Meet Hank Donald. No, wait. Donald Hank. Well, either way, he’s not letting the summer doldrums stop him from bringing the stupid, as he demonstrates in a little thing he likes to call, Will Ex-Gays Bring Down “Big Sodomy”?
Remember how cool smoking was? If you’re 45 or older, you do.Well, Donald (or Hank), I not only remember smoking, I remember smoking myself. Unfiltered Chesterfields, which even my three-pack-a-day Dad derided as suicidal “coffin nails.” I just don’t remember feeling any sort of social pressure to ”purport to have ‘intellect’” whenever I approached the cigarette machine by the toilets.
Whatever happened to that politically correct, cool, suave, debonair habit that was all the rage among college students, profs, teachers, Hollywood actors, big business and just about everyone purporting to have “intellect”?
In a nutshell, some scientists at the National Institutes of Health got together in the ’60s, ’70s and later and did some pioneering studies that proved beyond the shadow of a doubt that this cool habit could kill you.I’m glad to see that you never felt the need to purport to have “intellect,” since outside the nutshell, links between smoking and disease were being demonstrated as early as 1938, and three fairly conclusive studies were published in 1950, including one by Ernst L. Wynder and Evarts A Graham, published in the Journal of American Medicine which showed that 96.5% of lung cancer patients smoked. Meanwhile, in 1957, “Surgeon General Leroy E. Burney declared it the official position of the U.S. Public Health Service that the evidence pointed to a causal relationship between smoking and lung cancer.”
Today, they’re at it again. Only it isn’t smoking. That’s a dead issue, thanks to science and lawyers.
The activists then were Big Tobacco, supported by Hollywood, the advertising industry, the media and academe. Even politicians, like FDR, smoked and helped sell the image.I don’t recall President Roosevelt actually doing any paid advertising for the tobacco industry. Although I do remember this one:
Anyway, you were saying…?
Now “alternative” sexual lifestyles are all the rage. They, too, are killing people. And again, it’s the “intellectual” cool, liberal, worldly, suave thing to do.“I’m tellin’ ya, pal, all the big brains are puttin’ their dough into homosexuality. If you’re smart, you’ll dump that skirt you’re squiring around town and buy yourself a monocle and a dickey while you can still get in on the ground floor.”
The usual suspects are involved. All the big name colleges have special programs for promoting “alternative” sex. Businesses promote the Gay Olympics. Politicians like Barney Frank think they can foist alternative sex on people through their power positions.Hank was a little vague here, so I checked the Kama Sutra…Apparently, the top “power positions” involve a patent leather hammock and a sub-committee chairmanship. Sounds hot.
Hollywood uses its influence to turn the Marlboro Man into a spokesman for today’s popular deadly activity, and major companies like Ford contribute funds from the shareholders’ meager coffers to promote same-sex marriage. It’s just like the bad old days of Big Tobacco, and the Grim Reaper is having a gay old time.Meaning, evidently, that Death is giving Fred Flintstone a reach-around.
Even school boards, like that in Montgomery County, Md., are urging young students to accept this deadly habit and plying them with the message that anyone who perceives himself/herself as being of a certain sexual orientation is in fact stuck with that orientation and cannot escape. That’s tantamount to a group of educators telling smokers that they were born to smoke, can’t quit and shouldn’t even try.“I guess I always knew. I remember, when I was five years old, realizing that I was somehow different. None of the other kids in kindergarten had a pack of Luckies rolled up in the sleeve of their Garanimals. Nobody elses’ fingerpaintings seemed to have nicotine stains. Nobody else set off the school fire alarm when they dropped off during naptime with a lit Pall Mall in their chubby little hand.”
Of course, the promulgation of knowledge and data concerning the link between alternative sex and disease is hampered by the bullying tactics of the elite.Eustace Tilley pushed Donald into a mud puddle and stole the Ding Dong from his lunchbox.
Thus, only a few facts are known at all to some of the public (such as the results of a study in Scandinavia showing that men in same-sex marriages die 24 years earlier than their counterparts in the general population), and these facts aren’t mainstream…or even real.
So what will turn this movement around? Again, as in the case of smoking, I believe it will be the victims themselves. As soon as they smell the money.So gay men can sue R.J. Reynolds for manipulating the nicotine content of semen? Cool! By the way, anyone here prefer to get partially devoured by the deadly beast? I mean, that sounds kind of insulting, doesn’t it, like you’re not worth devouring whole, and after all, it’s the deadly beast, right? It’s not the Beast Who Maims Then Has To Unbuckle His Pants And Fall Asleep In Front Of The Game Because He Snacked Between Meals, right?
After all, the biggest losers aren’t the Christian right or grass-roots Americans, who have voted overwhelmingly against “alternative” definitions of marriage. The biggest losers are those who gaily fling themselves into the arms of the deadly beast that devours them whole.
Note the remarkable parallels with the smoking craze: In both cases, the promoters of the respective dangerous habits had been or are withholding evidence that undoubtedly would have led people not to indulge or to quit. Today, public elementary and secondary schools are doing just that, and in addition, some are teaching, as part of “sex education,” methods for carrying out harmful sexual perversions, including “fisting.”I’m going to confess something shameful, here…something I’ve never told anyone before…
I was held back in fourth grade because I failed Fisting.
The reverse “coming out” of Michael Glatze is the first major chink in the ramparts of Big Sodomy. More major players will be announcing themselves in time, demonstrating the fallacy of “once gay always gay,” the sandy foundation on which the gay agenda is premised.“Once more unto the breech, dear friends, or close up the wall with our English queers.”
In his column, Glatze doesn’t mince words, calling homosexual sex purely “lust-based,” meaning it can never fully satisfy.They he should switch from butt-sex to Chesterfields! THEY Satisfy!
Hopefully Americans aren’t as slow this time to accept the findings, as we were when all we did was smoke.Well, if we actually had some findings, that would probably help with the whole acceptance thing. On the bright side, we don’t have a lavishly endowed industry mouthpiece like the Tobacco Institute to cast doubt on studies proving that homosexuality is just a dirty habit in case anybody ever came up with studies that actually proved that. What a relief!
