William Kristol crept onto the Op-Ed pages of the Washington Post on Sunday and did the Numa Numa Dance in his Fruit of the Looms for the benefit of the Beltway’s tastemakers and trendsetters:
Elsie and Frances were proved overwhelmingly right.
I suppose I’ll merely expose myself to harmless ridicule if I make the following assertion: George W. Bush‘s presidency will probably be a successful one.
”Further, I suppose I’ll be subjected to a certain degree of incredulous snickering if I pull down my pants in front of the cheerleaders and assert that I am equipped with a thick, corrugated, tubetacular man-handle that sways gently from knee to knee like the pendulum of a grandfather clock.”
Let’s step back from the unnecessary mistakes and the self-inflicted wounds that have characterized the Bush administration.
“Sure, George-Bob wore a loose, filmy negligee when he was drivin’ the thresher, and then when we pried him and his leg outta there, he put on a 12-foot long Isadora Duncan scarf and started runnin’ the wood-chipper, but I don’t think it’s fair to bring that stuff up when we consider his qualifications to operate power machinery.”
Let’s look at the broad forest rather than the often unlovely trees. What do we see? First, no second terrorist attack on U.S. soil — not something we could have taken for granted.
Well, unless you count the weaponized anthrax that killed five Americans, hospitalized 17 others, caused the evacuation of Federal buildings and the virtual paralysis of the Postal Service. But that mostly affected journalists, Democrats, and civil servants so it doesn’t really count.
Second, a strong economy — also something that wasn’t inevitable.
Unless you were a major contributor to the Bush campaign or the Republican party, then you were pretty much guaranteed the chance to go on a madcap, My Man Godfrey-like scavanger hunt through the U.S. treasury. And for the record, Bill, while the words “Bush Boom” may go down in history, I doubt it’ll be as a synonym for increased disposable income.
And third, and most important, a war in Iraq that has been very difficult, but where — despite some confusion engendered by an almost meaningless “benchmark” report last week — we now seem to be on course to a successful outcome.
And how do we measure success? Well, not by the benchmarks the president agreed to use as a metric, because neither we nor the Iraqis met any of those benchmarks, or even made any progress at all, and it’s impossible to measure nothing! So HA! Get yourself out of that logical cleft-stick, defeatocrats!
The economy first: After the bursting of the dot-com bubble, followed by the attacks of Sept. 11, 2001, we’ve had more than five years of steady growth, low unemployment and a stock market recovery. Did this just happen? No. Bush pushed through the tax cuts of 2001 and especially 2003 by arguing that they would produce growth. His opponents predicted dire consequences. But the president was overwhelmingly right. Even the budget deficit, the most universally criticized consequence of the tax cuts, is coming down and is lower than it was when the 2003 supply-side tax cuts were passed.
“Also, advanced kerning analysis has proved that the Cottingley Fairies were real!”
Bush has also (on the whole) resisted domestic protectionist pressures (remember the Democratic presidential candidates in 2004 complaining about outsourcing?)“Remember when we actually thought that shipping jobs overseas might actually be a bad thing? Before we realized how helpful it was at fighting wage growth and efforts to unionize? Kinda makes you giggle now. It’s like when our dads all thought flouridation of the water would lead to widespread erectile dysfunction and communism in their children. Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m not a communist.”
Meanwhile, 2005-06 saw the confirmation of two Supreme Court nominees, John G. Roberts Jr. and Samuel A. Alito Jr. Your judgment of these two appointments will depend on your general view of the courts and the Constitution. But even if you’re a judicial progressive, you have to admit that Roberts and Alito are impressive judges (well, you don’t have to admit it — but deep down, you know it).“Your lips say no, but your eyes say yes.”
What about terrorism? Apart from Iraq, there has been less of it, here and abroad, than many experts predicted on Sept. 12, 2001.Sure, it’s has increased every year of the Bush presidency, but I’m sure that on Sept. 12, 2001, certain experts panicked and predicted that by 2007 terrorism would become the dominant form of social interaction among American youth, with hijackings and suicide bombings replacing text messaging and speed dating.
So Bush and Vice President Cheney probably are doing some important things right.Like eating Quaker Oats oatmeal for breakfast. That’s the right thing to do.
The war in Afghanistan has gone reasonably well.
Exactly! Say you’re a football team, and you really kicked ass in the first half, racking up a comfortable lead while your defense stopped the opposition cold. There’s no real reason to return for the second half, is there? I mean, by that point, what have you got left to prove? You made your point, it’s time to move on to the next game. It’s not like the referees can decide you’ve forfeited, or anything.
