Chips Off the Old Blockhead

While we weren’t paying them any attention, the Bush twins (Jenna and Gob), turned 25.
To mark the occasion, the girls got robbed, got drunk (we’re just guessing about this one, but it explains a lot), and may or may not have been asked to leave the country.  (Another country, that is.)

Here’s the gist of the report:

Amid a growing barrage of front-page headlines, U.S. embassy officials “strongly suggested” President Bush’s twin daughters, Jenna and Barbara Bush, cut short their trip to Buenos Aires because of security issues, U.S. diplomatic and security sources tell ABC News.
But the girls have stayed on, celebrating their 25th birthday over the weekend and producing even more headlines about their activities.
Officials say the media coverage upstaged publicity plans for the new U.S. Ambassador Anthony Wayne, who had only recently arrived in the country.
Neither the White House nor the U.S. embassy in Buenos Aires responded to requests for comment.
The Argentinean press blitz followed a report on “The Blotter” last week that Barbara Bush’s purse and cell phone were stolen last weekend while dining at the popular San Telmo outdoor marketplace despite being guarded by the Secret Service.
Stories of the twins’ visit took on wild proportions in the Argentinean press. One tabloid headline had the young women running nude in the hallway of their hotel, a report the hotel staff denied to ABC News.

But watch for the documentary “Presidential Girls Gone Wild,” which will soon be available wherever skanky videos are sold.

According to sources, the U.S. embassy encouraged the two girls to cut their stay short because the added attention was making their security very difficult.
But to the dismay and anger of some U.S. embassy and security staff, the girls stayed on.
Thursday night, an ABC News producer was able to walk into their hotel unchecked and engage Barbara Bush in conversation while she checked her e-mail on a computer in the lobby.

A truly enterprising reporter would have told us what kind of e-mail Barbara gets. But since ABC news fell down on the job, here’s our recreation of the subjects of the contents of Barbara’s inbox:

URGENT REPLY NEEDED: Help Me Claim Billions in Argentine Nazi Gold, and You Can Keep a Third of It
Re: My Secret Service Agent is Such a Dork!
Re: Where Do You Get a Drink in This Town?

We’re sure you can think of some others.
But back to the story:

Jenna sat talking with friends on a sofa nearby. No Secret Service agents were anywhere to be seen in the lobby, according to ABC News’ Joe Goldman.

And yesterday the Bush twins were spotted at the Sunday soccer matches, wearing team jerseys and sitting in the owner’s box, watching Argentina’s top team Boca Juniors compete. Several games have been canceled due to violence in the crowds this year. In fact, last weekend no spectators were allowed to attend the match other than season ticket holders.

Reports indicating that Grandma Bar suggested that the twins visit Argentina without Secret Service agents so they could watch a soccer match there with with that nice Diego Maradona, are probably unfounded, since although the girls have been an embarrassment to the family, Bar would have no family left if she started eliminating people for that reason.

Sources tell ABC News the twins plan to stick to their original itinerary and stay in Buenos Aires until Thursday. 

But wait, there’s more! It seems that the embassy has denied declaring the girls persona non grata, and buying them one-way tickets to Peru.

The U.S. Embassy in Argentina rejected reports that it had told President George W. Bush’s twin daughters to leave the country after a widely publicized purse-snatching incident. [...]
ABC News reported on its Web site Argentine officials confirmed last week that one of Bush’s daughters had her purse stolen in San Telmo, a neighborhood popular with tourists. The incident led to teasing by Argentine media about the twins’ seemingly ineffective Secret Service bodyguards.
“We have seen a report from news sources stating that embassy officials strongly suggested that President Bush’s daughters curtail their visit in Argentina,” the U.S. Embassy said in a written statement. “This is false.

“The embassy welcomes the visit and has provided close support and cooperation,” the statement read.

Translation: “We LOVE having the President’s wild, uncooperative, hard-living daughters here, creating international good will and enhancing American prestige by ditching their guards, getting mugged, and having wild parties in their hotel.  And we especially enjoy the fact that this all occurred under our auspices. We only hope that brother Neil and Jeb’s brood show up here for Christmas.”

Posted by s.z. on Tuesday, November 28th, 2006 at 2:40 am.