If you have a friend or relative who has been persuaded by the media, big business, politicians, university programs, including courses of study, or any person or group to try this deadly lifestyle, and especially if your friend or relative is already suffering from a serious disease contracted as a result of it, talk to him or her at the first opportunity about the very real possibility of starting a class-action lawsuit against the group or groups that persuaded them to enter into the activity that did them in. If you happen to be in a care-giving profession, that is a shoe in the door.He’s right! First thing tomorrow, I’m filing a class action suit against Michael Medved’s mustache.
53 Responses to “If You Must Smoke, Please Don’t Pole Smoke”
I notice he picked up Tammy Bruce’s habit of using the word “elite” for anyone who supports gay equality. So when do I get my raise?
Wait…does being gay make you rich, or does being rich make you gay? Those who want to stay straight should send me all their money, just to be safe.
Wait…does being gay make you rich, or does being rich make you gay? Those who want to stay straight should send me all their money, just to be safe.
“Big Sodomy?” So being gay is a multi billion dollar industry now? I mean, does he actually think “Hollywood” (of course) and “Big Business” are somehow raking in the cash from the homo-agenda or something? Well at least he’s a bit more…creative in his arguments than most of the phobes.
Oh yeah, the Fifties was fucked up. Just thought I’d mention that.
Oh yeah, the Fifties was fucked up. Just thought I’d mention that.
Oh, God, he’s just stumbled across that fucking Paul Cameron travesty, hasn’t he. You know, the ex-gay movement would be more convincing if they could show us a couple of people who’ve been happily ex-gay, by which I do not mean “celibate” or “closeted while married”, for a couple of decades. I’ll be holding my breath over here in the Elite Corner.
And, listen, as soon as the secondhand homo starts giving you cancer, and as soon as cigarettes are banned because of secondhand smoke, we’ll listen. Until then, dummy, only fuck your wife, and all the raging homo in the world won’t hurt you.
Incidentally, Hank or Donald, how does it feel knowing that you agree with raving nutbag Fred Phelps and mass-murderer Osama bin Laden on the subject of American Queer Culture?
And, listen, as soon as the secondhand homo starts giving you cancer, and as soon as cigarettes are banned because of secondhand smoke, we’ll listen. Until then, dummy, only fuck your wife, and all the raging homo in the world won’t hurt you.
Incidentally, Hank or Donald, how does it feel knowing that you agree with raving nutbag Fred Phelps and mass-murderer Osama bin Laden on the subject of American Queer Culture?
If you have a friend or relative who has been persuaded by the media, big business, politicians, university programs, including courses of study, or any person or group to try this deadly lifestyle, and especially if your friend or relative is already suffering from a serious disease contracted as a result of it, talk to him or her at the first opportunity about the very real possibility of starting a class-action lawsuit against the group or groups that persuaded them to enter into the activity that did them in.Ah, yes, I remember my first time well. This guy approached me. He wasn’t even that hot–he had a beer-gut and several days’ growth of beard. He said, “Hi! I’m Bill with teh FFB (Fags For Buttsex, later changed to teh F4B for pollitically correct reasons). Wanna ride ny boner like a Campfire Girl?” Well, his smegma smelled so enticing that I tried a couple o’ puffs, and I was hooked!
Ever since that day, I’ve been a three-pricks-a-day guy.
OK, seriously. Smoking=gay‽‽‽ That is the stupidest analogy that I have *ever* envountered. Ever. Is this guy fucking retarded? Who, exactly, does he think is raking in all those big “sodomy bucks,” other than pr0n producers? Evidently, the school system. Action alert, teachers! You *so* aren’t being paid your fair share! Strike, my pretties, strike!
Christ, I’ve crapped corn-studded turdlings that were brighter than this bozo. A pox upon him.
Uh, “encountered.” Right.
Isn’t Tammy Bruce a lesbian? She really sneers at anyone who supports gay rights?
I was held back in fourth grade because I failed Fisting.
It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I was just lucky to have some deeply committed teachers who kept pounding it into me until I got it. It was one of the hardest, yet most rewarding, times of my life.
I hope Hank will keep us posted on how this class action lawsuit is coming.
I was held back in fourth grade because I failed Fisting.
It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I was just lucky to have some deeply committed teachers who kept pounding it into me until I got it. It was one of the hardest, yet most rewarding, times of my life.
I hope Hank will keep us posted on how this class action lawsuit is coming.
(Banging head on desk.)
Marq already pointed out how idiotic this guy’s analogy is. It’s also incredibly insulting to suggest that some outside influence could persuade you to “turn gay”. I mean, that kinda shit makes me wanna fucking scream, but it’s so the FUCKING OPPOSITE of my own experience (and I’m probably not alone in that.) I don’t remember anybody telling me it was “cool” to be gay. In fact, just about every message I got about, beginning in elementary school (when “gay” was already an all-purpose pejoritive, even they kids didn’t know what it meant)was that being gay was some horrible thing. When I first came out to my mom, in a roundabout fashion, at age 15 (what I said was “I probably won’t even get married, except to another guy”), she let out a shriek of horror and said, “Don’t even think about that-you’d be a disgrace to the family!” (I hadn’t even had sex yet at the time). I pretended I was kidding and didn’t bring it up again. (I never officially “came out’, she just figured it out on her own.)
In other words, every message I got about being gay was negative, and none of that was enough to make my dick get stiff for women. I was just as gay as ever. So this stuff pisses me off like you wouldn’t believe.
As for Michael Glatze’s claim that he’s suddenly straight, just sayin’ it don’t make it so. I’ve never run across an “ex-gay’ whose claims were even remotely credible. This guy’s no exception. Most of these people are incredibly fucked-up to begin with. I can’t even imagine how “reparative therapy” would even work-isn’t just a lot of sitting around and talking? I mean, most of them are religeous based, so I doubt therapy involves holding up a copy of “Penthouse” with one hand, or trip to a tittie bar. In any case, the only people who even seek therapy are the ones who’ve screwed their lives up, or had some horrible experience that shakes them up (Glatze’s sudden change was preceded by a breakup from a long-term relationship.)
Oh, and I can’t let this slip by: “If you happen to be in a care-giving profession, that is a shoe in the door.” Why do I get the feeling he’s alluding to people involved in the treatment of A.I.D.S. patients? (Probably because all wingnuts thing “Gay=A.I.D.S.”) Wonderful. That’s just what somebody needs when they’re facing a life-threatening illness-some jackass telling them to Repent, Then Sue. (And who do they sue, exactly?)
