The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

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Saturday, September 20, 2014

WND Charges Obama With Impersonating Don Ho

Since last fall, a multitude of wingnuts have filed writs of habeas data demanding Barack Obama surrender his birth certificate.  Undaunted by repeated failures in state and federal court, and unsatisfied by theCertification of Live Birth issued by the Hawaiian Department of Health and posted online by the Obama campaign, so-called Birthers continued their quest for the real document, the Magna Carta of county records, known to their fellow crusaders as a “long form” or “vault copy” birth certificate.  But with the Argus-eyed gaze of the media wandering away to fresher Republican-crafted chimeras — Look!  It’s the soul of Archie Bunker swaddled in the dusky skin of a Latina, like a racist pastele wrapped in banana leaves! — even the denizens of Townhall (motto: “Yes, we say a lot of crazy shit, but it’s not because we’re crazy; it’s just because we’re assholes.”*) have largely begun to lose interest.  But not World Net Daily.  Even as weaker wingnuts fall, Joseph Farah forges on like the youth who bore, ‘mid snow and ice/A banner with the strange device–Excelsior!
And now, after countless disappointments, his perseverance has at last been rewarded with incontrovertible proof that Obama is an unnatural born, xeno-usurper.
WASHINGTON – The Hawaiian certification of live birth Barack Obama posted on his campaign website and distributed to select news organizations as proof he was a “natural born citizen” would not be accepted as a “birth certificate” even for some Hawaiian state government eligibility issues, WND has learned.
Wow, that does sound bad.  You mean, despite what we’ve been told about the Certification of Live Birth, even the state of Hawaii doesn’t consider it sufficient identification for getting a drivers license, or renting porn movies?
The investigation follows a Honolulu Star Bulletin column Saturday, which quotes a state Department of Health spokeswoman as saying the state’s current certification of live birth is recognized “as an official birth certificate meeting all federal and other requirements.”
Longtime readers are well aware of the profound respect World O’ Crap holds for Joseph Farah and the luxurious pelt he cultivates between his lip and nose.  So you can imagine how deeply it pains us to suggest that Mr. Farah’s continuing demands for the “long form” birth certificate are perhaps a trifle disingenuous:
Okubo said the Health Department “does not have a short-form or long-form certificate.”
Okubo also emphasized the certification form “contains all the information needed by all federal government agencies for transactions requiring a birth certificate.”
Except — and here’s where Obama, like all super-villains, slips up — if you’re not content being the Leader of the Free World, and would also like to lease state land set aside for native Hawaiians in order to practice animal husbandry!
The website of the Department of Hawaiian Home Lands, however, states clearly the certification of live birth touted by the Obama campaign, White House press secretary Robert Gibbs and a host of other Obama defenders is not acceptable as a form of identification to qualify under this program.
Well, that settles it.  Barack Obama is not constitutionally eligible to serve as President because the state of Hawaii doesn’t consider him an autochthon for the purposes of homesteading:
Eligibility Requirements
To be eligible to apply for a Hawaiian home lands homestead lease, you must meet two requirements:
  • You must be at least 18 years of age; and
  • You must be a native Hawaiian, defined as “any descendant of not less than one-half part of the blood of the races inhabiting the Hawaiian Islands previous to 1778.” This means, you must have a blood quantum of at least 50 percent Hawaiian. This requirement remains unchanged since the HHCA’s passage in 1921.
The general rule of thumb in determining 50 percent blood quantum is to submit enough documentation tracing your genealogy to your full Hawaiian ancestor(s). Some applicants need only go back one or two generations – that is, to their grandparents.
Given that Obama never claimed to be a native Hawaiian, just native to Hawaii, and hasn’t thus far demonstrated any obvious interest in an agricultural or pastoral career, this may not prove to be quite the monkeywrench WND anticipates.  But perhaps a more important issue is why World Net Daily, after linking to a story explaining there is no such thing as a “long form birth certificate,” continues to insist that Obama release one.
Joseph Farah, WND editor and chief executive officer, launched a national billboard campaign last month in an effort to keep the issue before the American people. The billboards, being leased around the country, ask the simple question, “Where’s the birth certificate?” Farah is asking the public to support his campaign with donations. So far, more than $75,000 has been collected.
[Said Farah] “The only obstacle to this campaign is raising the money necessary to make it truly a national phenomenon.”
Right.  Got it.
Your donation – from as little as $5 to as much as $1,000 – can be made online at the WND SuperStore. (Donations are not tax-deductible. Donations of amounts greater than $1,000 can be arranged by calling…
Okay!  Thank you!  We get the point…!
If you’d like to give as little as $5, or as much as $1000 to help this man rent more billboards in Louisiana and Pennsylvania in order to shame Hawaii into giving him a document that doesn’t exist, just remember:
This stuff doesn’t come cheap.
*h/t D.Sidhe
Posted by scott on June 7th, 2009

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