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Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Deep Conservative Thinkers - Part 1

Our seminar will commence with a study of our new favorite professorial wingnut, Mary Grabar, whose latest column “Arrest all jaywalking history professors,” starts by applauding the arrest of a visiting historian for jaywalking, then uses that incident to springboard into an attack on Keith Ellison for using a Koran at his swearing-in ceremony without explaining that Thomas Jefferson used said book to fight pirates.

Seriously, that’s what her column is about. And yes, it makes almost as much sense as last week’s effort, “Dear Teach’: ‘I am macaca,’” which started by denouncing S.R. Sidarth for capitalizing on his “macaca” fame when he applied to a political science seminar, and ended by complaining that minorities are too often rich these days.

Anyway, here are the key passages from the new column – try to follow the logic.
But historians are guilty of more egregious forms of jaywalking—to use the apt metaphor: distorting history, and their roles as scholars. This group of “scholars” did something decidedly unscholarly at the meeting funded by their universities: they voted in a resolution against war, specifically the Iraq war. The panels consisted of the usual panoply of multicultural, anti-West advocacy, as well. And, thus, many of these scholars share much in common with newly elected Muslim Congressman Keith Ellison who has distorted history for his own purposes.
Banking on the public’s ignorance of history and the mainstream media’s complicity, Keith Ellison had Thomas Jefferson’s Koran taken out from the Library of Congress under security, for his swearing-in ceremony.
[...]
While the self-proclaimed intellectuals and profanity-spewing bloggers applauded Ellison’s “savviness,” those who know history and have retained the ability to smell a rat—but not crowned by the Left with Ph.D.’s or Pulitzer prizes–started spreading the truth about why Jefferson might need to refer to his Koran: he needed to know the enemy.
He needed to understand Muslim pirate slavers off the Barbary states who were pillaging villages and making slaves of non-Muslims: women as concubines and boys who were castrated.
[...]
What the arrogant Congressman is banking on is the ignorance of the American people—that we will take him at his word that Jefferson’s reading of the Koran proves him a “broad, visionary thinker”—i.e., one who would approve of Ellison’s agenda.
[...]
And a perusal of the jaywalking professor’s own nineteen books reveals a decidedly anti-Western stance. [...]
The privileged professors who live in a Marxist wonderland talk to each other in this way. But these inheritors of privilege are cut off from the demands and dangers of the real world—like economic uncertainty, physical labor, or contact with criminals or enemy combatants.
Deep thoughts indeed. So, if I might, I will now summarize Temporary Assistant Professor Grabar’s scholarly paper:

=============

A historian got arrested for jay walking (and rightfully so) — but all the historians at the conference should have been jailed for being against the war.

Also against truth and decency is Keith Ellison, who borrowed Thomas Jefferson’s Koran, thus making it appear that Jefferson owned a Koran, possibly because he was interested in other religions, when in truth Jefferson owned a Koran, undoubtedly because he was fighting pirates. Muslim Pirates with perverted sexual desires.

Historians never told you this, because unlike you and Mary, they are all rich bastards who live in ivory towers, and they never have to mow the lawn or kill enemy Muslims, such as Congressman Ellison. So, um, historians suck. And so do minorities. We should jail them all, because they’re all traitors!

================

I know you want to run out and write your own column now, but remember, kids, Mary has a Ph.D. and is a professional wingnut, and you aren’t, so you shouldn’t try this at home.

But let’s go back to Mary for the unvarnished version of her stunning conclusion:
We now have a Congressman who has rejected his heritage by a conversion to Islam, worked for Louis Farrakhan, was featured speaker at meetings of Islamic organizations with ties to terrorists, defended six imams staging a stunt, has been appointed the House judiciary committee where he proposes to ban racial profiling (in effect granting immunity to non-Caucasians), and with impunity has misrepresented a historical document.
So, I suggest a citizen’s arrest for all jaywalking historians—those who refuse to remain within the lines of truth—for the crime of attempting to lead into the hands of tyranny.
And that, kids, is how you wingnut. I hope you were taking notes, because it will be on the test. Oh, and if you missed class, Professor Mike Adams will shoot you like the dog you are.

