Sure, the big news today is the elections, but the REAL contest you should be contemplating is the Ultimate Wingnut of 2006.
Okay, we haven’t contemplated it like we should this year — and with less than two months remaining in 2006, it’s going to have to be an abbreviated battle. Maybe we’ll get you to help us select wingnuttery’s Top Twenty of the year, representing 4 of 5 categories, and then we can all whittle them down (so to speak), until only one is remaining.
Tomorrow we will open the floor to nominations.
I have a feeling that some people from last year won’t make the short list this time. Ann Coulter, for instance. Sure, she’s still evil and stuff, but she’s also old, tired, and stale (like that Twinkie that you found when you finally cleaned under the fridge), and frankly, nobody cares about her anymore. (Well, her mother still cares, possibly — and maybe her local cigarette wholesaler — but that’s about it.)
But hey, we will let YOU, the folks, decide — and if you decide wrong, that’s why we rigged all those electronic poll machines.
Somebody else who probably won’t make the Top 20 cut is Lil’ Debbie Schlussel, mostly because she just wants it too much. Here’s part of a Wall Street Journal article that provides some information about Debbie’s misguided campaign to be somebody. (The piece is from a couple of weeks ago, so you may have already read it, but I hadn’t, and that’s all that counts.)
But hey, here’s a tip we can use:
Okay, we haven’t contemplated it like we should this year — and with less than two months remaining in 2006, it’s going to have to be an abbreviated battle. Maybe we’ll get you to help us select wingnuttery’s Top Twenty of the year, representing 4 of 5 categories, and then we can all whittle them down (so to speak), until only one is remaining.
Tomorrow we will open the floor to nominations.
I have a feeling that some people from last year won’t make the short list this time. Ann Coulter, for instance. Sure, she’s still evil and stuff, but she’s also old, tired, and stale (like that Twinkie that you found when you finally cleaned under the fridge), and frankly, nobody cares about her anymore. (Well, her mother still cares, possibly — and maybe her local cigarette wholesaler — but that’s about it.)
But hey, we will let YOU, the folks, decide — and if you decide wrong, that’s why we rigged all those electronic poll machines.
Somebody else who probably won’t make the Top 20 cut is Lil’ Debbie Schlussel, mostly because she just wants it too much. Here’s part of a Wall Street Journal article that provides some information about Debbie’s misguided campaign to be somebody. (The piece is from a couple of weeks ago, so you may have already read it, but I hadn’t, and that’s all that counts.)
America’s Next Top PunditA head, for starters.
What does it take to be a talking head?
Whenever news breaks — on the fall campaign trail, in North Korea, in the most trivial corners of Hollywood — thousands of pundits have something to say. What most of them don’t have is somewhere to say it.
Every morning, Tammy Haddad, executive producer of MSNBC’s “Hardball with Chris Matthews,” hears from more than 100 aspiring commentators. They each explain why they’d be the perfect guest to spout off on the issues of the day. “We call them ‘street meat,’ ” says Ms. Haddad. “They’re always available, walking the streets, waiting for your call on their cellphones.”You know, with over 100 street meats to chose from each day, you’d think they could find somebody better than Matthews.
They are the minor-league pundits — political consultants, professors, activists, actors, journalists, bloggers and opinionated civilians — and they’re using 21st-century stunts to troll for airtime.And speaking of trolls . . .
Debbie Schlussel, 37 years old, supports her pundit habit by practicing commercial law in suburban Detroit. She is among the most proactive B-list pundits. Almost daily, she emails her appearanceUh oh! Bad move, Debbie! That will scare them all away for sure!
. . . schedule, availability or sharp-elbowed conservative commentaries to 5,000 people in media and politics.And almost daily, 5,000 spam filters keep Debbie’s emails from annoying the intended recipients.
In the wake of North Korea’s recent nuclear test, a hawkish Ms. Schlussel hit the radio circuit, saying U.S. officials responded too mildly in calling the test “a provocative act.” “A Paris Hilton video is a provocative act,” she said. “What North Korea did was an act of war.” To get noticed, Ms. Schlussel says, “I’ve become the master of the confrontational sound bite.”And to get noticed, Glenn Close’s character boiled a bunny. Neither method of attaining recognition is something to be proud of, IMHO.
“She’s fearless,” says Ms. Haddad, “and we need provocateurs willing to poke other people.”Haddad apparently moonlights as a producer of those Bum Fight videos.