Yes, with our ally Musharraf making deals that allow al-Qaeda to regroup in Waziristan, I assume that Bush will do something about this at sometime in the future and this time not screw it up or get bored and wander off to play with the dog, because the U.S. launching attacks on Pakistani soil would give the politically shaky Musharraf a huge boost of popularity with his own constituents, who are totally not hung up on pride or national sovereignty or any of that shit.Western Pakistan, where President Pervez Musharraf‘s deals with the Taliban are apparently creating something like havens for terrorists, is an increasing problem. That’s why our intelligence agencies are worried about a resurgent al-Qaeda — because al-Qaeda may once again have a place where it can plan, organize and train. These Waziristan havens may well have to be dealt with in the near future. I assume Bush will deal with them, using some combination of air strikes and special operations.
Over what? Hemorroids? Manchester United? His craving for macaroons?
But wait, wait, wait: What about Iraq? It’s Iraq, stupid — you (and 65 percent of your fellow Americans) say — that makes Bush an unsuccessful president. Not necessarily. First of all, we would have to compare the situation in Iraq now, with all its difficulties and all the administration’s mistakes, with what it would be if we hadn’t gone in. Saddam Hussein would be alive and in power and, I dare say, victorious…
…with the United States (and the United Nations) by now having backed off sanctions and the no-fly zone.Really? Clinton managed to keep the sanctions going and the no-fly zone in place, all Bush had to do was maintain the status quo. So is Bill implying that Bush is such a consummate bumbler that he can’t even successfully do nothing?
He might well have restarted his nuclear program, and his connections with al-Qaeda and other terrorist groups would be intact or revived and even strengthened.Okay, he didn’t have any connections with al-Qaeda, but if we hadn’t invaded Iraq and killed him, he would have had lots of free time on his hands and maybe his wife would have nagged him enough that he finally would have gotten around to those projects he’d been putting off, like reseeding the lawn, and painting the kitchen cabinets, and building an atom bomb.
Still, that’s speculative, and the losses and costs of the war are real. Bush is a war president, and war presidents are judged by whether they win or lose their war.Or just suddenly start a war because Daddy’s the one who got to sleep in Mommy’s bed every night.
So to be a successful president, Bush has to win in Iraq.Which kinda brings us back to why the cheerleaders are laughing at your penis, Bill.
Which I now think we can. Indeed, I think we willI’ll go even farther, I think we have. And we should pack up and get home tout suite before we miss the party and walk in to find the joint empty except for some 4-F wolf in a zoot suit knocking back the last of the Blatz and pitching woo at our girl.
In late 2006, I didn’t think we would win, as Bush stuck with the failed Rumsfeld-Abizaid-Casey strategy of “standing down” as the Iraqis were able to “stand up,” based on the mistaken theory that if we had a “small footprint” in Iraq, we’d be more successful.“But I continued lying on national TV about how it was gonna work anyway.”
We are routing al-Qaeda in Iraq,Principally by declaring that anybody we shoot –Sunni, Shiite, small child — is a member of al-Qaeda in Iraq. Neat, huh? It’s not as easy to pull off in friendly fire cases, but we’re working on that.
…we are beginning to curb the Iranian-backed sectarian Shiite militiasOkay, we’re not, but the good news is they’re really not all that important, since a lot of the guys who are killing American troops are being bused in from our good friend Saudi Arabia.
…and we are increasingly able to protect more of the Iraqi population…from the hazards of overcrowding. It’s sort of like being an American bison in 1890. Where once you were packed horn to horn as you thundered across the plain, now you can really stretch out and enjoy the elbow room.
If we sustain the surge for a year and continue to train Iraqi troops effectively, we can probably begin to draw down in mid- to late 2008.“By which I mean, by then the country will have elected some Democrat who ran on a promise to withdraw from Iraq, so the important thing is to keep the war going full blast right up until 11:59 AM on January 20, 2009. After which, I’ll just have to lock myself in the bathroom and do what I can with my G.I. Joe’s kung fu grip.”
Bush has the good fortune of having finally found his Ulysses S. Grant, or his Creighton Abrams, in Gen. David H. Petraeus.Just curious, but when did this guy Petraeus becoming the second coming of Cincinnatus?
