The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, world-o-crap.com (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Tis the Season

Sorry to flake out, but I have a cold and I feel crummy, so I am going to go back to bed until it’s time to pick up the kitten.  I will tally the ULTMATE WINGNUT nominations later.
But for now, here’s some interesting WOC (War on Christmas) news from WorldNetDaily:
Have yourself a politically incorrect holiday season 
Drive ACLU bananas with this Thanksgiving, Christmas
You know, that’s the reason that I personally celebrate these holidays: just to annoy and enrage other people.
Are you tired of the annual ritual of Christmas tree burnings and Nativity scene demolition?
Even though I see them hundreds of them each season, I NEVER get tired of the annual Christmas tree burnings and Nativity scene demolitions! In fact, it just wouldn’t be Christmas without the yearly Christmas tree burnings (we usually dress up in our white capes and hood for this fun family activity — this year we’re going after the White House Christmas tree, so watch for us on TV!) and the ceremonial crèche demolitions (we usually invite Dick Cheney to come along with us as we shoot up Nativity scenes and other sitting targets throughout the state).

In fact, next to the annual “Running, Killing and Skinning of the Christian Warriors,” these traditions are the best part of Christmas!
Are you sick of being on the defensive each year as the American Civil Liberties Union wars against God in the public square?
How would you like to go on the offensive this year by proclaiming openly your God-given right to celebrate Him whenever and wherever you please?
Or, how would you like to just be offensive, by whining to the world that the clerk at BestBuy is infringing on your God-given right to worship Jesus in the big-screen TV department by failing to wish you a “Merry Christmas”?
This year, you don’t have to wait for the first salvo to be fired by the ACLU.
Start complaining to the media NOW!  Come on, it will be fun.  Plus, maybe you’ll get your name in the paper, or garner an invitation to appear on “The O’Reilly Factor” or “Hannity and Jesus Hater.”
This year, it’s your turn to go on the offensive for a politically incorrect, but spiritually correct, Thanksgiving and Christmas season.
But there’s no time to lose.
Because the ACLU forces could capture and kill you at any minute! They are worthy adversaries, so you must buy lots of wrist bands, magnets, and pins if you hope to defeat them!

Yes, as you might have guessed, the WND plan to help you be offensive this season is to sell you their own crappy “It’s Christmas, Dammit!” line of merchandise.

As usual, our favorite is the “Operation: Just Say ‘Merry Christmas’ bracelets.” This “Defending Jesus from the Secularists at PetSmart” item sells for $2, even though one would think that you’d pay at least .50 for a rubber band of this quality. (As WND says, “They’re priced inexpensively so you can buy quantities and give them away to other likeminded friends or, for a real laugh, your local ACLU activist.” Ha ha, what a merry prank that would be!)

But there’s another reason to buy them!
The enemies of Christmas have succeeded in making Christians feel as if we are bad and intolerant to wish someone a Merry Christmas.This is political correctness run amok. We have reached an all time low point in our nation’s history when human sensibilities are elevated above offending Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. It is long past the time for Christians to stand firm in our faith.In an effort to help turn the tide, Dan and Jennifer Giroux have created this Christmas bracelet to help emphasize once again that the central focus of this season is the Birth of the Christ Child


We like the bracelets not only because they pioneered the way for “Wish Me A Merry Christmas or Go to Hell” stuff being sold by rival martyr groups this year, or because they were designed to make Christians feel better about being intolerant, but also because they were the invention of our good friend Jen Giroux, the women who said that the devastating tsunamis of 2004 were a result of “taking Christ out of Christmas.”

And, as you will recall, Jen is not only the woman whose main claim to fame is that she started a women’s action group to defend “The Passion of the Christ” from its detractors, she’s also the sister of perennial political candidate Jim Condit, Jr., the guy who said that you could be executed for celebrating Christmas unless we changed our laws, because “Congress now says America’s basic laws are the Noahide laws — laws invented by Jewish rabbis. Under the NOAHIDE laws, if anyone practices Christianity [such as celebrates Christmas], they will be tried by a court of Jewish rabbis and sentenced to death.”

And speaking of anti-Semitic nutcases, what has Jim been up to lately? Let’s see if this recent Chicago Tribune piece gives us a clue:
Airwaves shouldn’t be open to vile politics

The 60-second commercial that began airing last week on WLS-AM 890 is almost too toxic to quote. The basic thrust was that Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff is part of a traitorous Jewish conspiracy that engineered the 9/11 attacks.

Only in the quick tag line at the end–”Paid for by Jim Condit Jr. for Congress”–was there a clue why the station had apparently abandoned a long-standing tradition among mainstream broadcasters not to sell airtime to peddlers of paranoid, prejudicial poison.

Federal Communications Commission regulations require that broadcasters sell airtime to legally qualified political candidates prior to elections. And at first, WLS general manager John Gallagher thought the station had no choice but to air Condit’s spots.

Even though he’s just a write-in candidate. Even though he’s running in an Ohio district more than 300 miles from Chicago. Even though, last time he ran, he received just 10 votes. Even though it’s obvious his candidacy is a pretext for violating the spirit and intent of the law.

WLS’ 50,000-watt, clear-channel signal usually comes in strong in Ohio after sundown. Therefore, a lawyer in the FCC office that deals with political broadcasting regulations told me, Condit is entitled to buy commercial time as long as his message isn’t obscene and he qualifies as a legal candidate in his district.

If WLS refuses, the FCC lawyer said, the station risks losing its license if the commission finds it in “willful or repeated” violation of the candidate-access rules.

WLS decided to refuse anyway. After airing Condit’s harangue “less than 10 times,” Gallagher said, and touching off objections from listeners and on-air hosts, the station decided to declare Condit’s district outside of its coverage area and pull the ads. The station’s secondary reason was that Condit is not a bona fide candidate, as the law requires, in that he does not appear to be engaged in any “activities commonly associated with political campaigning,” aside from hurling invective.

It’s outrageous that the station has to gamble its future so as not to facilitate the dissemination of such hate.