Still, with 1,765 pundits on the producer’s list of contacts, Ms. Schlussel has lots of competition for air time.
The proliferation of pundits in the last half-decade has been fueled by 24-hour cable news networks, which are built in part on the relatively cheap framework of heated discussions.Maybe we’d all be better off if CNN et. al. just aired the bum fights
At the top of the pundit pecking order are those with hit TV or radio shows, such as Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly.Okay, if that’s the top tier of punditry, who in their right mind would aspire to rise up in the ranks? (Other than Debbie, of course).
Next are the top-tiered right- and left-wing spinmeisters who’ve won big book deals, like Ann Coulter and Al Franken. A few steps below them are the reliable sound-bite artists — Arianna Huffington, Ed Rollins, James Carville, Donna Brazile, Bob Shrum and Bay Buchanan.
Minor leaguers, meanwhile, are most likely to get a call from the Bigs when A-listers are too busy or lazy to go on TV. Holiday weekends, for instance, are times when up-and-comers get to show up and shine.Yeah, we all remember James Taranto’s announcement on his WSJ blog a couple of years ago, which informed all TV and radio bookers that he was available for anything, anything at all! on Thanksgiving Day. Sad, really.
But hey, here’s a tip we can use:
Media advisers also have tips to help bloggers get noticed by bookers running online searches. Mr. Crowther tells bloggers to find two- and three-word combinations and to use them repeatedly in their copy. Ambitious bloggers take those targeted key words — “patriotic Republicans,” for instance, or “Bush administration mistakes” — and include them in comments posted on other people’s blogs, with links to their own pages.Readers: Please help this blog by thinking of some targeted key words with which we can spam the Internet, and thus get noticed by the junior high students who do research for Sean Hannnity, and then get booked on his show. (I was thinking of something like “conservative martyr” or “brain dead Christian victim.”)
To raise her profile, Ms. Schlussel blogs all day long, and works every other angle, too.And yet, she’s still best known for this photo. Let me repeat it: ”sad, really.”
So far this year, Ms. Schlussel has appeared on more than 600 radio shows and 35 TV programs, she says. But while Ms. Coulter, America’s most-famous blonde pundit, earns millions, the also-blonde Ms. Schlussel has earned well under $10,000 this year from her punditry, she says.And what lesson should we take from this? (Other than that Debbie came by her blondeness as honestly has Ann came by her millions.)
Last year, Jason Alexander was on Howard Stern’s show pitching a children’s book he’d written. Ms. Schlussel called in and berated the “Seinfeld” actor for supporting OneVoice, a group that advocates nonviolent conflict resolution in the Middle East. Ms. Schlussel charged that the organization has ties to Hamas. Mr. Stern got laughs saying he’d like to create a “Six Degrees of Separation” game based on her ability to connect any person to terrorists in six links or less.
After much arguing, and repeated impersonations of a raving Ms. Schlussel by Mr. Stern’s sidekicks, Mr. Alexander lamented on air that he “came in to talk about a children’s book and ended up being branded a terrorist.”
Ms. Schlussel thought the segment made great theater.Here’s an idea for her next Stern appearance: Debbie finds a little girl who read Alexander’s book, and publicly accuses the tot of being a terrorist. Then Debbie could call the FBI, and while the feds take away the moppet and she cries for her mommy, Debbie could sneer at the kid for being a wuss, just like all member of CAIR. It will be even greater theater!
Ask her to survey the punditry landscape, from the A-list on down, and she gets contemplative. “Who is good who does what I do?” she says out loud as she thinks. Soon enough, the answer comes to her. “Me!”Well, while Debbie might not be the best at what she does (we think that honor goes to Satan), we hope her delusions of grandeur comfort her on those long, lonely nights.
34 Responses to “The Rick Santorum of C-Listers”
They forgot to mention she also walks the streets with a sign that says “Will be confrontational for food”.
Isn’t it great when the need for attention becomes a virtue.
Isn’t it great when the need for attention becomes a virtue.
I honestly don’t know whether to pity her or hate her.
Is it okay if I do both?
As for “Ultimate Wingnut”, how about Mark Driscoll, the Pastor who blamed Ted Haggard’s visits to a male prostitute for sex and crystal meth on his wife letting herself go? Or does that make him more of an asshole than a wingnut? There’s so much overlap between the two it’s hard to tell. In any case, Marky seems to be a Doug Giles wannabe, which is even sadder than being an Ann Coulter wannabe.
http://www.pandagon.net/2006/11/06/hip-fundamentalism-means-double-your-misogynist-pleasure/
Is it okay if I do both?
