The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Pearl Harbor for the Christmas Warriors

As s.z. mentioned below, World O’ Crap was recently favored with a visit by Bob Marley, the fearless Christmas Crusader and offspring of a mesalliance between a Jamaican reggae artist and the co-proprietor of a Victorian counting house. Bob posted his comments in a forgotten two week-old thread, which must have been fun since he had the place to himself, and could stay up as late as he wanted, make prank phone calls, and dance around in his underwear to old Bob Seger songs.

And why not? Much like the Democratic Party in the afterglow of the midterm elections, Bob is riding high. He, his brother Alfalfa, and the other guys in the He-Man Happy Holiday Haters’ Club have brought mighty Wal*Mart to its knees, and are about to bomb our educational system back to a pre-Madelyn Murray O’Hair state of grace.

From their impregnable base at, they labor ceaselessly to ensure that this season we all enjoy a more, shall we say, Cathaginian Peace on Earth; and as they roll on unopposed to…


Seems the juggernaut may have hit a bit of a snag. It appears that Bob forgot to renew his domain name.

Domain Name:
Name: Admin -
Organization: Maltuzi Holdings
Address: 800 West El Camino Real Suite 180
City, Province, Post Code: Mountain View, CA, 94040
Country: US
Phone: 650-814-6730

Creation Date: 11/27/06
Expiration Date: 11/27/07
Domain Status:

Maltuzi Holdings appear to be consummate cyber-squatters.  As one dissatisfied customer wrote:

If you came here looking for Maltuzi Holdings, you’re probably wondering what the hell is going on with your domain name.
Maltuzi Holdings picks up domains that others forget to pay for, buy domains that are misspellings of popular domains, and try to plant links to these domains in weblogs and forums. If they are contacted they play stupid better than any other company I’ve ever tried to deal with. Dont even bother trying to talk to them, it’s a waste of time.
Apparently, these guys are professional name-nappers. They lie in wait untill a domain name is free and then grab it–usually on the day the original registratione expires. They also excel in mass-registering deliberately mispelled domains in an effort to steal traffic.

Ordinarily, I’d feel bad for Bob and the rest of his Crusader Rabbits, especially since he probably directed people to his website when (or if) he appeared on Fox News. But since he feels that Christmas belongs in commercial establishments, then surely he also believes that commerce belongs in Christmas, and as any visitor to the new can see, it’s fiercely dedicated to the sale of merchandise with a traditional Christmas theme, such as cards, ornaments, and office supplies. Not to mention its many Yuletide links to airline travel, used cars, casino gambling, ringtones, and dating services for Jewish singles.

So I say to Bob, don’t despair! Don’t look upon this as a setback in your campaign, but as yet another way to touch people with the true meaning of Christmas. Yesterday, it was Wal*Mart. Today, the schools. And tomorrow, Real Estate Training and Pet Supplies!

Onward, Christian Soldiers! (Or, more specifically, Onward Those Who Support Our Christian Soldiers, But Feel That They Themselves Can Best Contribute To Our Ultimate Victory In The War On Christmas By Creating Websites And Then Forgetting About Them, But Making Up For It By Posting Comments In A Moribund Thread On Some Obscure Blog.)