WLS afternoon drive host Roe Conn had a great response to discourage future opportunists: He said he will personally donate $6,500, the amount Condit paid WLS, to the Jewish United Fund and the World Trade Center Memorial Foundation.
Good for Roe Conn!

But from this item we can see that everything is just the same with Jim, and so we can go back to ignoring him, and start wondering about those ten people who voted for him.

But back to our central theme, which is that as you celebrate Christmas this year, try to do in an as offensive and belligerent manner as possible, so you can piss off everybody who doesn’t love Jesus as much as you do.
 

40 Responses to “Tis the Season”

The church that I grew up going to always had a prayer service to burn Christmas trees after the season. Clearly they should have been renamed St. ALCU’s, it does have a ring to it.
OK, I’m just baffled now. Jesus is the reason for Thanksgiving now? I thought it was corn or something.
And where has New Year’s Day gone off to in their approved “holiday season”? And is it about Jesus, or not? Maybe it’s the commemoration of the night he got really plastered with Dick Clark and dropped a giant sparkly ball on a city just to see what would happen. (Oh, like Dick wasn’t around then.)
As a secular-Christmas lover (sparkly things! Whee!), I’m not generally offended when people wish me a Merry Christmas. But man, the last few years, those who dare to defy the “Holidays” juggernaut and say it have often done so with a tone that says, “Yeah, I said it, bitch. What are YOU gonna do about it?” And if that doesn’t take the Jesus out of the season, I don’t know what does.
Buy a magnetic bumper sticker? Or purchase a bracelet?
I find this crass commercialization of the “War Against Christmas” to be rather depressing.
When will these people put the CHRIST back into the “War On Christmas”?
What will Jen do when the ACLU steps in to support her brother’s hate speech commercials?
And, no, Jen, the ACLU *never* “fires the first salvos”. At this point I think we all know what triggers ACLU complaints (And don’t imagine they’re sitting there in their offices weeping gently because someone put up a Christmas tree without an accompanying Menorah on the courtyhouse lawn–It’s entirely a technical issue. They’re not angry or upset about it, they’re just doing paperwork. That’s what the ACLU does. They don’t seem to take any issues personally, or they sure wouldn’t have defended Rush Limbaugh.), and doing those things in order to piss them off removes your right to bitch that they filed complaints, as well as being pointless on the pissing-them-off front.
If you want to put up your decalogues and your Christmas trees and your large, seasonally appropriate notices that everyone who says “happy holidays” is going to roast in hell, do it in your own yard. Your homeowners association may bitch, but the ACLU doesn’t give a rat’s ass.
Seriously, isn’t this the time of year when you could be using your organization’s budget to help the poor and homeless who are dying of exposure in the streets? Somehow it’s more appropriate to spend it on a massive campaign to go out of your way to make people angry and get people to boycott Best Buy.
How very Christian. I’m sure it’s exactly what Jesus would do.
New York composts Christmas trees. Government pays for it with taxes.
Imagine. Sodom on the Hudson, tool of the ecoterrorists.
Wish I was as eloquent as D. Sidhe. Oh, and happy holidays to all.
Haven’t you heard? The real worry is the war on Cephalopodmas.
PZ!!1! My hero!1! [swoon]
***** * * * awhuh? Where am I? What was I talking about? Oh, yeah, teh “War” On Christmas. Feh. When I get wished “Merry Christmas!”, how I react depends mostly upon who it is smiting me with that wish, and a little on where I am being wished that. Family, friends, people I know at least fairly well–these are people who I know are just wishing me well, and are not trying to convert me to Christianity. So, I’ll likely respond along the lines of, “And you, too.” Nice and simple.
From perfect strangers, it depends a lot on where I run into them. In a gay bar, I’ll probably figure that they’re not Christianists, especially if they’ve got a hand on my ass, their tongue down my throat, or other, more intimate things going on. But, even there, if they have that typical glassy-eyed fundie stare, look out!
Out in the unfriendly expanse of the world, I would generally reply to “Merry Christmas!” (especially if it’s said in that weird, confrontational tone some fundies take) with, “I’m sorry, but I don’t celebrate that holiday” and try to leave it at that. The expressions on their faces are guaranteed to be hilarious! note, however, that this method can generate loud, confrontational arguments, and even violence, so use it at your own risk.
Come to think of it, my “proof” of non-funnymentalism is probably a non-starter in these post-Reverand Haggard days. Just because I have sex with some dude doesn’t mean he’s not a prominent Christian pastor, priest, or Cardinal. Or Imam or Rabbi, for that matter*.
.
.
*The wiccans probably don’t give a crap.
It was that “rat’s ass” thing that gave me away, wasn’t it.
Rest assured, I already have an octopus hand puppet that will top my tree this year. If I can find some green tinsel, it’ll all have that nice seaweed look to go with the various fishy ornaments, including the little octopus in a Santa hat someone sent me.
And if people don’t wish me a Merry Cephalopodmas, and do it *right*, I’m soaking them with my squirtee rubber vampire squid. Consider yourselves warned.
Bill O’Reilly would approve.
And the page for Annti’s friend Lee is up and apparently working fine. http://forleola.blogspot.com/
Where do they come up with this persecution shit? (Other than their asses.)
“How would you like to go on the offensive this year by proclaiming openly your God-given right to celebrate Him whenever and wherever you please.”
So these nitwits have a God-given right to celebrate Christmas whenever and wherever they please. Can someone familiarize me with the part of the constitution that says Fundamentalist Christians can show up at, say, 3 in the afternoon on a Tuesday in July to sing “O Little Town of Bethlehem” at the mosque or synagogue of their choice.
he does not appear to be engaged in any “activities commonly associated with political campaigning,” aside from hurling invective
There’s some other activity besides hurling invective that’s commonly associated with political campaigning? Who’da suspected?
I had one of those noahide-covered couches once.
These people just will not rest until they make every American as filled with impotent, pointless rage as they are. Seriously, how empty and sad must your life be if you are driven to hate by the Christmas season? When did Christianity become all about pissing people off in the name of Jesus while you buy you overpriced crap?
tomg: it isn’t in the Constitution because it’s a “God-given” right.
Comrades, is it OK for this here atheist (and ACLU card-carrying member) to have already set up his fake Xmas tree up in the living-room? We even put up the lights in the tree. No ornaments yet, except for the one I got with the videotape of Matt Groening Olive a few years back. No Nativity Scene because the family’s puppy might try to run away with one of the Three Wise Men.
Thanks Constitution Guy. Of course it wouldn’t be in the Constitution. All mention of God, the Creator, Christmas and Bill O’Reilly were ripped out the original wersion by the ACLU. In fact, though, I did find it in the Declaration of Independence:
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, the pursuit of Happiness and the right to show up at, say, 3 in the afternoon on a Tuesday in July to sing “O Little Town of Bethlehem” at the mosque or synagogue of one’s choice.”
It always makes me proud to see soemthing good going on in sweet home Chicago, even if it takes a bit for the ability to ditinguish right from wrong to sink in.
And I can only imagine two reactions of those around me for whom I purchase such lovely gifts as rubber wristbands: 1)you cheap bastard, and 2) are you fuckin’ stupid?
I do invite everyone to join this year in the Third Annual Informal Audit of Church Nativity Scenes, which tallies occurances of the sacred relic which is so goddam crucial to proper observance of the holiest day on the Christian calendar they can demand tax monies be spent to rub other peoples’ noses in it, but don’t bother actually putting the damn things up ourselves.
Last year, if memory serves, I counted three creches in my survey of fifty churches, and two of those were on private property I passed along the way.
Survey takers should note the presence of light-up Magi, signifying textual illiteracy over and above the couldn’t-possibly-have-happened-that-way Nativity tale, and (I’m assuming this applies only to private displays) the presence of Santy, red-bulb-nosed reindeer, or other concurrent Christmas kitsch in the same display.
The whole concept of Christmas is vulgar and repulsive to the faithful.http://www.congregationofyhwhjerusalem.com/index.html
I just realized I screwed-up the link on my other posting {my apologies}.Try following the links for this instead ;
http://www.kehilatbendavid.org
Are you tired of the annual ritual of Christmas tree burnings
I think the Jews call ‘em “menorahs”…
No true believer in Christ celebrates christmas anyway,It’s simply a pagan/passover hybrid.Not to mention the fact that we are supposed to reject capitalism in all it’s insidious forms !
Explains all;
http://www.lightofmashiach.org/paganmas.html
Are you sick of being on the defensive each year as the American Civil Liberties Union wars against God in the public square?
SUNDAY! Sunday! Sunday! One day only, in the Public Square Arena!
God versus The ACLU!
Grudge Match!
IRON CAGE GRUDGE MATCH!
Only one can survive!
BE THERE!
Matija,
The Mashiach cult is Jewish, not Christian. That would be like the Pentecostals explaining why the dreidel is a form of gambling.
Too good. I’m reminded to ask, where does a Bible tell me how to celebrate Christmas?
IRON CAGE GRUDGE MATCH!
It was done a bit differently in my day:
Interview studio; interviewer in the middle. There is a monsignor in full clerical garb with skull-cap, and opposite him a tweed-suite, old Don figure.
Interviewer Good evening, and welcome once again to the Epilogue. On the programme this evening we have Monsignor Edward Gay, visiting Pastoral Emissary of the Somerset Theological College and author of a number of books about belief, the most recent of which is the best seller ‘My God’. And opposite him we have Dr Tom Jack: humanist, broadcaster, lecturer and author of the book ‘Hello Sailor’. Tonight, instead of discussing the existence or non-existence of God, they have decided to fight for it. The existence, or non-existence, to be determined by two falls, two submissions, or a knockout. All right boys, let’s get to it. Your master of ceremonies for this evening – Mr Arthur Waring.
The participants move into a wrestling ring
MC Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to a three-round contest of the Epilogue. Introducing on my right in the blue corner, appearing for Jehovah – the ever popular Monsignor Eddie Gay. (there are boos from the crowd) And on my left in the red corner – author of the books ‘The Problems of Kierkegaard’ and ‘Hello Sailor’ and visiting Professor of Modern Theological Philosophy at the University of East Anglia – from Wigan – Dr Tom Jack! (cheers; gong goes for the start)
Link
I know what you mean, Elizabeth. Some woman snarled Merry Christmas at me in mid November last year. I gently reminded her that it was not Christmas. I always do that unless it is December 24th or 25th. I will Merry Christmas you to death on those days. But no others.
If Jesus gets offended when Laqueesha at the local Best Buy wishes me a happy holidays instead of a merry Christmas, then he’s a little pansy god.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that…
Give Christians a real reason to feel persecuted.
Worship Ba’al.
Can any of these poor persecuted victims point out just one case where someone was harrassed for saying Merry Christmas?
I swear, it’s like they want to change the US motto from “E Pluribus Unum” to “My Way Or The Highway.”
Can any of these poor persecuted victims point out just one case where someone was harrassed for saying Merry Christmas?
Left by Realist