Look, I know they’re bimbos, and I know they’re still well within Daddy’s “young and irresponsible” grace period, and I accept that they should be allowed to do more or less the same things normal young people do without being singled out for it because of who their father is (though don’t argue with me about the ambivalence of that–because I’m perfectly willing to change my mind on it. Children of privilege get way more breaks and should have correspondingly more expected of them–this kind of slack is why the jackass who is our current president never bothered to grow up, in the shelter of Poppy’s wealth and power and friends he never had to), but nonetheless, I think at a bare minimum they need to be expected to not cause diplomatic incidents.
Sure, it’s terribly unfair and all, seeing as how other moronic kids can get drunk in foreign countries without causing a diplomatic incident, but on the other hand, other moronic kids don’t require or expect, much less get, taxpayer dollars from the country they’re vacationing in spent on their defense from assorted muggers and footpads.
Has no one ever, seriously, sat these idiots down and explained that when abroad, they are ambassadors for their country? Because they fucking *are*. In ways far more concrete than any of the rest of us would be abroad. Why the hell don’t they know this? I’m not going to ask why their father didn’t explain this to them, because obviously he doesn’t get it either. But fucking *somebody* should have.
Meanwhile, let’s guess what Dubya’s response to this was. “Where do those little foreign people get off, telling my American daughters where they can go and what they can do? We’re Americans, dammit, and we’ll go where we want to! And they can shut the fuck up and be grateful we’re even spending money in their pissant little country!”
(Truthfully, I would expect him to use a racial slur in place of “foreigners”, but even putting myself that close to whatever passes for the man’s thought process made me ill.)
And no one will bother to stand up to him and explain that hey, dipshit, you’re the fucking President. They are your fucking children. When the president and his family are rude to foreign states, it is not the same thing as calling a reporter a major asshole. It is serious, and it is something you don’t do, because the ramifications can include far more serious things than snarky headlines in the tabloids.
But then, I still am amazed, even after six years of this crap, and Neil and Marvin’s antics before this, that anyone would *have* to say this. They are a political dynasty. Why the hell don’t they *know* this stuff? The kid down the street knows it, and he was raised in a two room apartment and will very likely never leave the country. But I suppose that’s the answer. If the kid down the street declined to leave a country upon its request because his presence was putting strain on its limited resources, he would not be treated with kid gloves by their government nor rescued by ours.
It’s the entitlement of the bullying classes. You can sexually harrass at will, you can engage in racist behavior, you can haze, you can cheat, because no one has the power to challenge you. And the best part is, you don’t even necessarily have to know that you’re doing any of that. It’s just fun and games to you, or worse, business as usual, because you are so insulated from any consequences you don’t even know there *are* consequences.
In fact, if anyone *does* call you on it, you get to be outraged that someone is being rude to you.
Honest to god, I don’t know if the arrogance or the ignorance disgusts me more. I simply can’t be in the same room with people who voted for that man. There’s no way for me to regard them anymore as anything other than selfish, shallow, meanminded, stupid bigots.
I apologize for the rant, but this shit makes me so angry. They can’t even pretend that appearances matter while they fuck up the world, which is the bare minimum I used to expect of them, some vague, gasping, tiny whisper of recognition that what they wanted to do was base and immoral. They won’t even bother with that anymore. After all, why should they? Who’s going to make them? Who even could?

Left by D. Sidhe on November 28th, 2006

“Sources tell ABC News the twins plan to stick to their original itinerary and stay in Buenos Aires until Thursday.”
Stay the course. In fact, to even have a timetable for withdrawal is a mistake. They need to stay in Venezuela until the job is done. As Argentinian trust-fund, spoiled brats stand up, American trust-fund spoiled brats can stand down. Plutocracy is on the march.

Left by tomg on November 28th, 2006

So…those disadvantaged but hopeful charter school children in DC are, what? teaching themselves for a couple weeks?
I’m with D. They’re rant worthy. I’m still willing to rant about the Chuy’s Incident, not so much about the fake ID (though I think that’s a lot more serious than it was treated) but about tuning in Jeff Greenfield and listening to four white guys agree that “everybody did it”, meaning every underaged white guy in their frat. Catch a poor street kid with fake ID and he’s not gonna be handed a ticket with an appearance date on it.
In retrospect, of course, we were right, just as we knew at the time: this isn’t about nose-thumbing behavior. It’s about cossetted, old-money party girls, and what that should have told us about their parents nearly seven years ago, at a time when “The party of personal responsibility!” and “The grownups are in charge!” were still ringing from the inaugural. The Twins are free to do as they please; the rest of us are free to call them on it. Look where the eager willingness to spread or overlook any amount of bullshit in exchange for a dollar has gotten us in just a few short years.
“They never asked to be celebrities?” Please. I’m guessing neither one has ever turned down an opportunity to cash in on their celebrity status, either.

Left by Doghouse Riley on November 28th, 2006

They strike me as just a couple of dead enders whose youthful indulgences are in the last throes.

Left by Matt-Man on November 28th, 2006

These two have been sitting on my Piss Me Off Button for a long, long time. They almost, but not quite, make me hanker for doting presidential daughters like Julie Nixon Eisenhower.
And now a story from inside the Beltway. These recent Bush twin tales prompted a friend to remark that some ten years ago, her daughter took a teen tour of Europe. One of the girls in the tour group had no interest whatsoever in the historic sights she was intended to see, but spent the entire trip in bed with some guy or another.
When the woman’s daughter told her the story, she concluded, “Her father is the governor of Texas, whoever that is.”
For the record, the twin involved was Jenna, not Not-Jenna.

Left by Mrs. Tarquin Biscuitbarrel on November 28th, 2006

It would seem Dubya can now write that book, the one that goes on the shelf next to Frist’s: Assholes beget assholes

Left by heydave on November 28th, 2006

tomg, that was a winner.

Left by D. Sidhe on November 28th, 2006

My plan was to riff on the stay-the-course thang if nobody had already done so, and if they had, Plan B was to point out the overwhelming obviousness of riffing on the stay-the-course thang and leave the impression that I would never stoop to such a slapstick level of snark. But then I decided that smelled of Rovian tactics, and I’d like to maintain what little reputation and dignity I had before I got here. So carry on…
mikey

Left by mikey on November 28th, 2006

“Plan B,” mikey? We have to watch out for using that… that phrase in normal discourse these days. Unless, of course, you want to be known as a Non-Aider and Abetter of Potential Blastocytes!
Caveat!