Posted by s.z. on Sunday, January 14th, 2007 at 2:51 am.

35 responses to to "Deep Conservative Thinkers - Part 1"

Grabar is proving to be a fine wingnut. I especially loved the second to last paragraph where she equates opposing racial profiling with “granting immunity to non-Caucasians,” which has to be right, considering the racial makeup of our prisons. She also charges Ellison “with impunity has misrepresented a historical document,” but gives the reader no clue as to what historical document that might be, sort of a major transgression for an English professor to make, even if she is merely temporary. I also love how she couldn’t go to the trouble of giving a link to Ted Sampley Special Forces Vietnam veteran, but Ted might be pleased to know he’ll have an A waiting for him if he ever attends a class at Clayton State University.
If you want more hilarity, check out the second comment at the end of the column.
She’s like Peggy Noonan without the gravitas.
As a Bostonian, I consider jaywalking to be one of my fundamental rights as an American. A society that would jail* people for jaywalking is a society with dangerously fascist tendencies. An American should be free to look both ways and decide if the way is clear.
*in more mildly fascist jurisdictions, like California, don’t the streetcrossing police just give tickets?
Can someone refresh my memory: Is this the person who thought her department head stole two cartoons from her office door?
Apparently, Jefferson got his Koran in 1765:
http://scienceblogs.com/dispatches/2007/01/
right_wing_absurdity_on_jeffer_1.php#more
But I\’m sure the motivation was his belief that 40 odd years in the future he might be called upon to lead a newly independent nation against pirates.
Come to think of it, 40 years from now I might have to lead a newly independent nation against pirates. Can anyone think of any good books I should read to prepare me for this task?
Keith Ellison is rejecting the heritage of people of african descent in America by taking up a religion whose adherents owned slaves? How many quakers are there in congress?
he proposes to ban racial profiling (in effect granting immunity to non-Caucasians)
I’m a little confused by this – does she think due process isn’t a sword and buckler for white folks or does she believe it is and simply think they should have it and non-caucasians shouldn’t? Are non-caucasians just too wily for caucasians to catch actually doing something wrong if we can’t pick them up in gill nets? Do you suppose it’s occurred to her that perhaps the reason we haven’t been able to catch the swarthy miscreants at whatever evil things they’re doing might just be that they’re not doing anything? Assuming in the face of no evidence to the contrary that they’re not doing anything illegal (which, I believe, the constitution – which I do believe is part of that heritage that we, unlike Mr. Ellison, have ostensibly held on to – does allow for), is telling people who are obeying the laws despite the fact that the society they live has significantly greater advantages for members of the majority religion that they don’t enjoy the protection of those laws likely to encourage them to continue to respect those laws?
How does this all impact on the whole it’s racist/sexist to Expect minorities/women to hold views which are not explicitly to the disadvantage of minorities/women trope so beloved of those minority/female right-wing pundits whose pet subjects happen just by complete colorblind/gonad neutral chance to be race and gender issues? Are race and gender back on the table now that they’re officially legal issues? Can I be the one who tells Thomas Sowell and that Malkin person?
Also confused: what’s with capitalizing “caucasians”? Are we actually talking about people from the caucasus here? Because me personally, I’m a white as the belly of a dead fish above the high tide line and my family is from considerably west of there.
I’m also a little confused that someone with such very strong views about color and personal appearance chose to do that to her hair, but that’s not really a legal issue.
I mean, unless it is. I have trouble keeping up.
damn, I meant to close that tag. Sorry.
There is some disputed evidence that North Americans were “pillaging villages and making slaves of non-Muslims: women as concubines and boys who were castrated” during this same period, excepting that the castrations generally involved those past puberty and was not intended to confer the social usefulness of a harem eunuch or a castrato, to use a more Christian, Eurocentric example. I advise the reader to be cautious, as, I say, the evidence is disputed or simply ignored, often by those educated in Georgia.
