The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

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Monday, September 15, 2014

Daddy’s Home, And He’s Brought Mucous For Everybody!

Well, I’m back, after a long and action-packed flight, during which I was seated next to an elderly woman with burn bandages on both hands, a penchant for broad gestures, and a powerful thirst for neutral spirits.  Generally speaking, she was an unobtrusive neighbor, and I was happy to tear open her package of mixed nuts, or cut up her briscuit, content to accumulate positive karma and bask in the roseate warmth of charity and good fellowship; until she started spilling drinks on me.  One on my thigh, one on our feet, and a third brimming glass of vodka and club soda all over my laptop case.  Now, since loudly berating a septegenarian burn victim for her lack of dexterity seemed likely to accomplish nothing more than rousing the nearest Air Marshal from his seat, my only option was to join her and start drinking myself.  And it’s perhaps due to the liberal and continuing application of this venerable nostrum that I failed to notice until shortly before dawn that I came home with a suffocating head cold.  So what I’m saying is, I’m obviously too chickenshit to violate TSA regulations by screaming at burnt old people for getting my socks wet and my MacBook drunk.  Also, I’m kind of feverish and producing a surfeit of snot, so it may be a few days before I’m completely back up to speed.
In the meantime, please enjoy my favorite Socratic Dialogue aboutgiant labias.

Posted by scott on Wednesday, March 11th, 2009 at 10:18 am

18 Responses to “Daddy’s Home, And He’s Brought Mucous For Everybody!”

And it’s perhaps due to the liberal and continuing application of this venerable nostrum
Scott, you little Dickens!
Scott, out of all the people in the world, I can’t believe you got seated next to my mom.
My deepest sympathies…
Far, far be it from me to in any way abuse a man at the mercy of his own snot, Scott (hawhaw) - - and I know you were just echoing the Blogess, but that would be giant labia, due to the fact that labia is the plural of labium, and everyone gets them in pairs.
Being 5 yrs away from septuagenarianism, I’ve had all my pairs longer than the Blogess has had hers, I bet, so you can take my word for it. Get well soon.
Ah, I see that should be Bloggess (with a g for each labium).
Pride goeth before a typo. Sic semper nitpicker.
Wait, so are you saying that the septegenarian burn victim caused your cold, because her lack of dexterity resulted in you getting chilled and, being chilled and presumably immuno-compromised, you got a cold? Or, more plausibly, are you saying that because you couldn’t beat her, you had to join her, and the ensuing hilarity masked your symptoms so that you didn’t know you had a cold until later?
Because if it’s “A”, you are wrong, because you don’t catch cold from being chilled, you catch it from Germans. Was this lady German?
And if it’s B, then obviously your cold was pre-ordained and you should write the lady a thank-you note for sparing you awareness of the cold’s onset (via inebriation).
As for labia, Sarah McLachlan wrote a beautiful song on the subject, IIRC.
Labia I do believe I failed you
Labia I know I let you down
Don’t you know I tried so hard
To love you in my way
It’s easy let it go…