Left by Mrs. Tarquin Biscuitbarrel on November 28th, 2006

It’s about cossetted, old-money party girls, and what that should have told us about their parents nearly seven years ago, at a time when “The party of personal responsibility!” and “The grownups are in charge!” were still ringing from the inaugural.
Ahem…
From wikipedia, re Chelsea Clinton:
“Chelsea graduated from Stanford University with a degree in history, with highest honors in 2001; her undergraduate thesis was on her father’s mediation of the 1998 Northern Ireland peace agreement. She went on to earn a Master’s degree at University College, Oxford University in international relations.
In 2003, she joined the consulting firm McKinsey & Company in New York City, reportedly earning a six-figure salary.
More recently in November 2006 it was announced that Chelsea Clinton has joined Avenue Capital Group, a $12 billion hedge fund manager.”
Speaking of grownups… BTW, Ms. Clinton is 26, only 1 year older than the twins and infinitely more grown-up.

Left by RobW on November 28th, 2006

Why expect the twins to be adults. It’s not like they had an adult role model at home.

Left by Woodrowfan on November 28th, 2006

They’re 25 years old and everybody still calls them “girls” – and it fits. Mind you, I have to continually remind myself that their father is 60.
But Chelsea Clinton is ugly. Rush told me.

Left by Mentis Fugit on November 28th, 2006

As much as criticism of all things Bush is normally deserved, I think the daughters are getting a bum rap here. They were doing precisely the things that good US ambassadors should do in Argentina. a) They went to San Telmo rather than Recoleta for their open-air dining. San Telmo is admittedly touristy, but it’s also on the “wrong” side of downtown, and is a real eclectic mix of rich and poor, steeped in Argentine tradition. Getting robbed there is an experience likely to endear them to porteños who know the experience. b) they went to see Boca Juniors play, not River Plate. True, in recent years Boca has yuppified itself, but again this is the traditional mass-appeal team, the team of the poor, and also steeped in tradition. c) the partying in general is a great way to build rapport with the locals, who start their nightlife at Midnight and go till dawn.
Good for them. I think it’s the embassy and secret service people who need to get the stick out of their butt.

Left by the exile on November 30th, 2006

Aren’t the Twins getting a little, um, long-in-the-tooth to be considered the “virginal debutants” that teh Chimp-In-Chief seems to expect them to be treated as? It would be funny if it weren’t so disturbing. BTW, kudos, as always, to D. Sidhe for a marvelous comment (the longish one). Very well-put, madame. Oh, and plus I laughed. A twofer!

Left by Marq on December 6th, 2006

So, You Want Pathetic Kitten Photos?

Okay, here is pound kitten Bob. Unfortunately, he was born with only half a tail, half a Hitler mustache, and half of an evil Spock goatee. However, if you buy your Amazon stuff by clicking through the Wo’C portal, we can buy Bob the rest of his mustache. Won’t you help Bob to achieve his full evil potential?

Here is Bob with Kit, one of the orphan kittens I handraised. Both are hungry and waiting to be fed, since they haven’t eaten anything since that chicken they stole off the cabinent a couple of hours ago. For just clicks a day, you can help to fill these bottomless pits. Won’t you please help?

And here is Ziggy, one of the semi-feral kittens from last year.  As you can see, he isn’t a cute little kitten anymore, but he still believes he matters.  Here he is, doing his audition for “Death of a Salescat.”    “Attention — attention must be finally paid to such a cat,” he insists.  He would also like to be fed.  So, if you can find it in your heart to give him a few clicks, then maybe he won’t rip your throat out.  (Seriously, he is the sweetest cat in the whole world, and would never rip out anyone’s throat — that job would go to Flossie, the Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, who would probably then share your juicy innards with the others.)

 So, I hope this has satifisfied your kitten lust.  If not, we’ll post photos of more of the brood later this week . . .  

Posted by s.z. on Tuesday, November 28th, 2006 at 12:49 am.

Kitties!
Can you make the pictures bigger?

Left by melior on November 28th, 2006

Melior, I just tried (I HATE this stupid software). Anyway, I ended up just stretching the photos, which may make them kind of grainy and distorted (or maybe it’s just the cats who are grainy and distorted). I asked Scott to fix them, and hopefully he can suceed where I failed.

Left by s.z. on November 28th, 2006

Oh, man. Those are adorable. Um, if I order just my regular stuff from amazon through your link, do you A) still get credit for that and B) get to see that I bought a used copy of UFOs For Dummies and a subscription to Juggs* and mock me for it?
(* Not really. I paid serious bucks to get rid of a pair, I’m hardly paying more to see some. The UFO thing, no comment.)

Left by D. Sidhe on November 28th, 2006

Yes! More kitties! My kitten lust shall never be sated!

Left by Buffalo Gal on November 28th, 2006

Yes, I’m afraid that, like Buffalo Gal, my lust for pet pix is also bottomless, like their little tummies. If we promise to click, will you provide MORE, MORE, MORE?