Following through to secure the victory in Iraq and to extend its benefits to neighboring countries will be the task of the next president. And that brings us to Bush’s final test. The truly successful American presidents tend to find vindication in, and guarantee an extension of their policies through, the election of a successor from their own party. Can Bush hand the presidency off to a Republican who will (broadly) continue along the path of his post-9/11 foreign policy, nominate judges who solidify a Roberts-Alito court, make his tax cuts permanent and the like?It may sound counterintuitive, but has Bill ever been wrong before? Not to hear him tell it, and since he’s never admitted to being wrong (and who but a sociopath would never admit to ever being wrong?) it must be true.
Sure.
Yeah, okay. But FYI, Bill Bennett is betting that you won’t cover the spread.What it comes down to is this: If Petraeus succeeds in Iraq, and a Republican wins in 2008, Bush will be viewed as a successful president.I like the odds.
35 Responses to “HA! You Can’t Pants Me In Front Of The Whole School, Cuz I Beat You To It!”
A masterpiece, I tell you. I just posted the first line and called it ‘Let the Harmless Ridicule Begin!’
Petraeus as Grant? Ulysses Grant won a war, then went on to preside over one of the most corrupt, graft-riddled, carpetbagger-friendly administrations Washington ever saw. If Petraeus really is Grant, we know what to expect from Reconstruction in Iraq.
trashfire, you should read what historians now say. let’s face it grant was the one who pushed reconstruction. let’s face it those who wrote history about the war and its after-math, were for the most part southern sympathizers.
Or just suddenly start a war because Daddy’s the one who got to sleep in Mommy’s bed every night.
Creepiest. Presidency. Ever.
I kinda dug the bison thing, btw.
Creepiest. Presidency. Ever.
I kinda dug the bison thing, btw.
okay, I want whatever drug he’s on — obviously it’s more potent than the the acid I last had in 1973!
“Let’s step back from the unnecessary mistakes and self-inflicted wounds that have characterized the Bush administration.”
Let’s see, standing in the driveway of my home in Latham, NY, if I step back from all that, where will I be standing? The middle of the Atlantic Ocean, maybe?
Let’s see, standing in the driveway of my home in Latham, NY, if I step back from all that, where will I be standing? The middle of the Atlantic Ocean, maybe?
Why didn’t he just say “The Bush presidency has been a success for Cheney & friends, who have gotten even filthier-rich than they already were, and turned the U.S. into a facist Daddy-state”. Bleah!
Bush has the good fortune of having finally found his Ulysses S. Grant
or at least his liquor cabinet
or at least his liquor cabinet
But then, this is the guy I watched twice tell callers to C-SPAN that he was too young to go to Vietnam (the second time he put it as “too young to be drafted for Vietnam”), this, despite the fact that he’s almost precisely one year older than I am and I was in the last draft class of the Vietnam War. I mean, if I guy can’t keep his own (easily checkable) history straight, whaddya expect?
I have to admit to a personal fondness for that bit about the deficit being lower than 2003, since we’ve added $1.4 trillion in debt since then, and since I distinctly remember cries of “they haven’t reduced the deficit, they’ve just reduced the rate of increase” coming from the general direction of the Weakly Standard back when Clinton/Gore were churning out budget surpluses.
I have to admit to a personal fondness for that bit about the deficit being lower than 2003, since we’ve added $1.4 trillion in debt since then, and since I distinctly remember cries of “they haven’t reduced the deficit, they’ve just reduced the rate of increase” coming from the general direction of the Weakly Standard back when Clinton/Gore were churning out budget surpluses.
No better time than now to be a rich white boy.
The rest of y’all get down to preacher Pat’s 700 Club Chapel, your suffering has been brought on by your sinful behavior and you need cleansing.
Please remember to tithe and read carefully our helpful voting brochure, located in the pew behind the hymnal.
Praise the lord and cleanse my soul with servile drudgery to my deservingly prosperous masters!
The rest of y’all get down to preacher Pat’s 700 Club Chapel, your suffering has been brought on by your sinful behavior and you need cleansing.
Please remember to tithe and read carefully our helpful voting brochure, located in the pew behind the hymnal.
Praise the lord and cleanse my soul with servile drudgery to my deservingly prosperous masters!
The pew isn’t behind the hymnal, the hymnals ain’t that big.
Great piece, as usual!!Now I’m off to WaPo to see what the commentariat there has to say.
240+ pages of comments @WaPo, I only got through the first 25, there were 4 or 5 posts total in favor, two of which were from the same toad, one of which was along the lines of: “Boy, lots of left wing haters out tonight.” Brilliant.