As for “Ultimate Wingnut”, how about Mark Driscoll, the Pastor who blamed Ted Haggard’s visits to a male prostitute for sex and crystal meth on his wife letting herself go? Or does that make him more of an asshole than a wingnut? There’s so much overlap between the two it’s hard to tell. In any case, Marky seems to be a Doug Giles wannabe, which is even sadder than being an Ann Coulter wannabe.
http://www.pandagon.net/2006/11/06/hip-fundamentalism-means-double-your-misogynist-pleasure/
And how about Patricia Heaton, the spokesmodel for Feminists For Life, an organization that has as much credibility to actual feminists as the Log Cabin Republicans do to GLBT folk.
Less so, Bill. I mean, gay people can want tax cuts and be hide-under-the-bed scared of terrorists too. I have no idea what “Feminists for Life” has that would appeal to actual feminists. Birthday cards suitable for the Red Hat ladies, maybe.*
And, does Mel Gibson count as a wingnut?
* Was that too obscure? I have to ask, because I made a fabulous Iron John joke over at NMMNB last week and everybody completely ignored it. I was heartbroken.
And, does Mel Gibson count as a wingnut?
* Was that too obscure? I have to ask, because I made a fabulous Iron John joke over at NMMNB last week and everybody completely ignored it. I was heartbroken.
Okay, they walk the streets and are ready any time, anywhere. They do it to support a habit and are known as street meat.
“Debbie Schlussel, 37 years old, supports her pundit habit by practicing commercial law in suburban Detroit.”
So what’s the difference between a crack whore and Little Debbie? There are some things that even a crack whore won’t do. Oh, and a crack whore wouldn’t be seen with Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly.
Hey, gotta go clean the House. It smells like shit in there. Vote early. Vote often.
“Debbie Schlussel, 37 years old, supports her pundit habit by practicing commercial law in suburban Detroit.”
So what’s the difference between a crack whore and Little Debbie? There are some things that even a crack whore won’t do. Oh, and a crack whore wouldn’t be seen with Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly.
Hey, gotta go clean the House. It smells like shit in there. Vote early. Vote often.
Yes, D. Sidhe, Melvin counts.
Not to blog-whore… much, I’ve been studying Debbie Schlussel for awhile now and I cannot think of a better candidate for Wingnut of the Year. In fact when I want to describe something or someone that is equal parts crazy and stupid I say it’s / they’re schlussel.
For those unfamiliar with her please see here for why when it comes to wingnuts no one is more schlussel than Debbie.
Or just check our her review of V for Vendetta. That sort of says it all.
For those unfamiliar with her please see here for why when it comes to wingnuts no one is more schlussel than Debbie.
Or just check our her review of V for Vendetta. That sort of says it all.
Wow. Debbie is fucking pathetic. Does anyone have a link to that Howard Stern segment?
2006 has been a great year for wingnuttery. It seems like every time I’d say to myself, “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever read,” I’d read something even stupider five minutes later. It will be difficult to choose just one.
2006 has been a great year for wingnuttery. It seems like every time I’d say to myself, “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever read,” I’d read something even stupider five minutes later. It will be difficult to choose just one.
To quote Flounder in Animal House….Ooooooooooooooo, this is going to be GREAT!
Poor Debbie: merely an aspiring protitute, not like those whores!
and I’d correct my spelling if only I could…
I find the fact that Lil’ Debbie could live within fifty miles of me to be frightening!
As for nominations for this year’s UW, I’d like to suggest James Dobson for the following reasons:
1. His “I don’t know Ted Haggard” routine
2. His stumping here in Michigan for Dick “The Quitter” DeVos.
http://devos.wordpress.com/2006/11/06/dickiewood-squares-good-fellas-edition/
As for nominations for this year’s UW, I’d like to suggest James Dobson for the following reasons:
1. His “I don’t know Ted Haggard” routine
2. His stumping here in Michigan for Dick “The Quitter” DeVos.
http://devos.wordpress.com/2006/11/06/dickiewood-squares-good-fellas-edition/
For Ultimate Wingnut I’m torn between Rush mocking Parkinson’s victims and Bush insisting Cheney and Rumsfeld “are doing fantastic jobs,” although the latter is more damaging to the country.
