Two Separate Looks At…

Our internet connection was down for about a day and a half, so I’m a little behind in my wingnuts, but popping into Townhall I immediately noticed they’re still blaming the Enlightenment for Playboy’s Party Jokes.

Ashley Herzog, author of the self-published, self-hatehelp bookFeminism vs. Women, is in a fierce, Valerie Solanas-grade rage over leftist chauvinism:

This year has been Misogyny Mania for liberals who claim to be “pro-woman.”

Perhaps I shouldn’t have picked the Washington State Gynophobes for my NCAA bracket.

First there was the character assassination of Miss California Carrie Prejean, in which liberals thought a deft response to her anti-gay marriage comments was to call her a slut.  By saying that marriage should be between a man and a woman, Prejean did nothing more than restate the official position of Barack Obama, Joe Biden, John Kerry, Bill Clinton

Only the last of whom is a proven slut.

That’s how liberal woman-haters think. Male politicians are allowed to have opinions; young beauty pageant contestants aren’t.

Ever since the jackbooted liberals shut down the beauty queen think tanks, our national debate has become so shallow.

Meanwhile, Bishop Harry Jackson, chairman of the High Impact Leadership Coalition and senior pastor of Hope Christian Church in Beltsville, MD, was feeling sad that he had no shoes, until he met a vest that had no sleeves.

While ["pro-family"] groups meditate on the political ramifications of recent marriage regulations and decisions, new alliances are being formed and millions of nameless and faceless Americans will soon join the struggle to affirm biblical marriage.

Um, “nameless and faceless Americans,” Bishop?  So you’re recruiting an army of mindless zombies, hideously disfigured by decay, to beat back the tide of marriage-minded homosexuals?

Dude, that’s awesome!

The New Hampshire legislature muddied the waters in the marriage debate by attempting to throw the religious community a bone, declaring that conservative ministers would not be forced to perform same-sex marriages.

Despite the New Hampshire governor’s attempt to paint this as a compromise position, the religious services exemption is tantamount to giving pro “biblical” marriage proponents the sleeves out of one’s vest. In most cases openly gay people will not seek out conservative ministers to perform their weddings.

Hey, wasn’t that one of the religious right’s primary arguments against gay marriage — that clergymen would be forced to officiate at homosexual weddings, or go to jail?  And didn’t you just poke a big hole in it and let all the air out?  Personally, I think that’s great, but listen — if you see Maggie Gallagher?  Hide.

Knowledgeable pro-traditional marriage advocates understand that the real danger lies with the unintended consequences of gay marriage on the next generation…In California five-year olds are asked to become gay “Allies” and they can join such a club, which meets during breaks in their elementary classrooms.

Well, you can’t really blame that on gay marriage, since, thanks to you folks, we don’t have it in California.

What will the landscape of America look like if same-sex marriage is legalized across our nation?

Tidier?  Better color-coordinated?

According to the writings of Dr. Stanley Kurtz, nations who have gone this way see a dramatic increase in out of wedlock births, long-term singleness, and other symptoms of the devaluation of the institution.

So no change, then.  Damn.  I was hoping we could at least do something about these drapes…

Consider these statistics. Over half of Americans studied in a survey in 2001 by Harvard University’s Kennedy School of Government believe that the high number of single-parent families is a major cause of poverty.

Consider these statistics:   “Most Americans believe that angels and demons are active in the world, and nearly 80 percent think miracles occur”

Repeatedly, scholarly studies focused on adolescence show that early onset of puberty in girls is a major problem.

And clearly, gay marriage is the culprit.  Back when homosexuality was the Love That Dare Not Speak Its Name, girls were content to wait until 13 or 14 years of age before they rushed into menses; and they frequently put off lesbian experimentation until summer camp in high school, or even until they pledged a sorority, but these menstruating, boob-popping brats have apparently never heard of “delayed gratification.”

An eight year study of girls and their families showed that a father’s presence in the home, with appropriate involvement in his children’s lives, contributed to later pubertal timing of the daughters in the seventh grade.

In the old days, a father was a young girl’s ideal, a source of love, support, and guidance.  Now he’s mostly there as a hormone inhibitor, which — according to my brief survey of the medical literature — helps to prevent the apple of his eye from acquiring pubes or prostate cancer.