But did find a link to HuffPo, where the Lady of the Blog did some investigative eavesdropping on Billy the K. on the Amtrak shuttle:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/arianna-huffington/bill-kristol-on-the-tra_b_56394.html
But did find a link to HuffPo, where the Lady of the Blog did some investigative eavesdropping on Billy the K. on the Amtrak shuttle:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/arianna-huffington/bill-kristol-on-the-tra_b_56394.html
Kristol meth – the drug that you have to be on for these blatherings to make sense
preznit giv me turkee: Good One!
Not only are his statements stupid lies, but he writes in a manner similar to the coy-semi-hysterical writers of, say vogue, or other women’s magazines. That’s really offensive.
First, no second terrorist attack on U.S. soil — not something we could have taken for granted.
So then that July 4th bombing of an abortion clinic in Texas…you know, the one where they drilled a hole in the ceiling and dropped explosives…that was, what, a fireworks display?
So then that July 4th bombing of an abortion clinic in Texas…you know, the one where they drilled a hole in the ceiling and dropped explosives…that was, what, a fireworks display?
Kristol meth – the drug that you have to be on for these blatherings to make sense
Left by Arakasi
*polite applause*
Oh, well played!
*sipping martini*
Left by Arakasi
*polite applause*
Oh, well played!
*sipping martini*
That settles it: I’m naming my own, personal rectal opening my “Billy Bum.”
“Or just suddenly start a war because Daddy’s the one who got to sleep in Mommy’s bed every night.”
Scott, I am NEVER going to forgive you for THAT image!!!!!! They will never manufacture enough bleach to get that one outta my head.
“Bush has the good fortune of having finally found his Ulysses S. Grant”
“or at least his liquor cabinet” — preznit
PRICELESS!!!
Seriously — what kind of drug is Kristol on, and can we steal the patent on this shit? I don’t want any for myself, but I can definitely see the potential for selective dosing with this brain eraser…
Scott, I am NEVER going to forgive you for THAT image!!!!!! They will never manufacture enough bleach to get that one outta my head.
“Bush has the good fortune of having finally found his Ulysses S. Grant”
“or at least his liquor cabinet” — preznit
PRICELESS!!!
Seriously — what kind of drug is Kristol on, and can we steal the patent on this shit? I don’t want any for myself, but I can definitely see the potential for selective dosing with this brain eraser…
I’m still trying to rid myself of the mental image of George in a “loose, filmy negligee”, Annti.
Not only are his statements stupid lies, but he writes in a manner similar to the coy-semi-hysterical writers of, say vogue, or other women’s magazines. That’s really offensive.
I would actually say more like a teen magazine, like Young Miss: “Roberts and Alito are really, really cute (deep down, you know it!).”
I would actually say more like a teen magazine, like Young Miss: “Roberts and Alito are really, really cute (deep down, you know it!).”
I’m late to teh party–any jokes left?
[...crickets...]
No, huh? Well, lemme look at these empties to see if anyone brought anything good.
Well, first of all…
And others, too.
Yeah, I know that’s a cop-out, but I said I was lazy! Besides, I’ve been suffering from a particularly painful pulled muscle in my lower back (yes, Annti, I know your back’s worse!), and it’s driving me nuts! Thank the non-existant sky fairy for Salonpas HOT. L8rz!
[...crickets...]
No, huh? Well, lemme look at these empties to see if anyone brought anything good.
Well, first of all…
“Sure, George-Bob wore a loose, filmy negligee when he was drivin’ the thresher, and then when we pried him and his leg outta there, he put on a 12-foot long Isadora Duncan scarf and started runnin’ the wood-chipper, but I don’t think it’s fair to bring that stuff up when we consider his qualifications to operate power machinery.”…scott, of course. There was a lot of things in there that were “keepers,” but I’m lazy, so I just grabbed teh first one. Oh, and the mention of teh Cottingley Faries: very Holmesian of you I must say!
If Petraeus really is Grant, we know what to expect from Reconstruction in Iraq.Well said, trashfire!
okay, I want whatever drug he’s on — obviously it’s more potent than the the acid I last had in 1973!Donna asks…
Kristol meth – the drug that you have to be on for these blatherings to make sense…and is answered by Arakasi. Well played, Mam. Or Sir! Or.. urm… whatevah you iz!
or at least his liquor cabinetpreznit giv me turkee–so funny in so few words!
