The votes are in, and 9 out of 10 fetuses prefer defrocked Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich to President Barack Obama, according to RenewAmerica. In his weekly column, Reverend Michael Bresciani, who speaks fluent blastocyte, randomly samples a series of wombs, and reports that while Obama remains popular among America’s post-born youth, he enjoys far less support from members of the intrauterine electorate.
Barack Obama will finish his term of office in only four years if he is re-elected he will have four more years.
And if we don’t find that missing comma, we may never be rid of him.
No child born here in the U.S. or abroad will reach voting age before he finishes his term of office. Those aborted will never so much as hear who is running for office.
Which is a shame, because most fetuses — at least the ones I know — are obnoxious political junkies who’ll kick their mother’s insides black and blue until she turns on C-SPAN and presses her distended belly up against the screen.
We don’t need to ask the pro-choice crowd what they think of Obama’s first act as President and we can’t ask the aborted babies. If we could reach out to some place where their voices could be heard what would they say?
They’d probably sound all gargly-voiced like those singing mermaids in the It’s A Small World ride. But since we can’t stick a boom mic up a pregnant woman’s birth canal and not get arrested, we’ll have to rely upon Mr. Bresciani’s mastery of the placental telegraph. But before we follow him through the cervix, perhaps we should take a moment to vet the Reverend’s bona fides. According to his RenewAmerica biography:
“Rev. Michael Bresciani is a Christian author and a columnist for several online sites and magazines. His articles are now read in every country in the world.”
Even the tiny Republic of Togo. Anyway, back to polling the polliwogs…
On the question of Rod Blagojevich being ousted as Governor of Illinois for allegedly trying to sell Obama’s vacant senate seat I’m sure they could care less.
Apathetic Zygotes. Today on Oprah.
As for President Bush they may say they are thankful for the ban he provided so no U.S. taxpayers had to foot the bill for their murders.
Murder should be privately funded, ideally by faith-based charitable organizations. (It’s been my experience that fetuses are easily seduced by the novels of Ayn Rand, but most of them outgrow Objectivism by the time they’re crowning.)
They might also ask him why he hadn’t noticed that in his search for weapons of mass destruction he didn’t look a little closer to home. Roe v. Wade is the single greatest weapon of mass destruction to come along since the creation of atomic weapons. It has resulted in almost fifty times more loss of life than laid on Hiroshima and Nagasaki in WW II. They might add that “these are American lives not the lives of our enemies” as if we didn’t know that.
Fetuses are cute, but they can be real assholes with that whole “I told you so” attitude.
Can the deceased or aborted of one generation actually rise up and witness or testify against those of another generation? Let’s see.
This is a good time to mention Rev. Bresciani’s new book, Zombie Zygotes: How They Can Spice Up Your Next Revival Meeting.
It may be above Barack Obama’s pay grade to answer the question of when human life actually begins but is not above his pay grade to answer when it should end.
I’d say at least three paragraphs ago.
This is my answer and my pay grade is zero. I get nothing for writing these articles and I am still overpaid
No argument here, Reverend.
…because I have the pleasure of believing that my voice in some small way is the voice of the unborn children of this generation.
He’s the Kanye West of Protoplasm.
My answer is; life begins at the beginning. Every second thereafter it is a new life, a human being, already living and developing and crying out for only what we already have; a chance for “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.”
The Supreme Court has ruled that miscarriages are unconstitutional.
The last time I mustered the nerve to view an actual abortion video what I saw was mangled body parts and what seemed like rivers of blood.
I can’t help wondering what else is in this guy’s Netflix queue.
While I could not say for sure just what the voices of destroyed infants are saying I am sure that what I saw was real human blood. Innocent blood!
Of course, at times and in places where abortion is neither safe nor legal, you’ll also see rivers of blood. But it’s guilty blood, so it shouldn’t put you off your popcorn.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go write letters of apology on behalf of America to every country in the world.
Posted by scott on Tuesday, February 3rd, 2009 at 12:29 am.
24 Responses to “Zygotes Can Be Kind Of Douchebaggy”
But before we follow him through the cervix
You forgot the “Riddle of the Sphincter” joke.