And would that I were young enough and bright enough for acceptance at Clayton State! Oh, to have been inspired by such a professor in my own sad student days, one who realized “that Mein Kampf was an example of propaganda that relied on logical fallacies”! All they ever told me about was Hitler’s mediocre footnoting.
Gill nets. I love you, Julia, in case I haven’t mentioned it in a while.
so in other words, Thomas Jefferson, using the Koran to fight pirates, is pro global warming? Al Gore will be so disappointed
And would that I were young enough and bright enough for acceptance at Clayton State!
Actually, it seems like Clayton State is the name for a continuing-education program — and, more to the point, judging by RateMyProfessors.com, the students don’t care much for Dr. Professor Grabar Ph.D., which reflects rather well on the student body.
I don’t think she has the same smugness as Adams, but she’s right up there on arrogance and meretriciousness. What a piece of work is Grabar.
I particularly enjoyed Mary’s insinuation that borrowing the Koran from the LoC (“under security”) was some kind of extraordinary pilfering. Someone needs to tip her off on how often Lincoln’s Bible leaves the facilities… “under security,” of course.
preznit giv me turkee;
Everybody knows that only pirates who look like those in Disneyland prevent global warming. Or are you one of those Reformed Pastafarians?
I suspect the pirates in question were eastern rite (the pirates who gave us ramendan). They probably dressed more like the extras in Alladin on Ice.
As an actual practicing historian I plan on jaywalking this very week. When I reach the other side of the street I plan on dedicating my lawlessness to Dr. Grabar. I may even go and distort some history in her honor but it depends on how wicked I feel that day.
Damn that Mary Grabar!
Damn that tape loop she’s implanted in my mind, without my permission, that keeps replaying,
“Here comes my friend,
Privileged professor!
Her company’s always a stressor
But we sing a song
As we stroll along
Walkin’ in a Marxist wonderland”
Now, where the hell IS this “Marxist wonderland”? And what is it that gravels Mary’s titties about other professors? In what way are they “privileged”? Because they have tenure, and teaching assistants to mark papers, and she doesn’t? Are we getting warmer?
Also, if she’s so disdainful of “the Left,” why does she crave AND despise the validation that she believes that the Left grants?
And one more thing: during last summer’s campaigns, classy UVA student S. R. Sidarth demonstrated himself more of a true born ‘n bred Virginian than the former Sen. Geo. Felix Allen (R-Palos Verdes, CA) did. Mary Grabar can’t stand it that a concise three-word essay got Sidarth into JUSTIFIABLY FAMOUS PROFESSOR Larry Sabato’s seminar. So she had to waste a whole bunch of words on how uppity immigrants are, such as certain unnamed northern Virginia Hindoo.
Thanks, that was so educational! I had NO IDEA that the Left crowns PhDs and Pulitzer Prizes. What’s next? If you want a car washed, you’ll have to go through Ted Kennedy?
Is Marxist wonderland anywhere near Boogie wonderland ? Like the next stop maybe ?
you know, those wingnuts should be careful about talking about the barbary wars too much, as someone is sure to bring up article 11 of the treaty of tripoli:
As the Government of the United States of America is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion; as it has in itself no character of enmity against the laws, religion, or tranquillity, of Mussulmen; and, as the said States never entered into any war, or act of hostility against any Mahometan nation, it is declared by the parties, that no pretext arising from religious opinions, shall ever produce an interruption of the harmony existing between the two countries.
this treaty was ratified unanimously by the senate in 1797. it kinda puts the lie to that whole “christian nation” meme that the wingnuts are so fond of, doesn’t it?
Mary Grabar sez: “Well, I’ve owned copies of Mein Kampf. Does that mean I approve of Hitler’s ideas?
Uncle Mike sez: Nuf sed.
Thank you, Will.
“Well, I’ve owned copies of Mein Kampf
“copies?” Plural? I’ll cop to having replaced a seriously dog-eared copy of Nine Stories — back when I was a fashionably alienated teen who smoked unfiltered cigarettes — after the cover fell off and the back pages started to secede from the rest of the book. But how many people — excepting maybe Rudolf Hess — have to retire their edition of Mein Kampf due to wear and tear?
I’m with Scott on this. Copy, fine. Copies, we could have something creepy going on.
Also, here in Seattle, jaywalking used to be considered a character flaw on the order of littering and not recycling. (Those are still considered evil.) But even in the heyday of the anti-jaywalking years, nobody ever got *arrested* for it. Ticketed, sure. But even the guys who did it buck naked were arrested on weapons charges rather than the actual jaywalking.