I have to admit to a personal fondness for that bit about the deficit being lower than 2003[...]Doghouse, providing not one, but two factoids to combat the tsunami of idiocy and lies issuing forth from Kristol’s desiccated lips. More like this, please.
And others, too.
Yeah, I know that’s a cop-out, but I said I was lazy! Besides, I’ve been suffering from a particularly painful pulled muscle in my lower back (yes, Annti, I know your back’s worse!), and it’s driving me nuts! Thank the non-existant sky fairy for Salonpas HOT. L8rz!
Oh, and Mark S., you’re totally right! Parts of that crap read exactly like headlines from “Tiger Beat”… not that I’d know what those were like. *ahem*
Marq, when in the fuck did it turn into a “who’s more cripple’ contest?
I’ve had to listen, for the past WEEK, after my so-called “parents” moved the guy who MOLESTED ME FOR TWELVE FUCKING YEARS into my NANNIE’S HOUSE — I’ve had to listen to them cooing and whimpering EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DETAIL ABOUT *HIS* (their blessed and oft-worshiped Son King, their Louis XIV, if you will) fucking back surgery/injury from a car wreck FOUR FUCKING MONTHS AGO, that’s “suddenly” a fucking “emergency,” and they have been CAMPED-OUT IN HIS FUCKING HOSPITAL ROOM THAT ENTIRE FUCKING TIME, with ME as the slave-girl to take care of THEIR dogs while THEY attend to licking his ass clean every other breath.
Even the one niece that has always been “loyal” to me, is in on it. Oh, but he’s in SUCH danger from the upcoming surgery, oh, it’s EVER so much more important than the TWO SPINE SURGERIES that I had, when NOT ONE FUCKING RELATIVE AT ***ALL*** came to visit ME in the hospital, and only THEY (my alleged “parents”) and Tater (my dead nephew, abandoned by his “grandparents” AND both of his cracked-out “parents”) came to see me after I got HOME from three fun-filled days at Charity Hospital.
When I had my last spine surgery (the more botched of the two, from which I will have to have ANOTHER surgery, by the end of this year) on my birthday last year, guess who came to sit/camp-out in MY hospital room?
No-fucking-body. THEY (the alleged “parents” who pimped me out to Louis XIV) came by for about 20 minutes a day, Oldest Niece came by ONCE (though she did stick around for the surgery), and NOT A ONE OF THE OTHER UNGRATEFUL BITCHES THAT CALL THEMSELVES MY NIECES EVER **ONCE** CAME TO SEE ME, either in-hospital or when I got back here to L’Hotel du Fucktards. I’ve bent over backwards and spent damned near every dime I’ve ever had on these kids, and where are they now?
Paying court to Louis XIV in his hospital room. HE gets to reap the rewards of a huge lawsuit against that very hospital, for sending him home the night of the fucking car wreck (that was probably his fault) with the fucked-up back. I got three fucking years on narcotic painkillers (the last 3 years of my grandmother’s life) while I had to repeatedly BEG the cocksuckers at Charity Hospital to either FIX MY FUCKING BROKEN BACK OR PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY, and another 6 years of surgery and torment and more fucked-up hardware, no career, no life, no nothing, a lost house, and not even a decent “settlement” from the scumbag antichrist lowlife piece-of-shit excuse for a “lawyer” who sent me to a fucking CHIROPRACTOR IN THE FIRST FUCKING PLACE, WHO RELEASED ME KNOWING THAT I HAD A BROKEN BONE IN MY BACK BUT NOT TELLING **ME** — I got 2 grand and a lifetime of torture and ineptitude and malfeasance and malpractice because I’m a fucking CHARITY CASE ON MEDICARE, and the evil-prick piece-of-shit “legal corporation” got TEN GRAND.
So, see? We don’t have to have pissing contests about back injuries, Marq. I spend every day of my life wishing for death, not just to escape the physical agony and emotional waterboarding from these motherfuckers, but because I know that my back will NEVER be whole again, and that I’ll never get to dance again, make road trips again, or have a fucking LIFE again, and there’s NOBODY THAT I CAN FUCKING SUE TO GET A FUCKING DIME OFF OF ANY OF IT.
The only good thing that I can say today is that I finally got to meet my month-old grandniece, but only because my other niece, Oldest Niece’s batshit younger sister, was COMING UP HERE TO PAY COURT TO LOUIS XIV. Otherwise, I probably would never have known if she’d gotten the cash that I sent, since the bitch couldn’t even return a fucking phone call so that I could BUY the baby something that she NEEDED.