You forgot the “Riddle of the Sphincter” joke.
He’s the Kanye West of Protoplasm.
My answer is; life begins at the beginning.
“it’s a very good place to start
When you read you begin with A-B-C
When you abort you begin with Roe-v-Wade”
more like the the Julie Andrews
My answer is; life begins at the beginning.
“it’s a very good place to start
When you read you begin with A-B-C
When you abort you begin with Roe-v-Wade”
more like the the Julie Andrews
Great. Now I’ll be up all night deciding whether to call my new band Apathetic Zygotes or Zombie Zygotes.
Almost blew one of my nostrils clean off my face on this one:
“Fetuses are cute, but they can be real assholes with that whole‘I told you so’ attitude.”
And then there’s…
‘The last time I mustered the nerve to view an actual abortion video what I saw was mangled body parts and what seemed like rivers of blood.’
“I can’t help wondering what else is in this guy’s Netflix queue.”
Best laugh that I’ve had since Friday night, and without the heartache of watching Bill Hicks’ mom get teary-eyed.
Well, the stench of hyperbole dug from the biohazard dumpsters behind abortion clinics tends to make me tear-up a BIT, but not quite enough to actually draw the tears OUT. For that, I hadda see the fucktarded motherfucker’s bio portrait.
Man, his daddy shoulda pulled out early.
Oh, and re: Kanye: Still love the telethon gag, but, um, when is somebody going to deflate this little prick?
“Because I have sacrificed real life to be a celebrity and to give this art to people, which is great. It is great that I was able to do that, I’m not trying to shun that in any way, but it’s definitely a Catch-22 and it’s bittersweet.”
Poor baby. Poor, poor baby. One can only ponder the inner reserves from whence he must groaningly extract such strength.
And Amy? Zombie Zygotes will render a much cuter logo, but Apathetic Zygotes will draw in the emo crowd. All depends upon your demographic, and whether or not they wanted Wayne & Garth to “make a go of it” with Wyld Stallyons.
“Fetuses are cute, but they can be real assholes with that whole‘I told you so’ attitude.”
And then there’s…
‘The last time I mustered the nerve to view an actual abortion video what I saw was mangled body parts and what seemed like rivers of blood.’
“I can’t help wondering what else is in this guy’s Netflix queue.”
Best laugh that I’ve had since Friday night, and without the heartache of watching Bill Hicks’ mom get teary-eyed.
Well, the stench of hyperbole dug from the biohazard dumpsters behind abortion clinics tends to make me tear-up a BIT, but not quite enough to actually draw the tears OUT. For that, I hadda see the fucktarded motherfucker’s bio portrait.
Man, his daddy shoulda pulled out early.
Oh, and re: Kanye: Still love the telethon gag, but, um, when is somebody going to deflate this little prick?
“Because I have sacrificed real life to be a celebrity and to give this art to people, which is great. It is great that I was able to do that, I’m not trying to shun that in any way, but it’s definitely a Catch-22 and it’s bittersweet.”
Poor baby. Poor, poor baby. One can only ponder the inner reserves from whence he must groaningly extract such strength.
And Amy? Zombie Zygotes will render a much cuter logo, but Apathetic Zygotes will draw in the emo crowd. All depends upon your demographic, and whether or not they wanted Wayne & Garth to “make a go of it” with Wyld Stallyons.
Fuckin’ fucktarded tags. They must’ve been homeschooled.
Wow. Sounds like he’d be down with daily pregnancy tests, and birthing centers complete with force feeding and those cute beds with the straps for nine months. After which, the now-mothers would be thrown out on the street, of course…
I often wonder why these idiots worship God in the first place, him being the most prolific abortionist and all.
I often wonder why these idiots worship God in the first place, him being the most prolific abortionist and all.
Clearly, grammar is the work of the Devil.
Whose frickin’ blood does he think that was? “Rivers of blood” from a tiny fetus? I guess it was from the woman whose health and existence he forgot all about, because she’s just a vessel for the all-important fetishized “pre-born.” Too bad we can’t just grow fetuses in the lab for these creeps, but then I think half the pleasure for them is in disempowering women. Without women to demonize and squelch, it’s just no fun sticking up for fetuses, y’know?
