Our next guest lecturer will be the doyen of deep thinking, Miss Peggy Noonan. Her latest column is about the President’s latest speech, which she didn’t like, since she didn’t write it and dear Mr. Reagan didn’t deliver it. She also provides a brilliant argument for why we have to stay in Iraq, even though it’s the wrong thing to do: because the Democrats and the Iraqis are a bunch of uncooperative slackers who just won’t do as they’re told.
But forget all that, it’s time for a story! Your job is to guess which one Peggy told to illustrate a point about … something, and which one was provided by humorist Jack Handey.
Now, for Jack’s critique of the speech:
Well, that’s probably enough deep thinking from Peggy – we wouldn’t want her to strain her pretty little head.
So, here is Jack Handey with more thoughts on the speech, the proposed troop increase, and the war
Posted by s.z. on Sunday, January 14th, 2007 at 9:24 pm.
The Two VacuumsYeah, even Peggy has realized that if George is for something, it must be wrong.
Neither Iraqis nor Democrats seem ready to do what’s required of them
I had the odd and wholly unexpected experience of feeling supportive of a troop increase until I saw the president’s speech arguing for it.
But forget all that, it’s time for a story! Your job is to guess which one Peggy told to illustrate a point about … something, and which one was provided by humorist Jack Handey.
Like the old woman in the flood who took to the roof and implored God to send a boat to save her. A hunk of wood floated by as she prayed with fervor. A busted wooden door floated by as the waters rose and she doubled her prayers. Finally she cried “God, I asked you to save me and you didn’t send a boat!” And the voice of God answered: “I sent you a hunk of wood and a door!”Anyway, on to Peggy’s critique of the speech:
The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn’t pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren’t many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor’s bills were real high.
There was something unnerving about the speech, from the jumpy beginning to the stumbles to the sound glitches. A jittery affair, and some dusk hung over it.Um, right. That’s just how it would have seemed to me too, if I had watched it.
Now, for Jack’s critique of the speech:
To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.And now for Peggy’s critique of the Democrats.
They are sunk in the superficial.Yup, that certainly shows just how superficial those damned Dems really are! You know, we should get Peggy and Dick together to do a fashion review of all of the Democratic legislators, because I’m sure it would prove that said politicians are shallow people who are too petty to run this country.
When Nancy Pelosi showed up at the White House Wednesday to talk with the president it was obvious she’d spent a lot of time thinking about . . . what to wear. She wrapped herself in a rich red shawl. Dick Morris said it looked like a straitjacket. I thought she looked like a particularly colorful mummy.
Well, that’s probably enough deep thinking from Peggy – we wouldn’t want her to strain her pretty little head.
So, here is Jack Handey with more thoughts on the speech, the proposed troop increase, and the war
As a young boy, when you get splashed by a mud puddle on the way to school, you wonder if you should go home and change, but be late for school, or go to school the way you are; dirty and soaking wet. Well, while he tried to decide, I drove by and splashed him again.Thank you, Mr. Handey. And that is why I think Jack should be writing speeches for the President.
Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let’s say you’re an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he’s not Dracula, but you just say, “Think again, bat man.”
Posted by s.z. on Sunday, January 14th, 2007 at 9:24 pm.
14 responses to "Deep Conservative Thinkers -- Part 2"
Ooh! Ooh! Pick me! Pick me! The first story was Peggy’s. Why? Because it made less sense.
Peggy Noonan is like Tucker Carlson without the dignity.
Left by D. Sidhe on January 14th, 2007
So the old woman responded,
“Let me get this straight, you expect me to cling desperately to a slippery wet surface with my arthritic hands, in danger of letting go and sinking into the briny deep at any moment, soaking in water that’s cold enough to give me hypothermia and is probably swimming with disease, utterly at the mercy of the currents, and you think this is as good as a boat.”
And god said, “Well, I-”
But the woman interrupted,
“And you have limitless power, you could easily send a houseboat manned by angels, and it would exceed the effort of sending me a hunk of wood by about the amount of effort it takes me to wink instead of blink.
“Hey, God?”
“Yeah?”
“You’re kind of a dick.”
Really, the only difference between that Noonan story and a Handey one is a punchline.
Left by Christopher on January 14th, 2007
Really, the only difference between that Noonan story and a Handey one is a punchline.
the difference is that one tells joke, the other is one
Left by preznit giv me turkee on January 15th, 2007
Some blogger or commenter somewhere, bless him or her, once observed that life through conservative eyes was almost the same as life through liberal eyes… it’s just that the former has an inappropriate laugh track.