In conclusion, let me cite the fact that even former Vice President Al Gore sees the need for strong fathers to remain in the nuclear family.

Even that sexual anarchist Al Gore, with his retinue of common-law wives and litter of semi-feral bastards recognizes a role for fathers?  Can another Great Awakening be far behind?

Let’s set our sights high. Let’s not fall victim to the inevitability argument of our opposition.

Especially when we wake up in some strange, damp, and aromatic bed the morning after the Greenwich Village Halloween Parade, still a little drunk, and naked except for a Bedazzled tank top and a pair of assless chaps made from Mylar.

Posted by scott on June 8th, 2009

WND Charges Obama With Impersonating Don Ho

Since last fall, a multitude of wingnuts have filed writs of habeas data demanding Barack Obama surrender his birth certificate.  Undaunted by repeated failures in state and federal court, and unsatisfied by theCertification of Live Birth issued by the Hawaiian Department of Health and posted online by the Obama campaign, so-called Birthers continued their quest for the real document, the Magna Carta of county records, known to their fellow crusaders as a “long form” or “vault copy” birth certificate.  But with the Argus-eyed gaze of the media wandering away to fresher Republican-crafted chimeras — Look!  It’s the soul of Archie Bunker swaddled in the dusky skin of a Latina, like a racist pastele wrapped in banana leaves! — even the denizens of Townhall (motto: “Yes, we say a lot of crazy shit, but it’s not because we’re crazy; it’s just because we’re assholes.”*) have largely begun to lose interest.  But not World Net Daily.  Even as weaker wingnuts fall, Joseph Farah forges on like the youth who bore, ‘mid snow and ice/A banner with the strange device–Excelsior!

And now, after countless disappointments, his perseverance has at last been rewarded with incontrovertible proof that Obama is an unnatural born, xeno-usurper.

WASHINGTON – The Hawaiian certification of live birth Barack Obama posted on his campaign website and distributed to select news organizations as proof he was a “natural born citizen” would not be accepted as a “birth certificate” even for some Hawaiian state government eligibility issues, WND has learned.

Wow, that does sound bad.  You mean, despite what we’ve been told about the Certification of Live Birth, even the state of Hawaii doesn’t consider it sufficient identification for getting a drivers license, or renting porn movies?

The investigation follows a Honolulu Star Bulletin column Saturday, which quotes a state Department of Health spokeswoman as saying the state’s current certification of live birth is recognized “as an official birth certificate meeting all federal and other requirements.”

Longtime readers are well aware of the profound respect World O’ Crap holds for Joseph Farah and the luxurious pelt he cultivates between his lip and nose.  So you can imagine how deeply it pains us to suggest that Mr. Farah’s continuing demands for the “long form” birth certificate are perhaps a trifle disingenuous:

Okubo said the Health Department “does not have a short-form or long-form certificate.”

Okubo also emphasized the certification form “contains all the information needed by all federal government agencies for transactions requiring a birth certificate.”

Except — and here’s where Obama, like all super-villains, slips up — if you’re not content being the Leader of the Free World, and would also like to lease state land set aside for native Hawaiians in order to practice animal husbandry!

The website of the Department of Hawaiian Home Lands, however, states clearly the certification of live birth touted by the Obama campaign, White House press secretary Robert Gibbs and a host of other Obama defenders is not acceptable as a form of identification to qualify under this program.

Well, that settles it.  Barack Obama is not constitutionally eligible to serve as President because the state of Hawaii doesn’t consider him an autochthon for the purposes of homesteading:

Eligibility Requirements

To be eligible to apply for a Hawaiian home lands homestead lease, you must meet two requirements:

• You must be at least 18 years of age; and
• You must be a native Hawaiian, defined as “any descendant of not less than one-half part of the blood of the races inhabiting the Hawaiian Islands previous to 1778.” This means, you must have a blood quantum of at least 50 percent Hawaiian. This requirement remains unchanged since the HHCA’s passage in 1921.

The general rule of thumb in determining 50 percent blood quantum is to submit enough documentation tracing your genealogy to your full Hawaiian ancestor(s). Some applicants need only go back one or two generations – that is, to their grandparents.

