The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

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Monday, February 21, 2011

The Latest War on Christmas Casualty Report

It seems that Bob “These Are the Chains I Forged at Wal-Mart” Marley, the guy who almost single-handedly saved Christmas in MA, Googled himself and found Scott’s post Have a Coke and a Heil.”  So, he honored this humble blog with some classified war reporting, which we feel compelled to share with a wider audience.  
Take for instance this important WOC manifesto: 
To all you cool-aid drinking secular progressives, I can understand your disappointment, you fought so long and so hard, notwithstanding, we have unraveled in weeks what it has taken years for you to achieve. When we are finished with the stores, the schools are next.
Zounds, despite his inability to spell, this Bob has foiled our carefully laid plan, which we have worked on for decades, to force Wal-Mart to commercialize some other religious winter holidays.  And Bob now has us on the run, for in this country you gotta take the stores. Then when you get the stores, you get the schools. Then when you get the schools, you get the power.  And when you get the power, you get the women. 
Or something like that.
Anyway, Bob also reveals another of his side’s secret plans with this comment:
One more thing, we will be on the Fox News Network tomorrow asking all Christians to crusade with us and knock the seculars’ back into corn-“flake” land where they came from.
Again, Merry Christmas to all
Wow, I wasn’t expecting some kind of Christmas crusade.
[Just then, to the flare of trumpets, in bursts in Cardinal Cratchit.  His empassioned speech goes a little something like this.]
NOBODY was expecting a Christmas Crusade!  Our chief weapon is stupidity…stupidity and bullying…Our two weapons are stupidity and bullying…and a ruthless sense of victimization.  Our three weapons are stupidity, bullying, and a ruthless sense of victimization…and an almost fanatical devotion to being on Fox News.   Our four…no… Amongst our weapons…. Amongst our weaponry…are such elements as stupidity, bullying…. I’ll come in again.
And so on.  But I imagine that Scott may have more to say to his new friend Bob (who is not to be confused with the new kitten Bob, whose only cause is liberating turkeys into cat gullets) — and if so, it will be both informative and full of seasonal cheer.
But speaking of Fox News, Bill O’Reilly is back from his Harvest Celebration vacation, and has already announced his victory over the forces of O.J. Simpson and retail stores, and his martyrdom at the hands of book reviewers and mental health professionals.
While on vacation last week, I cheered the Simpson victory from afar and the return of Christmas to most retail stores in America. Both are big wins for Americans, who believe this country stands for what’s right and promotes positive things like Christmas — a federal holiday that encourages good will toward all people.
Now I knew when I returned to work that the far left secular forces in America would not take kindly to those two victories and to the fact that my book “Culture Warrior” is a huge success. And I was correct. The print press clippings over Thanksgiving show stepped up attacks on me by fanatical SP columnists from coast to coast.
Many of these loons are still denying there is a Christmas controversy –even though one is before the Supreme Court right now.
“Controversy.”  “War.”  They are basically the same thing — and, per Bill, you are a loon or a liar if you think otherwise. 
Anyway, tune in tomorrow when we will be discussing little Ben Shapiro’s latest column on the Controversy on Terror (preview: it will remind you of Annie Jacobsen).  See you then!

