The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, world-o-crap.com (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Friday, January 21, 2011

May 5, 2006 by s.z.


Somehow in the period that my life has gone to the dogs, I missed a very informative Doug Giles’ column. Since it contains some information about dames that you really need to know, I thought it would be worth our time to review it at this time.
Anyway, the piece is Doug’s review of the latest volume in the Regnery series “The Moron’s Guide to Politically Incorrect Drivel for Idiots.” This installment is by Carrie Lukas, a V.P. at the Independent Barefoot ‘n Pregnant Women’s Forum, and it’s called The Politically Incorrect Guide to Women, Sex and Feminism. Doug loves it, of course, because he believes it wants to make him sandwiches, bear his children, and admire his manly prowess with the blow dryer.
Here’s an aside from Doug:
BTW . . . have you ever seen a feminist around a womanly woman and not one of her butch buddies who’s sporting a Tim Allen haircut? (Question: If feminists and lesbians hate men like they do, why do they try to look like us?) They always have that tsk-tsk, you poor oppressed dupe look on their face . . . y'know, that furrowed brow stare that's a combination of pity and derision.
If YOU have any idea why women always have that expression on their faces when they’re around Doug, please let him know what might be causing this phenomenon.
Wait, Doug gives us a clue in the very next paragraph!
Anyway, back to Lukas' book.
Another cool thing about The Politically Incorrect Guide to Women, Sex and Feminism is that it was a young, accomplished woman, who also happens to be a happy wife and mother, who penned this work of non-fiction. These are not the crayon scribblings of some repressed, backwoods, barefoot, unenlightened Ellie Mae Clampett, but rather a girl who got her bachelor's at Princeton, her Masters at Harvard and did it without drinking the lesbians --I mean the feminists--Kool Aid.
Yeah, the cool thing is that this book was written by a real “womanly woman” who, wonder of wonders, isn’t an illiterate hick! And she went to college , and yet probably isn’t even a lesbi-feminazi! What are the odds! (I hope Carrie felt a surge of pride when she noted Doug’s delighted amazement at her ability to go to school, write a book about traditional roles for women, and wear shoes.)
But now for the best part of the piece: Doug’s stunning insights into what women really want:
This book is going to liberate ladies to be ladies; and contrary to the propaganda belched forth via our universities and MSM, there are a whole lot of lassies who:
1. Like being a woman, in a traditional sense. *I'll take a Katharine McPhee over a Hillary any day.
By using Google, I learned that Miss McPhee is a young “American Idol” contestant who is known more for her looks than her singing. And while some lassies might indeed prefer to be on a reality TV show than to serve as a U.S. senator, I don’t know why this would be seen as a good thing. (And I’m guessing that the person quoted as taking a Katharine over a Hillary is Doug, trying to demonstrate his hetero creds.)
2. Don't think men are the enemy.
3. Like a guy to be a guy, i.e., masculine and not metrosexual. Men who don't have a feminine side. A guy who hasn't "learned to cry".
*I tried crying in front of my wife one time. It moved her for about twenty seconds. Then she told me to cut the crap and get my act together because she was not going to be married to a poodle. Yes, there are millions of girls who celebrate the difference!
I’m guessing Doug’s wife frequently has to tell him to cut the crap and quit crying just because Dr. Mike hasn’t invited him on any more camping trips.
4. (Believe it or not) Like men to the bread winners, who are intellectually robust and who can kick some punk's butt if it needs kickin'. *The other day, me and a buddy of mine nearly opened up a big can a whup a** on a couple of guys who were making obscene gestures towards my wife and daughters. All my girls loved it, and my wife thanked me later.
Doug really taught those six-year-old punks a thing or two about playing “This is the Church, This is the Steeple” around Doug’s wife and daughters!
5. Look to their husband's to provide rather than looking to the feminists' sugar daddy, Uncle Sam.
REAL women don’t provide for themselves, don’t think for themselves, and can’t ignore obscene gestures on their own. That’s why they are need to be kept on pedastals.
6. Would like to see a return to chivalry and romance. Who like being courted, pursued, cherished and honored. Who like the guy to pick up the tab (every tab), open the door for them and are not suspicious of flowers and thoughtful gifts.
I’m sure there are indeed many lassies who would like to be kept women, even if the price involves constantly reassuring a guy like Doug about his masculinity. However, I don’t know if we should be encouraging this kind of thing.