Left by BeginningToWonder on November 28th, 2006

D,
Yes, if you enter Amazon through our portal (either the link to the book, or through the Shop Parole link) and then navigate to what you want to buy, a percentage of Amazon’s earnings will go to prop up the Wo’C Home for The Professionally Cute.

Left by scott on November 28th, 2006

I have it on good authority from Bob that the dry cat food is tasty.

Left by TC on November 28th, 2006

how about if y’all just put a paypal link so we can throw some spare change directly to the kitty/computer fund?

Left by preznit giv me turkee on November 28th, 2006

Thank you! Bob does look like a future Master of the Universe. And possibly a future 18-pounder.
PS. We like *dog* pictures, too. Just ask Ntodd.

Left by Ivytree on November 28th, 2006

Won’t you help Bob to achieve his full evil potential?
I think that face looks more like, “How could you ever think I could knock over that vase. I am completely blameless and innocent.”
If Bob is in fact evil, he’s the last one anyone would suspect.

Left by ronin on November 29th, 2006

Thanks for the pics! Bob looks … mezmerized. Probably by anything at all. And cute cute.
Now I am confused, as I thought I was paying attention, but we have Kit (handraised orphan) and Ziggy (semi-feral)…these are distinct incidences? I remember the two semiferal ones, but Kit came later?
Oh well just please keep the pics coming, love that even better than the world-class snark.

Left by LACJ on November 29th, 2006

Well, okay. If origami paper turns up on the weird “Here’s what nutbars like you bought” list, that’s my fault. Man, if you guys could get kickbacks from Kim’s Crane, you’d make out like bandits.

Left by D. Sidhe on November 29th, 2006

we have Kit (handraised orphan) and Ziggy (semi-feral)…these are distinct incidences?
I took in the semi-feral kittens (Tibby and Zigra, AKA Ziggie) last November, and after a period of adjustment, they became such wonderful cats that they inspired me to try some further pet rescue operations. Thus, this summer I took in their pregnant teenage sister, who had her kittens and then promptly escaped through a ceiling vent, leaving me with four 4-day-old kittens. I bottle fed them until they were weaned (let me tell you, motherhood is HARD), and ended up keeping the two boys, Bix and Torgo Kitten (AKA Kit). And you know about Bob and Oliver Twist, the latest two acquisitions, picked up the day before they were to be put to sleep at the pound.
It’s definitely a lot of cats, but right now Bob is sleeping on my lap, and I can see Jet Jaguar sleeping in the sun, and it’s all worth the fortune I spend at PetSmart every month.

Left by s.z. on November 29th, 2006

Well, okay. If origami paper turns up on the weird “Here’s what nutbars like you bought” list, that’s my fault.
Aw, thanks a million, D. Sidhe! We really appreciate your help, and think you’re the BEST PERSON EVER! (And we promise to never tell anyone that it was you who bought the origami paper.)

Left by s.z. on November 29th, 2006

Heh. D. Sidhe’s origami changed my life, and has done such wonders for Lee & Susan, I can’t WAIT to post pictures of when they finish the whole new bedroom that Susan is adding onto her house for Lee, ’cause Susan’s going to hang every last little birdy from the ceiling!
(BTW, check yer snail-mail, D.)
Now, S.Z.: As you know, I’ve got the End-Of-The-Month-Broke-Ass-Mofo-Blues, so I prolly won’t be able to contribute to the Kitten Rescue Mission in time for x-mas or any other made-up holidays in the near future, BUT — as soon as we get Lee’s brain tumor fixed and got her into physical rehab & get her SSD benefits straight & operable again, here’s what I will do:
I’m going to set up a fund-raiser/blogathon for people to send you PetSmart gift cards. I’ve got several photos of your kitties saved from over the years, and will prolly be looking for more as you continue to collect (and one of these days, I’m going to the Archie McPhee website & order you that “Crazy Cat Lady” action figure!!!) kitties, and I’m gonna slap ‘em up all over my blog and any other blogs who’ll let me assault them with multiple mass-mailings.
You and the kitties and the yippie little dog are definitely next on the list.
And since this hick-ass town only SHOOTS cats, whereas they keep a DOG pound at the parish jail, I am one of the few crazy cat ladies who feed our dozens of feral cats in town out of my own pocket, ’cause you can get canned cat food really cheap in any hick town where 1/3 of the residents are on disability and/or welfare & food stamps. Connection, y’think?
So the skittish, gorgeous little balls of fluff who hover around Le Hotel du Fucktards (where I live, in other words) must surely be sending karmic thank-you waves to you, across the miles, for doing so much, always, to help/save so many of their kitty cousins.
So remember — soon as we get Lee cured, YOU’RE NEXT on the Annti’s Emergency Charity Drive List.
Love y’all.

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on November 30th, 2006

Well, He Might Be Right About Condi

Shorter Mark Steyn: “We are going to lose this war on terror because: (a) Episcopalian women don’t have as many babies as suicide bombers do; (b), because Scarlett Johansson is a slut who won’t have my babies; and (c) because Condi Rice is an idiot. So, it’s all the damn women’s fault!”

