Why is it Always the Pundits Who Must Suffer?

Hmm, it seems that poor Ann Coulter is being investigated for voter fraud, and could face up to five years in prison if found guilty of the charge. (My favorite headline regarding the case: Pundit Coulter Probed In Illegal Voting Case. It makes the whole thing sound so kinky and distasteful).

 Photo: Ann tries to sheild her brain from the state’s truth rays with her giant hand

But, as WorldNetDaily reminds us, the prosecutor’s office that will be persecuting investigating Ann is the very same one that probed Rush Limbaugh for doctor shopping — and we all know how innocent he was. (Hey, who are you going to believe: the evidence or Rush?)

So, I must conclude that the pursuit of Ann is just another Democratic effort to try to distract you from what is REALLY important: that John Kerry spit in the faces of our brave young men and women in uniform by joking that President Bush is a moron who has us all stuck in Iraq.


Voters, your choice is clear: will you cast your ballot for Ann Coulter, the woman who has worked so tirelessly to keep smelly Arab men off airplanes (thus freeing rich, blonde woman from having to through airport security) that she forgot where she lived, or will you vote for John Kerry, a man who knows nothing about our troops?

Choose wisely, come election day!


Posted by s.z. on Thursday, November 2nd, 2006 at 5:56 pm.

Photo: Ann tries to sheild her brain from the state’s truth rays with her giant hand
nah, that’s just an act. her brain is lodged under her little toenail next to the rest of the fungus

Left by preznit giv me turkee on November 2nd, 2006

Conviction for a felony involving fraud usually gets lawyers disbarred.
But committing vote fraud in south Florida (as opposed to B.J. fraud in D.C.) seems so…well…redundant. I can almost hear Claude Rains shouting, “I am shocked, shocked!”

Left by trashfire on November 2nd, 2006

Is it wrong that, when I read “Pundit Coulter probed”, I thought to myself, “With a crowbar, I hope”

Left by Bill S on November 2nd, 2006

There was a time when World o’Crap’s mission statement included deconstructing Ann Coulter. I’d say it’s great to see her horsey countenance here again, but who would want to see that without a few stiff drinks. And two paper bags, as the old joke goes.
Wait till the Customs agents find the Viagra in her luggage…

Left by Dr. BDH on November 2nd, 2006

Bill, I thought, “By aliens!”
She’s definitely proved that some women aren’t smart enough to vote, hasn’t she.

Left by D. Sidhe on November 2nd, 2006

She may have a tax problem, as well, so I hear. She claimed the ‘Florida Homestead Tax Allowance,’ for whereverthehell her Palm Beach shack actually is.
However, she has stated publicly on several occasions that she doesn’t live in Palm Beach, she lives in New York. She says that’s why she didn’t get any of the registered letters the County Clerk sent her.
I guess she just votes in Palm Beach. At the nearest precinct where she runs out of gas, or that’s nicely decorated, or that looks sanitary, or that looks like there might not be a line, or whatever.
You have to live in Florida to get the cute little tax break, Annie, AFAIK.
So, either she voted illegally, or she cheated on her taxes. Or both.
Raise your hand if you think that she is likely to suffer even the minimal inconveniences of Rush’s little legal difficulties.

Left by Gentlewoman on November 2nd, 2006

See a tongue-in-cheek visual with Ann Coulter as the focus of “The New War On Terror”…here:
http://www.thoughttheater.com

Left by Daniel DiRito on November 3rd, 2006

I have been trapped away from the blog scene since early Halloween morning, at the hospital. Feh! And, you know what that means–having ibterwebs service, I was redyced to watching… tee-vee!!!1! GAAAHHHHH!!!!The insane, rabid coverage of John Kerry’s “misstatement” was appalingly awful. Plus, since I don’t usually watch tee-vee, I was being subjected to the local attack political ads for the first time in any great quantity, including ads from the RNC, the NRCC, and the dreadful Peter Roskam. Ugh! The Dem ads were practically as nasty, but had the advantage of mostly being truthful. Still, when those things are flying fast and furious, it’s a bad time to watch tee-vee. Ick. It’s so wonderful to be back here in cybermerica with all you regular Crappers that I can’t even express it right. And, most importantly, I got out in time to vote on Tuesday! Phew!

Left by Marq on November 3rd, 2006

Errr… that was supposed to be… “not having interweb service[...]“. The best part is that I speak about as well as I type. Woe is me.

Left by Marq on November 3rd, 2006

Good Lord, Marq. What’s going on? Were you in a bed or a waiting room? You should tell us these things so you can get some decent sympathy.

Left by D. Sidhe on November 3rd, 2006

Marq are you OK?
I know what you mean about hospital teevee. There are usually 3 channels: idiotic, incredibly inane, and infuriating. And your roommate is usually a Christianist who watches soaps all day, and rings for the nurse every five minutes, so that when you actually need a nurse, they won’t come because they hate your roommate.
I hope you stay well. I am making an offering to Kuan Yin for you!

Left by Gentlewoman on November 4th, 2006

I know I shall squander many, many sympathy points by admitting that by 2pm, Halloween, I had been placed in a private room with one of those insanely expensive hospital beds that not only does all the “Kraftmatic”-type positions, but is also a scale and inflates and deflates parts of its self gently to slowly massage you and prevent bed sores. In other words, it was a very nice $24, 000 bed.
My local hospital has been there forever, and has been added-on to a number of times. At the moment, they’re planning to tear down the original building, which is admittedly much more shabby-looking than more recent wings, and build a five-story wing that is entirely private rooms. Evidently, there is a market for them.
I, however, was in one to be isolated from the rest of the hospital. You see, in 2004, I had had a wee bout of MRSA, which thrives in a hospital environment, infecting whole *floors* of people. While I had successfully been treated in ’04, I hadn’t been certified as being MRSA-free, which would be fairly unusual, so they treated me as though I was infectious: plastic aprons, rubber gloves, masks, etc. Needless to say, this is a bit humiliating.
My room had one other luxury that I haven’t had in a hospital room before. On top of having its own bathroom, the bathroom had a nice shower stall. Delightful!
As far as the “fun” going on, it was fairly standard stuff: x-rays, many needle sticks, blood flowing through tubes, nerve tests with electrodes on legs and feet and an electrified probe needle being shoved into my calf muscles and various other places on my feet and legs (“Now wiggle your toes!”). Fun! Or not. And a few things that one might find horrific if one weren’t used to them from normal life by now-not that they’re a part of most people’s “normal lives.” I’ll probably get around to talking about some of this stuff in greater detail if and when I start my own blog for real at some point. The gross-out factor alone is worth the price of admission (free!).

Left by Marq on November 4th, 2006

There are usually 3 channels: idiotic, incredibly inane, and infuriating.

I had “basic cable,” but it was pretty idiotic, infuriating, and inane anyway, as those three daze were the very height of the kerfluffle over John Kerry’s attempt at humor. Every channel that had any kind of news was just foaming at the mouth over that, though I never did find MSNBC and Keith Olberman, who was being the usual lone voice of sanity I discovered once I again had access to teh intertubes. That, plus the relentless local attack political ads kept me angry nearly the entire time. And the nurses were understaffed/swamped, as usual, so I never did see anyone in less than half-an-hour after I had called for them. But, that’s typical–no Christianist roommate required!