Given that Obama never claimed to be a native Hawaiian, just native to Hawaii, and hasn’t thus far demonstrated any obvious interest in an agricultural or pastoral career, this may not prove to be quite the monkeywrench WND anticipates.  But perhaps a more important issue is why World Net Daily, after linking to a story explaining there is no such thing as a “long form birth certificate,” continues to insist that Obama release one.

Joseph Farah, WND editor and chief executive officer, launched a national billboard campaign last month in an effort to keep the issue before the American people. The billboards, being leased around the country, ask the simple question, “Where’s the birth certificate?” Farah is asking the public to support his campaign with donations. So far, more than $75,000 has been collected.

Oh…

[Said Farah] “The only obstacle to this campaign is raising the money necessary to make it truly a national phenomenon.”

Right.  Got it.

Your donation – from as little as $5 to as much as $1,000 – can be made online at the WND SuperStore. (Donations are not tax-deductible. Donations of amounts greater than $1,000 can be arranged by calling…

Okay!  Thank you!  We get the point…!

If you’d like to give as little as $5, or as much as $1000 to help this man rent more billboards in Louisiana and Pennsylvania in order to shame Hawaii into giving him a document that doesn’t exist, just remember:

This stuff doesn’t come cheap.

*h/t D.Sidhe

Posted by scott on June 7th, 2009

Queer Eye For The Stupid Guy

Updated below 
Over at American Thinker (“Where Irony Comes To Choke On Its Own Vomit”), Ralph Alter has discovered that President Obama is the queerest girly-man who ever flounced through the Vermeil room:

Our First Female President?

And who is Ralph Alter, I hear you ask?  Why, he’s only the man who discovered that Colin Powell is a big super-queeny clutch purse full of queer-bait, that’s who!

No Closet Big Enough For Colin Powell-Democrat

Describing Colin Powell as a Republican is akin to describing Perez Hiltonhttp://www.icelebz.com/celebs/perez_hilton/photo8.htmlas straight.

Some people will inevitably say, “Gee, that Mr. Alter sure seems to see a teh ghey wherever he looks.”  But describing Ralph Alter as a closet homosexual is akin to describing him as a man who knows how to properly construct HTML links.  Others may say, how can you imply that a man is secretly gay when he has a famously beautiful wife, two adoring children, and isn’t even a Republican?  Nevertheless, Ralph is an expert, so we owe it to ourselves to hear him out.

In the same sense that Toni Morrison claimed Bill Clinton was our first black president, Barack Obama could be thought of as another groundbreaker: our first female president. He displays every trope of femininity more than any female “who could ever be elected in our children’s lifetime” (to borrow Morrison’s phrase about Clinton).

I assume that he displays these feminine figures of speech using the dance language of Hula.

Obama is filled with sensitivity

Ralph, on the other hand, is filled with a creamy nougat.

(one might even say, empathy) he would rather talk than fight

As opposed to Bush, who would rather fight and lose a war, than talk and lose an argument.

…is highly (yet selectively) compassionate and to top it all off, he has a finely tuned sense of fashion.  B.O. attempts to collaborate with Europeans, South Americans, Muslims and nearly everyone except the citizens of red state America.

Well, to be fair, Europeans, South Americans, and Muslims aren’t always questioning his manhood or calling him a foreign-born Commie.  Plus, they’re less likely to smell like Right Guard and Lipton Soup Mix.

Oh, and his position on abortion and women’s rights is nearly identical to that of the Choicers at NARAL and NOW.

Just because the Pro-Life side is filled with men desperately trying to gain control of their opponents’ wombs doesn’t necessarily mean all of their opponents have one.

Ms. Magazine felt so simpatico with B.O. that he was featured on their special Inaugural issue cover

Wait, Ms. put a picture of the President on the cover of their Inauguralissue?  Who’s editing that piece of crap?

In addition, Obama has surrounded himself with women in most important security and foreign policy positions in his administration.  While some might choose to describe BO as our first metrosexual President, the clincher is that, consistent with all outward appearances, the Obama administration fights like a girl.

Whoa, you got your ass kicked by a girl?  That is weak, dude.  Look — let’s just tell everyone it was Wonder Woman who jumped you, or Xena, or even some random, pissed-off Amazon, ‘kay?