Well, George Bailey DID get some strange looks when he ran down Main Street in Bedford….especially from that “Bert” guy, and we all know how close he is to Osama…
I thought it was Ernie who was really tight with Osama.
We have reached an all time low point in our nation’s history when human sensibilities are elevated above offending Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
You heard it here first, folks. Not saying “Merry Christmas” to every Tom, Dick and Harry that walks by is officially worse than slavery.
Please support the War On Christmas at http://www.endchristmas.com
Also, I think there are far more interesting fictional characters that deserve to have holidays in their honor. Christmas should be canceled in favor of Dorian Gray Day
To bad the whole story about Jesus in the manger, three wise men etc. is latter day fake and fluff up. The gospels make no mention of it. Even the Christian guy who wrote the fairly interesting historical book Jesus: the Evidence says this is probably the weakest and most unsupported aspect of Jesus being a real, living guy. The truth is much more interesting anyways, being that Christmas was a non-Christian holiday for probly thousands of years that then got grafted into a Christian holiday as various parts of pagan Celtic and Gallic Europe became Christianized.
Respect your Pagan heritage!!! Hey, it outfits me with new socks once a year. I can’t complain, nor do my feet. Kool.
OK, I’m just baffled now. Jesus is the reason for Thanksgiving now? I thought it was corn or something.
Tell me about it. The War on Christmas seems to start earlier every year. Why,this year it was only late October and the store was already displaying the holiday tree decorated with cute little metallic ACLU logos. Also displayed were the ubiquitous miniture holiday villages (creche-free,of course, although you could purchase an optional miniature mosque).
All this while we were still rushing to finish the satanic rituals around Halloween!
Thanks for keeping the spirit of Christmas alive. I’ve been fighting on the Best Buy front on the war on Christmas with an original song that seems to be generating lots of interest.
As you may know, Best Buy banned the use of “Merry Christmas” in their ads this year. It caused me to wonder what kind of an Inn Best Buy would be if it were an Inn, and not a department store, back in Bethlehem when Jesus was born. That thought gave birth to this song:
Best Buy Inn
Dr. BLT
words and music by Dr. BLT (c)2006
http://www.drblt.net/music/BestBI.mp3
Well, it… kinda… WOULDN’T MATTER since there was no Christmas back then so who cares?