P.S. Today we learned (via Mark’s snippy comments to Mr. Hindrocket about a Ralph Peters column which contradicted Mark’s assertions) that Mark does NOT like being referred to as “pop pundit” (or a “rash”). So, we invite you to come up with a better descriptor for him. (I previously had referred to him as a “smug Canadian bastard,” but I received complaints from other smug Canadian bastards who didn’t want him lumped in with them.) So, what DO we call him?

Posted by s.z. on Monday, November 27th, 2006 at 4:07 am.

How about “Overpaid Nincompoop”?
(If he’s paid at all for what he writes, then he’s overpaid.)

Left by Bill S on November 27th, 2006

Or “dumber than a bag of hammers”.
Or “bag of hamsters”, now that I think about it.

Left by Bill S on November 27th, 2006

I think I just insulted hammers and hamsters with the above comment.

Left by Bill S on November 27th, 2006

I call him a “MSM hack” (the worst swear ever in the wingnut world) because although Mark pretends to be a Keyboard Warrior, he’s really a mere mainstream news columnist.

Left by Jane Finch on November 27th, 2006

“The poor man’s David Frum”?

Left by D. Sidhe on November 27th, 2006

I like to think of him as “The Slowest MacKenzie Brother”, eh?

Left by Charlotte Smith on November 27th, 2006

because Scarlett Johansson is a slut who won’t have my babies
I told him he could have sloppy seconds after the Knicks were done, but apparently that wasn’t good enough for The Spotted Dick…

Left by actor212 on November 27th, 2006

What rhymes with “pop pundit”?
All I come up with is “popped zit”…

Left by actor212 on November 27th, 2006

If “sex education” is about knowing which concrete condom is less likely to disintegrate during the livelier forms of penetrative intercourse
WTF? Is this a catty remark about Scarlet, a scoff at the effectiveness of condoms, or does he regularly have a problem with condoms dissolving? (Hint: You should use water based lube. Vaseline dissolves latex. That’s some important sex ed)

Left by Hysterical Woman on November 27th, 2006

“angry Canadian hobbit”

Left by Jeff on November 27th, 2006

“concrete condom”
I think he just described himself.

Left by Spirula on November 27th, 2006

“Correspondent from the reality-challenged community.”

Left by The Dark Avenger on November 27th, 2006

Let’s get his name correct: Mark Stain

Left by heydave on November 27th, 2006

Mark “embarassing pundit” Steyn?

Left by Kathleen on November 27th, 2006

So far, Jeff’s nickname for Marky is the best.

Left by Bill S on November 27th, 2006

Worst : Of White SAfrican descent or phony SAfrican pretend-Canadian.
His family ran away to escape the horrors of democracy.
(Signed) A patriot in SA.

Left by suezboo on November 27th, 2006

I’m sorry. The above is apparently a foul calumny and I have him confused with someone else entirely. I apologise unreservedly.
He’s still an a**hole, tho.

Left by suezboo on November 27th, 2006

How about “The George Costanza of Print Media?”

Left by trashfire on November 27th, 2006

maybe something in elvish, like “he who is too nerdy for even a LOTR fanvention”

Left by Woodrowfan on November 27th, 2006

We could call him “Ultimate Wingnut,” if SZ would hurry up and get the competition together!

Left by Tara the anti-social social worker on November 27th, 2006

Well, as he called himself in his column, I would suggest that “sad middle-aged loser guy” works prety well. But I’ll also go with shithead which I think is closer to the mark ( hears groans in background, then cites James Joyce’s “there is high humor in low puns” in self defense).

Left by tomg on November 28th, 2006

“The less exciting Zap Rowsdower”?

Left by Meri on November 28th, 2006

For years now I’ve called him nothing at all, and it seems to work okay.

Left by Doghouse Riley on November 28th, 2006

Just don’t call him late for dinner.

Left by melior on November 28th, 2006

Le twit extrordanaire?

Left by Dick Durata on November 28th, 2006

A hoser, eh?

Left by Mrs. Tarquin Biscuitbarrel on November 28th, 2006

But may I point out that there is really nothing funny about Scarlett not having the babies of old white guys.
Like me.

Left by heydave on November 28th, 2006

True, heydave, due to the high rate of dandling-related myocardial infarction provoked in old white guys with trophy wives.
I liked “the poor man’s David Frum,” myself…

Left by Mrs. Tarquin Biscuitbarrel on November 28th, 2006

He should join the Navy. Then he could be Seaman St– oh, I see – it’s pronounced Stine.

Left by Mentis Fugit on November 28th, 2006

How about: “Mark Discharge” (no relation to Lucianne’s Discharge, aka Jonah Goldberg)…

Left by Lulu Pickle on December 3rd, 2006

Happy Day-After-Thanksgiving

I hope you are all enjoying the leftovers (my animals are certainly grateful for the turkey scraps that my Mom sent home with me), and having a nice relaxing day, hopefully full of Mystery Science Theater 3000 episodes.

And since you presumably have even more to be thankful for today than you did yesterday (the American Family Association ended its ban on Wal-Mart, freeing us to not shop there; the distant relatives probably went home, and might not have to talk to them for another year; etc.), so today might be a good day to think about how you can share some of your blessings with the less fortunate.

Scott posted about giving toys to homeless kids (which is possibly the easiest way to make your own day, as well as to bring a smile to a kid, EVER!).