So, do 20 minutes of ice, 20 minutes of heat, on and off again, twice an hour, then rest 20 minutes, and that should help the muscles unclench. And get some fucking flexerils and/or valiums from your doctor.
But let’s not play like we’re playing pissing contests, k? I’ve got a lot worse shit on my mind right now.
I’ve had to listen, for the past WEEK, after my so-called “parents” moved the guy who MOLESTED ME FOR TWELVE FUCKING YEARS into my NANNIE’S HOUSE — I’ve had to listen to them cooing and whimpering EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DETAIL ABOUT *HIS* (their blessed and oft-worshiped Son King, their Louis XIV, if you will) fucking back surgery/injury from a car wreck FOUR FUCKING MONTHS AGO, that’s “suddenly” a fucking “emergency,” and they have been CAMPED-OUT IN HIS FUCKING HOSPITAL ROOM THAT ENTIRE FUCKING TIME, with ME as the slave-girl to take care of THEIR dogs while THEY attend to licking his ass clean every other breath.
Even the one niece that has always been “loyal” to me, is in on it. Oh, but he’s in SUCH danger from the upcoming surgery, oh, it’s EVER so much more important than the TWO SPINE SURGERIES that I had, when NOT ONE FUCKING RELATIVE AT ***ALL*** came to visit ME in the hospital, and only THEY (my alleged “parents”) and Tater (my dead nephew, abandoned by his “grandparents” AND both of his cracked-out “parents”) came to see me after I got HOME from three fun-filled days at Charity Hospital.
When I had my last spine surgery (the more botched of the two, from which I will have to have ANOTHER surgery, by the end of this year) on my birthday last year, guess who came to sit/camp-out in MY hospital room?
No-fucking-body. THEY (the alleged “parents” who pimped me out to Louis XIV) came by for about 20 minutes a day, Oldest Niece came by ONCE (though she did stick around for the surgery), and NOT A ONE OF THE OTHER UNGRATEFUL BITCHES THAT CALL THEMSELVES MY NIECES EVER **ONCE** CAME TO SEE ME, either in-hospital or when I got back here to L’Hotel du Fucktards. I’ve bent over backwards and spent damned near every dime I’ve ever had on these kids, and where are they now?
Paying court to Louis XIV in his hospital room. HE gets to reap the rewards of a huge lawsuit against that very hospital, for sending him home the night of the fucking car wreck (that was probably his fault) with the fucked-up back. I got three fucking years on narcotic painkillers (the last 3 years of my grandmother’s life) while I had to repeatedly BEG the cocksuckers at Charity Hospital to either FIX MY FUCKING BROKEN BACK OR PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY, and another 6 years of surgery and torment and more fucked-up hardware, no career, no life, no nothing, a lost house, and not even a decent “settlement” from the scumbag antichrist lowlife piece-of-shit excuse for a “lawyer” who sent me to a fucking CHIROPRACTOR IN THE FIRST FUCKING PLACE, WHO RELEASED ME KNOWING THAT I HAD A BROKEN BONE IN MY BACK BUT NOT TELLING **ME** — I got 2 grand and a lifetime of torture and ineptitude and malfeasance and malpractice because I’m a fucking CHARITY CASE ON MEDICARE, and the evil-prick piece-of-shit “legal corporation” got TEN GRAND.
So, see? We don’t have to have pissing contests about back injuries, Marq. I spend every day of my life wishing for death, not just to escape the physical agony and emotional waterboarding from these motherfuckers, but because I know that my back will NEVER be whole again, and that I’ll never get to dance again, make road trips again, or have a fucking LIFE again, and there’s NOBODY THAT I CAN FUCKING SUE TO GET A FUCKING DIME OFF OF ANY OF IT.
The only good thing that I can say today is that I finally got to meet my month-old grandniece, but only because my other niece, Oldest Niece’s batshit younger sister, was COMING UP HERE TO PAY COURT TO LOUIS XIV. Otherwise, I probably would never have known if she’d gotten the cash that I sent, since the bitch couldn’t even return a fucking phone call so that I could BUY the baby something that she NEEDED.
So, do 20 minutes of ice, 20 minutes of heat, on and off again, twice an hour, then rest 20 minutes, and that should help the muscles unclench. And get some fucking flexerils and/or valiums from your doctor.
But let’s not play like we’re playing pissing contests, k? I’ve got a lot worse shit on my mind right now.