7. Don't want their vagina turned into a sexual turnstile. Who don't want to be the village bicycle. Who see the benefits of serious sex verses casual sex. Who're not buying the Paris Hilton/Courtney Love/Madonna whore thing. Who can be sexy without being a skank. Who like to retain their respect and power and require a man to show some commitment before he gets to run the bases.
Yes, they require the man to pick up all the tabs, buy them flowers, AND give them several “thoughtful gifts” before he gets to run the bases. This is how they retain their power.
8. Want to get married to a man versus a career. Who still believe that being married to the right guy is good for the soul, the body, the pocket book and their sex life no matter what pop culture and the FCP's have tried to shame them in to believing
Girls, being married to the right guy is WAY better for the pocket book that any boring, old career! Just look at Anna Nicole Smith! (Her story is what we mean by “traditional values.”)
9. Want to have a baby before half of their life is history. Who don't want to be in diapers when their child is. *BTW girls, the longer you wait the more difficult it's going to be to get pregnant. If you're waiting strategically 'til your mid 30's-40's well, uh . . . good luck.
Experts say that about two-thirds of women ages 35 to 39 can become pregnant within a year of trying. But you should still have all your kids before you hit 20, so that you never get tempted to worry your pretty little head about having any kind of career of your own (since that could lead to independence and, gasp, feminism)!
10. When they have the baby, they actually want to raise it themselves instead of tossing it into day care or giving it to some nanny who shakes it like a maraca while you�re at work. *Speaking of babies being pro-life is not being anti-woman.
It’s a well-known fact that the majority of nannies are Hispanic women who shake their charges like maracas when nobody is watching.
11. Don�t feel like they must vote for a woman just because she�s a woman.
12. Don�t believe being a woman makes them a victim.
I could go on and on singing the praises of this tour de force.
And I could go on and on finding clues about Doug’s psycho-sexual problems from his writings. But instead, let’s conclude with some bits from the Focus on the Family review of Carrie’s book:
Many young women today know more about Sex in the City than the fairy tale stories of Snow White. That�s because pop-culture has long favored the role of C-E-O for Women, rather than M-O-M.
And this is really a shame, since the story Snow White teaches us so many valuable lessons about being a good M-O-M (such as how to use poison to get rid of one’s attractive younger rival).
The Politically Incorrect Guide tells young women, it’s alright to buy into the family-path. And perhaps the author knows that better than anyone. With degrees from Princeton and Harvard, she�s the vice president for policy at The Independent Women’s Forum, a contributor to the National Review Online, a senior fellow at the Goldwater Institute and a proud mom.
Yeah, she’s no Ellie Mae. But I want to know if her nanny shakes Carrie’s child like a maraca while Carrie is at work at the IWF, and if Carrie’s husband resents the fact that she doesn’t allow him to be the sole bread winner.
I hope Doug addresses my questions in the next installment of his series “Raising Daughters Who Will Settle For Insecure Jerks With Small Penises .”
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49 Responses to “The Total Woman, By Doug Giles”

So Doug has finally figured out the femi-nazi lesbian illegal alien plot: “Hispanic women who shake their charges like maracas when nobody is watching.” We have millions of illegal femi-nazi lesbian nannies coming over the border, and if they shake boy babies one way, they turn into Carmen Miranda imitators, and if they shake girl babies, they grow up to be Desi Arnaz. And Hillary Clinton is acting as the Xavier Cugat to this vile plot. Either that or he thinks the plot is to turn women into bicycles. I think he said something about bicycles.
I find it particularly appropriate that the “Politically Incorrect Guide” series of books is referred to as the “P.I.G. Series” – check the cover.
I’m a weak, masochist male, lost in the confines of the planets worst case scenario of Woman (lesbian or otherwise): z’German emancipated babe. Oh my, this article confuses the hell out of me.
Really like the site, btw.
tgs
Is there any similarity here?
http://worstwriter.wordpress.com/2006/05/02/complaint-278/
tgs
I tried crying in front of my wife one time. It moved her for about twenty seconds. Then she told me to cut the crap and get my act together because she was not going to be married to a poodle.
Heh. I’d tell a guy to “cut the crap”, too, if he was throwing a tantrum over having to do something “girly”, like washing the dishes or doing the laundry. Because whenever I read that comment, what comes to mind is that his wife dared to ask Mr. Manly Man to load the dishwasher, and in perfect three year old style, started whining about it…you know, Men just don’t do those “girly” things.
I can only guess Doug doesn’t get out much. He certanly seems to think that “tossing kids into day care” is some sort of lifestyle choice. In fact, for the vast majority of mothers, it’s an economic neccessity–despite dad’s best efforts at “being the bread winner,” the family cannot survive economically without mom going out and winning some bread. Since most two-year-olds cannot be left at home alone, the choice comes down to putting the kid in daycare or living in squalor.