No child born here in the U.S. or abroad will reach voting age before he finishes his term of office.
Damn, I didn’t know Obama was that powerful. Just lift a few bans on funding abortion and bang! Zero birthrate for four to eight years.
Damn, I didn’t know Obama was that powerful. Just lift a few bans on funding abortion and bang! Zero birthrate for four to eight years.
I’m sure they could care less.
Arrrrgh! You know, a few years back, I figured out that “they could care less” doesn’t make any sense (so they care a whole lot, then?). I think I was in first grade.
That seems to be the average level of the writing in the rest of the article, too.
Coincidence?
Arrrrgh! You know, a few years back, I figured out that “they could care less” doesn’t make any sense (so they care a whole lot, then?). I think I was in first grade.
That seems to be the average level of the writing in the rest of the article, too.
Coincidence?
…because I have the pleasure of believing that my voice in some small way is the voice of the unborn children of this generation.
I now imagine that he speaks like millions of tiny squeaky voices talking in unison.
Also, doesn’t that abortion video thing sound like he watches abortion videos regularly? Presumably, to get his rage up. Why are people videoing abortion anyway?
I now imagine that he speaks like millions of tiny squeaky voices talking in unison.
Also, doesn’t that abortion video thing sound like he watches abortion videos regularly? Presumably, to get his rage up. Why are people videoing abortion anyway?
Rev. Michael Bresciani is a graduate of Delgado College and Union Seminary in New Orleans, Louisiana. He has headed churches in the South and in New England and is the leader of a non-denominational ministry in the New Orleans area.
Ah, the First Church of So-and-So’s House, I Don’t Rightly Recollect The Name. The Southern-Fried Swank.
I get nothing for writing these articles and I am still overpaid
C’mon, Rev. I’m sure they really impress your imaginary parishioners, don’t they?
Ah, the First Church of So-and-So’s House, I Don’t Rightly Recollect The Name. The Southern-Fried Swank.
I get nothing for writing these articles and I am still overpaid
C’mon, Rev. I’m sure they really impress your imaginary parishioners, don’t they?
What Lu said. Anti-abortion fanatics like Rev. Fetus-Fetishist completely fail to realize that women don’t have abortions just for grins and giggles. Women would so much rather have reliable, affordable birth control, but Rev. F-F and his crew are against that, too. Sorry this comment isn’t funny or snarky. Fun and snark fail me when it comes to misogyny.
Nothing to forgive, Rugosa, when you’re right (and Lu), you’re right.
Doghouse, now you make me feel guilty for not actually going to that fucktard’s site/bio. I don’t have to go into the quality of instruction at Delgado, I’m sure that they’re still rebuilding, but suffice it to say that this fucktard did not attend Centenary or the big Baptist Seminary on Gentilly, where my grandfather matriculated. Those are ACTUAL seminaries, I’ve never fucking HEARD of “Union Seminary.” I wonder if it’s in the same strip-mall where I used to sell plasma… Delgado IS a genuine community college, but I’ve never even heard of them OFFERING anything in “theology.”
“Non-denominational” means that he’s not an actual accredited/vested minister, he’s selling tapes & CDs out of the trunk of his car, and someday hopes to turn his tent revival into the next Kirk Franklin/Paul Morrison greed-whore mega-church. I would’ve said Larry Stockstill, too, but that cracker’s running a whoooooole other flavor of bibul-banging corporation, as his close relationship with Ted Haggard shows…
Yup, we grow ‘em weird down here, as if Swaggart weren’t enough evidence, the nasty old fucker… And yes, he’s STILL on television, and there are morons out there who STILL send him money for the privilege of basking in his bad acting.