To be perfectly frank, if some cop told me he arrested someone for jaywalking, I would assume the arrestee was a minority, just the same as arrests for breaking curfew or speeding.
Wait, “guys who [jaywalked]buck naked were arrested on WEAPONS charges”!
So, if they’re wearing pants, is it a “concealed weapon”?
Well, no. It’s traditionally been a sword or a baseball bat or something like that. Difficult to conceal in any event. I believe they’re also generally charged with disrupting traffic and the like. I blame the coffee, really.
But historians are guilty of more egregious forms of jaywalking—to use the apt metaphor: distorting history, and their roles as scholars.
Wait a minute. The person who wrote that sentence has a PhD? In English??
You know, maybe grad school won’t be so hard after all.
So, does that make Bill S. a swordswallower? And, my specialty the home run (with bases loaded)?
Go ahead, Annti. I’ve given you the “straight man’s” line.
The privileged professors who live in a Marxist wonderland talk to each other in this way. But these inheritors of privilege are cut off from the demands and dangers of the real world
So professorship is inherited, along with wealth? Professors are the Paris Hiltons of the academic world? Damn, that puts a dampener on my own academic ambitions. I wish someone had told me before I started.
here in Seattle, jaywalking used to be considered a character flaw on the order of littering and not recycling. (Those are still considered evil.)
I got busted for jaywalking in Portland once… the cop was riding a bike, which didn’t seem very sporting. Me being a foreigner and not knowing any better, he let off me with a lecture on road safety. Perhaps it’s only historians who receive the full egregious panoply of legal sanctions… that seems fair enough.
Of course. One cannot “expect” of ignorant conservative rubes.
Hey, it looks like Doctor Professor Mary isn’t quite as dense as I originally suspected. At least she knows her limitations.
… and with impunity has misrepresented a historical document.
So, I suggest a citizen’s arrest for all jaywalking historians—those who refuse to remain within the lines of truth—for the crime of attempting to lead into the hands of tyranny.
Considering the wingnuts’ fondness for dry-humping the corpses of folks like G.K. Chesterton and C.S. Lewis and name-dropping Roman stoic philosophers and historians, I think they’re going to be the first ones in the big house on this. (I’m sure there are other historical works that wingnuts are fond of jacking off with, but these are the ones I notice).
Whoa! Weren’t Jefferson and all the other Founding Fathers supposed to be imperialistic, slave-holding, hypocritical sexist pigs?
By our standards? Yeah. But that doesn’t mean they can’t also be a great thinker. See, that’s the thing about people — they can have more than one personality trait apiece. Jefferson wasn’t a god to be revered, he was a flawed human being in a flawed culture, just like all of us. Acknowledging that doesn’t mean we can’t acknowledge his influence on America or believe in his ideals if we choose.
Although it would have been pretty fucking hardcore if Jefferson had fought pirates with the Koran, like some kind of badass interfaith early American superhero. Maybe if you open Jefferson’s Koran and say a trigger word, it fires laser beams or something.
and with impunity has misrepresented a historical document.
I just want to add that whenever I misrepresent a historical document — a regular event in the Bimler household — I am careful to use punity. Presumably that’s OK.
“We now have a Congressman who has rejected his heritage by a conversion to Islam…”
I feel sure that if a Muslim had converted to Christianity, become a Repulsican, and got elected to Congress, Mary wouldn’t be so upset about the heritage-rejecting bit….
“We now have a Congressman who has rejected his heritage by a conversion to Islam…”
Actually it’s more likely he was rejecting Mary’s heritage of slavery and segregation.
She quotes the jaywalking professor’s work thusly:
“[T]ime is the past: the future is just the past we have not yet experienced. If there is such a thing as future independent of experience, it can exist only in the imagination, and imagination, as soon as we are aware of it, becomes instantly part of the past. Time and history seem made for each other: mutually nourishing. Time is history’s subject-matter and history is the diet of time.”
after saying this:
And a perusal of the jaywalking professor’s own nineteen books reveals a decidedly anti-Western stance.
Say what?

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