The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Monday, February 21, 2011

The 2007 GOP Pin-Up Calendar

You can buy it here, and it’s only $25! And, as Ken Mehlman told me in an email, “A longstanding tradition in the homes of our Party’s most loyal members, the 2007 RNC Calendar helps you show your continued support for our cause.” So, I know that you too will want to buy several copies for fear of being branded one of the most disloyal Party members, and being sent to the gulag.

Plus, it’s a nice visual depiction of the raison d’être of the Republican Party: covering up fears about one’s manliness. Here’s Mr. August to demonstrate my thesis:

Another man might have allowed himself to consider the niggling suspicion that the white Marlborough Man cowboy hat was a tad over the top, and that people might get the impression that he was over-compensating for something – but only Dick “Dick” Cheney would dare to combine said hat with a giant soft-focus phallic symbol. And that’s why he’s our Vice President.

While this is a great photo, the other month’s shots are also impressive. So impressive, in fact, that we want to use them for our next ”Caption This” contest, which we are going to start today.

So, if you think you’re man enough, caption THIS!

Best answer wins a digital copy of the June centerfold.

Posted by s.z. on Wednesday, November 29th, 2006 at 4:45 am.

99 Responses to “The 2007 GOP Pinup Calendar”

“President Bush Pretends He Can Read.”
“On only his third try George correctly decides which object he should be talking into.”
You mean this is not a calendar you cooked up? ASs Hank McCoy would say, oh my stars and garters…
“Hmm. Muh ahglasses taste kinda salty.”
Sorry to interrupt the caption contest, but is Bush copping a feel in October?
“Hi. I’m Rula Lenska. Alberto VO-5 Boingy Boingy Spray® keeps my locks sprightly, and only slightly smelling of dead flounder. I also spritz it around my naughties, as it relaxes the kinkiness of pubic hair, allowing me to comb and part it! Get yours at CVS Pharmacy and other fine retailers!”
Ah think ah saw that perfesser fella on Gilligan’s Island in this pose once. Looks smart. That guy built a radio out of a coconut!
“Yes Congressman Foley, you make me horny.”
“Mr. President, you have a phone call…” from the Chief of Police in Buenas Aires.
And darkell takes the lead…
“mmm, licorice”
“OK. I switched the phone and the glasses. Does that look better?”
Proving his criticis wrong, Bush demonstrates for the camera that he can chew on his glasses AND hold a phone to his ear at the same time
“Now, now, yer sayin’ that Ah kin git three medium pizzers for $5 each? With one toppin’? That sounds lahk a thumpin’ good deal…what kinda toppins’ kin Ah git?”
Mr. Bush apparently thought that he was “on hold” for more than an hour before one of his aides told him that the antique device was for display purposes only.
Presidunce Bush then hung up the glasses and placed the phone over his eyes.
Presidentialating is Hard work
“…and so the President, fixing his steely gaze upon objects, unseen, ‘stayed the course’ for the entirety of his seventeen-hours on hold with Dell.”
January 20, 2009. Just after the inauguration of President Hillary Clinton, the folly in legalizing warrantless wiretapping suddenly strikes former President Bush.
“Legacy, legacy, need a legacy… my left nut for a legacy… hmmm… This is a tough one. Boy. Legacy, legacy — oh, wait, I’ve got it! Get the president of Subaru on the line!”
“Hey Condi…what’re you wearing?”
“Hmm… Harriet was right when she said I should part my hair down the middle to match my 18th century policies. It works for me. I’ll have to ask her what she’d think if I grew a handlebar moustache.”
“What do you mean by ‘I’ll give you something to suck on’, Dick?”
“‘Exactly’? I still don’t get it.”
“What do you mean by ‘You will’?”

“So, you say all yer money’s locked up in a Nigerian bank? And you need a ‘Merican partner to get it out? And I can get a cut of it? Sounds good to me. Here’s my bank account number…”
“mmm..yes, Dick…mm hmm…I see…can do…I will read it…yes, I will read it…”
meanwhile, in the head….
“…what IS that over there?… what the HELL is that thing over there….as soon as Dick quits talking I am gonna go over there and see what is over in those bushes”

“Whut’s that Laura? A half-billion dollars isn’t a good price for a lieberry? But… But… But… It’s in Peotone! It’s teh Peotone Public Lieberry!!1! Well, um… ‘cos we kin privatize it!