I personally love that nearly qualifier placed on his whoop-ass cannability. I bet he could tell how badly he scared them!
get my act together because she was not going to be married to a poodle.
Yeah, sporkey, either that or a trip to the Sports Clips went way wrong.
I’m a bit curious as to where he goes to meet women. I can’t recall ever dating any “girlie girls”; that always sounded so boring. The vast majority of the feminists I know are neither masculine nor skanky, most of them are very feminine, and there’s something very flattering about someone who can think for herself, who knows what she wants, wanting to spend her time with me.
Of course, I’ve never been much of a “manly man”; just couldn’t get my head that far up…
Check out “The Department of Homeland Decency: Decency Rules and Regulations Manual.” It’s a hilarious satire of exactly this kind of thing. When men started to get in touch with their feelings back in the 60s and 70s, things started to fall apart here in the Homeland. These rules of decency will set things straight.
You can read some of it and order it athttp://www.homelanddecency.com
I’m still gasping in disbelief about the line in which “nannies shake babies like maracas.” The only household help I’ve ever employed (very part-time) has been Salvadoran. Their sisters and friends would bring the children they cared for over to Casa Biscuitbarrel; some of the nannies were not allowed to have play dates at their employers’ homes. (WTF?)During the years in which I sat in the hallways waiting for nursery school or primary school to get out, I listened to the nannies discuss their “patronas,” in their soft, rapid-fire Spanish. Wonderful women, all of whom had gone through hell to get to America. I felt as though I had more in common with them than with the lacquered power moms.That said, Giles continues to amaze me by his proud emphasis on being a print dork.
she was not going to be married to a poodle.
didn’t he say something about knocking the poo out of poodles earlier or was that Dr Mike Adams PhD? and what does Sen Man on Dog think about women on dog marriages?
I felt as though I had more in common with them than with the lacquered power moms.
So did Jesus, Mrs. B.
My thanks for the new font color.
God, that man can’t write for shit.
Okay, sexism is about context. Lots of people call women “girls”. I do it myself sometimes, and I’m probably one of those PC lezbo feminazis he’s worried about. That said, if Iron Doug there ever uses the word “girls” to refer to any female over eighteen, or any male at all, within three hundred yards of me, I will hike up my pretty skirt and use my girly shoes to kick him in the nads. Then I will smile sweetly and reapply my lipstick.
All clear?
…if Iron Doug there ever uses the word �girls� to refer to any female over eighteen, or any male at all, within three hundred yards of me, I will hike up my pretty skirt and use my girly shoes to kick him in the nads. Then I will smile sweetly and reapply my lipstick.
Now why can’t I ever get something like that on my pay-per-view? D. Sidhe, I know it’s probably pointless, but I have such a crush on you right now.
Between “Raising Men that Feminists Will Hate” and “The Politically Incorrect Guide to Women, Sex and Feminism” it’s like a one man war on future dating.
My favorite part is the anti-feminist with two college degrees. Historical irony anyone?
Oh and S.Z.,
�Raising Daughters Who Will Settle For Insecure Jerks With Small Penises .�
Meow!
I get the feeling the neither Doug, nor the author of this book, have met any real genuine women. I’m 41, have lived on the East Coast and in Texas and have never met any of the characterizations that they are creating. What fucking country do these people live in?
So, if all these “Independent Women [for Clarence Thomas]” think staying at home raising kids is the best thing a woman can do, then… how come they’re not all staying at home raising kids? I mean, how many of these right-wingut women would actually want to live in the world they’re advocating?
So it’s great when women can go to college, read and write, vote, have their own bank accounts, and have jobs, the anti-feminists say (assuming they mean any of it).
These people have NO idea of what feminism is or of its history. How the hell do they think these things happened if it wasn’t feminism? God, people are stupid. Education in this country is abysmal.
[...] The Giles review of the Lukas book was unpacked quite cleverly by S.Z. at World O’Crap. Here is an excerpt: …the piece is Doug�s review of the latest volume in the Regnery series �The Moron�s Guide to Politically Incorrect Drivel for Idiots.� This installment is by Carrie Lukas, a V.P. at the Independent Barefoot �n Pregnant Women�s Forum, and it�s called The Politically Incorrect Guide to Women, Sex and Feminism. Doug loves it, of course, because he believes it wants to make him sandwiches, bear his children, and admire his manly prowess with the blow dryer. [...]