19 Responses to “The Latest War On Christmas Casualty Report”

And when you get the power, you get the women.
Which power would get me the most female groupies? Clinging to walls and shooting sticky stuff out of my wrists? Or that healing factor that causes you to have broad shoulders and wear no shirt?
I mentioned this “War on Christmas” stuff at the family Thanksgiving dinner gathering (after the meal so that all were easily overtaken if they tried to escape) and, even from the more conservative folks, there was so much eye rolling that I thought I was seeing a massive simultaneous gran mal event. Maybe it was the stuffing.
Merry Christmas, Bob. Although it’s still November, so maybe a little early for the “Merry Christmassing”, unless you’re just trying to irritate us, which seems fruitless based on last year where we all wished each other Merry Christmas on, you know, Christmas, but also, I believe, other holidays as appropriate. For example, we wished each other Happy Groundhog Day back in February. You know, any excuse for a little good will.
Interestingly, though this site collects a variety of heathens and religious folk of all types, we seem to get along very well. That may have less to do with “cool-aid” drinking and more to do with not using cheerful greetings as bludgeons against each other. We’re funny that way. But, if you think your God wants you to go around turning salutations regarding his birthday into sarcastic verbal weapons, have at it.
Personally, I hope you have a Merry Christmas. And, as a pagan, I hope you have a pleasant Yule. For that matter, I hope all of December is pretty decent for you, because the alternative seems to be wishing you a happy 25th and a crummy 21st, an okay 24th and a depressing 16th-23rd, etc, which seems petty. I’m hoping to have a quite nice Christmas as well, undoubtedly in ways you’d be horrified by, but no matter, you already wished me a Merry Christmas and you can’t take it back just because you now realize you don’t approve of how I do it.
Incidentally, WalMart can say whatever it wants to whoever it wants, I don’t recall actually doing any hard work to make them stop. Perhaps that was the folks at Sadly, No!. It’d fit in with their philosophy. But please be aware that your holiday is so widely celebrated because those of us who are not Christians celebrate it too. Notably, we buy gifts and decorations and party goods. Quite a lot of it, in fact. I assume you support this or you’d make sure you were only wishing “Merry Christmas” to Christians.
The thing is, WalMart might do better sales among non-Christians if it recognizes their existence. Presumably WalMart puzzled that out at some point, which lead to their policy of, well, recognizing the existence of other people. Why give us, the seething non-Christian masses, the credit for a marketing decision by stores? It’s a little silly, really. I guess by the end of the year we’ll know if a larger target market is better than a smaller one. I would assume WalMart will make its decisions next year based on that, because, let’s face it, the company is perfectly willing to make its fulltime employees get foodstamps to supplement their wages; this is a company that pays attention to the bottom line above all else.
But personally, I tend to think that Christmas and the other holidays of winter should be celebrated in some way that brings joy to many people. A banner in the WalMart may not be the ideal way to go on that, but to each his own, I suppose.
So Merry Christmas, Bob. And happy holidays.
Since Wal-Mart and other retailers start promoting end-of-the-year indebtedness before Thanksgiving, I always thought they were only boosting their sales pitch by lumping together all the November-December holidays together. If they’re dropping Happy Holidays in favor of Merry Christmas, what will the New Years’ Eve celebrants have to say about this in a year of two? Bill better look into this War on New Years!
this site collects a variety of heathens and religious folk of all types
And let’s not forget the atheists among us who can’t wait to set up the Christmas Tree, and to watch the Charlie Brown Christmas special, and Olive the Other Reindeer.
Generalissimo Marley,
Apologies for interrupting that endless Davey and Goliath tape loop in your head, sir, but I thought you should be made aware of the fact that while it’s possible to pull off such an illustrious campaign as yours against Wal*Mart, the reason is they don’t give a shit about anything except sales, and Wal*Mart is particularly vulnerable to the inbred mouth-breather demo that is Fox News stock in trade. (You’ll forgive the rough language, sir, but it is wartime.) Before attacking the education establishment, sir, you might want to consider that it will be fairly clear to the enemy that the Generalissimo and his troops have never had any use for its products, rendering a boycott useless.
Great blog! You’re right about O’Reilly. He is a lunatic who just makes stuff up as he goes along.
“Heathens” is here derived from “godless heathens”, used in this context ironically. I would absolutely never forget y’all, I have a housefull of atheists. My other categories are “pagans” and “one-godders” (Yes, that includes our Muslim and Jewish friends.)’
I still don’t have a category for Buddhists. Suggestions, anyone? And do you agnostics mind being lumped in with the heathens?
And Doghouse, it is time once again to note that I love you.
Psst, s.z., Bob sounds much like old Japanese saying “All your base belong to us”
I wonder if he knows about the “war on Jesus statuettes on SUV dashboards”? That’s still in the planning stages.
Pagans, as in “People Against Goodness And Normalcy” according to 1988′s movie Dragnet? Let’s skip the goat dance and move straight on to the virgin Connie Swayle.
Out of curiosity, S.Z. and Scott, have you guys considered declaring your blog the official front of the War on Christmas? You’ve got the acronym already, after all. Maybe some flashy “WoC” merchandise, a temporary banner, a flash Whack-A-Mole game with Bill O’Reilly and John Gibson….
Please, it’s “Kool-Aid”. With a “k”
On a related subject, it’s not “King Vitamin”, it’s “King Vitaman“. It has a second “a”.
I can’t tell you how often I see that one.
As for O’Reilly: Apparently Real Americans hate Native Americans and their heathen rituals.
Although I imagine most Native Americans practice Christmas, it’s kind of funny to me that a tradition brought in and enforced by immigrants is more “American” then traditions created by actual Americans.
I guess Bill eould agree that the Day of the Dead is more patriotic then Halloween, too.
These guys are a bunch of morons. If anybody wants to fight a REAL war on Christmas, that is, the economic propaganda festival that the Christmas Nazis are fully buying into, visit our site at Happy Holidays all!
Please, it’s “Kool-Aid”. With a “k”
True, but it wasn’t Kool-Aid mixed with cyanide that the good Rev. Jim Jones and his followers used to reach Heaven; it was grape “Flavor-Aid.”
Is that stuff around anymore?
[Quick Google search]
Why yes, yes it is.
But, um, sir, what if we *like* Christmas as an ecumenical consumerist holiday of goodwill and gift scarves and stripey candy and ponies? Frankly, there’s no way to turn back the clock and make you people stop stealing my holiday, so I figure the best solution is to strip it of all exclusionary meaning and put all celebrants back on an equal footing. And, really, consumerism is more or less the only way to do that. It’s what it’s halfway to already, and it’s what Americans, at least, do by default.
(Believe me, if Americans by default went to drunken pear-bobbing rather than shopping, I’d be pushing that to replace the sectarianism. But we really only have a couple of choices, and, knowing my fellow citizens, we probably actually only have the one. Hell, we’d turn April Fool’s Day into a consumerist orgy if someone could just work out the cards.)
So, if I want a deep spiritual experience around the birth of Christ, I should lookl for it at….Wal-mart?!
Yes, O’Reilly, let’s celebrate “a federal holiday that encourages good will toward all people” by calling other people “fanatical”, “loons” and “liars”. That’ll get ‘em back into the Xian fold!
The thing that I don’t get is, how bad are the schools in Lynnfield? For those of you who don’t know MA, Lynnfield is an affluent Republican town, these “boys” are pushing 50 and on top of being a little “off” they’re more than a little functionally illiterate. I know Republican town = no taxes, but a lot of athletes and so on live up there, you’d think they’d have better schools.
Otherwise, good on them for attacking the secularism of the malls. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that after my visit to Santa I was mugged in the parking lot by an entity that look suspiciously like a menorah wielding Grinch. And there wasn’t a single caroller to come to my aid. I’m just saying.
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