Fa-La-La-La-La


As Scott pointed out yesterday, the Whine on Christmas has already begun.

In fact, just today I got an email from the American Family Association asking me to boycott BestBuy until the chain stops being respectful of all the holidays celebrated this season, and honor only the one true winter holiday: ExploitingWorkersForJesusDay.

In this email, the AFA brags how it brought Wal-Mart to its knees (thus trying to steal the glory from that guy and his brother in MA who really forced the Mom-And-Pop megalith to capitulate to the Baby Jesus), and asks us to send a message to the BestBuy board along the lines of “You got a nice little electronics chain there; it’d be a shame if it got buried under an avalanche of whiny form emails.”

Also, the Liberty Counsel has announced that they’ve started their Fourth Annual “Friend or Foe” campaign (“We pledge to be the ‘Friend’ to those entities which do not censor Christmas and a ‘Foe’ to those that do”). This year, they even have buttons (“I heart Christmas” and “I helped to commercialize save Christmas”) to compete with the AFA button featuring the Virgin Green Goblin and the Holy Snowball.

Yeah, it’s beginning to look a lot like stupidity.But despite all the annoying attempts to make me feel like smacking somebody, I still love the season. It’s nice to have a time when we can give in to our inclination towards generosity, kindness, and compassion.Along those lines, I got a call last night from the woman who runs that well meaning but inept shoestring animal rescue group that I mentioned before. She said that the animal shelter in her county (the poor, rural, stupid, George Bush-esque county next to mine) had incarcerated some very tiny kittens that had been separated from their mother, and were going to die, since the lone shelter worker couldn’t give them the care they needed (unfortunately, she knew that I had experience in handraising orphan kittens, because I had told her that I did). I said that I would drive out there this morning, and I would pay the fees and take the babies home with me and care for them, if they were still available, and then we’d worrry about finding them homes later. Well, it turns out that they had already died, but I did see cages full of dogs and cats all mewing and barking for attention, many of which were probably going to be put to sleep this weekend because they’ve had their week in the shelter and nobody wants them. (I know I don’t have to tell you guys this, but PLEASE heed the works of Bob Barker, and spay and neuter your pets).I did sign up to take an older female kitten that was still alive and unspoken for — she will now be given shots, treated for ear mites, and spayed if she is big enough, and I can take her home Monday or Tuesday. (Hey, Bix and Kit were neutered on Friday, so I guess I can handle a new kitten now.) She has a black Hitler mustache under her nose, so I’m thinking of naming her Bill O’Reilly. (Just a joke, Bill — I would never do that to a defenseless kitten.)I am thinking about also taking home an unattractive but very friendly adult cat who was picked up as a stray after she kept trying to get inside a warm house that wasn’t hers — she won’t be available for adoption until Tuesday, so if she is still there Tuesday, I’ll probably take her.

Anyway, I was thinking that that would be my one act of charity for the season, but then I heard about Anntichrist S. Coulter’s campaign to get treatment for her friend Lee, and decided that it wasn’t enough to be kind to the animals, that I should also try to be kind to some deserving humans this year. So, instead of buying some new gewgaws or technotoys for my spoiled, undeserving nieces and nephews, I will get them each a good book or something from the dollar store, and will donate to Lee’s fund, once it is all set up. If you can do something similar (or, even better, give to Lee’s fund AND buy crap for my undeserving nieces and nephews), that would be great. The link to the blog for Lee is here: For Lee

So, maybe you too should boycott every store that doesn’t treat you like the god that you are, and save some of that “It’s Christmas, damn it!” dough for worthy causes, like Lee, and unattractive adult cats.
 