Sorry to write such a long comment. This stuff just leaves me unable to even make snarky jokes. But I will leave you with one last thing: My mom no longer feels that way, and in fact, feels bad about saying that-she realized, a long time ago, that it was out of line. Her attitude changed so much that it’s actually impossible to imagine her saying that today.
Marq already pointed out how idiotic this guy’s analogy is. It’s also incredibly insulting to suggest that some outside influence could persuade you to “turn gay”. I mean, that kinda shit makes me wanna fucking scream, but it’s so the FUCKING OPPOSITE of my own experience (and I’m probably not alone in that.) I don’t remember anybody telling me it was “cool” to be gay. In fact, just about every message I got about, beginning in elementary school (when “gay” was already an all-purpose pejoritive, even they kids didn’t know what it meant)was that being gay was some horrible thing. When I first came out to my mom, in a roundabout fashion, at age 15 (what I said was “I probably won’t even get married, except to another guy”), she let out a shriek of horror and said, “Don’t even think about that-you’d be a disgrace to the family!” (I hadn’t even had sex yet at the time). I pretended I was kidding and didn’t bring it up again. (I never officially “came out’, she just figured it out on her own.)
In other words, every message I got about being gay was negative, and none of that was enough to make my dick get stiff for women. I was just as gay as ever. So this stuff pisses me off like you wouldn’t believe.
As for Michael Glatze’s claim that he’s suddenly straight, just sayin’ it don’t make it so. I’ve never run across an “ex-gay’ whose claims were even remotely credible. This guy’s no exception. Most of these people are incredibly fucked-up to begin with. I can’t even imagine how “reparative therapy” would even work-isn’t just a lot of sitting around and talking? I mean, most of them are religeous based, so I doubt therapy involves holding up a copy of “Penthouse” with one hand, or trip to a tittie bar. In any case, the only people who even seek therapy are the ones who’ve screwed their lives up, or had some horrible experience that shakes them up (Glatze’s sudden change was preceded by a breakup from a long-term relationship.)
Oh, and I can’t let this slip by: “If you happen to be in a care-giving profession, that is a shoe in the door.” Why do I get the feeling he’s alluding to people involved in the treatment of A.I.D.S. patients? (Probably because all wingnuts thing “Gay=A.I.D.S.”) Wonderful. That’s just what somebody needs when they’re facing a life-threatening illness-some jackass telling them to Repent, Then Sue. (And who do they sue, exactly?)
Sorry to write such a long comment. This stuff just leaves me unable to even make snarky jokes. But I will leave you with one last thing: My mom no longer feels that way, and in fact, feels bad about saying that-she realized, a long time ago, that it was out of line. Her attitude changed so much that it’s actually impossible to imagine her saying that today.
In the new remake of “The Graduate:”
Mr. McGuire: I want to say two words to you. Just two words.
Benjamin: Yes, sir.
Mr. McGuire: Are you listening?
Benjamin: Yes, I am.
Mr. McGuire: Teh gay.
Mr. McGuire: I want to say two words to you. Just two words.
Benjamin: Yes, sir.
Mr. McGuire: Are you listening?
Benjamin: Yes, I am.
Mr. McGuire: Teh gay.
Scott:
Fantastic in every way, except for “Pickled Watermelon Rind”. I got a shiver and flashed back to a semi-regular (every other month or so) dinner from my youth: Boiled Tongue and Pickled Watermelon Rind.
But, I’m not teh ghey, so it didn’t harm me too much.
Fantastic in every way, except for “Pickled Watermelon Rind”. I got a shiver and flashed back to a semi-regular (every other month or so) dinner from my youth: Boiled Tongue and Pickled Watermelon Rind.
But, I’m not teh ghey, so it didn’t harm me too much.
I can’t even muster the strength to comment on this wing-nut, my wrists are so limp. As with all the straight people I know (some of my best friends are…well, not really, but my parents and siblings are, it doesn’t seem to be contagious and their hetrero nature hasn’t rubbed off on me) my only choice was whether to be honest or to try to lie about my sexuality. I’ve never been a good liar, or an actor. Unlike Ronald Reagan, I don’t even play one on TV.
It seems my dick don’t lie, either. Maybe Donald’s has been whispering subversive thoughts to him, and he’s beginning to get the urge to go to the gym…get tattooed and buzz-cut…wax his back…buy a big bucket of Elbow Grease and some rubber gloves….
I guess I have to defend the right of assholes to be themselves, too, but their views don’t have to go unchallenged. God bless the Filipina drag queens of Stonewall, chasing the cops down the street in their cha-cha heels. We still gotta fight for our right to exist, let alone party!
It seems my dick don’t lie, either. Maybe Donald’s has been whispering subversive thoughts to him, and he’s beginning to get the urge to go to the gym…get tattooed and buzz-cut…wax his back…buy a big bucket of Elbow Grease and some rubber gloves….
I guess I have to defend the right of assholes to be themselves, too, but their views don’t have to go unchallenged. God bless the Filipina drag queens of Stonewall, chasing the cops down the street in their cha-cha heels. We still gotta fight for our right to exist, let alone party!
I think it was a nice British guy who tipped him off when he said he was “gonna step outside for a fag”
Eustace Tilley pushed Donald into a mud puddle and stole the Ding Dong from his lunchbox.
Oh Scott, you rag!! tee hee! Well thank God for your visits to the basement, or I would have to get by on reading the wingnuts for myself which does my blood pressure almost as much damage as 3 packs a day of unfiltered Chesterfields (Hey, tell me you weren’t serious about that – I’m beginning to wonder…..)
Bill S, your mom sounds like a wonderful lady. I can certainly imagine that having a son like you would have gone a long way toward dispelling her previous prejudices. Good for you and her!
Oh Scott, you rag!! tee hee! Well thank God for your visits to the basement, or I would have to get by on reading the wingnuts for myself which does my blood pressure almost as much damage as 3 packs a day of unfiltered Chesterfields (Hey, tell me you weren’t serious about that – I’m beginning to wonder…..)
Bill S, your mom sounds like a wonderful lady. I can certainly imagine that having a son like you would have gone a long way toward dispelling her previous prejudices. Good for you and her!