Dang- Mommy tole me not tuh clean muh ears out with muh glasses no more- taste lahk
kinda good, though.

“OK, Jeff, I took off my tie, now you take off your shirt…”
Now first of all, I don’t think dick’s hat is bad in and of itself. If it had, y’know, LIVED a little, had a couple of good creases and bends, had a little dirt on it, some smudges and stuff,it wouldn’t look like a movie prop. And then it might look a little more like it belonged where it is. Now, it looks like it doesn’t even fit.
As for the caption, I was going to riff on the whole “On hold waiting for the Dell service technician” but somebody got there first so I’ll just go now…
singing to himself:
“Master of the house
Doling out the charm
Ready with a handshake
And an open palm”

I might need to get one of these calendars. You never know when a good emetic could come in handy.
A soft sadness descended on the President as he realized that eyeglasses weren’t much good for picking and eating boogers.
“Hello? Geico?”
Damn, E.T. made this whole thing look so easy.
Uh-huh, civil etc…Maliki, I’m gonna have to call you back, my 2 o’clock shiny thing wielding magician just came in.
GW reflects back on his missing Air National Guard days as he listens to Jenna describe her and Barbara’s Argentine vacation.
Did I clean my ear with this? Sure tastes like it
(voice on phone) “…well Sir, as outlined in the report the troop levels are insufficient to sustain that…”
(Bush thinks) “…and if I flick my wrist just like this (heh heh) I can hit Condi on the back of the head, then all the guys can tell me how great a shot I am…”