Left by Marq on November 4th, 2006

O shoo! Annie C. needs to be probed to get the the bottom of the scandal (What, you already knew WHERE the aliens probe?) O Annie, take a vallium and an exlax and just put up with it.

Left by VJB on November 4th, 2006

Stashing the Nation Near Hell's Lip

Because we don’t want to go to hell with your little satan-worshipping friends, that’s why!

Product Info – Mommy, Why Don’t We Celebrate Halloween

‘But why, Mommy?’ Sarah exclaimed. ‘What’s wrong with Halloween?’

‘In many parts of the world,’ Mom answered, ‘Halloween is a religious holiday – a holiday when people worship satan and honor evil. In fact, it is the biggest holiday on satan’s calendar, kind of like Christmas and Easter on our calendar.’

But Mommy, just where are those other parts of the world that worship the devil on the Satanic religious holiday of Halloween?

Sarah, you little twit, obviously we are talking about Iraq, Iran, and North Korea … and San Francisco. So, just shut your piehole and get back to thanking God that you’re so much better than the little devil-worshipping children in those countries.

Now, for your holiday pleasure, here’s a post largely comprised of recyled material, since old holiday posts, like last year’s Halloween candy, is a little stale, but still edible — and we’re thrifty, and don’t want anything to go to waste. 

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
Ha ha, by accepting my Halloween greeting you have invited demons to possess you, you silly people! If only you had read this message by Gary and Lisa Ruby, you would have known that Halloween is most evilest night of the year, and you wouldn’t have fallen for my ruse. And even though it’s too late

The trick-or-treat ritual was practiced by the Druids and their followers in medieval times.

Yeah, those Druids of c.1400 AD are well known for their trick-or-treating.

The Druids went from castle to castle doing exactly the same thing. They also demanded a ‘treat’, however, this demand was for a young woman who could be offered as a human sacrifice in a Satanic ritual.

Since you’re going to hell anyway, this year you might try trick-or-treating for young women instead of candy – but if you get some, just don’t sacrifice them to Satan, okay?

But even treat-or-treating for candy shows your affiliation with Satan, per the Rubys — and if your church says differently, then you can know that its leaders are in the pay of the devil.

Satan’s agents, who represent themselves as Christians, do not want Christians to know that Halloween is about human sacrifice and they certainly do not want them to pray against it. That is the reason they do not mention the need to pray against ritual human sacrifice and instead, urge Christians to participate in a ritual that represents human sacrifice.  

Since the trick-or-treat ritual looks cute on the surface, Christians who have not investigated this matter are entering into this annual custom for a little bit of “harmless fun.” In reality, the trick-or-treat ritual is a culturally and even church-sanctioned way for Satan to gain access to their lives and that of their children.

Yup, every Tootsie Roll or Snickers that you give out tonight is actually a Bite o’ Beelzebub. Way to let Satan take over children, folks!

But what if you pass out those anti-Harry Potter comics? Surely they are a holy alternative to the devil’s snacks.

Sadly, nein (to almost steal a phrase).

Surely God is pleased when His people respond to Satan’s prized “trick-or-treat” phrase with some candy and a tract. Right?

No. God will not prevent Satan from taking whatever ground Christians give him if we participate in his demon-infested ritual. When children come to the door saying, “Trick-or-Treat!” evil spirits have permission to access our lives if we respond to those words with a “treat” (even a tract) because to do so is to participate in the ritual. The very phrase, “trick-or-treat,” glorifies Satan. It is his phrase and it is uttered in his ritual.

Yes, giving out those Jack Chick tracts is just as bad as sacrificing virgins to Lucifer. Believe it … or go to hell!

{NOTE: About now we would repeat our last year’s recap of some of Jack’s tracts, but he keeps hiding the images to keep us from sharing them with you. But we can recommend some titles to you: Boo!, The Little Princess, The Devil’s Night, and our new favorite, The Trick, which is about how witches put razor blades and poison in holiday candy as part of their special assignment from Satan.]

But back to the Rubies, for a few more Halloween facts.

facts. facts.

Overcoming evil with good will not be accomplished by having a party and celebrating while followers of Satan literally sacrifice human beings on altars all over the world. [...]

Giving any kind of treat when someone knocks at your door on Halloween night is participating in Halloween. Just because you add a tract to the treat (or give only a tract) does not sanctify this Halloween activity. Giving a tract while you engage in the ritual that Satan takes very seriously (the trick-or-treating ritual is a satanic ritual no matter how cute it looks or how much fun it is) will not give your or your child automatic protection from evil spirit contact. You are sinning and thereby breaking God’s protective hedge. The serpent will bite you and your children, tract or no tract.

And getting bit by a serpent AND having to read one of those crummy religious tracts is more than any one person should have to bear.

And here’s part of Gary and Lisa’s rebuttal of a Christianity Today article which claims that Halloween is just innocent fun.

Christianity Today Exhorts Christians to Celebrate Halloween With Gusto

Samhain was (and continues to be) celebrated by the Druids and requires human sacrifice. Halloween is the modern term for this satanic highday that hides behind a seemingly innocuous front of fun and games that serves to divert attention from its true purpose: worldwide human sacrifice.

Who knew that Druids still exist, and they are still sacrificing humans every October 31? Well, Scott C. knew, because he watched the movie. Especially at this time of year you should read his expose, if you value your soul! (Oh, and also on this most dangerous of nights you should watch out for Christopher Lamberts!)

Anyway, the Rubys also heap scorn on the author of the Christianity Today piece for quoting ”an author of occult-themed novels (C.S. Lewis).” I guess they don’t approve of books that feature magic wardrobes, white witches, talking lions, and other occult themes taken from Christianity

In any case, the Rubys do know their Satanic stuff, having inadvertently belonged to the dark lord’s church for ten years. It’s all explained on the ”About Gary and Lisa Ruby” page.

Gary and I became Christians in 1982 … Gary and I began attending what appeared to be an independent, fundamental, Bible-believing Baptist church … We remained in this establishment for over ten years. … We later learned that it was founded and run by followers of Satan who were posing as Christians and even attended a Christian college in preparation for the “ministry.” After we left their establishment, we found ourselves being forced to deal with the evil spirits they sent on assignment to harass our family.

Yes, evil spirits are everywhere, just waiting for you to celebrate Halloween or to join a Baptist church or something, so they can harass you. No wonder you keep losing socks, and why the new fall TV shows all suck!

But the Lord is now commanding the Rubys to warn others about the snares that Satan has set for the unwary in the “Left Behind” books, the Terri Schiavo case, and rock music. I suggest you pay them heed.

Oh, and if you don’t want to be infested by demons, I suggest that you give me all your Kit Kats, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, and Mars bars, and that you spend the night worrying about all the young women being sacrificed by Druids and witches. In return, I will give you the links to a whole bunch of Jack Chick tracts.