Isn’t Tammy Bruce a lesbian? She really sneers at anyone who supports gay rights?
She is. And she writes unbelievably idiotic stuff attacking the “elites” who believe in marriage equality.
She is. And she writes unbelievably idiotic stuff attacking the “elites” who believe in marriage equality.
Gay, it’s the new cool.
Um,yeah, cause all the gay people I know really aren’t. They’re just following a fad.
Oh my heck.
Um,yeah, cause all the gay people I know really aren’t. They’re just following a fad.
Oh my heck.
My mother thinks it’s just a phase my partner and I (and our last long term third) are in, which I find hilarious but also a somewhat inevitable response from straights, being basically bi. Hell, I know *gay* people who think it’s just a phase I’m in.
You believe what you gotta believe to think well of yourself, I guess, and if that’s that your daughter is just pulling your leg with the whole bisexual, poly, pagan thing, or if it’s that bisexual people are just straights trying to be cool or partially-closeted gays, I suppose you go with it. I just kind of wish they’d stop telling me what they believed so that I could continue to think well of myself.
You believe what you gotta believe to think well of yourself, I guess, and if that’s that your daughter is just pulling your leg with the whole bisexual, poly, pagan thing, or if it’s that bisexual people are just straights trying to be cool or partially-closeted gays, I suppose you go with it. I just kind of wish they’d stop telling me what they believed so that I could continue to think well of myself.
Ho hum. Kinda bored today. What to do, what to do? Let’s check the web. Not much happening there. The game hasn’t started yet.
I’ve GOT it! I’ve been meaning to try that whole gay sex thing for years. I mean, I’m not really attracted to men, and I don’t think there’s anything overly arousing about buttholes, but I’ve just GOTTA give it a try.
Curious? Not really. I just feel a lot of pressure. There’s Tom Cruise, there’s Gavin Newsome, hell, there’s Omar Vizquel! All these happy, wealthy kweers flaunting their joyous “lifestyle”. I mean, how else am I supposed to be cool?
Ok, let’s see. How do I do this? Excuse, me, sir? Would you like to have some sex? No, with me. Of course I’m not saying you’re gay. I’m not gay either. But don’t you want to be cool, hip and happening? No, there’s no need for that, I’ll be on my way.
Hmm, maybe there’s something on the web now…
mikey
I’ve GOT it! I’ve been meaning to try that whole gay sex thing for years. I mean, I’m not really attracted to men, and I don’t think there’s anything overly arousing about buttholes, but I’ve just GOTTA give it a try.
Curious? Not really. I just feel a lot of pressure. There’s Tom Cruise, there’s Gavin Newsome, hell, there’s Omar Vizquel! All these happy, wealthy kweers flaunting their joyous “lifestyle”. I mean, how else am I supposed to be cool?
Ok, let’s see. How do I do this? Excuse, me, sir? Would you like to have some sex? No, with me. Of course I’m not saying you’re gay. I’m not gay either. But don’t you want to be cool, hip and happening? No, there’s no need for that, I’ll be on my way.
Hmm, maybe there’s something on the web now…
mikey
Meet Hank Donald. No, wait. Donald Hank.
and is he “special friends” with Perry Rick? or is that Rick Perry?
and is he “special friends” with Perry Rick? or is that Rick Perry?
secondhand homo
Instant classic.
I’m not convinced he’s a True Wingnut. Not once did he ever complain about having teh gay “stuffed down his throat” like a seasoned wingnut would.
I am curious how these folks would explain my gay brother. We were brought up in the family of a conservative Christian minister, Christian school, services 3 times a week and devotions every evening.
The Gay is a truely powerful Overlord that none can resist. All hail The Gay.
Instant classic.
I’m not convinced he’s a True Wingnut. Not once did he ever complain about having teh gay “stuffed down his throat” like a seasoned wingnut would.
I am curious how these folks would explain my gay brother. We were brought up in the family of a conservative Christian minister, Christian school, services 3 times a week and devotions every evening.
The Gay is a truely powerful Overlord that none can resist. All hail The Gay.
What Bill S. had to say about teh ghey being the ultimate in uncool. Much the same experiences with me, except by 15, I had definitely had loads of teh sex, and I didn’t come out to my dad ’til I was 21. He was really cool with it–not to the point of joining PFLAG or anything, but he did read a book or two about having gay kids, so totally no freakout. Considering that even TODAY, being gay, bi, transgendered, etc., is only marginally acceptable as long as you don’t in any way FLAUNT IT shows we’ve got a long way to go before we even *enter the neighborhood* of full acceptance. In the meantime, we are to accept straight people and everything they do without question, because they’re so inherently right. Yeah, right. I don’t even feel safe in my own damned country, so how equal am I?
Sorry, I think Dank Honold is really onto something here….
So, if I ever turn gay and get a dizeez as a result, I’m going to sue Dick Cheney for trotting his gay daughter out as a fine example of a successful gay person to emulate (even though I’m not the same gender as she is), the folks at Talon News Service for promoting the idea that even call-boys can make it into the White House, and the Rev. Ted Haggard and New Life Church for promoting meth-charged romps with masseurs as a path to God.
Some folks think that doing something and pretending they don’t is better than just accepting it as part of who you are. The battle isn’t Anti-Sodomy vs. Big Sodomy, it’s Sneaky Sodomy vs. Honest Sodomy. And that’s the one respect in which the smoking analogy might be useful here: The cigarettes you smoke in the crapper with the fan on, and then pretend you didn’t, will affect your health exactly the same as the cigarettes you smoke in public.
And I bet by lunchtime some sleazebag porno outfit starts production on a feature film called “Big Sodomy.” Maybe starring Matt Sanchez. If they don’t, something is wrong.
So, if I ever turn gay and get a dizeez as a result, I’m going to sue Dick Cheney for trotting his gay daughter out as a fine example of a successful gay person to emulate (even though I’m not the same gender as she is), the folks at Talon News Service for promoting the idea that even call-boys can make it into the White House, and the Rev. Ted Haggard and New Life Church for promoting meth-charged romps with masseurs as a path to God.