My church is having a drive to donate stuff to the local thrift store (the store employs people who really need jobs, it offers bargains on a wide array of stuff to the general public, and it donates household goods to people who need it, AND it allows the community to get rid of clutter without guilt), which is an easy way to feel like I’m doing something good. You might want to go through your own closets and donate something (even something good) to your own local charity this weekend, since it’s a way to help others without spending any money.

But, of course, we don’t want you to forget Anntichrist S. Coulter’s friend Lee, who has probably had as hard a life as anyone living in 21st century American can. So, if you’re feeling a warm, post-holiday glow today and want to extend the feeling by doing something nice to somebody who deserves it, think about using the PayPal button other there and sending a few dollars to help Lee get the brain surgery she needs.

Now, on to the snark. As I was going through the ULTIMATE WINGNUT nominations (which I hope to announce tomorrow), I thought of a new category for the contest: “The Next Ted Haggard.” I see this as a chance to recognize those men of God who most deserve a spectacular fall from grace, even though winning this award won’t actually guarantee that their hidden vices will become public knowledge, alas. My nominee for this honor is Pastor Rod Parsley (who apparently isn’t the same person as Ross Parsley, who took over for Pastor Ted). Here are just a few reasons why, courtesy of an American Prospect Online piece from last year:

Parsley, a Bible-college dropout who claims to have begun his evangelical career in his parents’ backyard by preaching to a tiny congregation nearly 20 years ago, now boasts a 12,000-member church with affiliated schools offering education from preschool through college; a daily television program, Breakthrough, seen on the Trinity Broadcasting Network (TBN) and other fundamentalist-Christian television outlets; a 2,000-member fellowship of affiliated churches; and a political organization, the Orwellian-sounding Center for Moral Clarity. But Parsley, who is hailed by the theocratic Christian right as a model of virtue and a representative of “values voters,” has been questioned by congregants and even his own family about his church governance and secretive fund-raising practices.

“Probably President Bush would not be in office today had it not been for him,” said Bishop Harry Jackson, a black pastor from the Washington, D.C., suburbs and a fellow rising star in the religious right. ‘Nuff said.

Now, on to reason #2: Because of the people he hangs out with.

Owing to the breadth of his appeal (black, white, young, old) Parsley has been embraced by the GOP leadership and the right-wing punditocracy as a representative of “moral values” — from Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (who had Parsley and Jackson at his side when he hosted a news conference in support of the judicial nomination of Janice Rogers Brown), to Texas Governor Rick Perry (who had Parsley, along with Perkins and American Family Association President Don Wildmon, on hand when he hosted his controversial Sunday bill-signing ceremony at a Christian school, where Parsley called gay sex “a veritable breeding ground of disease”), to Ann Coulter (who helped him launch his book tour), to National Association of Evangelicals President Ted Haggard (who has called Parsley “a bold, dynamic man of faith who’s committed to doing the right thing no matter what”), to Bush himself (who included Parsley on a conference call to religious leaders shortly after the announcement of John Roberts’ nomination to the Supreme Court).

Anybody who’s been endorsed by Frist, Ann Coulter, Don Wildmon, Bush, AND Pastor Ted deserves a fall, don’t you think?

But here’s probably the most important reason: because he preys on the poor.

Exactly how Parsely purports to “help” the poor, both black and white, is evident in his practice of Word of Faith theology, also known as the “prosperity gospel.” Word of Faith is a nondenominational religious movement with no official church hierarchy or ordination procedures, which emphasizes the absolute prophetic authority of pastors, the imperative to make tithes and offerings to the church, and the power of an individual’s spoken word to lay claim to their spiritual and material desires. Purveyors of Word of Faith, like Parsley, teach their flock to “sow a seed” by donating money to the church, promising a “hundredfold” return.

Word of Faith has been popularized, in large part, by the immense growth of TBN — a nonprofit entity with a 24-7 lineup of regular evangelists and faith healers, including Parsley, assets of more than $600 million, and annual revenues approaching $200 million, making it the closest competitor to Pat Robertson’s Christian Broadcasting Network.

The most prominent critics of Word of Faith are Christians who consider it a heretical distortion of the Bible. According to these critics, Word of Faith preachers prey on people of modest means, promising prosperity in return for putting money in the pocket of a self-anointed prophet.

Yeah, that’s pretty much the gist of why I think Pastor Rod deserves to be the next Pastor Ted: because he asks his followers to donate money they can ill afford, and he offers no accountability for what he does with the money. (Although it is known that he has a million dollar house, a personal jet, and several relatives on the payroll.)

Here's more:

In fund-raising appeals, for example, Parsley has urged people to burn their bills and donate to him to free themselves from debt. Through his Web site and television program, Parsley sells “covenant swords” and “prayer cloths” — kitsch objects that he claims will bring the purchaser miraculous freedom from financial problems as well as any physical or emotional ailments. He has written that “one of the first reasons for poverty is a lack of knowledge of God and His Word,” and that “the Bible says that to withhold the tithe is to rob God.” He pressures his congregants to tithe 10 percent of their gross income, in addition to offerings, which are aggressively sought two or three times during each service.

Besides the kitsch and the advice to give him the money that should be going to pay the electric bill, his claims that he can heal the sick, inclduing AIDS sufferers, if they will just show enough faith by donating money to him, are also pretty obnoxious. Anyway, if you want to be disgusted, read the rest of the article.