23 Responses to “Fa-La-La-La-La”

Man, you don’t see the Jews, Muslims, or Kwaza-celebrators acting like a bunch of spoiled brats over this crap. I wonder why that is?
I continue to be amazed at your patience and generosity, S.Z.
And to the jackasses at Liberty, please be aware that when I caught your press release I elected to go to Best Buy, rather than Fry’s, to buy my copy of Harvey Birdman 2, and a couple of cartoon sets and fishy computer games for the older of the young relatives. You people can’t spend your budget on something to help people or make people happy rather than something to tear the nation apart, screw y’all.
S.Z., you rawk like all hell. I can’t tell you how touched that I am that you included Lee in your big-as-all-outdoors heart and your blog.
Thank you. And I mean that from the bottom of my charred, gnarled, shrivelled lump of coal that I call a heart.
And can I mention often enough how much D.Sidhe rawks as well? Those cranes were one of the most wonderful surprises that I’ve ever gotten, ranked right up there with S.Z.’s autographed copy of “Better Living Through Bad Movies.”
Honestly, this is one of those times of the year that I’m grateful to be an atheist, ’cause thix x-mas thit gives me the hives. And I’m staying as far as Wally World as possible, mostly ’cause I can’t drive yet, but still — I was going to order something off of their website for my great-nephew Damien (I shit y’all not, and I had nothing to do with that naming!!!), but then I decided to go with the frenchmen at Tar-jay.
And yes, I’ll be blogwhoring my wide, white, gelatinous tattooed fanny off the minute that I can drag Susan (the woman who has basically adopted Lee and given her a home) to the damned bank. I’m probably going to have to kidnap her from work to get it done, but by damn, we’re going to get it done!!!
Thank y’all so much, as always.
Even when I’m a terrible commenter and flake out for months at a time, y’all still treat me like family (okay, not like MY family, but how S.Z. treats her growing menagerie family). I hope y’all know how much that means to me.
Love y’all.
http://forleola.blogspot.com/
Before I forget. I also apperciate what you did for those animals.
A question to those groups like Liberty Counsel…if they’re really so hell bent on getting into heaven (pun intended), why pour so much money into defending the commercialism of Christmas rather than directing budgets towards helping a suffering innocent? Does loudly trumpeting the battle cry of Christmas earn more “god points” than some little old thing like saving a person’s life?
I’m pretty sure Anntichrist and s.z. looking better in God’s eyes (if you believe that kind of thing) with their genuine compassion than those who think the only way to heaven is with a bullhorn shouting “Merry Christmas” and a shirt covered in “I heart Christmas” pins.
Hmmm, might there be some kittens under the Xmas trees of your nieces and nephews? Perhaps right next to colorfully wrapped copies of “Better Living Through Bad Movies”? Yeah! I picked up a new kitten this week also from my local shelter and named him Kingfish. Of course Sapphire wasted no time fitting right into her role as the dominatrix in his life, though I think that when he gets to be full-sized (and tutored!) it will be Payback Time. Thanks for the tip about where to shop this year, s.z., though I hardly needed any more reason to avoid Walmart. And Annti, I am very happy to contribute to the fund for your friend. I wish her and you all the best.
You da man. So to speak.
And if the cat’s got that attribute, do upload a picture to http://www.catsthatlooklikehitler.com
She can be famous!
[...] ranked right up there with S.Z.’s autographed copy of “Better Living Through Bad Movies.”
OK, I realize that saying this is admitting to not getting The Book as of yet, and that this makes me a bad, bad, bad person. Granted. I am an asshole. Or bastard, if one prefers (see scott’s Batman part 4 thread above). But, how does one obtain an autographed copy of Better Living Thru Bad Movies? Are there any left, ‘cos I’d love to obtain one of those rather than the generic book all by its self? [should there be a question mark there, or a period? I just don't remember all that much from high school English, other than the difference between to, two, and too. And their and there. And crap like that]. I was seriously considering getting several copies (um, 3), with some earmarked for x-mess giving and one for me, but it was looking as if my so-called budget would only allow for two, and I was having a hell of a time deciding which friend would luck out and get it. No, I could not give both copies to my friends–I get one, and that’s not negotiable! Not. Negotiable.
And, so, as is often the case when I make plans for something nice, WHAM, I found myself in Hospital. It’s bad enough to end up there when you have some procedure planned, as was the case with Annti. But it really, really sucks when you go to bed, everything seems fine, and you wake up in the ER, and in piss-poor condition, too. Gawd, I hate the ER. [spit! patooie!!]

So, of course, I made the mistake of admitting to my nephrologist that I have a lovely, detailed, near-foolproof suicide plan, and that I had been kicking the idea around about utilizing it. While they didn’t quite put me in the psyche ward, I did get a nice session talking to a psychiatrist, with a promise to seek one out on the outside, as WELL as a therapist or therapists. Also, a yummy prescription for anti-depressants [which conflicted nicely with the shit I'm already taking for a variety of things, so we stopped those in a hurry. I'm getting a prescription for something else on Monday].
So, all this shit is not only taking up more of my precious blo-reading time, it’s taking up more of my extremely limited funding. Not happy about that. Really, really not happy. At the moment, everything looks like a steady slide downhill from here. Perhaps the new happy pills will level my attitude, but I dunno. I’m so used to being this way that I really don’t know how I’ll end up dealing with it if the Cloud O’ Gloom™ lifts at any point in the future.
So, therapy. Wheeeeee! I fucking HATE therapy. But, on the other hand, I do like love to complain. Bet they’ll get right sick of that pretty quick. Heh.
So, don’t worry too much about me–I’m considering it, but the outcome of suicide [my ego ceases to exist] is a truly rotten factor–hell, I’d consider hell a better outcome. See? Atheism saves lives! If things get much worse for me, it’s gonna start to look a lot more appealing, though. So, we shall see. And, perhaps the therapists can get me to convince myself to become a happy-go-lucky naif or some such. Then, I’ll be really irritating.

Marq,
email s.z or me your address, and we’ll get you a signed copy.
Marq, darlin’, I’m so sorry that you’re going through so much hell, and I do truly hope that you feel better soon.
But no, you don’t get off easy. Nope. If I have to survive all of my badly-clusterfucked attempts (that would make the Keystone Kops look like CSI), you’re stuck here, too.
No, it’s not fair, but neither is life. You’re stuck here with us, like it or not. And don’t make me get all yenta on your ass, ’cause I’m running in Full Yenta Mode these days, and while I could never catch you at a full run, I can throw a four-way tire-tool like a fucking boomerang.
Never fuck with a woman who carries her own tire tool.
So there are your orders. Git goin’. And report back here soon, or we’ll send out a posse that will make Lust In The Dust look like a fucking Susan Powter-Does-Disney cartoon!!!
Love,
Ranty Aunty Annti

http://forleola.blogspot.com/
You can borrow my stickynote, Marq. It says, “You are irrationally depressed. Doing anything about it would be, by definition, irrational.” It’s helped for the last three years of substandard medication, if you can imagine.
Anyway, if you off yourself, Sadly, No! will be that much closer to suck. Your presence helps tip the balance away from “infested with trolls” to “Sure, there’s trolls, but that’s not the point.”
(This view might conflict with the troll-baiting mission statement of Sadly, No! but I don’t care. Trolls annoy me.)