“4. (Believe it or not) Like men to the bread winners, who are intellectually robust and who can kick some punk�s butt if it needs kickin�. *The other day, me and a buddy of mine nearly opened up a big can a whup a** on a couple of guys who were making obscene gestures towards my wife and daughters. All my girls loved it, and my wife thanked me later.”
…”Intellectually robust?” Okay, first, this is exactly the sort of phrase many people would describe as “metrosexual.” Second, if he’s trying to use it to describe himself, he’s wasting his time.
…”Me and a buddy of mine NEARLY opened up a big can of whup ass…” Uh-uh. I’ll bet you were VERY brave once you were about a mile away. Fecking keyboarders. Why won’t they actually fight, if they’re so damn tough?
“I tried crying in front of my wife one time. It moved her for about twenty seconds. Then she told me to cut the crap and get my act together because she was not going to be married to a poodle. Yes, there are millions of girls who celebrate the difference!”
Ewww, Doug! Nobody wants to here about what you and the missus get up to in the bedroom, O.K.?
The other day, me and a buddy of mine nearly opened up a big can a whup a**
LOL!!! I really think that might be one of the geekiest things I’ve ever read in my entire life!!! Oh. God.
*The other day, me and a buddy of mine nearly opened up a big can a whup a** on a couple of guys who were making obscene gestures towards my wife and daughters. All my girls loved it, and my wife thanked me later.
DAUGHTER: I love it when Daddy almost does something brave! It’s so next door to cool!
WIFE: I agree, Cissy. Doug, honey, thanks for nearly defending us. I’m so theoretically proud of you.
In Doug’s defense, he’s a metrosexual, and prefers fresh whoop-ass to canned. Although he reportedly once opened a jar of whoop-ass at home, after his wife loosened it for him.
At this point I’m willing to bet that at least 85% of Doug’s readers are just checking in for a good laugh. The man is way past homosexual panic and deep into homophobic nuclear meltdown. Why else does a column that is supposedly a book review/takedown of feminists need at least fifteen mentions of how very, very, exceedingly manly Dougie really, truly is? And I’ll bet Mrs. Doug calls him a poodle whenever she wants him to shut up (which has got to be pretty frequently). “Poodle” seems to be the ultimate insult in Dougie Land.
Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf once famously said that not only did he cry sometimes, but he didn’t trust a man who never cried. Go call Stormin’ Norman a metrosexual to his face; I wanna see what happens.
My bigger concern is this: If all lesbians are man-hating butches in Tim Allen haircuts, why do none of the movies about lesbians in my private collection feature women that look like that? Are those movies FAKED or something? And what about that kiss between Brittney and Madonna onstage? My head’s…gonna…explode……….
“The other day, me and a buddy of mine nearly opened up a big can a whup a** on a couple of guys who were making obscene gestures towards my wife and daughters. All my girls loved it, and my wife thanked me later.”
Right, NEARLY. As in, they talked about it afterwards.
And is it only me who wonders what kind of places does he take his family where people routinely make obscene gestures toward women?
I live in a big diverse urban city, lots of liberals, people of color, immigrants both illegal and legal, and more than our fair share of gay people, and I can’t think of the last time anyone made obscene gestures to me. Then again, I don’t generally hang out with guys like Giles. Maybe it’s just people in his circle who behave this way.
Sez G: And is it only me who wonders what kind of places does he take his family where people routinely make obscene gestures toward women?
Well, if you saw Giles on the street, wouldn’t you be tempted to make obscene gestures at him?
Indeed, it may well be that Giles saw two guys flipping him off, wet his pants, and then rationalized running away by saying, “Oh, they weren’t flipping ME the bird, that was directed at my wife and daughters.”
Dougie wanted to open up that can of whup-ass but forgot his can opener, and since his teeth are capped he didn’t want to use them either. So there he was in his minivan with his wife and daughters, impotently waving that can of whup-ass at the miscreants through the window he didn’t have the guts to roll down so he could at least throw it at them.
And, I have a poodle (actually he’s a goldendoodle) who can, unquestionably, kick Dougie’s ass, and he has a better haircut too.
“The other day, me and a buddy of mine nearly opened up a big can a whup a** on a couple of guys who were making obscene gestures towards my wife and daughters. All my girls loved it, and my wife thanked me later.”