Posted by s.z. on Tuesday, October 31st, 2006 at 5:17 am.

54 Responses to “Stashing the Nation Near Hell’s Lip”

Finally, Lisa and Gary have given Democrats a wedge issue that will split the Republican Party asunder: Halloween. Seems like Gary and Lisa have updated their site by going after Focus on the Family.

“Americancatholic.org and Focus on the Family: Halloween Can Be Redeemed.” So it is not only Druids that Christians have to worry about. It is Dobson and the Pope.

I say Dems place an initiative on the ballot, something to do with sacrificing virgins and worshipping Michael Moore and trick-or-treating, maybe a Defense of Satan sort of Bill, and that will split the Party right down the – well, they don’t have a middle or a left – so they will have to be split down whatever Republicans can be split down. I guess asunder is okay. And then Druids ( who from Lisa and Gary’s sense of history seem to be composed of members of Monty Python’s Flying Circus)can take over the House of Representatives, impeach George Bush and install Ernest Borgnine.
Left by tomg on October 31st, 2006

The Druids went from castle to castle

They say that like they think it was some kind of castle subdivision.

Left by Realist on October 31st, 2006

I’d say that this tract was compiled after rigorous research — mostly involving cribbing things from other extreme religious tracts. Somebody get these people a history book. Or just hit them over the head with it.

Left by Zeno on October 31st, 2006

[...] S.Z. explains how trick-or-treating is really part of Satan’s master plot to take sole possession of your kids’ groins. Read the whole thing. [...]

Left by Sadly, No! » More Halloween Fun on October 31st, 2006

Wow.

Somebody needs to review their meds. Seriously.

I THINK I may have seen an actual fact or two during that tirade that may have inadvertently snuck in, but I haven’t seen such a steaming pile since the last Dubya speech.

Also, their reasoned argument seems to be mainly on the order of what one college roommate once deemed, “Proof by Blatant Assertion”. Truly amazing.

Left by JoeBuddha on October 31st, 2006

It must really suck to be the child of someone who believes that stuff. All the other kids are going to get to dress up and eat unhealthly amounts of candy, while the ChickTract kids have to go to church. Then when the ChikTract kids tel the other kids that Halloween is evi, they’re just going to get made fun of. Poor ChickTract kids.

Left by chris on October 31st, 2006


Somebody should check their house for carbon monoxide poisoning. Soon.

Left by Uncle Mike on October 31st, 2006

I will agree that handing out religious tracts for Halloween should earn you a place in Hell.

Feel free to drop by my home tonight if you’re in the neighborhood. Peanut allergies? UNICEF? Diabetes? Let me know, and I’ve got special baggies for you. And in keeping with the You’re All Going To Hell, You Yoga-Tolerant Depraved Trick-Or-Treating Multiculturalist Sons Of Bitches theme, each baggie contains an orange, red, yellow, green, purple, or black crane with a bat pattern on it.

Man, I miss the days before these whackjobs managed to convince everybody that trick or treating was satanic and razor-blade filled and better off done at Wal*Mart or the mall.

Why do you hate the children, you overstarched Christians? Oh, sure, you’re all pro-embryo, but the minute they’re born, the poor little bastards can’t even beg a stranger for a packet of M&Ms without a lecture on the evils of materialism and how the Satanists will do anything to get you. I know the point of Halloween is to scare the kiddies, but I think I always assumed it should be the sort of harmless scare from which they can recover, kind of the difference between “You’ll grow hair on your palms” and “You’ll get AIDS and go blind!” My pumpkin and my spider webs may provide a momentary thrill of creepiness, but it doesn’t leave anyone traumatized for life and terrified to ever set foot inside a haunted house again in case it might actually be a stealth “Hell House”. Why do you people hate the children?

I’m deeply in love with the castle-suburb concept, btw. With henges in every lawn, no doubt.

Left by D. Sidhe on October 31st, 2006

Christ, how did these people get an internets connection? How’d they get electricity? How is it they don’t imagine either of those is Satanic?

And what’s the deal with Druids? In reality we know almost nothing about them–all our info comes from the Romans, and much of that is suspect. We are generally in agreement, though, that 1) they were pretty much wiped out by the Middle Ages and 2) prior to that they did not avail themselves of the Gregorian calendar.

Left by Doghouse Riley on October 31st, 2006

Luckily for Christians, they can still celebrate Christmas and Easter, which are free of all Pagan influence.

Left by HemlockEcho on October 31st, 2006

In ancient times, hundreds of years before the dawn of history.
There lived a strange race of people…the Druids. No one knows who they were, or what they were doing, but their legacy remains, hewn into the living rock of…

Stonehenge!

Left by Brian Schlosser, lurker on October 31st, 2006

Sheeeeeit.

I’m going to have to watch “The Wicker Man” (the old, proper version) tonight just to piss off the Rubys.

Left by Pere Ubu on October 31st, 2006

Er, could anybody recommend any good neighborhoods where they gave out young women last year?

Left by gjdodger on October 31st, 2006

[...] Pagans tend to get a little defensive around Samhain; as the holiday has become more popular for adults, conservative Christians have become increasingly shrill about the Satanic overtones of the holiday. Much of their so-called history on the subject is unsourced and frankly ludicrous. Here are some sites that offer more informative views: [...]

Left by Thudfactor » Samhain on October 31st, 2006

Wow, “The Trick” just completely ate its own logic snake. “By not believing in Satan you’ve done exactly what Satan wants you to do.” WTF?

Great post.

Left by Brando on October 31st, 2006

followers of Satan literally sacrifice human beings on altars all over the world

Literally? Damn liberal media NEVER covers the really important stories.

And I built my suburban stonehenge with Castlewall blocks from the Home Depot.

Left by tigrismus on October 31st, 2006

Castlemania! Just another excuse the sharpen the broadsword and wait for passersby at the moat edge.

And here I thought the evening would be uneventful…

Left by heydave on October 31st, 2006

Wow. Just…Wow. So these are the folks that represent the republican base. Scared of just about everything. Muslims and terrorists and mexicans and gays simply aren’t enough. Now they’re scared of Halloween, satan and evil spirits. Damn, how do they get up the courage to walk out the front door.

But wait!! Let’s look at this critically for a minute. These peeps, the Rubies, seem to know a great deal about satan. What he thinks, what he wants, his plans for victory, his friends, wants, needs, desires. I don’t know jack diddly about satan. Or evil spirits. Neither, for that matter, does anybody else I know. So the only valid conclusion here is Gary and Lisa spend a lot of time in conversation (or worse, *shudder*) with satan. They get him a cuppa, sit down, chat, he loosens up ’cause y’know he’s like that around friends, starts jokin around, and before you know it he’s tellin ‘em his secret plans. How he can get little children to offer human sacrifices without even knowing it!! Sorry, but it’s pretty clear that Gary’s the devil and Lisa’s the …uh, the OTHER devil…

mikey

Left by mikey on October 31st, 2006

this year you might try trick-or-treating for young women instead of candy – but if you get some, just don’t sacrifice them to Satan, okay?