But here’s a bit more, from Christianity Today’s Meet the Patriot Pastors:

Parsley spends 15 minutes explaining how the [Center for Moral Clarity] has filed an amicus brief with the Supreme Court regarding an upcoming abortion case. He runs through several emotional tales of children who survived abortions as their pictures flash on the screens above. But amicus briefs don’t write themselves. Soon the donation envelopes go around; $40 gets you a World Harvest Reformation Bible and a copy of the brief.

This plea for money is a staple of Parsley’s services, with people urged to stand up, raise their hands, or hold their cash in the air. Parsley routinely exhorts church members and viewers of his television show to donate (or “sow a seed”) with the expectation that God will bless them 30, 60, or 100 times. Parsley has written that “the power to create wealth is one of God’s gifts under the covenant” and that James 5:3, 7 promises “that in the last days there is going to be a great transfer of wealth [to Christians].”He is living proof of the “success” of this prosperity gospel. News reports and property records have detailed his 7,000-square-foot home, his San Diego vacation property, and his two $60,000 vehicles. In high demand as a speaker, Parsley travels everywhere by private jet, even to Botkins, a small town two hours by car from his base near Columbus.

And that’s why Rod Parsley (AKA “Male Pubic Hair”) is my nominee for the “Next Ted Haggard” award. Feel free to submit your own nominees, if you think there is anybody more deserving than ol’ Rod.

Posted by s.z. on Friday, November 24th, 2006 at 9:29 pm.

I always wondered what happened to Bob Tilton–now I know.

Left by Dorothy on November 24th, 2006

To quote from one of my favorite holiday songs, this guy’s soul is an appalling dung heap, piled high with the most disgraceful rubbish imaginable, mangled up in tangled up knots.

Left by Bill S on November 24th, 2006

My money’s on Ricky Santorum.

Left by D. Sidhe on November 24th, 2006

Thank you again, S.Z. — the enormity of your generosity never ceases to amaze me. And I\’m sure that a big chunk of the people who\’ve been coming over to Lee\’s blog have at least passed through the portal of WoC. You are a true friend and a good person and I will never stop being grateful to have you in my life.
BTW, does it matter if the nominees are already in jail?
JG has a lovely piece on Kent Hovind —\”Dr. Dino\” — of the now-defunct Creationist Museum/Foundation/Carwash & Pedicure Boutique, and on the wisdom of soap-on-a-roap.
Granted, Pastor Porn Name is probably a LOT closer to the sigmoid colon of \”hell\” than ol\’ Bentover Kent, but I figured that it was worth a mention.
Entrepreneurship is on the wane in this country, wouldn\’tcha say?
patriotboy

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on November 25th, 2006

As shit. Sorry that I fucked-up the margins. Again. I shoulda done the TinyURL thing, I know.
Sorry again.

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on November 25th, 2006

I have to go to the source on this one and nominate Pastor Swank himself, he of the Paul Sorvino, slicked-back hair, looking for all the world like Fat Gay Elvis in the Rodeo bar on the docks.

Left by actor212 on November 25th, 2006

you forgot to mention his “special friend” Ken Blackwell

Left by preznit giv me turkee on November 25th, 2006

I’ve got a soft spot for “Dr.” John Hagee (two honorary doctorates, fer chrissakes), mostly because he’s a throwback to corpulent Baptist bullies of my youth, like Billy James Hargis (child molester) or Gregg Dixon (tax cheat, serial infant paddler). And though Hagee is a lot more cooperative with the Hebrews than his 60s doppelgängers were, it’s all in the interest of getting Armageddon started on time.
In fairness, Hagee looks like he could wrestle a moose; I “accidentally” bumped into Dixon once in the 70s and I swear you could have reached inside him like a Jello mold and pulled out a marshmallow.

Left by Doghouse Riley on November 25th, 2006

Slightly OT, but for the sheer entertainment value (and as a drain on his resources), I recommend getting yourself on the mailing list of the Rev. Peter Popoff (no, I did not make this up). Sign up here.
You get a free vial of miracle spring water on the first installment, but it is the follow-up mailing that is priceless. A Chinese Miracle Fish!!1!

Left by R. V. Dump on November 25th, 2006

oops!

Left by R. V. Dump on November 25th, 2006

You mean one of those little cellophane things that curls up from heat and humidity? Or does he just mail you a dead killifish?
Nation, we’re getting stupider by the hour. It makes me quite sad.

Left by D. Sidhe on November 25th, 2006

I remember seeing one of Parsley’s debt-buring commercials (look like it was shot in a car lot). I kept having this vision of one of his employees forgetting to take out a hundred dollar bill from one of the debt envelopes and Parsley jumping into the debt bonfire to get it.

Left by Yaoi Huntress Earth on November 25th, 2006

Annti,
I tried and tried to make a link to the General’s post that will work here, but the stupid software keeps adding stuff to my url, thus making the link inoperable. Plus, it adds weird punctuation marks every time I try to edit. Sorry about that.