Some folks think that doing something and pretending they don’t is better than just accepting it as part of who you are. The battle isn’t Anti-Sodomy vs. Big Sodomy, it’s Sneaky Sodomy vs. Honest Sodomy. And that’s the one respect in which the smoking analogy might be useful here: The cigarettes you smoke in the crapper with the fan on, and then pretend you didn’t, will affect your health exactly the same as the cigarettes you smoke in public.
And I bet by lunchtime some sleazebag porno outfit starts production on a feature film called “Big Sodomy.” Maybe starring Matt Sanchez. If they don’t, something is wrong.
I was planning to write something full of snark in response to this, but when I got to the part about the class-action lawsuit, my brain just stopped. Now I have to go lick 9-volt batteries to try to kickstart it again.
On the bright side, my partner is a lawyer, so screw class-action. I’m gonna personally sue Charles Nelson Reilly’s estate for taunting me into gayness with his televised gayosity, along with Kurt Russell and Lee Majors for being smokin’ awesome hot and inspiring wicked thoughts in my youthful brain.
On the bright side, my partner is a lawyer, so screw class-action. I’m gonna personally sue Charles Nelson Reilly’s estate for taunting me into gayness with his televised gayosity, along with Kurt Russell and Lee Majors for being smokin’ awesome hot and inspiring wicked thoughts in my youthful brain.
I used to smoke cloves until a gay friend told me they made me smell like a ham. TEH GHEY SAVED MY LIFE!
Okay, I think I’ve regained some of my sense of humour since this morning.
If there’s any truth to that Scandanavian study (and I suspect he’s misrepresenting the findings), doesn’t that mean bisexual men live 12 years longer than gay men?
If media and cultural influences are the only thing that lead men to become attracted to other men, and women to become attracted to other women, why hasn’t the sheer volume of heterosexual imagry in our culture-which is far greater-been enough to just turn them back?
If there’s any outside cultural influence that convinced me that there’s nothing wrong with being gay, it’s not gay-rights groups or liberal media or anything like that. It’s the ANTI-GAY assholes, from school bullies to Anita Bryant to Bible-beating-off fundies to Homophobic politicians to dimbulb pundits like this dipshit. The more offensive, insulting, crazy or just plain stupid they were, the more convinced I was that I should trust my OWN instincts.
And to those of you who believe in God, please consider the follwing:
Who’d he send to encourage people to be less racist in their thinking? Charismatic, articulate people like Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Who’s the most famous spokesman against homosexuality? A creepy old man who stands outside funerals toting a sign depicting stick figures having anal sex.
I think that gives you a pretty good idea of where He really stands on this issue, doesn’t it?
If there’s any truth to that Scandanavian study (and I suspect he’s misrepresenting the findings), doesn’t that mean bisexual men live 12 years longer than gay men?
If media and cultural influences are the only thing that lead men to become attracted to other men, and women to become attracted to other women, why hasn’t the sheer volume of heterosexual imagry in our culture-which is far greater-been enough to just turn them back?
If there’s any outside cultural influence that convinced me that there’s nothing wrong with being gay, it’s not gay-rights groups or liberal media or anything like that. It’s the ANTI-GAY assholes, from school bullies to Anita Bryant to Bible-beating-off fundies to Homophobic politicians to dimbulb pundits like this dipshit. The more offensive, insulting, crazy or just plain stupid they were, the more convinced I was that I should trust my OWN instincts.
And to those of you who believe in God, please consider the follwing:
Who’d he send to encourage people to be less racist in their thinking? Charismatic, articulate people like Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Who’s the most famous spokesman against homosexuality? A creepy old man who stands outside funerals toting a sign depicting stick figures having anal sex.
I think that gives you a pretty good idea of where He really stands on this issue, doesn’t it?
Scott, this is terribly exciting. As the author of two monographs in the field (2005′s “Taco Myths of the American Nativists”, and last April’s “Libertarian Ghost Dance Rituals in a Middling Tennessee Faculty Lounge”, both, if I may say so, justifiably lightly regarded), I believe you may have uncovered the first example of a cargo cult on North American soil. Honking David Hank (English translation: “One Who Expels Intestinal Gas From The Head”) seems to have caught on to the idea that a magic called “Sci-ance” is at the heart of his enemies’ power over him, and is attempting to utilize its “Mojo” for his own purposes, within the confines of his linguistic limitations, of course. One can only hope to view this ritual in its natural setting, as Wingnut chiefs gather by the light of FAUX News to spread tales of miraculous power and don the Lab Coat of Power in the vain hope of a return to the glorious “Reagan Land” of their forebears.
Even the Abortion Industry meme makes more sense than Big Sodomy. People pay for abortions, but they don’t have to pay for gay sex (unless they’re Ted Haggard-ba bump ching!)
I am curious how these folks would explain my gay brother. We were brought up in the family of a conservative Christian minister, Christian school, services 3 times a week and devotions every evening.
You just did.
You just did.
Well, people report that even years and years after giving up cigarettes, that every once in a while they still have a craving for one . . . pack or two.
some are teaching, as part of “sex education,” methods for carrying out harmful sexual perversions, including “fisting.”
WTF?! Where the hell was all this when I was in school back in the 70s? Fisting lessons, teachers having sex with students, iPods–kids these days have it sweet, and make no mistake.
Also: Barney Frank is still alive? Haven’t wingnuts been kicking him around for, like, 300 years?
WTF?! Where the hell was all this when I was in school back in the 70s? Fisting lessons, teachers having sex with students, iPods–kids these days have it sweet, and make no mistake.
Also: Barney Frank is still alive? Haven’t wingnuts been kicking him around for, like, 300 years?
An obvious closet case, whose struggle with his true desires is only weakened every time he sees a gay person who hasn’t been burned at the stake. I think the “study” in question has been de-bunked already, might have read that at Randy Andy’s Daily Dish sometime this week, or somewhere recently.
P. S.: I’ve lived in West Hollywood, Hollywood & Silver Lake for the last 30+ years, and none of the gay people who are vital parts of those areas (or any of the gay people I’ve worked w/ over the years, or been to school w/, or drank, smoked [Camel non-filters & their "Mexican Laughing" cousins] & partied w/, or what have you) have ever come on to me or tried to convince me heterosexuality was “uncool,” or anything else along those lines. And I’m not that ugly!! (OK, I am obnoxious, but that’s not necessarily bad.)