Oh, come on. If you are going to name someone “Ultimate Wingnut” there is really only one choice:
http://www.ultimatewarrior.com/
After all, “queering doesn’t make the world work”, you know.
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2392306821800666246
At the very least, he should be the official mascot of the Utlimate Wingnut competition.
http://www.ultimatewarrior.com/
After all, “queering doesn’t make the world work”, you know.
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2392306821800666246
At the very least, he should be the official mascot of the Utlimate Wingnut competition.
Does anyone ever think about entering George W. Bush in these contests? Stupid? Check. Evil dressed up as religious? Check. Head up ass? Check. I think he pretty much qualifies, especially given the effect that he, personally, has had on this year’s elections.
Nah, BTW, it’s always been my impression that you’re only a wingnut if you have no real power whatsoever. If we’re allowed to nominate politicians, then the roster would just be the list of Congressional Republicans.
So it begins…jammed phones, broken machines, long lines, intimidation… Why does everyone think this year will be different? They already stole 2 presidential elections (wide scale fraud). You really think they cannot steal House/Senate/Governor elections (small scale fraud)? This is the same group that managed to legalize warrantless wiretaps, suspend habeas corpus, ban books like “America Deceived” from Amazon, detain demonstrators and start 2 illegal wars based on lies. The Republicans will probably lose a few seats today to make it look good but maintain a majority. Then they’ll invade Iran on behalf of Israel.
Support indy media.
Final link (before Google Books bends to gov’t will and drops the title):
http://www.iuniverse.com/bookstore/book_detail.asp?&isbn=0-595-38523-0
Support indy media.
Final link (before Google Books bends to gov’t will and drops the title):
http://www.iuniverse.com/bookstore/book_detail.asp?&isbn=0-595-38523-0
Realizing that The Debbie would do ANYTHING just for 5 minutes on cable television brings to mind my favorite line from THE STING.
It is the night before Redford and Newman are going to make the big play on Robert Shaw. Redford is twitchy and nervous, he can’t relax. Newman is calm and collected and points out that Shaw is going to play himself out of a million dollars, that Shaw is so desperate to prove himself that the Sting will run itself: “Relax, kid. You got him 20 years ago when he decided to be a big shot.”
It is the night before Redford and Newman are going to make the big play on Robert Shaw. Redford is twitchy and nervous, he can’t relax. Newman is calm and collected and points out that Shaw is going to play himself out of a million dollars, that Shaw is so desperate to prove himself that the Sting will run itself: “Relax, kid. You got him 20 years ago when he decided to be a big shot.”
So sad. The national debate is being framed by ratings-obsessed middle managers at TV and radio networks (who are far more evil than any group of devil worshippers or used car salesmen you’ll ever meet) desperately trying to book a master of the art of the cheap shot for the next talking-head cockfight. Liberal, conservative, same sickness.
BTW, loved Bill S.’s link to the article on how ministers can steer clear of temptation. (Headline: “Haggard’s Wife Trashes Thigh-Master, Dems Retake House & Senate!”) Do you think the assistant who intercepted the topless photo attachment had to replace his keyboard before everyone got back from lunch? (“uh, yeah, the keys were–what’s the word?–Sticking. Stuck.”)
BTW, loved Bill S.’s link to the article on how ministers can steer clear of temptation. (Headline: “Haggard’s Wife Trashes Thigh-Master, Dems Retake House & Senate!”) Do you think the assistant who intercepted the topless photo attachment had to replace his keyboard before everyone got back from lunch? (“uh, yeah, the keys were–what’s the word?–Sticking. Stuck.”)
I’m sure he was shocked, shocked, I tell you! And deleted it as soon is the printup completed.
Definitely include Mark Driscoll. He’s like Doug Giles doing an imitation of that asshole from Creed.
Another suggestion: I’ve really been goggling at the inspired lunacy of The Anchoress lately. Perhaps she could be placed with Peggy Noonan in a special Over the Cliffs of Insanity bracket.
Also, I know David Frum’s been a nonstarter much of the year, but his recent defenses of hypocrisy as a moral virtue are addled enough to be worth considering.
Another suggestion: I’ve really been goggling at the inspired lunacy of The Anchoress lately. Perhaps she could be placed with Peggy Noonan in a special Over the Cliffs of Insanity bracket.