Time to re-read your review of The Devil’s Rain, which I recently caught late on AMC while pulling yet another telecommute all-nighter for my boss and it’s as bad as I remembered (‘it’ being the movie of course, not my boss.)

Left by Serge on October 31st, 2006

Wow!

Now, I was raised fundy and we didn’t celebrate Halloween because it was “materialistic” and all the “evil” overtones of Halloween were frowned upon.
But this Satan scheme is a new one. Particularly because of this:

“Gary and I became Christians in 1982 … Gary and I began attending what appeared to be an independent, fundamental, Bible-believing Baptist church … We remained in this establishment for over ten years. … We later learned that it was founded and run by followers of Satan who were posing as Christians and even attended a Christian college in preparation for the “ministry.” ”

I mean, if Satan’s posse can pose as fundy Christan’s, how do you tell them apart?

Having (mis)spent my youth as a fundy, I can guess what actually happened. They became so fanatical the church leaders had a “talk” with them(read: you Rubies are turning into rabid assholes)which prompted the Rubies to leave that “heretical” church. Where ever they are now, you can bet another blow-up is bound to happen.

Left by King Spirula on October 31st, 2006

I’d just like you all to know that I’m a Christian who’s posing as a follower of Satan. – - – or something like that.

Left by punkinsmom on October 31st, 2006

“In many parts of the world,’ Mom answered, ‘Halloween is a religious holiday – a holiday when people worship satan and honor evil.”

Ooh, I hope she means Canada!

Left by Sniper on October 31st, 2006

Only a generation ago America had special places for the Rubys to go to share their stories with others. Then Reagan closed the Mental Institutions.

Left by owlbear1 on October 31st, 2006

sheesh…..”Rubys”

I don’t think these folks are anything like precious.

Left by King Spirula on October 31st, 2006

Damn gjdodger, you beat me to it.

If you do find that nice’n'castly ‘hood, would you be so kind as to share the adress?

Left by Ole on October 31st, 2006

Halloween is about human sacrifice

Oddly enough, so is Easter. Or half-human sacrifice, at least.

I was hoping to go for the The Man with Two Brains castle chic, but I couldn’t afford all the door repairs.

Left by arghous on October 31st, 2006

Wait a sec’… Druids used to go from castle to castle asking for virgins? They must have used huge pillowcases or extra-strength plastic pumpkin baskets. Also, I was always under the impression that castles were rather far away from each other. That’s what I get for listening to godless historians and archeologists, I guess.

Left by Sniper on October 31st, 2006

Sniper: That’s why they dressed up as Superman or Power Rangers – it gave them the strength to carry all the virgins they collected.*

*alternate response: if you get them young enough, it’s not hard to put them in a pillowcase. [Sorry, couldn't resist.]

Left by HemlockEcho on October 31st, 2006

Note to King Spirula–

The “Satan worshippers” in that church were most likely druidic shape shifters who could change at will into ministers, then back again. Their cover probably got blown when they tried to pretend their scrye mirrors were collection plates (sort of the way medieval Wiccan women might cover one end of their magic wands with straw to make them look like brooms.)

Friggin Celtophobes don’t realize that Christianity might not have survived past the fifth century were it not for the Irish and the Scots. Happy Samhain, everybody!

Left by trashfire on October 31st, 2006

Mikey and Left: You both make some excellent points. Especally about fundies secretly hating kids. Look at some of them who want to bring back child-beating, force them to see a religious snuff film (Passion of the Christ), or the mind-fucking of Brio magazine (the now defunct “Holly and These Ivy Halls” comics were worth the price of admission alone).

Left by Yaoi Huntress Earth on October 31st, 2006

Well, c’mon. Christianity is founded on human sacrifice AND cannibalism.

Left by dAVE on October 31st, 2006

I, for one will begin the sacrifice rituals shortly, as dusk is approaching. I’ve always been a sacrifice-ritual-before-the-candy kind of guy. Then the Smarties.

Left by mmm...lemonheads on October 31st, 2006

Rubies: The Druids went from castle to castle

Realist: They say that like they think it was some kind of castle subdivision.

Subdivision, no. But perhaps a gated community?

(ducking)

Left by FlipYrWhig on October 31st, 2006

Oh, sweet lordy-gordy. If ignorance is bliss, how come these people are such mean-spirited assholes?
http://www.loc.gov/folklife/halloween.html

Oh, and correct me if I’m wrong, but, did they even HAVE castles in the time of the druids? I know pumpkins weren’t a common vegatable in that part of the world at that time. Of course, if Jack Chick didn’t just make shit up, he’d never get anything written, would he? I think the funniest part of “The Trick”(and there’s A LOT to make fun of)is the way the parents are so baffled by the change in their kids’ behavior. Let’s see: They went out trick-or-treating, and one of their friends was murdered, and they nearly died themselves. All of this happened A YEAR AGO, and the killer still hasn’t been found. The only clue they have is that it was somebody in the neighborhood-somebody the kids knew and trusted. Gee, I can’t imagine why they’d be screaming and crying everytime their parents try to drag them to church-they just learned how evel seemingly nice people can be. But what’s the parents conclusion? The kids are possessed!!!!
They’re almost as fucked up as the parents in Charlie Brown’s neighborhood. I mean, they all have a rock set aside to give to one kid, and they all pick the same kid. That was no coincidence-that was planned in advance. They think it’s funny to gang up on a 9 year old and ruin his holiday. Assholes.

Left by Bill S on October 31st, 2006

Just thought I’d point out that my youngest son attends a Jewish day school, most of whose students whoop it up on same way at Halloween. He said today that the ONLY teachers who gave him homework for tonight were in Bible and Rabbinics.

So he’s coming home from trick or treating with his best friend, to do his homework.

Left by Mrs. Tarquin Biscuitbarrel on October 31st, 2006

Thanks mmmmm…..lemonhead
“I, for one will begin the sacrifice rituals shortly, as dusk is approaching”

I almost forgot. My wife asked me to pick up some milk, eggs and a virgin on the way home from work tonight.

Left by tomg on October 31st, 2006

Anybody else think the whole “virgin sacrifice” idea came about as a trick men came up with to get laid?

Left by Bill S on October 31st, 2006

Can’t have a henge for each house in the castle subdivision. Has to be henge, moat, henge, moat, henge, moat, so it seems there is differentiation. And OF COURSE it’s a gated community. The difference is in the crenelated battlements. But anyone who thinks that someone who commands a whole castle is going to just hand over their virgins to the first dirty hippy who shows up saying “I’m a druid, motherfucker, turn over the unsullied chicks” is seriously delusional.

Left by Reba on October 31st, 2006

I did makeup duty for a children’s theater production of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe in high school. We invited a bunch of local groups to come see the show, and one church declined the offer because of the “occult themes”.

Absolutely true story.

Every time I hear Christians talk about ancient religions, I laugh my ass off because they say EXACTLY the same things those ancient religions said about Christianity.

Left by Jack of None on November 1st, 2006

This entire thread has made me laugh until I cried. You people are all brilliant. Thanks, I needed it.