Doghouse, now you make me feel guilty for not actually going to that fucktard’s site/bio. I don’t have to go into the quality of instruction at Delgado, I’m sure that they’re still rebuilding, but suffice it to say that this fucktard did not attend Centenary or the big Baptist Seminary on Gentilly, where my grandfather matriculated. Those are ACTUAL seminaries, I’ve never fucking HEARD of “Union Seminary.” I wonder if it’s in the same strip-mall where I used to sell plasma… Delgado IS a genuine community college, but I’ve never even heard of them OFFERING anything in “theology.”
“Non-denominational” means that he’s not an actual accredited/vested minister, he’s selling tapes & CDs out of the trunk of his car, and someday hopes to turn his tent revival into the next Kirk Franklin/Paul Morrison greed-whore mega-church. I would’ve said Larry Stockstill, too, but that cracker’s running a whoooooole other flavor of bibul-banging corporation, as his close relationship with Ted Haggard shows…
Yup, we grow ‘em weird down here, as if Swaggart weren’t enough evidence, the nasty old fucker… And yes, he’s STILL on television, and there are morons out there who STILL send him money for the privilege of basking in his bad acting.
Annti, that’s from (IIRC; I’ve slept since then) his Amazon listing for a 2005 book. I didn’t make a big deal about “Union Seminary” because I was just doing a drive-by, but let’s call it a curious act of abbreviation: there’s an old and respected Union Theological Seminary in NY. Bresciani does say Nawlins, which leads the intrepid if lazy explorer, eventually, to a couple mentions of UnionBaptist Seminary, at 1300 Milton Street in the Crescent City. No website I could find, and, like Ol’ Glamorshots, we have the shepherd of a gray-market church who’s all over the internets, but whose church is nowhere to be found. Strange. In my Christianity days churches actively tried to get new members.
Oh, whatever else it is, it’s decidedly not New Orleans Baptist Seminary.
Giving fetuses a political say? How wacky! Next thing you know, politicians will start consulting those flesh-and-bone thingies fetuses inhabit.
Good work, Doghouse. Never EVER heard of “Union Baptist Seminary” on Milton Street. Granted, I didn’t frequent seminaries or churches of any flavor when I lived there (and was always nervous about going inside them for funerals & weddings, as I expected the damned thing to collapse in on me; not from a “deity’s” actions, but just my usual luck), but that one slid right past me. Maybe it’s over by the Rock ‘N Bowl in mid-city.
When my grandmother sold her house, we donated my grandfather’s old sermon notes, radio program scripts, and stuff like that to the NOBS. They were actually very nice about it, didn’t try to perform an exorcism on me or anything.
When my grandmother sold her house, we donated my grandfather’s old sermon notes, radio program scripts, and stuff like that to the NOBS. They were actually very nice about it, didn’t try to perform an exorcism on me or anything.
No child born here in the U.S. or abroad will reach voting age before he finishes his term of office. Those aborted will never so much as hear who is running for office.
So in this, aborted fetuses, or rather aborted Americans, have equal rights to any American born after 1/20/09.
See? Equality reigns!
So in this, aborted fetuses, or rather aborted Americans, have equal rights to any American born after 1/20/09.
See? Equality reigns!
“Non-denominational” means that he’s not an actual accredited/vested minister, he’s selling tapes & CDs out of the trunk of his car, and someday hopes to turn his tent revival into the next Kirk Franklin/Paul Morrison greed-whore mega-church.
Actually, I think it just means he’s a tax cheat.
Actually, I think it just means he’s a tax cheat.
Maybe it’s over by the Rock ‘N Bowl in mid-city.
Hey, I been there! Got a shirt ‘n everythang!
Hey, I been there! Got a shirt ‘n everythang!
The Rock & Bowl was how I got into radio, in a sick, twisted kinda way, which pretty much sums-up my short tenure in what is now known as ClearChannelDisneyCumulusUniversalCBSViacom.
HATED those fucking stairs, loved the bartenders. Can’t bowl for shit.