The Axis of Evil has certainly picked up on this.  Not a week goes by without Kim Jong-Il or Iran’s Ahmadinejad or  some other pipsqueak tin-pot wannabe figuratively bitch-slapping  the POTUS.  Every week another news story features another fascist thug playing the role of Moe from the Three Stooges to Obama’s Shemp.

As you see, Ralph carefully links to explanations of “bitch-slap,” “Moe,” and “Shemp,” so I guess he thinks we’re all girls, too.

Last week Little Kim East and the Mighty Mahmoud were like tag-team midget wrestlers ganging up on the sputtering Obie One.

As a side note, I’ve known a total of three people who felt the need to call everything and everyone by cute little nicknames — my mother, my grandma, and a girl I briefly dated in college who still kept stuffed animals on her bed.  Anyway Ralph, you were saying…?

Down South, Raul and Fidel Castro played their own brand of good cop/bad cop on our Dear Sensitive Leader, while their fellow Latin-American banana-republicans took turns exhorting President BO to join the Great Marxist Books Club and channeling Dennis Miller’s rants of yore with mucho hammering of America.

With the arsenal of the world’s sole remaining superpower  available to him, Obama sounds more like the U.N. Secretary General scrambling for the best euphemism to downplay each situation than a serious statesman with the greatest military and economic might on the planet to back him up.

The guy’s been in office over four months and he hasn’t started evenone war yet!  And that guy Chavez gave him a book!  Hel-LO?  What the hell does this wimp need for a casus belli?!

No matter what other qualities our belligerent enemies might have, they are definitely men of action.  And regardless of our neophyte President’s desire to chat and make friends, the leaders of North Korea, Syria, Iran and Cuba remain our enemies.  No matter how many “stern warnings” and U.N. resolutions you can cook up with the gals down at the U.N. coffee klatch, these busy thugs will keep upping the ante precisely until action is taken against them.

If your erection lasts longer than four years, see your doctor.

Unfortunately, any meaningful action by this administration is highly unlikely, as Obama understands that many Democratic and independent voters, especially women, were eager to move from hard-power locker-room tactics to a soft-power sewing circle approach.

Real men stitch their trouser hems with automatic weapons.  While they’re wearing them.

Less towel-snapping and more towel color coordinating, less steroids and more sensitivity.

Remember, if your presidency isn’t a world-historical catastrophe, it means you’re a homo.

In comments, Li’l Innocent says, “Call me genderist, but I always want to see what guys who carry on this way look like. Would I (or anyone) WANT to towel-snap his bottom? Granted, I am not myself either Beyonce or Marilyn Monroe, to choose two ends of a possible icon-spectrum, but I don’t see why snooty objectifying of the other sex should be the exclusive province of grumpy unappealing males.”

 Ralph Alter
In Anime they call this “Fanservice,” except you can’t see his panties.

Posted by scott on Friday, June 5th, 2009 at 7:09 pm.

Plus, they’re less likely to smell like Right Guard and Lipton Soup Mix.
Okay, that’s me for the night. I’ll be back to read the rest tomorrow when I may possibly have stopped laughing my ass off.

Left by D. Sidhe on June 5th, 2009

American Thinker is just about the worst. Maybe it’s the literally poopy-brown color scheme, or Uncle Sam sitting on I don’t want to know what, or the pretension that any one there has had an original thought in the last forty yrs., but Yuck!

Left by M. Bouffant on June 6th, 2009

Real men don’t think the worst insult in the world is “girl”.
Grow the fuck up, you half-wit loozah.

Left by Bill S on June 6th, 2009

Why can’t guys like Alter vicariously compensate for their inadequacies through sports like the rest of us men?

Left by Nom de Plume on June 6th, 2009

The article was certain to end soon after these lines:
hard-power locker-room tactics to a soft-power sewing circle approach. Less towel-snapping and more towel color coordinating, less steroids and more sensitivity.
As Ralph’s erection was going to let him do much more “thinking” until his fantasy of being a locker room bottom was played out to conclusion.

Left by TM on June 6th, 2009

Damn it. I meant “wasn’t”.