26 Responses to “Pearl Harbor for the Christmas Warriors”

Lucky for Marley that Maltuzi grabbed his domain name. I had a friend who let his registry expire; some outfit grabbed it the next day and put up a porn site, and told him he could have his domain name back for an ungodly fee, paid in advance. (He ended up changing his domain name instead, cheaper but a huge hassle.) Imagine Marley having to explain THAT to all his religious zealout buddies!
That reminds me to make sure my domain name is renewed. I think that’s coming up again soon. Although it seems unlikely it would be replaced with a porn site. Believe me, no one would notice the difference, though possibly in a couple years someone might email to ask why there’s more pictures and where the turkey thing went. (Don’t ask.)
Poor Mr Marley. Some Scrooge has humbugged his monopoly on Baby Jesus. That didn’t come out quite right, but I kinda like it.
Bob, look at it this way: you’re just supporting the free market, and to do otherwise makes you a pinko commie who, really, should be over here celebrating the holidays with us liberals as we socialistically try to provide for demi-Hitler-kittens and kids who otherwise would be stuck with a Talking Jesus doll.
Join us, Bob! Be one with our causes! Or choose your own cause! We’re liberals! We don’t care! All we ask is respect, all we offer is respect. Join us!
*Singing* Du passe faisons table rase… Foules, esclaves, debout, debout! Le monde va changer a base! Nous ne sommes rien soyons tout! C’est la lutte finale, groupon-nous. Et demain L’Internationale sera le genre humane!…
(Correcting my French is entirely respectful. Have at it.)
Good Lord, I’m being moderated? What on earth made you guys wait this long?
It was the French. WordPress took exception to your provincial accent.
No, it wasn’t just the French, or the accent (although it sounded pretty good to me). It was the sentiment. “Foules, esclaves, debout, debout!” WordPress well knows that such an idea will immediately provoke the scrutiny of the NSA.
On Some Obscure Blog
ah, far from it. I read this first thing in the AM and several times during the day. I sing it’s praises far and wide, even unto the Great White North (and no, not to any of our great white wingnuts, to actual decent folk)
War on Christmas rule of thumb: If you really care one way or another whether people say “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holidays”, you are a dork. If you are actually willing to take the time to make a website about it and organize a boycott, you are a mega-dork. That settles it.
The whole point of whining if someone wishes them “Happy Holidays” is that the Christmas Warriors don’t want to be treated merely equally with others. If they’re not getting BETTER treatement (their holiday acknowledged, everyone else’s snubbed), it’s a “war” on them.
So instead of “Merry Christmas,” I suggest using the greeting they really want: “You poor, persecuted VICTIM!”
Well, all I can say is if my Target (located in the HEAVILY Jewish neighborhood bordering on West Hollywood) doesn’t start wishing ME and everyone else a “Happy Hanukkah”, I’m gonna declare that there is a War on Hanukkah!
[...] Original post by scott Tags: Christian Dating [...]
I don’t have anything to add, Scott, I just wanted to let you know that as I was driving home this afternoon I started singing “Implants and Underpants” right out of the blue.
Wow, I’m glad my domain name is self-renewing.
I can imagine ol’ Bob there is Googling his name again and coming across this eruption of interest, and grinding his teeth for the ridicule he’s too chicken to come in and face in real time…
Onward, Christmas molarrrrrrrrs…
OK, it was a stretch for a lame joke, but you gotta admit the set up was pretty good.
I wish someone would rerun Saturday Night Live’s skit about the night before Xmas and how Santa got food poisoning so his wife called their friend Hanukkah Harry to distribute the gifts.
As a classicist I must protest: It’s “Carthaginian”, not “Cathaginian.”
Surrender, Marley!
We of the Massachusetts website “” declare victory over Marley and his ilk! After all, if a commander can’t get the support and supply chain right, his soldiers will lose every battle!
No Christmas in MA this year, Marley. Happy Holidays!
They found a new site. It is:
Wow, check these fools out!
Gotta love these guys. From their list of Scrooge Stores: “Bed Bath & Beyond hung up the phone on us.” Waaah!
That’s nothing! This is what they write about Kohl’s:
“We don’t know what they are doing, there are 17 trees for sale and only one is called a Christmas Tree, the one that is upside down!!! That is completely disrespectful.
Instead of “symbolic” pointing to Heaven, the tree now points to HELL. We are finished with Kohl’s, for the rest of our lives, we will never shop at Kohl’s, the ANTI-CHRIST.”
It really has it all: capitals, insane outrage over something trivial and even entire paragraphs underlined. I think Marley’s been dragging his chains way too long a time.
Um. Okay, I’m gonna rescind my offer to Bob to join us liberals in our causes. ‘Cause, from the looks of his site, he’s going to be the guy standing in the middle of the protest with his sign backwards, yelling “Two Four Five Eight, Please Do Not Discriminate!”
We have enough problems, really.
Damn, I hate these lunatics. I have this really cool blinking lighted sign with retro style lettering that says “merry Christmas” and I don’t want to put it up because I don’t want any of my wingnut neighbors to take it as an invite to stop by for crazy talk. I’m going to go buy the “happy holidays” and “season’s greetings” signs instead just to piss them off. lol
If you put the Happy Holidays up *with* the Merry Christmas, it might keep them away anyway. Consider “peace on earth”, too. They don’t seem to be into that one.
Yeah, good point. I was extremely torn about buying Merry Christmas over Happy Holidays in the first place just because of this nonsense, but the MC is bigger and the script style is more stylin’. If I put up a peace sign and a HH too they’ll know they can’t claim me for their army of unnecessary seasonal confrontation.
[...] Read more: here [...]
“That’s nothing! This is what they write about Kohl’s:
“We don’t know what they are doing, there are 17 trees for sale and only one is called a Christmas Tree, the one that is upside down!!! That is completely disrespectful.
Instead of “symbolic” pointing to Heaven, the tree now points to HELL. We are finished with Kohl’s, for the rest of our lives, we will never shop at Kohl’s, the ANTI-CHRIST.”
I once worked for Kohl’s, and while I can’t vouch for their anti-Christfulness or not, I can tell you they don’t give a flying f@ck whether or not you have a Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy Channukah or a wonderful Pagan solstice. Like every other business entity in the universe, they need to make a lot of money during this season to stay afloat, and will do or say anything that helps attain that goal. These idiots can’t see the forest for the trees, and hopefully a well placed branch will bring some Social Darwinism into their otherwise pathetic, myopic lives.
Other than that, Merry Christmas!

No comments:

Post a Comment