And show me ANY preacher short of Billy Graham (including his neonazi offspring Franklin) who ISN’T a tax cheat. Sheeeyuttt, why do you think that the bibul-bangers already have Obama by the short & curlies? TO KEEP YOUR TAX MONEY ROLLING INTO THEIR POCKETS.
http://action.aclu.org/site/R?i=_tOsQRW_o0EBCJYcD8H0nA
And “non-denominational” pretty much covers every mega-church in the country nowadays. Charismatic/pentecostal-with-make-up-and-divorce/non-denominational/Holy Ghost/etc., pick one, they’re all the same. Smug, arrogant, shoving their WWJD down your throat like a pornographic crucifix-dick, driving SUVs and our economy into the toilet through their purposeful and conscious STUPIDITY. They CHOOSE to be fucktards, so they’re even MORE guilty than the idiots who happen to have been born that way. And they’re not just restricted to Dallas-Ft.Worth and Colorado anymore, the high-hair bitches are EVERYWHERE. Black, white, Asian, pick a color, they’ve got a giant corporate mega-church, counting the money before they even start singing.The whole focus of their “message” is “prosperity,” so it’s more about what would Jeebus OWN than what he’d DO. I dunno if Jeebus would drive a Ford Enviro-Stomper.
They suck the sadiddy-wannabe/bougie-in-training poor people in with that bullshit, TAKE their money, and tell ‘em that Jeebus is gonna get ‘em RICH. Hell, Paul Morrison had FOUR churches in the greater New Orleans Area when I was there, one in Central City, one in New Orleans East, one in Gretna, and one in Metairie. He must’ve rented satellite link-up time in order to preach at ALL of ‘em in one day. Ain’t easy to find a tailor to make Nehru jackets for ya nowadays, either, but he’s sporting the bastids. Thinks that he can sing now, too. *sigh*
HATED those fucking stairs, loved the bartenders. Can’t bowl for shit.
And show me ANY preacher short of Billy Graham (including his neonazi offspring Franklin) who ISN’T a tax cheat. Sheeeyuttt, why do you think that the bibul-bangers already have Obama by the short & curlies? TO KEEP YOUR TAX MONEY ROLLING INTO THEIR POCKETS.
http://action.aclu.org/site/R?i=_tOsQRW_o0EBCJYcD8H0nA
And “non-denominational” pretty much covers every mega-church in the country nowadays. Charismatic/pentecostal-with-make-up-and-divorce/non-denominational/Holy Ghost/etc., pick one, they’re all the same. Smug, arrogant, shoving their WWJD down your throat like a pornographic crucifix-dick, driving SUVs and our economy into the toilet through their purposeful and conscious STUPIDITY. They CHOOSE to be fucktards, so they’re even MORE guilty than the idiots who happen to have been born that way. And they’re not just restricted to Dallas-Ft.Worth and Colorado anymore, the high-hair bitches are EVERYWHERE. Black, white, Asian, pick a color, they’ve got a giant corporate mega-church, counting the money before they even start singing.The whole focus of their “message” is “prosperity,” so it’s more about what would Jeebus OWN than what he’d DO. I dunno if Jeebus would drive a Ford Enviro-Stomper.
They suck the sadiddy-wannabe/bougie-in-training poor people in with that bullshit, TAKE their money, and tell ‘em that Jeebus is gonna get ‘em RICH. Hell, Paul Morrison had FOUR churches in the greater New Orleans Area when I was there, one in Central City, one in New Orleans East, one in Gretna, and one in Metairie. He must’ve rented satellite link-up time in order to preach at ALL of ‘em in one day. Ain’t easy to find a tailor to make Nehru jackets for ya nowadays, either, but he’s sporting the bastids. Thinks that he can sing now, too. *sigh*
Brain fart: But when “non-denominational” refers to a “preacher” without accreditation or a flock, yeah, he’s a loser. He WANTS to run a mega-church, but he never will.
[…] I don’t often delve into the raging culture wars about abortion/reproductive rights that are enthusiastically engaged in by numerous other blogs, but I did find this post highly amusing: The votes are in, and 9 out of 10 fetuses prefer defrocked Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich to President Barack Obama, according to RenewAmerica. In his weekly column, Reverend Michael Bresciani, who speaks fluent blastocyte, randomly samples a series of wombs, and reports that while Obama remains popular among America’s post-born youth, he enjoys far less support from members of the intrauterine electorate. […]
No comments:
Post a Comment