I like to remember that when pinheads say something egregiously nasty. Now if only I could remember who said it.
Left by D. Sidhe on January 15th, 2007
“The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather…”
So the Noonan clan is GENERATIONS of clowns, then? It’s nice to see people who respect traditions.
(Hey, it’s good to have you back, people. I was getting worried.)
Left by Happenstance on January 15th, 2007
Pegums, for the millionth time, stop pushing in the q-tip when there’s resistance!
Or is it because there isn’t anything stopping it from going all the way through to the other side?
I know it’s wrong to make fun of mentally ill people, but durnit, she makes it so hard not to…
Left by Bill S on January 15th, 2007
I know it’s wrong to make fun of mentally ill people, but durnit, she makes it so hard not to…
On behalf of mentally ill people, be our guest.
Left by D. Sidhe on January 15th, 2007
Teh Speech, Explained… for Peggers.
Scanner Whiskey Bottle Darkly (though I hesitate to guess on which end of the broadcast)
Left by Marq on January 15th, 2007
You’d think–I’m not speaking of loons like Peggers here, of course–that the collapse of our little Mideast adventure would have had a sobering effect on people, caused some reflection, raised questions about our ability to force our will, let alone our whims, on the world or the wisdom of trying to do so, or the wisdom of that will in general.
But look around. Bob Schieffer grills the GQ candidate, Barack Obama, with Dick Cheney quotes. The Times yesterday ran one of those feature/opinion pieces by Helene Cooper, about how the ugly prospect of 15-20 more years of occupying Iraq, however unpleasant, sure is preferable to admitting we lost or worrying about any nasty consequences. And they’re serious.
Peggy, at least, offers us the warm, woodgrained beauty of insanity without the embarrassment of a bad faux-finish; putting “Oh God, he sunk me again,” into the mouth of John McCain as he watches the President enact McCain’s own plan is a masterpiece of unintentional humor.
Left by Doghouse Riley on January 15th, 2007
Hey, if we let ‘em shoot all our servicemen in Iraq, we don’t have to withdraw *anybody*! And there’ll be nobody left to say we lost! Win-win!
(Man, that’d be funnier if I didn’t think that was exactly what was going on.)
Left by D. Sidhe on January 15th, 2007
That’s just how it would have seemed to me too, if I had watched it.
Ditto (which makes me a ditto-woc-head?)
Left by Cynthia on January 15th, 2007
Peggy’s story sounds like a take-off on the old story about the person who waits for God to save him/her, and refuses help from mere mortals. That person of course dies, and in Heaven God explains He sent those people to save him/her. Unfortunately, in this case nobody is helping the poor woman, it’s just that she has several (incredible bad) ways to leave the roof and met her doom. At least God explains himself to her before she dies, so that she has a chance to shop for a better deity.
Left by Hysterical Woman on January 15th, 2007
“What is paramount is a hard, cold-eyed and even brutal look at America’s interests. We have them. I’m not sure they’ve been given sufficient attention the past few years. In fact, I am sorry to say I believe they have not.”
That is the most telling sentence of the entire essay. Peggy finally admits that Republicans neither have the ability nor the will to understand or take care of America’s interests.
I think she’s coming over to our side, albeit slowly. Do we want her?
Left by kate on January 15th, 2007
[...] Allahpundit is shocked that Peggy Noonan – Peggy Noonan! – is voting Republican. [...]
Left by Sadly, No! » Didn’t See That Coming (From Miles Away On A Jesus Dolphin) on November 4th, 2008
So the old woman responded,
“Let me get this straight, you expect me to cling desperately to a slippery wet surface with my arthritic hands, in danger of letting go and sinking into the briny deep at any moment, soaking in water that’s cold enough to give me hypothermia and is probably swimming with disease, utterly at the mercy of the currents, and you think this is as good as a boat.”
And god said, “Well, I-”
But the woman interrupted,
“And you have limitless power, you could easily send a houseboat manned by angels, and it would exceed the effort of sending me a hunk of wood by about the amount of effort it takes me to wink instead of blink.
“Hey, God?”
“Yeah?”
“You’re kind of a dick.”
Really, the only difference between that Noonan story and a Handey one is a punchline.
Left by Christopher on January 14th, 2007
Really, the only difference between that Noonan story and a Handey one is a punchline.
the difference is that one tells joke, the other is one
Left by preznit giv me turkee on January 15th, 2007
Some blogger or commenter somewhere, bless him or her, once observed that life through conservative eyes was almost the same as life through liberal eyes… it’s just that the former has an inappropriate laugh track.