Also, I know David Frum’s been a nonstarter much of the year, but his recent defenses of hypocrisy as a moral virtue are addled enough to be worth considering.
Jonah Goldberg’s been in fine form this year… or does he have too much power with his newspaper gig? I also must mention perennial nominees John Stossel and Mike Adams, the mac n’ cheese & mashed potatoes comfort food combo of wingnuttia.
Do borderline retarderd election predictions like those of Dean Barnett count? I only ask because right now some of them–especially Barnett’s with its tortured reasoning, read much like Hinderaker’s “Man of Genius” opus in ’05.
Hinderaker’s “misunderstood genius” comment is going to be hard to beat. But Powerline’s not been too good this year.
However, as Wolcott’s been saying today, K’Lo’s a contender. We haven’t heard much out of Dr. Mike this year but I bet he’ll have some good stuff to offer in the wake of the election, now that Nancy Pelosi’s going to force him to get gay-married.
However, as Wolcott’s been saying today, K’Lo’s a contender. We haven’t heard much out of Dr. Mike this year but I bet he’ll have some good stuff to offer in the wake of the election, now that Nancy Pelosi’s going to force him to get gay-married.
Wait a minute. How could I forget?
There is a rising force in Wingnut land, a reigning queen of the Island of Lost Pundits. One who will, I feel confident, end as the year’s ultimate wingnut. Combining all the frothing spume of Swank with the mainstream accessibility of the Powerliners, strong enough to pull the ears off a gundark, I nominate…
Pamela “Atlas Jiggled” Geller Oshry
There is a rising force in Wingnut land, a reigning queen of the Island of Lost Pundits. One who will, I feel confident, end as the year’s ultimate wingnut. Combining all the frothing spume of Swank with the mainstream accessibility of the Powerliners, strong enough to pull the ears off a gundark, I nominate…
Pamela “Atlas Jiggled” Geller Oshry
Nah, BTW, it’s always been my impression that you’re only a wingnut if you have no real power whatsoever.
heh, heh. Okay, in that case, let me second my nomination for George W. Bush…..
heh, heh. Okay, in that case, let me second my nomination for George W. Bush…..
General Woundwort
I think letting a professional wrestler be a contestant is unfair to the other pundits. He starts out with a distinct advantage.
My nomination is Dan Riehl, arguably the STOOPIDEST person on the planet
I think letting a professional wrestler be a contestant is unfair to the other pundits. He starts out with a distinct advantage.
My nomination is Dan Riehl, arguably the STOOPIDEST person on the planet
David E,
Pam’s official nickname is “Shrieking Harpy”…
Pam’s official nickname is “Shrieking Harpy”…
We haven’t heard much out of Dr. Mike this year but I bet he’ll have some good stuff to offer in the wake of the election, now that Nancy Pelosi’s going to force him to get gay-married
Holy God, I’m glad I’m not male. I’d hate to draw *that* short straw.
Holy God, I’m glad I’m not male. I’d hate to draw *that* short straw.
With Mike Adams, it’s not quantity that counts, but quality (or lack thereof)-he acheives such an extraordinary level of pure assholery that if he put out columns with the frequency of Pastor Swank, somebody would hav killed him in his sleep.
He’s always a contender.
He’s always a contender.
And how about Patricia Heaton
She also appeared in the anti-Michael Fox ad featuring various other C-list ‘celebrities’ that the MO wingnuts hammered together in about an hour (and it showed). One older fellow in my apartment building was watching the World Series, saying, “Who are these people? Am I supposed to recognize them?” Except for the baseball players, he couldn’t name a one of them. Obviously, I can’t even name the baseball players, so he was one up on me.
And Dr. Mike has been in rare form, people! He was invited to speak at PZ Myers’ University, and has been conducting a feud (in his own mind, of course) with PZ ever since. Apparently, Dr. Mike had girded his mighty loins for a Battle of the Titans, and PZ wasn’t interested enough to even ask him any questions. Hilarity ensued, via blogposts.
Dr. Mike is the man. Although Dan Riehl has been on fire, lately, too. It’s amazing that anyone that moronic manages to turn on a computer, much less blog. So I’m torn. Can I nominate them both?
She also appeared in the anti-Michael Fox ad featuring various other C-list ‘celebrities’ that the MO wingnuts hammered together in about an hour (and it showed). One older fellow in my apartment building was watching the World Series, saying, “Who are these people? Am I supposed to recognize them?” Except for the baseball players, he couldn’t name a one of them. Obviously, I can’t even name the baseball players, so he was one up on me.