Left by D. Sidhe on November 1st, 2006

I know that compliment was directed at everybody, but I’m still pretending you were only talking about me.

Left by Bill S on November 1st, 2006

I thought she meant me.

Left by merlallen on November 1st, 2006


We all grovel for D. Sidhe’s compliments. I happily count myself among the “we.”

Left by Mrs. Tarquin Biscuitbarrel on November 1st, 2006

“I’m a druid, motherfucker, turn over the unsullied chicks”

That’s a keeper!

Left by King Spirula on November 1st, 2006


I know pumpkins weren’t a common vegatable in that part of the world at that time.

Heh. Jack-o-lanterns were originally made with turnips, but pumpkins were used some years after the discovery of the New World, as they’re more candle-friendly, so to speak.

Left by The Dark Avenger on November 1st, 2006

Zoning, castles, etc:

Most castles were in clusters at the end of dead end streets in gated communities, and Druids would show up to cull the virgins and put them in sacks. That’s where the term “cul de sac” came from. Don’t you morons know history?

Left by trashfire on November 1st, 2006

Hey, that makes as much sense as anything the Rubys said.

Left by Bill S on November 1st, 2006


My kid wore another kid’s costume headpiece one year, and his hair became infested with demons! It was a real hassle, but with the aid of a bottle of R.I.D. and a fine tooth comb, we got rid of the pesky little bastards.

Left by Candy on November 1st, 2006


Turnips are also a bitch to carve. We tried it one year. Actually, I think there may have been a rutabaga and maybe even a jicama in there. These days, we stick to potatoes and daikon. Onions, otoh, are for lazy bastards.

Left by D. Sidhe on November 1st, 2006


BTW, take the title of the post, make one small-yet-homonymic adjustment, and you’ve got “‘Staching the Nation: Near Hell’s Lip,” which could work nicely for a piece on, say, Michael Medved or John Stossel.

Left by FlipYrWhig on November 2nd, 2006


You know why the Druids died out? Because walking ‘castle to castle’ will wear you the heck out.. They don’t usually put those real close together. Heck, I doubt if the Druids could hit more than one or two of them up for treats in a single night.

Left by Pope Impious XXIII on November 2nd, 2006


Dang, and I traded my daughter a bunch of Bite o’ Beelzebubs for peanut butter cups.

Left by Ted on November 2nd, 2006


“What did you fet for Halloween. Charlie Marq?”
[loohs in sack]
“I got a hospital stay.”
[the beagle laughs uncontrollably]

Left by Marq on November 3rd, 2006

AAUUGGHHH!!! “get.” Damnit.

Left by Marq on November 4th, 2006

Another Wingnut Halloween Horror

Over at Townhall, Nathan “the young Jesse Helms” tells us What’s really scary this Halloween: teaching kids about sex when we could be using the money to put them in work camps instead,

A survey cited by National Public Radio in 2004 showed that 47 percent of schools teach something dubbed “abstinence-plus.” The theory behind this sexual school of thought is that, while abstinence is best, some students will simply refuse to abstain, so schools should teach kids about condoms and contraception as well. But, at a time when technology is advancing faster than our hands can fly across a computer keyboard, should we really be spending part of the school day teaching kids how to put on condoms? If parents are responsible for ensuring that their children are potty-trained by kindergarten, shouldn’t it be up to parents to make sure their offspring learn about the birds and the bees?

Apparently Nathan thinks it’s the parents’ job to teach their kids about potties and condoms (possibly in one lecture to be delivered on the day before the children start kindergarten), but it’s the public schools’ obligation to teach kids that they’ll go to hell if they have sex before they’re married.  Yes, Nathan is a true conservative.

Or consider this: A national poll reported by CBS News two years ago indicated that Americans don’t believe in human evolution. Fifty-five percent said God created humans in their present form, i.e., no apes were involved in the creation of man and woman. And yet, school districts throughout the U.S. continue to waste their precious resources teaching children that man evolved from monkeys. It seems to me that, if a child believes that he or she has an ancestor who’s an ape, he or she is more likely to behave like one.

Yes, this is how we should decide our science curriculum: we should ignore that sciency stuff, and get our facts from public opinion polls (“Where do babies come from? Our survey says: from the cabbage patch”), along with whatever teachings might cause children to behave better (“Class, thunder is God yelling at you for picking your nose”).

Why not spend some of our tax dollars teaching schoolchildren that life really means something—that every child in the womb deserves a chance at life? Let’s face it—if you teach a student that killing an unborn child is acceptable, what’s to prevent that child from growing into a teenager who thinks it’s O.K. to pick up a gun and shoot someone?

Certainly not Nathan’s science classes, which will fail to teach kids that there is any difference between a week-old embryo and their teen-age classmates.

But anyway, I think we can all agree that high school students should neither be gunning down people nor performing abortions.

In the kind of school budget that I’m proposing, we’ve cut out money for condom education, evolution propaganda, liberal indoctrination, and abortion promotion. That leaves quite a bit of money left. And we should be using that money to make schools safer and teenagers more disciplined.

[…]
And finally, let’s devote some money for boot camps for teens. It’s the only way to get some teenagers in shape—and out of prison.

Why not just replace public schools with workhouses, and make the brats earn their keep for a change? This will not only reduce our property taxes and help us compete with third-world nations when it comes to making crap for Wal-Mart, but it will also protect the little dears from having to learn anything which might not accord with Nathan’s world view.

Posted by s.z. on Monday, October 30th, 2006 at 4:47 am.

Let’s face it—if you teach a student that killing an unborn child is acceptable, what’s to prevent that child from growing into a teenager who thinks it’s O.K. to pick up a gun and shoot someone?
Good point, Nate. By the same token, if you teach a person that killing an unborn child is *un*acceptable, he’ll never grow up to be someone who thinks it’s OK to pick up a gun and shoot someone.

Left by FlipYrWhig on October 30th, 2006

“…no apes were involved in the creation of man and woman…”
OK. Who let Doctor Zaius’s human counterpart out?

Left by Serge on October 30th, 2006

Unfortunately, there wouldn’t really be any savings, since we’d then have to go on to teach the kiddies that aliens want to rummage in their underwear, you can’t get knocked up on the first date but you can get knocked up if you’re a virgin, plants grow faster if you sing to them, dogs know when an earthquake is coming, ghosts exist, dinosaurs were big lizards, pencil lead is actually lead, sharks eat people all the time, aliens built the pyramids, the government is ruled by a secret cabal, women are too moody and unpredictable to be president, gay people are just going through a phase, snakes are slimy, Coke makes an excellent spermicide, wrestling is real, you can too beat the House, and a host of other bullshit that our fellow citizens routinely tell complete strangers with clipboards that they believe. Does Nathan want to volunteer to do the “The DaVinci Code Is Real” class, the “Bigfoot Lives In Texas” class, or the “Hey, I Drive Better When I’m Drunk” class? I’ll do “Horoscopes Are Real–And Evil”, but we definitely need someone to take up the slack on the whole “Jesus Was An American” issue.
We’ll also, based on comments my fellow white suburbanites routinely make, need some classes that teach that Asian men have tiny penises and Asian women are all masochists and subs at heart, Black people just aren’t that bright, and are kind of violent, too, and also sort of promiscuous, and Jews control everything and are going to hell. Also, all dark skinned men are probably Muslims and therefore terrorists, which I’m willing to bet even more people believe than know where Canada is. (Which reminds me, geography classes will have to be *seriously* reworked. Fixing all those books sounds expensive to me, Nathan.) Yahoo, sounds like exactly the sort of world *I* want to live in.