I guess it’s a good thing I wasn’t involved in school or college past the ’70s, or I might have been convinced by “Big Sod” to, well, who knows?
Too bad, ’cause I’d just love to sue some academic institution on the basis that their suggesting that maybe beating/murdering “homos” is not a good idea turned me gay. Oh well.
P. S.: I’ve lived in West Hollywood, Hollywood & Silver Lake for the last 30+ years, and none of the gay people who are vital parts of those areas (or any of the gay people I’ve worked w/ over the years, or been to school w/, or drank, smoked [Camel non-filters & their "Mexican Laughing" cousins] & partied w/, or what have you) have ever come on to me or tried to convince me heterosexuality was “uncool,” or anything else along those lines. And I’m not that ugly!! (OK, I am obnoxious, but that’s not necessarily bad.)
I guess it’s a good thing I wasn’t involved in school or college past the ’70s, or I might have been convinced by “Big Sod” to, well, who knows?
Too bad, ’cause I’d just love to sue some academic institution on the basis that their suggesting that maybe beating/murdering “homos” is not a good idea turned me gay. Oh well.
Tammy Bruce is sort of a road company Camille Paglia who fancies she’s Florence King but more closely resembles Debbie Schlussel.
She’s not terribly talented, but then the competition for librutarian gaybashing lesbian conservative political punditry isn’t all that great. I imagine she’s got a dartboard with Norah Vincent on it somewhere.
She’s not terribly talented, but then the competition for librutarian gaybashing lesbian conservative political punditry isn’t all that great. I imagine she’s got a dartboard with Norah Vincent on it somewhere.
Thanks a lot, Julia. I had completely forgotten the existence of Norah Vincent. Blecch! Tammy Bruce, unfortunately, has sullied my ears on recent occasion.
“God bless the Filipina drag queens of Stonewall, chasing the cops down the street in their cha-cha heels. — ButchPansy
Beeeeauuuutiful. Couldn’t have put it better.
“Isn’t Tammy Bruce a lesbian?”
Think about it. Tammy. BRUCE. I mean, come ON, people!!! Where are your pun hats?!?!??! NOBODY could’ve pounced on THAT giant flaming cliche’??!?!?! Okay, maybe it’s not so much a “cliche’” as it is REALLY REALLY *REALLY* BAD CAMP, but still — Bill S., darling, Marq, darling — I’m so disappointed that nobody leapt upon this. Obviously I don’t have the skills necessary to do anything with “Tammy Bruce” aside from pointing out the comedic potential and bitching about it, but Y’ALL HAVE A DUTY TO THE READERSHIP, DAMMIT!!! Not even a SINGLE Debbie Reynolds joke. Tsk.
And D., sweetpea, welcome to my jungle. If I have ONE MORE gay guy or straight guy or guy PERIOD to tell me to “GET OFF OF THE FENCE,” I’m going to be making Lorena Bobbitt look like a RANK FUCKING AMATEUR!!!!!! Believe it or not boys, SOME OF US ARE *BORN* THIS WAY!!!!!! So call us greedy. So the fuck what? Y’know what being bi REALLY means? It means that you can now be REJECTED by 90% of America, instead of just slightly-less-than-50%, or the 10%-ish of the lesbians who MIGHT stop being so snotty about it and DARE to “risk” a fling with a “bi-girl.”
“Eyew — you’ve got DICK on your breath!”
As IF.
Hell, I haven’t done two in a day in at least…. jeeeeebus, I don’t even wanna say, ’cause it makes me feel THAT much older.
And Bill S., pumpkin, your King/Phelps breakdown was TOO FUCKING PERFECT!!! It damned near made me cackle with glee!
Except for one thing — teh haters SHOT Martin Luther King, Jr.
When in the FUCK is somebody going to draw a bead on SKELETOR PHELPS?!??!?!?! I’ll buy their fucking AMMO!!!!!!
Okay. Enough bolding and italics. For now, anyway.
Somebody get this self-loathing little freakazoid closet-case (and he’s probably a FURRY, TO BOOT!!!) illiterate dog-lusting mouth-breathing knuckle-dragging inbred cousin-fucking troglodyte off of my fucking PLANET!!!!!
It’s not bad enough that losers, morons, and slaughterers of the English language like this are actually somewhat “EMPLOYED” as so-called “WRITERS” (which is more than enough to make my fucking skull explode) — it’s that somebody is paying this dumbass toad-licking motherfucker to “write” his “OPINIONS”!!!!!!
I’ve seen more prescient observations, opinions and conversations on the bathroom stall walls of the Dragon’s Den in the Faubourg Marigny — hell, ANYWHERE ON DECATUR STREET, FOR FUCK’S SAKE!!!!!
And I’d put any and every queen who’s ever worked at the Clover Diner or Poppy’s (those bitches know how to sling some hash, honey!) up against this hairy-palmed little prevert ANY FUCKING DAY. Writing, fisting, parsing “logic” (if that word has ever frolicked across his dented & demented little skull), parting hair (oft-times with a .22 pearl-handled derringer) or pulling fresh flowers out of a fresher asshole.
Ugh.
I feel like I need a full-body dip in clorox after digesting this moron’s travesties against the English language, against logic, and against all things that are rational and right in this universe.
Beeeeauuuutiful. Couldn’t have put it better.
“Isn’t Tammy Bruce a lesbian?”
Think about it. Tammy. BRUCE. I mean, come ON, people!!! Where are your pun hats?!?!??! NOBODY could’ve pounced on THAT giant flaming cliche’??!?!?! Okay, maybe it’s not so much a “cliche’” as it is REALLY REALLY *REALLY* BAD CAMP, but still — Bill S., darling, Marq, darling — I’m so disappointed that nobody leapt upon this. Obviously I don’t have the skills necessary to do anything with “Tammy Bruce” aside from pointing out the comedic potential and bitching about it, but Y’ALL HAVE A DUTY TO THE READERSHIP, DAMMIT!!! Not even a SINGLE Debbie Reynolds joke. Tsk.