And Dr. Mike has been in rare form, people! He was invited to speak at PZ Myers’ University, and has been conducting a feud (in his own mind, of course) with PZ ever since. Apparently, Dr. Mike had girded his mighty loins for a Battle of the Titans, and PZ wasn’t interested enough to even ask him any questions. Hilarity ensued, via blogposts.
Dr. Mike is the man. Although Dan Riehl has been on fire, lately, too. It’s amazing that anyone that moronic manages to turn on a computer, much less blog. So I’m torn. Can I nominate them both?
“Although Dan Riehl has been on fire, lately, too.”
IF ONLY.
Forgot about Danno. He definiately belongs on the list.
IF ONLY.
Forgot about Danno. He definiately belongs on the list.
“definitely”
See, he’s so irritating, I forgot how to spell correctly. Yeah. That’s it.
See, he’s so irritating, I forgot how to spell correctly. Yeah. That’s it.
All those categories make this nomination process too complex for my current mental state (Michigan!), so I’ll just toss a few out of a speeding car. Pammycakes, NY’s very own shrieking harpy has got to be in the running, somewhere.
As well as Coach Dave, the expert on raising Christian child molesters (fake quote, “Well, at least he’s straight!!11!!) as well as spaghetti pushing. Pulling, too, I understand. Perhaps he should change religions.
Lessee… “Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue…” Hmm. Well, Carey Roberts is something old… real, real old. And he has the advantage of not having been in last year’s contest. But, he’s not
the something new. he’s never something new. The last time Carey was something “new,” the majority of the world’s fishes were armored.
No, the “new” must be young Christian Hartsock, for two reasons. One, he has a really stupid name. Of course, it’d be a lot funnier if he converted to Islam. Or, Judaism. Or Cthulhuism. Or something. And two, I’d fuck him. Yeah, I know, how could I? Well, he is kinda physically attractive. The “virgin-by-choice” thing is pretty funny, once you realize that unlike the vBen, Chrissy actually could get laid if he wanted to. I bet a year’s supply of belly-button lint that he’s one of those Christians who thinks that it just isn’t sex if it isn’t “penis-into-vagina.” Stuff like BJs, handjobs, etc.=NOT SEX, so I bet lil’ Chrissy is gettin ‘em right and left. Then he feels guilty, even though it’s NOT SEX, and writes another mean-spirited column. Typical.
And we gotta include someone who should have done better last year. How about Kaye “G”rogan? She seems especially insane this year, particularly now!
As far as Swank goes, he should be barred from the religious category, ‘cos it isn’t fair if he’s in the house. So lets give him a WO’CMedal of Freedom a cardboard “Numbah won paster” medal. a handful of earwax, and a good, swift kick in the ass. If you want to let him compete in any of the categories besides religion, bring him on!
As well as Coach Dave, the expert on raising Christian child molesters (fake quote, “Well, at least he’s straight!!11!!) as well as spaghetti pushing. Pulling, too, I understand. Perhaps he should change religions.
Lessee… “Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue…” Hmm. Well, Carey Roberts is something old… real, real old. And he has the advantage of not having been in last year’s contest. But, he’s not
the something new. he’s never something new. The last time Carey was something “new,” the majority of the world’s fishes were armored.
No, the “new” must be young Christian Hartsock, for two reasons. One, he has a really stupid name. Of course, it’d be a lot funnier if he converted to Islam. Or, Judaism. Or Cthulhuism. Or something. And two, I’d fuck him. Yeah, I know, how could I? Well, he is kinda physically attractive. The “virgin-by-choice” thing is pretty funny, once you realize that unlike the vBen, Chrissy actually could get laid if he wanted to. I bet a year’s supply of belly-button lint that he’s one of those Christians who thinks that it just isn’t sex if it isn’t “penis-into-vagina.” Stuff like BJs, handjobs, etc.=NOT SEX, so I bet lil’ Chrissy is gettin ‘em right and left. Then he feels guilty, even though it’s NOT SEX, and writes another mean-spirited column. Typical.
And we gotta include someone who should have done better last year. How about Kaye “G”rogan? She seems especially insane this year, particularly now!
As far as Swank goes, he should be barred from the religious category, ‘cos it isn’t fair if he’s in the house. So lets give him a WO’C
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