Left by s.z. on November 26th, 2006

I would also add Creflo A. Dollar and his wife Taffy. They are struck from the same mold as Parsley, et. al. Expensive clothes and flashing diamonds–and a heaping helping of Jeebus, of course. It’s all about the money–money coming into their own pockets. And Fundies like Hagee, Lindsey and those LeHane freaks only support Israel and Jews because of The End Times/ Revelations biblical prophesy lunacy.

Left by mj on November 26th, 2006

You have spent your years on earth in luxury, satisfying your every desire. You have fattened yourselves for the day of slaughter. James 5:5 Jeez, can’t Parsley and the folks at Christianity Toady read? Rich people are condemned to death and damnation! Heed the words of the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and give it away now!

Left by Dr. BDH on November 26th, 2006

“His [R]od and thy staff shall comfort thee…” Says that somewhere in the Bible, with a lower-case “R.” And definitely Rod Parsley is the wingnut I would have nominated if you hadn’t beaten me to it.
I read a hair-raising personals ad in a supermarket tabloid that began “SWCM, Columbus area, disciple of Rev. Rod Parsley…” damn, I wish I could find it. Anyway, this guy went on at great length about how virginal and G-dly he wanted his woman to be; the age range he gave was “age 14-24.” Fourteen!!

Left by Mrs. Tarquin Biscuitbarrel on November 26th, 2006

Mrs. T:
Ewwwww.

Left by Bill S on November 26th, 2006

I repeat: Stupider by the hour.

Left by D. Sidhe on November 26th, 2006

Aww. You trashed the spam I was snickering about. To clarify, “stupider by the hour” was in reference to the spam, which seemed to suggest that we should replace the classist moron in the White House with a racist moron. It was not in response to the fantastic Mrs B’s comment, though that was pretty creepy, but not her fault.

Left by D. Sidhe on November 27th, 2006

MJ —- honeychile, if Creflo A. Dollar (IF *EVER* there was a name for a scummy televangelist, HE’S GOT IT!!!) makes your flesh crawl, g’wan down to NOLA and cruise up & down Claiborne Avenue and check out the Church Chain-Store Billboards — churches that started in the ‘hood, now with Branches in New Orleans East (bougeoisie buppies & buppie wannabes), somewhere on Canal Street between downtown and City Park, out in Jefferson Parish beyond-the-suburbs, and another one on the Westbank. And the “Bishops” and “Healers” and “Pastors” (and the wives who call themselves, “FIRST LADY” and “PROPHETESS,” I shit you not!!!) — all wearing $1,400 suits and $2G dresses and real alligator shoes, etc. While they milk the tithes from people living on commodity cheese and Social Security, they’re going to teach ‘em how to “earn” their “blessings” from Jeebus. ‘Cause Jeebus is alllllll about da Benjamins, dontcha know.
They make my flesh want to leave my body, crawl up the billboards, and defecate on their faces.
S.Z., darlin’ heart, don’t sweat the link, though I love you for trying. Sorry again about fuckin’ up the margins like such a rank amateur. Anybody who can get to JG can find the aforementioned felonious “monks.”
And as a thank-you, I give you this link (M.O.B.) that leads you to kitties Kitties **KITTIES**!!!!!!
http://tinyurl.com/ydv2yo
SeattleTammy gave me the original link, oh, and she RAWKS! Any of y’all up in the Great Nawthwest, swing by SeattleTammy & SeattleDan’s joint — they are AMAZING human beings, humanitarians, and generally totally cool mofos.
http://www.jacksonst-books.com/
***(After, of course, you’ve done all of your holiday/non-holiday/birfday/whatever-reason shopping at Wo’C's Amazon shop, of course!)***
If there is any justice in the universe, S.Z. woulda hit the PowerBall by now and set up a critter refuge that would make Tippie Hedren’s joint look like a PETTING ZOO!!! Oh, and Scott would be able to buy Oliver Stone & Steven Segal as houseboys & wax-on-wax-off car detailers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://anntichristscoulter.blogspot.com/
http://forleola.blogspot.com/

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on November 27th, 2006

How dare you speak ill of Pastor Parsley? Along with the whole TBN family, he provides some of the funniest stuff on TV. Lately, I have even dedicated the majority of my blog entries to those fine folks…
Yours in Christ,
Matt-Man

Left by Matt-Man on November 27th, 2006

Someone please tell me that Rod Parsely has a brother named Tod…

Left by RobW on November 27th, 2006

[...] Happy Day After Thanksiving [...]

Left by RV » Blog Archive » Wednesday 27th December 2006 06:01:01 PM on December 27th, 2006

Hi, Just briefly scrolling this website. Hmmm..interesting. I am a Chrisitian and to put aside some of the humor I was a little confused as to why you would portray John Hagee as a joke? As well as Kent Hovind (spell). Some of the others “yes” but them? I actually respect Ann Coulter as well. It would be interesting to share with you. I sense some “soul searching here” in between the judging and crucifying, maybe some of the readers just need some good excuses within some of these “so-called-Christian leaders” in order to face God Christless? But, I am sorry. As bad as a light Rod and some other TV wolves go, hell is filled with an assortment of lost people including some of the people on this blog. I hope they get serious in their soul search because instead of finding excuses to reject Christ their only finding comrads in hell. Sorry I know the truth will set you off but for some of us it has set us FREE!Hope to hear from you…especially in heaven. Toodles.

Left by Sherri James on February 15th, 2007