And D., sweetpea, welcome to my jungle. If I have ONE MORE gay guy or straight guy or guy PERIOD to tell me to “GET OFF OF THE FENCE,” I’m going to be making Lorena Bobbitt look like a RANK FUCKING AMATEUR!!!!!! Believe it or not boys, SOME OF US ARE *BORN* THIS WAY!!!!!! So call us greedy. So the fuck what? Y’know what being bi REALLY means? It means that you can now be REJECTED by 90% of America, instead of just slightly-less-than-50%, or the 10%-ish of the lesbians who MIGHT stop being so snotty about it and DARE to “risk” a fling with a “bi-girl.”
“Eyew — you’ve got DICK on your breath!”
As IF.
Hell, I haven’t done two in a day in at least…. jeeeeebus, I don’t even wanna say, ’cause it makes me feel THAT much older.
And Bill S., pumpkin, your King/Phelps breakdown was TOO FUCKING PERFECT!!! It damned near made me cackle with glee!
Except for one thing — teh haters SHOT Martin Luther King, Jr.
When in the FUCK is somebody going to draw a bead on SKELETOR PHELPS?!??!?!?! I’ll buy their fucking AMMO!!!!!!
Okay. Enough bolding and italics. For now, anyway.
Somebody get this self-loathing little freakazoid closet-case (and he’s probably a FURRY, TO BOOT!!!) illiterate dog-lusting mouth-breathing knuckle-dragging inbred cousin-fucking troglodyte off of my fucking PLANET!!!!!
It’s not bad enough that losers, morons, and slaughterers of the English language like this are actually somewhat “EMPLOYED” as so-called “WRITERS” (which is more than enough to make my fucking skull explode) — it’s that somebody is paying this dumbass toad-licking motherfucker to “write” his “OPINIONS”!!!!!!
I’ve seen more prescient observations, opinions and conversations on the bathroom stall walls of the Dragon’s Den in the Faubourg Marigny — hell, ANYWHERE ON DECATUR STREET, FOR FUCK’S SAKE!!!!!
And I’d put any and every queen who’s ever worked at the Clover Diner or Poppy’s (those bitches know how to sling some hash, honey!) up against this hairy-palmed little prevert ANY FUCKING DAY. Writing, fisting, parsing “logic” (if that word has ever frolicked across his dented & demented little skull), parting hair (oft-times with a .22 pearl-handled derringer) or pulling fresh flowers out of a fresher asshole.
Ugh.
I feel like I need a full-body dip in clorox after digesting this moron’s travesties against the English language, against logic, and against all things that are rational and right in this universe.
This article was truely satisfying! Thanks.
Lemme see- Gatze (an editor) was living with the publisher. Now he is anti-gay. Someone doesn’t take rejection very well, do he?
Oh, shooting Phelps would just make him a martyr-y’really want the fundies to re-write history about that shriveled old prick? Besides it’s a waste of ammo-I imagine throwing a bucket of water on him would do this trick.
THE trick.
Why’d I write “this”? I need more coffee.
Why’d I write “this”? I need more coffee.
Great old ciggie ads, especially the Reagan one.
A few years back, somebody posted this (MP3 audio, ~640Kb) to a Usenet MP3 newsgroup. I particularly like “What cigarette do YOU smoke, DOCTOR?” Talk about yer chutzpah.
A few years back, somebody posted this (MP3 audio, ~640Kb) to a Usenet MP3 newsgroup. I particularly like “What cigarette do YOU smoke, DOCTOR?” Talk about yer chutzpah.
It all makes perfect sense when you realize that Hank’s theory was stolen from Van Morrison one day when he and Haggard were listening to music while under the influence of crystal meth.
You see, as Van postulated three decades ago, if you set the gays on fire you will live longer and become wealthy.
“Search in your bag
Light up a fag
Think it’s a drag, but you’re so glad
To be alive, honey
Alive, honey
Say, when this is all over
You’ll be in clover
We’ll go out and spend
All a your (blue money)
Blue money (blue money)
Do-do-you-do, n’-do-do-you-do
n’ do-do-do-you do, n’ do-do-do-you-do”
You see, as Van postulated three decades ago, if you set the gays on fire you will live longer and become wealthy.
“Search in your bag
Light up a fag
Think it’s a drag, but you’re so glad
To be alive, honey
Alive, honey
Say, when this is all over
You’ll be in clover
We’ll go out and spend
All a your (blue money)
Blue money (blue money)
Do-do-you-do, n’-do-do-you-do
n’ do-do-do-you do, n’ do-do-do-you-do”
By the way, anyone here prefer to get partially devoured by the deadly beast?
Can he eat me until I’m nearly blind?
Can he eat me until I’m nearly blind?
Wellllll, Bill, I know that you’re right, but dammit, I am SICK of that cadaverous old fuck WASTING MY OXYGEN and TORMENTING THE FAMILIES OF SOLDIERS MURDERED BY DICK CHENEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, I know, there’s that honor-guard of big-ass vet bikers who escort the funerals now to keep Phelps and his flying monkeys away, but still. This piece of shit does not deserve to draw breath (though carbon monoxide would work wonderfully)… And yes, a big bucket of water (especially if it were “holy” water!) would prolly work, too, but why hasn’t anyone TRIED it yet?!??!!?!
Now as to the uber-freudian slip of “THIS trick”… well, I think that you’ve figured that one out by now, honey… heh heh heh… I hope that you tipped well… heh heh heh…
Yes, I know, there’s that honor-guard of big-ass vet bikers who escort the funerals now to keep Phelps and his flying monkeys away, but still. This piece of shit does not deserve to draw breath (though carbon monoxide would work wonderfully)… And yes, a big bucket of water (especially if it were “holy” water!) would prolly work, too, but why hasn’t anyone TRIED it yet?!??!!?!
Now as to the uber-freudian slip of “THIS trick”… well, I think that you’ve figured that one out by now, honey… heh heh heh… I hope that you tipped well… heh heh heh…
Now I have to go lick 9-volt batteries to try to kickstart it again.
I think I need to get my tongue bifurcated so I can put it across the terminals of a car battery. Something that can deliver 75 amps at 12 volts, anyways.
But if Lank Ronald (or whatever his name is wants) an exemplar of Teh Ex-Ghey, perhaps he shouldn’t look too closely at the late British jazz singer and surrealist George Melly. Died a couple weeks ago aged 80. Was almost exclusively gay through his 20s and 30s, played mixed doubles for the next couple of decades, then pretty much stuck to the concave sex for the remainder of his life, and never expressed a solitary regret about ANY of it.