Would some cranes help? Send me your address (hdsidhe at gmail), and, um, then wait a couple weeks until I can get to the post office. (My partner left for Hawaii today, I don’t drive, and I’m too lazy to bother with the busses with boxes.)
Yes, I’m serious. I don’t know why I always have to tell people that, but I do.
Marq – I’ve found that medication helps lift the Cloud o’ Gloom ™ just far enough so I can really enjoy being depressed. Like now – I’m unemployed, eating pizza I can’t afford to buy and drinking beer that I shouldn’t be drinking what with my meds and all at 3 AM – and I don’t give a flying f**k! oh, and listening to a nice steady rain, one of my favorite things. So you see, it’s not all suicidal thoughts and self-loathing.
D. Sidhe – that saying is going on my fridge.
Thanx, Annti and D. Sidhe. I appreciate the good thoughts. I don’t think I’m in any great danger of snuffing myself right now, but I am going through some pretty astonishing mood swings. and if you bottom out and try (with any degree of competence), well, that’s it. Game over, man. And my plan is really well thought out. It’s really very “good” and foolproof. And, most importantly, once it’s put into action, there’s no way in hell anyone could stop it… not even me. So, obviously, it’s not something I could do as a “cry for help” or anysuch. I’d post it, but it’s really pretty bleak and depressing, and I don’t think many of us here need any additional depressing. So, I’ll skip the details for now, suffice to say that it’s as close to 100% effective as I could think of, and I’ve been plotting this for years at this point. Assuming I could manage to do a couple of things, it’s practically guaranteed to work.
As it stands, I’m planning on sticking around through my birthday next month since it’s a “powers of eleven” one, and I irrationally enjoy those for some reason. Then, I wanna do my usual New Year’s Eve celebration, featuring me and the best bottle of champagne I can scrape money up for. I lurves me the bubbly, oh yes. After that, things become a bit more nebulous, though I kindawanna see the rest of “Lost” and “Spider-man 3,” which brings us up to May. By then, I’m sure there’ll be something new I’m looking forward to. And, as I said, perhaps the therapists can get me to talk myself out of this, though I suppose they can’t accomplish much if I don’t set up the initial appointment. Feh.
Oh, and scott, thanks for the lovely offer! Though it seems to be a gratis offer, I simply must pay for it–you and Shari worked hard on that tome, and i just wouldn’t feel right just taking one. If you insist, I shall have to buy maybe a couple via your Amazon link (so you get that extra pittance) to use a fine gifts this holiday Christmas season.
In any event, I’ve been hovering here since about 8pm, and I need to get up at 9am for anti-neuropathy meds (fun!), so I gotta log off and go to sleep. G’night, everyone!

Dear Marq, I know that place very, very well having experienced it from, as one might say, both sides of the couch. Buffalo Gal is spot on about meds – no pill makes the world right again, but they can help you cope with it. I take Effexor and find that it works well for me, but they are developing new meds all the time, and everyone is different. And finding the right therapist can take some exhaustive searching but is worth it. Oh, and I think those cranes sound wonderful! Here’s wishing you all the best, Marq, and much love, BTW.
Marq,
I do insist. I’m just like that; it’s my stubborn side, I get it from my father. Please email me your address.
Marq,
Obey the Scott! Send him your email address NOW! See, we are hoping to use your testimonial to the healing effects of our book as part of our marketing plan for when we take the book to a major publisher. (Marq says: “I thought that the world was a dark, bleak place until I read ‘Better Living Through Bad Moves,’ with its summaries of horrible movies such as ‘Water World’ and ‘Red Dawn.’ Now I realize that there is good in everyone and everthing, and each day I wake up with a smile on my face and the goal of punching out Kevin Costner.”
Seriously, we really hope that you get feeling better. You’ve had some good advice from the commenters here. I don’t have any to add, but I would like to say that you MUST stick around for your birthday, because I know that Ann Coulter is planning on giving you an especially lovely photo of herself for the occasion.
Well, I got a bag fulla anti-depressant samples today, a whole month’s supply, not too shabby (hi, Buffalo Gal!). Sadly, this is the second try already–the first ones had bad side effects or drug interaction (I practically don’t eat food anymore). So, hopefully this new stuff will deign to let me walk, ‘cos that other stuff was questionable in that regard.
I also just remembered something in the future that I kinda want to attend (assuming I can afford tickets–which I should–I get a wee bit of “mad money” toward the beginning of the year, and yes, that is another reason to live). They’re holding Yearly Kos ’07 practically in my back yard! So, I can commute and not concern myself with hotel expenses. Sadly, this means no liquor! Drat. Well, if I get drunk, I’l probably wind up hitting on our Grand Overlord and Poobah, Kos, and that’d be darned embarrassing. Especially if his wife’s around.
Hey–if I go, maybe I could be the not-exactly-live correspondent for WO’C or Sadly, Nein! And, I mean “not-exactly-live” as in I don’t own a laptop; that weren’t a suicide reference. Feh, S,N! will probably get Dan Someone to report for them, with his superior writing and joke-crafting skills. Damn his eyes (with me, as the late Marty Feldman said, “Too late!”)!
I need some larfs. I should go see “Borat,” except I doubt that will make me think any better of my fellow Americans.
Thanks, everyone, and an e-mail headed your way later tonight, scott.