Oh, and btw, since that one is AWAITING MODERATION, do you remember, Marq, back in January of 2005, when I had to go back to Charity for my mutilated-jaw TMJ surgery? ‘Cause if not, I’d be thrilled to refresh your memory as to how they STOLE ALL OF MY CLOTHES, PURSE, I.D., CIGARETTES, MONEY, ETC., AND DESERTED ME DOWN THERE FOR THREE FUCKING DAYS WITH NOT EVEN A CHANGE OF FUCKING UNDERWEAR — whilst they were threatening to have me INCARCERATED IN A STATE MENTAL HOSPITAL FOR HAVING ***JAW SURGERY***, just to get me the fuck out of THEIR fucking house.
Annti-
Would it make you feel any better at all if I said WE’D miss you if you were gone? Don’t wish for death (not your own, anyway.)
Would it make you feel any better at all if I said WE’D miss you if you were gone? Don’t wish for death (not your own, anyway.)
Bush has the good fortune of having finally found his Ulysses S. Grant, or his Creighton Abrams, in Gen. David H. Petraeus.
Ah, yes. Creighton Abrams. Off to Wikipedia!
“Creighton Williams Abrams Jr. (September 15, 1914 – September 4, 1974) was a United States Army general who commanded military operations in the Vietnam War from 1968-72.”
Hmm. So he didn’t exactly have what you might call an unblemished record of military triumph, then, this Abrams fellow. Not looking good for Petraeus…
Ah, yes. Creighton Abrams. Off to Wikipedia!
“Creighton Williams Abrams Jr. (September 15, 1914 – September 4, 1974) was a United States Army general who commanded military operations in the Vietnam War from 1968-72.”
Hmm. So he didn’t exactly have what you might call an unblemished record of military triumph, then, this Abrams fellow. Not looking good for Petraeus…
Yes, dear. Thank you, Bill.
Doesn’t alleviate the suffering, but at least lets me know that somebody is listening, which is deeply appreciated.
Doesn’t alleviate the suffering, but at least lets me know that somebody is listening, which is deeply appreciated.
Cripes, Annti, I fucking *said* I knew your back is worse! Mine was-and IS-making me miserable, and since it’s a muscle-pull, at unexpected moments, but I SAID I KNEW YOURS IS WORSE!! Reading comprehension, much? I was *actively* attempting to head-off offending you. O quote me from above:
Look, I’m sorry if I’m coming off as a surly bitch, but when someone rakes me over the coals when I in *no way* deserve it, I don’t much appreciate it. Life has done that enough already.
And, yeah, yeah, I’m not even holding myself up as the person life has handed the biggest shit sandwich. There’s *plenty* of us out here. Life sucks.
(yes, Annti, I know your back’s worse!)How fucking unclear is *that*? I’m sorry your back is so fucked up, and that your health is fucked up, and that your fucking life is so fucked up, but don’t take it out on me. I haven’t gone into any detail on the numerous health-related issues wrong with me, but I’m pretty confident that I can match yours. Probably even surpass them, though there’s a lot of apples and oranges sorts of issues in there. Cheap ferinstance: how many eyes you got? Probably more than me. And that’s a throwaway. That’s nothing.
Look, I’m sorry if I’m coming off as a surly bitch, but when someone rakes me over the coals when I in *no way* deserve it, I don’t much appreciate it. Life has done that enough already.
And, yeah, yeah, I’m not even holding myself up as the person life has handed the biggest shit sandwich. There’s *plenty* of us out here. Life sucks.
‘Cause if not, I’d be thrilled to refresh your memory as to how they STOLE ALL OF MY CLOTHES, PURSE, I.D., CIGARETTES, MONEY, ETC., AND DESERTED ME DOWN THERE FOR THREE FUCKING DAYS WITH NOT EVEN A CHANGE OF FUCKING UNDERWEAR
Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter
Wow. That sounds like a good Friday night in a bar to me…
Sorry, Annti, someone had to lighten the mood.
Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter
Wow. That sounds like a good Friday night in a bar to me…
Sorry, Annti, someone had to lighten the mood.
Like I said, Marq, it’s not a pissing contest. If I had a dick (which, believe it or not, I don’t, nor do I desire one), mine would probably be bigger, but hideously malformed, like Hedgehog Ron Jeremy’s.
Can’t you just tell when I’m blowing off steam? Jeeeeebus. If I was “attacking” YOU, I’d have been aiming AT YOU, dear. Talk about your reading comprehension. Sorry to hear about the eyeball, though — I supposed that skull-fucking jokes would be out of line?