Where he most signally fails the Republican purity test is that at his death he had been married to the same woman since 1963. I bet that would fuck with their tiny little minds most of all.
I think I need to get my tongue bifurcated so I can put it across the terminals of a car battery. Something that can deliver 75 amps at 12 volts, anyways.
But if Lank Ronald (or whatever his name is wants) an exemplar of Teh Ex-Ghey, perhaps he shouldn’t look too closely at the late British jazz singer and surrealist George Melly. Died a couple weeks ago aged 80. Was almost exclusively gay through his 20s and 30s, played mixed doubles for the next couple of decades, then pretty much stuck to the concave sex for the remainder of his life, and never expressed a solitary regret about ANY of it.
Where he most signally fails the Republican purity test is that at his death he had been married to the same woman since 1963. I bet that would fuck with their tiny little minds most of all.
I think I need to get my tongue bifurcated so I can put it across the terminals of a car battery.
Try jumper cables. They work for me just fine.
Try jumper cables. They work for me just fine.
Think about it. Tammy. BRUCE… Bill S., darling, Marq, darling — I’m so disappointed that nobody leapt upon this.[snort]
Hmm. Huh? [yawn] Ugh. Soooooo sleepy [smack smack]!
Tammy Bruce? Ummmmmmm… [quick, brain, think of something funny and clever to say about Tammy Bruce! "Who?" D'oh!]
Do I have to turn in my “Gay™” card if I admit that I’ve never heard of her?So, all I’d be doing would be recycling lame, generic lesbian jokes. Sorry!
Not that there’s anything more wrong about lame, generic lesbian jokes than there is about lame, generic gay jokes*.
.
.
.
.
*realizing that there is an extremely vocal minority out there that really runs from “crisis” to “crisis”, stamping their little feet while proclaiming it Teh Most Important Crisis Evarrr!!1!!
Of course, it isn’t.
Frankly, I’m amazed no one riffed on the old Tareyton slogan, “I’d rather fight than switch.”
Well, for me, the name “Tammy” by itself tends to conjure up that campy song by Debbie Reynolds. But the name Tammy Bruce tends to conjure up only vomit, so my ability to write a parody tribute to her tends to get sidetracked. Maybe in the near future I’ll try to write one, but I ain’t making promises.
Oh, and Annti, it wasn’t just the TIP.
(Ooh…did I SAY that? I’m sooo bad. )
Oh, and Annti, it wasn’t just the TIP.
(Ooh…did I SAY that? I’m sooo bad.
) GGRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOAANNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!
Get the hook!!!
And Marq, darling, I know that you’ve been laid-up this week (shaddup, Bill), but I can’t believe that you didn’t make the “Tammy’s In Looooooooove” connection!!!
And Bill, you are sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo wrong. So wrong. Tsk. Hand me that whip.
Get the hook!!!
And Marq, darling, I know that you’ve been laid-up this week (shaddup, Bill), but I can’t believe that you didn’t make the “Tammy’s In Looooooooove” connection!!!
And Bill, you are sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo wrong. So wrong. Tsk. Hand me that whip.
*sigh*
“Tammy” (Debbie Reynolds) + BRUCE (cliche’ gay male name) = SOMEBODY shoulda come up with a good joke about this, dammit!!!
“Tammy” (Debbie Reynolds) + BRUCE (cliche’ gay male name) = SOMEBODY shoulda come up with a good joke about this, dammit!!!
Whatever happened to that politically correct, cool, suave, debonair habit that was all the rage among college students, profs, teachers… and just about everyone purporting to have “intellect”?
Hell, I’m 45 years or older, but when I first read that, I was wondering whether the particular habit he meant was
(a) Licking cane-toads;
(b) boiling up cactus juice; or
(c) smoking datura flowers.
Here in NZ we evidently have different standards of coolness and suavity.
Hell, I’m 45 years or older, but when I first read that, I was wondering whether the particular habit he meant was
(a) Licking cane-toads;
(b) boiling up cactus juice; or
(c) smoking datura flowers.
Here in NZ we evidently have different standards of coolness and suavity.
Meanwhile, in 1957, “Surgeon General Leroy E. Burney declared it the official position of the U.S. Public Health Service that the evidence pointed to a causal relationship between smoking and lung cancer.”
…Not wanting to question US leadership in these issues or anything, but in Britain the Health Minister announced that the smoking / cancer link was beyond doubt, back in 1954. That was after Richard Doll’s 1951 and 1954 BMJ papers.
some scientists at the National Institutes of Health got together in the ’60s, ’70s and later and did some pioneering studies that proved beyond the shadow of a doubt
…And this is why 9 out of 10 social scientists do not consult Conservapedia when writing an article.
…Not wanting to question US leadership in these issues or anything, but in Britain the Health Minister announced that the smoking / cancer link was beyond doubt, back in 1954. That was after Richard Doll’s 1951 and 1954 BMJ papers.
some scientists at the National Institutes of Health got together in the ’60s, ’70s and later and did some pioneering studies that proved beyond the shadow of a doubt
…And this is why 9 out of 10 social scientists do not consult Conservapedia when writing an article.
So…give up lust? What you lust after? Great sex? For what….? Perfunctory sex with your (cover person)?
Been there, done that, not in the case of being gay and pretending…but in the case of my husband cheating on me and not really being there in the moment when I was.
It is among the worst and lonliest feelings in the world and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
In the end, no pun intended, you have to be true to yourself and live as an authentic life as you can. This is something the Repugs seem to miss. Dems are much more who they really are.
Been there, done that, not in the case of being gay and pretending…but in the case of my husband cheating on me and not really being there in the moment when I was.
It is among the worst and lonliest feelings in the world and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
In the end, no pun intended, you have to be true to yourself and live as an authentic life as you can. This is something the Repugs seem to miss. Dems are much more who they really are.
But with Rethugs, you get to play “Spot Teh Pooftah!”, that wacky new gameshow hit imported from the UK by ABC, just like “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?”. Ecpect the spin-off show, “Spot Teh Adulterer!” to follow shortly.
“Expect,” damnit! Is my hand-eye coordination really that bad?
Wait.
Don’t answer that.
No, really.
Don’t.
Wait.
Don’t answer that.
No, really.
Don’t.
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