“I wonder if anyone else can smell that one.”
“Away from their natural habitat and presented with the artifacts of homo sapiens, these majestic simians can appear almost human at moments.”
“Ah likes talkin’ on the phone. Ah cun day-dream alls ah wonts and don’t have to preten’ tuh be payin’ attenshun.”
March Caption:
“I’m thinkin’, see? I’m the thinker President. These glasses prove that I read, then I take off the glasses and I think about what I’ve read. And what I’m `a thinkin’ then tells me what I believe. So my thinkin’ tells my gut what to believe, then my gut tells the American people what I believe. Well, OK, my mouth tells them. But it’s not that hard to understand when you understand the process. Of thinkin’.”
Why is this guy going on and on about Iraq? God it’s boring. What’s that out there, it doesn’t look familiar. Maybe I am in Washington. Yes, I must be. When this guy is done talking I am going to go on the Google and have a look at my ranch. Ya, the ranch, no one calls me there, I dig for bugs, Barney never talks about Iraq…ya, the ranch. Oh damn, now this guy is going on about North Korea. Oh wait, it’s not a guy, it’s that woman.
You nailed it! First he’s the Decider, now he’s the Thinker. That makes sense, if you’re thinking…I mean, think about it…I think thinking is something to think about thoughtfully, don’t you think?
“Hey Pickles! This is what thinking looks like.”
Can I get Katherine Harris in a bikini? Or that shot of her on a horse?
How about Mean Jean on all fours?
“If you would like to make a call, please hang up and try again…”
“Yes Mr. President. Riding your bike without falling off IS worthy of a “Mission Accompished” banner. I’ll send a Fox News reporter and a banner right over”!
Hey, Pickles! This is what thinking looks like.
I had ribs for lunch.
Stay classy Iraq.
“Hello, Operator? I need you to connect me to the Internets! I’m trying to reach the Google.”
Thinkin’ hurts, better bite on somethin.
Hmmm. Condi’s wearin’ a thong… Niiiice…
“Now where did I put that fart joke book…?”
“Big Mac…large fries………….small Coke.”
Thinkin bout stuff.
[...] Link [...]
When I bite the arm of some eyeglasses I’ve never been seen wearin’, it makes muh look all integellent. Heh heh heh.
bush’s newest plan against wire tapping before your 30. abstain from speaking.
“You say a plane just hit the second tow… – wait, i got somethin’ stuck in my teeth”.
I sure do wish I coulda had the hat. Dick looks all Cowboy-like. Maybe if I bite down real hard…that’s it.
am i a top, or bottom?
How hard can it be? I told you them butt pyramid videos are gittin old! I need FRESH wankin’ material!
What time did you say Sesame Street was on?
hmmm…where are my damned glasses?
What month is Reagan’s corpse?
“This business about graceful exit just simply has no realism to it at all.”
I’m a little teapot, short and stout…
The president takes a moment to review all his options before a key decision. Ultimately, spaghettios would win the day.
President Bush puts warrantless wiretapping to good use by listening in on a conversation between Nancy Pelosi and Rahm Emanuel discussing the democratic strategy, which meets the Bush Administration’s criteria for a terrorism plot.
Knowing what to say was much easier when I had that transmitter strapped to my back during the debates with John Kerry. Where did I leave that thing?
March is appropriate for Bush, since he’s crazier than a March hare.
HHHMMMM…Old “Dead Eye” Dick Cheney just invited me to go hunting…. Ya know, with a face full of buckshot from a “hunting accident”, I may just get that surge in popularity I have been lookin’ for…..
Go to the website and order a negative quantity and your credit card will be reimbursed money! Try it!!
Hey Dick, I’m wearing that thong you sent me for Christmas last year!
“Now, now, yer sayin’ that Ah kin git three medium pizzers for $5 each? With one toppin’? That sounds lahk a thumpin’ good deal…what kinda toppins’ kin Ah git?”
Left by actor212 on November 29th, 2006
Actor212 For The WIN!!!
“Gotta go, I think I see some brush that needs clearing.”
Yes Mother, I’m listening.
“Hello and welcome to the automated response system of HOT MILITARY STUD .COM. For Jeff Gannon press 1…”
I’ll show them that I am a serious thinker with this photograph…
“I will NOT go back to being Janice Lester!”
The photographer, after having spent the better part of 3 hours removing the frames end piece from the inside of the presidents nose, finaly used the “stunt hands” to hold the props and get the picture he needed for the calander…
[...] That’s Vice President Dick Cheney, pardners, looking all manly and traditional values-y, and NOTHING, I repeat, nothing, like some 5-deferment-taking pussy from the Vietnam era, in the 2007 RNC calendar. [...]
Why am I so fuckin’ dumb??
President Bush: Talks on Phones…Bites on Glasses…Does other smart people stuff!
This needs made into an action figure PRONTO.
“My, these glasses taste good in my mouth…. I wonder if I could sniff ‘em.
I need something to help me when I speak with mother…
Fucking Photographer. “
God, is that you…I need to talk to you about the war you told me to start.
“Hello, Dick? Just got off the phone with Nancy Pelosi and she suggested we request to be buried face down when we die…I don’t understand what she means by that?
Oh, I see, that DOES make sense. So we can see where we’re going.”
Hmm. I wonder what that there squirrel is doing? He’s just sitting there by that fence. And what’s up with the white hat? Must be compensating for something. What a strange squirrel. Oh wait. That ain’t no squirrel. That’s Dick.
i guess with the coming year the republicans will need something to remind them of the happier times when bush was king and the world was all loving stars and smiles for the leader of the right wing world. missing are pictures of rove, rumsfeld, santorum and on and on. i can see them sitting at home staring longingly at these images.
Wow, You really can order negative quantities! I think I just found my get rich quick scheme.
Always thinking: In the western white house, glasses double as toothpicks.
“Man, they don’t make straws in glasses as big as they did… I’ll stay the course and suck harder. “
errrrrkk….squeeeeeeeee…crackle….whistle………squeee………buzz. ‘Heh, heh, Dick Cheney’s got a recording of C3PO on his answering machine. I never knew he was such a fan. Geez, this is taking a long time, let me check the number. Let’s see Dick Cheney (f) 555-1212. Yep, f for fone, I got the right number. Well, I guess I had better wait, no sense cuttin’ and runnin’ now, I’ve got 2 hours invested in this call.
Voice On Phone: “… and thank you for calling ‘Fart Joke Of The Day.’ Your number will be billed $3.6 billion, as is customary for recorded joke hotlines. Call again tomorrow for another hilarious fart joke! pFffFtt!”
The Decider-In-Chief: “Ah-heh. Ah-heh-heh-heh! He, y’know, blew one! Doggies, if that ain’t HI-larious! Jeeee-HOsephat! Heh! Ah-heh-heh-heh! SquEEeeEE-alllll!!”
Subcaption: “The defecit, explained.”
“Wait a minute. Ah’m the Decider, an ah’ll decide if we’re winnin’ in Iraq or not.”
obama’s middle name is Hussien, umm.
[...] SZ tells us where we can pick up our very own GOP 2007 calender. [...]
[...] SZ tells us where we can pick up our very own GOP 2007 calender. [...]

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