Left by D. Sidhe on October 30th, 2006

That whole “teaching kids to use/put on rubbers” bit drives me nuts. It’s not that hard difficult to figure out. Honestly. I remember well the first condoms I stole from my dad, back in those misty B.A.* days of yore. I, uh, used ‘em in a somewhat non-standard way (solo!!1!), had a good ol’ time with them (novelty factor), and could easily have utilized them in nearly any appropriate sex situation from that day forward–not that there were any essential uses for ‘em at that point for gay boiz, but still. Anybody who is too st00pid to figure out condoms on their own without the “put the Tr0jan™ on the banana” class deserves the hordes of squalling brats they’ll be stuck with (or stuck paying for) by the time they’re 16 or so… and the many more to follow. No abortions for you, asshole.
.
*Before AIDS, of course!

Left by Marq on October 30th, 2006

Why do we need to clear out money in the school budget for boot camps for teens? If we videotape the camps and air the best parts on Maury Povich and Montel Williams, they should be able to pay for themselves. There would even be money left over for all the paternity tests necessary after teenage sex-ed is outlawed.

Left by Dave on October 30th, 2006

Shiva H. Vishnu, I didn’t bother reading him. Did he ask why, if men evolved from monkeys, there are still monkeys?
Oh, and I loves me some D. Sidhe. Just in case I haven’t said it recently.

Left by Doghouse Riley on October 30th, 2006

This guy’s such a cliched dolt I think he’s really a liberal pretending to be a Republican for a halloween joke, sort of the inverse of this Mallard Fillmore cartoon.

Left by Christopher on October 30th, 2006

Bah, “the Young Jesse Helms” needs to be more creative. All this column is is a conglomeration of winger talking points, rehashed from other sources. If he’d remembered to mention gays he’d have all the parts he needed for his “Ultimate Moralizing Wingnut” costume.

Left by Drew Johnston on October 30th, 2006

Don’t knock it. That “voting on the right answer” thing is pretty cool.”Fifty-five percent said God created humans in their present form.” In fact, I might actually have passed Biology – and math -if we could have just voted on the answers. And then I could have become a brain surgeon or rocket scientist. Please, sir, may I have more gruel.

Left by tomg on October 30th, 2006

Y’know, tomg, you’ve given me a whole ‘nother perspective on this thing. But why should it be limited to public school science courses? “Jews lose plebiscite, must accept Jesus”. “Soap opera actors now officially the characters they play.” “Cheney to face firing squad.” Sure would liven things up while we wait on the Rapture–oops, minority opinion.

Left by Doghouse Riley on October 30th, 2006

Yes, I too insist we stop indoctrinating children regarding politically hot issues like evolution and instead merely teach them scientific fact, such as that ensoulment occurs at conception.

Left by tigrismus on October 30th, 2006

“Quite a bit of money left over”…
Has this jackass ever even *attended* school?

Left by actor212 on October 30th, 2006

“…faster than our hands can fly across a computer keyboard…” Fly across what?? If smart kids are doing it online, then it must be the dumb kids that do it in the backseat of the car, and evolutionary theory dictates that we will thus devolve (Q: Are we not men?)into jingoistic dittoheads who are too dumb to put on a condom.
But seriously, folks — guys usually find that, once the opportunity avails itself, putting on a condom is a pretty easy task compared to the previous one they’ve just mastered, namely unhooking a bra.

Left by trashfire on October 30th, 2006

D. Sidhe, I find your lack of faith disturbing. First of all, you can beat the House (of Representatives). And while Horoscopes are indeed Real, they are not in the least bit Evil, at least when applied to White House scheduling.
And, dammit, Hey-Zeus was an American!

Left by arghous on October 30th, 2006

Nathan flushed his credibility down the toilet the moment he made the assumption that kids are all showing up to schools potty trained these days. I mean Max Boot and Sean Hannity aren’t, why should we expect it of the little ones?

Left by Paul Curtin on October 30th, 2006

Why not just replace public schools with workhouses, and make the brats earn their keep for a change?
No, not workhouses–boot camps. As in, military. See, we’re going to need a whole boatload of cannon fodder if we want to bring the Apoca…I mean, neutralize the threat of Iranian nukes.

Left by Tom Hilton on October 30th, 2006

“. . . is a pretty easy task compared to the previous one they’ve just mastered, namely unhooking a bra.”
Thanks for making me flashback to my first clumsy attempt at doing that.

Left by Mark S. on October 30th, 2006

“Jews lose plebiscite, must accept Jesus”.
Man, I wish like hell I’d said that. That’s hilarious on at least four levels.
And Marq, I’d cheerfully go along with your policy except I know a couple like that, and I feel incredibly bad for the resultant children, who are virtually guaranteed to end up schizophrenic or worse. (People too dumb to understand condoms are absolutely too dumb to comprehend the hazards of similar family histories of disease.)
I don’t even like kids and I think it’s a nasty thing to do to them.

Left by D. Sidhe on October 30th, 2006

Why not just replace public schools with workhouses, and make the brats earn their keep for a change?
Three words: mandatory chastity belts.

Left by Brad R. on October 30th, 2006

Actually, I think he’s got a point. If 55% of people don’t believe in evolution, maybe we should stop teaching it. It’s clear most people aren’t actually learning anything.
Why not just replace public schools with workhouses, and make the brats earn their keep for a change?
I can see the bumper stickers now: “Home Erect-us, not homo erectus.”

Left by HemlockEcho on October 30th, 2006

Oh, christ. He can’t possibly be PRO teenage boot camps. Most of those things are under investigation for pretty horrific abuse of children. Jesus fuck.
I may be misreading or over-reacting, but I have a friend who was sent to one of those things in high school by parents who didn’t want to deal with her depression, and she’s STILL recovering from the experience. And I can no longer tell what sort of fucked up shit rightwingers will support these days.

Left by Jack of None on October 30th, 2006

When I’m President, all children, no matter how young, will know how to use condoms to make balloon animals.

Left by fiver on October 31st, 2006

fiver, I am so voting for you. Though may I suggest an exemption for those with latex allergies?
And arghous, in the context of workhouses for children (and casting back to Newt’s Dickensian bid to recreate state orphanages) the notion of beating the House of Representatives is both disturbing and somewhat appealing…

Left by D. Sidhe on October 31st, 2006

Fifty-five percent said God created humans in their present form, i.e., no apes were involved in the creation of man and woman. And yet, school districts throughout the U.S. continue to waste their precious resources teaching children that man evolved from monkeys.
This idea of “opinion trumps fact” is like the Wingnut Rosetta Stone, isn’t it?