My sympathies. Try the Day-Quil, but expect a week of rebound headaches from it once your cold is gone.
And just for the record, Annie Jacobsen would have gone totally “This terrorist is trying to start a fire to bring this plane down!” on the woman. I’m certain she’s gazing sadly in disappointment at you from wherever it is her career’s buried.
From now on, when I call out sick for a mental health day, I will tell my boss I’m having Mercurial Eruptions.
Is the boss becoming suspicious about the Female Complaints excuse?
That “Giant Labias” piece was painfully funny. Thanks Scott!
Herr Doktor - yeah, I’m female and I complain all the time.
Oh, and just to be all English-majory and pedantic, “mucous” is the adjective and “mucus” is the noun. As in “Mucous membranes produce mucus.”
Duly noted. So is it Mucus Tick or Mucous Tick? He was made of mucus, and therefore mucousy.
Largely OT, a question. Are doctors getting stupider, or is it just that we now have access to information with which to double check them? I finally saw one today for an extremely persistent nail fungus, which the internet had informed me was very unlikely to respond to any sort of topical treatment while suggesting a wide range of topical treatments which almost certainly won’t work. The doctor says, well, you should put Vicks Vapor Rub on it. It won’t work, it’s an old wives’ tale, there’s no reason on earth it *would* work, but it’s the best I can do for now.
Normally, you know, I go see a doctor when the shit that has no reason to work has already not worked. Look, I’m pagan, and I dislike doctors enough that I’m happy to rub potatoes on pretty much everything and bury them under a full moon as a stalling tactic rather than make an appointment. But I expect my doctor, when I finally *do* go see one, to laugh at me for that rather than recommending I try it a little closer to gibbous.
You’re quite welcome, John. Anytime we can laugh at our labia (and I’m using the Royal possessive, let me hasten to say) is one more day we don’t have to spend snickering at our scrota.
Anyway, once I discovered the high quality internet performance art that is The Bloggess, I rushed to add her to the blogroll. I’ve also found her worth following on Twitter.
The mucous/mucus tick question is above my pay grade.
Did you try tea tree oil for the fungus? It may not work, either, but it has a strong, somewhat minty fragrance so you’ll think something is happening.
Mucus Tick? I have all their albums.
But whatever happened to little awful Annie anyway? Last I saw, she was sucking air time on CNN with one breathless warning after another…
yeah, I’m female and I complain all the time.
That set me wondering why quack doctors in the Golden Age of Snake-oil never bothered talking about “male complaints”. Perhaps they realised that the second word was redundant.
D. Sidhe: Sweetheart, I dunno if you get his column where you live, but there’s this reasonably likable old coot, a “Dr. Gott,”(yes, he’s an actual M.D.) who HIGHLY recommends the Vicks’ Vap-O-Rub for fungal infections. He’s prescribed antifungal meds, antibiotics, everything he could find, even those meds that are now made exclusively for nail fungus, but nothing, in his experience, has worked as well as the Vicks’. So of course, take that with a whole lick of salt, but give it a shot. Dr. Gott isn’t often that far off, and he’s a big booster of home remedies and holistic methods.
Burying potatoes has never done anything for me, but I always cut my hair on the waxing moon, ’cause I want it to keep growing. That’s not an old wives’ tale, that’s actually scientifically proven because of the moon’s gravitational pull on the earth is highest when it is closest & fullest. Ask Dr. G. Seab @ U.N.O.’s physics/astronomy dept. if you don’t believe me, he taught us all about earth tides.
And Herr Doktor, said quacks always assumed that men were BORN PERFECT, whereas us emotional, sinful (going all the way back to Eve, of course), light-headed wicked feminine wraiths were deemed automatically FLAWED. Freud ring a bell?
My departed (and greatly missed) grandmother suffered from depression DURING The First Great Depression, and so they decided that it was her “girl parts” that were “causing” her “mental defect.” Castrated her @ 27, full hysterectomy, scooped out everything and just left the box that it came in.
Matter of fact, made everything worse, and made life a helluva lot harder for her. You don’t even wanna know the shit that they did to her in the 1950s. She also adopted The Bad Seed, so that didn’t help, either. Ungrateful psycho-bitch now known as The Fallen Uterus over @ my blog, who was more than happy to sentence her mother to death via medical malpractice and deprivation of REAL medical assistance.
So, see, those uber-Freudian little cocksuckers who called themselves “doctors” (including the ones who recommended that women douche with LYSOL) back in the day weren’t just sexist and condescending, they were downright fucking DANGEROUS,and how DARE any mere WOMAN ever QUESTION their innate “wisdom” and “knowledge,” especially if they were the only rural-hick doctor for 50 miles around.
Far as men went, unless they were faintly-colored and given to fainting, the only male “health complaints” were “social diseases” and a need for “more hale heartiness,” i.e., pseudo-viagra. And there were TONS of snake-oil (and grain-alcohol)-riddled products for those “complaints,” as I’m sure you well know. Victorians certainly had some perverse obsessions with “health” and staying “sanitary.”
Gee, sorry to be such a buzzkill/thread-killer.

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