It probably won’t cheer you up, but it took me two years and more than ten meds and med combinations to find antidepressants that worked, and it’s still not great, but at the moment okay enough to not make me want to go see a shrink to get it fixed. I loathe shrinks and am just trying to talk my neurologist into Cymbalta for the migraines (and not incidentally the depression).
The no booze thing is important, most antidepressants can damage your liver anyway, and apparently booze just makes it worse.
Good luck with it, Marq, and remember it takes a few weeks to start working, so no Vince Foster shit, okay?
In Defense Of Shrinks: After 25 years in the business, I am fully cognizant of how many really bad mental health workers (psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers, therapists, counselors, etc. ad nauseum) are out there and I also know how bad the bad ones can be. But two things to remember are 1) there are also many really good ones, and some very good ones who do wonderful work; and 2) even some of the bad ones manage to help people sometimes. That point #2 took me awhile to figure out. When I was new to the business, I was quite the purist and tended to be impressed/disdainful about where someone studied or what methods they used. It didn’t take too long, thankfully, to knock me off my high horse. Because the essence of psychotherapy is interpersonal, the key is to find someone you can feel comfortable relating to, someone to trust. Not an easy task, I know, but it’s worth it.
SZ,
I really love the fact that you are so kind and caring to the little babies out there :) I used to volunteer at an animal shelter, but I had to quit after a week because I kept bringing everything home. It was really shocking how people just throw their animals away like they are garbage. I couldn’t imagine this world without my kitties and puppies, they’re all so unique and I’m glad I got the chance to give them the love they deserve. :) Thanks again for all you do!!!
Woot‽ I knew there was a reason I should read the fine-print on the anti-deoressant package!!1! Damnit, alcohol is one of the few reasons I have left to live!1!! Not the hangovers, mind you, but the alcohol. Damn, damn, damn!!
Coming in kinda late, but I’ll suggest a name for the kitten: Godwin (a real conversation stopper).

Have a Coke and a Heil

According to a piece in The Boston Herald, the first shot in the Annual War Against Christmas has been fired across the bows of Wal*Mart, and the brobdignagian general merchandiser has struck its colors like a Velveeta-eating surrender monkey:
Wal-Mart is rolling back its avoidance of all things “Christmas” to once again shout out the word some competitors have watered down to “holiday.”

“I think we learned a lesson last year,” Wal-Mart spokesman Steven Restivo said. “We listened to our customers. There’s a call to return to a core Merry Christmas message. We’re proud to say Christmas is back at Wal-Mart this year.”
A “core Merry Christmas message.”  Well, this either means that Karl Rove, despite having taken a shellacking in Tuesday’s election, has sold Wal*Mart on the genius of his base-focused marketing approach, or else the gigantic retailer has ditched it mission statement and big box locations, and will now operate exclusively out of abandoned storefronts in malls, selling Christmas decorations and thematically-related gimcrackery between November 1st and December 25th, before vanishing, Brigadoon-like, on New Years Eve.
The Arkansas-based retail giant with mom-and-pop-store appeal announced yesterday it has replaced its Holiday Shops with Christmas Shops. Wal-Mart will feature “Days ’Til Christmas” countdowns. The Salvation Army will be its charitable partner.
Emphasis mine.  For some reason, this phrase makes me think that the author of the article, Laurel J. Sweet, wrote it near deadline, with a can on Redbull on one side of her keyboard and a Wal*Mart press release on the other.
Wal-Mart needn’t fear it will receive a lump of coal in its stocking or see its 44 Bay State stores picketed by the Coalition to Save Christmas in Massachusetts.
Yes, when a bully has you down on the ground in a headlock and is punching you in the face, he’ll usually stop once you give up your lunch money, if only to conserve his strength for the impending War on Easter.
“It’s starting to feel like ‘Miracle on 34th Street,’ ” said Lynnfield developer Robert Marley, who started the coalition this week with his brother, Kevin, and friends.
With a name like Marley, you’d think it would be feeling more like A Christmas Carol.   However, if this is the kind of thing he and his brother do when they get together with their friends, all I can say is, somebody needs to buy this group some Dockers and a case of Lowenbrau.
Marley said he has received e-mails of support from as far away as California and the Middle East.
That’s nice.  Enjoy the warm glow of recognition while it lasts, Mr. Marley.  Because even as we speak, Bill O’Reilly and John Gibson are racing each other to the nearest camera to claim credit for Wal*Mart’s capitulation.
“You want our money? Then recognize why you’re taking it,” he said.
Because you’re rapacious, slave labor-enabling bastards who lay waste to American small businesses like the gigantic reaper in a Black Plague-era woodcut and whose collective social conscience makes Cornelius Vanderbilt look like Warren Buffet?
Or was that a rhetorical question?
“But, why does a bum like me have to stand up and get this done? Where are our religious leaders?”
They’re out getting a massage at the moment, Bob.  Any other scheduling issues I can help you with?