Left by TM on June 6th, 2009

Call me genderist, but I always want to see what guys who carry on this way look like. Would I (or anyone) WANT to towel-snap his bottom? Granted, I am not myself either Beyonce or Marilyn Monroe, to choose two ends of a possible icon-spectrum, but I don’t see why snooty objectifying of the other sex should be the exclusive province of grumpy unappealing males.
Also, gotta agree with D. Sidhe on the Right Guard and Lipton’s Soup Mix line… great! and it was damned nice of you not to mention the lingering scent of beer.

Left by Li'l Innocent on June 6th, 2009

Golly, I’ve made it to the Big Time! thanks, Scott – - Mr. Alter seems secure in his plumpish middle-aged manhood, I must say. In fact I’m surprised. I thought he’d be crabbier-looking. But maybe he was cheerful because the photographer was a buff young stud with a 3-day stubble.
I don’t think I’d want to see his panties, though.

Left by Li'l Innocent on June 6th, 2009

I tend to think of closeted Republicans in one of two ways: the repressed denying-their-sexuality-even-to-themselves type, and the hiding-it-from-the-world-but-still-having-a-good-time-in-private type.
By the smile, I’m going to guess that Ralph belongs in the latter camp, which would, in my view, make him an even bigger jerk.

Left by TM on June 6th, 2009

Okay, so in the absence of a bio at Uncle Sam Takes a Dump on a Stump I was gonna offer odds that Ralph’s personal war stories involve fighting his draft board for a student deferment. Then I caught the link to his personal website:
“Born in Detroit, Ralph is a 1973 graduate of Wayne State University with a double major in English Literature and Psychology.”
Which we may take a definitive, since we can be absolutely certain that he’d still be wavin’ his dirty socks from a two-week washout in boot camp as an OD Badge of Courage otherwise. It’s followed by:
“An antique dealer and bookseller for over 30 years…”
Which, to be fair, is pretty much like going to war, insofar as the odds of crawling through your buddy’s entrails is about the same.

Left by Doghouse Riley on June 6th, 2009

Ralph, on the other hand, is filled with a creamy nougat.
THAT’S NOT NOUGAT!
P.S. Can we discreetly dispose of those bot-links from The Daily Farrt?

Left by Mentis Fugit on June 6th, 2009

I stand in awe of your takedown of Ralphie-poo.
I started out thinking of counter arguments and clever rejoinders to that article, but by the third paragraph, all my rhetoric had been reduced to a recurring chorus of “Fuck off, asshole.”

Left by Dorothy on June 6th, 2009

Dorothy, that’s their secret “debating” technique: to be so infuriatingly obnoxious, obtuse, and something-else-beginning-with-ob that their opponents are left without any obvious starting point for a coherent rebuttal and are reduced to gibbering impotence.
Which is why Scott is a geenyus. (That, and turns of phrase like, “Where Irony Comes To Choke On Its Own Vomit”.)

Left by Mentis Fugit on June 7th, 2009

Sweater vest? Antiques dealer? The projection is strong with this one.

Left by gainsayer on June 7th, 2009

Uncle Sam Takes a Dump on a Stump
Thank you again, Mr. Riley.
I’m still chuckling.

Left by M. Bouffant on June 7th, 2009

Not that “OD Badge of Courage” is anything to scoff at.

Left by M. Bouffant on June 7th, 2009

“Plus, they’re less likely to smell like Right Guard and Lipton Soup Mix.” My girlfriend (a teacher) was saying that when a boy in her class hits puberty, he’ll smell like he had a flea bath in “Axe” deodorant !
Shouldn’t Ralph Alter have ended his column “Heterosexually yours” like Jesus’s General ??

Left by H-Bob on June 8th, 2009

he has a finely tuned sense of fashion.
Look, just because the guy’s ties don’t strobe when he holds a press conference AND gets his wardrobe consultations by some of the finest American stylists does NOT make HIS sense of style “finely tuned”!
Scott? Who is Alter married to that is so “famously beautiful”? That bowl-haired clown that looks like Mrs Shemp?

Left by actor212 on June 9th, 2009

Scott? Who is Alter married to that is so “famously beautiful”?
Sorry, Actor, this was a poorly written sentence:
Others may say, how can you imply that a man is secretly gay when he has a famously beautiful wife, two adoring children, and isn’t even a Republican?
I meant to say, how can you persuasively imply that Obama is gay, when he has a, etc. Serves me write for posting late at night.

Left by scott on June 9th, 2009