I like to remember that when pinheads say something egregiously nasty. Now if only I could remember who said it.
Left by D. Sidhe on January 15th, 2007
“The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather…”
So the Noonan clan is GENERATIONS of clowns, then? It’s nice to see people who respect traditions.
(Hey, it’s good to have you back, people. I was getting worried.)
Left by Happenstance on January 15th, 2007
Pegums, for the millionth time, stop pushing in the q-tip when there’s resistance!
Or is it because there isn’t anything stopping it from going all the way through to the other side?
I know it’s wrong to make fun of mentally ill people, but durnit, she makes it so hard not to…
Left by Bill S on January 15th, 2007
I know it’s wrong to make fun of mentally ill people, but durnit, she makes it so hard not to…
On behalf of mentally ill people, be our guest.
Left by D. Sidhe on January 15th, 2007
Teh Speech, Explained… for Peggers.
I had the odd and wholly unexpected experience of feeling supportive of a troop increase until I saw the president’s speech arguing for it.That’s because the speech was teh suxxor, thus warning you off (if only on an animalistic, instinctive level).
There was something unnerving about the speech, from the jumpy beginning to the stumbles to the sound glitches.Teh Magic Dolphin Lady has somehow caught on to the fact that the Good Ship-Of-State Lollypop can’t even hire competant A/V people. That’s what they get for hiring ex-Fox employees.
A jittery affair, and some dusk hung over it.A
When Nancy Pelosi showed up at the White House Wednesday to talk with the president it was obvious she’d spent a lot of time thinking about . . . what to wear.If Peggy were invited, she’d just go in the stained housecoat she’s currently wearing, nicely highlighting her varicose veins. Fetching!
She wrapped herself in a rich red shawl. Dick Morris said it looked like a straitjacket. I thought she looked like a particularly colorful mummy.Peggy accuses the Cems of being shallow, says nothing about what Pelosi had to talk about, but only comments on what Pelosi wore, as well as relating Dick Morris snark about Pelosi’s clothing. And the Democrats are the shallow ones?
Left by Marq on January 15th, 2007
You’d think–I’m not speaking of loons like Peggers here, of course–that the collapse of our little Mideast adventure would have had a sobering effect on people, caused some reflection, raised questions about our ability to force our will, let alone our whims, on the world or the wisdom of trying to do so, or the wisdom of that will in general.
But look around. Bob Schieffer grills the GQ candidate, Barack Obama, with Dick Cheney quotes. The Times yesterday ran one of those feature/opinion pieces by Helene Cooper, about how the ugly prospect of 15-20 more years of occupying Iraq, however unpleasant, sure is preferable to admitting we lost or worrying about any nasty consequences. And they’re serious.
Peggy, at least, offers us the warm, woodgrained beauty of insanity without the embarrassment of a bad faux-finish; putting “Oh God, he sunk me again,” into the mouth of John McCain as he watches the President enact McCain’s own plan is a masterpiece of unintentional humor.
Left by Doghouse Riley on January 15th, 2007
Hey, if we let ‘em shoot all our servicemen in Iraq, we don’t have to withdraw *anybody*! And there’ll be nobody left to say we lost! Win-win!
(Man, that’d be funnier if I didn’t think that was exactly what was going on.)
Left by D. Sidhe on January 15th, 2007
That’s just how it would have seemed to me too, if I had watched it.
Ditto (which makes me a ditto-woc-head?)
Left by Cynthia on January 15th, 2007
Peggy’s story sounds like a take-off on the old story about the person who waits for God to save him/her, and refuses help from mere mortals. That person of course dies, and in Heaven God explains He sent those people to save him/her. Unfortunately, in this case nobody is helping the poor woman, it’s just that she has several (incredible bad) ways to leave the roof and met her doom. At least God explains himself to her before she dies, so that she has a chance to shop for a better deity.
Left by Hysterical Woman on January 15th, 2007
“What is paramount is a hard, cold-eyed and even brutal look at America’s interests. We have them. I’m not sure they’ve been given sufficient attention the past few years. In fact, I am sorry to say I believe they have not.”
That is the most telling sentence of the entire essay. Peggy finally admits that Republicans neither have the ability nor the will to understand or take care of America’s interests.
I think she’s coming over to our side, albeit slowly. Do we want her?
Left by kate on January 15th, 2007
[...] Allahpundit is shocked that Peggy Noonan – Peggy Noonan! – is voting Republican. [...]
Left by Sadly, No! » Didn’t See That Coming (From Miles Away On A Jesus Dolphin) on November 4th, 2008
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