26 Responses to “Have a Coke and a Heil”

[...] World-O-Crap [...]
..Do these guys see [i]Scrooge[/i] and the lesson they take away is that he didn’t put up enough Merry Christmas banners? Or what?
Nothing says “The Messiah is come” quite so well as buying overpackaged products built by undernourished teenage girls who are forced to live in conditions cows and asses wouldn’t put up with and who are beaten, raped, and then forced to have abortions to keep their indentured servitude. Hallelujah.
Hey, does this mean the Christmas Warriors can split up and half of them can start pounding soapboxes about the commercialization of a holy day?
“mom-and-pop store appeal”?? Gimme a break! While I throw up…
Coalition to Save Christmas in Massachusetts
Holy crap, we have a Coalition to Save Christmas? In Massachusetts, the Gay State?!! Wow, this is serious!
Robert Marley, who started the coalition this week with his brother, Kevin, and friends
Ah, nevermind.
They’re out getting a massage at the moment, Bob.
Now that’s funny, Scott.
And I share tigrismus’s surprise – you’d think Massachusetts would have a Coalition to Save Ramadan, or Kwanza, or Earth Day.
Say, where do I nominate an Ultimate Wingnut around here? I got a good one… [dumps burlap sack on counter, out spills loopy wingnut]
“Let the Dems Bury the Dems
Regardless of what happens today, it shouldn’t greatly affect the spiritual equilibrium of the Superior Man, whose invisible combat will continue unabated. Indeed, this is what distinguishes us from the agitated multitude of horizontal men who locate their salvation in politics. To witness the fevered excitement of a crass and loudmouthed vulgarian such as Chris Matthews or the adamantine darkness visible of a Keith Olbermann and the kos-bags for whom he shrieks is to see the human pig in all its naked horizontal glory.”
Yeah, it’s all Doug Giles on mescaline like that.
Oh, and Academic A-Hole is definitely this guy’s category.
“Because you’re rapacious, slave labor-enabling bastards who lay waste to American small businesses like the gigantic reaper in a Black Plague-era woodcut and whose collective social conscience makes Cornelius Vanderbilt look like Warren Buffet?”
As unreliable and flake-off as I’ve been lately (okay, for the past YEAR), please never forget that I absofuckinglutely adore the way that you write, Scott. And that I’m deeply jealous of the above line and would steal it if I thought that I had a chance of getting away with it.
~~~
BLOG-WHORING ALERT:
I’m doing another blog telethon.
One of the best people that I know has a brain tumor that’s going to kill her in a matter of weeks. We’ve lined-up surgeons who will donate their services, but still need an assload of money for the hospital, the rehab, you name it.
And don’t worry, those of you who tried to help me get a front tooth, I won’t be managing the money or fucking it up. Hopefully, the same generosity that so many of you shared with the Katrina evacuees will kick in, and we will be able to help save this young woman’s life.
No shit.
At least give it a look. Please.
We don’t have her bank account or PayPal account set up yet (soon!), but please at least go read what we’ve got thus far.
Sorry to take up your comment space with this, Sheri & Scott, but as you know, this is a very pressing issue.
And I wanted to get the word out before the Xmas Shopping Orgy/Debtus Maximus commercial materialism fits kick-in, so if you’ve got ten or twenty bucks to spare, please think about my friend Lee.
Thank you all. For everything. If it weren’t for my blog family, I don’t know where I’d be by now, but it wouldn’t be good.
(Especially Sheri, Scott, and D.Sidhe, who sent the most amazing get-well present that I’ve ever seen in my life.)
http://forleola.blogspot.com/
To Anntichrist s. Coulter; I’ve bookmarked your site, and will send you some money when the Paypal account is set up.
Jeebus. Lynfield? MA? Oy. That’s much, much too close for comfort. How embarassing. And here I was feeling so smug about living in the bluest state of all… Maybe not so much.
” ‘It’s starting to feel like ‘Miracle on 34th Street,’ ” said Lynnfield developer Robert Marley’
Wait, I thought that “Marley was dead, to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that.”
Can’t these bozos keep their cliche-ridden Christmas stories straight. Oh wait, maybe they meant Bob Marley. Still “Marley was dead, to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that.”
Nothin’ beats the smell of cynical faux-capitulation to an artificial groundswell of manufactured opinion first thing in the morning, does it?
Rafe, I was worried until I saw it was some guy, his brother, and probably a couple drinking buddies. I’m guessing they started it just after the Pats-Colts game, while drinking deeply the cheap-ass beer of regret. Plus, it’s Walmart. If they get Whole Foods, Costco or, theological construct forbid, BJ’s, then I’ll worry.
Maybe they can whittle Santa some teeth.
Wait, wait, wait. There are 44 Wally World Mega Super Gianormo Warehouse locations in MA‽ Jeebus! Is there a single inch of that fairly tiny state that isn’t occupied by one of those monstrosities? Are all you chowdah-swilling Red Sox fans out there actually living in Wally World, or in a RV out in the parking lot? Cripes, talk about a weapon of Mass. destruction!
to tigismus ur an idiot these men are my uncles you idiot they have quit drinking a long time ago get some facts straight before you run your idiot mouth all around the web your a real ignorent person
no dude i’m just kidding i just thought your name was weird so i wanted to make you feel bad no offense though
well anyway i live in california and a group like this tried to do the same thing but they failed horribly maybe these people will do the same who knows
To all you cool-aid drinking secular progressives, I can understand your disappointment, you fought so long and so hard, notwithstanding, we have unraveled in weeks what it has taken years for you to achieve. When we are finished with the stores, the schools are next.
To all a good night and Merry Christmas
One more thing, we will be on the Fox News Network tomorrow asking all Christians to crusade with us and knock the seculars’ back into corn-“flake” land where they came from.
Again, Merry Christmas to all
There is strength in numbers, oh some 85% of this population is Christian. 95% of the population celebrates Christmas and the last poll I checked, 78% of the people said they would not shop in stores that don’t use the words Merry Christmas, that is a countrywide poll by the way. After all, it is Christmas and not the holidayssss.
Merry Christmas to you and yours
Oh! He’ SO CUTE! He actually BELIEVES there is a war on Christmas, and he’s talking about the schools, next.
Hey, Bob–check out my public school–we do Secret Service Santa (the Secret Service and local law enforcement band together to bring yuletide greetings and fun–and defeat the Grinch–at our school every year!) and be sure to enjoy our Holiday Program where CHRISTMAS CAROLS are sung with joy and a reenactment of the traditional La Posada is performed every year.
War On Christmas? In Liberal Los Angeles?! I don’t THINK so.
Buh Bye. Now. Happy 27 shopping days till Christmas!
Bobby,
Whaddaya say to a REAL war on Christmas? How about you and your buddies put your families into the red by filling your Lynnfield manse with plastic junk, and everyone on the left never shops a big box or a fast food joint again? We will crash this economy, and you’ll be wishing you hadn’t run up those credit cards, eh?
-WOX (Wakefield, MA)
http://www.stopxmas.com
Bobby, should you be here spreading your genius? When Namco is selling holiday trees and Kohl’s is seeling SATANTIC holiday trees? What kind of general of stupidity are you, anyway? There’s a war on, soldier! Happy Holidays!