on the wall.  And those NATO troops that Rumsfeld says he'd rather have than American soldiers (who have relatives who might vote against Bush if get killed) apparently all just called in sick or something, and so seem unlikely to show up anytime soon. Therefore, since there's every indication that our efforts to "lift whole nations by spreading freedom" are going to take a while, how are we going to meet our need for soldiers?  Especially ones who won't complain about poor health care, low pay, and a lack of benefits? Well, once again, Hollywood has shown us the answer: Attack Clones!  Yes, we need our own army of Lucas-designed mass produced, easily assembled killer droids that are basically as disposable as Bic Razors.  One would think that for $87 billion we'd get them AND one of those cool pod racer games. So, in the spirit of helping the government create excellence by emulating the practices of a successful Empire, we suggest that the following report from Subliminal Cinema (prepared by intelligence analyst Scott C. before he went undercover in deepest Alabama) be required reading at the Pentagon this week:  Attack of the Clones Tagline: A Jedi shall not know anger. Nor hatred. Nor love. Nor how to act. In Episode II, visionary filmmaker George Lucas continues his six volume pensées on good and evil. In this installment, he examines Man’s age-old struggle against the forces of petulance. The Galactic Republic is on the verge of war. Hundreds of star systems are being urged to secede by the mysterious Count Dooku. A former Jedi Knight, Dooku turned to the Dark Side after his fellow Jedi repeatedly pointed out that his name sounds like the stuff you find in an overloaded pair of Pampers. Meanwhile, Padme Amidala, who was the teen queen of Naboo in the previous film, is now a member of the Galactic Senate. She arrives for quorum call in a stainless steel B-52 that promptly blows up and she dies. Well. That wasn’t as bad as I thought. Let me just grab my coat and we’ll— Oh. Wait. Damn. It was just a day player dressed in a goofy costume—apparently Lucas is still playing 3-Card Padme with the audience. However, the assassination attempt gives the Chancellor (future Emperor Palpatine) the chance to assign Padme two bodyguards: Obi-Wan Kenobi (even more wan than usual), and unstable Tiger Beat coverboy Anakin Skywalker. [To read the rest of this movie summary, go here: Attack of the Clones So, Attack Clones: now that people dare to eat genetically modified carrots, their time has arrived.  The only question now is who to clone.  As the movie demonstrated, building an army of stupid, whiny people only hurts you in the end, because their clones grow up to freeze Han Solo in carbonite.  (Or something like that -- the person writing this postscript, through the wonders of selective amnesia, has virtually no memory of this movie after just one year.)  So, where to do get several thousand non-wimpy soliders, ones  who won't complain to Stars & Stripes about how the crummy conditions, lack of a clearly defined mission, and not enough training are bumming them out? Simple.  We clone Ann Coulter. After all, she is highly motivated to kill swarthy people, is barely literate (so is unlikely to even know that Stars & Stripes is conducting a survey, much less answer the questions coherently), and doesn't eat very much. Plus, she's all for soldiers just sucking it up and getting back to work, even going so far as to consider death no more than "mussed hair."  Here are some of her remarks from when she was on MSMBC's "Saturday Final with Lawrence O’Donnell."  While it was a a couple of months ago, I doubt she's changed much since then: COULTER: I think the rebuilding is going extremely well. Douglas MacArthur was in Japan five years after V.J. Day. There were enormous casualties in Germany after World War II. The rebuilding is actually going quite well compared to past efforts. And really, all we’re getting from Democrats is constant carping and the sudden discovery that life is hard.  Yeah, the rebuilding is going to be hard. But I think the American people understand that. Liberals don’t. And on the basis of their original observation that life is hard, they demand that they be put in the White House.   . . . But you didn’t get a lot of carping from the Republicans when American soldiers were being shot in Germany, and they were miserable in Germany. They wanted to come home. They were-they were cold, they were tired, they were being shot at by young Nazis. But we knew we had to do it and we knew we had to do when we went into Iraq. This rebuilding is very important. It is a crucial part of the war on terrorism. These are the same arguments, the precise same arguments that were being made before the war. It’s going to be a quagmire. What is the plan? When do we get out? How much is it going to cost? Someone in the military might get his hair mussed. We heard all these arguments. . .But it's going magnificently well. So, an army of cloned Ann Coulters.  That should scare the insurgants silly.  Or, if we're not ready for that, just send Ann to Iraq.  I know she's ready to do her bit for this crucial part of the war on terrorism. 6:12:16 AM

New From K-Tel! I've put up links to some of our most popular stories over in the "Greatest Hits!" section, which you will find to the left of your screen.  I'll do some more later, after I recover from the Excedrin headache I developed while trying to deduce what I did to the code to make all the links disappear (I never did figure it out, but since I've learned to save a copy of the code the way it was before I started to mess with it, I was able to just start all over again).  So, go read these fine features, because if you haven't seen them, they're new to you!  If you HAVE seen them, um, then they're reruns -- but GOOD reruns.  12:54:15 AM