Left by Chad on October 31st, 2006

Not always, Chad: they still think W is the awesomest president ever.

Left by tigrismus on October 31st, 2006

I’d love to know the methodology of a survey that shows 55 percent of Americans are complete idiots.
On second thought, I may not want to know. It might be sound, and I’ll be even more depressed.

Left by mmm...lemonheads on October 31st, 2006

Lynne Cheney's 'Sisters' Just Good Friends

The Raw Story brings us the story: 

Lynne Cheney appeared on CNN’s The Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer. She dismissed Virginia Democrat Jim Webb as being “full of baloney” but was uncooperative when Blitzer questioned her on her own book.

Here’s part of Raw Story’s transcript:

BLITZER: Here’s what the Democratic Party put out today, the Democratic Congressional — Senatorial Campaign Committee: “Lynne Cheney’s book featured brothels and attempted rape. In 1981, Vice President Dick Cheney’s wife, Lynne, wrote a book called “Sisters”, which featured a lesbian love affair, brothels and attempted rapes.”
CHENEY: No.
BLITZER: “In 1988, Lynn Cheney wrote about a Republican vice president who dies of a heart attack while having sex with his mistress.” Is that true?
CHENEY: Nothing explicit. And actually, that was full of lies.
It’s not — it’s just — it’s absolutely not a…
BLITZER: Did you write a book entitled “Sisters”?
CHENEY: I did write a book entitled “Sisters”.
BLITZER: It did have lesbian characters.
CHENEY: This — no, not necessarily. This description is a lie.

I’ll stand on that.

So, these characters from Sisters are not necessarily lesbians: 

The women who embraced in the wagon were Adam and Eve crossing a dark cathedral stage — no, Eve and Eve, loving one another as they would not be able to once they ate of the fruit and knew themselves as they truly were. She felt curiously moved, curiously envious of them. She had never to this moment thought Eden a particularly attractive paradise, based as it was on naiveté, but she saw that the women in the cart had a passionate, loving intimacy forever closed to her. How strong it made them. What comfort it gave.

See, just because Eve and Eve share a passionate, loving intimacy, they aren’t necessarily lesbian characters — they won’t find out their sexual orientation until John Kerry announces it in a presidential debate.

And this next passage is most likely just describing a slumber party which takes place in a bower:

Let us go away together, away from the anger and imperatives of men. We shall find ourselves a secluded bower where they dare not venture. There will be only the two of us, and we shall linger through long afternoons of sweet retirement. In the evenings, I shall read to you while you work your cross-stitch in the firelight. And then we shall go to bed, our bed, my dearest girl.

So, just as her characters aren’t necessarily lesbians, Lynne isn’t necessarily full of crap (or baloney). 

BLITZER: There’s nothing in there about rape and brothels?
CHENEY: Well, Wolf, could we talk about a children’s book for a minute?

A children’s book about rape and brothels??? Lynne, I am shocked, SHOCKED that you would want to talk about such things on public TV, especially after you mentioned that your grandchildren might be tuning in!

BLITZER: I just wanted to — I just wanted to clarify what’s in the news today, given — this is…
CHENEY: That’s lies and distortion. That’s what it is.
BLITZER: This is an opportunity for you to explain on these sensitive issues.
CHENEY: Wolf, I have nothing to explain. Jim Webb has a lot to explain.
BLITZER: Well, he says he’s only — as a serious writer, novelist, a fiction writer, he was doing basically what you were doing.
CHENEY: Jim Webb is full of baloney.

Yeah, if anybody thinks that Lynne Cheney, author of Sisters, The Republican VP Who Died While Cheating On His Wife: A Cautionary Tale, and A Republican Child’s Book of Wholesome, Uplifting, White American History is a serious writer, they are full of baloney.  Thanks for making that point clear, Lynne.

P.S.  I’m really hoping that Mrs. Tarquin Biscuitbarrel will weigh in on this story, because she’s America’s preeminent Lynne Cheney sleazy novel scholar.  She is also an expert on the smutty novels written by such other prominent conservatives as Scooter Libby and Bill O’Reilly, and has written scholarly Amazon book reviews about Laura Bush porn.

Posted by s.z. on Saturday, October 28th, 2006 at 3:30 am.

Here I was all set to talk about Lynne’s little prevarications to Wolf for my Saturday post at The American Street and you beat me to it, s.z. I keep forgetting that with your menagerie you never sleep. My elderly cocker spaniel, on the other hand, is a sleep machine which, it seems, keeps me from the top of my game. Fortunately we still have Michael Steele to kick around this morning.

Left by Clif Burns on October 28th, 2006

I’m also still awake in an effort to stave off feline desecrations of a carpet, which seems to happen whenever she feels I’m ignoring her. Also, my partner snores, so I tend to sleep days anyway. Which is obviously the deal here. I mean, it’s our bed, I certainly share it with my partner and all, but it’s more like a timeshare than a brothel. That’s all Lynne meant. They had to share beds because, you know, it was the olden days, and as Jonah Goldberg recently explained, even the rich couldn’t get iPods, so they probably didn’t have enough beds to go around either. Makes me glad I live now!
Either that or they were just Lesbian Until Homesteading, which is perfectly acceptable, and in no way means that you are, of course, some kind of butch bulldyke. Plus one of them probably just seduced the other, you know how those wicked suffranazis were, and thus completely *ruined* her for bears. Oh, wait, different novel.
Man, republicans have creepy sexual issues…

Left by D. Sidhe on October 28th, 2006

If Jim Webb is full of baloney…
Sorry, had to go with the easy joke. Carry on.

Left by mmm...lemonheads on October 28th, 2006

All this ‘sisters’ talk reminds me that it’ll soon be time to pop White Christmas into the DVD player. Can’t wait for Rosemary Clooney and Vera-Ellen to do their song Sisters, about, yes, sisters, who do everything together and who warn “Lord help the mister who gets between me and my sister”. Then, right after that, we get Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye doing their rendition of that same song.

Left by Serge on October 28th, 2006

I think it was T.S. Eliot who said something to the effect of “trust the tale, not the teller” when asked whether one should trust/ask authors as to the meaning of the work ( or maybe they were asking what he was going on about in “The Wasteland”)
Lynn reminds me of one of my freshmen. I say something to the effect that the words in front of them seem to suggest that, say, Yeat’s “Second Coming” is not really about sex (well, at least they read the title). They tell me “well, it means whatever I want it to me, and it’s my interpretation.” And then I bore the shit out of them explaining how our constructs of interpretation come from the biblical method of exegesis blah blah blah and they are confusing that with Romantic constructions of blah blah blah ( I love making shit up that they couldn’t give a fuck about but that they have to listen to so that I tell finally tell them that they can revise the paper for a higher grade).
Well, I’m a gut grader, but Lynn, even I would not give you over a D. I’m sorry,the assignment was a basic plot summary of The Sisters. You failed to do that. You fail to take into account basic setting ( brothels); essential plot components ( attempted rape). You even are confused about the main characters. Writing about another book, simply is not acceptable.