And Actor, you have GOT to show me where those bars are… I’ve been incarcerated by poverty for far too long, and haven’t been in a decent bar since I left NOLA, though I did find one half-assedly decent bar in Miami Beach, it ’tweren’t up to standards by a long shot.
Can’t you just tell when I’m blowing off steam? Jeeeeebus. If I was “attacking” YOU, I’d have been aiming AT YOU, dear. Talk about your reading comprehension. Sorry to hear about the eyeball, though — I supposed that skull-fucking jokes would be out of line?
And Actor, you have GOT to show me where those bars are… I’ve been incarcerated by poverty for far too long, and haven’t been in a decent bar since I left NOLA, though I did find one half-assedly decent bar in Miami Beach, it ’tweren’t up to standards by a long shot.
Blowin’ off steam? Me, too! All week I’ve been in more paon than usual, have been awake for 36 – 48hr. periods, and have been sober and crabby in general. And, now I’m back in teh hospital. Hooray for me! [sitting in my cale-bed, feeling sorry for myself. did I mention that I hate hospitals?]
So I’ll take that as a “no” on the skull-fucking jokes? Or maybe just a “not now”?
Why in the FUCK have you been anywhere even remotely APPROACHING “SOBER”?!?!?!??!?!?!?!
Jeeezus fucking christ on a hard-tack cracker with as side of KEROSENE, MAN!!!!!!!!!!
You can’t fucking LIVE LIKE THAT!!!
Well, if you’re gonna be in the fucking hospital again, you might as well make it WORTH IT — RING THAT FUCKING NURSE’S BELL UNTIL THOSE BITCHES BRING IN THE MORPHINE BY THE BUCKETS JUST TO SHUT YOU THE FUCK UP, and you can sleep through whatever in the hell comes neck, by damn!!!
Fuck, Porter Waggoner was EMBALMED about 15 years ago, and he’s on fucking LETTERMAN tonight!!! You have GOT to get off of this loop-tape from Satan’s 8-track rec room, dammit! Nobody should have to live like this, dude, it’s just fucking INHUMAN.
You’re paying for this joyride, GET THE BEST YOU FUCKING CAN OUT OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And report back her directly, so that I can give you more tips on how to cull the good nurses/doctors from the shitty ones, and how to wreak vengeance upon ALLLL their unworthy heads! You can be patient and drive them batshit one little adjustment/bitch at a time (gaslight the bitches), or you can do what I do and go at ‘em FULL-BORE, WITH BOTH FUCKING FEET AND A LIT CIGARETTE!!!
And you’d damned well better be reporting back here soon. DON’T MAKE ME COME UP THERE.
Why in the FUCK have you been anywhere even remotely APPROACHING “SOBER”?!?!?!??!?!?!?!
Jeeezus fucking christ on a hard-tack cracker with as side of KEROSENE, MAN!!!!!!!!!!
You can’t fucking LIVE LIKE THAT!!!
Well, if you’re gonna be in the fucking hospital again, you might as well make it WORTH IT — RING THAT FUCKING NURSE’S BELL UNTIL THOSE BITCHES BRING IN THE MORPHINE BY THE BUCKETS JUST TO SHUT YOU THE FUCK UP, and you can sleep through whatever in the hell comes neck, by damn!!!
Fuck, Porter Waggoner was EMBALMED about 15 years ago, and he’s on fucking LETTERMAN tonight!!! You have GOT to get off of this loop-tape from Satan’s 8-track rec room, dammit! Nobody should have to live like this, dude, it’s just fucking INHUMAN.
You’re paying for this joyride, GET THE BEST YOU FUCKING CAN OUT OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And report back her directly, so that I can give you more tips on how to cull the good nurses/doctors from the shitty ones, and how to wreak vengeance upon ALLLL their unworthy heads! You can be patient and drive them batshit one little adjustment/bitch at a time (gaslight the bitches), or you can do what I do and go at ‘em FULL-BORE, WITH BOTH FUCKING FEET AND A LIT CIGARETTE!!!
And you’d damned well better be reporting back here soon. DON’T MAKE ME COME UP THERE.
I’ve found in the past that the nurses that are the best/most likely to dish out teh opiates are the ICU nurses. Unfortunately, In ICU, they tend to attach the most lines/sensors/blood pressure cuffs/IVs/heart monitors/etc. to the point that you can’t get out of bed to access teh toilet (or whatevah). Of course, if you’re on enough opiates, you don’t goddamned care!
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