American fascists do live a rich, fantasy life, don’t they?
and who can kick some punk�s butt if it needs kickin�. *The other day, me and a buddy of mine nearly opened up a big can a whup a**
Bravely bold Doug Giles
So bravely ran away
Bravely ran away, away
When danger reared it’s ugly head
He bravely turned his tail and fled…
Uh, I guess I don’t understand…if crying is so effeminate, and real men are those who never learned to cry, why has Doug “tried crying in front of my wife” in the first place? Sounds like Doug needs some time at the Boot Camp for De-Wimpification in Coeur d’Alene, just down the road from the Neo-Nazis. I can see it now:
“We got us another girly-man! Whutchoo thinkin’ of there, Dougie…cryin’, and in front o’ yer wife, too?”
“Hey, Buford, Dougie’s shore got a purty mouth…where’d I put that bicycle chain?”
Wait…I sure hope Dougie doesn’t read this…he might just almost get mad and almost show it! I’d nearly be scared then! Maybe.
10. “When they have the baby, they actually want to raise it themselves instead of tossing it into day care or giving it to some nanny who shakes it like a maraca while you�re at work.”
Well. This leaves nanny-loving Caitlin Flanagan out in the cold, doesn’t it? Oh, wait, she has nannies raising her kids so that she has time to write anti-feminist screeds. That’s different, like Phyllis Schlafly running for congress when she had a six year old at home. If you are working as a volunteer, or working to prop up the patriarchy, it’s o.k. Sorry. My bad.
I tried crying in front of my wife one time. It moved her for about twenty seconds. Then she told me to cut the crap and get my act together because she was not going to be married to a poodle.
I then pulled the knife out of my side, she drove me to the urgent care, where I got stitched up and was released in less than a half-hour.
We laughed about it later, after we were married.
“All my girls loved it, and my wife thanked me later.�
The daughters are rolling their eyes in the back seat, going “Gawd, dad, you’re so lame,” and his wife snaps, “Great Doug, thanks a lot. Now everyone’s looking at us.”
So, according to Dougie, being a feminist means you’re a butch-looking, man-hating feminist who dresses like a slut and sleeps with lots of men.
Well, I guess that makes sense to someone who thinks being a real man means ALMOST doing something brave.
And ALMOST spelling out a swear word.
ruined my own comment, What I meant to say was:
“So, according to Dougie, feminists are butch-looking, man-hating lesbians who dress like sluts and sleep with lots of men.”
Doesn’t make any more sense that what I wrote before, but at least I’ve clarified what Doug was saying.
I very nearly forgot to mention that was me in comment #38, attempting to correct what I wrote in comment #37.
Okay, let me try this again (and by now, anyone who comes across this comments thread is, frankly, sick of seeing my name):
Shorter Doug Giles-”Feminists are man-hating lesbians who try to look like men, and dress like sluts so they can sleep with lots of men.”
Even shorter Doug Giles-”I’m an a**hole.”
…no matter what pop culture and the FCP�s have tried to shame them in to believing
Ummm…FCP’s? Feminist Clown Posse’s?
Anyone?
Yeah, too bad Ariel Levy didn’t copyright FCPs and sue his ass. Oh, I mean a**.
Realist: Maaan, can we say Stepford Wife?
Boo: That’s the thing with those Anti-Feminist women is that they’re rich so they have nannies and servants to do all their dirty work and rich husbands so why should they have to practice what they preach?
Anne: Not to mention that beneth that “women are fragile” fantasy they have, in reality it was legal to beat your wife during the Victorian era.
Many young women today know more about Sex in the City than the fairy tale stories of Snow White.
#1 indicator that a writer is a wingnut trying to fake being up-to-date on pop culture: not knowing that the show’s title was “SexAND the City”.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t poodles actually big, sturdy hunting dogs? Miniature poodles are another thing altogether. Doug needs to be more specific about which dog breeds women don’t want to be married to.
Personally I’d much rather marry a poodle than Doug Giles. At least the poodle doesn’t whine.
…and is probably better hung.
Correct me if I�m wrong, but aren�t poodles actually big, sturdy hunting dogs?
They are, and that silly, poofy haircut is designed to help them swim without fur bogging them down while still keeping their joints warm.
So Giles, who makes so much of being a hunter, doesn’t know SHIT about hunting.
Who�re not buying the Paris Hilton/Courtney Love/Madonna whore thing.
Oh, no, Doug, your kind of women are DEFINATELY buying into the Madonna/Whore thing.
Doug and his buddy nearly got their asses kicked when the boys father and older brothers came over to them asking why they were in the kiddie section of the park,yelling at the children- the girls were crying with joy that Dougie Boy suffered being shoved, and his wife was pleased to see the whupped dog look on his face.
Doug Giles’ next column:
Breasts: Why Men Love Them More Than Women

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