Left by tomg on October 28th, 2006

I happened to flip channels from the Ickfest that was BillO on Okra and caught the Wolfie’s attempt to pin down Lynne–hilarious! My, my she was about to go all “Bill Clinton” on Wolfie, there! Not to mention the sucking up Wolf did over her current book and in closing the interview. Then they went to a screen shot of the Amazon page of the “not necessarily” ready for porn-time and I couldn’t help but notice the price:
http://tinyurl.com/y4r3wt

Left by katrina on October 28th, 2006

What a fine example of the news we get whether we deserve it or not. Some pseudo-salaciousness in the Virginia Senate campaign is answered with “Lynne Cheney did it too.” It was the perfect opportunity to exercise what used to be called “news judgment” and leave a non-story alone, or at least let ‘em worry about it in Virginia. Instead Blitzer invites Cheney on.
Which might be considered a double-edged sword, but then Wolfie either is only marginally aware of what was in the book–rather famously made public more than two years ago–or he does a very good impression of a man with transient global amnesia. He quotes the Dem press release at her! As a result Cheney has the opportunity to claim she’s being attacked, and to wriggle as far as she feels she can, considering the whole thing’s long since made public, knowing Wolf isn’t prepared to call her on it directly. How many researchers do we imagine are on the Situation Room staff? And why are they there?

Left by Doghouse Riley on October 28th, 2006

How many researchers do we imagine are on the Situation Room staff? And why are they there?
My money’s on “staying abreast of hair salon technology”.

Left by D. Sidhe on October 28th, 2006

In case anyone’s in the mood to read some real bad writin’, a kind soul at white house.org posted a pdf of the entire book.
http://www.whitehouse.org/administration/lynne-cheney-sisters-full.pdf
Enjoy the hypocrisy!

Left by Diane on October 29th, 2006

Man, she’s a bad writer.

Left by Jane Finch on October 29th, 2006

Diane: Remember, it’s only hypocarsy when a liberal\democrat does it.

Left by Yaoi Huntress Earth on October 30th, 2006

Whereas the book was ‘only’ going for 299.95 on Friday, today it’s up to 695.95 on Amazon.

Left by katrina on October 30th, 2006

Look, no matter how bad Cheney OR Webb’s books were, neither holds a candle to Lewis “Bears Raping Thirteen Year Olds” Libby…

Left by actor212 on October 30th, 2006

Katrina, the paperback is up to $1,500 this morning. But you can read it for free!

The manly Mr. Biscuitbarrel called out to me last night that a couple we know had sent a link to WO’C mentioning my name. Now that Lynne Cheney’s “Sisters” has achieved its silver anniversary year, I’m very grateful that my honeyboy over at http://www.whitehouse.org has posted a .pdf for free downloading. I sent him an attachment e-copy of “Sisters” after LiveJournal took down my blog in late November 2004, only a week or so after I’d typed in the last chapter of the book.

Thanks to another tip today, I learned of another site, http://www.thesmokingnug.com, which also is offering a .pdf download of “Sisters.” (I thought that the website’s title was a typo, but not so!)

There are several plot twists of “Sisters” that I find at least as interesting, in fact, as the Sapphic characters that people keep giggling about. For one, the novel’s beautiful heroine, Sophie Dymond, has long enjoyed a satisfying heterosexual sex life, complete with extramarital lovers, with little fear of unplanned pregnancy. After Sophie runs away from her convent school and joins a traveling circus–okay, I didn’t write this book, folks, I only re-typed it–Sophie’s first boss comments on her beauty. Then, rather than making a pass at her, Ms. Boss thoughtfully gives her a “lacquered box” chock-full of “preventive powders,” silk sponges, and sheaths. “There are all these things, you know,” her boss comments languidly.

Sophie’s love life also provides her with a publishing empire, after her aging husband conveniently dies and leaves her sole heiress.

When Sophie comes West to her native Wyoming to investigate her sister’s mysterious death by falling, she learns that while yes, the native American Deer Woman is her maternal grandmother, there’s some doubt as to her parentage. Deer Woman spent the winter before Sophie’s birth snowed in at winter camp for months, alone with TWO men.

There’s also Lynne Cheney’s unblinking assertion that homesteaders are trash, and that only major landowners are proper stewards of the land. (No surprises here.) The homes are large and luxurious, there are servants a-plenty, and Sophie even has a personal maid named, ncongruously, “Connie.” (I kept expecting characters named Midge and Skipper to show up next.)

When Lynne told Wolf Blitzer that it was “a lie” that “Sisters” had lesbian characters, I can’t imagine what Lynne imagined that two such markedly affectionate women as Sophie’s sister and her teacher/friend did together in “our bed… dearest girl.”

When the eyes of the women characters in “Sisters” begin to sparkle, and their breasts to heave, they typically are talking about temperance and sexual abstinence. Sophie/Lynne doesn’t understand the form these women’s fervor takes. Though the character of the vice-president conveniently dies in Lynne’s first novel, perhaps back in 1981, when her second was published, she still secretly hoped that her buoy-shaped husband would be quickly disposed of.

After all, that’s what happens to Sophie. A few plot twists and turns later, Sophie ends up with her dashing, wealthy Scottish brother-in-law. His wife may have been Sophie’s sister, but in Cheney’s eyes she was too somber, too Sapphic, and too uncontrollably fertile to be worthy of this prairie stud muffin.

No wonder Lynne has turned her attentions to writing ultra-patriot children’s books. She’s learned that wishing, as a writer, can’t make things so.
Left by Mrs. Tarquin Biscuitbarrel on October 30th, 2006

 

I suggest you enter the Lynne market right before Christmas with a March put option on 1000 books at $700 a crack (no pun intended) and let ‘er ride until just after Valentine’s Day. You’ll make a fortune.

Left by trashfire on October 30th, 2006

After seeing Lynne’s conversation with Wolf, I finally realized why Dick has to get out of the house so much. Despite being married to Lynne, Dick is a pretty fun, if evil, guy:
http://joecrubaugh.com/blog/2006/10/23/a-day-with-dick-cheney/

Left by JoeC on October 31st, 2006

Maybe one of the “Eves” was a she-male, which would make her partially a man and therefore probably OK under Republican guidelines for writing smut. I mean as long as homosexuality isn’t overtly portrayed. Of course, Republicans also like man-on-dog sex.

Left by Vincennes on October 31st, 2006

Is lynn taking lessons from Barbara Shrub?

Left by ralph on October 31st, 2006

It is ruumorred that in the Cheney household the children were sent to their rooms for telling the truth.
Scooter Libby has privately told his friends that he actually didn’t know he was lying.
Dick Cheney and Mike Tyson. Dude, you best cover your ears.
Exorcise your right. Vote!!!

Left by cognitorex on November 1st, 2006

Republican smut is morally upstanding, while Democratic smut threatens the Republic. But how did this women head up anything when her writing is so terrible? She should be thankful they pressured the publisher not to reissue it. What an embarrassment! What’s next, Santorum writing gay porn?

Left by Dave on September 16th, 2008